Four-legged Detectives: Bringing K-9s to Life in Fiction

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Four-legged Detectives: Bringing K-9s to Life in Fiction
Terry Odell and Kathleen Donnelly

As you read this, I’m be in New Zealand. I’m delighted that Kathleen Donnelly agreed to cover for my post this week. I first met Kathleen years ago at a writer’s conference where she did a fascinating presentation on working dogs.

Kathleen, Gracie, Sparky, Boomer, and Willow

Thank you so much, Terry, for inviting me to guest post on the Kill zone! I’m excited to be here today to share information about one of my passions—working dogs. Whether you’re a reader, writer or both, I’m happy to share a behind the scenes look at how I developed my fictional K-9 Juniper, based on my real-life experiences.

Dogs are man’s best friend for many reasons, but their ability to help us solve mysteries by using their noses make them invaluable for law enforcement, military, private sector work and more. They also make great fictional characters. I’ve been lucky to have worked for a private company for the past 19 years called Sherlock Hounds Detection Canines. Our dogs are trained to find drugs, alcohol and gunpowder. The goal of our program is to help deter these items at schools. Over the years, my dogs continue to amaze me and it was this work that led to me adding a K-9 into my National Forest K-9 series.

I had many decisions to make when I decided to add in a K-9 character to my series. What breed should I use? Which agency would employ my main character? What language would my main character use to give her K-9 commands? I wanted the K-9 work in my books to be authentic and so before I even chose a breed, I had to decide on the agency. Why? Because each agency has different requirements, commands, and training styles.

Knowing the agency would determine all of that plus help me decide on the breed of dog. For example, my private company uses Labrador retrievers because we work in schools. We want a non-intimidating breed. However, a police department who’s tracking a suspect wanted for homicide needs an intimidating breed that will also be happy to apprehend (the polite way of saying bite) the bad guy. Dogs who are known for apprehension are usually shepherds. One other breed I’ve seen used more and more for this work is the Giant Black Schnauzer.

These two very different breeds below are both searching for narcotics. The Fox Terrier was one of our non-intimidating dogs while the shepherd was in training for law enforcement. Your character’s agency will make all the difference in the breed you choose.)

When I determined that my protagonist, Maya Thompson, would be a US Forest Service law enforcement officer, I knew she would have a Malinois. They are my favorite shepherd breed. They are also high-energy, intense, love their work (especially apprehension) and loyal to their handlers. I was asked once why I chose a female Malinois. My answer was simply for “Girl Power.” In real life, for most agencies, the sex of the dog doesn’t matter, only the characteristics needed to be a good working dog. Some of those characteristics include a high-retrieve drive, high prey drive, and extremely high energy.

Knowing the agency and breed allowed me to determine all the different jobs my one fictional dog would be able to do. As a law enforcement K-9, I knew she would be a dual-purpose dog. Dual-purpose means the dogs have more than one job. In this case, I knew that like other law enforcement K-9s my dog would find narcotics, track suspects, locate evidence and apprehend. I also researched how my dog would alert. There are two types of alerts—passive and active. Passive is when you see a dog sit or lie down to tell their handler they’ve found something. Passive alerts are becoming more common because there tends to be less destruction. Active alerts are when a dog scratches at an item they’ve found. The type of alert is very important when it comes to creating an authentic fictional dog. For example, for obvious reasons, a bomb dog will never do an active alert. I chose to have my dog do a passive alert. I was talking to one of our trainers and even took the alert a step further. When our trainer was a deputy, she taught her German Shepherd to sit when he found narcotics and down when he found evidence. I loved that and my fictional dog soon had the exact same alerts.

When I had these factors worked out, I also had to create a realistic handler. Once again, girl power. I knew I’d have a female protagonist and Maya came to life. I wanted Maya to already have training as a K-9 handler and there were a couple realistic ways to go about this—she could have a past in law enforcement or the military. I chose military for my character as that lent itself better to the storyline of my character having PTSD from losing her dog in Afghanistan. On a side spoiler note—no dogs will ever be killed in my books. This is just a part of my character’s backstory.

As I wrote my first book, CHASING JUSTICE, I enjoyed incorporating my fictional K-9 into solving the mystery. Juniper tracked, apprehended, cleared a cabin and found narcotics. Through some of these storylines, I enjoyed also dispelling some myths about working dogs. How many times have we seen in a movie where the bad guy gets away because he ran through water? Or the dog missed the narcotics because they were hidden in coffee? While in real life dogs can miss something or lose the scent of someone they’re tracking, these ways of deterring a dog are not real. Dogs can smell just fine through water and have even been known to find drowning victims. There’s nothing that will cover the scent of narcotics, bombs, or anything else a dog is trained to find.

One of my last decisions was what language to have Maya give Juniper commands. Many people think that K-9s are automatically trained in German or Dutch. For some dogs this is true. Our trainers would keep commands in a different language if the dog came with previous training in a different language. Otherwise, they train the dogs in English. This is because officers in a high stress situation (which is when a dog is being deployed) often forget the foreign language. It’s much easier to recall your native language. Officers have also found that when a suspect hears the command for the dog to go bite, the person is more inspired to give up and start complying with arrest. For those reasons, plus the ease of writing, I decided to have Maya give Juniper commands in English.

If you’re thinking of incorporating a K-9 into your writing, these are just a few of the things to think about as you research. I’ve enjoyed not only working with my dogs, but learning more about other K-9 jobs, handler qualifications and how other agencies train. Have you thought about a K-9 character? What would your K-9 character’s superpowers be? What else would you like to know about K-9s? I’ll be around all day to answer your questions and discuss further. Thanks again for having me as a guest on the blog!

P.S. Every month I write a story for my newsletter about my experiences as a K-9 handler. If you sign up for my newsletter, you’ll also receive my free eBook “Working Tails: The Stories Behind the K-9s.” You can sign up on my website.

I also wanted to let you know about a special pre-order campaign through my favorite indie bookstore for my latest book, KILLER SECRETS. If you order KILLER SECRETS or any of the other National Forest K-9 books through Old Firehouse books, you’ll receive a signed books and you’ll be entered in a drawing for a National Forest K-9 Gift box which includes a gift card to the bookstore (can be used for online orders), dog treats from a local biscuit bakery, and coffee. Go to Old Firehouse Books today to buy your copies and be entered in the drawing.

Thanks, Kathleen, for stepping up while I’m away. TKZers, I’ve read her award-winning Chasing Justice, and it’s obvious Kathleen knows her dogs!

How can he solve crimes if he’s not allowed to investigate?

Gordon Hepler, Mapleton’s Chief of Police, has his hands full. A murder, followed by several assaults. Are they related to the expansion of the community center? Or could it be the upcoming election? Gordon and mayor wannabe Nelson Manning have never seen eye to eye. Gordon’s frustrations build as the crimes cover numerous jurisdictions, effectively tying his hands.
Available now.

Terry Odell is an award-winning author of Mystery and Romantic Suspense, although she prefers to think of them all as “Mysteries with Relationships.”

Find the Right Critique Group for You

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Photo credit: Photo by Dylan Gillis on Unsplash

by Debbie Burke

@burke_writer

Recently Jim Bell suggested I write a post about critique groups. Thanks for the idea, Jim!

What should a new writer look for?

