Holiday Gifts for Writers

By Elaine Viets

          Wondering what to get your favorite writer for the holidays? (Psst. It’s OK to include yourself.)  I’ve put together this list when I was supposed to be writing. As of this writing, all of these items could be delivered in time for Christmas.

Writers’ Tears Copper Pot Whiskey

Some writers get maudlin after a few too many. Writers’ Tears seems to honor that tradition. Walsh Whiskey’s website says that “19th and early 20th century Ireland was a golden era both for Irish whiskey and, perhaps coincidentally, for great Irish novelists, poets and playwrights.” It kinda-sorta says if you are knocking back Writers’ Tears, you may join the ranks of Irish literary giants from George Bernard Shaw to Bram Stoker. Writers’ Tears also “been to Ian Buxton’s publication 101 Whiskeys to try before you die.

For pricing and more information, go to https://tinyurl.com/bd58e7ua

 

A Writer’s T-shirt that says,I am a writer – anything you say or do may be used in a story.”

One holiday, my Aunt Betty announced at dinner, “This meal is off the record.”

I promised Betty nothing said at that meal would wind up in a book or blog. This shirt is fair warning for friends and family. It’s  $10.19 at Etsy, and has options for writers, bookworms and journalists.  https://tinyurl.com/mut3y4hh

PS: I wear a women’s large in the V-neck style.

Fahrney’s Pens

Some people can happily spend the day wandering around a hardware store. I feel the same way about pen stores. When I got my first real, live contract with a publisher, I bought a Mont Blanc to sign the contract. Now most publishing contracts are signed electronically, but I still love pens. I’ve been eyeing this Smithsonian dinosaur fossil rollerball pen for $53.60.  https://tinyurl.com/3n7kd7b8

 Leather bound notebook

Your favorite writer can plot their bestseller in a leather-bound notebook. Jenni Bick has a collection starting at $11 This Savona Italian leather notebook is $25.60 https://tinyurl.com/4dm9v752. You’ll also find good deals for leather notebooks on Etsy.

 Writing a mystery is a complicated puzzle

That may be why many writers enjoy jigsaw puzzles.  Here’s a 500-piece Murdle in The Mystery Mansion puzzle at Strand Books for $19.95.

https://www.strandbooks.com/puzzle-murdle-in-the-mystery-mansion-500-piece-jigsaw-puzzle-9781797235691.html

 Get holiday felines with this 500-piece puzzle

Happy Hanukcats by Galison

It’s $14.53 at Thriftbooks. https://tinyurl.com/252um7b6

 

 Get the holiday felines with this 500-piece puzzle

Writer Fuel

For the coffee lover

A ground coffee tasting kit. The 9 coffee flavors include Amaretto, breakfast blend, Irish Cream, French Vanilla and hazelnut. Amazon. $23.99 https://tinyurl.com/3swjavpy

For the hot chocolate drinker

A disco ball hot chocolate cocoa bomb with star-shaped marshmallows.

From Target. $4 each. https://tinyurl.com/4zujrb28

For the tea drinker

A tea sampler from the Republic of Tea.

Tea drinkers can try 7 different flavors including Hydration Watermelon and Hydration Blueberry Lime. $11. https://www.republicoftea.com/single-sips-sampler/p/v20473/

More quick gift ideas

Donate to a favorite charity in your friend’s name.

Give a gift basket.

Give a meal service.

Give free babysitting.

Give a gift card.

This is my last blog of 2025. Happy holidays, however you celebrate.

Enjoy my new Florida Beach mystery, “Sex and Death on the Beach.” https://tinyurl.com/492ffwa8

“Johnny! Oh, my God! Fire!”

By John Gilstrap (Only my wife still calls me Johnny)

Last Saturday was the night of our annual Christmas party. It’s a catered event in our home where we host about 100 friends for an evening of food, drink and frivolity. Things were just getting started–I was taking coats at door and directing people to the various bars and food stations–when my wife’s urgent cries drew my attention to a 12-inch-high patch of flames on the dining room table.

“Oh, bother,” I said–or something like that. A lit taper had fallen from its base and had set the linen table runner alight. Linen burns pretty well with a bit of paraffin accelerant. However, it extinguishes quickly when you drown it with the water from a chafing dish. Thinking quickly, the caterer then covered the burn mark with a serving dish and the party was back on track.

About 18 hours have passed as I write this, and I realize that some blog topics are ordained. So buckle up as I set my writing creds aside and return to my previous line of work. For newcomers, that means 15 years in the fire and rescue service and 35 years as a safety engineer specializing in things that burn.

First, this video is mandatory. The first ten seconds or so will do. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Welcome back. Nothing about that video was doctored. Dry pine burns almost explosively, and it doesn’t care if it’s part of a tree, a wreath or a centerpiece. It also burns very hot. If the fire in the video had been in a real house, those superheated gases would have ignited all the furniture and wall coverings, creating an even hotter plume of gases that would have mushroomed along the ceiling to the rest of the house, self-propagating by all the additional items and structural members it ignited along the way. If it were a two-story house, the stairway would have been the internal chimney, and the Beast would have fed on everything up there.

Sobering Fact #1: You don’t have time. The Beast is coming, and you can’t stop it. Even if it’s not true in your one-off case, you have to assume it is true. If it’s after bedtime, and the smoke detector sounds, your reflex should be to call 9-1-1. If you live in an area that has “enhanced 9-1-1” service, you don’t even need to speak to anyone. The computer will know your address and the audio will tell the call taker everything they need to know. If it turns out to be a nothing burger of a call, well, that’s good news for everyone. Your house won’t have burned and the firefighters won’t have had to clean their equipment.

