First Page Critique: A Raging Need To Kill

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Today we’re critiquing the first page of A RAGING NEED TO KILL, which was submitted anonymously by a reader. I’ll add my comments at the end, and then please give your feedback in the Comments.

A Raging need to Kill

Lilli missed her mom and she hated her dad, Henry, but she still cooked dinner just for him. Lilli opened the oven door and ducked over the golden brown turkey to check if it was done. When she poked the turkey with the fork, a piece fell off, she picked it up, and threw it in the trash bin. A smile spread on her face. “Perfect,” she whispered. She stirred in rosemary seasoning, butter, and garlic salt into the cubed potatoes. Thanksgiving dinner was ready when Henry walked into the living room with a beer in his hand.

Lilli’s mom, Kaitlin, had insisted on having the dinner each year and Lilli was determined to honor her tradition even though Kaitlin was dead. Henry walked closer to Lilli and rested his back against the wooden cabinet. The mouth-watering smell of turkey and cranberry sauce was overpowered by the smell of beer mixed with nicotine, wet hay, and manure.

“Did you prep the girls for the auction?” he asked Lilli, making her neck tense up.

“Not yet, sir. I’ll do it after dinner,” Lilli said while she stared at the yellow stains on the backsplash. She resisted moving even if every cell in her body wanted to step a couple feet away, instead she clenched her jaw to steady her uneasiness.

“Are you hungry, Dad?” she asked trying to remind him that she was his daughter.

“She’s not here anymore. Don’t hold on to the past, Lilli. It’ll be easier,” he said in a calm voice but she still noticed his irritation. He took a step closer to her and she grabbed a plate, served the potatoes and turkey, walked to the table, and back to the kitchen.

After serving two dinner plates for the two of them, she sat at the small wooden table. Henry ate the dinner and after a few minutes, he put down the fork and looked at Lilli with suspicion. “What did you put in the food? You haven’t touched yours. What, you poisoned me?”

“No, Dad,” she said and looked down with a small smirk.

He got up and tried to steady himself with the table. His eyes looked disoriented and he reached out for her but she staggered backwards. He threw a punch at her but Lilli ducked and he missed her.

My comments:

Whoa, talk about a dysfunctional family! I felt the bleakness of the narrator’s world as I was reading this page. I appreciate the way the writer used small details to put the reader inside the Lilli’s POV, such as her staring at the yellow stains on the backsplash.

This scene definitely made me want to learn more about Lilli’s world. I would suggest doing an editing pass to tidy up some punctuation and break up sentences for rhythm and flow.

I would also suggest rearranging the dialogue between Lilli and Henry to increase the tension in the following exchange.

Henry ate the dinner and after a few minutes, he put down the fork and looked at Lilli with suspicion. “What did you put in the food? You haven’t touched yours. What, you poisoned me?”

I suggest breaking up the something like this:

Henry ate the dinner. After a few minutes, he set down his  fork.

 

“You haven’t touched your dinner.”

 

“No, Dad.” Lilli stared down at her plate and stifled a smirk.

 

”You put something in the food?” Henry staggered to his feet, then tried to steady himself against the table. “What, you poisoned me?”

In general, job well done! I’m hoping we will find out in the next page whether Lilli did in fact poison Henry. (Sounds like he deserved it).

Our thanks go out to today’s brave writer for submitting this first page! TKZers, how did you react to this first page? Please share your feedback in the Comments.

13 thoughts on “First Page Critique: A Raging Need To Kill

  1. Totally agree with Kathryn. Brave Writer, you have an intriguing opening here. As Kathryn advised, it needs a good edit. This first page could be made stronger by removing some of the dialogue tags, especially where you use body language.

    Example (original): “Not yet, sir. I’ll do it after dinner,” Lilli said while she stared at the yellow stains on the backsplash. She resisted moving even if every cell in her body wanted to step a couple feet away, instead she clenched her jaw to steady her uneasiness.

    “Not yet, sir. I’ll do it after dinner.” Lilli focused on the nicotine-stained backsplash. Every cell in her body yearned to back away, to gain a few feet between them, but when she resisted the urge, her jaw clenched in protest.

    I used “nicotine-stained” to paint a better picture. If it’s grease, try using something like “grease-splotches” to make it more visceral. All in all, good job, Brave Writer. I’d continue reading.

  2. I’d change the title to A RAGING NEED TO COOK & include recipes. Wow. Intense.

    I agree with Kathryn & Sue. This is a solid start that would keep me turning the page.

    A suggestion from me would be to reconsider the first line. Although the first line is intriguing & draws the reader in, it’s also ‘telling’ that gives away what’s coming.

    Maybe something that focused on her honoring her mother’s wishes by sticking to her tradition, despite her father Henry’s sullen nature. Take the word ‘hate’ out of it.

    There’s great ‘showing’ of her resentment throughout. I also like how it builds tension from start to end, giving us a glimpse into her hatred without explanation. Well done, brave author.