New writers need three things:

  1. Accountability – A critique group motivates you to write consistently. It’s human nature that you’re more apt to meet someone else’s deadline than one you impose on yourself. A frequent comment: “If I didn’t have to turn in pages for my critique group, I wouldn’t have gotten around to writing.”
  2. Readers – Unless you’re keeping a journal only for yourself, you eventually want others to see your work. Critique groups are good first readers for a new writer.
  3. Feedback – The most important job of a critique group is to improve your writing. They spot trouble areas, inconsistencies, lack of clarity. The writer is often too close to the work to see problems. Critique groups offer objectivity. They make suggestions such as how to strengthen prose, what parts to cut or expand, ways to make characters come to life, etc.

When I was starting out, critique groups filled all three needs for me. Thirty-five years later, I’m pretty good about #1 (accountability) but I still need #2 and 3, readers and feedback. Currently I participate in two groups, one with long-time author friends, the other on Zoom with writers scattered around the country I’ve never met in person.

“But I’m not a joiner.” If you can effectively work alone, that’s great. But consider a critique group or beta readers for feedback before submitting for publication.

How to find a critique group:

  • Take writing classes – My first group grew out of students I met at creative writing classes at the community college.
  • Join a writing organization – Check out this list. Some are generalized with a broad interest range that includes fiction, nonfiction, poetry, screenwriting, journalism, memoirs, etc. Other groups focus on specific genres like romance, mystery, historical, children’s, Christian, etc. Most organizations offer active programs to help you meet other writers in your area of interest.
  • Attend a conference – Critique groups sometimes form among attendees.
  • Ask local bookstores and libraries – They frequently serve as meeting places for critique groups.
  • Search online – Meetup.com, Google, social media, etc.

How to set up a new group:

  • Gather six to eight other writers. That’s enough to give a variety of viewpoints. More than that, it’s difficult to review everyone’s submission in a timely way. If possible, find writers with more experience than yourself who are willing to help those with less experience.
  • Decide how often to meet–weekly, bi-weekly, monthly.
  • Find a convenient location, such as members’ homes, coffeeshops, bookstores, the library, etc.
  • Meet remotely via Zoom, Facetime, etc.
  • Agree on rules. Basic guidelines are: be respectful, courteous, helpful; don’t interrupt and don’t be snarky.

Join an existing group:

Some groups are open to newcomers. Others are by invitation only. You may need to submit a writing sample, or be recommended by someone already in the group.

Two common formats:

  1. Read pages aloud to the group. This takes time and limits the number of submissions that can be reviewed. But it also helps newer writers hear problems they don’t see on the page.
  2. Submit pages in advance, then discuss at the meeting.

Generally, the author remains silent during discussion. Afterwards, they may ask questions or comment.

Authors frequently want to defend their work or explain what they really meant, which is not necessarily what is actually written on the page/screen. Remember, when the story is published, the author isn’t there to explain. The writing must stand on its own.

Is this the right group for me?

  • Trial run – Ask if you can attend a couple of meetings (in person or by Zoom) to get to know other members. You can tell a lot by how respectfully they treat each other. Strong suggestion to newcomers: listen more than talk.
  • Compatible chemistry – Can you work with these people? Can they work with you? A group that writes gritty noir is not useful for a children’s picture book author.
  • Tone – Lively discussions are not the same as pointless arguments.
  • Attitude – Are they helpful and encouraging? Do they actively look for solutions to problems? Do authors go home excited and energized?

Danger Signs to Watch For:  

  • Poisoners – Some groups are just plain toxic. They exist to savage someone else’s writing to make themselves feel superior. Avoid such people at all costs. They never help and destroy your enthusiasm and confidence.
  • Divine Emperor – Someone appoints themselves the ruler of the group, delivering proclamations straight from Mount Sinai. When you’re not experienced, it’s easy to be intimidated by those who know more than you do. But what often masquerades as “knowledge” are simply arbitrary rules.
  • Monopolizer – This person demands attention. Drop everything right now and focus on my story because the world really does revolve around me. All take and no give doesn’t work in critique.
  • Closed Ears – This writer won’t listen to suggestions. S/he repeats the same problems month after month.
  • Frustrated Actor – This writer wants applause from an audience. S/he wants affirmation, not constructive criticism.

What Are Potential Problems?

  • In groups of new writers, sometimes the ignorant are leading the uninformed. Educate yourself by reading craft books and articles and taking classes. Expand your knowledge at the same time you practice writing.
  • Personality clashes may arise. Try talking one on one to work out your differences outside regular meetings. Maybe you can agree to disagree and keep discussion civil. If you can’t, one of you might have to find a different group.
  • Lack of participation. Some people rarely submit and offer lots of excuses. They’d rather talk about writing than write. Some submit and accept feedback, but don’t comment on others’ submissions. A group only works with active give and take.

Here are a few additional thoughts from one of my early guest posts for TKZ.

 I’m a big fan of critique groups because the ones I’ve been in included good people who are eager to learn and are glad to help others. YMMV. If you had a bad experience in the past, consider trying again with different people.

We all start out as beginners. Learning to write is intimidating. Sharing what you write with other can be scary.

But it can also lead you to rewards you never imagined.

~~~

TKZers: Are you in a critique group? What helps you? What causes problems?

~~~

Critique groups contributed invaluable help to every book in Debbie Burke’s Tawny Lindholm Thriller series. Available here.

Sleep: Embracing Your Inner Koala

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“Happiness consists of getting enough sleep. Just that, nothing more.” –Robert A. Heinlein, Starship Troopers

* * *

Koala bears are the experts when it comes to sleep. An adult koala averages about twenty hours of sleep each day! To those of us who are trying to pack as much writing, marketing, networking, and everything else into a 24-hour time period, that seems a little excessive..

So why do those cute, furry critters need so much sleep? Koalas exist primarily on a diet of toxic eucalyptus leaves, and it takes a lot of energy for their digestive systems to break down the leaves which turn out to be low in nutrients to begin with. Bottom line: koala bears get the amount of sleep they need to support their lifestyle.

So how does that apply to humans?

* * *

“A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.” –Irish Proverb

We all know that a good night’s sleep is essential for good health. Good sleeping habits help us maintain a healthy weight, lower stress levels, repair body tissue, and give us an overall sense of well-being. According to sleepfoundation.org, sleep is also conducive to mental acuity.

Sleep is believed to help with memory and cognitive thinking. Brain plasticity theory, a major theory on why humans sleep, posits that sleep is necessary so the brain can grow, reorganize, restructure, and make new neural connections. These connections in the brain help individuals learn new information and form memories during sleep. In other words, a good night’s sleep can lead to better problem-solving and decision-making skills.

Better sleep means better thinking, but how about creativity?

* * *

“Man is a genius when he is dreaming.” –Akira Kurosawa, Japanese Film Director

It turns out creativity and sleep are related.

Scientists generally divide sleep into two categories: Non-rapid eye movement (Non-REM) sleep and Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep.

Ideatovalue.com posted an article that compared the two categories and examined their effects on creativity.

  • Non-REM sleep is where information we engaged with during the day is processed and formed into memories

  • REM sleep is where those new memories are compared and integrated into all of the previous knowledge and memories we have. This is also usually when we dream. This may form new novel associations between distant pieces of information, a vital component for new ideas

The article concludes:

This would imply that REM sleep is important for not only our ability to associate new ideas and solve existing problems, but also form new original and divergently creative ideas.

Okay. We need a good night’s sleep to perform at our best, but how do we get it?

