For your reading pleasure, we have the first 400 words of a novel submitted by an anonymous and brave author. It takes guts to share your baby with others on a public forum. I’ll provide my feedback below. Please share your constructive criticism in your comments.
The Edge
Naomi white-knuckled her steering wheel, working to stave off a panic attack as she drove eastbound on Route 50 toward Annapolis and the sanctuary of home. She’d flicked off the radio, as there was nothing but hurricane talk, so she didn’t even have that to distract her.
Where is the person I used to be? Or did I just think I was once someone different?
She focused on calming her breathing. The last thing she wanted was to have an all-out panic attack in full view of other post-work commuters while hurtling down the highway at seventy miles per hour. Her mind conjured a vision of losing control of the car and sailing off the side of the road into the trees. Then it skipped to crossing the median and into oncoming traffic, a reversal of what had happened to Wolfe’s late wife. Such thoughts and visions had to be beaten off with all the will she could muster.
“Get… a… grip,” she hissed, teeth clenched. Picture home.
She steered by rote, brushing aside more creeping mental images of passing out or having a heart attack—which only served to feed the anxiety. Inhaling, exhaling, one breath at a time, she slowly recovered some sense of control. Tension eased and her shoulders dropped. Calmer, her thoughts now turned to mulling over the day’s biggest challenge: the point at which she’d had to put on a neutral face while quashing down her humiliation.
Her phone rang, interrupting her thoughts. She tapped her hands-free device. “Hello?”
“Hey. How’s it going?”
Despite the blasting artificial chill of the car’s AC, warmth flooded her face and neck at the sound of Wolfe’s voice—and the news she had to tell him.
“I’m okay,” she answered, keeping her tone even.
“Uh oh. What happened?” His laconic voice belied an intensity and intelligence she admired, and which she believed many people didn’t immediately appreciate.
“I didn’t get it. I guess they just don’t see me as a leader. Sorry I didn’t call you earlier. I confess I was licking my wounds.”
He was silent a moment. “I’m sorry to hear that. You know they made a mistake in not giving it to you, right? Did you at least throw something at the person who got your promotion?”
“Clint got it. I guess they think he’s more qualified. Things work out like they’re supposed to, I hear.”
GENERAL COMMENTS
Before I give my feedback, I wanted to share my thoughts on where to start a novel. Since I am a thriller/crime fiction writer, I tend to start with a body or an act of violence or action that will change my protagonist’s life and tip it like a first domino colliding with others. An inciting incident disrupts the status quo and stirs things up in an intriguing way for the reader. It jump starts the story arcs and kicks off the plot to take its course.
An example of this is found in the first Hunger Games book where the inciting incident is a ‘district’ lottery drawing that forces Katniss into taking the place of her little sister in a fight to the death broadcast on a futuristic television show. That incident is a punch to the emotional gut of the reader who MUST turn the page to find out what happens.
But what if your inciting incident isn’t that dramatic? What can you do to strengthen your opener?
Point of No Return – One benchmark for a solid inciting incident is that the protagonist can’t retreat once it starts. There should be a point of no return where the hero/heroine is forced to step out of his or her comfort zone and head into the abyss, to take a risk they hadn’t seen coming or that forces them into confronting their worst fears. It’s the author’s job to set the stage for the reader to discover why the hero or heroine deserves a starring role.
HERE is a link to a plotting method I’ve posted on my website under my FOR WRITERS section. It features the “W” plotting method and mentions the point of no return.
To Go Forward, You Sometimes have to Step Back – Ask yourself, what is my story about, the main thrust of the plot? Let’s call that a demarcation line. Now step back to a point where you find your protagonist, living in relative obscurity. What will drive him or her into stepping toward that demarcation line? What will stir, incite, or force them into making a move they might not otherwise? Then ask what would make that move a one-way trip? What is their point of no return, line in the sand moment? Picture a burned out mercenary, living as a hermit in the jungles of Venezuela, when a nun running an orphanage crosses his path. Their meeting may not be the point of no return, but when the villain in your story makes it his business to force the mercenary’s hand (threatening the children or the nun), the anti-hero takes action and can no longer live in obscurity. He’s forced to give up his life of anonymity and face his demons in order to do the right thing.
