By PJ Parrish

Good morning, crime dogs. Or, should I say, love dogs. Because I’m abandoning my normal dark and stormy heart to critique a romance submission today.  Hey, this is how I got into this business many moons ago. And I’m so not old that I don’t remember how it felt when the stars make you drool just like paste fazool. See you on the flip side.

Saturday, April 6

CHAPTER ONE

The tinkling of the harp drifts upstairs to the bedroom level. My Louboutin stilettos plunge into the high pile beige carpet. I step carefully, concerned the point will catch the carpet and snag it, possibly sending me flying across the room. Crossing the bedroom, past the loveseat and gas fireplace, I stop in front of Curt and hold his face in my hands. His fresh shaved skin is soft under my fingers. The musky scent of his aftershave lingers around him. He moves closer and places his lips on mine.

“You ready for your big night?” I ask. This party is to celebrate Curt, but I need it to secure my social standing in Arlington and Washington, D.C.

“Do we really have to go downstairs?” Curt murmurs in my ear. His lips brush the top of my ear. His breath is warm on my cheek.

“Do I have to remind you that this birthday party is for you? I spent months planning.” I step backward. After all the effort I’ve put into this, I can’t believe he’d indicate he doesn’t appreciate it, doesn’t want it.

“You know, I didn’t really want to make a big deal this year.” Curt sounds weary.

Slow breath in, slow breath out. I won’t lose my temper with Curt tonight. “Curt, these parties are important. Milestones are important. 35 is a big deal, especially with all the success you’ve had.” I pause. “Connections in this city are everything. You know that. Everyone from your work, and mine, will be here.” He may have been born with a silver spoon in his mouth in Washington, D.C. and the surrounding suburbs, but I wasn’t. I work for every single connection, and this party is part of that. But I am worried about what’s on Curt’s mind. Something’s been weighing on him.

“Alicia, stop. I don’t want to have this argument again. The party is happening.”

Pouting, I sit on the bed next to him. I play the role he expects.

“Alicia, I love you. You know that. The party will be fun. I appreciate all the work you’ve put into it.” He rests his hand on my thigh.

A smile pulls at the corner of my mouth. I stand beside Curt, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, and giving him a squeeze. “It’s going to be the party of the year,” I chirp and kiss the top of his ear softly.

“Don’t start things you’re not prepared to finish.”

I laugh. “We’ll finish this later.”

“I will come back to this after the party.” Curt’s finger trails down the v-neck of my gown. He always knows how to diffuse a situation, including my temper.

_________________________

You know, romance and crime fiction aren’t all that different at heart. Both are fueled by passions. Both depend on a build up and release of tension. Both imply a satisfying ending — be it a happily ever or justice served.

The rules for success in either genre are similar:

• Build believable three-dimensional characters. And keep a firm control, via your plotting, on what they do.
• Keep it fresh. Avoid the sad cliches that can bring your story down to the mundane and get it rejected, either by an editor or an Amazon browser. The boozy cop in conflict with his superior is just as tiresome as a breathless (always green-eyed) beauty who falls for a bad boy at first sight. Be original or be gone.
• Create a juicy conflict and a disruption in the protagonist’s world. Tension in crime fiction usually arises from murder. Tension in a romance can come from personal relationships, a couple’s differing backgrounds or family dysfunction. (Romeo and Juliet).

The main differences? Sex and death. Romance has to have the former. Crime fiction has to have the latter. I used to joke that I got out of the romance novel biz because I got tired of sex. (See video at end). There are infinitely more ways to kill someone than to bed them. So I have great respect for romance writers who make it all feel new again.

As for our submission today, it didn’t come in with a set genre tag. So I am guessing that it is romance. Could be romantic suspense, but no way to tell with such a limited sample. So forgive me, submitting writer, if I err.

What I like about this submission is there is definately some tension, right from the get-go. Alicia and Curt at clearly at odds. On the surface, it is about his not wanting to go to the party. But something deeper is going on between these two because the author makes a point of telling us that Alicia is uneasy about their social gap

Curt was born with “a silver spoon in his mouth” in Washington D.C. circles while Alicia had to work hard for every connection she has made. So kudos, writer, for bringing in some tension early. You could have made the first 400 words all lovey-dovely but you wisely began layering some conflict in with Alicia’s thoughts.

You have a pretty good grip on dialogue. I like how you use it to convey information and build tension between the couple.  It’s not just gooey chitchat, and you don’t have any throat-clearing.

Some things could have made this scene a little stronger, however.

Drop a hint about what this party is about. You say the couple both recognize it is important, so put in a few choice details to pique our interest further. I would like to know, at this point:

Where are we? You are too spare on description. A sense of luxury is faintly implied: She wears $1500 heels and there’s a thick carpet and a loveset in the bedroom. A harpist is playing. It this their home? Is this their wedding day? Have they snuck upstairs at an embassy party for a quickie? Whose bedroom is this? If it’s theirs, well, you missed a chance to up the tension even more — they sit down on a bed as they argue. Can there be a more potent metaphor for conflict?

Why be coy? A little world-building would help.

I get peevish when writers withhold description. Yes, you don’t want too much too early. But we get more details on how Curt smells than where we are. Don’t be afraid to SHOW us where we are. Description is a powerful tool — it helps create mood and can really enhance your tension.

Let’s go to the line edit. My comments in red.