* * *

“A well-spent day brings happy sleep.” –Leonardo da Vinci

How much sleep do we need to maximize creativity? The National institutes of Health recommends adults get seven to nine hours of sleep a night. And how can you ensure a good night’s sleep? The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommend

  • Be consistent. Go to bed at the same time each night and get up at the same time each morning, including on the weekends

  • Make sure your bedroom is quiet, dark, relaxing, and at a comfortable temperature

  • Remove electronic devices, such as TVs, computers, and smart phones, from the bedroom

  • Avoid large meals, caffeine, and alcohol before bedtime

  • Get some exercise. Being physically active during the day can help you fall asleep more easily at night.

* * *

So TKZers: Have you noticed a connection between sleep and creativity? How much sleep do you get each night? Do you remember your dreams and use them in your stories? Have you recovered from losing an hour of sleep to Daylight Savings Time?

* * *

Private pilot Cassie Deakin lands in the middle of a nightmare when she finds her beloved Uncle Charlie has been assaulted by thieves. Then things get worse.

Buy on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, Google Play, or Apple Books.

 

When Can You Call Yourself a Writer?

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by James Scott Bell
@jamesscottbell

First thing I did when I decided to become a writer (even if I couldn’t learn like they told me in college, even if I failed) was go to a bookstore and buy a black coffee mug with WRITER on it. I wanted to look at it every day, and believe it. I don’t think I ever drank coffee from it. It’s still here in my office. I still look at it every day.

At first, when people would ask me, “So, what do you do?” I could never get myself to say, “I’m a writer.” I was still practicing law and running a small law book business. That’s really what I did to put food on the table.

Then I got published. Only when I had four or five books out there and a new multi-book contract was I comfortable enough to say “Writer.” Even then it took some getting used to.

That’s because the inevitable follow-up would be, “Oh! What do you write?”

“Fiction.”

“I love fiction. I wonder if I’ve read any of your books.”

I’d then be forced to give a few titles and watch the dead, uncomprehending eyes of my questioner blink, and see a half smile of abject pity crease her face.

Well, like the existentialists say, it is what it is. I’m better prepared now.

“What do you do?”

“I’m a writer.”

“Oh! What do you write?”

“Thrillers.”

“I love thrill—”

“Thanks! Here’s my card. You can check out my books on my website.”

So what about you? Do you feel comfortable calling yourself a writer?

Does there have to be a certain level of accomplishment first? (See Kay’s excellent reflections on “success.”)

Early on I clipped this from The Writer magazine. It’s by Malcolm Bradbury, from Unseen Letters: Irreverent Notes From a Literary Life:

I write everything. I write novels and short stories and plays and playlets, interspersed with novellas and two-hander sketches. I write histories and biographies and introductions to the difficulties of modern science and cook books and books about the Loch Ness monster and travel books, mostly about East Grinstead….I write children’s books and school textbooks and works of abstruse philosophy…and scholarly articles on the Etruscans and works of sociology and anthropology. I write articles for the women’s page and send in stories about the most unforgettable characters I have ever met to Reader’s Digest….I write romantic novels under a female pseudonym and detective stories…I write traffic signs and “this side up” instructions for cardboard boxes. I believe I am really a writer.

That’s how I felt at the beginning, though I quickly began to specialize in full-length thrillers. Even so, I love to write. Novels, novellas, novelettes, short stories, flash fiction, micro fiction. I’ve written a lot of nonfiction on the craft, starting with Writer’s Digest and moving from there to Writer’s Digest Books, to a spot on TKZ, and by publishing indie books on several aspects.

And still I want to write more. There’s a kind of nonfiction piece that’s not easy to categorize, and as far as I know only two collections of such exist: Obituaries by William Saroyan, and Some People Are Dead by yours truly. You might call them Eclectic Musings, or Eccentric Escapades. But I’m calling them Whimsical Wanderings—Reflections From the Fringes of Normalcy. They are riffs that follow a random thought through a mind maze and into an unanticipated point.

You will find this on my Substack, and I’d like to invite you to join. Just type in your email and you’ll get it spam and ad free. For a paid subscription there’s extra content and a podcast, too. (Yes, podcast. Gilstrap isn’t the only one around here with a mellifluous voice!)

The purpose of all this is to provide a lift in the middle of your week, an oasis away from all the ranting and raving and name calling and general hooting.

So yes, I finally believe I am a writer.

Comments welcome.

Pet Words of Wisdom

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Tuesday my wife and I said goodbye to our beloved cat Mittens, who we’d adopted along with his brother Simba when they were ten-week-old kittens. He finally succumbed to multiple health challenges after being our constant companion for over seventeen years. He and Simba were also my writing buddies, barely fitting together on the cat bed mounted to the window sill in my writing office, spending many hours there over the years while I wrote. If I put a printed outline or manuscript on the writing desk below their cat bed, one of them would often decide to offer editorial input by laying on it.

After Simba passed in 2019, Mittens continued as my writing pal. He lost his hearing as he became elderly and meowed loudly when hungry or craving my attention, which sometimes interrupted my flow and other times reminded me that I’d gone down a distraction rabbit hole away from my writing. He would often watch me from the patio window when I was outside stargazing at night. I’m very grateful he was a part of our lives, and a wonderful writing companion, especially for so long.

Pets have a special place in the heart of many writers and readers. While I’m a “cat person” I also love dogs, and enjoy greeting them and their owners on walks, as well as visiting those that live with family and friends. I also love encountering pets in fiction.

Today’s Words of Wisdom looks at pets in fiction, with excerpts by Elaine Vets, Sue Coletta and Terry O’Dell. The full posts are well worthy reading, and are linked from the dates below their respective excerpts.

I like most cat mysteries, too. But some are so cutesy they make my teeth ache. Cats are not sweet. They’re funny, they’re beautiful, they’re elegant. But I never forget that under a cat’s soft fur beats the heart of a killer. So I persuaded my editor that I should write my 13th Dead-End Job mystery about another subject. I sent her the outline. She was underwhelmed. “You really should write about cats,” she said.

“But they’re so girlie,” I said.

“They don’t have to be,” she said. “Write the Elaine Viets take on cats.”

That’s when it dawned on me. Cats are the new vampires. They’re a subject that’s eminently portable and ever changing. Cats are whatever you want them to be: cuddly, ruthless, aloof, loveable – or all four.

Each generation reworks the vampire myth. The classic Bram Stoker vampire was the rich preying on the poor. The ’70s Frank Langella vampire was sex without responsibility – or pregnancy. Charlaine Harris brilliantly reworked the vampire myth, and I’m not saying that just because I know her.

Charlaine was already a successful New York Times mystery writer with several series when she got the idea for her Sookie Stackhouse  Southern Vampire series.
Charlaine added a fresh twist. Her vampires, like gay people, lived unrecognized among us. Then the Japanese blood substitute let the vamps come out and northern Louisiana was overrun with the undead.

When other writers tell me they’re going to write a vampire mystery, I congratulate them. But I wonder if they’ll write a different vampire mystery, or simply another variation on one of the timeworn themes.

I wrote a vampire story called “Vampire Hours,” about a woman who becomes a vampire to escape the trials of middle age – an unfaithful husband, constant dieting, fading beauty. People asked me if I was going to make that story into a novel. No. My idea was different, but not universal.
But cats are universal. So I agreed to do the cat book. I’m owned by a defrocked show cat, Columbleu’s Unsolved Mysterie. She bit a judge at her first show. I would write my new Dead-End Job mystery about the world of show cats and the people who love and care for them. I’d report on a culture.

