Killzoneblog.com

Killzoneblog.com

Category Archives: #amwriting

First Page Critique: The Accountant

Posted on by
7

Another Brave Writer submitted their first page for critique. See you on the flipside.

The Accountant – a crime novel

Donatelli glanced down as he stuffed his cigarette into the car ashtray with its integrated ember killer. It looked like a damn coffee cup. Nobody could tell him not to smoke in his own fuckin’ car, so there, Anna, put that in your pipe and smoke it. 

     He had just left his accountant’s office, odd duck, an ace with money. “and financial planner for all your needs…” he mimicked in his mind, in a sneering voice. Good at his job, but Kevin was a pussy.

     He flicked on the heat and massage feature as he wheeled the black Benz S580 onto Queen Street from the aging parking garage. His eyes rising to the windshield, he glimpsed the movement of a red dot criss-crossing his bespoke oxford cloth shirt. Panic engulfed him as it moved up the subtle stripes, out of eye range, toward the big bald dome of his head. He looked down, cross-eyed, searching frantically for the dot on his face and then around for the shooter, stomping on the gas as he completely forgot he was driving. Bad move, Donatelli. Bad move.

The shot never came but Donatelli shot through the windshield when the car slammed into the big maple, sedate and glorious in its fall foliage. He should have paid attention to the other red dot, the one that indicated “check airbag”.

     That day, the day Kev killed Donatelli, was an amber and scarlet October Friday. As he shrank back, Kev’s feet crunched the leaves scattered on the sidewalk while horror and disbelief churned inside him. The eyes of the leaving-work crowd were on the shattered wreck accordioned against the towering maple, smoke spiralling from the dead engine. And Donatelli. No one seemed to notice as Kev hastily thrust his hand into the swing-top bin on the corner and released the ‘weapon’. The sun glinted off Donatelli’s sunglasses, the tilt of his head hovering over the hood making it look as though he stared accusingly at his accountant. Although the dripping blood diminished the illusion, the shower of red maple leaves caused by the impact added to the colour.                                                 

     Kev thought of Dina. Would he tell her? Being married to Dina was like holding a helium-filled balloon. She relied on him to keep her grounded. The comparison to a balloon would not sit well with Dina who waged an ongoing war against balloons.

***

This Brave Writer must be new to the craft. Thus, let’s talk big picture first. First “rule” of writing is to limit one point-of-view per scene. Though an omniscient POV is one of the choices, I don’t think Brave Writer was going for that. I believe they intended to use deep 3rd.

This first page is a classic case of trying to fit too much information into the first page to draw readers into the story. Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect. Releasing too much information too quickly only causes confusion. The opening page should hint at the story to come. It should compel the reader to flip the page. By releasing too much information, the reader has no reason to continue. It’s also confusing, because we don’t have the story playing in our minds like the writer does.

This first page told us:

  • Donatelli had a meeting with his accountant, presumably Kev.
  • Donatelli doesn’t like Kev.
  • Donatelli dies in a car accident.
  • Car accident was caused by a red laser dot.
  • The make, model, and color of Donatelli’s car.
  • How Donatelli is dressed, including his sunglasses, which stay in place after he sails through the windshield.
  • Kev killed Donatelli.
  • The day of the week (Friday).
  • The month (October).
  • What the weather was like that day.
  • Kev is Donatelli’s accountant.
  • What Donatelli looked like dead.
  • The eyes of people leaving work on Friday. How do you see workers’ eyes from a distance? Or do you mean their attention turned toward the car wreck?
  • Kev is married to Dina.
  • Dina needs grounding.
  • Dina hates balloons for some reason.
  • Dina wouldn’t like Kev comparing her to balloons.

Whew! That’s a lot of information to squeeze into the opening page of a novel. See why this may confuse readers? It’s too much to absorb all at once. Save at least 80% of that information and sprinkle it in little by little later. Let me show you what I mean.

Here’s your opener again:

Donatelli glanced down as he stuffed his cigarette into the car ashtray with its integrated ember killer. <- No smoker would think about a car lighter in this way. Also, newer vehicles don’t come with lighters or ashtrays these days. It looked like a damn coffee cup. <- Don’t understand this visual. Nobody could tell him not to smoke in his own fuckin’ car, so there, Anna, put that in your pipe and smoke it. <- Like it. You’ve given us a peek at his personality, without telling us. Good job!

     He had just left his accountant’s office, odd duck, an ace with money. “and financial planner for all your needs…” he mimicked in his mind, in a sneering voice. <- The catch phrase adds no value. Also, how does one mimic in their mind? Good at his job, but Kevin was a pussy. <- That works. It shows Donatelli’s disdain for Kev.

     He flicked on the heat and massage feature as he wheeled the black of his Benz S580. When he turned on to Queen Street, from the aging parking garage. His eyes rising (<- nitpick: I envision loose eyeballs) his gaze lowered (not rose) to the windshield, he glimpsed the movement of a red dot criss-crossing his chest. bespoke oxford cloth shirt. <-What he’s wearing is not important. Think: suspense. Short. Punchy. A gazillion things should race through his mind, things like, who wants him dead? Why would someone, anyone, want to kill him? It must be a professional hit, if they’re using a gun with an infrared laser. Who would hire someone to kill him?

Panic engulfed him. (More powerful on its own line.)

as it moved up the subtle stripes, out of eye range, toward the big bald dome of his head. If he had a gun trained on him, he would not think about his outfit or his bald head. He looked down, cross-eyed, searching frantically for the dot on his face  How does he “look down” at his face? “Cross-eyed” also takes us out of his POV. 

In search of the shooter, his gaze flicked from window to window. and then around for the shooter, stomping on the gas as he completely forgot he was driving. No one forgets their driving. They may get distracted, but they don’t forget they’re behind the wheel of a moving vehicle. Bad move, Donatelli. Bad move. Stomped the gas instead of the brake—hit a tree—and shot through the windshield, glass shattering around him.

The shot never came but Donatelli shot through the windshield when the car slammed into the big maple, sedate and glorious in its fall foliage. Why would anyone, mangled and dying, take time to admire a maple tree? If the description is important to the plot, save it for later when the police come to the scene, and include in someone else’s POV. If it’s not important, delete. He should have paid attention to the other red dot, the one that indicated “check airbag”. <- He would never think this as he’s dying. 