Sobering Fact #2: Everybody’s instincts are wrong.

  • You keep your and the kids’ bedroom doors open because you want to hear problems. Remember the Beast in the hallway? He kills with his breath, not with his claws. Not only is he consuming all of the oxygen from the air, but the products of combustion from all that furniture and structural material are toxifying it with carbon monoxide and phosgene and oxides of nitrogen and God knows what else. Some of these gases are toxic at parts per billion, and if bedroom doors are open, they’re rolling right in. A closed bedroom door adds as much as 10 minutes of survival time in a house fire. Give the firefighters a chance to make a rescue instead of a recovery.
  • You think you’re going to have time to rescue your kids from down the hall. You’re wrong. At least, you have to plan to be wrong. See everything written above. Honestly, you don’t comprehend how geometrically the Beast grows once he gets started. Dying in the hallway during a rescue attempt is not a rescue. It’s a tragedy. Likely part of a larger one.
  • Your kids are going to run to you for help when things get scary. I don’t even want to write the rest. Read the paragraph above and extrapolate. Hands down, the worst day of my fire service life was when I found the bodies of two children under their parents’ bed. A part of me broke that night that still hasn’t healed.

Elements of a Fire Evacuation Plan 

  • Every room has a way out–ideally, two.
    • If the CLOSED bedroom door is hot to the touch, the Beast is out there waiting to kill you. Don’t open it.
      • OPTION 1: If it’s safe, climb out a window.
        • Are your kids big enough/strong enough to open the window?
        • Do they know it’s okay to break the window if they can’t open it? (You need to tell them very specifically that it is permissible because you’ve spent their whole lives making it clear that windows are NOT to be broken.)
        • Is there a designated implement nearby that they can use to break the window?
      • OPTION 2: If the Beast is outside the door and window egress is unsafe, the only option is to stay put and await rescue.
        • Stay low and in plain sight
        • Make lots of noise. (Bedside whistles are a great idea.)
  • Establish a meeting place outside and once there, stay there. 
  • Do not hesitate. Hear the smoke detector, activate the plan.

Please consider this post to be my Christmas message of love.

We’re all extended family here at the Killzone Blog, and it so happens that the season of God’s greatest gift to mankind coincides in the Northern Hemisphere with the time of year when we stack the rules of chemistry and physics against ourselves by placing uniquely combustible fuels in close proximity to efficient ignition sources. There’s a reason why first responders refer to this time of year as Fire Season.

I don’t want to stress you out, but I do want all of you to take a look at every single display in your home. If having a real tree is important to you (or any real greens for that matter), make sure that they are moist and well away from direct sources of heat. Keep a pitcher of water near the fireplace in case a log falls out. You just have to cool it off enough to get it back into the fire box with the tongs. There’s no need to extinguish the fire in the fire box before you go to bed, but make sure that the logs are stable and won’t fall.

Candles out before bed. All of them. Don’t make me come over there and give you a talking to.

With all that lecturing behind me, I wish you all a wonderful Holiday Season, and I will see you on the far side of our annual hiatus!

Bah Humbug…Or Maybe Not

You can swim all day in the Sea of Knowledge and not get wet. — Milo in The Phantom Tollbooth

By PJ Parrish

I spent yesterday in the cold rain hanging Christmas lights on my shrubs. And then they didn’t work. Yeah, yeah…I checked them all first. But they pulled a Griswald on me and only half of them went on. An hour later, a yanked them off and tossed them in the trash. Bah humbug.

So I decked the hounds in boughs of holly,  made a Hendricks Floradora martini and, like my lights, got half-lit.

.

Ever wonder where the word humbug came from? It wasn’t Dickens, by the way. It goes back to 1750, first appearing in The Student where it is called “a word very much in vogue with the people of taste and fashion.” This makes me feel marginally better.

A humbug is a deception, a lie. According to The Vulgar Tongue by Francis Grose — dontcha love that title, so E.L. James? — to hum in English originally meant “‘to deceive.” It could also come from the Italian uomo bugiardo, which literally means “lying man.”

In the 1961 children’s book The Phantom Tollboth, there’s a large beetle-like insect known as the Humbug, who is a consummate liar. I had never heard of this book before a friend mentioned it in passing recently as one of his favorites and lent me his copy. Bah humbug…okay, so I read it .

Phantom Tollbooth – Books of Wonder

The story concerns a sad kid named Milo who, bored to death at school — and by life — gets a mysterious package. Inside is a small tollbooth and a map of the Lands Beyond, leading to the Kingdom of Wisdom. There’s a note — “For Milo, who has plenty of time.” Milo begins a fantasical journey where he meets a companion dog Tock (so named for the alarmclocks in his fur), He leaves behind The Doldrums, and goes to the Word Market, where he mets the Spelling Bee and the lying Humbug, and then on to Dictionopolis. In the Mountains of Ignorance, they fight The Gelatinous Giant. The giant is a green Jello blob who takes a lot of naps, can change shapes on a whim, eats people, bugs and dogs. His weakness is he is afraid of new ideas because they make him sick to his stomach. Milo uses The Box of Words to defeat the giant.

I’m tempted, but I can’t recount it all here — it’s incredibly dense with the kind of details kids adore and double entendre lessons adults should heed. And writers would get  kick out of it. All ends well for Milo. He goes back through the tollbooth, “awakening” back in his bedroom, but convinced his trip was real. He finds a new note — “For Milo, who now knows the way.” The note say that the tollbooth is being sent to another kid who needs help finding direction in life.