And so Catnapped! was born. Helen Hawthorne and Phil Sagemont, my husband and wife PI team, are the in-house lawyers for a Fort Lauderdale attorney. The lawyer’s client, Trish Barrymore, is divorcing her husband, financier Smart Mort,  and the only thing the couple can agree on is custody of their show cat, Justine.

When Mort fails to return the cat on time, Helen and Phil are sent to collect the cat. They find Mort dead and Justine kidnapped and held for half a million dollars. Helen goes undercover to work for a show cat breeder.

Judge Tracy Petty, Cat Fanciers’ Association southern region director, helped with the cat show details.

Did you know that long-haired show cats have to be bathed – and they learn to like it? Their fur is so thick they are slathered in Goop, the mechanic’s hand cleaner, and then the cats get two shampoos, a conditioner and more. Their fur is dried with a special blow dryer. There’s more.

Much more. But you’ll have to read the book to find it out.

Elaine Vets—May 8, 2014

 

A few things to keep in mind when writing pets into fiction…

If you kill the pet, you better have a damn good reason for it, a reason readers will understand.

For example, not long ago my husband and I watched John Wick. [SPOILER ALERT] I fell in love with the Beagle puppy his dead wife sent from the grave. When the bad guys murdered the dog I almost shut off the movie. If my husband hadn’t begged me to keep watching, that would’ve been it for me. Turns out, this moment kicked off the quest (First Plot Point in story structure). Not only is it an important scene, but if it didn’t happen there’d be no story. See? Understandable reason why he had to die. John Wick would not have gone ballistic over a stolen car. The puppy was the only thing left he cared about. It had to happen.

The safer option is to not harm the pets.

Why Does the Character Have That Specific Pet?

As I mentioned earlier, you need to know why the character chose that pet. Is he lonely? Does a couple use their pets to fill a maternal/paternal need? Are you using that pet as a way to show the character’s soft side? Does the pet become the only one who’ll listen to their fears, sorrow, or hidden secrets? In other words, for an introverted character, pets can assume a larger role in the story so your character isn’t talking to him/herself.

As the writer, you need to know why that dog, cat, bird, lizard, or bear is in the story and what role they play. Does a K9 cop track criminals? Did your criminal character train a horse to be the getaway driver? Does the killer feed his pet hogs or gators human flesh? Knowing why that fictional pet exists is crucial.

What’s the Pet’s Personality?

Animal lovers know each pet has his/her own personality. If you’ve never owned the pets you’re writing about, then I suggest doing a ton of research till you feel like you have. For example, while writing Blessed Mayhem I needed to know how crows communicated and how people could interpret their calls. What separated a crow from a raven, what they felt like, what they smelled like, what foods they enjoyed most. In order to make the characters real I spent countless hours of research into the life of crows. I even went so far as to befriend a crow of my mine. Turns out, Poe was female. It didn’t take long for her to bring her mate, Edgar. When they had chicks, they brought them too. It’s turned into a very special experience (story for another time).

What Does the Pet Look Like and How Does S/he Act?

First, you must know the basics … their markings, voice, breed, habitat, diet, etc. Then delve deeper into the expressions they make when they’re happy, content, sleeping, aggravated, and downright pissed off. Every animal has their own unique personality, mannerisms, and traits. Evoke the reader’s five senses. Don’t just concentrate on sight. By tapping into deeper areas, our fictional pets come alive on the page. A scene where the hero or villain cuddles with a pet can add a nice break from the tension, a chance to give the reader a moment to catch their breath before plunging them back into the suspense.

Plus, pets are fun to write.

Does the Basset Hound snore so loudly he keeps the rest of the family awake? Is he now banished to the garage at night? Does the German Shepherd’s feet twitch when he’s dreaming? Does the Mastiff throw his owner the stink-eye when he can’t reach his favorite toy?

Let’s talk dogs. They do more than bark. Use their full range of grunts, moans, groans, happy chirps, and playful growls when your character plays tug-of-war. For cats, nothing is more soothing than a purr rattling in their throat as your character drifts asleep. Soft claws can massage their back after a brutal day.

Years ago, I had a pet turkey who used to love to slide his beak down each strand of my hair. This was one of the ways Lou showed affection. I’d sit in a lounge chair with a second lounge Papa Bear lounge chair behind me, and Lou would work his magic till I became putty in his beak. He knew it, too. After all that hard work, I couldn’t deny him his favorite treats.

Sue Coletta—January 8, 2018

[B]ecause saying “No” has always been a monumental task for me, I agreed to go along with my editor’s request.

I was reading along, some hiccups due to my internal editor refusing to shut up, but overall, the writing was clean and easy to read. It was a little slow-moving for my taste, as the suspense element wasn’t brought in until later than I would have expected, but then … about ¾ of the way through the book …

The protagonist, who by now had received threatening emails and phone calls, came home to find a box on her doorstep. Upon opening it, she discovered the mutilated body of a cat. Not just any cat, but a stray she’d semi-adopted.

Mind you, this was not a serial killer, dark mystery/thriller type book. This was, overall, a romance with some suspense elements. And a mutilated cat.

Very early in my writing career (2004 according to my files), I attended my first writer’s conference. At a workshop given by the late Barbara Parker, she said she’d made the unforgivable mistake of having a mutilated cat show up in a box on the doorstep at the protagonist’s house. And, even worse, the protagonist had a young daughter. Parker said readers sent hate mail, and warned that killing a pet was an absolute no-no. Her book was a legal mystery, so her audience wasn’t romance-oriented, yet they still screamed.

I told her my manuscript for the as of then unpublished Finding Sarah included a character with 2 cats, and I had poisoned them (you’ll never know the delight you can light up in someone’s eyes until you holler between your office and the Hubster’s and say, “I need a way to poison a cat.”) My plan was to have one survive. The incident would 1) force my character to deal with emotions he’d denied; and 2) provide a critical clue for solving the overall mystery.

She gave me an emphatic “NO.” — Spoiler Alert— So, in the final version, both cats survived.

I passed this information on to my editor, who said she was warned against harming children or dogs, but nobody’d ever mentioned cats, and that she would bring it up with the author. Whether there are any changes remains to be seen.

Terry O’Dell—August 4, 2021

***

  1. Do you have a pet as a writing companion?
  2. Have you written about pets in your fiction? If so, how do you balance a unique take with a universal appeal?
  3. What do you think of Sue’s advice on writing about pets?
  4. How do you feel about depicting harm to pets in fiction?

***

Mittens, having claimed a manuscript for editorial review, with appropriate super-villain under lighting.

National Be Nasty Day

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Your Choice of Vehicle: Steam or Purple Prose

I spent two days this week preparing for my meeting with my tax accountant. Those are my two least favorite days of the year. To make it worse, my wife and I changed banks between March and June of last year. So, with a farm account and a business account, I had four sets of documents to organize. By the end of the first evening I was ready to tear my hair out. But, with my wife’s patience and a good night’s sleep, I made it through.

I did decide that I should use that pain in my writing, or at least for this post, something along the lines of over-the-top purple prose to describe the old fat Mr. Taxagain N. Again. I thought some of you might enjoy venting your simmering contempt for the old geezer.

Then I looked at the National Days calendar and discovered that March 8th is National “Be Nasty Day,” a time to pull no punches and say what your really want to say to someone who has been less than kind to you. Great! We now have two choices:  a) Let the IRS know what you really think about them, or b) Respond to a former teacher/prof/agent/editor/colleague who told us we had no aptitude for writing, or made unkind remarks about our writing.

