How many hours per day/week do you write? Ballpark.
How many hours per day/week do you read? Ballpark.
Do you wish you could write/read more? Or are you happy with your schedule?
A novel’s opening chapter makes a promise, a secret vow that says, “This is what you can expect from me.”
The chapters that follow better fulfill that promise, or the author will suffer the consequences with low-ratings, bad reviews, or their name on the Don’t Not Read list.
Yes, the promise is that important. It’s how we build and maintain an audience. It’s how we climb the proverbial ladder of success. It’s how we keep readers hungering for more. This solemn vow can NEVER be broken.
So far this month I’ve read three novels (all 5 stars). I average about one novel per week, along with nonfiction (craft books or true crime). None of my recent reads landed within my preferred genres of psychological thrillers, dark & gritty mysteries, and serial killer thrillers, but I feel it’s important for writers to venture outside their genres from time to time.
For my next read, I wavered between WIN by Harlen Coben or Book 2 of a serial killer thriller series from one of my auto-buy authors. I devoured Book 1 in a couple days, and I’d been dyin’ to read Book 2 for a while now, so I bought the $9.99 ebook. Immediately, the author transported me to a serial killer’s lair with the protagonist bound and helpless. I was enthralled. As I said, I’d been looking forward to this novel for a while and the opener didn’t disappoint.
Without sharing the title, I’ll show you how the writer sucked me into the scene.
Darkness.
It swirled around him deep and thick, eating the light and leaving nothing behind but an inky void. A fog choked his thoughts—the words tried to come together, tried to form a cohesive sentence, to find meaning, but the moment they seemed close, they were swallowed up and gone, replaced by a growing sense of dread, a feeling of heaviness—his body sinking into the murky depths of a long-forgotten body of water.
Moist scent.
Mildew.
Damp.
[Protagonist] wanted to open his eyes.
Had to open his eyes.
They fought him though, held tight.
His head ached, throbbed.
A pulsing pain behind his right ear—at his temple too.
“Try not to move, [Protagonist’s name]. Wouldn’t want you to get sick.”
The voice was distant, muffled, familiar.
[Protagonist] was lying down.
Cold steel beneath the tips of his fingers.
He remembered the shot then. A needle at the base of his neck, a quick stab, cold liquid rushing under his skin into the muscle, then—
Gripping, tense, love the story rhythm, the way he pauses at just the right moment. I could not flip the pages fast enough. Lovin’ every second of it!
And then…
In the next chapter, I find out it was all a dream. Infuriated, I almost whipped my Kindle across the room. One of my auto-buy authors wrote this thriller, and I expected him to fulfill the promise he made to me. Instead, he cheated. I was so disappointed, I refused to keep reading. He’d broken my trust. He let me down.
Sounds harsh, doesn’t it? But that’s exactly how I felt.
The emptiness he inflicted left me hungering for a visceral, gritty, serial killer thriller, one that would fulfill its promise.
I downloaded thriller number two.
Without revealing the title or author, here’s a small sampling of that opener.
I woke up from a gentle shake. My sister’s face hovered a few inches above mine, her eyes glistening wet. A grinding sound came from her jaw as it moved back and forth.
I shivered.
[Sister] put her fingers against my lips. “SSSH. Nod if you understand,” she whispered.
I nodded.
My room was freezing from the cold wind blowing in through my open window.
“The monsters are coming for us. Be very quiet. We’re escaping,” she whispered.
I nodded again, biting my lip hard to not cry.
Was there a monster in my closet? Behind my closed bedroom door?
My heart thrashed against my ribs like a bird trying to escape its cage. Why were the monsters after us?
We learn the protagonist is a child and her older sister is rescuing her from an imminent threat. Other than a few writing tics, like SSSH instead of Shh…, the author did a terrific job of showing the action. Finally, I could sink into a gripping read. Or so I thought.
The next chapter (Ch. 1) consisted of pages and pages of backstory. No plot, only backstory. The premise still intrigued me, so I kept reading. Then I hit a flashback that dragged on for several pages. The worst part? It added nothing to the main storyline.
Still, because the prologue was so good, I read on. The prologue had raised many, many story questions, and I wanted answers. But in Chapter 2, I read more pages and pages of backstory and another flashback. The next chapter was equally disappointing, with more pages of backstory and a third (fourth?) flashback. I lost count.
Whiplashed from being thrown forward, then backward, I couldn’t take it anymore and closed the book. A good premise will only take you so far. At some point, you need to deliver on the promise you made to the reader.
The third novel I bought—all in same day, I might add—began with a slow burn opener. A girl is emptying a bucket of oil into the dumpster behind Burger King. It doesn’t sound like much on the surface, but the co-authors held my interest. Which, after being burned twice in a matter of hours, wasn’t an easy task.
Here’s the opening of DEAD END GIRL by L.T. Vargus & Tim McBain:
Corduroy pants swished between Teresa’s thighs as she crossed the parking lot. She had a headache. That drive-thru headset gave her a headache every damn time. The band squeezed her skull like an old man trying to find a ripe cantaloupe in the produce department. Pressing and pressing until her temples throbbed. When the headaches were really bad, she got the aura. And it was gonna be a bad one tonight. She could already tell.
By the time she got home, she’d be nauseous from the skull throb along with the stink of fryer grease clinging to her clothes and hair and skin. Sometimes she swore she could feel it permeating her pores.
