First Page Critique:
Belle, Book And Captor

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Hades And Persephone: Inside The Twisted Ancient Greek Myth

By PJ Parrish

I was about fourteen when I read The Collector by John Fowles. Probably too young for a novel about a lonely pyschopath who abducts a young woman and keeps her captive in a remote English farmhouse. But in those days, during my peripatetic teenage existance, I was captive in whatever library was nearby. So I read a lot of inappropriate stuff, including most of Nabokov. Even today, novels about captives get to me, in a way other thrillers do not. I don’t mean thrillers wherein a child is kidnapped and the clock is ticking. Or even wherein the victim is long gone and the cold case haunt-hunt is on. I like the books where the captive still has a voice. This is what we have here with today’s First Page Critique. Not merely a captive. But a voice. Let’s read and then talk.

Never Spoken

She was eight years in chains. I think I’ve been in this place, one window, barred and filthy, lights too high to reach, bed, water, battery radio and a book, about 25 weeks now. She endured eight years in the book. I am a novice.

I’ve talked to no one. Well, I have grunted with; the faceless person that brings me food and water each day, but no talk.

I know why I am here. Money of course. Someone is probably telling some grand story about political values to those who will listen, the press loves that stuff. But I am pretty sure it is money.

And I am fine. No injuries. I sleep at night, read during the day, listen to the news, watch out the window. I am fed fresh food. Better than the packaged crap from Tesco. They probably do this to keep the evidence trail concealed. In the book she said she never knew if they were going to rape her or just kill her. They did neither, but they fed her well. Fresh food, no packaging.

She said rape or “just kill”. She thought killing was better.

I have learned sounds. In the book she says that where senses lack, sound is easiest to be entertained with. She said not to think about the why, as that will drive you crazy. She said make it all a game and play with it. So, I play with my senses. I didn’t at first, but it’s been a half year now. It is a game.

I can hear vehicles come and go outside. There is a door a few rooms away, that gives a creak, just before it latches with a click. Water runs in the wall from above, toilet flush or drain. I am starting to be annoyed by it, as if I am the second-floor tenant in a three-floor walk-up.

I hear the coffee in the morning, a moka pot, he makes good coffee. I hear his footsteps when he is walking to my hatch. I call it the doggie door, big enough to pass things through but too small to climb through unless I starve myself.

And I have the book. A book on being a hostage in first person narrative. A book he gave me without instruction, a guide on how to survive or die, my choice.

_________________________________________

I really like this submission. Yes, it has a couple of issues, including with its opening paragraph, which with a little tweaking can go from good to really tantalyzing. We’ll get to that in a second. But allow me a little rope so we can talk first about this sub-genre of captive narrators. What interests me in these novels is not so much the solving of the crime as the psychological push-and-pull in the narrative (or in many cases dual narratives).

In John Fowles The Collector, we are introduced to the abductor, Frederick Clegg. This first person narrive sets up his chilling, self-justifying thought process and his obsession with his victim Miranda. But part 2 switches to Miranda’s diary, and we see her as a completely different person that Clegg believes her to be. We get her perspective on her own fears, inner demons and, this being John Fowles, her thoughts on class struggle.

{{{{Spoiler alert}}}}

The ending is bleak. Clegg finds her diary and plans a suicide pact. Miranda dies from neglect. After he reads in the diary that she never loved him, he buries her body. The final scene is Clegg in a nearby town, stalking another young girl who resembles Miranda.

Another captive novel I liked is Chevy Steven’s Still Missing. The first person narrator is abducted but the narrative toggles between then and eight years later, where she is trying to re-piece her psyche via psychiatry sessions. (Hence the title, she is still missing).

 

And so to our submission. Like Chevy Stevens does, our writer relies heavily on sensory details to create tension and gain our sympathy. Here’s Steven’s description of the abduction moment:

I realized he was too close behind me. Something hard pressed into my lower back.
I tried to turn around, but he grabbed a handful of my hair and yanked my head back so fast and so painfully I thought a piece of my scalp would tear off. My heart slammed against my rib cage, and blood roared in my head. I willed my legs to kick out, run— to do something, anything— but I couldn’t make them move.