These last two paragraphs don’t belong in the same scene as Donatelli’s POV. Save them for a future scene, but tighten the writing like above.

     That day, the day Kev killed Donatelli, was an amber and scarlet October Friday. As he shrank back, Kev’s feet crunched the leaves scattered on the sidewalk while horror and disbelief churned inside him. The eyes of the leaving-work crowd were on the shattered wreck accordioned against the towering maple, smoke spiralling from the dead engine. And Donatelli. No one seemed to notice as Kev hastily thrust his hand into the swing-top bin on the corner and released the ‘weapon’. The sun glinted off Donatelli’s sunglasses, the tilt of his head hovering over the hood making it look as though he stared accusingly at his accountant. Although the dripping blood diminished the illusion, the shower of red maple leaves caused by the impact added to the colour.      

     Kev thought of Dina. Would he tell her? Being married to Dina was like holding a helium-filled balloon. She relied on him to keep her grounded. The comparison to a balloon would not sit well with Dina who waged an ongoing war against balloons.

A few notes:

It’s fine to open a thriller with a murder victim. If you choose to stay in Donatelli’s POV (the victim), you must make us empathize with him. Otherwise, who cares if he dies? If you’d rather us care about Kev, then open with him as the POV character. Actually, I think the last two paragraphs in his POV are stronger.

Who is the protagonist of this story?

Does the story rewind to include Donatelli? Or is he the first victim of many?

Is Kev the antagonist? Or is he an antihero?

You need to establish these roles right away. Don’t make us guess. Hopefully, Kev, Donatelli, or both are main characters (hero/antihero or villain). Are they?

In terms of description, take sight out of the equation. Now, how would you describe a maple tree? How would you describe a car accident? Is the crash loud or silent? Both could be true, depending on whose POV you’re in.

Speaking as someone who shot halfway through a windshield, I can tell you, I heard nothing. It was more of an eerie stillness as my body immediately went into shock. It wasn’t until a Good Samaritan stunned me out of my silent haze that I heard the crunching of glass as I opened my eyes, tearing off one eyebrow, eyelashes, half my nose, eyelid, and upper lip. What I did not do was admire the trees. 😉 In fact, I had so much glass and blood in my eyes, I could barely see.

If you slipped inside Donatelli’s skin, how would you describe panic? Does your hearing muffle? Does your pulse race? Is your mind on high alert? What’s happening inside your body? It’s difficult if you’ve never experienced sheer terror. You need to speak to someone who has, someone willing to share their story. Don’t rely on the movies, which are visual mediums.

Slow down, narrow in on minute details without using sight. That’s how you make us care about Donatelli. Let us into his mind but not surface level. He’ll be dead soon. You must let us all the way inside to his true character, his hopes, his fears, his dreams for the future, how his body reacts, how his mind flusters, how his environment blurs.

If this was my first page, I’d open in Kev’s POV. Show how he uses the laser to cause the accident. Show his delight when the car crashes into the tree (your maple tree visual would make sense then). Show him standing over the body, with a snide smirk and a few choice words of inner dialogue to hint—not reveal—at why he killed Donatelli.

I’ve only opened in a victim’s POV once, but I pulled from life experience. When my gas pedal stuck wide open on a busy main drag littered with traffic lights, it terrified me. In my case, the hell ride was due to a manufacturer’s recall, and I eventually walked away unscathed. In the book, a serial killer hacked the victim’s car and took control. She died. See how easy it is to twist real life into fiction? Something to think about.

Okay, over to you, TKZers. Would you turn this first page? Any advice to add?

What Got You Into This Writing Gig?

Posted on by

I wasn’t one of those kids who wrote stories in the fourth grade that entertained her classmates. I was too busy reading The Black Stallion and Heidi. No, I began my writing journey at the age of 35, and probably wouldn’t have then, except for one thing. This man came to live in my head.

What had happened was…I couldn’t sleep. Night after night I stared at the ceiling, counting sheep. Then one night, a man suddenly appeared in my vision. He stood at a window with smoke billowing in the background. For a minute, he didn’t say anything, then he turned to me and said, “My life wasn’t supposed to turn out like this.”

Fom then on, when I couldn’t sleep, I told myself stories about what happened to derail his life. Well, he went away and these other people came to live in my head, and they wouldn’t leave until I wrote down their stories on a Hermes portable typewriter. I even thought the first story I wrote was good enough to be published and sent it off to Woman’s World Magazine along with an SASE (Self-addressed Stamp Envelope for those of you too young to remember what the acronym stands for).

The writer’s guidelines specified 2500 words for their Mini-mystery, so of course I sent 4,500 words. The editor, Nancy McCarthy, bless her heart, loved the story and cut it to the required 2,500 words. Don’t.Do.That. Ever! Read the guidelines and send what the publisher asks for. I got lucky. By rights, she should have popped those typed words into the SASE and sent it back to me. But she didn’t, and that gave me enough confidence to keep going. Thirty-plus years later in 2014, my first novel was released–I never said writing was for the faint of heart. But next September my 20th book will release.

Okay, that’s my story of how I started writing. What’s yours, TKZers?

Revisited: Fear of Failure

Posted on by

Kay will return on October 5th, so today we revisit her post from last September on one of the greatest fears a writer can have.

Fear of Failure

Posted on by

* * *

Babe Ruth played professional baseball for 22 years (1914-1935) and is considered one of the greatest players who ever lived. He had almost 3,000 hits in his career, averaging more than one hit per game. For many years, he held the record for the number of home runs hit during a single season (60 in 1927). His total number of home runs over his professional career was 714, a record which stood until 1974.

But there’s another statistic you may not have known: Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times. Apparently, he never let the fear of failure keep him from playing the game.

* * *

Fear is part of being human. It goes along with the DNA, and it can be healthy because it instills the instinct for survival we all need. But fears can be unhealthy if we give in to them and become more cautious than we need to be.

Once we let our fears control us, things can get out of hand. A phobia is defined as an irrational fear of something that causes anxiety when a person is exposed to that particular thing.

We all know about fear of heights (acrophobia) and fear of spiders (arachnophobia), but when I searched around for a complete list, I found more than one hundred things on healthline.com to be afraid of! Here are a few I found interesting.

