photo by Laura Benedict
It’s a veritable feast of First Page Critiques this week here at Kill Zone. No one planned it this way, but it sure is fun. Today, we have a Fearless Writer and the opening of The Root of Atlan. The actual submission is just below, then my comments.
I hope you’ll weigh in as well.
The Root of Atlan
Day One
I woke to an excruciating headache and shouting. The last thing I remembered was walking through the airport after my flight and then what seemed like a bolt of lightning. When I pried my watering eyes open I found it was twilight or predawn and there were torches all around me. It hadn’t felt like I was unconscious but I definitely wasn’t where I had started and I was a bit groggy. I was surrounded by a number of other people, all of us lying on a circle of odd black stone ringed by tall stone pylons and mud.
My breath steamed in the chill air. Surrounding us were about fifteen men holding torches. They were dressed in brown leather armor and looked like they had stepped out of a fantasy novel. Looking closer at them I could see that they weren’t, strictly speaking, men. At least, not like men from home. Their faces resembled a cross between human and gorilla with dark ash-brown skin, receding chins with heavy jaws, and short, pushed-in noses surmounted by bald heads. Their faces were tattooed heavily.
They were armed with short, heavy swords and they were all heavily muscled. Overall, they made Neanderthals look elegant and poised in comparison. They were shouting at us incomprehensibly and I could see from the faces of my fellow travelers that they didn’t understand either.
A new group of the ape-men came into the circle of torches and began tying our hands behind us. When one of them got to me I fought back as best I could. I had been raped once and refused to be a victim again. Since I had spent the years since the rape learning how to defend myself, my best was actually pretty good despite my weakness and grogginess. It eventually took three of them working together to get me pinned so they could tie me up. I was not going to go along quietly with whatever they had planned.
Being tied up was never a start to anything good unless safe words and mutual consent were involved. I ended up wrapped up almost like a mummy and bruised over a significant portion of my body.
I wasn’t the only one who fought back, or even the most successful. One guy actually managed to get away, the last I saw of him was with a couple ape-men in hot pursuit, but I didn’t think he was going to make it. They moved pretty fast for their bulk and they looked angry. The rest of us were herded out of the muddy clearing we were in and down a path through some woods. The light grew as we headed out, but we missed the sunrise due to the heavy cloud cover.
We hiked for a couple hours until we came to an encampment. Off to one side, there were lines of what were almost horses if you could picture them with horns and split lips like a springbok. Their hides were brown and tan with barring or stripes in black and medium brown.
We were herded to the center of the encampment and ropes were tied around our necks. The ropes were then staked to the ground so that we couldn’t stand. Since our hands were still tied behind our backs it was almost impossible to get a grip on the stakes. We weren’t fed or given any water and those on the edges of the group were the targets of a kicking or cuffing as soldiers passed by. I had been heartened when I saw my pack and duffel along with a few other bags that were clearly from my fellows unloaded and put in a tent. If I could just get to them I had some stuff that might give me an edge in getting away.
My Comments
Dear Fearless Writer.
Please, take a breath. I feel like I’ve just read twenty pages of an action screenplay in 400 words. Relax. You have a whole novel to write.
This is what seems to be happening:
A traveler (male? female? transgender?) experiences some kind of time/place shift after a bolt of lightning, and “wakes” surrounded by shouting, tattooed, non-human creatures. Other travelers have been transported as well, and they all attempt to fight off the creatures. The creatures are determined to tie up the travelers, and lead them out of a muddy clearing and to an encampment. At the encampment, the travelers are staked to the ground with short ropes, then starved and beaten.
The Root of Atlan has an energetic, rather exciting premise, but there’s both too much and too little going on at once for a reader to get a good handle on the numerous scenes. Even though the storytelling is done in first person, the narration feels way too distant. Too dispassionate and detached, yet immediately observant of the scene. (i.e. facial details, numbers of men, black stone, pylons, mud, swords, etc.)
First person is, well, personal. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the past tense—it still needs to feel a bit raw and immediate. There’s pain and noise, but where is the confusion and terror? This traveler has come through a hole in the universe. Where’s the shock? The traveler is almost immediately attacked, and we get an explanation about this person having been raped, instead of the sweat and dirt and pain of the immediate fight. Treat the rape with the seriousness it’s due. It’s a great revelation that explains the character’s toughness, but let’s have a few demonstrations of that extraordinary toughness first. Then deepen the character.