She placed a hand under the lid of the dumpster and lifted. The overhead lights in the parking lot glinted on the surface below. It looked like water, but it wasn’t. It was oil. Every night they emptied the fryers, dumping the used oil into this dumpster. It was a disgusting task. Worse than taking out the trash on a 90-degree summer day, when the flies got real thick, and the meat went rancid almost as soon as they put it in the bin.
It was dead out. No traffic. No noise at all but her fiddling with the dumpster and the bucket.
Her skin crawled a little whenever she was out here this late. In the dark. In the quiet. A feeling settled into the flesh on her back and shoulders, a cold feeling, a feeling like after watching one of those scary movies when she was a teenager. It might have been a thrill while she was watching, but later on that night she’d always get spooked. She’d tremble in bed, too terrified to walk down the hall to pee. The house never seemed so ominously still as it did on those nights. Anyhow, she couldn’t stand to watch horror movies anymore. Her weak stomach couldn’t handle the gore.
Bending over the metal cart she’d wheeled along with her, Teresa scooped one of the buckets of used fryer oil and balanced it on the edge of the dumpster. She tipped the bucket and watched as the gallons of brown grease oozed into the dumpster, disrupting the smoothness.
Settled at the bottom of the bucket, there were clumps and chunks. Burned bits of fries and chicken tender crumbs. They splatted and splashed into the pool of liquid that looked black in the night.
That’s when Teresa saw it. Something rising out of the oil, disturbing the otherwise unblemished surface.
Intriguing, right? Most importantly, the authors kept their promise. Elated, I could not flip pages fast enough, savoring favorite passages, the story rhythm and pace pitch-perfect. And now, I have a new favorite series. 🙂
Come morning, I felt bad about dissin’ my auto-buy author. Maybe he had a reason to break the don’t-open-with-a-dream rule. Could the last line of the first paragraph indicate a dream?
…his body sinking into the murky depths of a long-forgotten body of water.
In hindsight, maybe. Probably. But it’s too subtle. Nonetheless, I grabbed my Kindle and kept reading. Sure enough, he used the dream sequence to show the affect it had on the protagonist, who’s been suffering nightmares after a serial killer slipped through his grasp. The dream relates to the plot because that serial killer is back.
Do I agree with the dream opening? No, but I’ll keep reading because I know this author delivers each and every time and his writing speaks to me. But what if I wasn’t a fan? What if I’d chosen the book at random? He would’ve lost me. See what I’m sayin’? It’s a risky move.
We spend a lot of time perfecting our opening pages, polishing them till they shine, but our job doesn’t end there. We must follow through in subsequent chapters by setting up scenes, paying them off, setting up more, paying off more.
Other than that crucial promise, your solemn vow to the reader, a few other takeaways are…
If you missed Jim’s post yesterday, read it (and the comment section!) for speed bumps that stop the reader.
How many chapters do you read before giving up on a novel?
His name is Paradox and he poses his victims in RED cocktail dresses, RED roses replace the eyes, and their hands hold a riddle wrapped in RED satin. He will kill again if his cryptic clues aren’t solved within 24 hours.
Can Niko and Sage stop him before the clock runs out? Click here to look Inside SCATHED.
Last Tuesday marked the start of a new endeavor for me: teaching a 5-week course on serial killers. I never tire of the subject. To some, it may seem like a strange passion/obsession, but all aspects of murder and forensics fascinate me.
Apart from the craft of writing, what subject(s) are you passionate about?
When I’m not reading or watching true crime or nature/wildlife documentaries, I search for net-streaming series based on novels. Why? Because they’re the next best thing to reading, if the series preserves the craft beneath the storyline. Harlan Coben’s STAY CLOSE on Netflix is the perfect example.
The Limited Series is split into eight episodes. In a novel the dramatic arc is split into four quartiles (25% each), called Parts.
In the Netflix series, every two episodes represent one quartile. Keep the dramatic arc in mind.
“If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off.” —Chekhov
Chekhov’s Gun is the principle that every element in a dramatic work must either be relevant or removed, that we must not hold “false promises” out to readers. Consciously or not, we’re always loading Chekhov’s Gun. Every sentence is a rifle hung on the wall. Sooner or later, it will—must—go off.
Also known as setup and payoff. We’re always either setting up a future moment/scene or paying it off. Let’s see this principle in action…
*Spoiler Alert* of the first 15 minutes of Episode One
The HOOK takes place at a strip club called Viper’s. Fleeting images show a young man, drunk, stumbling outside and into the woods behind the club, in pursuit of…someone.
We don’t know who he’s chasing or why, so we’ll keep watching…
Then we’re in Suburbia and introduced to a mother of three, Megan, and her fiancé. That night, Megan, the bride-to-be, is the guest of honor at one of the tamest bachelorette parties in history.
At the party, a friend says, “It’s about time you two are getting married after sixteen years together.”
That one line of dialogue shows us a sliver of Megan’s backstory: the fiancé is also the father of her three children.
The same friend addresses the flock of women and our bride-to-be, Megan. “I know it’s not a traditional hen night. We’re way too classy for strippers, however, we do have—(man in a bathrobe enters the scene)—a model!”
The women shriek.
The camera pans out to show easels set up in a circle, and the women laugh, drink white wine, and attempt to draw. We like the bride-to-be. Megan’s fun, respectable, and clearly in love with her fiancé. Even with her wealth, we can easily relate to her.
After the fun drawing session, Megan chats with the same friend at the bar.
Friend: “I think it’s wonderful you and David are getting married after all this time.”
Megan: “We should have done it years ago.”
Friend: “Everyone else is splitting up, but you two just keep getting stronger.”