 

Fear of flowers (anthophobia) – Better not go for a walk in my neighborhood.

Fear of numbers (arithmophobia) – I have a friend who insists she “can’t do numbers”

Fear of books (bibliophobia) – Oh no!

 

Fear of failure (atychiphobia) – Ah, now here’s one we can relate to.

* * *

Failure is something we all experience, but I suspect the fear of failure is more acute in disciplines that require creativity than in other areas. The very word “create” implies something new, and that means it may not work.

I’ve read research that shows high achievers are very likely to experience fear of failure. (I imagine some of us here at TKZ fall into this category.) Having achieved success in their professional lives, these folks see anything less than a fabulous accomplishment as inadequacy.

Many high achievers will work hard to avoid that stigma, but others would rather drop out of the race than risk what they perceive as failure.

So how do authors stay in the game and handle that scary thought that they won’t be able to write another book as good as the last one?  There are ways to minimize those concerns. According to an article on betterhealth.vic.gov.au, the same things that enhance creativity can be used to fight the fear of failure.

“There are several ways you can try to fight your fears.… Simple changes, like exercising regularly, can reduce your stress levels. So can eating healthy meals, getting enough sleep, and reducing or avoiding stimulants like caffeine and alcohol.”

And don’t forget the Babe. You can’t hit a home run if you don’t step up to the plate.

 

So TKZers: Do you experience a fear of failure in your writing? How do you fight it?

* * *

The saga continues with Knights in Manhattan,the second novel in the Reen & Joanie Detective Agency middle grade mystery series.

  • Joanie is afraid of flying.
  • Reen is afraid she might not catch the thieves.
  • Mrs. Toussaint isn’t afraid of anything.

Join the fun with the R&J Detective Agency as they track down nefarious crooks in Manhattan. New York will never be the same.

$1.99 on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, Apple Books, and Google Play

Just Who Are You Calling Old?

Posted on by
By Elaine Viets
NOTE: This blog is an oldie but goodie.

What’s old?
That’s easy. Anyone ten years older than me.
Yes, that’s an old line, but we writers need to be careful who we call old.
In 2020, calling someone who is 60 “elderly” can anger your core readers.
It can even make readers laugh – at you.

Some readers snicker at Ellery Queen’s description of the “elderly” Inspector Queen who was “not yet 60.” The dynamic mystery writing duo were young whippersnappers of 29 when they created Inspector Queen.
To be fair, I thought 60 was ancient when I was in my 20s. Now, not so much.

Another longtime mystery reader said, “They Found Him Dead” by Georgette Heyer starts with a sixtieth birthday party for Silas Kane who is described as being “very old. As far as I can see, the book was published in 1937.”

How about Edmund Crispin’s “The Moving Toyshop” where the dead victim is described as “an elderly woman in her late 50s”?
What? That’s outrageous!
Except those books were published decades ago, and “old” in 1930 was a lot different than “old” in 1970 – or 2020.

Think back to your grandparents. In 1970, my beloved grandmother was an old woman at age 60. She had a big black purse (stuffed with photos of her grandchildren), sturdy shoes, crispy gray hair and a flour-sack figure. Granted, Grandma had a much harder life than I did, but people used to age faster than they do now.
The government says we’re old at 62. That’s when Americans can start collecting Social Security benefits – and haul them in for a long time. Social Security.gov says, “About one out of every three 65-year-olds today will live until at least age 90, and one out of seven will live until at least age 95.”
Sixty-five is the retirement age in the US, but many people that age still see themselves as young and vigorous.

So if you’re creating an older character for your novel, here are some things to consider:
Older people do not have equal protection under the law. If you have an older person who’s going to be assaulted, many jurisdictions have extra penalties for bashing seniors. In Massachusetts, a man was “arrested and charged with unarmed robbery, assault and battery on a person over the age of 60, assault and battery by means of a dangerous weapon (shod foot – aggravated) and mayhem.” In other words, he kicked an older person with his shoe. That’s something to consider when you have your bad guy attack an older person.
Seniors are often stereotyped as defenseless. But that ain’t necessarily so. An 88-year-old woman was assaulted and carjacked in a Walmat parking lot. She fought back with her cane and survived. “I’m a tough old broad,” she boasted.
And speaking of tough, how about the 82-year-old “award-winning female bodybuilder who turned the tables — literally — on a home intruder and beat him so badly after he broke into her house that he had to be taken to the hospital.” It’s true, and it happened in Rochester, New York. The bodybuilder broke a table over the creep – and she was just getting started.
Statistically, that Rochester Wonder Woman would be considered old, even by today’s new and improved standards.

So just how old do you want to make a senior character in your novel?
A CBS news story says, “Research from John Shoven, a prominent economics professor at Stanford University, suggests that if your chance of dying within the next year is 1 percent or less, you might be considered ‘middle aged.’”
Shoven has a chart that shows “the threshold for men transitioning beyond middle age increased from about age 44 in the 1920s to about 60 today.”

Oddly, 44 would be true “middle age.” Sixty may be the “new” middle age for men, but there are very few 120-year-olds roaming around.
Shoven says, “And finally, if your chance of dying within the next year is 4 percent or higher, you might be considered ‘very old’ or ‘elderly.’ . . . This threshold for men increased from about 65 in the 1920s to 76 today.” So men are “old” at 76.
“Shoven suggests that reduced mortality rates correlate roughly with improved health and vitality at all ages, and can be used as a proxy measure for aging.”
If you’re a woman, you’re even luckier – and younger. Consider this cheery news, ladies, from Shoven.
“By these measures, women today transition out of middle age around 65, a number that has increased from the late 40s in the 1920s. ‘Old’ for women today is about 73, which increased from the late 50s in the 1920s. And ‘very old’ today is about 80, an increase from about 67 in the 1920s.”
People don’t automatically get ‘old’ at 70. Wikipedia sums it up this way:
“Gerontologists have recognized the very different conditions that people experience as they grow older within the years defined as old age. In developed countries, most people in their 60s and early 70s are still fit, active, and able to care for themselves. However, after 75, they will become increasingly frail, a condition marked by serious mental and physical debilitation.”
That’s why my character Margery, in my Dead-End Job series, stays a perpetual 76. I can’t have her aging naturally, or she’ll be too old to go on adventures with Helen Hawthorne.
Personally, I like the question the sage Satchel Paige may or may not have asked:
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”

***************************************************************************

Cozy lovers! Three of my Josie Marcus, mystery shopper mysteries are on sale throughout September. DYING IN STYLE, MURDER IS A PIECE OF CAKE, and AN UPLIFTING MURDER are $1.99 each this month.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Drinking Literary Poison

Posted on by

By Elaine Viets

Summer comes with many temptations, from scanty clothes to rampant hormones. Moralists believe young women should be protected from them all.  But one summer temptation really riled preachers.

