Your Choice of Vehicle: Steam or Purple Prose
I spent two days this week preparing for my meeting with my tax accountant. Those are my two least favorite days of the year. To make it worse, my wife and I changed banks between March and June of last year. So, with a farm account and a business account, I had four sets of documents to organize. By the end of the first evening I was ready to tear my hair out. But, with my wife’s patience and a good night’s sleep, I made it through.
I did decide that I should use that pain in my writing, or at least for this post, something along the lines of over-the-top purple prose to describe the old fat Mr. Taxagain N. Again. I thought some of you might enjoy venting your simmering contempt for the old geezer.
Then I looked at the National Days calendar and discovered that March 8th is National “Be Nasty Day,” a time to pull no punches and say what your really want to say to someone who has been less than kind to you. Great! We now have two choices: a) Let the IRS know what you really think about them, or b) Respond to a former teacher/prof/agent/editor/colleague who told us we had no aptitude for writing, or made unkind remarks about our writing.
So, let’s vent some steam (or purple prose) today . Pick one (or both) of the options below and let it rip. You’ll feel better afterwards.
- Describe the old fat IRS Tax collector, Mr. Tax-Until-They-Drop, with as much purple prose as you wish, or just tell us what you really think of him.
- Craft a no-holds-barred response to someone who has belittled your writing.
Ah! You should feel better now. And if you don’t, take an aspirin and call me in the morning.
I don’t mess with the tax man. But for the average politician I refer to the Shakespeare Insult Generator:
Thou qualling clapper-clawed flap-dragon.
Thou degenerate spur-galled horse-drench.
Thou frothy toad-spotted malt-worm.
’Nuff said.
Great lines, Jim. I had not heard of the Shakespeare Insult Generator. I must check it out.
It’s probably best, in this age of electronic listening, to take care in whom we insult. With four score and seven thousand new individuals looking for trouble, it’s best to not draw their attention. Sad.
Thank goodness that politicians are always fair game. They have truly earned it.
And…after last night (Ahem!), this fits perfectly! 🙂
I will not mention any names.
Exactly, Deb. We may sling mud at politicians in general, but we must not take sides. (TKZ rules).
After JSB’s comments, I think we all need a primer course on use of the Shakespeare Insult Generator. Do you think that AI has Shakespeare’s vocabulary in its database? I hope that it doesn’t. Can’t you just see a computer scratching its head?
And there is absolutely no doubt that there were some stimulants in last night’s pregame ice cream. Yes, siree, Bob!
Have an anonymous weekend!
Haha!
Ah the tax man
One of my professors had been audited so many times he had an office set up in his home for nothing but the tax papers and the auditor.
I live in Missouri. We don’t hire the best and the brightest for state workers, we hire politicians in-laws. One year I needed to file a Federal 1040X. I hadn’t filed state taxes yet so I used the 1040X with the corrected information for my state taxes. Promptly got a stack of warnings and notices of fines. Call the state. We are going over my return and they have the wrong numbers. They have the original 1040 not the fixed 1040X. After fixing their mistake the lady asks about the interest and fines and how I am paying them. Told her I wasn’t paying a dime for their bad math.
I hear you, Alan. I use a tax accountant to make certain I stay out of trouble. But, 3 or 4 years ago, one of the state taxes was not recorded properly in the state’s computers. About every six months I get another letter threatening me with a lien on my property. I promptly call my accountant and ask to be reassured that I have indeed paid that tax. She reassures me, calls the state, who promise to fix the computer entry. Then, six months later, I get another letter.
I was once told by a source whom I will not divulge, that among the secretaries in my state’s tax office, there is a lot of fingernail polishing going on ( and little else.)
Have a tax-free weekend.
Many years ago, we were audited. In the process, we offered indisputable proof to substantiate our position. Plus we found additional documentation that entitled us to a larger refund.
The next year, auditors tried again. More proof, more documentation, a larger refund.
Same story the following year.
Then they stopped auditing us. I guess it was costing them too much money for diminishing returns. [Bada-boom!]
Way to go, Debbie.
I had a similar experience forty years ago when I was early in my practice. The IRS called and threatened. I talked to my tax accountant. He picked up a large box with all my papers, told me to stay home, then went off to do battle. A week later, he presented me with a check. He was a former IRS employee and knew the ropes. Ernie was a good man.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Have a great weekend!
Steve, I feel your pain. I’m going through the same process now.
It’s bad enough that we have to spend days pulling together reams of documentation so that our accountant can file a perfect return, but to have the IRS question it because they don’t understand their own rules is a little ridiculous. I started to compose an “Ode to the Tax Man” after I read your post but decided against it. My mother told me I should never use those words.
I understand, Kay. Your mother was probably right. And, now, the subject in question seems to have grown thinner skin. I understand that we never actually ended up with four score and seven thousand of them, but it’s such a nice historic number.