“Yes, Annie, that’s a gun, so please listen carefully. I’m going to let go of your hair and you’re going to remain calm while we take a walk out to my van. And I want you to keep that pretty smile on your face while we do that, okay?”

“I—I can’t—” I can’t breathe.

Voice low and calm against my ear, he said, “Take a deep breath, Annie.”

I sucked in a lungful.

“Let it out nice and easy.”

I exhaled slowly.

“Again.” The room came back into focus.

“Good girl.” He released my hair.

Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. I could feel the gun grinding into my spine as he used it to push me forward. He urged me out the front door and down
the steps, humming a little melody. While we walked to his van, he whispered into my ear.

“Relax, Annie. Just pay attention to what I tell you and we won’t have any problems. Don’t forget to keep smiling.”

As we moved farther from the house I looked around— somebody had to be seeing this— but no one was in sight. I could hear small sounds behind me, could tell he was doing something back there, preparing for something. I waited for the click of the gun being cocked. My body shook with terror. Was this it for me? My life was going to end with me facedown in the back of a van? I felt a needle stab into the back of my thigh. I fl inched and tried to reach back to touch it. Fire crawled up my leg.

When she wakes up, again Steven keeps with SENSORY DETAILS: the feel of a scratchy blanket, the faint scent of perfume. A pillowcase in the wrong color. This is what our writer today is doing well — the creak of a door and a click as it closes, the smell of coffee, the sound of running water and a toilet flushing above. The writer is giving us JUST ENOUGH sensory detail so we can FEEL her limited existence. The writer is trying to show us, not tell us, the horror.

Another thing I like about this submission: The mysterious book. It is introduced in the first paragraph, a veritable Chekov’s gun. Chevkov advised other writers: “If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it’s not going to be fired, it shouldn’t be hanging there.” Our writer tells us book was given to her so she can learn from a previous hostage how to survive. Nice! I have to trust this book will figure prominently in the plot. If not, well, I will sic Chekov’s ghost on you, dear writer.

Now, one last comment before we go to a little line editing. That opening paragraph. It has two terrific teases inbedded in it: The book. And the fact the book’s writer endured her captivity for eight years, and our narrative has a long rough road ahead. A really good set-up.

But if I might, I am going to suggest that the paragraph can be better. It’s a tad confusing as it. I don’t normally rewrite, but I can’t help it here. Maybe something like this:

She was here for eight years. I think I’ve been in this place for only about six months now. I am not chained like she was. I can move around my prison some. One window, barred and filthy, lights too high to reach, a bed, a water bucket, a battery radio. And one book. The book she left here. The book she wrote. Eight years…

I am a novice.

Now this might not exactly serve your purpose. But the book is THE TELLING DETAIL. I strongly suggest you break it out on its own. I also think the novice line needs to stand on its own, as it goes right to the heart of her mindset.

Speaking of mindsets, I will ask the group: Do you think this needs a tad more emotion in her thoughts? She seems awfully at ease with her situation, given that the writer stresses what is tolerable, rather than terrifying, about it. I get no really gripping sense of terror from our narrator.

A quick line edit, as this is pretty clean. My comments in red.

She was eight years in chains. If you want to keep this detail, you have to tell us if the narrator is also chained. If you mean this symbolically, I don’t think you need it. I think I’ve been in this place, one window, barred and filthy, lights too high to reach, bed, water, battery radio and a book, about 25 weeks now. She endured eight years in the book. I am a novice. Like this paragraph kicker. But note rewrite suggestion.

I’ve talked to no one. Well, I have grunted with; the faceless person that brings me food and water small detail: You said she has water in her “cell.” each day, but no talk. She has a hatch or dog door, no? Can she see anything? A telling detail: what kind of shoes does he wear? Beat-up sneakers or shiny broques hint at something. You need to start building the bad guy in the reader’s imagination.

