A Whimper And A Warning

By PJ Parrish

Mixed Breed Dog (Schnauzer-mix) raising bandaged paw with medical strips on its body

Good morning, crime dogs. I won’t be posting today. In fact, I am not typing this. I’m dictating. My husband is typing. Actually, he’s taking a break from yammering at me because I fell off my bike two days ago and sprained my wrist. He thinks an old fart like me shouldn’t be riding a bike, but shoot, you can’t curl up and die, right?

Anyway, I can’t type right now. And pickleball is out for a while cuz it’s my shooting paw. (leftie here). I feel a little foolish, because, get this — I wasn’t even moving at the time I fell. I had just pulled up to my favorite little watering hole here in town, Traverse City Whiskey Company. I go there to do my crosswords and partake of their cherry whiskey sours. I was dismounting the bike. I caught my foot on the crossbar (No, it’s not a boy-bike but I am very short and was careless). Down I went. At least it didn’t happen AFTER I had the whiskey sour — would have never heard the end of that one from the husband.

Whimper, whimper.

Here’s the warning. Live your life and if that means riding a bike at age 73, go for it. But don’t be stupid. Take your time. Watch what you’re doing. Wear a helmet. And here’s the big thing — if you fall, don’t stick out your arms to brace yourself.

What does this have to do with writing? Well, I can give you a tortured metaphor about trying to do more than you should if you’re getting long in the tooth. Like, don’t even think about starting a novel after age 60. Or don’t try to write something completely new after you’ve been doing one genre forever. Or don’t think you can’t try something challenging when the folks around you are telling you it’s too late.

Yeah, you might fall on your ass. So what? Get up and try again. By the way, the doctor told me that’s what I should have done — fall on my ass.

So mount up. Keep pedaling, keep moving forward, and feel that wind in your hair. If you have any left.

Peace out, guys. I will be back in two weeks.

1-Star Reviews: The Ugly Truth

When a writer pours their heart and soul into a book, the last thing they expect is a 1-star review. Negative feedback can significantly impact book sales, especially these days where many readers rely on reviews to decide what to read next.

It’s disheartening to accept months of hard work, dedication, and passion dismissed in a few harsh words. Authors may experience a range of emotions, from disappointment to anger, but most don’t lash out at the reviewer.

My original plan for this article began with one severe case of an author physically attacking a reviewer over a 1-star review of his unedited debut. I’m now sickened by the number of authors who engage in this type of behavior, including one who called the reviewer a b*tch in a BookTok video for a 4-star review of her upcoming novel (ARC copy). Shortly thereafter, the publisher dumped her. But thanks to all the viral videos about the controversy, her book has allegedly been optioned for film. If it pans out, I’ll share the title. Otherwise, no. For all I know, the author lied about the option to gain exposure.

Who complains about a 4-star review?

Anyway, the original case that prompted this topic revolves around a 28-year-old writer named Richard Brittain.

In 2014, Brittain self-published his unedited debut novella. Like every new author, I’m sure he expected the entire world would love his “epic fairytale romance.” When an 18-year-old student named Paige Rolland read his work, she was less than impressed.

Not only was the book riddled with “spelling and grammatical errors,” “endless ramblings,” and the “plot [was] rather nonsensical,” according to other reviewers, but…

“There’s a very unpleasant subtext to the novel that only comes through if you’ve read the author’s blog post about stalking a woman until she called the police in terror. It’s creepily clear that the princess/protagonist stands for either the woman he stalked or women in general, and that her loyal dog likewise represents him or ‘nice-guy’ stalkers.”

Seething with anger over Paige’s 1-star review of his book, Brittain looked her up on Facebook. Paige’s profile included her hometown and her place of employment (How much personal information do you share?). Brittain embarked on the 400-mile journey to Scotland to track down the teenager.

On October 3, 2014, Brittain proceeded to the supermarket where Paige was working that day. Intent on revenge, he grabbed a bottle of wine from the alcohol section and stalked into the cereal aisle, where Paige was restocking the lower shelves. Enraged, he slammed her over the head with the bottle. The petite teenager suffered a horrific head injury—a gaping wound to her skull.

Emergency services responded to rush her to the hospital. By then, Brittain had fled the scene. It didn’t take long for police to track him down in London. A search of his home revealed travel documents and evidence of his obsession with finding the girl who dared to criticize his work. Charged with assault, Brittain received a 30-month jail sentence.