(Get to know your character. Here are Proust’s 35 Questions, a survey of your character’s personality. I’m not saying you have to use all that you come up with or even fill it all out. But the more you know about your first-person character, the better grip you’ll have on their view of the world.)
“Being tied up was never a start to anything good unless safe words and mutual consent were involved.” Clever and amusing, but a weird aside for someone whose life is obviously in danger. Unless this is intended to be satire or comedy—and it doesn’t feel like it’s meant to be.
I count no fewer than three scenes in this opening:
–Traveler awakens in a strange place, surrounded not only by fellow travelers, but tattooed, angry locals who are joined by more locals, bent on tying them up. Travelers unsuccessfully fight back.
–Travelers go on a forced march (hike seems too tame a word).
–Travelers arrive in a camp, where they are tied down and starved.
Here’s a bit of practical advice. An exercise, if you will. Take one of these three scenes and work the heck out of it. Put yourself in it. You are the person fighting for your life. You’re the one waking up in a strange place, surrounded by angry, combative creatures. You’re the one who was on the way to the bathroom before you got transported, and you really had to pee, and you’re so freaked out you notice it happened without you realizing it but you barely notice because you’re being attacked by tattooed human/gorilla creatures brandishing swords!
Who are your fellow travelers? Do they count at all, or are they simply redshirts who will all be dead by the time you escape the encampment and go on with your adventures? Is there someone who fights bravely beside you that you will want to stay close to?
Your single traveler is not going to see everything at once. The forced march is a good time to observe more details about our fellow travelers, and the creatures—single one or two out that are especially frightening or you think might help you.
Write long. Indulge in the scene. Then come back and tighten it up and edit. You may not even use everything you write, but you will have observed it. Keep the vital, most visceral parts. Write the experience, not an overview of the experience.
Dialogue?
As I read through this the third time (I’m slow on the uptake, I guess), I realized there’s not a word of dialogue! Creatures are shouting unintelligibly, but the travelers don’t even offer a grunt. No one is screaming? No one is crying for her mother? No one is saying, “Get your hands off of me, you damned dirty ape!”? (Sorry, I have zero idea how to punctuate that sentence.) The lack of dialogue is a big part of the narrator’s detachment from the story.
Mention the duffel or the absence of the duffel sooner. I really like the idea that it exists and that the traveler wants the stuff inside it. We can already see what the traveler’s first action mission will be.
Think about opening the book with your character already escaped from the encampment and living in this strange new world. You don’t need to start at the very beginning of the traveler’s arrival—surprise us.
Go and read the beginning of Richard Matheson’s I Am Legend to see how he immediately immerses the reader in the story. The scenario—that the world is now inhabited by zombies and Robert Neville is the last man—is not the story. It’s a masterful tale of humanity and hope and survival.
Then show us what you know about your protagonist. It’s a fascinating premise and has great potential to be a terrific tale. Take your time. Enjoy the ride. Have fun with it.
TKZers, what are your thoughts on this submission?
Overall it generates interest from me, but I too find the distance of the narrator to be troublesome. I don’t “feel” the terror that should be present.
The rape comment I think was given too little screen time. Rape is a horrible event, it might be better to hint at it, then develop it later.
The comment, “Being tied up was never a start to anything good unless safe words and mutual consent were involved,” is humorous, but without putting more humour into the piece, it seems out of place given the seriousness of the situation.
I feel a bit sensory deprived reading this introduction. We have a description of what the protagonist sees, but little else. I imagine these ape-like creatures to be smelly or at the very least to have unique odours. What other smells and sensations does she smell and hear? Does the mud smell? Are the ropes rough and tear the skin when they are tied up?
Watching other people beaten and knowing you could be next would be terrifying in real life, but I see no sense of her fear, especially given her prior assault.
I think adding in the additional sensory description would bring each scene to life and change up the pacing so three scenes may not be necessary on the first page.
Thanks for weighing in, Scott!
Thanks for Proust’s Questionnaire, Laura. I find that I have to write and rewrite the first 15,000 words over and over again to get a sense of who my character REALLY is, as opposed to who I think they are. I’ll try to use this on my next project.
Hope it helps you out, Edward. Though I still rewrite my openings over and over–so no guarantees I’m afraid. But the better you know your characters, the richer the book will be. Good luck!
You nailed this critique, Laura. The narrator kept at a distance and the “telling” made the reading a challenge. I loved the link you provided for Matheson’s “I am Legend.” It’s a great example of pulling in the reader with mystery elements and not over-explaining. He gives a sense of the bleakness of this new world, yet there’s a steadfast note of survival.