So, crime dogs, on this holiday eve, as we look to a new year with hope, I wish you health, happiness with your loved ones, and sanity wherever you can find it. And that your Christmas lights work. Oh yeah, and that you keep writing. May you pick up some good stuff at the Word Market, find your way out of The Doldrums and keep marching on toward the Kingdom of Wisdom. As The Phantom Tollbooth told me:

“Milo continued to think of all sorts of things; of the many detours and wrong turns that were so easy to take, of how fine it was to be moving and, most of all, of how much could be accomplished with just a little thought.”

How fine is it just to be moving.

 

15 #FunFacts About Turkeys and Thanksgiving

Since I moved into my new house the day before Thanksgiving, I’m not at all ready for Christmas, decorating, or holiday shopping. Don’t get me wrong. I love the holidays. But moving twice in the same year isn’t as easy as it was twenty or thirty years ago. In fact, I’m running on empty. We got nailed with the first winter storm last week, and it dropped nine to ten inches of heavy, wet snow six days before my snowblower was scheduled to arrive.

Turned out to be a blessing, because I experienced the kindness of strangers like never before. Four different neighbors saw me struggling outside with a measly shovel and ran to my aid. Within minutes, they snowblowed both of my driveways. The following day, they cleared the snow that had fallen during the night, including all my walkways, while I baked “Thank you!” cookies for everyone.

This time, I’m not killing myself to get everything done and situated. I still have packed totes in every room and am slowly picking away at unpacking, but I couldn’t be happier with my new home. Guardian angels must’ve been looking out for me when they guided me here. What you never know when you buy a property is the character of the neighbors. Somehow, I landed in a spot surrounded by people with old school values, decency, and kindness.

Enough about me. I miss chatting about writing but my well of wisdom has temporarily run dry — I need downtime to replenish it — so instead…

Impress your holiday guests with these fun facts about turkeys and Thanksgiving.

Hope you enjoy them!

15: Only Male Turkeys Gobble

Male turkeys are called “gobblers” because of their famous call — their version of a rooster’s crow — a loud shrill, descending, throaty jumble of sound that lasts about one second. Males often gobble from treetop roosts, where the sound carries better than on the ground. They gobble to attract females and to respond to other males. Sometimes one male’s call can lead to a group joining in, much like wolves howl in unison.

Both male and female turkeys cackle as they fly down from roosts. They give short, soft purrs while traveling on foot and use a long series of yelps to reassemble a flock after turkeys startle and scatter. Young turkeys whistle three or four times to flock-mates when they’re lost. A strutting male uses a chump sound followed by a low hum, neither of which are well understood by the scientific community yet.

14: Wild Turkeys Can Fly

I learned this fascinating fact when I flapped a towel to shoo a large group of turkeys from a previous yard of mine that got bombarded by wild turkeys, sometimes 50 or more at a time. Yes, I love all animals, but 50+ turkeys leave landmines of poo and devour all the food for my crows, chippies, squirrels, woodchucks, jays, and numerous other birds.

The rule in my yard is always: “Everyone must share and get along. If my crows are happy, you can stay. If I hear you’ve stepped out of line, you’re gone.” And everyone understands this, no matter where I live. Except turkeys. And yet, they’re intelligent birds. Years ago, I had a pet turkey named Lou. He would sit next to me and preen my hair for hours, wrap his wings around me (or other family) and give hugs, and coo in our ear when we had a bad day. Loved that bird. Later in life, he went on to win numerous blue ribbons at the Topsfield Fair and became a local celebrity.

However, dozens of wild turkeys in flight can only be described as hilarious. They’re not graceful fliers by any means. Shockingly, they can reach speeds of up to 55 mph in short bursts!

13: Eating Turkey Won’t Make You Sleepy

While everyone blames the amino acid tryptophan for knocking us out after a Thanksgiving feast, the truth is turkey doesn’t contain all that much tryptophan. The sleepy or sluggishness we feel has more to do with piggin’ out on all the appetizers, side dishes, main meal, and desserts.

12: No One Ate Turkey at The First Thanksgiving

Fun facts about turkeysThe modern Thanksgiving holiday is based off a three-day festival shared by the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag tribe at Plymouth Colony, Massachusetts, in 1621. The feast celebrated the colonists’ first successful harvest in the New World. While modern Thanksgiving always lands on the fourth Thursday in November, the original feast happened earlier in fall, closer to harvest time in mid-October, when Canadians celebrate. And no one ate turkey.

Two firsthand accounts describe a feast of freshly killed deer, assorted wildfowl, a bounty of cod and bass, and flint, a native corn harvested by the Wampanoag and eaten as corn bread or porridge.

We can only speculate about other foods they feasted on over the course of three days. Wildfowl — most likely duck or geese, pigeons or swans — stuffed with onions and nuts. Lobster, mussels, and eel also make sense for that period in Massachusetts. Native crops such as peas, beans, squash, and flint corn probably also made an appearance on the table, along with vegetables brought over from England, such as cabbage and carrots. Cranberries may have been incorporated into Wampanoag dishes to add tartness, but it’d be another 50 years before someone first wrote about adding sugar to make a “sauce to eat with… meat.” And no gravy (flour wasn’t invented yet) or pie!

11: For The Last 40 Years, We’ve Had a Turkey Hotline

Did you know this?

Professionally trained turkey experts at Butterball field over 100,000 emergency calls during the holiday season. Throughout the years they’ve expanded to meet the modern holiday household. If you can’t get through the old-fashioned way by dialing 1-800-BUTTERBALL, connect through social media, live chat, texting — or even through Amazon’s Alexa.

Have any of you called the hotline?