How AI Thinks We Should Handle Negative Reviews (my comments are in blue)

  • Respond to every review: Responding to all reviews, both positive and negative, shows you care about your customers and are willing to apologize when necessary. (What? Not even close to correct. NEVER respond to negative reviews. Curse, cry, or scream, but do not interact with the reviewer.)
  • Apologize: Apologize when responding to a negative review, even if the customer’s tone was hostile. (Huh? Reviews are one reader’s opinion. Not everyone will like our work, and that’s okay. Grow a thick skin and move on with your life.)
  • Ask for an updated review: If you’ve responded to the customer’s review and solved the problem, you can ask for an updated review. (This sounds more like a shipping issue on a random product than a book review. NEVER ask for an updated review.)
  • Contact the reviewer and request the review be removed: It’s always worth the effort to contact the person who left the review. They can remove the review by logging back into the site and deleting it. (This might be the worst advice of all. NEVER contact the reader and ask them to delete the review. Ever.)
  • Thank the reviewer: Show gratitude for their time and show that you value their feedback. (I know authors who do this. They’re polite and grateful. Still, I never respond to reviews, good or bad. Reviews aren’t for authors. They’re for other readers.)
  • Never get personal: Don’t get personal and certainly don’t ever attack or retaliate. (Finally, a logical point I agree with!)

Well, TKZers, how do you deal with negative reviews?

Do the AI suggestions surprise you? Unfortunately, new writers may believe the advice.

Do you think Richard Brittain should have gotten more jail time?

Torn Between Two Projects

by James Scott Bell
@jamesscottbell

There was a hit song back in the 70s called “Torn Between Two Lovers” (not to be confused with the Hannibal Lecter hit, “Torn Between Two Livers”).

In the song, a woman is telling her first love that he’s great, and everything she’s told him about her feelings is true. But there’s this other guy she’s met who fills an “empty place” inside her. Now, she says, I don’t love you any less, and I don’t want you to leave me just because I’m torn between the two of you. I’m feelin’ like a fool because that’s breakin’ all the rules, but still I want you around…

I always thought that first guy should have written a song in response, with the simple refrain: Buh Bye.

But I digress.

What I really want to talk about is being torn between two projects. It’s happened to me a few times in my thirty years at this gig.

Before I was published, I wrote a wild novel that was a complete joy. I had fun every day creating a pastiche of comedy and commentary. I fancied it a cross between Tom Robbins and Douglas Adams.

It was original! Surely a publisher would want original. Because that’s what they’d say. “We are looking for an original voice…”

That was only partially true. I quickly found out the second part: “…but not too original.”

In other words, they wanted a fresh voice for an existing market.

Perfectly legit, as the book business is, gasp, a business.

So when my original work of surpassing genius was rejected faster than a Snoopy story (remember the Snoopy-as-writer strips from Peanuts? He once got a letter: “To save time we are enclosing two rejection slips, one for this story and one for the  next story you send us.”)

Thus, it occurred to me that maybe I should spend a little time considering “the market” before deciding what to write.

Around this time, a good friend (and published author) said to me, “You’re a lawyer. Why aren’t you writing legal thrillers?”

Duh!

So I wrote a legal thriller and got a contract.

But then there were a few times when I had two ideas for a next book to fulfill a contract. Which one should I spend six months on?

So I made up a self-test. In a fit of modesty, I named it “Bell’s Pyramid.”

The base of the pyramid, PASSION, is the foundation, the most crucial factor. I came up with a list of questions and assigned a score, from 1-10, for each.

  1. How excited are you about the concept as it stands now?
  2. How invested are you in the main character?
  3. Does the main character have potential to deepen?
  4. Is there a theme involved for you?
  5. As a prediction, how excited do you think you’ll be about the book two months from now?

For POTENTIAL:

  1. How marketable is the plot?
  2. How are the stakes life or death (physical, professional, or psychological)?
  3. How likely is it that you can raise the stakes?

For PRECISION I would write a logline for each project. A logline is Hollywood-speak for a sentence that captures both the essence and market potential of a script. For example:

A great white shark hunts for food in the waters of a New England town at the height of tourist season.

Teenager Marty takes a time-traveling DeLorean into the past, where his young mother gets the hots for him, and where he must get his father to win her again before Marty ceases to exist. 

Then I’d assign a score, 1-10, on which logline best captures essence/market potential.

Add up all the scores, and there’s your WIP.

And the best part is that your project will not be angry that you have another “lover.” You can develop that other project on the side even as you write the first one.

So how do you decide what book you’re going to write next?

Eyewitness Accounts

Have you ever been involved in some intense situation and your account doesn’t match up with others who were there and involved?