So, let’s vent some steam (or purple prose) today . Pick one (or both) of the options below and let it rip. You’ll feel better afterwards.

  1. Describe the old fat IRS Tax collector, Mr. Tax-Until-They-Drop, with as much purple prose as you wish, or just tell us what you really think of him.
  2. Craft a no-holds-barred response to someone who has belittled your writing.

Ah! You should feel better now. And if you don’t, take an aspirin and call me in the morning.

Smooth Operator – First Page Critique

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By John Gilstrap

By way of full disclosure, I don’t often participate in our First Page Critique program. It’s not that I don’t think there’s value in it, but rather that I don’t think I’m particularly qualified to critique the work of others. As I’ve mentioned here about a bazillion times, I am entirely self-taught. By sheer trial and error, I’ve learned what works for me, and what irks me about the works of others. The problem is that I am often irked by some of the bestselling authors on the planet, which brings me back to what the hell do I know? And who am I to presume to tell others what to do?

On the rare occasions when I do pick up a sample for a first page critique, it’s because I think the work has a lot of potential, and it falls within areas of my expertise where I know I can provide some wisdom that goes beyond the mechanics of writing. Today’s sample of Smooth Operator, by Courageous Author Unknown, is just such an example. (Note to said author: if you email john@johngilstrap.com, I’ll send you the complete marked-up manuscript.)

Here we go. First the original manuscript in bold font, with my comments on the back end:

Smooth Operator

Chapter 1

“Give yourself up, Ma’am,” the agent shouted. “There is no way out. It’s your only choice.”

Madam Chiang hunkered low against the grey BMW, still clutching the empty Beretta in her perfectly manicured hands.

Oh please. You sound like some B-grade cop movie.

“You only have one option,” the agent shouted again. “Give up now and I won’t shoot. Back-up’s on the way.”

Ah, rookies. It’s Sunday evening. Any back-up is still twenty miles away. And, of course I have options. I always have options. She just hadn’t thought of one yet.

But, in that exchange, Madam Chiang had gained two valuable pieces of information. First, she knew the agent had no idea who she was pursuing, because she had been addressed as ma’am. Likely, the agent only assumed she was a threat because she had just witnessed Madam Chiang blow her friend to oblivion. Not an altogether bad assumption.

Second, the agent was most likely not even on duty. Her tight dress and heels said she wasn’t here for work. Probably only stopped by the office on her way to a party. Whatever the reason, it must have been dumb luck that the agent saw her at all.

 

Moments ago, Madam Chiang had been inside the federal building rushing toward her prearranged exit, clutching the recovered evidence against her chest. She had just spotted her door when a chime announced the elevator’s arrival. Startled, she turned toward the sound. Two women stepped half way out before glimpsing Madam Chiang. All three froze simultaneously. Madam Chiang noticed their eyes widen as they spotted the pistol in her hand. Were they just harmless visitors or a threat?

That question was quickly resolved when one of the women popped open her clutch and pulled out her own pistol. Madam Chiang leveled the Beretta and squeezed off two rounds. Her first hollow-point hit its mark, entering the body just below the unarmed girl’s armpit, continuing on to obliterate her heart and lungs. The force slammed her body into a wall before folding to the floor in a crumpled heap. The second slug missed its mark.

The surviving agent jerked back inside the elevator firing an errant shot as she did. A split-second later, Madam Chiang fired one final shot toward the open elevator and sprinted toward her exit, charging toward cover in an adjacent parking structure.

It’s Gilstrap again. Pretty good stuff overall, don’t you think? The piece certainly starts on action. We get some good hints of attitude in the narration surrounding Madam Chiang. To be sure, she’s not a lady I want to cross when she’s cranky. Let’s stipulate that Courageous Unknown Author knows what s/he’s doing, and that this snippet earns a solid B. Now let’s get to the business of making a good thing even better:

“Give yourself up, Ma’am,” the agent shouted. “There is no way out. It’s your only choice.”

Given what we learn later–that our POV character has killed the agent’s friend–this dialogue prints as way too polite to me. “Show yourself or I will effing kill you!” (or something along those lines, depending on your market) seems way more appropriate. Also, where is the agent relative to our character? Shouldn’t our character be worried about the agent moving for position, especially since her weapon is dry?

Madam Chiang hunkered low against the grey BMW, still clutching the empty Beretta in her perfectly manicured hands.

There are dozens of models of Berettas, but one thing they all have in common is the fact if the magazine is empty, there’s been a hell of a gunfight. I don’t buy that a) she’d be noticing her manicure, or b) that she wouldn’t have broken a nail or gotten them dirty in a running gunfight. The gunshot residue alone would have dirtied her hands.

Also–and this is one of my proprietary irks–please name your characters, especially for close in 3rd POV. First of all, Madam Chiang reads to me as someone who runs a brothel. Later, as the action picks up, you seem to realize that the name is awkward, and resort instead into battling pronouns.

Oh please. You sound like some B-grade cop movie.

Attach this to the end of the paragraph above. That way, it’s easier to know whose thoughts we’re reading. As for the substance of the thought, I was thinking the same thing, but not in a good way.

“You only have one option,” the agent shouted again. “Give up now and I won’t shoot. Back-up’s on the way.”

Let’s think about this. I’m the agent and you’re the bad guy that I’ve got dead to rights on a murder charge. Why would I think for a minute that you would give yourself up after a gunfight? Why would I be marking my position with my voice so you would know where I am–especially since I’m alone? In this circumstance, if I knew where you were, I’d be advancing on your position as silently as I could to take you out. If I didn’t know where you were, I’d take cover somewhere and not make a sound while I waited for you to make a move and show yourself. If you were a professional–and that seems to be what you’re making Madam Chiang out to be–you would know all of this and you’d be plotting accordingly.

Ah, rookies. It’s Sunday evening. Any back-up is still twenty miles away. And, of course I have options. I always have options. She just hadn’t thought of one yet.

Proprietary irk #2: I hate long passages of quoted thought, because that’s not really how we think. At least, that’s not how I think. If this were my story, I would initiate the thought with italics, and then move on with close-in 3rd person narration. Like this:

Ah, rookies. It was Sunday evening, any backup was still twenty minutes away, and she always had options. She just hadn’t thought of one yet. (By the way, I really like that last sentence.)

Now, let’s talk about the choreography. Are federal buildings–the setting, as we will learn in the next section–ever so empty that backup is twenty minutes away? I’m thinking more like 90 seconds.

But, in that exchange, Madam Chiang had gained two valuable pieces of information. First, she knew the agent had no idea who she was pursuing, because she had been addressed as ma’am. Likely, the agent only assumed she was a threat because she had just witnessed Madam Chiang blow her friend to oblivion. Not an altogether bad assumption.

This is the only paragraph in the sample that I hate in its entirety. The glibness just doesn’t work. And it stops the flow of the story.

Second, the agent was most likely not even on duty. Her tight dress and heels said she wasn’t here for work. Probably only stopped by the office on her way to a party. Whatever the reason, it must have been dumb luck that the agent saw her at all.

The detail of the agent’s dress (how do we know she’s an agent, by the way, and not a security guard or concealed carrier?) may pay off later, but if not, this is a bit of a non sequitur for me.

Then, there’s a space break, and . .