Questions to Ask About Your Inciting Incident to Make it Stronger:
1.) Review your current WIP for your inciting incident. Does it propel your protagonist (or even your antagonist) into your plot arcs?
2.) Is the inciting incident big enough to sustain a novel or propel it forward in a meaningful and realistic way? Are there enough building turning points to make it a journey?
3.) Are the stakes high enough to make the reader care?
4.) Does the inciting incident influence or jump start the main story question for your plot?
5.) Can your hero or heroine retreat from the inciting incident or is it significant enough to force a change into a new direction? In other words, do you have a legitimate point of no return where they are forced to cross that proverbial line in the sand?
FEEDBACK
I generally liked that the author started with Naomi white-knuckled behind a steering wheel, knowing there is a hurricane headed toward Annapolis (although Naomi quickly deflates that tension by wanting the distraction of the radio over ‘hurricane talk’). I looked up the area and hurricanes have hit this part of the country with devastating results in loss of lives.
But the minute Naomi retreated into her head, asking where her old self had gone, it was a head fake into a different direction that stutter-stepped into the next paragraph. In paragraph 3, there is more faked or forced emotion that takes place in her head, with an emphasis on “telling” what she’s feeling. The fabricated suspense of imagined car accidents and panic attacks are quickly deflated when Naomi gets a call and she says, “I’m okay.” The imaginary incidents reminded me of Calista Flockhart in Ally McBeal where her inner thoughts were more exciting and dramatic than her real life, but those were done with dark humor and dancing babies as her biological clock ticked down.
I had to wonder, as an aside, where Naomi could drive 70 mph on a packed commuter highway. It’s hard to tell if the other cars are stopped and she’s the only one careening across the lanes and through trees, since the action only takes place in her head.
I don’t know if the author intended for the reference to the death of Wolfe’s late wife by car accident is intentional and a foreshadowing. Let’s hope so, but I was confused by the description “a reversal of what had happened…,” deciphering between Naomi’s imagination and what might’ve happened to his wife. That description forced me to reread and I still didn’t understand.
In the dialogue we learn that she has lost a job promotion to someone else, Clint, and she seems to accept it like a worn welcome mat. The reader doesn’t know what she does for a living either. It’s hard to relate to Naomi or get invested in her life with an opener that is more about misdirection.
The author is capable of writing a suspenseful scene. There are good parts to this submission if the author can stay focused on visualizing the fictional world through Naomi’s eyes and how her emotions manifest in her body or her senses (showing rather than telling), but when the narrative drifts to imagined car accidents, fake heart attacks or passing out at the wheel, these descriptions read as ‘over the top’ and forced emotions as more of Naomi’s story is revealed about her losing a promotion to Clint, a co-worker.
Since we don’t know from this limited 400 word submission which direction the plot will go or what genre this is, we won’t know if Naomi is a mild-mannered woman capable of hiring a hit man to take out Clint to get her promotion or doing that job herself with hours spent at a gun range. Or did the author intend for this to be a taste of Naomi’s world until the hurricane hits and she discovers what’s really important in her life? We simply don’t know.
I think the author would have a more compelling start if the contrived emotions were stripped from this intro and we get to know more about Naomi and care about her. There’s a lot of pressure to getting a lot packed into 400 words, but this intro could orient the reader into Naomi’s world with the hint of foreshadowing where the story will go. It doesn’t have to be all action and suspense when the story is a drama about a woman’s struggle to find balance in her life and how she makes a dynamic change to make to happen. How would that story look?
Maybe Naomi has been hit in the teeth by losing another promotion to a better candidate because she is overlooked at every turn, but the impending hurricane forces her out of her comfort zone and she confronts her demons that change her forever. I would read that story.
DISCUSSION
1.) What feedback would you give this author, TKZers?
2.) What tips do you have for finding the right place to start your story?
I really like the author’s potential. She got my attention at the beginning, but by the time I finished reading the excerpt, and without knowing what direction the story is headed in, I was thinking to myself “All this drama and she just lost a promotion?” The reaction seemed too strong for an event that is a rather mundane life event in the grand scheme of things–especially if there is an approaching hurricane. On the other hand, w/a little tweaking, it could be a humorous opening moment, a play on the ‘drama queen’ phrase we joke about.
Was also a bit confused by the mention of “Wolfe”—since my mind is always thinking books, I thought Naomi was a book reader and somehow bringing the writer of that name into the story.
