Murdering English

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By Elaine Viets

          What the heck?

Lately, reading has been a painful experience. Especially online. One story after another has some outrage against the language. I wanted to rant like a pedant and point out each mistake, but I showed some self-restraint. After all, pedantry is still outlawed in most southern states.

Instead, I put these errors into a short story. There are at last 30 mistakes in the story. See if you can spot them all.

A Horrifying Tail of Murder and Mutilation

The Corliss boys, Billy and Justin, created a rein of terror in the town of Blister Bend. The thugs would exorcise their ferocious Dobermans in the town square. The snarling dogs were all teeth and mussel. The very site made mothers grab they’re children to protect there tots.

Sherriff  Sam Wich said, “The Corlis’s are the most callus outlaws in the county. No regard for anyone’s feelings.”

Deputy D. Awg said, “Billy tried to bribe me when he didn’t break at the red light on Main. Pulled out a hundred-dollar bill and waived it in my face. I said I wasn’t for sail.”

“Billy keeps a loaded weapon on his mantle,” Sheriff  Sam said.  “What I wouldn’t give to test that. I bet its connected to at least three grizzly murders.”

“Ever thought about going to the staties?” the deputy asked.

The sherrif glared at him. “What good would that do? I should complain to the state troupers? About Billy Corlis? Whose been paying off the Colonial for years? Are you trying to get me killed?”

“Uh, no, sir. I forgot.” The deputy gave him a rueful smile. “I’m sure one of the Corlises will slip up and we’ll catch them.”

Sheriff Sam snorted. But Deputy D. Awg showed real forsight. Less than a week later, he suprised Billy and Justin burying a body at a construction sight on the edge of town. The deputy got the drop on the killers, and handcuffed them both.

Turned out the decreased was the town butcher.

Sherriff Sam arrived on the seen and staired sadly at the dead meet man. “Its a gristly end  for a good man,” he said.

Then he growled at the cuffed killers. “But those two . . . Now their an arresting site.”

“Why, Sheriff,” the deputy said. “I had no idea you were homophonic.”

A Horrifying Tail of Murder and Mutilation: The Reveal

The Corliss boys, Billy and Justin, created a rein of terror in the town of Blister Bend. The thugs would exorcise their ferocious Dobermans in the town square. The snarling dogs were all teeth and mussel. The very site made mothers grab they’re children to protect there tots.

Sherriff  Sam Wich said, “The Corlis’s are the most callus outlaws in the county. No regard for anyone’s feelings.”

Deputy D. Awg said, “Billy tried to bribe me when he didn’t break at the red light on Main. Pulled out a hundred-dollar bill and waived it in my face. I said I wasn’t for sail.”

“Billy keeps a loaded weapon on his mantle,” Sheriff  Sam said.  “What I wouldn’t give to test that. I bet its connected to at least three grizzly murders.”

“Ever thought about going to the staties?” the deputy asked.

The sherrif glared at him. “What good would that do? I should complain to the state troupers? About Billy Corliss? Whose been paying off the Colonial for years? Are you trying to get me killed?”

“Uh, no, sir.” The deputy gave him a rueful smile. “I’m sure one of the Corlises will slip and we’ll catch them.”

Sheriff Sam snorted. But Deputy D. Awg showed real forsight. Less than a week later, he suprised Billy and Justin burying a body at a construction sight on the edge of town. The deputy got the drop on the killers, and handcuffed them both.

Turned out the decreased was the town butcher.

Sherriff Sam arrived on the seen and staired sadly at the dead meet man. “Its a gristly end for a good man,” he said.

Then he growled at the cuffed killers. “But those two . . . Now their an arresting site.”

“Jeez, Sheriff,” the deputy said. “I had no idea you were homophonic.”

***

As you probably guessed, most of these mistakes are homophones, words that sound alike but are spelled differently. These words have tripped up many unwary writers:

tail/tale

exorcise/exercise

rein/reign/rain

mussel/muscle

callous/callus

break/brake

sight/site

seen/scene

waive/wave

sale/sail

mantle/mantel

troopers/troupers

grizzly/gristly, and grisly

stair/stare

meet/meat

whose/who’s

Misusing it’s for its drives me crazy, (and that’s a short drive). My teachers pounded this helpful hint into my head: “It’s” is a contraction of “it is.” Replace “its” with “it is” and if the sentence makes sense: “It is a gristly end . . .” you’re using it correctly.

Ditto for whose/who’s. Whose is a possessive adjective, as in “Whose book is that?” It also identifies someone or something: “I haven’t seen my ex-boyfriend, whose name I forget, in years.”

Who’s is a contraction of “who has” or “who is,” as in “Who’s a good boy?”

If you’re not sure, replace “who’s” with “who is” and see if it works.

As for the grisly business of grizzly, gristly, and grisly: Innocent grizzly bears and gristly, tough T-bones are being accused of grisly murders.

Misspellings include forsight, colonial for colonel, decreased and surprise. I worked for a newspaper that printed an expensive color Sunday magazine. The printed magazines were delivered early in the week.

On the color cover was a huge one-word headline: “Suprise!”

“Sheriff” confuses me so badly, I have to write down the correct version on a Post-it note to get it right.

“Sheriff” with one R and two Fs is the correct spelling for a law enforcement officer.

The double-barreled “Sherriff”  (two Rs and two Fs) is an English author, screenwriter and playwright, R.C. Sherriff, best known for “Journey’s End,” based on his World War I experience.

Version 1.0.0

Last, but not least, are the perilous possessives for a name ending is S.

TKZer P J Parrish has warned us to avoid using names that end in S, but sometimes we can’t help it.

I had the evil Corliss boys. This line: The Corlis’s are the most callus outlaws . . .” should not have any apostrophe.

What if you want to say something belongs to the Corlisses? That’s depends on what style you or your publisher uses: Mine prefer Corliss’s. Others use Corliss’.

Both are correct.

Enjoy these tips to become better writers. Or is it righters?

My new Florida Beach mystery is due out in June. Preorder Sex and Death on the Beach here: bit.ly/3W6Y2Rp

Refining a Cover

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Refining a Cover
Terry Odell

Last time, I mentioned that my cover artist, Kim Killion at The Killion Group, was working with a background image I took of a waterfall in Vágar in the Faroe Islands. This was the image I sent.