Through the short exchange we learn about her circle of friends and Megan’s relationship. A mental image of Megan takes shape. We like her even more. She’s a good, solid person. Reliable. Trustworthy. Faithful. Nice. We certainly wouldn’t want anything to happen to her—and that’s what good characterization is all about. We care about Megan. We’re living vicariously through her, and we’ll stick around to make sure she stays safe.
When Megan arrives home in a taxi—she would never drink and drive; we know this from her characterization—she finds a bottle of champagne on her front stoop. A card leans against the bottle. A card addressed to Cassie [Motivation]. Who’s Cassie? The card terrifies Megan, evident by her silent gasp [Reaction]. Camera zooms in on the name again [Motivation], then on Megan, whose blank stare and parted lips shows she’s clearly terrified [Reaction]. She whirls around, her gaze scanning the dark road, the envelope gripped tight between her fingers.
In the envelope, a card portrays a bride and groom waltzing. With no note inside, the card itself acts as a direct threat to Megan. But because we have no idea why it’s a threat or who Cassie is, we’re glued to the screen.
A lack of information is often more powerful than the explanation.
Megan races into the house to check the security footage. But the person who left the card is wearing a hoodie. The camera doesn’t help her identify the interloper. (Rising tension, enhanced stakes)
This scene looks a lot like the first pinch point, doesn’t it? But it’s too early. Therefore, the placement indicates it’s the Inciting Incident.
Inciting Incident *Optional*: Not every story has to have an Inciting Incident in the way I use the term. Some call the Inciting Incident the First Plot Point. I refer to it as a separate Milestone, a foreshadowing of the First Plot Point. It can even be an entirely different event, one that relates to the main plot, but it’s a false start. A tease.
New Scene, New POV Character.
This time, a middle-aged detective, DS Michael Broome, and his female partner, DC Erin Cartwright, are assigned the missing persons case of a 20-year-old named Carlton Flynn. The much-younger superior, DCS Brian Goldberg, tells the detectives there’s already been a hit on Flynn’s car.
Camera zooms in on the car so the viewer will remember what it looks like (setting up a future scene).
Carlton has been missing about 48 hours, and this seems to aggravate DS Broome, probably because he has a big enough workload already. Besides, Carlton’s an adult who’s probably out partying somewhere.
Now, DCS Goldberg orders DS Broome to speak with the victim’s father, who is well-connected with friends in the department. The decades between DS Broome and DCS Goldberg add instant micro-tension. The viewer doesn’t need to be told anything. Instinctively, we know these two will butt heads at some point. It’s bound to happen, right? This age-gap adds another layer of intrigue, more story questions, and enhances Broome’s characterization i.e., for now, he’s on his best behavior.
In the driveway at the Flynn residence, Broome exists the car and says to his partner, “Erin, that’s weird.”
Notice how Coben purposefully leaves out the conversation preceding this remark? By doing so, he raises more story questions and piques curiosity.
“It’s not weird,” DC Cartwright says as they stroll toward the front door. “I’m not asking for details.”
“Good, ’cause you’re not getting them.”
“Just tell me, was she nice? ’Cause that’s not details. You deserve a nice woman.”
DS Broome admits, “Yes, she was nice.”
“Good, good, I’m glad.”
“A bit eager, maybe.”
“Eager,” she echoes, nodding.
“Keen to please. Like a Labrador.”
This banter is light, witty, and fun. We instantly like these two, and their partnership (characterization).
Mr. Flynn tells the detectives how worried he is, how his son would never wander off without a word to anyone. The stepmother is much younger than he, and they admit Carlton and the new Mrs. Flynn didn’t always see eye-to-eye. But, Mr. Flynn adds, nothing that would make him leave home.
When the stepmother goes to find a photograph of Carlton, Mr. Flynn asks the detectives if they have kids.
DC Cartwright: Two-year-old.
DS Broome: No. My ex-wife didn’t want them.
Broome’s is a bold statement. We find out why later. For now, we learn he’s divorced, adding another layer of characterization, but it also raises story questions. Did he want kids? The dialogue indicates he did, but we can’t be sure.
See how Coben slips in backstory and keeps the viewer engaged? Every word is strategically placed for a reason. Every sentence/line of dialogue has a purpose.
“He hasn’t been on social media,” the father says, “Nothing. It just stopped April sixteenth.”
The date startles DS Broome. “April sixteenth? I thought Carlton went missing on the seventeenth.”
“No,” Mr. Flynn says. “The seventeenth is the day we realized something was wrong.”
“Right. Huh.” DS Broome pauses. “Does the name Stewart Green mean anything to you?”
DC Cartwright stares at her partner like, Why would you ask him about Stewart Green?
We wonder why, too. Again, raising story questions, dragging us along, forcing us to continue.
When the stepmother returns with a photo of Carlton, he’s the guy from the HOOK. Remember the drunk dude who stumbled into the woods in pursuit of…someone? That’s Carlton Flynn! Not only has Coben paid off the Hook, but he’s also raised new story questions. What happened to Carlton Flynn? Why was he in the woods? Who was he chasing?
When we answer one question, we must raise another—all to set up the First Plot Point or another pivotal Milestone.
While walking back to the car, DC Cartwright says, “Stewart Green?”
“Seventeen years to the day.”
DS Broome’s dialogue adds a sliver of backstory AND implants story questions in our mind: How do these two missing people align? Or is he obsessed with an old case?
“Let it go.”
“Erin, it’s a feeling I’ve got.”