10: A Raccoon Received a Presidential Pardon for Thanksgiving

In November 1926, a Mississippi man gifted President Calvin Coolidge a raccoon for his Thanksgiving dinner. Since he and the First Lady were animal lovers, he didn’t have the heart to kill the little cutie pie. Instead, he named her Rebecca and added her to the collection of First Family pets, which included a bear, hippo, hordes of dogs, and two lion cubs.

9: The Bird Name “Turkey” Stems from a Case of Mistaken Identity

Fun facts about turkeysDuring the Ottoman Empire, guinea fowl were exported from East Africa via Turkey to Europe. Europeans called the birds “turkey-cocks” or “turkey-hens” due to the trade route. So, when Europeans first sailed to North America and discovered birds that looked like guinea fowl, they called them turkeys. To be clear, turkeys and guinea fowl are two different animals.

8. The Creation of TV Dinners Stems from a Thanksgiving Mishap

In 1953, a Swanson employee accidentally over-ordered 260 tons of turkey. The frozen turkeys took up space in ten refrigerated train cars, when a company salesman suggested preparing and packaging the turkey with sides in compartmentalized aluminum trays. Swanson sold 5,000 TV dinners that year. That number grew to 10 million the following year.

7: Cranberries Aren’t Just Tasty — They’re Medicine

Readers of Unnatural Mayhem and Restless Mayhem should remember this. 😉 Native Americans have used cranberries to treat wounds and dye arrows. Much like holly, dried cranberries also adorn table centerpieces, wreaths, and garlands.

6: The Term “Black Friday” Backfired 

Even though Black Friday now signals the biggest shopping day of the year, in 1966, the Philadelphia Police Department used “Black Friday” in the hopes that it would deter shoppers from leaving the house and adding to the traffic and commotion of the Army-Navy football game.

5: You Can Sex Turkeys by Their Poo

Strangely, a male turkey’s poop is J-shaped, while a female’s looks more like a spiral.

4: Turkeys Can See Better Than You

One of the more surprising facts I found is turkeys have three-times better vision than humans. They can also see color and their eyesight covers 270 degrees.

3: A Native American Interpreted for Pilgrims

Fun facts about turkeys and ThanksgivingTisquantum, also known as Squanto, was a Native American from the Patuxet tribe, who was a key figure to the Pilgrims during their first winter in the New World. He acted as both an interpreter and guide as Pilgrims learned to adjust to their new way of life at Plymouth.

Born circa 1580 near Plymouth, Massachusetts, little is known about his early life. As a young man, Tisquantum was kidnapped along the Maine coast in 1605 by Captain George Weymouth, who’d been commissioned by Plymouth Company owner, Sir Ferdinando Gorges, to explore the coast of Maine and Massachusetts and capture Tisquantum and four unnamed Penobscots, because he thought his financial backers in Britain might want to see some [American] Indians.

Weymouth brought Tisquantum and the Penobscots to England, where Tisquantum lived with Ferdinando Gorges, who taught him English.

Side note before I continue: Make no mistake, none of these so-called men gave Tisquantum or the unnamed Penobscots a choice. They were torn away from their land, from their families, and forced to learn English, to assimilate into an unfamiliar culture. Many of these stories make it seem like the Europeans helped Native Americans, rather than the stark reality of kidnapping, rape, slavery, and unmerciful torture that led to genocide.

Now fluent in English, Tisquantum returned to his homeland in 1614, where he was kidnapped again. This time, by an English explorer, Thomas Hunt, who took him to Spain and sold him into slavery. Tisquantum escaped, lived with monks for a few years, and eventually found his way back to North America in 1619, only to find his entire Patuxet tribe dead from smallpox. He went to live with the nearby Wampanoags.

In 1621, Tisquantum met the Pilgrims at Plymouth, where he acted as an interpreter between Pilgrim representatives and Wampanoag Chief Massasoit. Later that fall, they celebrated the first Thanksgiving.

2: The Fourth Day of November is Also The National Day of Mourning.

Before you celebrate the holiday with loved ones in the future, take a moment to remember the events leading up to the first Thanksgiving. Years of conflict took place between the Europeans and Wampanoag People. Millions of Native People died.

The only reason the Pilgrims could even settle in Plymouth was because the Wampanoag population had been devastated by disease, virtually wiped out by a plague Europeans brought with them years before.

Since 1970, many gather on the last Thursday of November at the top of Cole’s Hill, overlooking Plymouth Rock, to commemorate a National Day of Mourning.

1: Turkey Feathers

turkey feather

This is such a fun fact. The American Plume & Fancy Feather Co. dyed 4,000 turkey feathers bright yellow to create the perfect look for Big Bird. No wonder he looks so fluffy. Who knew?

Also, turkey feathers are often used for smudging.

How many of these did you know? Do you have a favorite?

Since this is my last post of 2025, I wish you all a joyous holiday season.

To Write Better Fiction, Try Writing Something Else

by James Scott Bell
@jamesscottbell

We all know that various tasks, assessments, creations, observations, and reactions trigger different parts of the brain. For example, the other day I was driving along on a busy, two-lane street near my home, enjoying the nice day and the classical music station on the radio, when a loud VROOM blasted next to me and instantly put me into “fight or flight” mode, as some idiot in a Mustang shot past all the cars by racing on the median strip, then darting back into traffic like he was playing a video game, then went out again to pull the same stunt. A bad accident waiting to happen, which is old news here in L.A.

Anyway, when it comes to creation, we have a “team” consisting of the imagination group, the analytical staff, and the Boys in the Basement. They band together on our projects, and as we work in tandem with our good ol’ noodle (for you youngsters, noodle is old-school slang for head, which is derived from the 1500s word noddle—which in Old English meant head resting on a neck—and some smart aleck in the 1700s who added the “oo” sound from fool. I also could have chosen nut, noggin, or dome. Take note, as there will be a quiz on this later) we exercise our brains, which is essential for our overall health.