Picture of the Vagar Waterfall, blowing from the wind.

In keeping with the Blackthorne, Inc. series “branding” (see them here), I also sent her the stock image of the hero for the cover. We’ve talked before about how a cover should make the genre obvious, and these are romantic suspense books which fall under the “romance” umbrella. Once I admitted that cover design was a marketing task, I had all my previous Blackthorne covers redesigned to fit this basic look.

This is what she sent.

Now, had this been one of my former more “traditional” publishers, that would have been that. The title and my name were spelled correctly. Accept it. In fact, I probably would have approved this cover. However, Kim allows for some back-and-forthing, and I wanted to look at it more carefully. I also enlisted the opinion of one of my critique partners, who suggested the cliffs were too dark.

I let Kim know, and she came back with this comp.

At this point, I asked my editor for her opinion, which was that the white t-shirt was distracting. I agreed, and thought it would call attention away from my name, so I asked Kim what she thought. She thought those points were valid and sent this.

These were all subtle changes, but I like the final product. There’s also the fact that three comps are included in the price, but any more than that will incur extra charges.

With a cover, I can move forward with more of the dreaded marketing, such as working on promo images (memes?) to use on my blog, newsletter, and social media.

I also had to create the book’s page on my website.

But now, I’m busy going through my editor’s feedback.

Oh—one last thing (nothing like burying the lede, eh?)

Danger Abroad is now available for preorder at many of your favorite channels. Release date is set for April 17th.

New! Find me at Substack with Writings and Wanderings

Double Intrigue
When your dream assignment turns into more than you bargained for
Cover of Double Intrigue, an International Romantic Suspense by Terry Odell Shalah Kennedy has dreams of becoming a senior travel advisor—one who actually gets to travel. Her big break comes when the agency’s “Golden Girl” is hospitalized and Shalah is sent on a Danube River cruise in her place. She’s the only advisor in the agency with a knowledge of photography, and she’s determined to get stunning images for the agency’s website.
Aleksy Jakes wants out. He’s been working for an unscrupulous taskmaster in Prague, and he’s had enough. When he spots one of his coworkers in a Prague hotel restaurant, he’s shocked to discover she’s not who he thought she was.
As Shalah and Aleksy cruise along the Danube, the simple excursion soon becomes an adventure neither of them imagined.

Like bang for your buck? I have a new Mapleton Bundle. Books 4, 5, and 6 for one low price.

Terry Odell is an award-winning author of Mystery and Romantic Suspense, although she prefers to think of them all as “Mysteries with Relationships.”

Drinks, Dinner, and Mystery

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by Debbie Burke

@burke_writer

Photo credit: Flickr CC by 2.0

As a kid, I played the Clue board game, but otherwise I don’t know much about gaming. When mystery dinner parties recently crossed my radar, I became curious. A game night with drinks, dinner, and a crime to solve sounded intriguing. As a writer, I wondered:

Who writes the scripts?

Where do you find them?

How do mystery dinners work?

Is script writing a worthwhile option for authors to try?

To answer these questions, I snooped around a Florida snowbird community where a mystery dinner party had been held a couple of weeks ago.

The party hosts are Suzanne and Michael Fitzsimmons, originally from Colorado where they planned social events at a club they owned. After snow-birding for several years, they moved to Florida permanently and host frequent mystery dinners with varied themes. Suzanne says, “It’s a good way for casual acquaintances to become friends and bring the community closer together.”

Before sending invitations, Suzanne talks with residents to match personalities with roles.

That led to my interviews with four party guests.

Judie and Dru Gilliland are retired farmers from Ohio. Judie describes herself as being on the shy side although she’s not shy about her alma mater Ohio State (“Go Buckeyes!”). Their daughter describes Dru’s personality: “Dad could be in the middle of China and he’d find someone he knew.”

Kristen and Joe MacLellan live on Prince Edward Island, Canada and spend winters in Florida. Before retirement, Kristen owned a day care and Joe was a bank manager. Initially Kristen was reluctant to accept the party invitation because of shyness but said, “Joe was all over it like a dirty shirt.” Their nine grandkids call him the “Silly Grandad.”

Parties are built around themes and holidays like a Halloween haunted house, Scrooge’s Christmas murder, a cruise ship, and even a Hillbilly Wedding. Suzanne buys mystery game sets that include scripts, character roles, and descriptions.

She caps the guest list at eight to 10 people. Then she sends invitations that assign each person to play a character and suggests costumes. According to Judie, thrift shops are excellent places to shop for those outfits.

The setting for this party is a Napa Valley vineyard during a wine festival. Five years before, the vineyard’s owner Barry Underwood disappeared and the body had been buried under the wood floor in the wine cellar (humorous names are mandatory). When an earthquake destroys the floor, the body is revealed, and party guests must solve the crime.

Suspects include:

Ralph Rottingrape, the victim’s cousin who took over running the vineyard after Underwood’s disappearance.

Otto Von Schapps, played by Dru. He’s a loud, boisterous German wine merchant who wears lederhosen and suspenders and flashes lots of cash. “Perfect part for him,” Judie says. “Except I don’t flash cash,” Dru adds.

Kristen MacLellan as Marilyn Merlot

Kristen plays Marilyn Merlot whose costume is a billowy white dress, platinum wig, and long gloves. In this photo, Kristen’s shyness is forgotten as she recreates the famous scene from Seven Year Itch. “Too bad the fan wasn’t up to the task,” she laments.

Two characters are assigned to play the sleuths:

Joe is Bud Wizer, an FBI agent with beer logos on his t-shirt and cap. He’s armed with a six-pack.

Bud Wizer and Marilyn Merlot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Judie is Bonnie Lass, a Scottish mystery author, making her ideally suited to solve crimes. She wears a tartan skirt, knee socks, and a narrow brim fedora.

During cocktail hour, host Michael bartends while Suzanne hands out booklets for guests to read that outline the plot.

Over salad, characters introduce themselves and read their part of the script. Each receives an envelope containing a clue that’s unique to that character. All have motives for murder, but only the killer knows his or her identity and that person reads from a different script.

While dinner goes on in a light-hearted atmosphere, characters warm to their roles with accents, flamboyant gestures, and ad libs. Joe improvised by adding a blackmail subplot that wasn’t in the script.