“You see connections everywhere.” (characterization detail)
“I see connections where there are connections,” DS Broome says. “It’s called being a good cop.” (characterization detail)
“Oh, don’t. The only case that’s ever beaten you. (backstory) I call that being an egomaniac.”
“Ego?” DS Broome is visibly upset, tone rising with anger. “I let them down. His family, his wife, they were destroyed. I told them I find him.” (backstory, characterization detail: he is haunted by this old case)
Snide and cold, DC Cartwright smirks. “Did sleeping with her soften the blow?” (backstory, tension)
“That was years later, as you well know.” Over the roof of the car, Broome pouts his bottom lip. “And I was brokenhearted.”
“For the record, I did want kids. Just—”
Broome fills in the blank. “Not with me.”
Bam! Those last two lines of dialogue bring meaning to all the dialogue that came before it, including why DS Broome thought it was weird to share details about his date. These two are a lot more than partners. They were married! Which raises even more story questions. Did he cheat on Erin with Stewart Green’s wife? Is that why they divorced? Give us details!
But Coben is far too clever to reveal all the juicy tidbits at once. We’ll have to wait, and keep watching…
“Act first, explain later.” —James Scott Bell
The final POV character is a paparazzi-for-hire named Ray Levine, snapping photos outside a bar mitzvah for a young celebrity, who winds up kicking Ray in the shin. The bodyguard ushers the child star into the venue. Moments later, we learn through dialogue that the bodyguard and Ray are buddies. In fact, he’s the one who hired Ray to take photos.
Coben opens his 2012 thriller of the same title with Ray. Let’s take a look…
Sometimes, in that split second when Ray Levine snapped a picture and lost the world in the strobe from his flashbulb, he saw the blood. He knew, of course, that it was only in his mind’s eye, but at times, like right now, the vision was so real he had to lower his camera and take a good hard look at the ground in front of him. That horrible moment—the moment Ray’s life changed completely, transforming him from a man with a future and aspirations into this Grade-A loser you see in front of you—never visited him in his dreams or when he sat alone in the dark. The devastating visions waited until he was wide-awake, surrounded by people, busy at what some might sarcastically dub work.
The vision mercifully faded as Ray continuously snapped pictures of the bar mitzvah boy.
Look at how many story questions he’s raised in the first paragraph. What’s the blood about? Did he kill someone? What happened to this man? Coben also forces us to care about Ray. The poor guy suffers from horrible visions. At the same time, we wonder why. We need answers! And so, we’ll keep reading.
Coben shuffled the POVs for the Netflix series, and it’s just as effective.
After we meet Ray at the bar mitzvah, he treks home through the seedier part of town. Someone slams him over the head and steals his camera, making it appear like someone connected to the child star mugged Ray. Coben wants us to make this assumption, so when we find out why he’s mugged in the payoff scene, it’s a surprise.
Employing all these techniques is how to force the reader to keep flipping pages. Or, in this case, binge the whole series.
Have you read STAY CLOSE? Have you seen the Netflix series? If you haven’t, at least watch the first episode (or even the first 15 minutes!) to see how this plays out on the screen, and witness a master storyteller at work.
Are the creative juices flowing on this fine Friday? Great! Tell us…
If we were to read your WIP or last published book, who would we meet for a main character?
Or tell us about the main character in the book you’re reading.
Why should we care what happens to the MC? What makes them special?
If you’re struggling for an answer, think: logline or elevator pitch.
Another brave writer shared their first page for critique. Enjoy! My comments will follow.
Chapter One
Envy Rots Your Bones
Grandma Iris had never cradled me like she did that Bible. Sat across the table, she held it tight to her chest, tracing her bony finger down its decorative spine. The golden crucifix embedded in the book’s cover glinted as dawn streamed through the window. A wink… or a jeer… It knew it was Grandma’s favourite.
Jealousy stroked at me, teasing, and I swatted it’s claws away. Envy rots your bones. It’s a sin, I reminded myself. One of Grandma’s many teachings.
Leather creaked as Grandma delicately opened the book upon the table.
“Are you ready, Elisa?” A demand masked as a question.
I inhaled deeply, the cold dusty air of the dining room filling my lungs. I promised Grandma I would do better, be better, this time. And yet, for the second time that afternoon, I sinned.
“I’m ready,” I lied.
Her eyes flickered to mine. Somehow her wrinkles deepened, eyes became darker when they settled on me. And without another word, she fired the first test.
“Luke 1:47?”
With no time to comprehend the question, scripture tumbled out of me.
“My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Saviour.”
Grandma nodded, a fleeting gesture of approval. “Psalm 107:1?”
Again, I answered without pause, without a doubt. “Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His mercy endures forever.”
“Excellent, Elisa,” she said, flicking through the dog-eared pages. “Psalm 18:3?”
I opened my mouth, expecting the answer to dance off my tongue again, but… nothing. Only silence filled the room. Scrunching my eyes, I frantically searched the depths of my mind, bible verses scrambled in my head.
‘When you ask, you do not receive,’ – no, not that one. ‘Come near to God, and he will be near to you’– not that either.
I could feel her narrow gaze pinned to me now. Waiting, watching as I drowned amongst the scripture. Her fingers rapped against the oak table, underscoring each second that drifted by, still without an answer, still sinking. How silly of me to make false promises. Of course, Grandma would be disappointed, she always was.
Disappointed.
The word buzzed in the forefront of my mind, sending a ripple of familiarity through me. I said it out loud, feeling each syllable float from my lips.