I know why I am here. Money of course. Someone is probably telling some grand story about political values to those who will listen. The press loves that stuff. But I am pretty sure it is money. You said she has a radio. Surely in 6 months she has heard news of her abduction. Why be so vague? WHO IS MISSING HER? You missed a chance to drop a nugget about her background. If this is about money, she comes from wealth, no? Can you give a hint? 

And I am fine. No injuries. I sleep at night, read during the day, listen to the news, watch out the window. I am fed fresh food. Better than the packaged crap from Tesco. So we are in UK. I only know that cuz I Googled Tesco. Might want to drop another hint. They probably do this to keep the evidence trail concealed. I don’t understand this line. In the book she said she never knew if they were going to rape her or just kill her. They did neither, but they fed her well. Fresh food, no packaging.

She said rape or “just kill”. She thought killing was better. Are you going to quote from the book at all? I think you should as it not only creates tension but HUMANIZES the previous hostage! You might want to start here. Rather than TELL us what she wrote why not begin to show it. Something like:

It was one of the many lines from the book I had committed to memory: “I don’t know if they are going to rape me or just kill me. I now pray it’s the second.”

I have learned sounds. A problem with first person is you have to use a lot of “I” to open graphs;.you have three in a row. Something simple like inversion: Sounds are important, I have found. In the book she says that where senses lack, sound is easiest to be entertained with. She said not to think about the why, as that will drive you crazy. She said make it all a game and play with it. So, I play with my senses. I didn’t at first, but it’s been a half year now. It is a game.

I can hear vehicles come and go outside. Try to make this work harder. Does she hear tires on gravel? The wheeze of an old engine. Can you make her more perceptive via what she hears, that she thinks she’s in the country vs a city? Six months is a long time. WHAT HAS SHE LEARNED??? There is a door a few rooms away,she can’t know that, only that it is nearby that gives a creak, just before it latches with a click. Water runs in the wall from above, toilet flush or drain. I am starting to be annoyed by it, as if I am the second-floor tenant in a three-floor walk-up. Again, she sounds oddly blase about her situation. Annoyed? 

I hear the coffee in the morning, a moka pot, A have a moka; it makes no particular noise so your sensory detail is off here. How can she know it’s a moka? He important misstep here. You said earlier she “grunts” at a faceless person who brings her food. Is this the same person? Make it clear that we are dealing with either one captor or a team. makes good coffee. I hear his footsteps when he is walking to my hatch. I call it the doggie door, big enough to pass things through but too small to climb through unless I starve myself.

And I have the book. A book on being a hostage in first person narrative. A book he gave me without instruction, a guide on how to survive or die, my choice. Again, look at your use of the pronoun “he.” If you are creating a John Fowles-esque bad guy, start to lay out the bread crumb hints more strongly. HE is faceless, soundless — for SIX MONTHS? Think about doing more with HIM. 

So, good work, writer. I think you’re off to a roaring good start. You have a voice. But now think about adding some emotion to your narrator’s voice. Watch for places to insert more details that start building up her background. And, most important, find ways to make your protagonist more than just a food-bearing schlub at the dog door. Right now, all we know is that he makes a darn good cup of coffee. Even this early in your story, he needs to be a threat — to her and for the readers to care about her.

 

#WriteTip: The Stubborn Elephant

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Writing a novel is a huge commitment. It takes time and consistency and perseverance from beginning to end.

Imagine, if you will, a rider on the back of a stubborn elephant. The rider is excited to head out on a new adventure, but the elephant wants no part of it. The rider tries everything to make the elephant move — coercion, threats, bribes, begging, and bargaining — but nothing works. The elephant refuses to budge. And rightfully so. They’re majestic animals, with thoughts and feelings and families who love them, not amusement rides.

The frustrated rider jumps off the elephant, tugs the reins, shoves him from behind. Nothing works. If a two-to-seven-ton animal doesn’t want to budge, good luck trying to change their mind.