After dessert, everyone tries to guess the killer’s identity. At this party, only Dru and Judie guessed correctly. The identity was revealed to me but, sorry, I’m sworn to secrecy.

The evening is hailed as an entertaining success and Suzanne and Michael are on to planning the next party in March with a different theme and a new guest list.

Researching more game details, I found party kits range from $25 to $200+, depending on complexity and sophistication. Basic sets usually include invitation forms, name tags, scripts, and menu suggestions to fit the theme. Higher-end sets offer those options plus decorations, props, costumes, party souvenirs, and prizes.

Kits are tailored to different age groups from young children to teens to adults. Selections are mostly G-rated, without onstage violence.

Scripts can be similar to the Clue board game where victim, weapon, and murderer vary each time. Others feature set scripts that are not changeable.

If a murder dinner party is for profit where admission is charged or tickets are sold, a commercial license must be purchased (usually $200-250).

Variations offer options where all guests, even the host, can be suspects. For those, each person is assigned a number beforehand. At the beginning of the party, guests draw slips with corresponding numbers from a bowl. People are instructed to keep a straight face when they open slips. Most say “innocent” but one says “guilty.” Only the “guilty” player knows who they are.

Two scripts are provided to players—one to be followed if they’re innocent, a different one if they’re guilty.

Can you earn income by writing mystery party scripts? I found one site that accepts submissions but doesn’t mention compensation. Mastersofmystery.com‘s application outlines qualifications:

  • Exceptional storytelling skills with a passion for creating captivating narratives.

  • Strong writing and editing abilities, with a keen eye for detail.

  • Creativity and the ability to think critically to construct intricate murder mystery plots.

  • Excellent communication and collaboration skills to work effectively within a multidisciplinary team.

  • Previous experience in game writing, scriptwriting, or a related field is a plus.

 

I also found one successful business built around mystery party games. Dr. Bon Blossman is a physiologist with a passion for gaming, party planning, and writing. She combined all three into Mymysteryparty.com.

Blossman recalls:

“When I launched My Mystery Party in 2006, I handled everything—from game development and web design to customer service and shipping.”

The enterprise grew quickly. By 2009, Blossman was teaching as a post-doc and adjunct professor when realization hit her:

“My games and mystery novels had surpassed my academic income, leading me to become a full-time mystery party game developer and YA author.”

Her website showcases more than 100 games she’s written, with titles like the “Nancy Crew Mystery Series,” “Game of Crowns,” and “Twas the Night Before Murder.” The site includes videos, how-to articles, and an extensive storefront with related merchandise.

After almost 20 years in business, Blossman remains committed and hands-on:

“While I now have an amazing team assisting with party packs, phones, social media, and customer inquiries, I still develop every game and co-manage the websites, among other things.”

Her creativity, entrepreneurship, and hard work paid off.

“They say to turn your hobby into a career—and that’s exactly what I did!”

Encouraging words for all of us struggling authors.

During my interview with Suzanne, she mentioned, “I’d like to host an all-girl party,” for women who want to play the game, but their husbands resist.

That prompted an idea. Could I write the mystery dinner party script she wants? I’m always game (sorry) for a new challenge. Hmmm.

What if a guy who’d been married eight times is murdered and the ex-wives are all suspects…?

~~~

TKZers: Have you ever attended a mystery dinner party? Have you hosted one? To stretch writing muscles, would you try creating a script?

~~~

Looking for a cheap thrill? For a limited time, Deep Fake Double Down is on sale for only $.99.

Winner of the 2023 BookList Award for Best Mystery. 

Sales link

Bad Decisions

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Every choice comes with a consequence. —Roy T. Bennett

* * *

Human history is strewn with the results of bad decisions.

  • Someone decided to fill the Hindenburg airship with hydrogen rather than helium. Thirty-six people died.
  • The captain of the Titanic decided to maintain speed through the icy waters of the North Atlantic even though icebergs had been reported in the area. More than fifteen hundred people died.
  • Napoleon decided to invade Russia and lost most of his army. Nearly a million people died.

* * *

Sometimes a disaster isn’t the result of just one bad decision, but many small ones.

Take the story of the Titan missile disaster, for example. (Most of the facts cited here were taken from the This American Life podcast, Episode 634. A transcript can be found here.)

As most of us know, there are missile silos located all over the United States. They house intercontinental ballistic missiles that are armed with nuclear warheads intended to keep us safe by preventing bad actors from trying to attack the U.S.

Missile sites are placed deep underground with heavily insulated control centers nearby, and lots and lots of concrete and steel between the silo and the outside world.

Now you might think ICBMs just sit in their silos waiting for something to happen. But actually, the missiles have to be maintained just like any other manmade artifact. You would think that such a high-stakes situation would be so closely monitored that nothing could go wrong.

You would think.

In September 1980, the Titan II missile in Damascus, Arkansas was scheduled for maintenance. The Titan II, at that time the most powerful weapon in the American nuclear arsenal, was loaded with two different liquid fuels in separate compartments rather than the solid fuel used in later missiles. If the highly volatile, toxic liquid fuels escaped or met unexpectedly, there could be a disaster.

Two young men were assigned the maintenance task. The first one, we’ll call him Primary Worker, was experienced. The second, let’s call him Trainee, was in training.

The task was straightforward. One of the missile’s fuel tanks was low on pressure, so all they had to do was take off a cap and add some fuel.  Sort of like pumping gas into your car. Primary Worker was familiar with the procedure. No problem.

In order for the work to begin, however, the hydraulic platform, which was like an elevator that went up and down the side of the missile, had to be lowered. But there was a problem with the platform, and the maintenance guys had to wait for a couple of hours while workers fixed it.

At this point, it was late Friday afternoon, heading into evening. You can just imagine two young men who are eager to meet friends and start the weekend being told there was a delay. It must have been frustrating. We all know what it’s like when we have something planned, but somebody throws a wrench into the works. (This will be extremely meaningful later.)

Finally, the hydraulic platform was repaired. The two young men donned their protective suits and started down the long tunnel to the silo. At some point, they realized they had forgotten the torque wrench that was required for the job.

Rather than causing a further delay by getting out of his suit, following all the protocol of going back to his truck to retrieve the torque wrench, and then redoing everything, Primary Worker made Bad Decision #1: ignore the regulation and use a huge, two-piece ratchet wrench which he had with him. Trainee questioned the decision, but Primary Worker said he’d done it before, and it was not a problem.