The human mind and memory is a curious thing. When I’m with the family members I grew up with, it’s always fascinating to hear their stories about growing up, but each of us remembers the anecdotes differently. They spin these tales, I watch their lips move, and wonder what the hell they’re talking about.

Case in point. Let’s talk about eye witnesses, but not from a legal standpoint. Let’s simply discuss what we see, and why it’s different, likely resulting from different backgrounds and worldly experiences.

John Gilstrap and I were in Indianapolis a few years ago, along with our wives, attending Magna Cum Murder, a small writing conference full of heart and camaraderie. On that October day in question, the four of us were having drinks outside a grand old club on Monument Circle, enjoying the company and cool weather.

John made dinner reservations at a steakhouse within walking distance, but we’d been out there for a couple of hours and it was necessary to visit the hotel’s facilities first. I’m not sure why we both decided to go at the same time, and I really don’t want to discuss that here, but….

…his wife, Joy, and my bride, Shana, continued their conversation as we left. The current Columbia Club was built in 1925, and the restroom at the far end of the grand lobby of marble and tile was some distance from the front entrance, monitored by traditionally well-dressed doormen.

I reached out to Gilstrap, who two-fingered his version of that clear Indianapolis day and sent it over. I promise, the skies were bright and blue, we all agree on that.

*

Murder At The War Memorial

The lobby of Columbia Club in Indianapolis reeks of Old Money, from its elegant carved wood moldings and soaring ceiling to the dark wood bar to the massive walk-in fireplace. That golden eagle in the corner once stood guard over Abraham Lincoln’s funeral bier. It is the perfect location for a mystery writers’ conference, and so it served for one of my annual favorites, Magna Cum Murder. The conference started on Friday, so Thursday was all about arrival, checking in and meeting up with new friends. My wife, Joy, doesn’t always go to these things with me, but a few years ago, she came along because my buddy Reavis’s wife, Shana, was accompanying him. You haven’t seen trouble until Joy and Shana knock around together.

Somehow, Rev and I found the bar before the ladies did–by the span of a couple of drinks and a dozen war stories–and because it was such a nice early autumn day, we partook of our libations on the patio in the front of the hotel, across the street from the towering War Memorial obelisk. From this vantage point, we could watch the valet parking team do its work and wave hello to writers and readers we’ve seen year after year at Magna.

Finally, the ladies joined us, and after a little while, those early libations caught up with Rev and me and certain biological realities kicked in. I’m not sure which one of us excused ourselves first, but the trip to the men’s room became a dual effort.

We left our wives at the table to catch up with each other.

The restrooms at the Columbia Club are not conveniently located. It’s a bit of a hike to get to them. So, having left the ladies alone for five, maybe seven minutes, as Rev and I are heading back to the front doors, I notice a lady and a little boy on my left, pressing themselves into a corner by the luggage closet, and the valets are in the opposite corner. How odd. Then, when we stepped out into the sunshine, I glanced at the table where we’d left our wives, saw that their chairs were empty, and then, from across the street, at the base of the obelisk, I saw two men running, one behind the other. The one in the rear was a cop. The cop yelled, “Police! Don’t move!” Then took a shooter’s stance, fired, and the runner face planted onto the concrete. In that instant, I thought he’d shot with a pistol, but it turned out to be a Taser. That explained the quietness of the report.

Like most violence, the whole scene transpired over maybe ten seconds. I said to Rev, “The ladies missed the whole show.”

He replied, “No, they didn’t. They’re in the middle of it.” He pointed to a scrum of activity centered around a screaming lady, and sure enough, there they were.

*

His recollection ends here for the purposes of this discussion, but different viewpoints and proximity, as well as several minutes of extra knowledge, can sharpen the event.

“Eyewitnesses can provide very compelling legal testimony, but rather than recording experiences flawlessly, their memories are susceptible to a variety of errors and biases. They (and that’s all of us) can make errors in remembering specific details and can even recall whole events that did not actually happen.” Cara Laney and Elizabeth F. Loftus, Reed College, University of California, Irvine.

*

John’s view ends his story at the perfect place. Now my Bride picks up the narrative.

She is a former degreed journalist and as an old-school newspaper reporter, deals in facts, less emotion.

(She quickly came over from the dark side and moved into public education where we met.)

If she hears a story, or half of one, she’ll ruthlessly drill down until she discovers the truth. Both daughters can vouch for that from teenage experience. The truth is, I’d prefer to spin my stories when she isn’t present, if you know what I mean…

*

“Well, since the girls were there the whole time, we saw and heard much more.