What if I told you this same struggle continues to play out in a writer’s mind while drafting a novel?

It’s true. Our brains have two independently functioning systems responsible for completing tasks: the rational side and the emotional side.

The rider is rational.

The elephant is emotional.

When these two sides clash, the writer accomplishes nothing. They may work all day, but they’re spinning their wheels. It’s an awful feeling.

The rational rider is small and insignificant compared to the emotional elephant. We can lie to ourselves about fame and fortune or whatever the big dream is, but unless we’re emotionally invested in our goals, it’ll never happen. The field of broken dreams is littered with stubborn elephants.

Numerous scientists have studied productivity, and they all agree on one thing: Having fun makes us more productive.

Pro Tip: Don’t worry about your word count. If you keep checking to tally your words, you’ll add unnecessary stress. Enjoy the journey of crafting a storyline. Block out all distractions and have fun with your characters.

The closer the reward, the harder we work.

We live in a world of immediate gratification. It’s why we’re told to use a universal link for our books. No one wants to click twice.

The coffee drinker will buy more coffee when their loyalty card is about to run out. Why? To score a free coffee.

This behavior is known as the goal gradient hypothesis, first discovered in rats and other animals in 1932 by Clark Hull PhD. The same holds true for humans. The bigger the task (crafting a novel), the harder we must work to get the reward (a complete first draft) and the easier it is to give up.

Pro Tip: Break the WIP into small goals. “I will have one piece of chocolate when I finish this chapter.” By rewarding yourself for reaching smaller goals, it builds confidence and joy and momentum.

Making Visible Progress Improves Motivation

Researchers offered participants two types of loyalty cards: a ten-point card and a twelve-point card with the first two spots already stamped. Can you guess which one they chose?

Even though both cards required the participants to buy ten coffees, the twelve-point card was the clear favorite. Why? The two stamps created the illusion that the participants would receive a free coffee sooner. While the distance to the goal was the same, those stamps showed visible progress.

Visible progress boosts motivation.

Pro Tip: End every writing session mid-scene. Doesn’t matter if the words are flowing. Stop. The next morning, it’s much easier to finish a scene than stare at a blank page.

I play mind-games with myself all the time. Once I’ve written the final page of the manuscript, I mark it with *** and keep going. Everything after the asterisks becomes the hook for the next book. That way, I never start a new manuscript with a blank page.

Productivity Fluctuates Throughout the Day

Researchers found that memory, perception, and problem-solving skills fluctuate according to a person’s chronotype, the natural inclination for your body to sleep (i.e., early bird vs. night owl).

I’m most productive in the mornings and between 7 p.m. – 8 p.m. It’s strange, I know, but for some reason new ideas pop into my mind between those hours, so I write in Notes on my phone.

Consistency trains the brain.

Pro Tip: Take note of when you’re most productive during the day. If you can’t write at that time, train yourself to write at the second most productive time of day for you.

Surprising Facts Improve Learning and Memory

Moments of intellectual surprise can boost memory, curiosity, and make you a more effective learner. Also, those who are curious about the world — like writers — and learn on a regular basis (i.e., research) extend their longevity and lower their risk of brain-related diseases like Alzheimer’s or dementia.

A few fun facts that may surprise you:

  • Jays are not blue. There are no blue feathers in the Animal Kingdom. What we see is an optical illusion. Blue Jays are gray.
  • A Greenland shark born before Isaac Newton was still alive in 2020.
  • Polar Bears are not white. Though polar bear fur appears white, it’s actually transparent. Long hollow hair shafts reflect light much like ice does, making polar bears appear white or yellow. Beneath their thick coats, polar bears have black skin that absorbs the sun’s warmth. To a deer, polar bears look green.

Pro Tip: If you’re stuck, research other elements of the story. You might be surprised by what you find. Never stop learning.

All these actionable tips and tricks will help you move the elephant in the right direction.