The two men proceeded to the silo and took the hydraulic platform up. When it stopped, they were roughly eighty feet above the base of the missile.

The platform had a rubber bumper that was supposed to be flush against the side of the missile to prevent anything from dropping, but the equipment was old, and there was a gap between the platform and the missile.

The two men used the ratchet wrench to remove the cap from the missile. Everything went smoothly.

Bad decision #2: One of the men handed his part of the wrench to the other one. The other man dropped it.

Are you getting worried yet?

The socket fell between the platform and the side of the missile. Of course, it gained momentum as it plummeted eighty feet. My husband calculated it was probably going about fifty mph when it hit the thrust ring that the missile sat atop, bounced, and—you guessed it—punctured a hole in the side of the missile. Fuel began to spray out. What are the chances?

At this point, the maintenance men should have radioed the control center and told them about the accident. They didn’t.

Bad decision #3: Instead of contacting the control center and owning up to what had happened, Primary Worker simply called in and said there was a cloud of vapor coming out of the side of the rocket. The maintenance men were ordered back to the control center.

Alarms began to sound in the control center. Horns were going off, lights were flashing, and people there were rushing around trying to understand the problem, but it didn’t make sense because they didn’t have the whole picture.

When the maintenance men got back to the control center, they saw the chaos that was in progress, but they made Bad decision #4: they still didn’t let the authorities know that the side of the missile had been punctured. Since the fuel compartments were pressurized, at some point enough fuel would leak out, the bottom compartment would collapse, and there would probably be an explosion. But the people in the control center didn’t know how to treat the problem because they didn’t know what the problem was.

Finally, one of the controllers suspected the maintenance men were holding something back, so he approached them and insisted that they say exactly what had happened. They finally came clean.

When the truth became clear, the people in the control center realized an explosion was imminent. They contacted their superiors.

The question was whether to remain in the control center which was designed to withstand a nuclear hit, or to evacuate.

Bad decision #5: The commanding officer ordered them to evacuate.

When the explosion came, there were men outside in the fields and woods around the complex. Huge chunks of metal and concrete debris, some as large as a school bus, rained down. The lid of the silo, a 1.5-million pound slab of concrete and steel, was hurled over 500 feet.

The nuclear warhead ejected from the missile and landed in a ditch a quarter mile away from the silo. It didn’t detonate. If it had … well, let’s not think about that.

So there you have it. A perfect storm of bad decisions. At each stage, the stakes were raised that led to a disaster.  It could have been worse.

Incidentally, the accident prompted a change in regulations. Workers now have to attach their tools to themselves by a lanyard. Good decision.

* * *

Although we try to avoid making bad decisions in real life, they can be the stuff of great fiction. After all, bad decisions are usually born out of base human fallacies: fear, hubris, anger, greed, envy, lust, impatience, frustration… The list goes on. And these make wonderful fodder for storytelling. As each bad choice is made in a story, it ratchets (pun intended) up the tension. Each new decision raises the stakes and ensures the reader will turn the page.

Think of some of the great fictional examples of bad choices.

  • The Trojans decided to accept the gift of a wooden horse from the Greeks.
  • The mayor of Amity Island in the movie Jaws decided to keep the beaches open even though there had been a shark sighted in the area.
  • Scientists decided to use DNA extracted from fossilized mosquitoes to create dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.

It just goes to show you:

Bad choices make good stories. —Rajkumar Hirani

* * *

So TKZers: Can you think of any examples of bad decision-making from books you’ve read? How about characters in your own books. Have they made bad choices?

 

 

Private pilot Cassie Deakin has to decide whom she can trust while she’s looking for a murderer. Her bad choices almost get her killed.

Available at  Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, Google Play, or Apple Books.

 

Exposition in Your Opening: Less is More

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by James Scott Bell
@jamesscottbell

Here is another first page for critique. See you on the other side.

At the Edge of the Radiant Sea

If Larissa Jackson squinted hard enough, the blue tents massed on the plain below might almost look like the ocean. A barren strip of beige separated the refugee camp from the Atlantic, vast and forbidding under the glaring sun. And if she tried really hard, the faint din of two hundred thousand Slavic refugees could almost sound … like seagulls’ cries?

Except that the Arctic War, as it exploded across the Northern Hemisphere, had wiped out seagulls almost a decade ago.

Larissa shivered on the café’s patio. Despite the canvas canopy sheltering her, she settled her sunhat more firmly on her head. Eight years after the war’s end, the nuclear winter that had frozen the world under unending clouds of smoke was lifting. But the price for sunlight was skyrocketing levels of UV radiation, thanks to the tattered ozone layer, another casualty of the war.

Taking a final gulp of her milky coffee – now lukewarm, barely worth drinking – she turned away from the view, unease settling over her like a blanket of nettles. She wanted to be back in the bright sterility of her lab in Texas, not on the windswept edge of Portugal’s Algarve coast, about to enter a refugee camp.

She’d hoped a coffee would calm her nerves and wake her up after the long flight from Dallas to Lisbon, and the ensuing two-hour drive south.

But when she’d entered, the pastelaria was unlit, and its cold interior smelled of dirty dishwater. Glass cases that should be filled with a bounty of pastries held nothing but a few pastéis de nata, the iconic Portuguese custard tarts. Patch jobs of grey cement marred the black and white tiled floor. The spotted mirror behind the counter reflected the server’s thinning hair and scowl as he banged white ceramic cups onto metal shelves attached to the back wall. Dumpy, brown-haired, brown-eyed Larissa had never been a beauty, but even with fatigue written across her face and bags under her eyes, she looked indefinably healthier and more prosperous than anyone she’d seen since stepping off the plane.

Maybe the server had seen her get out of the sleek black sedan and assumed it belonged to her. He couldn’t know she was here on someone else’s orders.

***

JSB: We have a promising start. The first two paragraphs give us enough information to set the scene and offer quite a disturbance—a post-apocalyptic sea coast teeming with refugees. And I like that Larissa is trying to avoid thinking about the reality of it. I’m ready for some action. But—

Paragraph 3:

Larissa shivered on the café’s patio. Despite the canvas canopy sheltering her, she settled her sunhat more firmly on her head. Eight years after the war’s end, the nuclear winter that had frozen the world under unending clouds of smoke was lifting. But the price for sunlight was skyrocketing levels of UV radiation, thanks to the tattered ozone layer, another casualty of the war.