Dis-a-ppoint-ment.
And with that, I burst to the surface.
“In the midst of disappointment, know that God is listening and-”
But before I could complete the verse, a whoosh of air and the scent of old leather gushed towards me. Pain erupted in my cheek, knocking the words from my mouth and throwing me sideward. As I slammed into the floorboards, my eyes sprung open, just in time to see Grandma lower the bible back to the table.
* * *
Y’know what I love most about this first page? The scene is so complete and compelling, it could double as flash fiction. Anon didn’t feel the need to waste precious real estate by describing the room or the characters in detail. Instead, we’re dropped into the middle of a tense moment, and we cannot look away. This writer also gained empathy for the main character and showed us a lot about the relationship between Elisa and Grandma without resorting to telling. And the voice? Excellent.
I do have a few comments/suggestions, but nothing major.
Chapter One
Envy Rots Your Bones
Grandma Iris had never cradled me like she did that Bible. (<– Compelling first line) Sat Aacross the table, she held it the book tight to her chest, tracing her bony finger down its decorative spine. The golden crucifix embedded in the bible’s book’s cover, glinted as dawn streamed through the window.
*Side note: Holy Bible, since it’s a title, should be capitalized; the bible—not a title—should be lowercase. Some writers prefer to always capitalize Bible. If you’re consistent, I don’t think it’s a big deal either way. When in doubt, listen to your editor.
A wink… or a jeer… It knew it was Grandma’s favourite.
*Side note: When I received the first page, Lynne noted: “UK writer.” Hence the British spelling of certain words, like favourite vs. favorite and Saviour vs. Savior. Please be aware, US spelling is the preferred industry standard.
Jealousy stroked at me, teasing, and I swatted it’s its claws away. (<–Love that line!) Envy rots your bones. It’s a sin, I reminded myself (<–we know it’s inner dialogue without this attrib.). One of Grandma’s many teachings.
Leather creaked as Grandma delicately opened the book upon the table. “Are you ready, Elisa?” A demand masked as a question.
I inhaled deeply (showing the act of inhaling implies deeply, so the adverb isn’t necessary), the cold dusty air of the dining room filling my lungs. I promised Grandma I would do better, be better, this time. And yet, for the second time that afternoon, I sinned. <–Excellent! These last two sentences say so much.
“I’m ready,” I lied.
Her eyes flickered to mine. Somehow her wrinkles deepened, eyes became darkened when they settled on me. And without another word, she fired the first test. (<– Slight hiccup here. As written, it implies “without another word” from Grandma. But I think you meant Elisa. Easy fix. “Without another word from me…”)
“Luke 1:47?” (see below for citing scripture in dialogue)
With no time to comprehend the question, scripture tumbled out of me (comprehend isn’t the correct word. If she didn’t understand the question, she wouldn’t be able to cite the verse. Try: Without much forethought… Or leave out altogether: Scripture tumbled out of me). “My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God, my Saviour.”
Grandma nodded, a fleeting gesture of approval. “Psalm 107:1?”
Again, I answered without pause, without a doubt. “Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His mercy endures forever.”
“Excellent, Elisa,” she said, flicking through the dog-eared pages. “Psalm 18:3?”
I opened my mouth, expecting the answer to dance off my tongue again, but… nothing. Only Silence filled the room. Scrunching my eyes, I frantically searched the depths of my mind, bible verses scrambled in my head.
‘When you ask, you do not receive,’. – (Removed single quotes and incorrect usage of en-dash.) No, not that one. ‘Come near to God, and he will be near to you’–. Not that either.
I could feel Now, her narrowed gaze pinned to on me now. Waiting, watching, as I drowned amongst the scripture. Her fingers rapped against the oak table, underscoring each second that drifted (drifted implies slow. Try: ticked, fled, drained, raced, sped, or another strong verb for fast) by, still without an answer, still sinking (<– Nice visual). How silly of me to make false promises. Of course, Grandma would be disappointed, she always was. (Suggestion: Of course, Grandma would be disappointed, her usual state of mind.)
Disappointed.
The word buzzed in the forefront of my mind, sending a ripple of familiarity through me. I said it out loud, feeling each syllable float from my lips.
Dis-a-ppoint-ment. (Would she really say this out loud in front of Grandma?)
And with that, I burst to the surface. (Consider deleting. I understand Elisa is metaphorically bursting to the surface, but it stopped me. Perhaps others will feel differently.)
“In the midst of disappointment, know that God is listening and—” (Use em-dash, not en-dash, to indicate cut off speech. For more on em-dashes, see this post)
But before I could complete the verse (Redundant since you went through the trouble of showing us the verse had been cut short), aA whoosh of air and the scent of old leather gushed (rushed?) towards me. Pain erupted in my cheek, knocking the words from my mouth, and throwing me sideward. As I slammed into the floorboards, my eyes sprang open, just in time to see catch Grandma lowering the bible back to the table.
The Editor’s Blog has a fantastic article about numbers in fiction. For citing scripture in dialogue, they recommend the following:
For dialogue, spell out the numbers as words. Do this whether a character is saying just the chapter or just the verse or is including both. “My dad always quoted Romans twelve to me.” “My grandmother’s favorite verse was Jeremiah twenty-nine eleven.” “I can’t remember if the verse he quoted was nine or nineteen.” (Could you make an exception for the Psalms? Probably so. “My niece learned how to say Psalm 23 in four languages.” If you consider psalm plus the number a title, I’d say that would work. I don’t know that other books and chapters, however, would get the same treatment.)