Which is why handing off all creative effort to AI is like preparing for a long distance race by eating Twinkies. The long term effect is horrible, especially in young brains that are still developing. Yes, AI can be an aid in some situations, but there should be a flashing Approach With Caution sign at every turn.

Now, there are different kinds of writing that work out the various parts of the gray matter— fiction, essays, poetry, jingles, marketing copy, letters (remember letters? That you write in your own hand and put in an envelope? That took some care, unlike the emails we send every day and the texts we fire off like so much digital buckshot) and anything else that requires a modicum of thought.

I consider myself a writer. I write. That’s all I ever wanted to do. I specialize in that form of fiction called the thriller. It’s my bread and butter—in fact, it butters my bread—and it is my primary focus. But when I engage in another type of writing I find that my overall creative muscle is improved, and I feel that when I go back to fiction.

That’s why I started a Substack. It’s my foray into a type of nonfiction I call “Whimsical Wanderings.” These are free-range essays without fences. I spend part of my early mornings playing in this part of my brain, and bring order to it later. Ray Bradbury once said of his own writing, “Every morning I jump out of bed and step on a landmine. The landmine is me. After the explosion, I spend the rest of the day putting the pieces together.” I can relate.

And now, gentle reader, I am happy to solve a problem for you. With the holiday season upon us, some of you may be scratching your head about what to get for that certain someone you find it so hard to get things for. What gift is suitable, surprising, fun, and relatively cheap? Now you have it. The best of Whimsical Wanderings is contained in the collection Cinnamon Buns and Milk Bone Underwear, the print version of which is available for purchase at the special intro price of $9.99 (that’s the lowest price Amazon will allow for this book. In a week it’ll go to $15.99, at which time I’ll start announcing it to the world at large, including Albania). You may get it here. There’s also the ebook version at the low end of $2.99, here. If I may offer a blurb:

Every time one of James Scott Bell’s Whimsical Wanderings arrives in my email box, I smile, even before I open it. Each post takes me down a path I am not expecting but am so glad for the journey by the time I reach the end. If you want to lift your spirits while being surprised by how one thought can lead to another, treat yourself to this book! — Robin Lee Hatcher, Christy Award winning author of The British Are Coming series

End of commercial. I’ll leave you with this from Malcolm Bradbury, in Unseen Letters: Irreverent Notes From a Literary Life:

I write everything. I write novels and short stories and plays and playlets, interspersed with novellas and two-hander sketches. I write histories and biographies and introductions to the difficulties of modern science and cook books and books about the Loch Ness monster and travel books, mostly about East Grinstead….I write children’s books and school textbooks and works of abstruse philosophy…and scholarly articles on the Etruscans and works of sociology and anthropology. I write articles for the women’s page and send in stories about the most unforgettable characters I have ever met to Reader’s Digest….I write romantic novels under a female pseudonym and detective stories…I write traffic signs and “this side up” instructions for cardboard boxes. I believe I am really a writer.

Do you do any writing other than fiction? Have you tried morning pages? How do you exercise your cranial creative capacity?

And Now, A Word From One of Our Judges

Over the years, I’ve judged several writing contests, local and nationwide. It’s an enjoyable way to give back to those organizations and the reading community, exposes me to new writers, and is an eye-opening experience. Today I’d like to briefly discuss what makes an award-winning novel.

It has to be outstanding, towering over the other submissions.

It should be simple, but barely five pages into any book, I can tell if it’s a quality publication, or one that falls short. You’re on your way if I’m engaged after the first five pages, but grab me on page one. Think Stephen King, the man who can catch me within the first paragraph, or James Lee Burke, whose writing voice is as smooth as a glass of good whiskey.

To help you along, here are a few suggestions.

  • First, find your writing Voice, and try to make it unique. This has been discussed ad nauseum here on the Killzone Blog, so do a search and read what the Masters have offered.
  • Please, please, I beg you, please avoid as many adverbs as possible. Yep, we’ve plowed that ground before, but really, “He peered around the bush sneakily.”

Good Lord. Just read that again. Her peered around the bush sneakily. Makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. Or this one, “he crossed the tarmac staggeringly,” is going to charge up my Crap Meter and if there are many more of these stinking piles, it goes into the “Nope” box after it bounces off the wall.

  • Let’s get this out of the way, too. At this stage in the evolution of AI, I can almost always (99%) of the time tell if it was written by a program and not a real person. For understanding, refer to those horrible emails you likely get each week that tries to extract money from your bank account by offering to promote your novel for mere pennies on the dollar.

“Dear Reavis, your book, The Texas Job is an excellent example of western noir, but it’s languishing in an unread desert like a tumbleweed in a western ghost town, but we can help with that. Let’s get this tumbleweed rolling toward potential readers….”

Or “I hope you’re doing well. I’m Natashia Smith and represent  Hagia, organiser at The Best Writers Life, a vibrant community of 1,500+ passionate readers, writers, and creators who love immersive historical fiction, powerful characters, and richly detailed frontier stories….”

I’m afraid AI will someday learn to cloak itself, but right now this style is as obvious as a Texas twister on the windswept plains…sorry about that.

But back to contest entries.

  • Find the proper starting point of your novel.

Many authors (and I was guilty of this as well way back when) begin with a Prologue, a device which used to work back in the days of John Saul, but hasn’t aged well. Though it’s possible to weave it properly, it can, and does work sometimes, but not often. Prologues are usually designed to bring tension and/or excitement at the outset, likely knowing in the back of the authors mind that the true beginning is slow.