I’m talking about . . . beach books.

They especially upset a sourpuss named Rev. Thomas De Witt Talmage.  The Rev. T fulminated against beach books in 1876, cautioning his congregation, “Do not let the frogs and the lice of a corrupt printing press jump and crawl into your Saratoga trunk or White Mountain valise.” Beach books, the rev said, were “literary poison.”

“I really believe there is more pestiferous trash read among the intelligent classes in July and August than in all the other ten months of the year,” he said.

It would take ten months to plow through Talmage’s own tomes. Want to stretch out by the pool and read The Abomination of Modern Society? How about 500 Select Sermons?

Personally, I think Talmage was a tad jealous of beach books’ popularity.

      The young women of the 19th century sensibly ignored Talmage’s rants, and stuffed their vacation valises with summer reads. They sighed over Marion Harlan’s With the Best Intentions: A Midsummer Episode, set among the Gilded Age’s beautiful people.  And devoured  Laura Jean Libbey’s fiction about poor girls who worked to survive.

       Laura’s titles were real grabbers. A Dangerous Flirtation Or, Did Ida May Sin? And Miss Middleton’s Lover; Or Parted On Their Bridal Tour makes me want to slap on some sunscreen and start reading.

          These novels and other light summer reading are the descendants of today’s beach reads, though the term “beach reads” didn’t show up until the 1990s. Most of this information comes from Smithsonian Magazine.

          Beach reads were easy to pack and  hold. They were also a marketing scheme. July and August are traditionally the time when book sales drop. So clever publishers came up with books specially designed for vacations. The books were often set at resorts, and gave young middle class women tips on fashion and manners, in case they met a handsome young millionaire. In the beach books, these encounters usually ended in marriage.

          Exactly what is a beach book?

Blogger Victoria Wood has a good definition. She quotes the Macmillan Dictionary, which says a beach read is “a book you can take on holiday, which is good enough to keep you engaged but not so serious it will spoil your holiday.”

“I think that’s a good starting point,” she said, “but I’d add this: the best beach reads are immersive, entertaining, and just plain fun—whether or not you ever set foot on sand.”

Traces of the prune-faced Rev. T prevail. Many beach books are written –  and read – by women. Some are romances, others are thrillers or mysteries, and they can be scorned as frivolous. “Beach book” is sometimes used as an insult.

But beach books are a rite of summer. About Memorial Day, publications from the  New York Times to Booklist magazine trot out their beach reads, many with bright covers and snappy dialogue.

 Emily Henry boldly calls her beach romance Beach Read. It’s about a romance writer who no longer believes in love, and a literary writer stuck in a rut.

Kristin Hannah, who wrote The Women, about nurses who served in Vietnam, has the much lighter Summer Island.

The Housemaid by Freida McFadden, spanned the summer season in 2022, with the hardcover released in April and the paperback in August.

And, if there’s room for me on this golden beach, I have two beach books: Sex and Death on the Beach (2025) and Beach Blonde Betrayal (2026).

 Both were released in July.

And my readers are extremely intelligent. Take that, Reverend Talmage.

What are your favorite beach reads, TKZers?

********************************************************************

My books are available at  most booksellers, including Amazon, Thriftbooks.com, and Left Bank Books in my hometown of St. Louis. Beach Blonde Betrayal (Florida Beach Mystery #2) | Left Bank Books

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Four Lessons Learned When My Pants Fell Down

Posted on by

by Debbie Burke

 

After college, I swore off writing outlines. No more nonsense with Roman numeral I, capital A, Arabic numeral 2, lower-case b, etc.

For years, I’ve been a proud, unapologetic pantser. My system is flawed and not terribly efficient, but it’s worked for nine books.

Well, I must confess, on my novel in process, my pants fell down.

Proof of Life (working title) is the 10th book in the Tawny Lindholm Thriller series. I know the characters well but not so well that they can’t still surprise me when they get into trouble.

The leads are investigator Tawny Lindholm and defense attorney Tillman Rosenbaum, a recently married couple in their 50s who work together in Montana. Both have adult children from previous marriages.

The inciting incident: Arielle, Tillman’s 22-year-old daughter, has been living in Israel for two years researching family history. She unexpectedly arrives back home in Montana, bedraggled and exhausted with a newborn baby girl. She’s clearly been on the run but refuses to answer questions. Even Tawny, whose superpower is to convince anyone to spill their secrets, can’t persuade Arielle to open up.

Because my books are thrillers, I also write scenes from the villain’s point of view. He’s a high-ranking Israeli cop who’s married, but not to Arielle. The baby is his, and he wants her back. His investigative methods are brutal but effective. If he finds Arielle, she’s in dire peril.

When starting a new book, generally I begin with Jim Bell’s minimal signposts then take E.L Doctorow’s route:

“Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.”

Even before I started writing, I worried that the research needed about international laws was too complicated. But I pushed forward with the story, figuring I could fill in the blanks on rewrite.

Tawny and Tillman suspect Arielle has broken laws. They want to help her but she’s holding back critical information. They don’t yet know about the villain who’s hunting her.

Pretty soon, for the plot to make sense, I had to dig into the Hague Convention treaty regarding international child abduction. Who has jurisdiction? Who takes the lead during an arrest? FBI, State Department, Israeli consulate?

Laws on the books rarely translate into how they’re applied in real life (or realistic fiction). How could I find insights into actual practices? How are suspects treated? Do they go to jail pending hearings? What happens to the abducted child? Who takes care of her until custody is determined?.