Saturday, April 6 Argh. You don’t need a time tag. Find a way to weave it into the narrative if it’s important. Are you in flashback or about to jump in time or geography? If not, don’t bother. Time tags set up expectations in readers’ minds — they see one and they think you’re going to jerk them around in time and space. 

CHAPTER ONE

The tinkling of the harp drifts upstairs to the bedroom level. My Louboutin stilettos plunge into the high pile thick beige carpet. I step carefully, concerned the point will catch the carpet and snag it, possibly sending me flying across the room. Worried that I will trip. (Keep physical choregraphy simple!) Crossing the bedroom, past the loveseat and gas fireplace, I stop in front of Curt I go to Curt, pause and cup his face in my hands. and hold his face in my hands. His fresh shaved skin is soft under my fingers. The musky scent of his aftershave lingers around him. Be specific. “Musky” is cliche. If it is worth mentioning, make it mean something, as you did with Louboutins: The woodsy-clove smell of his Sauvage cologne drifts up to me, making me remember when we were in college and the Brut he used to buy at the drugstore. (Make it mean something! Dribble in backstory!)

He moves closer and places his lips on mine. kisses me. Set this off by itself.

“You ready for your big night?” I ask. This party is to celebrate Curt, but I need it to secure my social standing in Arlington and Washington, D.C. Let this info come out more naturally later.

“Do we really have to go downstairs?” Curt murmurs in my ear. His lips brush the top of my ear. His breath is warm on my cheek.

“Do I have to remind you that this birthday party is for you? I spent months planning.”

Physical movement needs new graph. Let dialogue stand on its own, I step backward. After all the effort I’ve put into this, I can’t believe he’d indicate he doesn’t appreciate it, doesn’t want it.

“You know, I didn’t really want to make a big deal this year.” Curt sounds weary. She has stepped away from him and he should react to that. Maybe he DOES something that conveys weariness. She’s in a gown you say later. What is he wearing? Agaiin, description and details matter. Maybe he tugs at his tuxedo tie? SHOW don’t TELL.

Slow breath in, slow breath out. I won’t lose my temper with Curt tonight. How about: I won’t lose my temper. Not tonight. By making it into two sentences, you stress that she has lost it before and that tonight , for some reason, must be different.  Again, look for any small ways to increase the tension.

“Curt, these parties are important. Milestones are important. 35 Never start a sentence with a numeral. “A thirty-fifth birtday is imporant.”  is a big deal, especially with all the success you’ve had.” I pause. “Connections in this city are everything. You know that. Everyone from your work, and mine, here is where you can hint at what they do. “Work” is too meh.  “Everyone from the law office will be here. Everyone on both sides of aisle. Everyone from K Street. BE SPECIFIC will be here.”

You need a break here. Because what’s coming next is important. Curt may have been born with a silver spoon in his mouth in Washington, D.C. and the surrounding suburbs, Yikes, watch your syntax here. He wasn’t born in DC AND the suburbs. Do you mean to say that he was born wealthy and NOW his position in DC is crucial? Clarify. but I wasn’t. I had to work for every single connection, and this party is part of that. Tell us what her job is.

But I am worried about what’s on Curt’s mind. Find a way to SHOW us, don’t tell us, she’s worried. Something’s been weighing on him. Something like: I take another step back so I can get a clearer look at him. There were dark circles under his eyes, like he hadn’t slept. It wasn’t just the party. Something else was bothering him. 

He slowly turned and went to sit on the edge of the bed. You need this action. “Alicia, stop. I don’t want to have this argument again. The party is happening.” Not sure what you mean here. Is he saying, yes, I will go downstairs. Or we have to go downstairs. 

Pouting, This is out of mood and character and makes her look childish. I sit on the bed next to him. You never had him sit down. I play the role he expects. Not sure what you’re getting at here. The dutiful wife? She does nothing here. 

“Alicia, I love you. You know that. The party will be fun. I appreciate all the work you’ve put into it.” He rests his hand on my thigh. Well, that’s rather brotherly. They ARE SITTING ON A BED (theirs?) Surely, such a cool motion makes her react or think something? Don’t let these moments go to waste.

PROBLEM HERE. You did a nice job of building tension between these two and suddenly, whiplash. She gets lovey-dovey, chirping and kissy? It makes no emotional sense. See next graph.

A smile pulls at the corner of my mouth. SIMPLIFY: I stood up and smiled. I stand beside Curt, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, and giving him a squeeze. “It’s going to be the party of the year,” I chirp and kiss the top of his ear softly. Need to rewrite this graph. If she stands up, remember that he is still seated and she would have to bend down to squeeze/kiss him. And I don’t buy the change in her emotions. Make it transition somehow.

“Don’t start things you’re not prepared to finish.”

I laugh. “We’ll finish this later.” Again, the mood change is way too abrupt. You’ve leached the tension out of your opening. 

“I will come back to this after the party.” Curt’s finger trails down the v-neck of my gown. Have him stand up first He always knows how to diffuse a situation, including my temper. You’re too close to romance cliche here. Suddenly, the maiden succumbs to the man’s “charms”? You can do better.

Okay, dear writer. I think you’ve got a good start here and I like the tension you’ve set up between Alicia and Curt. This is a start and I would like to know what will happen to this couple. Think about paying more attention to “world building” here. I know it’s not of mega-universe proportions, ie, you’re not sending us off to the distant planet of Uvardis. But hey, the world of Washington society and politics is pretty weird and alien. Make it come alive for your characters — and your readers.

Thanks for your submission!