Outside of dialogue, use the typical convention for chapter and verse when you include both. Make this one of your exceptions to the rule about when to write out numbers. So—The text he’d quoted was Genesis 3:23.
Yet if you’re using only the verse, spell out the number (use a numeral for numbers greater than 100)—The text he quoted was verse twenty-three.
Also spell out the numbers if you’re not including the book and verses in the typical reference style—The text he was hunting for was in Luke—verses four through eleven of chapter six.
In a reference to the chapter only, you may want to adjust the wording—The text he quoted was from the third chapter of Genesis.
Could you write Genesis 3 or 1 Timothy 5? Probably. And I’d suggest using that format for the Psalms, writing Psalm 119 or Psalm 23. Yet such a format with other bible books might be difficult for readers, at least at first glance. You may want to play around with how you say it if you’re only including the book name and chapter number without a verse number. After all, many people would understand easily if you wrote—He loved the Twenty-third Psalm.)
Brave Writer, I really enjoyed this first page. Thank you for sharing your work with us.
I’d turn the page to find out what happens next. What about you, TKZers? Any suggestions/comments for this brave writer? Favorite line?
Those dang pesky buggers that sneak into first drafts and weaken the writing are called filler words and phrases—also known as fluff.
If a filler word serves a purpose, keep it. The objective is to tighten the writing by eliminating unnecessary words and anything the reader might find distracting.
For example, a Bigshot Author I adore had the strangest writing tick in her debut novel. It’s a good thing I unknowingly started with book 5, or I might not have devoured two of her thriller series. I can’t tell you her name, but I will share the tic.
“Blah, blah, blah,” she said, and then, “Blah, blah, blah.”
“Blah, blah, blah,” he replied, and then, “Blah, blah, blah.”
Almost every line of dialogue had “she said, and then.” The writing tic distracted me, yanked me right out of the story, and made me want to whip my Kindle out the window. To this day I recall favorite passages from many of her high-octane thrillers, but I couldn’t tell you the basic plot of her debut till I jumped over to Amazon to refresh my memory. She’s since re-edited the novel. 🙂
FILLER WORDS
Just
Just should almost always be murdered.
Original: I just couldn’t say goodbye.
Rewrite: I couldn’t bear to say goodbye.
That
That litters many first drafts, but it can often be killed without any harm to the original sentence.
Original: I believe that all writers kill their darlings.
Rewrite: I believe all writers kill their darlings.
The original and rewrite have another problem. Did you catch it?
Believe in this context is a telling word. Any time we tell the reader things like “I thought” or “He knew” or “She felt” or “I believe” we slip out of deep POV. Thus, the little darling must die.
Final Rewrite: All writers kill their darlings.
So
Original: So, this huge guy glared at me in the coffee line.
Rewrite: This musclebound, no-necked guy glared at me in the coffee line.
Confession? I use “so” all the time IRL. It’s also one of the (many) writing tics I search for in my work. The only exception to killing this (or any other) filler word is if it’s used with purpose, like as a character cue word.
Really
Original: She broke up with him. He still really loved her.
Sometimes removing filler means combining/rewording sentences.
Rewrite: When she severed their relationship, his heart stalled.
Very
Here’s another meaningless word. Kill it on sight.
Original: He made me very happy.
Rewrite: When he neared, my skin tingled.
Of
To determine if “of” is needed read the sentence with and without it. Does it still make sense? Yes? Kill it. No? Keep it.
Original: She bolted out of the door.
Rewrite: She bolted out the door.
Up (with certain actions)
Original: He rose up from the table.
Rewrite: He rose from the table.
Original: He stood up tall.
Rewrite: He stood tall.
Down (with certain actions)
Original: He sat down on the couch.
Rewrite: He sat on the couch.
Original: He laid down the blanket.
Rewrite: He laid the blanket on the floor.
And/But (to start a sentence)
I’m not saying we should never use “and” or “but” to start a sentence, though editors might disagree. 🙂 Don’t overdo it.
Original: He died. And I’m heartbroken.
Rewrite: When he died, my soul shattered.
Also search for places where “but” is used to connect two sentences. Can you combine them into one without losing the meaning?
Original: He moved out of state, but I miss him. He was the most caring man I’d ever met.
Rewrite: The most caring man I’d ever met moved out of state. I miss him—miss us.
Want(ed)
Want/wanted is another telling word. It must die to preserve deep POV.
Original: I really wanted the chocolate cake.
Substitute with a strong verb.
Rewrite: I drooled over the chocolate cake. One bite. What could it hurt?
Came/Went
Came/went is filler because it’s not specific. Substitute with an a strong verb.
Original: I went to the store to buy my favorite ice cream.
Rewrite: I raced to Marco’s General Store to buy salted caramel ice cream, my tastebuds cheering me on.
Had
Too many had words give the impression the action took place prior to the main storyline. As a guide, used once in a sentence puts the action in past tense. Twice is repetitive and clutters the writing. Also, if it’s clear the action is in the past, it can often be omitted.
Original: I had gazed at the painting for hours and the eyes didn’t move.
Rewrite: For hours I gazed at the painting and the eyes never wavered.
Well (to start a sentence)
Original: Well, the homecoming queen made it to the dance, but the king didn’t.
Rewrite: The homecoming queen attended the dance, stag.
Basically/Literally
Original: I basically/literally had to drag her out of the bar by her hair.
Rewrite: I dragged her out of the bar by the hair.
Actually
Original: Actually, I did mind.