What Writers Can Learn From It Happened One Night, Part 1

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by James Scott Bell
@jamesscottbell

The sun was shining, the sky was blue (sorry, Elmore, for starting with the weather). So I decided to take a walk to Trader Joe’s. At checkout the pleasant young lady asked, “How’s your day going?”

“Swell,” I said. “It’s such a nice day, I walked here.”

“You walked?”

“Only half a mile.”

“Nice. Any plans for the rest of your day?”

“I’m going to watch an old movie.”

“Oh, which one?”

“The Women.”

“I haven’t heard of that one.”

“1939. Norma Shearer, Joan Crawford, Roz Russell.”

She frowned. “Is it in black and white?”

“It is indeed.”

She pursed her lips.

I said, “Don’t you watch black and white movies?”

“Not really,” she said.

“Oh boy!” says I. “There are so many great movies waiting for you to see! You can start with Casablanca.”

“I’ve heard of that. I’ll have to check it out.”

Another pleasant young lady appeared to bag my items. “Check what out?” she said.

“An old movie,” the checker said.

“Casablanca,” I said.

“Oh, yeah,” said the bagger.

“You’ve seen it?”

She shook her head. “But I’ve heard about it.”

“You both need to see Casablanca.”

“I will,” said the checker with a smile. The bagger nodded.

“My work here is done,” I said.

It is my work indeed to extol the virtues of classic movies for entertainment, edification, and writing instruction. When I started teaching over 25 years ago and would mention Casablanca, everybody had seen it. Not these days. When I speak to young writers now, most of them have not seen it. Which blows my mind!

Yes, Virginia, there are black and white movies you must see if you wish to write (and now I wonder how many youngsters know where Yes, Virginia comes from. But I wonder a great many things these days).

It Happened One Night (1934)Today I want to talk about another pure classic every writer, especially romance writers, should know—Frank Capra’s 1934 mega-hit It Happened One Night. Arguably the first true rom-com, the movie swept the major Oscars: Picture, Director, Actor, Actress, Screenplay.

And it almost didn’t get made.

Capra tells the story in his autobiography, The Name Above the Title. The short version is that no one but Capra and his screenwriter, Robert Riskin, wanted to make the movie, originally titled Night Bus. Capra had to fight the mercurial Harry Cohn of Columbia Pictures to get it done. And potential stars kept turning it down.

MGM owed Cohn one of their stars for a picture, because of a previous deal. For Night Bus, Louis B. Mayer sent him Clark Gable, partly to “punish” Gable for being difficult over salary. It was “punishment” because Columbia was considered far below MGM in prestige. Which is why Gable showed up to his first meeting with Capra three sheets to the wind. He had no idea this was going to be life changing for him.

Finding the lead actress was more difficult. After several turn downs, Capra went to his last resort. He had worked with Claudette Colbert before, but the movie turned out to be a stinker. She wasn’t wild about working with Capra again, but said she’d do it if she got double her usual salary and the shooting would be finished in four weeks so as not to interrupt a planned vacation. She thought that would be a deal breaker. But Capra accepted. A shooting date was set.

But there was another problem, the script itself. Capra and Riskin had laughed a lot as they wrote the first draft of Night Bus. But their enthusiasm wasn’t shared by anyone else. It had some funny bits, but they were too close to the material to see the gaping hole.

Which is when Capra showed it to a “beta reader,” his friend Myles Connolly.

The Golden Advice That Made a Hit

Myles Connolly was a “hard-boiled newspaper reporter” turned Hollywood scribe. He was especially adept at seeing what was wrong in other scripts. He told Capra:

Frank, it’s easy to see why performers turn down your script. Sure, you’ve got some good comedy routines, but your leading characters are non-sympathetic, non-interest grabbing. People can’t identify with them. Take your girl. A spoiled brat, a rich heiress. How many spoiled heiresses do people know? And how many give a damn what happens to them? She’s a zero. Take your leading man. A long-haired, flowing-tie, Greenwich Village painter. I don’t know any vagabond painters and I doubt if you do. And a man I don’t know is a man I’m apt to dislike, especially if he has no ideals, no dragons to slay. Another zero. And when zero meets zero you’ve got zero interest.