Moments ago, Madam Chiang had been inside the federal building rushing toward her prearranged exit, clutching the recovered evidence against her chest. She had just spotted her door when a chime announced the elevator’s arrival. Startled, she turned toward the sound. Two women stepped half way out before glimpsing Madam Chiang. All three froze simultaneously. Madam Chiang noticed their eyes widen as they spotted the pistol in her hand. Were they just harmless visitors or a threat?

First, I don’t understand why this is not the beginning of the story.

I’m not at all oriented to the setting here. I know it’s a federal building, but that doesn’t mean anything. The federal building here in Martinsburg, WV, is entirely different than the federal building in Washington, DC. Are we talking marble floors? Artwork on the walls?

And where are the security guards?

“Prearranged exit” implies additional players. Either way, don’t be coy. Share with us what that exit is and how far away it is.

At this stage, I don’t think we need to know what the “recovered evidence” is, but I’m curious why she’s walking the halls with her pistol drawn if she’s just stealing stuff. A gun in your hand makes it more difficult to clutch things against your chest. Also, the reaction of the ladies in the elevator when they see the gun is exactly the reason not to have one in her hand unless she’s on the attack.

That question was quickly resolved when one of the women popped open her clutch and pulled out her own pistol. Madam Chiang leveled the Beretta and squeezed off two rounds. Her first hollow-point hit its mark, entering the body just below the unarmed girl’s armpit, continuing on to obliterate her heart and lungs. The force slammed her body into a wall before folding to the floor in a crumpled heap. The second slug missed its mark.

Here’s a rule to live by–literally: Never draw down on a drawn gun because you’re going to lose the fight. Agents know this. When the gun is carried off-body (as in a purse), it’s an even bigger problem. The agent’s smart move would have been to duck back into the elevator for cover and to buy a few seconds of time.

Okay, I’m an armed bad guy and I confront two targets–one is armed and one is not. Why on earth would I shoot the unarmed target first? We know it wasn’t a miss because the bullet “hit its mark.”

Is Madam Chiang still clutching the evidence to her chest when she fires these shots? If she’s a professional, she needs to finish this gunfight right here. Drop the evidence, engage the targets and be done with it. To intentionally leave an armed and angry enemy alive to follow as you run is a bad decision.

Proprietary irk #3: Bullets don’t throw people around when they hit. Also, while you can see where a bullet hits on a person’s body, there’s no way to know in real time where it goes as it tumbles through the viscera.

If Madam Chiang is a professional, she would know exactly where that second bullet landed, and she would be pissed.

The surviving agent jerked back inside the elevator firing an errant shot as she did. A split-second later, Madam Chiang fired one final shot toward the open elevator and sprinted toward her exit, charging toward cover in an adjacent parking structure.

The smart move for Madam Chiang would be to dump half a magazine through the elevator door behind which the agent was hiding, and then move to the opening to make sure the job was done.

Before the beginning to this paragraph, this post was at 2,048 words. Probably time to move on.

I hand it over to the rest of the TKZ family for further analysis . . .

 

 

 

 

First Page Critique: He’s In A Funk And She’s In A Fret

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By PJ Parrish

Good morning, crime dogs. Or, should I say, love dogs. Because I’m abandoning my normal dark and stormy heart to critique a romance submission today.  Hey, this is how I got into this business many moons ago. And I’m so not old that I don’t remember how it felt when the stars make you drool just like paste fazool. See you on the flip side.

Saturday, April 6

CHAPTER ONE

The tinkling of the harp drifts upstairs to the bedroom level. My Louboutin stilettos plunge into the high pile beige carpet. I step carefully, concerned the point will catch the carpet and snag it, possibly sending me flying across the room. Crossing the bedroom, past the loveseat and gas fireplace, I stop in front of Curt and hold his face in my hands. His fresh shaved skin is soft under my fingers. The musky scent of his aftershave lingers around him. He moves closer and places his lips on mine.

“You ready for your big night?” I ask. This party is to celebrate Curt, but I need it to secure my social standing in Arlington and Washington, D.C.

“Do we really have to go downstairs?” Curt murmurs in my ear. His lips brush the top of my ear. His breath is warm on my cheek.

“Do I have to remind you that this birthday party is for you? I spent months planning.” I step backward. After all the effort I’ve put into this, I can’t believe he’d indicate he doesn’t appreciate it, doesn’t want it.

“You know, I didn’t really want to make a big deal this year.” Curt sounds weary.

Slow breath in, slow breath out. I won’t lose my temper with Curt tonight. “Curt, these parties are important. Milestones are important. 35 is a big deal, especially with all the success you’ve had.” I pause. “Connections in this city are everything. You know that. Everyone from your work, and mine, will be here.” He may have been born with a silver spoon in his mouth in Washington, D.C. and the surrounding suburbs, but I wasn’t. I work for every single connection, and this party is part of that. But I am worried about what’s on Curt’s mind. Something’s been weighing on him.

“Alicia, stop. I don’t want to have this argument again. The party is happening.”

Pouting, I sit on the bed next to him. I play the role he expects.

“Alicia, I love you. You know that. The party will be fun. I appreciate all the work you’ve put into it.” He rests his hand on my thigh.

A smile pulls at the corner of my mouth. I stand beside Curt, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, and giving him a squeeze. “It’s going to be the party of the year,” I chirp and kiss the top of his ear softly.

“Don’t start things you’re not prepared to finish.”

I laugh. “We’ll finish this later.”

“I will come back to this after the party.” Curt’s finger trails down the v-neck of my gown. He always knows how to diffuse a situation, including my temper.

_________________________

You know, romance and crime fiction aren’t all that different at heart. Both are fueled by passions. Both depend on a build up and release of tension. Both imply a satisfying ending — be it a happily ever or justice served.

The rules for success in either genre are similar:

  • Build believable three-dimensional characters. And keep a firm control, via your plotting, on what they do.
  • Keep it fresh. Avoid the sad cliches that can bring your story down to the mundane and get it rejected, either by an editor or an Amazon browser. The boozy cop in conflict with his superior is just as tiresome as a breathless (always green-eyed) beauty who falls for a bad boy at first sight. Be original or be gone.
  • Create a juicy conflict and a disruption in the protagonist’s world. Tension in crime fiction usually arises from murder. Tension in a romance can come from personal relationships, a couple’s differing backgrounds or family dysfunction. (Romeo and Juliet).

The main differences? Sex and death. Romance has to have the former. Crime fiction has to have the latter. I used to joke that I got out of the romance novel biz because I got tired of sex. (See video at end). There are infinitely more ways to kill someone than to bed them. So I have great respect for romance writers who make it all feel new again.

As for our submission today, it didn’t come in with a set genre tag. So I am guessing that it is romance. Could be romantic suspense, but no way to tell with such a limited sample. So forgive me, submitting writer, if I err.

What I like about this submission is there is definately some tension, right from the get-go. Alicia and Curt at clearly at odds. On the surface, it is about his not wanting to go to the party. But something deeper is going on between these two because the author makes a point of telling us that Alicia is uneasy about their social gap

Curt was born with “a silver spoon in his mouth” in Washington D.C. circles while Alicia had to work hard for every connection she has made. So kudos, writer, for bringing in some tension early. You could have made the first 400 words all lovey-dovely but you wisely began layering some conflict in with Alicia’s thoughts.

You have a pretty good grip on dialogue. I like how you use it to convey information and build tension between the couple.  It’s not just gooey chitchat, and you don’t have any throat-clearing.