Rewrite: I minded.
Highly
Original: She was highly annoyed by his presence.
Rewrite: His presence irked her.
Or: His presence infuriated her.
Totally
Original: I totally did not understand a word.
Rewrite: Huh? *kidding* I did not understand one word.
Simply
Original: Dad simply told her to stop.
Rewrite: Dad wagged his head, and she stopped.
Anyway (to start a sentence)
Original: Anyway, I hope you laughed, loved, and lazed during the holiday season.
Rewrite: Hope you laughed, loved, and lazed during the holiday season.
FILLER PHRASES
As with all craft “rules,” exceptions exist. Nonetheless, comb through your first draft and see if you’ve used these phrases for a reason, like characterization. If you haven’t, they must die. It’s even more important to delete filler words and phrases if you’re still developing your voice.
A bit
Original: The movie was a bit intense. Lots of blood.
Rewrite: Intense movie. Blood galore.
There is no doubt that
Original: There is no doubt that the Pats will move on to the playoffs.
Rewrite: No doubt the Pats will move on to the playoffs.
Or: The Pats will be in the playoffs.
The reason is that
Original: The reason is that I said you can’t go.
Rewrite: Because I said so, that’s why. (shout-out to moms!)
The question as to whether
Original: The question as to whether the moon will rise again is irrelevant.
Rewrite: Whether the moon will rise again is irrelevant.
Whether or not
Original: Whether or not you agree is not my problem.
Rewrite: Whether you agree is not my problem.
Tempted to say
Original: I am tempted to say how beautiful you are.
Rewrite: You’re beautiful.
This is a topic that
Original: This is a topic that is close to my heart.
Rewrite: This topic is close to my heart.
Believe me (to start a sentence)
Original: Believe me, I wasn’t there.
Rewrite: I wasn’t there.
In spite of the fact
Original: In spite of the fact that he said he loved you, he’s married.
Rewrite: Although he professed his love, he’s married.
Or: Despite that he said he loved you, he’s married.
The fact that
Original: The fact that he has not succeeded means he can’t do the job.
Rewrite: His failure proves he can’t do the job.
I might add
Original: I might add, your attitude needs adjusting, young lady.
Rewrite: Someone’s panties are in a bunch. *kidding* Adjust your attitude, young lady.
In order to
Original: In order to pay bills online, you need internet access.
Rewrite: To pay bills online you need internet access.
At the end of the day
Original: At the end of the day, we’re all human.
Rewrite: In the end, we’re all human.
Or: In conclusion, we’re all human.
Or: We’re all human.
Over to you, TKZers. Please add filler words/phrases that I missed. I’m hoping this list will help Brave Writers before they submit first pages for critique.
“I did not think this series could become more compelling, oh how wrong I was! Coletta delivers shock after shock and spiraling twists and turns that you will never see coming. I was glued to the pages, unable to stop reading.”
Look Inside ? https://buff.ly/3hmev0C
Misdirection is the intentional deflection of attention for the purpose of disguise, and it’s a vital literary device. To plant and disguise a clue so the reader doesn’t realize its importance takes time and finesse.
The most important thing to remember is to play fair. Clues must be in plain sight. We cannot reveal a clue that wasn’t visible earlier. That’s cheating.
A few years ago, I read a novel about [can’t name the profession without giving away the title]. The protagonist located the dead and solved every mystery with invisible clues. After I whipped my Kindle across the room, I took a deep breath and skimmed the story searching for the clues. Never found one. Not one! The author’s name now sits at the pinnacle of my Do Not Read list.
A key feature of good misdirection means you brought attention to the clue, and the reader still missed it.
A magician uses three types of misdirection:
Notice any similarities to writing?
Misdirection can be either external or internal. External would be when the author misdirects the reader. Internal is when a character misdirects another character.
Misdirection is different than misinformation. We should never outright lie to the reader. Rather, we let them lie to themselves by disguising the clue(s) as inconsequential.
How do we do that?
When you come to a part of the story where nothing major occurs, slip in a clue. Or include the detail/clue while fleshing out a character’s life.
Examples:
One character chats with another as they drive to a designated location. Is the locale a clue in and of itself?
What about the title of the book? The reader has seen the title numerous times, yet she never gave it much thought until the protagonist reveals its meaning to the plot.
Clandestine lovers meet in a hideaway. While there, one of the characters notices a symbol or sign. Later in the story, she finds another clue that relates to the sign or symbol. Only now, she has enough experience to interpret its true meaning.
A kidnapper chalks an X on a park bench to signal the drop-off spot. What if a stray dog approaches the kidnapper? If he reads the dog’s tag to find his human, the clue takes center stage, yet it’s disguised as inconsequential.
In all four examples the arrival of the clue seems insignificant at first. The reader will notice the clue because we’ve drawn attention to it, but we’ve framed it in a way that allows the character to dismiss it. Thus, the reader will, too.
False Trails
The character knows the clue is important when she finds it, but she misinterprets its meaning, leading her down a dead end.
What if we need to supply information on a certain topic, but we don’t want the reader to understand why yet? If we take the clue out of context and present it as something else—something innocuous or insignificant—we’ve misdirected the reader to reach the wrong conclusion.
An important factor of misdirection is that the disguise must make sense within the confines of the scene. It should also further the plot in some way.
“Misdirection can be used either strategically or tactically. Strategically to change the whole direction of a story, to send it off into a new and different world, and have the reader realize that it’s been headed that way all along. Tactically to conceal, obscure, obfuscate, and camouflage one important fact, to save it for later revelation.”