He went on to suggest making the heiress want something to make her more sympathetic, like getting away from her controlling father. And make the man a tough, crusading reporter on the outs with his pig-headed editor and needing a story. Boom! Capra and Riskin knew he was right, and set about re-writing the script.

Retitled It Happened One Night, Capra shot the movie in the allotted four weeks. And the rest, as they say, is movie history. Next week I’ll unpack it.

For now, two takeaways. First, for your lead character, you must create an immediate rooting interest, something that hooks the reader and gets them on the character’s side, even if the character is flawed at the beginning. An opening objective. Scarlett is a brat, but she’s also in love with Ashley. [Tip: We always root for people in love, at least for a while.] So we’ll follow her along for a time to see if she gets him. We’ll also see that she has an inner strength [Tip: We always root for people fighting long odds] and hope that moxie might turn Scarlett into a better version of herself.

Tip: Ask, What does my character yearn for before the story begins?

The other takeaway is the value of a trusted editor or beta reader. I’ve been lucky over the years to work with some fantastic editors who made me a better writer, and with some priceless beta readers (starting with Mrs. B) who always see things I don’t. This is not a profession that rewards pride or narcissism, so don’t park your keister in either place.

Myles Connolly saved Night Bus from bombing. Had it done so, we might never have had all the great Capra movies to follow, or the roles where a “new” Gable really strutted his stuff—from San Francisco to Gone With the Wind, all the way to Teacher’s Pet.

1. Do you consider your lead character’s yearning before the story begins?

2. Do you have a trusted editor or beta reader(s)? How have they helped you? What advice can you give to a writer who wants to find a good one?

Validation

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Memory fails, and I think I might have discussed awards sometime back, but I recently had a discussion with another well-known author about contests, and the mega-selling New York Times writer made a couple of good points.

“I like awards because I’m a little selfish. I enjoy seeing my work recognized and the truth is, they look good on my wall and in my office. They go hand in hand with the satisfaction of a job well done, and that’s exhibited by my body of work itself.”

I agree completely.

Neither he nor I came from the Participation Trophy world, and value well-earned recognition. It’s the inspiration that feeds souls.

I was a baby-teacher way back in the late 1970s when that idea of Trophies for Everyone was announced in a staff meeting.

“Each child who participates will get a trophy,” said my moronic starter principal. I worked under several great educators, but this guy phoned it in with two tin cans and a string. Though I have to admit, participation trophies weren’t his idea, but I wouldn’t have put it past him. “It’ll make the kids feel better to take something home for their effort, and will build their self-esteem. There will be no losers.”

Even though it was a faculty meeting, and I was an adult, I raised a hand as I was taught back in elementary school. “No one will try as hard if everyone gets a trophy.”

“The winner’s trophy will be a little bigger.”

“If everyone wins, no one wins. Let em put it this way, once they get out in the real world, they won’t be handing out trophies for a job well done. They’ll distribute paychecks, and there will be no reason to try harder than others, if everyone gets the same amount.”

He blinked once. “You can put your hand down now. Any other questions?”

“Yep. Why did Nixon get us in bed with Communist China?”

“You’ll have to ask the government teacher over there. Now, moving on, some of you are backing into your parking spaces, and that gives our parents the wrong idea that you’re in a hurry to leave school once the day is done…”

All right, I come from a generation who likes to win. I was once cheated out of a first place ribbon in an elementary school three-legged race when the binding came untied after my partner and I crossed the finish line, but I don’t hold that against Coach Mankin (I really do).

One of my grandsons was cheated out of first place in a rodeo mutton busting contest last year. He held on for the full eight seconds, but another competitor took home the buckle because her parents were part of a prominent local family. I knew we’d lost when I saw they were all in their Sunday best and were already lining up for a photo even before the winner was announced.