Dig back into you manuscript and find where a scene truly grabs your readers attention without resorting to devices. Start there at the moment where action or tension arises.

And to build on that theme, your first sentence or paragraph should grab the reader by the throat!

Charlaine Harris opened Dead Until Dark like this. “I’d been waiting for the vampire for years when he walked into the bar.”

“The morning burned so August-hot, the marsh’s moist breath hung the oaks and pines with fog.” Delia Owens, Where the Crawdads Sing.

“All this happened, more or less.” Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five

Yep, that’ll get my attention. Why do I bring that up? Because as contest entries trickle in at the beginning, I’ll have time to sit back and hope the author will develop the plot and characters without wasting any more time, even though the beginning is rough. By the time the deadline rolls around, entries arrive at my doorstep in droves, and with the judges’ deadline looming, the book has to capture my attention, and that of the other judges, as soon as we open it up.

  • Give me something I haven’t seen a hundred times.
  • I need strong pacing and clean prose. For a Masters Course in both categories, read Texas author James Wade. He’s pushing Cormac McCarthy and Larry McMurtry out the back door.

  • Dialogue should be crisp, and mean something. I don’t need pages of two characters chatting each other up over tea and cookies about last night’s dinner party, unless it is the jumping off point of the novel. Save that for real life. Let’s get to the meat of the plot to keep me engaged.
  • No three-page info dumps or looooong descriptions of characters features and clothes. Scatter that necessary information throughout the novel so that it blends in and doesn’t stand out.
  • Less is more, when it comes to those same descriptions. John GIlstrap is the man to copy when it comes to his protagonist Jonathan Graves. He doesn’t give us details, but I know what the guy looks. like and would recognize him at an airport…along with Boxers. (Read his books to meet those guys.)
  • How about a fresh angle on a familiar genre. Tooting my own horn here, but I hope when Comancheria is in the hands of judges next year, they’ll see a different kind of western.

  • Judges will remember how a book makes them feel.

That last bullet point brings us to the aforementioned Cormac McCarthy who wrote Blood Meridian. I had to take a shower after the last page.

Florida Roadkill by Tim Dorsey left me reeling because of the plot, twists, and pure fun. It is one of the few books I immediately dove back into after The End. The second was Jeffery Deaver’s The October List. They both made me feel like I’d experienced something special and because they were so good, I almost raced through them too fast. I had to go back to truly absorb the brilliance of those two novels.

  • Lift your vocabulary. I don’t mean keep a thesaurus open on your computer or desk, but avoid common words. See above for the word “read.” Yep, I read those books, but found a different way to say it. I “experienced” them, “absorbed them,” and “raced through the stories because the action and pacing were perfect.
  • If sentences sound awkward, re-structure them.
  • Go line by line and delete or re-write every passive sentence you can find. “The tiles are delivered and the backsplash will be finished by this evening.” Or, “Safety glasses are worn by the entire crew to minimize the risk of injury.”

How about: The tiles arrived just in time to finish the backsplash by sundown.

Or: The crew wears safety glasses at all times while on the job.

Where did those two examples come from? Most HGTV programs. Listening to the narrator on many of these series is a crash course in passive sentences.

And finally, highlight the following.

  • The entry should be polished to excess, with no typos or layout problems.

That sounds simple, and typos get through in even the most carefully edited novels, but you’d be surprised how many times published works contain “their” or “there” for “they are.” Some say typos have no bearing on the quality of the story, but it’s the entire package an author should be concerned with, and run-on or misspelled words shriek a message of laziness and disrespect for the reader and their hard-earned cash.

Pure typos or misplaced apostrophes leap out at the reader. Sometimes I feel as if the author finished his or her manuscript without doing much more than a quick read then sent it on to be self-published. No fault if you want to go that route, many successful authors are self published, but find and pay an experience d editor to clean up your work.

These are just a few of the problems I’ve seen.

  • One additional note (and it has nothing to do with the quality of the novel itself), but the cover is my first introduction to your submission. If it looks like a second grader used clip art to wrap your novel, it won’t make a good impression. I know, that sounds bad, but it’s true. I speak from experience. Just look at this one of my own, which I’m afraid still hasn’t overcome that first impression. I argued with my publishers until I turned blue. They finally gave me an ultimatum, and I caved, but I wouldn’t do it again. When that publishing company was absorbed by another, the CEO, in a huge staff meeting, pointed at his cover on the screen and asked, “What the fudge were you thinking?”

Only she didn’t say fudge.

Would you pick up these familiar titles if this cover was the first time you saw them?

Probably not, and with that, good luck and may the best book win.

 

 

 

 

 

Reader Friday-When Did The Music Stop?

This post is taken from one I wrote a couple of years ago on my own website. Thought it fit nicely in today’s world. You can read the original here.


When Did The Music Stop?

I get up every morning at about the same time, drink water and coffee, talk to my husband, pet my dog. Then drink more coffee.

Then what do I do? Usually the biggest mistake of the day.

Open the news media sites.

Then say to myself, “When did the music stop?”

Yeah, you too?

 

 

Those media sites are cluttered with other kinds of people. The ones who yell at each other, redefine life on planet earth in their own image, put God on a paper airplane and throw him to the wind, then sit in his chair.

The planet they live on is not the one I want to live on.

Where have all the real people gone? You know, the ones who go to work, take care of themselves and their families, mow their lawns, fill up their tanks, and shop for groceries? And, dare I say, go to church on Saturdays or Sundays?