I would probably read the next page to see if there really was more to it than an over-reaction to a promotion loss, but after that, not sure. The author can write tension–the question for me is if the tension is within the confines of a believable scenario.
All the drama in her head made me appreciate why she may not have been the best candidate for the job, if she over-dramatizes everything. In this case, I’m sensing author intrusion, to get the drama artificially elevated to add a forced tension that doesn’t belong.
As you said, BK, she lost a job, something commonplace. Without a proper spot to start this story, the reader is virtually stuck in Naomi’s head as her imagination kicks into overdrive with fabricated drama. It feels like a cheat, but as I said, I think this author can write suspense. It just has to make sense and have believable build up. Thanks for your comment, BK.
Nothing much to add about the structure and confusing tensions in this excerpt–Jordan and BK Jackson have said it. My reaction was that it felt overdone and the ideas were out of order. The Stimulus and Response tool can help with this.
Perhaps the writer emphasizes car accidents at the beginning to hint at an old wound (old wounds are great and necessary!), when the real story is about lost promotions and sexism, or maybe the writer intended it to foreshadow an upcoming accident, but too much time is spent on the hint and not enough on the real story, whatever it is. Sometimes, less is more.
I do have two comments about the writing, since they jumped out at me, and they both relate to word choice.
The first is the use of the speech attribution, “hissed.” There’s not a single “s” sound in the dialogue. (Leaving aside the whole discussion of speech tags and the pros and cons of the invisible said, etc.)
The second word that threw me was “belied,” so I rushed to dictionary.com to see if it meant what I thought it meant:
“verb (used with object), belied, belying.
“1. to show to be false; contradict: His trembling hands belied his calm voice.
“2. to misrepresent: The newspaper belied the facts.”
And then I went back to the writer’s text, and I realized that technically, the word is used correctly, and yet the whole sentence feels overworked and a bit unclear. I like the characterization beginning here, but the meaning is not clear enough. If Wolff is a dramatic character, then it’s probably worth re-wording the sentence to make it clearer.
Which brings up the question of the use of “laconic.” I usually ace all those vocabulary tests, but, again, I went to dictionary.com to check the meaning. Okay, so the guy uses few words or expresses much in a few words, or is concise. I’m not sure that people would overlook his intensity or intelligence even if he’s a man of few words. Maybe he’s laid-back instead?
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that you don’t want your readers running to the dictionary twice in the same paragraph–twice in the entire book might be okay. Here, the rest of the writing is targeted, it seems, at the average reader, and the character’s voice, so far, doesn’t appear overly erudite. The two words I’ve mentioned felt jarring to me, not in keeping with the rest of the wording of the piece. Maybe evidence of trying too hard?
I, too, would like a better idea of what this story is going to be about, but this excerpt confused me. Despite the writer’s talent for creating tension, I probably would not read more. Fortunately, the journey toward excellent writing never reaches its destination, but it’s tons of fun on the way.
Good stuff, Sheryl. Thank you.
This is another example of the “character alone, thinking scenes” (CATS) which was the subject of my recent post. IOW, we don’t care about the character’s emotional thoughts until we know her. We can get a hint of Naomi’s immediate state from how she drives and her breathing. But just a hint. Concentrate on the action. One of my common bits of advice in these matters is to get to some dialogue as soon as possible, for that is action. And don’t feel like you have to reveal a lot of info up front. One way I might start this is as follows:
Naomi white-knuckled her steering wheel, working to stave off a panic attack as she drove eastbound on Route 50 toward Annapolis and the sanctuary of home. She focused on calming her breathing. The last thing she wanted was to have an all-out panic attack in full view of other post-work commuters while hurtling down the highway at seventy miles per hour.
Her phone rang. She tapped her hands-free device. “Hello?”
“Hey. How’s it going?”
Despite the blasting artificial chill of the car’s AC, warmth flooded her face and neck at the sound of Wolfe’s voice.
“I didn’t get it,” she said.
He was silent a moment. “Did you at least throw something at the person who got your promotion?”
“Clint. I guess they think he’s more qualified. Things work out like they’re supposed to, I hear.”