Some things could have made this scene a little stronger, however.

Drop a hint about what this party is about. You say the couple both recognize it is important, so put in a few choice details to pique our interest further. I would like to know, at this point:

Where are we? You are too spare on description. A sense of luxury is faintly implied: She wears $1500 heels and there’s a thick carpet and a loveset in the bedroom. A harpist is playing. It this their home? Is this their wedding day? Have they snuck upstairs at an embassy party for a quickie? Whose bedroom is this? If it’s theirs, well, you missed a chance to up the tension even more — they sit down on a bed as they argue. Can there be a more potent metaphor for conflict?

Why be coy? A little world-building would help.

I get peevish when writers withhold description. Yes, you don’t want too much too early. But we get more details on how Curt smells than where we are. Don’t be afraid to SHOW us where we are. Description is a powerful tool — it helps create mood and can really enhance your tension.

Let’s go to the line edit. My comments in red.

Saturday, April 6 Argh. You don’t need a time tag. Find a way to weave it into the narrative if it’s important. Are you in flashback or about to jump in time or geography? If not, don’t bother. Time tags set up expectations in readers’ minds — they see one and they think you’re going to jerk them around in time and space. 

CHAPTER ONE

The tinkling of the harp drifts upstairs to the bedroom level. My Louboutin stilettos plunge into the high pile thick beige carpet. I step carefully, concerned the point will catch the carpet and snag it, possibly sending me flying across the room. Worried that I will trip. (Keep physical choregraphy simple!) Crossing the bedroom, past the loveseat and gas fireplace, I stop in front of Curt I go to Curt, pause and cup his face in my hands. and hold his face in my hands. His fresh shaved skin is soft under my fingers. The musky scent of his aftershave lingers around him. Be specific. “Musky” is cliche. If it is worth mentioning, make it mean something, as you did with Louboutins: The woodsy-clove smell of his Sauvage cologne drifts up to me, making me remember when we were in college and the Brut he used to buy at the drugstore. (Make it mean something! Dribble in backstory!)

He moves closer and places his lips on mine. kisses me. Set this off by itself.

“You ready for your big night?” I ask. This party is to celebrate Curt, but I need it to secure my social standing in Arlington and Washington, D.C. Let this info come out more naturally later.

“Do we really have to go downstairs?” Curt murmurs in my ear. His lips brush the top of my ear. His breath is warm on my cheek.

“Do I have to remind you that this birthday party is for you? I spent months planning.”

Physical movement needs new graph. Let dialogue stand on its own, I step backward. After all the effort I’ve put into this, I can’t believe he’d indicate he doesn’t appreciate it, doesn’t want it.

“You know, I didn’t really want to make a big deal this year.” Curt sounds weary. She has stepped away from him and he should react to that. Maybe he DOES something that conveys weariness. She’s in a gown you say later. What is he wearing? Agaiin, description and details matter. Maybe he tugs at his tuxedo tie? SHOW don’t TELL.

Slow breath in, slow breath out. I won’t lose my temper with Curt tonight. How about: I won’t lose my temper. Not tonight. By making it into two sentences, you stress that she has lost it before and that tonight , for some reason, must be different.  Again, look for any small ways to increase the tension.

“Curt, these parties are important. Milestones are important. 35 Never start a sentence with a numeral. “A thirty-fifth birtday is imporant.”  is a big deal, especially with all the success you’ve had.” I pause. “Connections in this city are everything. You know that. Everyone from your work, and mine, here is where you can hint at what they do. “Work” is too meh.  “Everyone from the law office will be here. Everyone on both sides of aisle. Everyone from K Street. BE SPECIFIC will be here.”

You need a break here. Because what’s coming next is important. Curt may have been born with a silver spoon in his mouth in Washington, D.C. and the surrounding suburbs, Yikes, watch your syntax here. He wasn’t born in DC AND the suburbs. Do you mean to say that he was born wealthy and NOW his position in DC is crucial? Clarify. but I wasn’t. I had to work for every single connection, and this party is part of that. Tell us what her job is.

But I am worried about what’s on Curt’s mind. Find a way to SHOW us, don’t tell us, she’s worried. Something’s been weighing on him. Something like: I take another step back so I can get a clearer look at him. There were dark circles under his eyes, like he hadn’t slept. It wasn’t just the party. Something else was bothering him. 

He slowly turned and went to sit on the edge of the bed. You need this action. “Alicia, stop. I don’t want to have this argument again. The party is happening.” Not sure what you mean here. Is he saying, yes, I will go downstairs. Or we have to go downstairs. 

Pouting, This is out of mood and character and makes her look childish. I sit on the bed next to him. You never had him sit down. I play the role he expects. Not sure what you’re getting at here. The dutiful wife? She does nothing here. 

“Alicia, I love you. You know that. The party will be fun. I appreciate all the work you’ve put into it.” He rests his hand on my thigh. Well, that’s rather brotherly. They ARE SITTING ON A BED (theirs?) Surely, such a cool motion makes her react or think something? Don’t let these moments go to waste.

PROBLEM HERE. You did a nice job of building tension between these two and suddenly, whiplash. She gets lovey-dovey, chirping and kissy? It makes no emotional sense. See next graph.

A smile pulls at the corner of my mouth. SIMPLIFY: I stood up and smiled. I stand beside Curt, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, and giving him a squeeze. “It’s going to be the party of the year,” I chirp and kiss the top of his ear softly. Need to rewrite this graph. If she stands up, remember that he is still seated and she would have to bend down to squeeze/kiss him. And I don’t buy the change in her emotions. Make it transition somehow.

“Don’t start things you’re not prepared to finish.”

I laugh. “We’ll finish this later.” Again, the mood change is way too abrupt. You’ve leached the tension out of your opening. 

“I will come back to this after the party.” Curt’s finger trails down the v-neck of my gown. Have him stand up first He always knows how to diffuse a situation, including my temper. You’re too close to romance cliche here. Suddenly, the maiden succumbs to the man’s “charms”? You can do better.

Okay, dear writer. I think you’ve got a good start here and I like the tension you’ve set up between Alicia and Curt. This is a start and I would like to know what will happen to this couple. Think about paying more attention to “world building” here. I know it’s not of mega-universe proportions, ie, you’re not sending us off to the distant planet of Uvardis. But hey, the world of Washington society and politics is pretty weird and alien. Make it come alive for your characters — and your readers.

Thanks for your submission!

 

 

 

Description Creates a Mood

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Description should create a mood that matches the emotion of the POV character. If we all stood in the same yard at the same time, we’d interpret the atmosphere in difference ways, colored by personal circumstance and experience.

A fearful character sees, smells, hears, tastes, and touches differently than a joyful character, and the milieu should reflect that difference through word choices, pacing, and viewpoint. The fearful character won’t detect colorful finches flitting from tree to tree or the sweet melody of birdsong. Instead, narrow focus to enhance the scene.

Also, this is not the time for the fearful character to overthink with long, rambling musings. Stay in the moment.

The fearful character might interpret their environment like this…

The moon refused to brighten the path, the forest dark, ominous. Trees loomed, froze. Leaves quaked. Stars cowered in the haze. Each footstep that neared — deliberate, slow, methodical — crunched dead flora. Sweet pine soured by the raw stench of death. Blood crawled across my tongue, vomit lurching in my throat.