Kids on tricycles and bicycles and skates—the kind with keys—zooming up and down the sidewalks, playing kick the can and hide-and-go-seek, with parents and grandparents and neighbors cheer-leading from their front porches is the planet I’m from and want to get back to. Back to where some things were just not confusing . . . ya know what I mean?

Back to when homework was the first thing you did after school . . . after the peanut butter, mayo, and bologna sandwich, of course.

When talking to someone happened without a screen between you.

And people cared. About each other, about animals, and a smile didn’t hide an agenda and didn’t need a mask. A smile was just a smile, the way God intended it to be. A handshake meant something and we weren’t afraid to touch someone else’s fingers.

Back to when we watched the TV–not the other way around.

Where did that world go? It slid away from us a long time ago and maybe hit a few snags along the way, like when Woodward and Bernstein were on it BlueBonnet . . . but now here we are. And we don’t even know where here is.

 Again, when did the music stop? Okay, take a breath, Deb.

I think it’s still there. We just have to listen with better ears.

 

 

After I get some more coffee, I’m going outside to see if I can hear it.

See ya out there!

 

 

 

 

 

Almost Full Circle?

Almost Full Circle?
Terry Odell

Lately, I’ve seen a growing number of authors choosing to take selling books into their own hands. I get it. Selling through the “usual channels” means sacrificing a chunk of the profits. Plus, people are stopping making purchases from certain outlets for personal reasons. With sales from the Big Store dropping, or a desire to stop sharing revenue, I can understand indie authors wanting to find other ways to make up for lost sales.

My thoughts? Note: This post is focused on e-books.

This takes me back to the pre-Kindle days, when ebooks were starting out, and e-publishers were popping up like mushrooms after a rain. These were actual “publishers.” You had to submit your book, it had to be accepted, and most likely went through an editorial process. How rigorous that process was varied.

They had an art department that designed a cover. How much input an author had varied there, too. Some accepted suggestions. Other said if your name and the title were spelled correctly, that was it.

For these publishers, your book lived on their site, and people had to go there to buy it. If you published different books with several of these, then a fan might have to go to each site separately to buy the books.

Here are some of the early ebook pioneers.

Ellora’s Cave, and its offshoot, Cerridwen Press
Loose ID
Samhain Publishing
Fictionwise
eHarlequin/Harlequin Digital
The Wild Rose Press, which is still around.  (I was their first outside contracted author back in the day, when their main offering was short romances.)
Liquid Silver Books

There were no e-readers then, either. You read on your computer, a PDA, Palm Pilot, or printed the book. PDF was a common format. Anyone remember Rocketbook/.rb?

A while later, other sites (still pre-Kindle) would let you put your books up for sale in their “stores.” This meant you didn’t have to get approval, and you could put your book on more than one site. A step toward one-stop-shopping, although most had a specific genre focus.

Some examples:

Fictionwise
eReader.com
All Romance eBooks
Diesel eBook Store

Most met their demise once Amazon and the Kindle joined the party.

At the time, my genre was romantic suspense, so I was publishing at venues that targeted romance readers. If someone bought their books from All Romance ebooks, then by golly, I was going to make sure mine were there, even if it was a single reader who requested it.

Now, with authors creating their own storefronts, it’s come almost full circle. I’m not a big fan. If I want to shop, I want to look at books from lots of authors. I don’t want to have to bounce from one site to another, buying from author A here, author B there, and author C somewhere else.

Does this mean I might miss books by excellent authors? Probably. Heck, I already deal with that because I buy my books from Barnes & Noble.

There are plenty of excellent authors who prefer to go wide and make their books available to as many outlets as possible. If I really want a book by an author who’s not at B&N, I go to my library. I’m not going to get into a “which is better, wide or exclusive”? argument here. Those are personal decisions.

I also have no plans to open my own storefront. Too much bookkeeping, more hoops to jump through, and there are still costs of doing business. I’m lazy.

Your thoughts? Shopping from multiple author storefronts or the one-stop-shopping at the major ebook stores, such as Kobo, Barnes & Noble, Apple, or Amazon?

Authors, do you have a storefront? How’s it working for you?


New! Find me at Substack with Writings and Wanderings

Deadly Ambitions
Peace in Mapleton doesn’t last. Police Chief Gordon Hepler is already juggling a bitter ex-mayoral candidate who refuses to accept election results and a new council member determined to cut police department’s funding.
Meanwhile, Angie’s long-delayed diner remodel uncovers an old journal, sparking her curiosity about the girl who wrote it. But as she digs for answers, is she uncovering more than she bargained for?
Now, Gordon must untangle political maneuvering, personal grudges, and hidden agendas before danger closes in on the people he loves most.
Deadly Ambitions delivers small-town intrigue, political tension, and page-turning suspense rooted in both history and today’s ambitions.

Preorder now


Terry Odell is an award-winning author of Mystery and Romantic Suspense, although she prefers to think of them all as “Mysteries with Relationships.”

Weird Words

Merriam-Webster 1847-1947 dictionary now on my iPad | Flickr

Photo credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/spelio/8246404410, CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

 

by Debbie Burke

Writers love words, the weirder the better. Here’s a selection of unusual words and phrases that were unfamiliar to me until recently.

JUST DESERTS – This isn’t a new phrase but for many years, I spelled it wrong. I always assumed it was “desserts” (like cake and ice cream) because that’s how it’s pronounced. Turns out the correct spelling is “deserts.” A savvy TKZ follower (sorry, I can’t remember who) provided the correction. Thanks!

The original phrase came from 16th century Latin. Just deserte meant “what is deserved.” Back then, it could refer to either reward or punishment. Over time, it took on a negative connotation. When someone did something bad, they had a comeuppance and got what they deserved. In crime fiction, when a villain is caught, they get their just deserts.