“The screaming and yelling moved us toward the melee to see if we could help. The man, who was not wearing dark clothing, was hitting a woman who was crumpled on the ground next to a raised wall. I believe he was wearing a t-shirt. I guess his pants were dark. He then ran across the monument area looking for another victim. As we moved toward where he was going, we saw a man with a white dress shirt with blood on it standing near a man who was hurt and laying on steps. He was obviously trying to make sure the assailant did not return and cause more harm to the man on the ground that he had apparently targeted earlier.

“We later learned the blood on his shirt was that of the victim – he was a doctor trying to render aid. Later that night we were told that the victim sadly did not survive. Also near the area was a group of people who had come down to bring food to the homeless. All were prepared to intervene in some way, but the police arrived quickly and confronted the assailant. He did not heed their warnings and kept moving. They tazed him as he moved away from them, but the direction was not toward where we were standing with the guys at this point. If we were facing north, he was running east.

“It was all very unsettling. Joy later mentioned that she would not have felt as confident in our moving in closer to the tragic events unfolding if she had known I was not carrying protection. I normally do, but since we were with the guys, I was not. Lesson learned.”

*

We’re all susceptible to erroneous accounts for a variety of reasons. I think mine differs because like John, I’m a storyteller and have related this event over and over, likely embellishing it because of audience reaction whenever I give a talk. Or maybe because I simply like my version better.

*

The girls were settled on an outside settee as two fairly well-known authors headed for the necessary room. After the hike back, strange activities at the front doors caught our attention. I woman huddle with her little one (age between four and eight) to our left, burrowing into the luggage coat section. The woman gave us a fearful look, and ducked back down as if an artillery barrage was about to ensue.

Exchanging puzzled looks, we pushed past a tense-faced doorman and into the covered entrance where I heard shouting.

Orders came fierce and strong. “Stop!”

“Get on the ground!”

Men and women screamed.

A huddle to the right across the street caught my attention and action to our left moved fast. A man raced in our direction, in my memory wearing dark running clothes, and one of two pursuing officers shouted again.

“Stop!”

The brain slows. Too much information. Something bad.

I looked past the assailant and down the barrel of what I thought was a handgun as the closest officer took a stance and fired. Instead of the report of a firearm, the fleeing suspect stiffened and fell hard on his face. Tazed.

Blinking, I looked to the left to see another man down, surrounded by good Samaritans who’d gathered to render air. That’s when time kicked back and concern swept over me.

 John frowned. The ladies missed the whole show.

*

As they said, they didn’t. The instinct to protect others kicked in and both our wives rushed in to help defend others against a demented criminal who’d just been released from jail that morning.

Misinformation can corrupt memory in the aftermath of an event. When more than one person witnesses a crime and discusses it with others before officials arrive, they are likely to have noticed different things because witnesses have different personalities and that individuality shows up in recollections. Together they reinforce those shared memories and contaminate them with information from others.

The differences here are subtle, but collecting the three accounts…(and forgive me, because due to time limitations writing this at the last minute, I didn’t get Joy’s take, which had a little twist that made her participation even more interesting)…shows the reader that eyewitness testimony will never be exact.

The Old Man told me growing up not to believe most of what I hear, and only half of what I see. The older I get, the more I realize how smart he was.

Reader Friday-Words From Down Under

I ran across this on social media and was fascinated. (Guess it’s good for something, right?)

Perhaps you’ve heard of this, but I hadn’t.

A Kangaroo Word is a word/synonym within a word (my definition). For instance, the word chicken. Chicken contains a synonym for itself-cHickEN. That’s part of the definition, as you can see from the graphic taken from the website I explored. I might add also that the letters of the synonym within the word must be in order, but they need not be grouped together.

Other kangaroo words are:  MAscuLinE, BLOssOM, and hoNOuraBLE.

Fun, huh? Go here to find more:

List of kangaroo words

I tried to come up with my own, and so far, I’ve come up with PUPpy.

TKZers, maybe you can jazz us with a few of your own! Let’s have some fun…

Confessions of a Book Reviewer

I’m rushing to finish the rewrite of my new novel.  Will the reviewers like it? Here’s a repeat of an interview with a reviewer.

Confessions of a Book Reviewer

By Elaine Viets

A reviewer for a major print magazine complained to me about a novel he was reading, when it dawned on me – this was news writers could use. If we know what’s wrong, we can fix it before the reviewer writes about it, for all the (mystery) world to read.
This reviewer is not some crank who looks for excuses to rip writers. If he has to give a book a bad review, he agonizes over that decision.
But here are some writing wrongs that upset this reviewer.