Same setting filtered through a joyful character’s perspective…

The moon’s golden smolder caressed the hiking trail below the deck, the forest content and celebrating the reunion of nocturnal friends. Paws pattering, wings breathing new life into the evening hours, the sweetness of pine kissing soft fur and feathers as they flitted by. Strawberry wine slipped across my palate as I basked under the umbrella of stars in the night sky.

WORD CHOICE, SENTENCE STRUCTURE, AND PACE

For the fearful character, I used punchy verbs (loomed, quaked, cowered, soured, crawled, lurched), staccato sentences, and offset longer sentences with em dashes to maintain the pace. The only gerund varied the sentence structure and rhythm. I also juxtaposed — sweet pine soured by the raw stench of death — but we’ll get to that after.

With the joyful character, I used softer verbs (caressed, celebrating, pattering, breathing, kissing, flitted) longer sentences, and gerunds to create a relaxing pace.

TICKLE THE SENSES

I used four senses in the fearful character’s example.

Sight: self-explanatory

Sound: the footstep — deliberate, slow, methodical — crunched dead flora

Smell: soured pine, raw stench of death

Taste: decomp, vomit

I could include touch (rough tree bark), but I wanted to keep it brief. Too much description destroys the urgency of fear.

In the joyful character’s example, I also used four.

Sight: self-explanatory

Sound: paws pattering, wings breathing

Smell: sweetness of pine

Taste: strawberry wine

“Soft fur” could indicate touch, I suppose, but without the character actively petting an animal. Here again, I kept it brief. As a reader and a writer, I prefer quick descriptions dabbled in here and there, rather than read or write endless paragraphs. A little goes a long way.

FILTER THROUGH EXPERIENCE

Maybe the fearful character witnessed a failed suicide attempt when he found a relative hanging in the backyard before the rope snapped. Or a bad guy hanged them. In either scenario, a tree phobia would make sense. The forest is the last place they want to be, and the description should reflect their emotional response.

I kept my examples generic on purpose, but filtering through the POV character’s experience enhances the mood of the scene. Again, don’t go nuts. We don’t need or want endless paragraphs of backstory. Keep it brief.

ONOMATOPOEIA 

Onomatopoeia words help create a visceral response in the reader. Again, don’t go overboard. Moderation is key.

Caw (C’mon, you knew I had to start with my beloved crows ;-))

Bang

Ahem

Belch

Splash

Hiss

Click

Argh

Chirp

Buzz

Clang

Achoo

Blare

Crackle

Bash

Clank

Bark

Clap

Crash

Boom

Zip

Chatter

Ding

Boo

Cuckoo

Blab

Bawl

Blare

Blurt

Chomp

Clap

Chortle

Cough

Crack

Gurgle

Grunt

Guffaw

Hack

Hiccup

Howl

Jangle

Hoot

Jingle

Knock

Moan

Mumble

Murmur

Mutter

Neigh

Oink

Phew

Pluck

Plunk

Poof

Pop

Purr

Prowl

Ring

Rip

Roar

Rumble

Rush

Rustle

Screech

Shuffle

Shush

Sizzle

Slash

Slither

Slosh

Slurp

Smack

Snap

Snarl

Snip

Snort

Splash

Splatter

Squawk

Squelch

Thud

Trickle

Waffle

Whisper

Whizz

Whoop

Whoosh

Yelp

Zoom

Zing

Zap

JUXATAPOSITION 

“Juxta” is Latin for “next to.” And “pose” means to place. To juxtapose is to “place next to.”

Now, the two can be opposites.

Dark and light.

Despair and hope.

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”

Opposites are not mandatory to juxtapose, though.

What juxtaposition should do is show a contrast filtered through the POV character.

I slept while you were dying.

Rose petals edged her torture chamber.

Warmth slashed through an endless pit of darkness.

Okie doke. TKZ, let’s discuss.

 

 

When to Be a Crazy Dumbsaint of the Mind

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by James Scott Bell
@jamesscottbell

Jack Kerouac

Every college boy who wanted to be a writer back in the day when I trod the quad of my institute of higher education, went through a Jack Kerouac phase. This usually followed a Hemingway phase. In my case, I went through both simultaneously, which will blow your mind, man.

Hemingway, master of lean prose; and Kerouac, who spilled words on paper like Pollock tossed paint on canvas. Both authors had the added attraction of a personal brand—Hemingway, the man’s man, running with the bulls; and Kerouac, the “angel-headed hipster” driving freely across America in search of beatitude, with a jazz soundtrack.

Kerouac (1922-1969) was dubbed the bard of the Beat Generation for his novel, On the Road (1957). He famously typed it on a 120-foot-long scroll of paper so he wouldn’t have to stop his flying fingers. In three weeks, fueled by Benzedrine and coffee, Kerouac produced the first draft of the book that made him famous. I do not recommend this method.

A second novel, The Dharma Bums (1958) cemented his reputation.

After that, in the humble opinion of your scribe, his prose became increasingly unreadable. No doubt his drinking had something to do with it—booze killed him at the age of 47.

He once typed out his writing advice, and from the looks of it he was, perhaps, stimulated. Fasten your seatbelt:

  1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for yr own joy
  2. Submissive to everything, open, listening
  3. Try never get drunk outside yr own house
  4. Be in love with yr life
  5. Something that you feel will find its own form
  6. Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind
  7. Blow as deep as you want to blow
  8. Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind
  9. The unspeakable visions of the individual
  10. No time for poetry but exactly what is
  11. Visionary tics shivering in the chest
  12. In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you
  13. Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition
  14. Like Proust be an old teahead of time
  15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog

Okay, pause to catch breath. Yes, Kerouac was a “wild” “crazy dumbsaint” writer. Because of that, some of the prose in On the Road is exquisite. Like this oft quoted passage:

…and I shambled after as usual as I’ve been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

But I can’t let #5 go without comment. The form of his later books seems to me to get increasingly messy (experimental) like the floor of a VW microbus driven across country by the Merry Pranksters. I think his “spontaneous prose” worked best in On the Road and The Dharma Bums because those already had a structure—they are really autobiography with the names changed, and much of the material was already in Kerouac’s journals. He was recording his experiences, not making up fiction.

  1. The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye
  2. Write in recollection and amazement for yourself
  3. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea
  4. Accept loss forever
  5. Believe in the holy contour of life
  6. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind
  7. Don’t think of words when you stop but to see picture better
  8. Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning
  9. No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge
  10. Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it
  11. Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form
  12. In praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness
  13. Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better
  14. You’re a Genius all the time
  15. Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven

This all reads more like a window into Kerouac’s writer-mind than, say, an outline for a writing workshop. But there is one takeaway I might recommend.

I think the pursuit of writing gems, of style that elevates certain moments in your novel, is worth it. Maybe now more than ever what with AI cranking out colorless, soulless prose. Want to stand out in the tsunami of AI-generated cr*p? This is one way to do it.

What I do when I come to a moment of intense emotion is start a fresh document and begin “wild…pure…typewritten pages” telling “the true story of the world in interior monolog.” I type without “literary grammatical and syntactical inhibitions” to get to “bottomless from bottom of the mind.” I stay “submissive to everything, open, listening.”

When I’m done I’ll have 250 – 500 words of be-bop prose rhapsody, “swimming in language sea.” From that I can select, rearrange, tweak, and choose the best parts. Maybe even just one sentence, but that sentence will be choice.

So did any of these “tips” resonate with you? Blow as deep as you want to blow.