Every author has mistakes to learn from, but partaking in good books and seeing how other authors have created their worlds or characters is the best lesson. Thanks for your insights, Laura.
Thanks for dropping in, Jordan! Matheson’s work got uneven toward the end, but I Am Legend is a true masterpiece. Total immersion in the writer’s fictional world–something we all want in a book.
Read, read, read! The best advice on writing I ever got.
I also agree that the rape mention was not fleshed out enough. I felt it was dropped in here as an excuse for this woman, I’m assuming it’s a woman, ability to fight.
Dear writer- if you’re a woman, don’t degrade yourself. If your a man, feel my disappointment.
It’s my biggest pet pieve, especially in fantasy. I love fantasy with strong female characters, but these characters always come with strings attached–either there’s some excuse for their quickness or strength, or they’re “not like any other other girl in this universe.” Not true, there’s just too many “nongirls written about to support that.
There’s nothing wrong with a woman fighter. There’s nothing wrong with a woman enjoying beuty. There’s nothing wrong with a woman wanting to be a mother or not.
Now, a bit about your fight scene. If the creatures are as heavyset as you describe, they will rely on their strength to win, so they won’t be hitting with much accuracy. A victim can use speed; the apemen might be fast on their feet but not with their arms. Quick ducking, darting in to strike. I suggest that you read Tamor Pierce. Two of her series, the song of the lioness and the protector of the small, feature females training to become knights. Alanna, fom the lioness series, is a tiny person but becomes the king’s best warrior. Tamora Pierce spends quite a bit of time showing how she learns to overcome her size and handle a sword, as well as learn tricks from a thief friend. Keladry in the protector of the small is a big girl, but still we get a good deal of time spend wielding weapons and hand fighting. Her other books feature some techniques as well.
Terrific points, AZAli. The observation that a strong female character too often must have an “excuse” for their quickness or strength is an interesting one. It’s a trope we can do without. Though I would say it’s not just female characters that it affects. It’s very common in fiction in general and fantasy in particular–especially with children who see their villages decimated and their parents killed, so they buff up or become magical in order to change their own fate or take revenge.
You’re right that there’s nothing wrong with a woman fighter. In this particular piece, it’s the jump between our contemporary world and the fantasy world that begs a contrast. It would’ve indeed been cool if, in our world, she was already a badass fighter just because she wanted to be.
Great advice about the fight scene!
I agreee – there is way too much going on in this first page and not enough going on in this first page. Too much movement and not enough reaction.
Funny how those two states can coexist on the same page, isn’t it?! I have been there myself, and it takes lots and lots of practice to tease out a clear result. Thanks, Michelle.
Laura, you did an incredible job on this critique. Love the added links, too.
Fearless Writer, it takes practice to nail 1st person POV. Please don’t get discouraged. You’re off to a fine start. A few things to keep in mind … Too many sentences that begin with “I” takes away from the best part of using 1st person POV, which, as Laura mentioned, is the intimacy it allows. Remember Robert Frost’s quote, “No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader.” If the writer doesn’t immerse him/herself in the scene, the writing can become dry and unemotional, and all the action in the world won’t make a difference. I’m not saying that happened here; just something to keep in mind. One of the best craft books on this subject is GETTING INTO CHARACTER: Seven Secrets a Novelist can Learn From Actors by Brandilyn Collins. Highly recommend.
You’re so nice, Sue. And welcome to the Zone!!!!
What a wonderful Robert Frost quote. That’s dead on. I think that if this writer practices immersion, they’ll be successful with the story. Thanks for the link. I’ll check it out myself.
So glad you’ve joined the merry band!
Laura nailed it in her critique. This piece also strums one of my pet peeves in writing: Over-use of the infinitive, to be.
Take this paragraph: “They were armed with short, heavy swords and they were all heavily muscled. Overall, they made Neanderthals look elegant and poised in comparison. They were shouting at us incomprehensibly and I could see from the faces of my fellow travelers that they didn’t understand either.”
In this sample–and the writer repeats the offense over and over again–the conjugated “to be” (i.e., “were”) creates the weakest possible action. And it ALWAYS does. “They were shouting” is inherently weaker than “they shouted,” which is itself weaker than “they screamed.” Verbs are the engines that drive narrative.
Readdressing the sample paragraph, consider this: “The thick muscles of their chests and arms told me that they knew how to wield the blades of their heavy short swords to spill the blood of their enemies. From the way they shouted at us and threatened us, I knew that they did not consider us to be friends.” Or something like that.