I was just commenting to BK about the CATS thing. I like what you added about not caring about the character until the reader gets to know Naomi and dialogue would definitely help. Your rewrite works better, but I would want to know why she is so invested in this job that she still overreacts and is on the verge of a full panic attack. That is missing. The dialogue reads as chit chat for someone so upset.
It would be good to add the potential for conflict, or an understanding of why she is dreading telling Wolfe about it, if Wolfe is controlling. Men often want to “fix” things and that could feed into her insecurity. We don’t see Naomi as vulnerable yet.
But I like how your suggestion on the dialogue draws the reader into the story by not over-explaining.
Brave author,
Your writing is skillful. You’ve got the craft well in hand. But…
Jordan homed in on the main problems–choices and strategy, which are challenging to fix. I felt you kept leading up to what might be suspenseful foreshadowing. But then you backed off and let it drop, deflating the tension. The hurricane is mentioned, then dropped; the accident that killed Wolfe’s wife mentioned, then dropped; the potential for the protagonist’s own accident mentioned, then dropped.
My interest really perked up when Wolfe called, asking what happened. Immediately the expectation was raised that the protag had something to do with the death of Wolfe’s wife. Were she and Wolfe co-conspirators? Or had she acted w/o Wolfe’s knowledge to get rid of her rival? You got my imagination revved up with questions…only to disappoint with the realization all the preceding angst was due to losing a promotion.
Choosing where to start a story is a daunting challenge that’s nearly impossible to get right on the first try…or the second…or the thirty-seventh! Do you have beta readers or a critique group? Sometimes, outsiders can guide you to a better starting place for the story.
However, writing buddies may pull their punches. So cold feedback from objective readers you don’t know is more valuable.
Having my own first pages critiqued by TKZ was a huge revelation. These smart folks give some of the best input you’ll ever receive.
Another helpful source is Ray Rhamey’s Flogging the Quill, where you can post your first chapter. Readers vote if they would turn the page–yes, no, or almost.
Don’t despair, you’ve got the potential for an exciting start.
Good tips, Debbie. Thanks for the resource, too. As for groups, I’ve found most people are comfortable with telling someone about a typo, but bigger picture structural issues are rarely mentioned, even if they are spotted. Also, reading in a group only has a few isolated pages detailed, but then the group moves on and the story structure is forgotten or can’t be seen. That’s why we all spend so much time rehashing an opener. It’s the biggest challenge for me.
So I like your resource since it focuses on the first chapter and poses a question about whether someone would read on. Thank you.
Not sure if I liked this or not. However, I do have some comments.
I think that you have a missed opportunity here to give us a bit more about the character. She is driving in horrible weather, it could easily kill her. Instead of thinking about how it could kill her, maybe she could think about what might happen if it killed her. Would they even miss her at work? (without much detail) That way when Wolfe calls and she is so casual about not getting the promotion we, the reader, will see the conflict between what she is feeling and what she is saying. Granted I am just assuming she’s not happy about it.
The reverse of what happened to Wolfe’s wife was clear to me. Here we have someone thinking about crossing the median and killing another driver – so doesn’t that mean someone crossed the median and killed Wolfe’s wife?
The opening line – Naomi white-knuckled her steering wheel – ‘white-knuckled’ was too cliche of a description for me. A bit of cliché is not a problem later on in the story, but not for the first line.
‘She’d flicked off the radio, as there was nothing but hurricane talk, so she didn’t even have that to distract her.’ I had a few problems with that line.
1. … so she didn’t even have that to distract her. Was she hoping the radio would be a distraction but there is nothing ‘good’ to distract her? And if that’s the case it doesn’t really go with the ‘not dying’ in a wreck idea. Or was she hoping for a distraction from her thoughts – if so maybe you could say that.
2. I think the sentence would be better written the other way around. There was nothing but hurricane talk, she’d flicked off the radio.
3. Is this a switch in tense- yes, no? The first sentence is present tense, but is this sentence in past tense?
Thanks, Michelle. Good input for this author.
Awesome feedback, both from Jordan and in the comments. You’re a lucky writer! Here’s my two-cents for what it’s worth.
Your first line works: “Naomi white-knuckled her (nitpick: use “the”) steering wheel, working to stave off a panic attack as she drove eastbound on Route 50 toward Annapolis and the sanctuary of home.” And then, we find out a hurricane is heading her way. Though Jordan’s right. You deflated the tension with the second line. I don’t know about you, but I’d be glued to that radio. A hurricane heading my way? You can bet I’d want every little detail, the more information the better.