(1) Padded Middles. This is my reviewer’s number one problem – novels that slow down in the middle. “The padding doesn’t advance the narrative,” the reviewer said. “It’s pages and pages of the thoughts and feelings of people who aren’t very interesting. They offer no valuable insights. Sometimes, I wonder if editors make writers add this unnecessary information because big books are so popular. Most books I’ve read recently are 20 to 30 pages too long. Often, there’s a good book buried in that excess fat.”

(2) Switching names. “The character is introduced as Joseph Smith. Then the author proceeds to call him Joe, Joey, Joseph, and sometimes just Smith. It’s hard to figure out who the writer is talking about.”

(3) Who’s talking? “A character is introduced in the first 50 pages, and then shows up 200 pages later with no ID.” Take tax accountant Mary Rogers. She has a brief scene in Chapter 2 and then in Chapter 25 we see this line: “I think the suspect embezzled half a million dollars,” said Mary Rogers.
Huh? Our reviewer said, “I’m frantically pawing through the book, trying to figure out who Mary Rogers is and why she’s saying that.

“It would help if the author gave us a hint who Mary was. Something like this:

‘I think the suspect embezzled half a million dollars,’ said tax accountant Mary Rogers.’ That two-word take makes it easier for readers.”

(4) Writers who fixate on a certain word. “Like ass. I read an author who used ‘ass’ constantly. His character fell on his ass, showed his ass, got his ass kicked and had his ass handed to him. He dealt with asshats, ass clowns and of course, assholes.”

Cuss words are necessary for realism, but don’t overdo it.

(5) Dumb and proud of it. “Writers who want to assert their real-people identities trot out lowbrow snobbery. Their favorite phrase is ‘I don’t know anything about . . .’ Then you can choose one or more of these – opera, classical music, gourmet food, Shakespeare.”

Assume your readers are intelligent – after all, they bought your book.

(6) The hero with the drinking problem. He – or sometimes she – “is haunted by the awful things they did when they were on the sauce. Yes, people drink. And some authors handle this well. But most of these characters are tiresome cliches.” Reading these novels is like getting your ear bent by the garrulous drunk at the end of the bar.

(7) Writers who don’t do their research. If you really want to frost this reviewer, have your hero open a Heineken with a twist-off cap – there’s no such animal. And Jack Daniel’s whiskey always has an apostrophe.

If you’re writing a thriller set in Nazi Germany, you’ll score extra points with this reviewer if you don’t say “Hitler was elected president in a democratic election.” You’ll find plenty of people who’ll write that, but the Website Mythfact.com says it’s complicated.
“In America we hear ‘Hitler was elected President in a Democracy’ a lot,” the website says, “but the sentence is so semantically wrong . . . In summary, the whole thing is almost too complex to apply the ol’ ‘Hitler was elected democratically’ quip to, but since it is important, perhaps it is best phrased as, ‘Hitler and the NAZI party seized power in a democratic system.’”
Got that? Good.

(8) Basic copyediting errors. “These are turning up in books by major authors,” our reviewer said. “I’ve seen ‘grizzly murders,’ when I’m quite sure the local bears are innocent. Clothes are tossed down a ‘laundry shoot,’ and people ‘tow the line.’” If you really want to see steam come out of this reviewer’s ears, mix up “it’s” with “its” and “your” with “you’re.” Granted, we all make mistakes, especially when we’re writing quickly. But somebody should catch those errors before the book is printed.

(9) TMI in the first chapter. Nearly every one of us at TKZ has written about this problem. Overcrowded first chapters slow the pace of your novel. Our reviewer said, “It stops a good book dead when the first chapter has an overlarge cast of characters and I can’t keep them straight.”

Reader, what stops you when you’re reading a novel?

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Enjoy A Scarlet Death, my new Angela Richman mystery. The hardcover is $4 off here: https://tinyurl.com/mts557z5

 

 

The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective Writers

I’m sure most people are aware of the highly successful, self-help/motivational book titled The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change written by the late Stephen R. Covey. Certainly, most writers know of the work because most writers are highly motivated, avid readers who want to be effective. At least we like to think we are. 🙂

Yesterday, Jane Friedman published an interesting guest post on her blog written by Joni B. Cole. It’s called The 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective Writers: Powerful Lessons in Personal Sabotage. I felt Ms. Cole made seven great effective ineffective writing points that (mis) aligned with Covey’s hit. I’m pleased to link it here.

In reviewing Stephen Covey’s original book, he isolated these points:

Habit 1 — Be proactive.

Habit 2 — Begin with the end in mind.

Habit 3 — Put first things first.

Habit 4 — Think win-win.

Habit 5 — Seek first to understand and then be understood.

Habit 6 — Synergize.