Yes! “To be” definitely weakens the prose. I’m so glad you brought it up, John.
Terrific sample paragraph. I hope our Fearless Writer makes a note!
Great critiques. They don’t leave much for me to say, so I’ll focus on the nitty gritty of the actual writing.
I second the motion that Fearless Writer overuses the verb “to be.”
Plus you could take a look at passive construction. Yes, this character is trapped, but you can still make the scene(s) more vivid by eliminating the passive voice.
Watch out for what I call The Starting Syndrome–you only use “to begin” once, as I recall from my quick reading, but you generally want the characters to do the thing, not start to do it.
Another distancing factor is the use of what I call The Watching Syndrome, i.e., the character sees, hears, listens, watches, thinks, yadda, yadda, yadda. If you get right inside her head, and if the reader gets right inside her head, you don’t need those verbs or their many variations.
I recommend SELF-EDITING FOR FICTION WRITERS by Renni Browne and Dave King. It sure helped me to eliminate many of the weaknesses in my writing (still learning, of course–never-ending.) A worthy side effect of eliminating weaknesses is that you can focus on the story (always first) and on developing your voice. You’ll become more confident, more prepared to take risks.
A word about description of characters or place, etc.–you can convey so much in very few words if you look for fresh ways to describe things, and when you’re using First Person, especially, the character’s attitude about what s/he sees serves double duty: you can reveal her character as well as describe the things/people/creatures she sees.
And, last but not least: the Five Senses. One of the last run-throughs I make of every scene once I’m satisfied with the overall strength of the scene is to review it to see if I’ve taken enough advantage of the five senses and the use of light and shadow
The concept is interesting with lots of potential. Do keep on going!
Great observations, Sheryl. Particularly the reminder about the Five Senses. We all need to keep that in mind.
I find I’m occasionally guilty of the “beginning” thing. It always makes the story stronger to nip that stuff in the bud! *snip snip*
Everyone here has nicely amplified the key problem Laura pointed out, the distancing of the narrator. But let me add one more thing to watch out for that bothers me.
When you have a character “waking up” (as we do here) or entering a dark room or approaching any situation where the senses might be limited, you have to be really careful about the ORDER in which the character senses and thus processes things.
Here’s the opening image: “I woke to an excruciating headache and shouting. The last thing I remembered was walking through the airport after my flight and then what seemed like a bolt of lightning. When I pried my watering eyes open I found it was twilight or predawn and there were torches all around me.”
This is not what would register with this person at this awful moment. What WOULD you notice, and in what order?
1. The light (or lack of) as you open your eyes.
2. That your head is pounding. (“headache” is too clinical)
3. People are shouting. (can you hear what? Chanting? Grunts?)
4. The flare of torches?
5. The cold hard stone beneath you?
6. A rising panic.
What WOULDN’T register is a memory of the airport. “This last thing I remembered…” No, stay in the panicky moment!
Then, as the character tries to get her bearings, other things would come into focus in her senses.
1. The other captives?
2. The state of your fellow hikers? (crying, moaning? What?)
3. What the apemen look like. But this should be fleeting glimpses and impressions, to make the scene feel more visceral. The character would not count how many (15) or other “factoids.” Make the feelings tell the story.
Also, why wouldn’t the apemen tie her down from the start? Not logical, as it would be too easy for her to run. It might be more terrifying for her to be tied up and realizes it as she wakes. So the “order” of sensory perceptions would be:
1. Light (or lack…disorientation)
2. Head pounding and other aches
3. The rough feel of ropes on her wrists.
4. Sounds…
When I read this the first time, I thought maybe this was backstory, that this person was somewhere else and was calmly recounting what had previously happened. It has such a cold, dispassionate tone. I didn’t feel any sense of terror or peril.
Good scenario for an opening but you really have to get in the skin of your character, writer, or we won’t care.
As always, you get right to the heart of the matter, Kris! Thank you!
Laura’s critique is right on point. i’ve read it twice.
I might be weird (actually that is already proven) but I read the comments just as closely. Today’s post and comments are especially useful. Thank all of you for sharing your vast knowledge.
My knowledge being only half vast.
Thanks, Brian. I always find great advice and suggestions in the comments, too.
If you have half vast knowledge, you’re way ahead of most of us!
Yes, the critique was excellent. I also agree with the Self Editing for Fiction Writers publication. I’ve found it extremely helpful. A small thing bothered me, the usage twice of the word “heavily.” Dialogue would have decreased the feeling of distance. I missed it. But good luck to the brave writer-potential for a good story.