For almost 200 pages, I wrote scenes out of chronological order as ideas occurred to me. The draft was full of notes saying, “needs further explanation”, “do more research”, “maybe cut?”, and “move this section?”.

No surprise that I started getting confused.

The excerpts I submitted to my critique group were discrete, self-contained scenes that they generally liked. But over several months, one member kept raising valid questions. I gave excuses  but couldn’t come up with definitive answers.

More confusion.

In the past, I’ve used calendars to keep track of story timelines. That was especially important for Dead Man’s Bluff which was set against the backdrop of an actual hurricane. The calendar matched real day by day events like flooding, when roads were reopened, the staggered restoration of power over five days, etc. since those events impacted the plot.

Using a calendar also charts the cause and effect of each scene in relation to those before and after it. For this current manuscript, I didn’t use a calendar.

Bad choice.

Inside my head, arguments raged.

Wait a second, for the timeline to make sense, that scene can’t happen until much later. Oh no, that revelation is too soon because Tawny doesn’t know about XYZ yet. Oops, that confrontation between Tillman and the officials needs more build up. Should there even be a confrontation?  

When I tried to cobble scenes together, they resembled Franken-novel.

photo credit: Andrew Fare

Pretty soon, I was in deeper trouble than poor Arielle.

For several weeks, I let my normally trusty subconscious work on the problems. But this time, even she was stumped.

So much for pantsing.

I admitted defeat and placed a 9-1-1 call to my brilliant brainstorming buddy Phyllis Quatman. She’s an attorney, author, and fantastic sounding board. Sitting at her dining table, we tore the plot apart.

Finally, Phyllis said, “Deb, you’re making this much too complicated. Why don’t you simply…” and she distilled the story down to its most basic elements. Get rid of this. Move that. Don’t go off on this tangent. Give the villain-cop a secret past that prevents him from using his official channels to find Arielle and the baby. Force him to go to ground and stay under the radar as she had to do.

Turns out my subconscious had already planted a breadcrumb about the villain’s secret past. That past simply needed to grow bigger and more sinister.

Three hours later, with brain buzzing and full of gratitude for Phyllis’s help, I drove home and started writing an outline.

Gasp! Me? The confirmed, unrepentant pantser?

This outline contains no Roman numerals, no capital and lower-case letters. It’s not scene by scene, chapter by chapter. Maybe it’s not even technically an outline.

However, it contains the complicated backstory of the events leading up to Arielle’s surprise arrival in Montana with the baby. Arielle’s secrets. Other characters’ secrets.

Most important are the villain’s secrets—there are humiliations and past crimes he never wants to come to light. Those are his motivations. What is his deep desire? He genuinely loves the baby and wants her back. What must he do to accomplish that goal? Find and kill Arielle.

Backstory isn’t simply backstory. It causes the present story.

One by one, secrets will be revealed. Each changes the course of the plot and builds toward the climax.

I pounded a signpost in the ground for the climactic showdown. Not many details yet but it’s a destination to head toward.

The outline clocked in at 1300 words.

Can any scenes from the original 200 pages be salvaged? Some, yes. Others may undergo severe rewriting.

Others go in the trash. Actually, it’s more like putting them in purgatory. When I cut scenes, I store them at the end of the Word doc as “outtakes” in case there are a few useable sentences or paragraphs. In practice, though, when manuscripts have been finalized, those scenes were not needed.

I’d already successfully pantsed my way through nine previous novels. I thought the same method would work for the tenth. It didn’t.

I had to change, adapt, and rethink the process.

Did I waste months drafting a story that couldn’t work? Would I have been more efficient and productive if I’d planned the plot in advance instead of pantsing it? Probably.

Will my quasi-outline solve the problem? I don’t know yet.

A whole lot of new scenes have to be written. This time around, I’ll write in chronological order with a calendar.

Lessons learned:

  1. Just because a method worked in the past, it may not work now.

  2. Doctorow’s headlights didn’t show the cliff soon enough to avoid this story dropping over it.

  3. Listen to warning bells from my critique group.

  4. Get over my childish prejudice against outlines.

One lesson I learned long ago was to ask for help from a good friend who’s objective, rational, and logical. Phyllis came through in a big way, as she’s done many times in the past. I’m filled with gratitude and appreciation for her.