Why doesn’t someone start a business that’s a combination mystery bookstore and bakery? Call it “Just Desserts.”

A big thank you to a knowledgeable reader of British military history who introduced me to the following three examples:

INFRA DIG – This is a British slang term meaning “beneath one’s dignity” or “lower than one’s status.” The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as an adjective. Borrowed from the Latin phrase infra dignitatem, its earliest known use was traced to Sir Walter Scott in 1824.

Example: A snobbish author may feel it’s infra dig to have to do their own marketing. They’re in for a comeuppance.

OLQ – More British slang that’s an acronym for “officer-like qualities.” It’s used to describe enlisted personnel who have the potential to be promoted to officer ranks. Traditionally, social class was important in English military hierarchy. Due to family status, someone could automatically become an officer, whereas a person without social standing had to work extremely hard to be promoted.

COR BLIMEY or GOR BLIMEY – A British exclamation of surprise, shock, or anger. Cor or Gor are substitutions for the word “God” and are used to avoid the blasphemy of taking the Lord’s name in vain. Blimey is an abbreviated Cockney pronunciation for “blind me.” Therefore, cor blimey means “God blind me.” The term is firmly established in British slang and is the title of a 2000 TV movie.

 

SYNECDOCHE and METONYMY – These are literary terms that refer to using part of a phrase as an abbreviated substitute for the entire phrase. Oregon State University offers a helpful video to explain these related but slightly different definitions.

 

Dr. Virginia Apgar examines a newborn. Photo credit: Wikimedia

APGAR test or score – This is a quick assessment of a newborn’s condition administered by medical providers at timed intervals, the first within one minute following birth, then followed at five minutes following birth. It’s the acronym of:

A – appearance

P – pulse rate

G – grimace (indicates responsiveness)

A – activity

R – respiration

Little-known fact: the APGAR test or score is named for Dr. Virginia Apgar, an obstetric anesthesiologist and university professor who devised the test in 1952. Her mission was to reduce infant mortality by quickly recognizing problematic symptoms so they could be treated promptly.

 

This last phrase is from a crusty, cranky guy who’s done contracting work at my house. Mark  brags he’s never read a book in his life, but he comes up with colorful expressions like this one:

“The sun sometimes hits a dog’s ass.”

~~~

TKZers: Do you recognize any of these examples? Do you have your own favorite weird word or phrase to share?

~~~

 

 

Is your writing group looking for a speaker? I’m scheduling zoom classes based on The Villain’s Journey-How to Create Villains Readers Love to Hate and would love to talk with your group. Please check out the book and email me at debbie@debbieburkewriter.com

From Cockpit to Keyboard: What ‘Aviate, Navigate, Communicate’ Teaches Novelists

Never wait for trouble. —Chuck Yeager

* * *

 “Aviate. Navigate. Communicate.”

When I was taking private pilot lessons, my instructor drilled this three-word phrase into me in every lesson as essential to successful flying. Although you need to keep all three of these skills in mind and not fixate on any one of them, there is a priority order.

Aviate. Fly the plane. This is always first. The pilot must maintain the altitude, airspeed, and position in the air (attitude). Things can get busy in the cockpit, and a mechanical failure or some other unanticipated issue can divert a pilot’s attention from simply flying the plane. The Society of Aviation and Flight Educators notes:

A famous example of failure to follow the established aviation priorities is the crash of Eastern Airlines Flight 401. In December 1972, the crew of a Lockheed L-1011 TriStar became focused on the malfunction of a landing gear position indicator light for the nose gear. The plane subsequently descended into the Everglades northwest of Miami, killing 101 of the 176 people on board (two people died more than seven days after the accident).

Navigate. When you’re flying an aircraft, you need to know where you are and where you’re going. Whether the pilot is navigating or there’s a separate navigator onboard, their job is to monitor the flight and make adjustments as needed to get the plane to its destination. Mistakes in navigation can lead to loss of situational awareness and accidents.

Communicate. Air Traffic Control is the pilot’s friend. They direct flights to keep safe distances between planes and provide instructions for safe takeoffs and landings. Pilots communicate with ATC using protocols that must be followed or the communication fails. For example, the English language is the standard established by the International Civil Aviation Organization (ICAO) to ensure safety and clear communication. On initial contact with ATC, the pilot uses the “4 W’s” (who you’re calling, who you are, where you are, what you want).

* * *

From Cockpit to Keyboard

It seems like everything I do relates back to writing these days. Fortunately, a failure in the writing process isn’t as dangerous as in flying, but we might be able to map Aviate, Navigate, Communicate onto the writer’s job. Here’s a simplified look at the process:

Aviate: Write the book. Keep it moving forward. Don’t decide to clean out that closet once again because you’re looking for an excuse to avoid writing. And don’t rewrite Chapter One for the fortieth time to get it just right. TKZers: How do you keep moving forward? Do you allocate a certain number of words or hours per day to your work? How long does it take you to write a novel? 

Navigate: While you’re writing, keep an eye on where you’re going. Does each scene move the story forward, or are you getting bogged down in unnecessary subplots or long, boring backstory? TKZers: How do you avoid getting off course when writing?

Communicate: Editors, critique partners, and beta readers are the author’s friends. Use their input to revise and polish the story. Clear communication will enable the author to make the necessary changes. TKZers: What types of communication do you use to improve the final product?

* * *

So TKZers: Do you use a method like “Aviate, Navigate, Communicate” to complete your novels? Tell us about it.

 * * *

 

 

Knights in Manhattan begins on a flight that has encountered rough air. But there may be more turbulence inside the cabin than outside the airplane.

Click the image to go to the Amazon book page.