What if the hurricane hit early? And what if Naomi hadn’t made it home before it hit? Now, that would make a gripping first page, especially for those of us who’ve never experienced a hurricane. It must be terrifying! Show us. Force us to experience 180 mph winds. The sound alone must be deafening, never mind trying to steer your vehicle. What do hurricanes smell like? Do the downpours cause a moldy smell? In natural disasters is there a certain scent that’s so powerful you can taste it? How could you see out the windshield? Would the tires lift off the pavement, or would Naomi’s vehicle still have traction since it’s only at the beginning stages? Choose a tiny detail and expand on it. I envision sensory overload. Rational thoughts scrambling. Blinded by rain. Deafening cries for help behind screaming, whipping winds. Trees uprooting along the side of the road. You could really make this scene come alive.
Would other drivers ban together to help one another, or would Naomi be left on her own? What’s the protocol for motorists when hurricanes hit? For those of us who’ve never experienced the terror of a natural disaster, we’d be hooked. Grab us by the throat and force us into that scene! This would also allow you to gain empathy for Naomi, which you need in order for us to care about what happens to her. Save the loss of promotion for later, as one more reason why Naomi’s life is spiraling out of control. Even if the loss of promotion is the inciting incident, your initial hook can be the hurricane. Food for thought.
I have no doubt you can turn this first page into a thrilling experience. You’re off to a good start, Brave Writer.
Great questions to stir the imagination, Sue. Love this.
We simply don’t know enough about where this story is headed, but this intro is missing something that we’ve all hinted around. Hopefully this will get the author’s creative juices flowing. Good stuff.
Sue,
Re your comment about the hurricane. I love me my metaphors and the incoming hurricane is a potential beaut here. There is turmoil in this woman’s life (although losing a job isn’t enough drama, as others have said.) But if you mention weather in an opening, make it mean something. You’d have to be subtle, but an incoming storm parallels the upset in her own life. Just a thought…
I love this. I really like a purposeful setting. Well said.
Love this, Kris. I have a friend who lives in Florida, and that’s exactly how she viewed the recent hurricane, as mirroring the turmoil in her life. It also gave her hope, because much like the storm, the sun will rise again.
The sources of tension in this scene are predominantely external: traffic, work, weather. This is fine, but tension that arise from internal sources is so much more compelling. And it is waiting there for the writer. Why is she speeding? Why is it so important to get home? Why isn’t the call from work treated like an interruption? That’s what I want to know.
Also, knowing Naomi’s motivation (concern, fear, etc.) could make us like her (or hate her) and tell us more about her as a person.
Internal tension can drive events and events can drive internal emotion. How cool is that? Playing with just that can make a thriller sing.
Lecture over.
A great way to put it, Brian. Thank you for expanding our view.
I’m sorry to overload you, writer, but here’s my thoughts.
I’ve been struggling with an opening for my WIP for months now, and I think I’ve got the right feel to it now. It was a fine balance between showing the protagonist’s strength and vulnerability. The first few tries were too vulnerable–so her actions afterword weren’t believable–the other tries made her too strong so she wasn’t likable. The differences between my openings was a matter of seconds. Vulnerable–she started off in her bedroom. Too strong–started out at the very front of her house about to escape. My current beginning–right outside the bedroom door. I feel that your opening is a matter of finding the right second to start at.
As of right now, I feel Naomi is too vulnerable. If I read the whole story, even if it was a killer story, I would not trust Naomi’s judgment simply because of her overdramatic thinking now.
However, I feel it can easily be cleared up by changing the focus of the scene. Maybe she’s had this overactive imagination from childhood, and she’s super frustrated with herself for getting hysterical. To support that–if this is really who your character is–I would suggest starting with her flicking off the radio, her nerves frazzled by the news of a hurricane on top of everything else that has happened.
Of course, this is your story, and we don’t know who your character is or where the story is going. Which is completely fine on a first page. I’ve noticed that when the first page hits the right spot, TKZ doesn’t care where the story goes.
I love the balance between strength and vulnerability, and how a subtle nuance can change things in seconds. Nicely put, Az. Thanks for joining the party.