Will I remain a pantser? Probably, but I’m no longer as confirmed and unrepentant. Maybe now my pants will stay up.

~~~

TKZers: Are you a plotter, pantser, or a combination of both (plantser)? Have you run into trouble with your system? How did you solve the problem? Or are you still working on it?

 

Cover by Brian Hoffman

 

Please check out Dead Man’s Bluff to see how using a calendar helped fiction mesh with real-life events.

Revisited: Running and Writing and Competition

Posted on by

Kay will return next month, so for today, we’re revisiting an insightful post by her from three years ago, dealing with an issue so many of us face.

Running and Writing and Competition

Posted on by

 

If you want to compete with somebody, run a race.

If you want to change the world, write a book.

* * *

Last week PJ Parrish wrote a TKZ post on Performance Anxiety. I’d like to follow up with a corollary on competition.

Competition is good, right? It gives us a chance to test our mettle against others and see how we stack up. Whatever field we’re in, competition is an opportunity to identify weaknesses in our performance and make a plan to improve. It may even lift us into that rarified atmosphere of winning the prize and basking in the glory.

When thinking about competition, sports always comes to mind. Personally, I believe foot races, specifically the 400-meter races, are the epitome of competition.

The 400-meter race is the longest track event run completely in lanes, so there’s no pushing or shoving. Each competitor runs her own race in her own lane. It’s once around the track, and the winner is easy to identify. She’s not necessarily the person with the best form or the coolest sports gear or even the newest model of Nikes. The winner is the person who crosses the finish line first.

This is obviously an objective decision. The other runners can’t say, “I’m a better runner than she is. I should get the gold medal.” Or “She won just because her coach is famous.” A runner wins a race because she is the fastest competitor in that particular race, and there’s camaraderie and respect among runners no matter where they place.

* * * 

On the other hand, competition can have a dark side. I’ve read recently that writers are a competitive bunch. That’s not surprising, seeing that we’re publishing books that are in competition with millions of other works, and the desire to excel in the field is strong. Writers want to know how they’re doing in the big publishing picture, so we compare ourselves with others, and sometimes it doesn’t go so well.

You’re toiling away to market your self-published masterpiece, which has seen slow sales and mediocre reviews, when you get word your good friend just secured a lucrative publishing contract for his first book. And then another friend posts to every social media site in the world about the big award she just won. That was the contest you entered and didn’t even make the finals! All of a sudden, feelings of competition turn to jealousy and envy.

But you’re a nice person, right? These writers are your friends, and you think you shouldn’t have these feelings. Well, don’t feel bad. Most authors have experienced some form of writer’s envy in their careers.

So what do we do about it? I like the way Erin Fulmer put it in her 2020 article on  professional jealousy 

Publishing isn’t a race.

Even if it were, the person who makes it to the next goalpost first is not necessarily going to make it to the one after that in record time.

But this isn’t a competition. There’s no deadline. Sure, the inevitable heat death of the universe is coming someday but until then, it’s anybody’s game.

And it’s not a zero-sum game. Yes, there is competition in publishing—I don’t want to sugar-coat that—but your friend getting a book deal or agent doesn’t meaningfully reduce your chances of the same, unless you are writing something extremely similar and submitting to the same editor/agent. Even then, it’s just as likely that their success will cause your work to be more in demand. A rising tide often does lift all boats.

If you are seeking a writing career, that journey only ends when you stop writing. There’s no finish line, no lifetime wish achievement that means you won like a good little Sim. There’s just the next book.

* * *

So, there you have it. Publishing is not a fair race. It can’t be since the judges (readers, agents, publishers) assess a writer’s work through the filter of their own backgrounds, tastes, and opinions. For example, I have a friend, a well-known writer, who entered her work in a writing contest some years ago. It was the kind of contest where several judges score the work and the entrant receives the results. Two of the judges scored her work in the 90’s and the third one rated her in the 50’s!

So maybe we need to adjust our perspective. As authors, we’re here to enhance the human experience through the written word, and we each do it in our own way. We’re a community, not combatants. We get to choose the lane we run in and how we want to run the race.

Envy tells us that success is more important than the journey. But if we truly love what we’re doing, we’ll seek success while finding the real joy in the writing. And with each circuit of the track, study and hard work will make us better. And in the long run, maybe that’s where the gold in the gold medal lies.

* * *

We’re fortunate that here at TKZ we have a community of contributors and commenters who go out of their way to offer suggestions and support for each other. A writing community at its best.

 

So TKZers: Do you feel that you’re in competition with other authors? Have you ever dealt with feelings of envy or jealousy of other writers? How do you handle them? What advice would you give to prospective authors, especially young ones, who may be feeling the same emotions?

The Imposter Nurse

Posted on by

By Elaine Viets

Florida is the land of scams. Some are cruel and some are bold, like the scammers who made fake phone calls that seemed to be from the Lee County Sheriff’s Office. The crooks told people they had outstanding warrants or subpoenas and were facing criminal charges. To avoid arrest, the victims had to buy gift cards and read the gift card numbers to the scammers.

But one scam makes me sick.

The imposter nurse.

These are people pretending to be nurses. Like the Florida scammer who helped treat more than 4,400 patients. This fake nurse gave the hospital a license number, which matched a registered nurse with the same first name but a different last name. The scam nurse claimed she’d recently married and promised to give the hospital a copy of her marriage license. She slid by with that excuse until she was offered a promotion. The hospital did more checking and found out the woman didn’t have a valid license – for marriage or nursing. The sham nurse was fired, and then arrested. She faces a slew of felony charges.

I couldn’t resist using an imposter nurse in Beach Blonde Betrayal, my new Florida Beach mystery. In this novel, a fake nurse’s bumbling kills an innocent man.

         Beach Blonde Betrayal starts with a heroic rescue. A park employee saves the cat of a rich South Florida woman. The stubborn feline nearly became gator food until the man, armed only with a flimsy litter pick up tool, saves the cat from the jaws of an alligator. The daring rescue was witnessed by Norah McCarthy, the Florida woman who own the Florodora apartments, built in 1923 by her grandmother, a former showgirl.

The Florodora is a four-story white stucco creation with a red barrel-tile roof, built in the Spanish Colonial style that suits the subtropical climate.  Norah’s grandmother sang and danced in the 1920 Broadway musical, Florodora. Grandma met Johnny Harriman, and at 16 she eloped with the millionaire. She loved Johnny until the day he died.

Which was a year later.

Handsome, happy-go-lucky Johnny died in an accident involving a champagne bottle and a chandelier, leaving Norah’s Grandma a rich widow. She moved to Peerless Point and built the Florodora on a narrow strip of land between the ocean and the Intracoastal Waterway.