  3. I liked this, and I agree with the comments thus far, especially the suggestion about the opening line and the expansion of the dialogue when Henry figures out that something might be amiss.

    But the piece does need editing:

    1. to eliminate unnecessary words (two plates for the two of them? perhaps too much name repetition which tends to distance the reader? “she resisted moving even if” could be deleted with no loss of meaning? he asked Lilli (who else could he be asking)? You’ll likely find more unnecessary words when you’re revising. [Question marks to clarify that these are suggestions, not orders.]

    2. Once you’re happy with the content, I’d do a special run-through and focus on the rhythm of the sentences: do they flow? I didn’t feel as though they did flow well enough.

    3. Do we need to know Henry’s name or Kaitlin’s name in the opening paragraph? Do we need to know her mom’s name so soon? If Lilli refers to her as “mom” I think the sense of grief would be stronger.

    4. Continuity: she staggers backward when she’s still seated?

    5. If we had some sense of Henry’s size in comparison to her, we might feel even more menace. Henry is a stereotypical beer drinker, or at least I think you’re relying on a stereotype (not, in and of itself, a bad thing), but you could find one key detail about him that would paint a better picture of him–the devil, and the angel, is in the details. The ones each writer chooses reveals the writer’s voice.

    6. Work on making the wording fresh, e.g., mouth-watering feels a bit blah; small, wooden table is rather bland, too. I’d search for a few telling details that really paint a picture of socio-economic class, etc.

    7. sometimes I think the sentence structure could be re-ordered for more impact. Take a look at each sentence and play around with the order of the ideas, e.g., would it be stronger to say that when Henry walks into the room, the dinner is ready? Or, not–but idea ordering can make a huge difference.

    8. can you stifle a smirk? is smirk the right word? Take a careful look at word choice.

    All in all, a good start. I’d want to read on.

    • Good comments, Sheryl. I also bridled at a couple of the word choices, thanks for mentioning that!

  4. I have some real issues with this piece, and I think most of them have to do with POV problems.

    Whose head are we in? How old is Lilly? You don’t need those details here necessarily, but I found myself confused. My parents were Jim and Terry, and never once is my life have I thought of them by their names. For Lilly to think that way was jarring to me.

    “When she poked the turkey with the fork, a piece fell off.” That imagery doesn’t work. Why would the fork break? And unless the turkey is made of porcelain or some other brittle material, why would poking make a piece fall off. Absent what we now know is coming, the fact that she threw it away didn’t make sense to me when I read it in real time.

    This paragraph: “After serving two dinner plates for the two of them, she sat at the small wooden table. Henry ate the dinner and after a few minutes, he put down the fork and looked at Lilli with suspicion. “What did you put in the food? You haven’t touched yours. What, you poisoned me?”” squanders drama. I think it happens too fast.

    • Yes, definitely the dialogue’s tension flow would be enhanced by breaking it up to show the back and forth between these two characters. Thanks for chipping in, John!

  5. Often when reading something I see a nice sinister way to go with it, then it doesn’t go there and I am disappointed. Here – clearly not disappointed. She hates her dad. When she threw away the pieces of turkey I literally said out loud, “If I were him I wouldn’t eat that.”

    “Did you prep the girls for the auction?” Unless this is necessary foreshadowing that needs to be on the first page, I would move it somewhere else. It really doesn’t add anything to this page as it is written. If the point is to show how she is fearful of his reaction to her answer, then give us a little bit more.

    I really liked this. However, I think its a bit too quick. This one page needs to be two and in a slightly different order. IMO, I think it would be nice to get a feel for her love of her mother. Give a little more feel to her anguish. The woman is dead and she loved her. She is trying (let her struggle a bit with the recipes) to keep her traditions alive. THEN says something about even if its only for her and the father she hates. Then the turkey bit.

    • The auction reference was puzzling, but I’m assuming we’ll find out more soon. It might work better to clarify what’s being auctioned away: some prized animals that she’s grown attached to, perhaps? Thanks for stopping by today, Michelle!

  6. I like it! It was a little verbose like others have mentioned, but I think that’s fixable with an edit or two. For example, “She stirred in rosemary . . .” could just be, “She stirred rosemary . . . .”

    I was a wee bit confused when Henry walked into the living room but then he walked closer to Lilli and seemed to be in the kitchen.

    I like the tension. With an edit, I’d keep reading!

  7. Well done, writer, but I agree that the line “have you prepped the girls for the auction” either needs to be moved or explained. Excellent scene-setting.

  8. I immediately envisioned the line of prepping the girls for auction as a sex trafficking ring. I agree with all of the comments on editing here but the opening was intriguing to me. I would take a bit more time with the set up to get to know her a bit more and her world before the change. A bit more foreshadowing and not so much telling on the first page. Overall, it was one of the better first pages I’ve read. I would read on.

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