I’ve found that as a critic or an author, a subtle reference can make all the difference to make things click. We’ve all danced around this critique, but some turns of phrase or examples can turn on a light bulb for this author. Your perspective adds to our conversation. Thank you.
Don’t know if this is any help, writer, but I have been struggling with my own opening for months now. I had an opening much like yours…a character caught in James’s CAT moment, thinking and pondering and woe-is-me-ing about his life. I knew it stunk but I couldn’t figure out WHERE the real entry point for my story was.
You know how I solved this? I went back and wrote a prologue. (gag gag). It was a dream sequence (barf, barf!) And it sorta cool in that it was full of danger and tension, but it had no organic connection to what came next.
It was crap. I knew it. I threw it out and started over.
The new beginning still opens with my character thinking about where he is at this point in his life. But I found a way to inject honest tension in this scene. It is almost like one of James’s Man in the Mirror moments but it comes as the opening gambit — my protag is about to take a new cop job working for the man who once took away his badge and almost his life. It’s a second chance but at what cost? It’s the classic Faustian bargain. I think it works. At the least it sets up the high stakes for the rest of the story.
So, I guess your challenge is finding a way to make us care about the STAKES for your protag. Losing a job or promotion is too generic. Look for the real source of her journey and ask yourself — what, at the deepest level of her heart, what does Naomi want? (the job? I doubt it’s that superficial). I had to ask this question of my guy and it took me two drafts and seven months to figure it out.
Good luck.
Sometimes writing a “prior” scene (avoiding the term Prologue if the added scene becomes the start), can help jog loose an idea or insight into your character. It’s a great tip that can work.
Mystery elements can enhance a CATS scene to raise compelling intrigue, like Naomi worried over telling Wolfe about her promotion results when she gets home (without explanation), or that she needed the money for a reason she holds inside. Maybe she flashes back to a childhood memory, only a glimpse at why this failure has been a lifetime coming.
It sounds like you found a good solution that works for your story. Thanks, Kris. Good stuff.
Wow. Great critique to start, Jordan, and so much more critical goodness in the comments.
I, too, felt a bit of emotional whiplash in the scene. A lot of introspection, a lot of self-flagellation. I may be the only one bugged about her being concerned about having a panic attack in front of other drivers–I’m not sure why. She’s too in control. Too distant from her emotion. The juxtaposition of the hurricane with her personal disaster feels critical. I want impending doom, and lots of it.
That said, I would’ve started the story back in the company parking lot with her jabbing a pocketknife she had in her purse into one of Clint’s tires–acting completely out of her obviously carefully-controlled personality. I want a sense of her strength, an idea that she has lost a little bit of control.
As several other folks have mentioned, you have terrific prose skills, Brave Author. Amping up the energy, the risk, and spooling out the events more carefully will help make this a dynamite story.
I love your insight about her control. That is definitely worth pursuing. The tire sabotage is such a small thing, yet could be powerful if it’s written without much explanation at first. Showing vs telling is far more intriguing. I love it, Laura. It’s so YOU.
Thanks for sharing your work with us, brave writer.
I agree that this novel begins in the wrong place. Anne R. Allen wrote a great blog post on things that flag newbie novelists (http://annerallen.com/2014/09/10-things-that-red-flag-newbie-novelis/). As Anne says in her article, think twice about scenes with characters en route musing about things that have already happened. In this opening, the reader learns that the protagonist didn’t get the job she wanted, but the reader has no reason to care about the protagonist. Why was the job so important to her? Why should the reader want to root for her?
Also, in any kind of dialogue, including phone conversations, it isn’t necessary to make the reader suffer through things like:
“Hello?”
“Hey. How’s it going?”
etc.
Seasoned writers find ways to zero in on the important stuff. You don’t want to waste first page real estate for boring chit chat.
If you want the readers to feel something for your character, show them the character doing something interesting at work that would merit a promotion. Definitely fill the reader in on what kind of work she does. Read the first scene of the movie Erin Brokovich (https://sfy.ru/?script=erin_brockovich). Ask yourself why the reader cares whether or not she gets that job working for the doctor. Then think about how you can make the reader of your story care about your protagonist. You must properly introduce your readers to the protagonist in a memorable way.
Best of luck with your story, and keep writing!
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