This is a paragraph of exposition. It exists only to feed us information. Larissa is merely a peg to hang it on. Keep this in mind: act first, explain later. Readers will happily wait for exposition if they are connected to a character doing something of moment. Larissa adjusting her hat is not the kind of something I mean. A scene needs to have some sort of tension or conflict, almost always by way of another character. I’ll have a suggestion about that later.

Paragraph 4:

Taking a final gulp of her milky coffee – now lukewarm, barely worth drinking – she turned away from the view, unease settling over her like a blanket of nettles. She wanted to be back in the bright sterility of her lab in Texas, not on the windswept edge of Portugal’s Algarve coast, about to enter a refugee camp.

Once again, the paragraph is exposition. This time the author wants us to know the precise location and a bit of character background. Again, don’t be in such a hurry to give us all this information!

You do have some interior emotion here, but I had trouble picturing a “blanket of nettles.” Or, more precisely, I didn’t have trouble—I couldn’t help seeing a bunch of spiky leaves stitched together draped over her body. Coming up with fresh metaphors for feelings is an ongoing challenge. We don’t want to use clichés, but we also need to avoid pictures that yank us too far out of the moment. And we don’t want to overuse them, either. Sometimes just write she turned away from the view and took a deep breath. 

Paragraph 5:

She’d hoped a coffee would calm her nerves and wake her up after the long flight from Dallas to Lisbon, and the ensuing two-hour drive south.

More background information. Do we really need to know this?

Paragraph 6:

But when she’d entered, the pastelaria was unlit, and its cold interior smelled of dirty dishwater. Glass cases that should be filled with a bounty of pastries held nothing but a few pastéis de nata, the iconic Portuguese custard tarts. Patch jobs of grey cement marred the black and white tiled floor. The spotted mirror behind the counter reflected the server’s thinning hair and scowl as he banged white ceramic cups onto metal shelves attached to the back wall. 

I like the detail work, the colors, the smell. But they are piled on. The author’s voice begins to intrude (the iconic Portuguese custard tarts) then takes on full volume when describing Larissa from an Omniscient POV:

Dumpy, brown-haired, brown-eyed Larissa had never been a beauty, but even with fatigue written across her face and bags under her eyes, she looked indefinably healthier and more prosperous than anyone she’d seen since stepping off the plane.

This is the author telling us what Larissa looks like, especially in comparison to others.  Now, I’m not saying this is fatal. Sidney Sheldon and Danielle Steel sold millions of books with just this kind of Omniscient POV. I just want you to be aware of what you’re doing and understand that if you’re not careful it can distance us from the main character.

The page ends with a potentially page-turning mystery: whose orders is she here on? But by this time I fear the reader might be getting antsy. Let me suggest an exercise. Try going to the first line of dialogue in your book and start there. Don’t give the readers any exposition except what you reveal in the dialogue itself. There will be plenty of time to get all the information in that the reader needs, but only after we have a real scene going on.

I think it was Elmore Leonard who said most of what the reader needs to know can be given in dialogue. That’s an overstatement, but writers often don’t give dialogue enough thought for exposition. I don’t mean the kind of dialogue known as “Here we are in sunny Spain” or “As you know, Bob.” The characters must sound like they are really talking to each other. A tip is to make the dialogue tense or confrontational. That “hides” the exposition.

NOT:

“Boy,” Larissa said, “the windswept edge of Portugal’s Algarve coast sure isn’t like my home base in Texas.”

“Did you have trouble getting here?” the server said.

“The flight from Dallas to Lisbon was all right, but the two-hour drive south was almost too much.”

RATHER:

“This is no place for a woman,” the server said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Larissa said.

“You’re here to help the refugees.”

“So?”

“Where are you from?”

“Texas, if that’s any of your—”

“Go back,” he said.

And so on.

One final note. I’m not sure if At the Edge of the Radiant Sea is the title of the book or the chapter. If the latter, fine. If the former, I’m not wild about it. It sounds “literary.” Try coming up with five alternative titles. Compare it with others in your genre.

You can write. You know how to string sentences together and have an eye for detail. All good. Now it’s a matter of being strategic with your exposition. Less is more on the opening page.

Thanks for your submission, author. Now let’s hear what others have to say.

First Page Words of Wisdom

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There’s been a tremendous amount of writing wisdom shared over the years here at the Kill Zone, and I thought it would be a good idea to look at some wisdom offered as part of TKZ’s long-running First Page Critique series, especially since next time I will be giving my own inaugural first page critique on a recent fantasy submission.

First up today is Joe Moore’s advice on First-Person POV. Next PJ Parrish gives advice on sculpting a novel, prompted by her previous first page critique—alas, the link to that critique is no longer valid, but her advice in this post is still with us. Finally, Jordan Dane discusses how to make your inciting incident what it needs in order to give your novel a strong opening.

As always, the full posts are date-linked from their respective excerpts, and I hope you’ll weigh in with your own thoughts and comments.

Advantages of First POV:

1.) First person is easier to write (if you get the whole stream of consciousness thing going where you don’t filter yourself much) and it can help you flesh out the character – a good exercise even if you write in third POV.

2.) There is an immediate connection and intimacy to a first person POV voice. It is a blast to write. Even if you are writing in third and come across a bad writing day where nothing works, try writing your character’s diary and see what I mean. It can jumpstart your creativity.

3.) Writing in first person creates a clear perspective and a more linear plot involving the same character in every scene, but you better love that character—and make the reader love him/her too.

Challenges of First POV:

1.) If you choose to stay in first POV only, you must stick in the head of the character and plot the book from only things they can see. By doing this, you may give up some ability to manipulate your plot for mystery elements through secondary characters or foreshadow the workings of a villainous mind. Your character can only know what they have seen through your plot. This can be a limitation. I mix first with third POV to keep all my flexibility and tag the start of every scene where the main character is in first person so the reader can easily follow, but this method may not suit every author.

2.) The gender of the character can be a challenge if you do not identify your character, as the author did here with a name. He/she pronouns aren’t used, so you should find a way to indicate early on which gender is speaking before the reader gets too far along with an idea.