Habit 7 — Sharpen the saw.

In Joni Cole’s recent article, she points out mistakes that writers—emerging and seasoned—repeatedly make. That’s from being overly sensitive to feedback, not having a clear vision, procrastination, wasting time and energy, trying too hard to satisfy, not listening, being too self critical, and over-sharpening the saw.

To quote Cole, “While highly effective people seek a balanced program of self-improvement to renew their edge, highly ineffective writers are determined to make their saws so sharp they inevitably drive themselves right over the edge.”

Kill Zoners — Take a few minutes and read Joni B. Cole’s post on Jane Friedman’s site. Then drop back and leave a comment. Do you see a bit of yourself in this piece? I sure see myself in one spot.

Significant Events

Significant Events
Terry Odell

picture of a family arriving in the US in 1938Significant events can be individual, familial, national, or international.

I was at a family reunion last weekend, and seeing so many cousins in one place was a visual lesson in the strength of DNA. No problem knowing we were all related. What was missing was the generation that included some we fondly remember as the crazy old aunts. Looking around, the cousins of my generation realized that to a lot of the others in the room, we were now the old guard and undoubtedly would be thought of as the crazy old cousins.

Many of the maternal side of my family hailed from Danzig (now Gdansk), and were lucky enough that one of the crazy old aunts had the foresight to push the family into selling their goods and getting the hell out of there. Their arrival in New York was on the maiden voyage of the SS Noordam. A reporter was sent to cover the arrival of the ship, and when they saw the passenger manifest with Anker after Anker, they figured there was a story there.

Another branch of the family lived in Berlin, and their patriarch was of the “This too will pass” mindset. Kristallnacht, November 9-10, 1938, opened his eyes, and they began their plans to leave. That’s a significant historical event that might be more significant to their family than others.

September 11 Memorial

Image by Foundry Co from Pixabay

For most of us who are old enough to remember, September 11th, 2001 is a date that won’t be forgotten. We remember where we were, what we were doing, when we heard the news.

I was home, working on my part-time day job, which was entering registration data for an upcoming conference. As was typical, most of the attendees waited until the day before the early bird pricing was going to expire, and I was swamped. My husband called, said a plane crashed into the twin towers. My first reaction was, that’s a terrible accident, but I’m busy. He said to turn on the television, which was in his office in the next room. I did, and it took a moment or two to register that it wasn’t an accident at all. I turned up the volume, went back to my data entry, but turned on the ‘real’ television in the living room and bounced back and forth between work and watching for updates.

John F. Kennedy's gravesiteThere are other major historic milestones. Another for me was the assassination of JFK. I was in high school history class, which was being taught by a ‘student teacher.’ I don’t know what they’re called in other regions, but this was part of the required curriculum for anyone wanting a teaching certificate in Los Angeles, and it was late enough in the semester that the teacher himself felt he could leave the room and leave her in charge. I don’t remember their names, but I remember he came into the room and interrupted the lesson and announced the assassination. Everyone’s first reaction was that he was playing up the curse that presidents elected in years with zeroes would come to a bad end. Then we noticed he was crying, and the shock hit us. School was dismissed for the day.

pearl harbor memorial

Image by wojoan from Pixabay

Few of us still remember Pearl Harbor Day, but that was another one where people knew what they were doing when they got the news.

Today, we should take a moment to remember 9-11 and those who lost their lives, and the repercussions throughout the world.

How do you handle historical and significant events in your writing? If your characters are boarding a plane, do you consider the security hoops they have to deal with? Do they even know what it was like before the inspections were put in place? Do you include mention of the pandemic? I read books obviously written during the pandemic by authors who assumed it would be long gone before their books came out, and they got it wrong. Or elections? Do you mention current administrations? The floor is yours.


How can he solve crimes if he’s not allowed to investigate?
Gordon Hepler, Mapleton’s Chief of Police, has his hands full. A murder, followed by several assaults. Are they related to the expansion of the community center? Or could it be the upcoming election? Gordon and mayor wannabe Nelson Manning have never seen eye to eye. Gordon’s frustrations build as the crimes cover numerous jurisdictions, effectively tying his hands. Available now in ebook, paperback, and audio.
Like bang for your buck? I have a new Mapleton Bundle. Books 4, 5, and 6 for one low price.

New! Find me at Substack with Writings and Wanderings


Terry Odell is an award-winning author of Mystery and Romantic Suspense, although she prefers to think of them all as “Mysteries with Relationships.”