I also realized, after JSB’s first sentence, that few will stick their neck out today. We’re all hunkering down like prairie dogs in our holes. That axe looks too sharp, and those long range rifles are just took accurate.
Don’t go looking for trouble today. You just might find it.
It was a dark and stormy night . . . er, morning, last year. Standing in the county treasurer’s office to deal with property taxes. Which, BTW, should never happen, because it is OUR property, bought and paid for. But, I digress…
We were told, as I recall, that there was a lien on part of our five acres, something to do with my mother’s interest in it. We’d set that up through an attorney when my mother moved in with us for a time, to protect her assets. It’s kind of fuzzy in my mind how that all worked way back in 2012.
But here was this clerk telling us there was a lien, and my mom’s interest in the property was the cause somehow. I leaned over the counter and said, “You mean the Mom who died in 2016 . . . seven years ago?”
“Oh,” she says. “You must bring me her death certificate.”
“You mean the certificate that’s on file with the county, the county for which you work? And the one that is recorded on the website to which you have access?” I ask with as much nasty as I can come up with.
She printed it out for herself and we went on our way, lien-less.
Oy! That’s the only purple prose I’m using this morning.
Oy! That’s grand, Deb. I must learn, in those kind of situations, to stop the steam from coming out of my ears, and ask questions.
Your story gives new meaning to the lyrics of the song, “Lean on me.” :
For it won’t be long
Till I’m gonna need somebody to lean on.
No liening this weekend!
Thanks for opening the pressure valve today. Feels good!
It has been my contention that the only reason to collect taxes EVER, is for public safety and infrastructure. After that, it’s all pork and toys -IMHO. But then I tend to rub two pennies together to be sure I get the most value, do without if possible, and fix whatever’s broke before buying new. Every line of our tax return this year caused a grinding of my gears, but it’s nothing new – “refund” (MY MONEY that did not earn interest) or “money owed”. Anyway, the illustrious songwriter said it best, with appropriate vitriol, describing the entitlement of that onerous bureau, so I defer to his brilliance.
George Harrison (Revolver album) said it best, even though some of the references are for British pols:
Let me tell you how it will be
There’s one for you, nineteen for me
‘Cause I’m the taxman
Yeah, I’m the taxman
Should five percent appear too small
Be thankful I don’t take it all
‘Cause I’m the taxman
Yeah, I’m the taxman
I’ll tax the street
(If you try to sit) I’ll tax your seat
(If you get too cold) I’ll tax the heat
(If you take a walk) I’ll tax your feet
(Taxman)
‘Cause I’m the taxman
Yeah, I’m the taxman
Don’t ask me what I want it for
(Ah, ah, Mr. Wilson)
If you don’t want to pay some more
(Ah, ah, Mr. Heath)
‘Cause I’m the taxman
Yeah, I’m the taxman
Now my advice for those who die (taxman)
Declare the pennies on your eyes (taxman)
‘Cause I’m the taxman
Yeah, I’m the taxman
And you’re working for no one but me (taxman)
Thanks, Susan. My response below.
I don’t harbor ill will toward anyone, even those who deserve it. Hatred is much too heavy to lug around. Plus, nothing irks miserable people more than a smile or kind word. 😉 Mercilessly murdering them on the page also helps. LOL
Enjoy your weekend, Steve!
Good point, Sue. Keep on murdering them on the page, and smile while you write it.
Have a wonderful weekend!
Apologies if this is posted twice. Big brother must’ve been watching when I wrote the first time and “unsliced” it.
GEORGE HARRISON said it best on the album “REVOLVER”
I defer to his genius for sneering and derision without profanity.
“One, two, three, four
One, two (one, two, three, four)
Let me tell you how it will be
There’s one for you, nineteen for me
‘Cause I’m the taxman
Yeah, I’m the taxman
Should five percent appear too small
Be thankful I don’t take it all
‘Cause I’m the taxman
Yeah, I’m the taxman
I’ll tax the street
(If you try to sit, sit) I’ll tax your seat
(If you get too cold, cold) I’ll tax the heat
(If you take a walk, walk) I’ll tax your feet
(Taxman)
‘Cause I’m the taxman
Yeah, I’m the taxman
Don’t ask me what I want it for
(Ah, ah, Mr. Wilson)
If you don’t want to pay some more
(Ah, ah, Mr. Heath)
‘Cause I’m the taxman
Yeah, I’m the taxman
Now my advice for those who die (taxman)
Declare the pennies on your eyes (taxman)
‘Cause I’m the taxman
Yeah, I’m the taxman
And you’re working for no one but me (taxman)”
Thanks, Susan. I’m glad you vented some steam. George Harrison really nailed it with his lyrics. I’d forgotten about his song.
I’m with you on saving pennies. And those pork and toys, maybe we should call them “toy pork.”
Thanks for a great contribution today. Have a good weekend!