3.) The biggest challenge is not slipping into the “tell” mode, rather than the “show” mode in a first person narrative. This submission falls in that category where the lure of the narrator appeals for a while, but when nothing really happens in the critical first paragraphs, the reader’s mind may stray. Give the character something to do that will showcase his nature and attitude so the reader sees why he is a star in your story.

4.) Setting the scene can be a challenge in the first person. You have to “see” the surroundings and convey them through your character’s eyes, using the same attitude and flavor of their voice, without being obvious that you are “setting the stage” with an inventory or checklist.

Joe Moore–November 21, 2013

 

Writing a novel is a long series of questions and answers that you constantly ask yourself as you move through your story. As you do so, maybe it’s helpful to think about writing in terms of three-dimensional design. Consider…

Setting: Did I establish where my story takes place concretely enough so the reader feels transported to coastal Maine or does the setting feel like some generic Anywhereville? Am I wasting too many words describing this old insane asylum or do I need more to enhance the mood, to achieve what Poe called “the Unity of Effect”? If a setting is, indeed, like a character, is mine a quick line sketch or is it a well-rendered life-drawing? Or worse, is it not a character at all but just a sloppy caricature of Paris, Las Vegas, Miami…fill in the place with whatever postcard image you can come up with.

Backstory: How much do I reveal about Joe’s tortured past and do I deal with it in one long flashback scene or do I dribble it in slowly?  Am I boring my reader with all this family-tree data or do they need it to understand the dynamics between mother and daughter? And if you write a series — how much about a character’s past from previous books do you need to add?  Too much and you bore loyal fans; too little and you confuse new converts.  If you go back and read the submission I mentioned above, you’ll see that I asked the writer, even in her first 400 words, to include a few more tidbits about her characters to add intrigue.

Description: Do I tell the reader what my protag looks like or do I let it fall to their imagination? Have I successfully conjured up this police station so the reader feels the atmosphere or does it add nothing to the narrative? Have I exploited my description?  This is a subtle tool of fiction but important:  Do you make your descriptions mean something? Do they somehow enhance and reflect what is going on in your action?

Years ago, at Thrillerfest, I heard David Morrell talk about this brilliantly. He talked about how the novelist John Barth used a method call “triangulation.” (James Hall teaches this as well). When describing your setting, you take the sense of sight for granted, but then you add two other senses from among the remaining four. If your characters merely “see” everything, your writing will feel one-dimensional. So you “triangulate” and emphasize the other senses.

Tattoo this line from Morrell on your forehead: “The flaw of an amateur is to assume what’s in our head is what’s on the page.”

PJ Parrish—February 14, 2017

 

Before I give my feedback, I wanted to share my thoughts on where to start a novel. Since I am a thriller/crime fiction writer, I tend to start with a body or an act of violence or action that will change my protagonist’s life and tip it like a first domino colliding with others. An inciting incident disrupts the status quo and stirs things up in an intriguing way for the reader. It jump starts the story arcs and kicks off the plot to take its course.

An example of this is found in the first Hunger Games book where the inciting incident is a ‘district’ lottery drawing that forces Katniss into taking the place of her little sister in a fight to the death broadcast on a futuristic television show. That incident is a punch to the emotional gut of the reader who MUST turn the page to find out what happens.

But what if your inciting incident isn’t that dramatic? What can you do to strengthen your opener? 

Point of No Return – One benchmark for a solid inciting incident is that the protagonist can’t retreat once it starts. There should be a point of no return where the hero/heroine is forced to step out of his or her comfort zone and head into the abyss, to take a risk they hadn’t seen coming or that forces them into confronting their worst fears. It’s the author’s job to set the stage for the reader to discover why the hero or heroine deserves a starring role.

HERE is a link to a plotting method I’ve posted on my website under my FOR WRITERS section. It features the “W” plotting method and mentions the point of no return.

To Go Forward, You Sometimes have to Step Back – Ask yourself, what is my story about, the main thrust of the plot? Let’s call that a demarcation line. Now step back to a point where you find your protagonist, living in relative obscurity. What will drive him or her into stepping toward that demarcation line? What will stir, incite, or force them into making a move they might not otherwise? Then ask what would make that move a one-way trip? What is their point of no return, line in the sand moment? Picture a burned out mercenary, living as a hermit in the jungles of Venezuela, when a nun running an orphanage crosses his path. Their meeting may not be the point of no return, but when the villain in your story makes it his business to force the mercenary’s hand (threatening the children or the nun), the anti-hero takes action and can no longer live in obscurity. He’s forced to give up his life of anonymity and face his demons in order to do the right thing.

Questions to Ask About Your Inciting Incident to Make it Stronger:

1.) Review your current WIP for your inciting incident. Does it propel your protagonist (or even your antagonist) into your plot arcs?

2.) Is the inciting incident big enough to sustain a novel or propel it forward in a meaningful and realistic way? Are there enough building turning points to make it a journey?

3.) Are the stakes high enough to make the reader care?

4.) Does the inciting incident influence or jump start the main story question for your plot?

5.) Can your hero or heroine retreat from the inciting incident or is it significant enough to force a change into a new direction? In other words, do you have a legitimate point of no return where they are forced to cross that proverbial line in the sand?

Jordan Dane—October 19, 2017

***

  1. Have you written in first-person POV? If so, what was your experience?
  2. What do you think of Kris’s three-dimensional design approach to “sculpting a novel?” Have you triangulated in the fashion she discusses?
  3. What’s your approach to crafting a powerful inciting incident?
  4. Have you ever submitted a first page critique, either here, or at a conference or convention? If so, was it helpful?

Reader Friday-Life Happens

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Simple question this morning, TKZers. Or maybe not so simple…

Inquiring minds want to know…

 

Life happens, right?

In your Reading/Writing life, is there a particular event from your own life that crops up over and over in what you write or choose to read? What “happening” in your own sojourn on planet earth flavors your stories? Something sad, or happy, or chaotic? Something that lifted you to new heights, or threw you down and stomped on you?

Each character is colored by my life experiences. Yours?

 

 

Not to be too gloomy or bleak, for me it was losing my younger brother and sister five years apart. Those dark years, as sad as they were while living through them, have formed my characters into people who know what’s important. And they teach me.

So, how about you? What about your life feeds into your favorite characters, either written or read?