First Page Critique – Untitled Comedic Crime/Black Comedy

 

by Debbie Burke

burke_writer

Please welcome a Brave Author (BA) from South Africa who submitted a first page described as “Comedic Crime/Black Comedy.” Read and enjoy then we’ll discuss.

~~~

It was an icy Monday, the day they came for him.

I’d crunched across the frost that covered the office courtyard.

I’d been reconciling the company bank statement when I felt, more than heard, a silence fall over the open plan office. Two men stood in the doorway. Plain clothes. But they had that look about them. They wore ties and reeked of government.

Millie, in reception, gestured towards the glassed-in cubicle at the end from which Primo conducted the affairs of the firm.

The men nodded as they passed our desks. Primo pushed his chair back and stood, arm stretched, hand open to greet them. A broad smile fixed on his florid face.

Was I wrong about the men?

They shut the door. I glanced around at my colleagues. Everyone was watching. Some gawked unabashed, others peered surreptitiously over the top of their PC’s. We couldn’t hear the words, but we could witness the gestures, expressions, and movements. I bet Primo regretted all the glass now. His motive was to keep an eye on us, but now we had prime seats for a mime spectacle.

Primo tapped the pack of Peter Stuyvesants on his desk, plucked out a cigarette and lit it. He took a deep drag, then with an arrogant tilt of his head, blew smoke rings to the ceiling. He waved at the two chairs, but the men kept standing. The older man spoke.

I imagined he was inwardly chanting, deny, deny, deny.

Finally, the smile slid off his face, and he slumped into his chair.

It didn’t take long.

One gent unplugged the computer and tucked the chassis under his arm with ease. The other helped Primo out of the chair.

Primo’s eyes found mine with an unblinking stare. A vein throbbed at my temple. I was a rabbit caught in the headlights. The tax tip-off line’s anonymous, but he knew. I was the only one who could know. The bookkeeper knows everything.

He walked through the office, shoulders squared, but he was stiff and lurching. He could feign innocence, but the evidence I provided was irrefutable. I looked away, but lifted my gaze to watch his retreating shape. His stink of cigarettes was now laced with the sour smell of fear.

He faltered, then looked back at me, and with an intense fevered stare, he dragged his finger across his throat in a slitting gesture.

~~~

Okay, let’s dig in. I found a lot to like about this first page. The opening sentence sets the time of year without over-describing the weather. The tone is foreboding.

By the second and third paragraphs, the first-person narrator is established as a bookkeeper for a company under investigation by government officials.

“I felt, more than heard, a silence fall over the open plan office.” That’s a fresh way to describe the auditors’ arrival, showing the palpable effect on all employees who immediately know something is very wrong. This also establishes the physical setting in a few words. Well done!

“They wore ties and reeked of government.” Another quick, efficient description.

“…the glassed-in cubicle at the end from which Primo conducted the affairs of the firm.” The honcho is quickly revealed as the probable antagonist to the “I” character.

Peter Stuyvescent cigarettes and blowing smoke rings at the ceiling are great specific details that show Primo’s arrogance. You don’t need to also tell the reader. I suggest deleting the adjective “arrogant.”

“I bet Primo regretted all the glass now. His motive was to keep an eye on us, but now we had prime seats for a mime spectacle.” This observation by the protagonist further characterizes Primo, shows the resentment of the workers, plus raises suspense. What spectacle is unfolding? The reader is pulled in by curiosity and tension.

As Primo is being escorted out, he looks at the protagonist.

“A vein throbbed at my temple. I was a rabbit caught in the headlights…I was the only one who could know. The bookkeeper knows everything.” Skillful, economical summation of the protagonist’s role in the story problem.

Up until now, the reader knows very little about the “I” character, including the gender.

First person narrators need to slip in the character’s name, gender, age, and other pertinent details. That’s challenging to do in a way that sounds natural and doesn’t stop the story flow. BA’s voice is adept enough that I’m willing to wait a bit to learn that info.

For now, the emphasis is his/her worry. “I” blew the whistle on Primo’s misdeeds. “I” can’t maintain eye contact with Primo out of fear and/or shame. The throat-slitting gesture sends a clear threat of retribution, raising the anticipation and stakes. Primo will be back to take his revenge and “I” is scared but also feels satisfaction.

“His stink of cigarettes was now laced with the sour smell of fear.” Good sensory detail that reinforces the mood.

BA has an economical yet vivid way of setting up the location, problem, conflict, stakes, as well as introducing the protagonist and antagonist. The characterizations are well drawn with specific details and gestures that reveal far more depth than a bland driver’s license description of height, weight, hair color, etc.

My suggestions are small tweaks.

One typo: PC’s should be PCs w/o an apostrophe. S indicates plural, ‘s indicates possessive.