— The Writer magazine
Character Misdirection
Character misdirection is when the protagonist (and reader) believes a secondary character fulfills one role when, in fact, he fulfills the opposite.
Two types of character misdirection.
These two characters are not what they seem on the surface. They provide opportunities for dichotomy, juxtaposition, insights into the protagonist, theme, plot, and plot twists. They’re useful characters and so much fun to write.
A false ally is a character who acts like they’re on the protagonist’s side when they really have ulterior motives. The protagonist trusts the false ally. The reader will, too. Until the moment when the character unmasks, revealing their false façade and true intention.
A false enemy is a character the protagonist does not trust. Past experiences with this character warn the protagonist to be wary. But this time, the false enemy wants to help the protagonist.
When Hannibal Lecter tries to help Clarice, she’s leery about trusting a serial killing cannibal. The reader is too.
What type of character is Hannibal Lecter, a false ally or false enemy?
An argument could be made for both. On one hand, he acts like a false enemy, but he does have his own agenda. Thomas Harris blurred the lines between the two. What emerged is a multifaceted character that we’ve analyzed for years.
When crafting a false ally or false enemy, it’s fine to fit the character into one of these roles. Or, like Harris, add shades of gray.
Mastering the art of misdirection is an important skill. It’s especially important for mysteries and thrillers. I hope this post churns up new ideas for you.
Do you have a false ally or false enemy in your WIP? What are some ways you’ve employed misdirection?
This is my final post of 2021. Wishing you all a joyous holiday season. See ya in the New Year!
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The holiday season is a hectic time, with planning the perfect family celebration, shopping for gifts, decorating the house, inside and out, and mailing cards.
Many have stopped the tradition of sending holiday cards. For me, there’s something so special about peeking into the mailbox to find a card. It means someone took the time to wish you happy holidays, trekked down to the Post Office, or raised the tiny red flag on their mailbox to signal outgoing mail. It’s a beautiful tradition that I fear new generations will let slip away (along with cursive handwriting). I love the holiday season, the frigid temps thawed with magic, possibilities.
With the frenzy of Black Friday and Cyber Monday, I thought I’d share 10 fun facts about reindeer, originally posted on my blog in 2018.
In some regions of the world, Reindeer are called caribou. In North America reindeer refers to Eurasian populations and caribou refers to wild populations.
Reindeer — aka Rangifer Tarandus — have 14 subspecies, including deer, elk, moose, and wapiti. All Cervidae have antlers, hooves, and long legs.
Reindeer are the only species of deer in which both males and females grow antlers, and they grow a new set every year. Male antlers can grow up to 51 inches long and weigh up to 33 pounds. A female rack can grow up to 20 inches long.
According to the San Diego Zoo …
Antlers are the reindeer’s most memorable characteristic. In comparison to body size, reindeer have the largest and heaviest antlers of all living deer species. All antlers have a main beam and several branches or tines that grow from the frontal bones of the skull. Sometimes little branchlets or snags are also present. The tip of each antler is called a point. Unlike horns, antlers fall off and grow back larger every year.
As new antlers grow, the reindeer is said to be in velvet, because skin, blood vessels, and soft fur cover the developing antlers. When the velvet dries up, the reindeer rubs it off against rocks or trees, revealing the hardened, bony core.
Since males grow antlers in February and females in May, they both finish growing antlers at the same time. But male and female reindeer shed antlers at different times of the year. Males drop antlers in November, leaving them antler-less till the spring. Female reindeer keep antlers through the winter months. They’re shed when calves are born in May.
Thus, since Santa’s reindeer all have antlers, he must have an all-female team. ?
Male and female reindeer use antlers in different ways. Males wield them as weapons against potential predators. They also showcase impressive racks to woo females. Although females also war with these handy weapons, they mainly use antlers to clear snow while foraging for food.
Depending on the subspecies, region, sex, and even the season, reindeer fur ranges from dark brown in woodland subspecies to nearly white in Greenland. A reindeer’s coat is dark in the summer, light in winter.
Reindeer have two coats:
The air trapped inside the guard hairs hold in body heat to keep the animal warm against wind and cold. The hollow hair help the reindeer float, which aid them in swimming. Did you know reindeer could swim?
A reindeer’s furry hooves give the animal an advantage when walking on frozen ground, ice, mud, or snow. Spongy footpads help them strut through marshy fields. In the winter, the hooves harden to dig into ice or snow while anchoring the reindeer from slipping.
When a reindeer swims, their broad, flat, two-toed hooves allow the animal to push water aside. They even have a dewclaw which acts as an extra hoof to assist in climbing rugged terrain.
A reindeer’s specialized nose helps to warm incoming cold air before it hits their lungs. Like dogs, their super sniffer can find food hidden under snow, locate danger, and recognize direction. Reindeer are the only subspecies of deer to possess a furry nose.
Reindeer hang in herds. Not only are they safer from predators but they’re social animals, chatting among themselves with snorts, grunts, and hoarse calls, especially during mating season. Calves bleat to call their mother.
Reindeer travel, feed, and rest in a herd of 10 to 100s. In the spring, reindeer may even form super herds of 50,000 to 500,000. These super herds follow food sources, traveling up to 1,000 miles during harsh winters.
During migration, reindeer cover 12–34 miles per day and can run at speeds of up to 50 mph. Even a day-old calf can outrun an Olympic sprinter!
Hope you enjoyed these reindeer facts. Which one is your favorite?