 

 

 

 

When The Moment Came, I Couldn’t Do It

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By John Gilstrap

Maybe I’m losing my edge. Maybe I’m just getting soft and doddering in my old age, but it’s not the kind of thing that happens to me. I let the character live.

Actually, it’s worse than that. I couldn’t bring myself to kill him. I mean, he was supposed to die. The next chapters were going to work because Jason was dead. I’d made him a point of view character for a couple of chapters so readers would feel pain with his loss–we call that drama in my line of work–and I’d given him a fine, heroic final few moments.

But when the paragraph came that Jonathan Grave was supposed to witness him die, he instead discovered a pulse. Which is a real pain in my butt because instead of just walking away from the body and moving on with the story, Jonathan and his team have to figure out what to do with a critically wounded innocent.

Did I mention that Jason was fourteen years old? Okay, that played into my decision.

Here’s the thing, though: Actions have consequences. Not only have I stumbled into an unexpected twenty-page diversion and new plot point, but that plot point somehow has to pay off down the road as I race toward my April 15 deadline. That’s a lot more work.

And, now that I look back, that looming prospect of a lot more work might have been pushing me to lean more on the side of letting the kid die. Yes, it would have been dramatic, but it also would have felt like a bit of a betrayal of my brand. Fictional heroes save lives, they don’t walk away from corpses. Readers don’t buy my books with the anticipation that I’m going to take the easiest route for myself as an author, but rather with the anticipation that I’m going to squeeze as much drama and excitement out of as many scenes as I can create.

These past few weeks, I have been tired, conflicted, and way too busy. It’s been hard to concentrate on my writing–or anything else for that matter–for more than just an hour or two at a time. When that happens, it’s easy to become tempted by shortcuts. I know I’m preaching to the choir here because many of you have jobs and kids and a dozen simultaneous obligations that make your writing time difficult and fleeting.

When those times come, I urge you to remember to trust your creative gut and do the right thing.

I started this post by lamenting that maybe I had lost my edge, but now I know that’s not at all the case. Quite the opposite is true, in fact. I discovered that my edge is sharp enough to not let me make a mistake that I would regret later.

Yo! Muse!

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O Muses, O high genius, aid me now!
O memory that engraved the things I saw,
Here shall your worth be manifest to all!
— Dante, The Divine Comedy

By PJ Parrish

I am dipping a toe back in the fiction waters this week because I got an assignment to write a short story for an anthology. Man, my gears are rusty because I have officially retired from novel writing and without the daily routine, everything sort of freezes up.

Apologies to those of you who struggle with these demons every day. But shoot, I feel like I’ve forgotten how to do this. Which means I am going to resort here to yet another metaphor.

Writing is like sailing in the ocean in the middle of a squall. I know because when I was young and living in Fort Lauderdale, I used to sail Hobie Cats competitively. The day is always sunny when you launch your Hobie from the beach and you’re all aglow with hardy-har-har-endorphins. So it is when you sit down and type CHAPTER ONE.

Then the storm hits and there you are, hanging onto a 16-foot piece of fiberglas and vinyl, hoping lightening doesn’t hit the mast and fry your ass. You are out there alone in the storm, out of sight of land, riding the waves and the troughs, hoping you can make it home. You might even throw up. This is usually around CHAPTER TWENTY for me.

End of metaphor.

I often wonder what keeps writers writing. Tyranny of the contract deadline? Blind faith? The idea that if you don’t you might have to do real physical labor for a living? All of those have worked for me in the past. But today, I am sitting here staring at my empty screen waiting for my muse to show up.

Now, let’s get one thing clear here. I don’t really believe in WAITING for a muse to show up. I get really impatient with writers who claim they can’t write until they feel inspired because frankly, 90 percent of this is writing DESPITE the fact your brain is as dry as Waffle House toast. Or as soggy, depending on which Waffle House you frequent. The last one I was in was off the Valdosta Ga. I-95 exit in 1995 and the toast was so dry it stands today as my singular metaphor for stagnant creativity.

But I do believe that sometimes — usually when your brain is preoccupied with other stuff — something creeps into the cortex and quietly hands you a gift. And these little gifts are what get you through.

There are nine muses in mythology — Calliope, Clio, Erato, Melpomene, Polymnia, Terpsichore, Urania, Euterpe, and Thalia. (who was Dobie Gillis’s unobtainable ideal woman, btw). The muses ruled over such things as dance, music, history, even astronomy. No muses for crime writers, unless you count Calliope for epic poetry but James Lee Burke has her on permanent retainer.

I don’t have just one muse. I’ve figured out I have a couple who specialize in particular parts of my writing.

First, there’s my dialogue muse. I call him J.J. because he sounds like Burt Lancaster’s gossip columnist J.J. Hunsecker in The Sweet Smell of Success. Always chewing at my ear saying oily things like, “I’d hate to take a bite out of you, you’re a cookie full of arsenic.” J.J. makes my skin crawl but man, can this guy write dialogue.

Then there’s my narrative muse. I call her Cat Woman because she slips in on silent paws, sings in a fey whisper and visits just as morning has broken. I sleep with blackout drapes, a white-noise machine and the A/C turned so cold the bedroom is like a crypt. So as I wake, there is icy air swirling and a soft swoooshing sound. And Cat Woman, whispering a long segment of exposition. I have learned to lay there, very still, until she is done, because if I get up to write it down, she vanishes.

My third muse is Flo, named after the waitress who worked in Mel’s Diner on the old Alice sitcom. Her voice sounds like the door of a rusted Gremlin. Flo’s Greek name is Nike (the goddess of victory) and her slogan is “Just Do It.” Because whenever those other muses fail me, Flo is there. She is the muse who knows that the only way I am going to get anything written is through plain old hard work.

I’d be lost without her. Who, or what, keeps you going?

Let’s Talk Turkey #WriteTip

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I moved into my new place last week. Hence why you haven’t seen me in the comment section. It took two weeks to pack. I’m now unpacking. I found a cozy little abode on the New Hampshire seacoast, near the Massachusetts border. It’s the best of both worlds — two minutes from anything I might need, yet a quiet country setting with plenty of wildlife.