Suggested edit: It was an icy Monday, the day they came for Primo. Use his name rather than the vague pronoun “him.”

Original:

I’d crunched across the frost that covered the office courtyard.

I’d been reconciling the company bank statement when I felt, more than heard, a silence fall over the open plan office.

Two sentences in a row that begin with “I’d” is weak. Plus there’s a minor bump in the transition between the courtyard and office. Maybe combine the sentences.

Suggested edit: “I’d crunched across the frost that covered the courtyard, settled into my cubicle, and was reconciling the company bank statement when I felt, more than heard, a silence fall over the open plan office.”

Delete “But they had that look about them.”   You show that look so you don’t need to tell it also.

Suggested edit: “Two men stood in the doorway. Plain clothes. They wore ties and reeked of government.”

Original: Was I wrong about the men?

Suggested edit: Unless this question has meaning later, I suggest you delete it b/c the narrator clearly is right about the men’s purpose. 

Original: I imagined he was inwardly chanting, deny, deny, deny.

Suggested edit: I imagined Primo was inwardly chanting, deny, deny, deny.

Original: I was a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Although it wouldn’t stop me from reading, rabbit (or deer) caught in the headlights is a bit cliched. You can find a better line.

Original: “The tax tip-off line’s anonymous, but he knew.”

Suggested edit: “The tax tip-off line is anonymous” rather than “line’s”. When I first read it, I thought it was possessive rather than a contraction.

The genre is described as “comedic crime/black comedy.” This page had a foreboding tone, but I didn’t pick up on “comedic.” With the Brave Author’s skill, I expect that will be introduced soon.

Congratulations on a compelling first page that checks off many important boxes: a story problem, interesting characters in opposition, a life-altering disturbance, tension, high stakes, and a promise of more complications.

Brave Author, thanks for the chance to read this and best wishes for publication.

~~~

TKZers: What are your impressions of this first page? Would you turn the page? Any ideas or suggestions for the Brave Author?

The Chronology of Story: Foreshadowing

“Time flies over us, but leaves its shadow behind.” – Nathaniel Hawthorne

* * *

 As we all know, stories are the recollection of events that happen through time. In January, I posted an article on flashbacks in story-telling. Today, I’d like to go in the other direction with foreshadowing.

* * *

To begin, let’s look at the difference between flash forward and foreshadowing.

A flash forward takes the reader to a point in the future. A good example is Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol where Ebenezer Scrooge is taken into the future by a ghost to show him what will happen after his death if he doesn’t change his ways.

* * *

But foreshadowing is different, and despite what Hawthorne said, a shadow may indicate events to come.

According to masterclass.com,

“Foreshadowing is a literary device used to give an indication or hint of what is to come later in the story. Foreshadowing is useful for creating suspense, a feeling of unease, a sense of curiosity, or a mark that things may not be as they seem.”

Foreshadowing may be direct or indirect.

* * *

Direct Foreshadowing overtly states an upcoming event or twist in the story.

For example, the prologue of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet specifically states that the two lovers will die in the story:

“From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross’d lovers take their life;
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury their parents’ strife.”

 

Another example of this straight-forward form of foreshadowing is when the author simply makes a statement about the future.

I recently read the novel Tom Lake by Ann Patchett where the first-person narrator recounts to her three daughters the story of her love affair with a famous actor. Late in the book, the narrator explains to the reader that she has told all of her past to her children – well, almost all. “And I am done, except for this: I saw Duke one other time, and of that time I will say nothing to my girls.” So the reader knows that an event which is explained in detail to the reader will not be related to other characters in the book. (Sort of a negative foreshadowing.)

* * *

Indirect Foreshadowing is a more subtle way of hinting at future events or outcomes in the story.

 

“If you say in the first act that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third act it absolutely must go off.” –Anton Chekhov

 

 

 

 

In To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus talks to Jem about courage after the death of Mrs. Dubose.

“I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.”

That conversation foreshadowed Atticus’s own courage in defending Tom Robinson.

In an early chapter of Tom Lake, the first-person narrator betrays her best friend by stealing the other girl’s boyfriend. That event foreshadows a similar betrayal later in the book when the same thing happens to the protagonist.

* * *

So TKZers: Do you think foreshadowing is a useful device in novel writing? Have you used foreshadowing in your novels? Can you think of any examples in stories you’ve read?

* * *

Private pilot Cassie Deakin declares her distrust of handsome men in the first paragraph of Lacey’s Star. That statement foreshadows her flawed decisions on trust throughout the book and almost gets her killed.

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