Grandma’s career as a showgirl was considered shocking, even though her costume was stunningly modest. She wore a ruffled Edwardian walking costume with long gloves, a picture hat, and a parasol. Never mind that the only bare skin was her face. She was on the stage, and that was so wicked her parents disowned her.

Grandma was scandalous enough to be an early Florida Woman. She rented to benign versions of the breed, and Norah honored that tradition.

The book also has plenty of Florida Men and Women. You’ve seen the headlines:

“Florida Man Broke into Random House, Ran Bath, Cooked Dinner to Avoid Going Home to Angry Wife.” He was a wimp compared to the Florida Woman who shoplifted “Seven Lobsters Down Her Pants.”

And here’s my personal favorite:  “Naked Florida Man Tries to Force His Way Into Home Thru Doggie Door.”

Then there was the Florida Man who claimed people were “eating his brains.” He hijacked an SUV and tore across a golf course, fishtailing on the fairway, plowing tire tracks into the sod, and jumping bunkers, spraying sand everywhere.

The chase ended in the most Florida way possible. The man was captured after he slammed his stolen vehicle into a nursing home. No one was hurt, though the golf course’s turf was badly torn up.

The Florodora residents are all a little, well, different. They include an artist, a glamorous ex-model who grows weed, a Shakespearian actor, a writer and an ex-cop in witness protection. One Florodora  resident finds a young woman strangled on the beach. She is the first of several victims, and life comes to a standstill in the beach town of Peerless Point. Worse, one of the Florodora residents is accused of murder. Norah is sure he’s innocent, and sets out to save him.

But back to those imposter nurses. That’s just Florida, right? They have nothing to do with the saner parts of the country.

Except many imposter nurses have sham sheepskins, issued in South Florida.

Turns out the feds shut down three bogus South Florida nursing schools that were selling diplomas and transcripts. The schools issued more than 7,600 fake nursing diplomas.

Seven thousand six hundred nurses around the country with fake credentials.

Nurses installing IV lines, dispensing medication, and changing dressings.

Think about it.

Or maybe not.

 

Beach Blonde Betrayal debuted Tuesday. Buy your copy here:

https://tinyurl.com/3pk7w3tw

 

Eyes Reveal Our Age at Death

Posted on by
Forensic science is always evolving to better aid in the apprehension of criminals. What if a killer leaves his victim with no fingertips, DNA, or teeth? One way to determine the age of a victim is by examining their eyes.

Sounds bizarre, doesn’t it? The soulless eyes of a murder victim allow investigators to determine their age at the time of death. This process is called Radiocarbon Dating.

Radiocarbon Dating

You’re probably familiar with how to tell the age of a tree by examining a split piece and counting the number of rings. Same basic idea when examining a victim’s eyes.

How is this possible?

Each of us, whether we realize it or not, have been exposed to naturally occurring levels of radiation. Most prominent in the 1960’s and 70’s, particles of radiation released into the atmosphere while testing nuclear weapons. Over the years — decades — these particles have fallen to trace proportions. However, there still remains naturally occurring levels of carbon in the air. Different forms of carbon are ingested every day, introducing trace elements into our system. Many carbon compounds are crucial to our way of life. Others are toxic (like cyanide, a carbon-nitrogen bond).

Radioactive particles and naturally occurring carbon settle in the crystallins of the eyes, and Radiocarbon Dating is the process of detecting this manifestation.

What are Crystallins?

Crystallins are microscopic proteins that bind together and collect on the lens of the eye. According to Explore Forensics (one of my favorite sites), crystallins got their name because of how they react under a microscope – like crystals, allowing light to pass through. From the time of conception (conception! Let that sink in…) until age two, these crystallins form in and around the lens of the eyes. At which point the formation stops. When this happens, trace elements of carbon permanently fuse in between the crystallins.

So, when an investigator – usually a scientist or pathologist – conducts a Radiocarbon Dating examination, they’re looking at levels of the carbon fused with the crystallins. To calculate age, they subtract the current levels of radioactive carbon in the eye from the naturally occurring levels of carbon in the atmosphere today. By comparing the levels of radiocarbon in the crystallins to the atmospheric levels they can determine the precise year of a victim’s birth.

Cool, right?

Determining the Sex of a Skeleton

There are many differences between the two sexes, and the variation runs as deep as our bones. This is especially important for corpses in advance stages of decomposition. All that might remain is the skeleton, perhaps teeth, and possibly some hair. Even if the pathologist has teeth and hair to work with, that doesn’t mean enough material remains to ID the victim’s sex

This is where the skeleton offers more information. The only exception would be that of a pre-adolescent, where sexual dimorphism is slight, making the task much more difficult.

The most common way to determine a skeleton’s sex is by bone size. Not the most accurate, but it’s a starting point. For the most part, male bones are larger than female bones because of the additional muscle that increases on the male through adolescence and into adulthood.

Another good inclination of sex is the pelvic area.

The sub-pubic angle (or pubic angle) is the angle formed at pubic arch by the convergence of the inferior rami of the ischium (loop bone at the base) and pubis (top of loop) on either side. Generally, the sub-pubic angle of 50-60 degrees indicates a male, whereas an angle of 70-90 degrees indicates a female. Women have wider hips to allow for childbirth.

Female sub-pubic angle
Female sub-pubic angle
Subpubic_angle,_male
Male sub-pubic angle

There are also distinctive differences between the pubic arches in males and females. A woman’s pubic arch is wider than a male’s as is the pelvic inlet, to allow a baby’s head to pass through.

The pubic arch is also referred to as the ischiopubic arch.
Incidentally, this difference is noticed in all species, not only humans. Same with Radiocarbon Dating.

The area around the pelvic inlet (middle of the pelvic bone) is larger in females than in males. A female skeleton who has given birth naturally will be identifiable because this space widens during childbirth. Even though it contracts afterward, it never fully returns to its original size. In the picture above notice the heart-shaped space.

Other Body Clues

The acetabulum — the socket where the femur (thigh bone) meets the pelvis — is larger in males. Also, the head and skull have several characteristics indicative of one sex or the other.

  • In males, the chin is squarer. Females tend to have a slightly more pointed chin.
  • The forehead of males slant backward, where females have a slightly more rounded forehead.
  • Males tend to have brow ridges. Females do not.

These differences and more tell the pathologist the sex of the deceased.

What Do Forensics and Skeletal Differences Have To Do With Writing?

Everything! Use the differences between male and female skeletons to add realism to fiction. Let’s say, a body is discovered in the blistering heat of the summer. The victim hasn’t been found for months, leaving only the skeleton. By showing the pathologist or Medical Examiner measuring the pelvic inlet, arches, and angles, we’ve essentially ensured our reader isn’t going anywhere.

Same holds true for the lab conducting a Radiocarbon Dating Test on the eyes of a murder victim. Adding forensic details is a lot of fun, too, for the writer and the reader. The trick is to disguise the research in a compelling storyline rather than dumping the information all at once.