As I gazed out my kitchen window for the first time, five huge male turkeys stood sentinel in the yard. Soon, twenty-five more joined them to socialize, feast, and play. The original five Toms guard the property all day. There’s also an adorable opossum and three albino skunks — stunning all white fur — who come nightly to eat alongside the resident stray cat. All four share the same bowl.

Why can’t humans put aside their differences like animals can?

For my fellow crow lovers out there, a murder of crows arrived on day two. Or Poe and the gang followed me. Sure sounds like Poe’s voice, but I can’t be certain until I set up their feeding spot and take a closer look. My murder has white dots, each in different spots, which helps me tell them apart. Plus, Poe has one droopy wing.

As I watched the five Toms this morning, it reminded me of a post I’d written back in 2017 (time flies on TKZ, doesn’t it?). So, I thought I’d revamp that post a bit, and tweak for our pantser friends.

***

Clare’s recent post got me thinking about craft and how, as we write, the story inflates like a Tom turkey. If you think about it long enough and throw in a looming deadline, Tom Turkey and story structure have a lot in common.

Stay with me. I promise it’ll make sense, but I will ask you to take one small leap of faith — I need you to picture Tom Turkey as the sum of his parts, constructed by craft. And yes, this light bulb blazed on over the Thanksgiving holiday. We are now having spiral ham for Christmas dinner.

But I digress.

Story beats build Tom’s spine. Think of each milestone as vertebrae. Pantsers, let the story unfold as it flows. You can always check the beat placement after the drafting stage.

The ribs that extend from Tom’s spine liken to the equal parts that expand our beats and tell us how our characters should react before, during, and after the quest.

Broken into four equal parts, 25% percent each, this is the dramatic arc. It’s a natural progression that many writers do instinctually. If you want to check your work after the drafting stage, pantsers, the dramatic arc should look like this…

  • Setup (Page 1 – 25% mark): Introduce protagonist, hook the reader, setup First Plot Point through foreshadowing, stakes, and establish empathy (not necessarily likability) for the MC.
  • Response (25% – 50% mark): The MC’s reaction to the new goal/stakes/obstacles revealed by the First Plot Point. MC doesn’t need to be heroic yet. They retreat, regroup, and have doomed attempts at reaching their goal. Also include a reminder of antagonistic forces at work.
  • Attack (50% – 75% mark): Midpoint information/awareness causes the MC to change course in how to approach the obstacles; the hero is now empowered with information on how to proceed, not merely reacting anymore.
  • Resolution (75% – The End): MC summons the courage, inner strength, and growth to find a solution to overcome inner obstacles and conquer the antagonistic force. All new information must have been referenced, foreshadowed, or already in play by 2nd Plot Point or we’re guilty of deus ex machina.

Tom Turkey is beginning to take shape.

Characterization adds meat to his bones, and conflict-driven sub-plots supply tendons and ligaments. When we layer in dramatic tension in the form of a need, goal, quest, and challenges to overcome, Tom’s skin forms and thickens.

With obstacle after obstacle, and inner and outer conflict, Tom strengthens enough to sprout feathers. At the micro-level, MRUs (Motivation-Reaction-Units) — for every action there’s a reaction — establish our story rhythm and pace. They also help heighten and maintain suspense. If you remember every action has a reaction, MRUs come naturally to many writers. Still good to check on the first read through.

MRUs fluff Tom Turkey’s feathers. He even grew a beak!

Providing a vicarious experience, our emotions splashed across the page, makes Tom fan his tail-feathers. The rising stakes add to Tom’s glee (he’s a sadist), and he prances for a potential mate. He believes he’s ready to score with the ladies. Tom may actually get lucky this year.

Then again, we know better. Don’t we, dear writers? Poor Tom is still missing a few crucial elements to close the deal.

By structuring our scenes — don’t groan, pantsers! — Tom grew an impressive snood. See it dangling over his beak? The wattle under his chin needs help, though. Hens are shallow creatures. 😉 Quick! We need a narrative structure.

Narrative structure refers to the way in which a story is organized and presented to the reader. It includes the plot, subplot, characters, setting, and theme, as well as techniques and devices used by the author to convey these elements.

Now, Tom looks sharp. What an impressive bird. Watch him prance, full and fluffy, head held high, tail feathers fanned in perfect formation.

Uh-oh. Joe Hunter sets Tom in his rifle scope. We can’t let him die before he finds a mate! But how can we save him? We’ve already given him all the tools he needs, right?

Well, not quite.

Did we choose the right point of view to tell our story? If we didn’t, Tom could wind up on a holiday table surrounded by drooling humans in bibs. We can’t let that happen! Nor can we afford to lose the reader before we get a chance to dazzle ’em.

Tom needs extra oomph — aka Voice. Without it, Joe Hunter will murder poor Tom.

Voice is an elusive beast for new writers because it develops over time. To quote JSB:

It comes from knowing each character intimately and writing with the “voice” that is a combo of character and author and craft on the page.

That added oomph makes your story special. No one can write like you. No one. Remember that when self-doubt or imposter syndrome creeps in.

If Tom hopes to escape Joe Hunter’s bullet, he needs wings in the form of context. Did we veer outside readers’ expectations for the genre we’re writing in? Did we give Tom a heart and soul by subtly infusing theme? Can we boil down the plot to its core story, Tom’s innards? What about dialogue? Does Tom gobble or quack?

Have we shown the three dimensions of character to add oxygen to Tom’s lungs? You wouldn’t want to be responsible for suffocating Tom to death, would you?

  • 1st Dimension of Character: The best version of who they are; the face the character shows to the world
  • 2nd Dimension of Character:  The person a character shows to friends and family
  • 3rd Dimension of Character:  The character’s true character. If a fire breaks out in a crowded theater, will they help others or elbow their way to the exit?

Lastly, Tom needs a way to wow the ladies. Better make sure our prose sings. If we don’t, Tom might die of loneliness. Do we really want to be responsible for that? To be safe, let’s review our word choices, sentence variations, paragraphing, white space, grammar, and how we string words together to ensure Tom lives a full and fruitful life.

Don’t forget to rewrite and edit. If readers love Tom, he and his new mate may bring chicks (sequels or prequels) into the world, and we, as Tom’s creator, have the honor of helping them flourish into full-fledged turkeys.

Aww… Tom’s story has a happy ending now. Good job, writers!

For fun, choose a name for Tom’s mate. Winner gets bragging rights.