Why is the hanging skeleton in doctors’ exam rooms always named Fred? Half the time they’re female. If they make me wait too long, I’m more apt to bring it to their attention. “Fred might need a new name, considering that’s a female skeleton.” And this always surprises them! They’re also less likely to leave me unattended for long in the future. 😉

Squirrels, Rabbit Holes, and Other Writing Obstacles

Posted on by

Squirrels, Rabbit Holes, and Other Writing Obstacles
Terry Odell

squirrel on a bare pine branch against a blue skybrown rabbit in green grassThere are always interruptions to the writing process, even when you’re diligently writing.

In my never-ending challenge of naming characters, unless “Mr.” is an acceptable first name, I’ve managed to go over 55K without mentioning my protagonist’s boss’s first name. Now, the story demands he have one. In perusing my character naming spreadsheet, I look for initials that haven’t been used, or have been used only for secondary or tertiary characters. “G” seems to be a reasonable choice. Glenn, perhaps.

Does it matter that in another book, a character has this name? The current wip is a stand alone (so far), so it’s unlikely there would be confusion. In fact, the character who already has this name goes by a nickname almost all the time.

I could use an alternate spelling on the rare chance someone who’s read the other book even remembers that character’s first name. Or spend more time looking for other “G” names.

Normally, rather than spend time going down rabbit holes or chasing squirrels, I’ll simple use my standby placeholder, [name].

Okay, that’s tabled for later. Back to the “real” writing.

Something I learned at a RWA chapter workshop came from an author who was talking about kinds of scenes. They should carry over to any genre, not only romance.

  • Prologue – not required. In fact, unless there’s a huge time gap between this and the opening, it should probably be Chapter One. There’s also a difference of opinion as to whether agents want to see prologues when you’re submitting.
  • Opening – should draw the reader in.
  • Set-up — foreshadows something to come
  • Validation – shows the character at work
  • Conflict
  • Push – moves characters apart
  • Pull – moves characters closer together
  • Reaction – also referred to as “sequel” (or shower scene, where the character would reflect on what just happened). These can slow the pace, so they’re falling out of favor. If you need one, make sure it’s important, and don’t linger too long.
  • Flashback – use sparingly – they’re often found in reaction scenes
  • Flash forward—rarely used in romance; author intrusion. Tends to be omniscient POV, which can intrude as well.
  • Reversal/Black moment – everything goes wrong
  • Climax – characters must make choices
  • Conclusions – wrap up those dangling threads

I’ve been dealing with “validation” scenes. If your characters have a profession, eventually you’re going to have to show them at work. My female protagonist—Evvie—is a photographer. I’m far from a professional, but I can fake my way through scenes of her at work, and if I have questions, my son is a professional photographer, and (since I’m the Mom), he feels obligated to answer me. Most of this is handled via email or phone calls, so I don’t have to deal with the eye rolls.

Evvie’s male counterpart—Colton—is an insurance claims adjuster. Don’t ask me where I came up with that one, other than it seemed to have potential for conflict, but at this point, I’m stuck with it. I can’t fake my way through his validation scenes, so it’s research time.

I’ve found that using an AI helper can speed up the research process by summarizing things that would require going to numerous websites and separating the wheat from the chaff. Of course, you can’t take everything your helper says for granted, so there’s some checking to make sure it hasn’t made stuff up. I had a vague idea of what conflict I could throw Colton’s way, but had to validate what would happen.

You need details to bring characters to life. They didn’t spring into being on page one. Then, because Only Trouble is Interesting, snips of tension have to show up. Evvie calls Colton “Colt” and she knows he doesn’t like it, so using the nickname says something about their relationship at that point in the story, which is in Chapter 2.

In Chapter 17, Evvie asks Colton about his past. He says he grew up in on a ranch in Wyoming where they raise cattle but also have horses, and now it clicks that he doesn’t like being called Colt because it reminds him of his childhood. Did I know that in Chapter 2? Nope. But it made sense in Chapter 17.

Then, in Chapter 31, circumstances have him returning to the ranch, and he invites Evvie to come with him. I’d already set the book in Colorado, an area I’m familiar with. I’ve never been to Wyoming. A placeholder saying [research ranching in Wyoming] wasn’t going to cut it. This was more—a lot more—than waiting to decide on a character’s name.

First research tip: Whenever possible, narrow the search. Instead of asking about cattle ranching in Wyoming, I asked what would be happening during the timeframe of the story. I’d arbitrarily set the time of year to mid-April when the book started, but when I asked what was happening on a Wyoming cattle ranch in April, I was “informed” it would be the tail end of calving season. I also learned that calving season was a very busy and high-pressure time in the ranching business. Perfect for adding trouble. Coming in at the tail end would make things too easy—so after checking to how many April references I’d included in the book—only one—I shifted the date to March. Easy-peasy. But the weather’s different, so I need to watch what my characters have been wearing.

While I wasn’t going to stick with my character round the clock, I still needed to know what the ranchers would be doing during calving so I could include that validation scene, showing my character at work. More squirrels and rabbit holes.

One question led to another, and I ended up with pages of information. I had the perfect opportunity to get this information on the page because Colton had been away from the ranch for a number of years, and things would have changed. But should it be there? If so, how much?

Iceberg showing how much is above and below the waterThat’s always a problem with research. You pick up fascinating tidbits like the Sandhills Calving System and include it in a family discussion. But will it move the story forward enough to justify those 135 words? Nope. It’s in my “snips” file in case it turns out to be needed, but research should follow the iceberg rule. Most of it’s under water, and shouldn’t show on the page.

These are some of the topics I’ve researched so far for this book.

  • Broken ribs
  • Punctured lungs
  • ICU
  • Website Contact Form tracing
  • Email tracking
  • Deep fakes
  • Insurance procedures
  • Insurance fraud
  • Ranching (with lots of rabbit holes to get lost in)
  • Slow detonation for explosives
  • Children testifying in court

Somewhere along the line, I have to crawl out of the rabbit warren and get back to writing. Our dog brought me a squirrel the other day, something she hasn’t bothered with in years, so maybe she thinks she’s being helpful.

So, TKZers. What’s your approach to research? How do you avoid spending too much time with those squirrels and rabbit holes?

Find me at Substack with Writings and Wanderings

Deadly Ambitions
Peace in Mapleton doesn’t last. Police Chief Gordon Hepler is already juggling a bitter ex-mayoral candidate who refuses to accept election results and a new council member determined to cut police department’s funding.
Meanwhile, Angie’s long-delayed diner remodel uncovers an old journal, sparking her curiosity about the girl who wrote it. But as she digs for answers, is she uncovering more than she bargained for?
Now, Gordon must untangle political maneuvering, personal grudges, and hidden agendas before danger closes in on the people he loves most.
Deadly Ambitions delivers small-town intrigue, political tension, and page-turning suspense rooted in both history and today’s ambitions.

Terry Odell is an award-winning author of Mystery and Romantic Suspense, although she prefers to think of them all as “Mysteries with Relationships.”