But back to awards for writing, my friend was right. For authors struggling for recognition in a crowded and confusing landscape, awards offer credibility and a somewhat elevated status for others to see. With 11,000 books releasing every month in this country, these nods toward hard work and creativity help us gain recognition in a firehose output of new books.

I’ll be at the Will Rogers Medallion Award ceremony this time next week, and I’ll find out where my novels The Broken Truth and The Journey South fall as a finalists in Western Modern Fiction, and Western Traditional Fiction categories, respectively.

The awards won’t be accompanied by a check, only by the satisfaction that they were deemed worthy by my peers. That’s what I’m after.

There are two Spur Awards on my wall from the Western Writers of America association. Many of the traditional westerns I read as a kid proudly proclaimed they were Spur winners. As an adult I looked for that recognition on the covers of their books.

I wanted one of my own.

I count six Will Rogers Medallions in my office, and no matter if the above-mentioned novels win Gold, Silver, or Bronze, two more will look good in this collection, in my opinion.

I was also honored with a Benjamin Franklin for my first novel, The Rock Hole, and John Gilstrap and I learned a few years ago that we’d won the Kops-Fetherling International Book Award for our work. I still don’t know what that one is, but the gold award seal is nice.

I once took first place in a photographic competition. The photo was a silhouette of my cousin leading his horse into a barn. I had to wake him up late that morning after he’d been out all partying all night, and simply getting him to walk in a straight line was a challenge. The horse cooperated and only required a couple of carrots.

By the way, that barn, the hallway they’re in, and the often patched tack room on the right figured in more than one novel through the years.

Winning that little contest helped spur me on to an extremely successful side career in photography. It lit a fuse that still glows from time to time.

I now have my sights set on a Bram Stoker Award for Comancheria next year. If I win, great. If I don’t, I’ll know that I was in the company of great authors. That’s enough, but I don’t want a participation trophy. Only the real thing, because…

…a respected book award reaches out to both online and store browsers saying, “This is a great book, and worthy of your time and money.” It helps readers weed through the thousands of books that figuratively sag the shelves every year.

It also builds personal self-esteem in an extremely competitive business, and are a way to let other authors know that people out there value your work. Awards come with a word of caution, though.

Some entries require a submission fee. This often comes out of the writers’ pockets, but many times publishers accept that responsibility.

Just because you win first place or gold, doesn’t mean your book will sell any better. There are no guarantees in this business. However, it’ll look good on a resume.

Judges are human. They might see something different in your book, be it good or bad. I’ve judged a number of contests, and when my list was compared to other judges’ opinions, they might not have been the same.

So why bother in the first place?

Personal validation is the best reason I know of. If you see it as that, and no more, you won’t be disappointed.

 

Reader Friday-Distracted Writing

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You’ve heard of distracted driving, right? Cell phones, road signs, ankle-biters bug-tussling in the back seat, other distracted drivers distracting your driving—we’ve all experienced it—but hopefully not on the wrong side of a citation or accident.

Today, keeping in mind all of the above, consider the distractions that keep you from deep-diving into your current WIP, that germ of a story that grabbed your attention awhile back, but now is drowning in . . . life, real life.

What are the top five distractions affecting your writing productivity? Those pesky things that require your attention, but in the process of “attending”, dilute your enthusiasm for the project and cut into your in-the-zone time?

For me, at this time, it’s caring for my elderly father. It’s an honor for me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but it usually takes me awhile to shift from the Dad gear to the story gear.

How about you? How do you handle the “life stuff” that’s part of your story, but not part of the story you’re writing?

Are you good at setting it aside? Compartmentalizing? (Both of which I am seriously not good at . . .)

TKZers, jump right in with your tips and tricks!

 

True Crime Thursday – Cemetery Records Disappear

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by Debbie Burke

Today’s true crime case is a real head scratcher. It involves a missing father and son and burial records that disappeared from a cemetery in my hometown of Kalispell, Montana.

 

Founded in 1903, Conrad Cemetery is the final resting place for early settlers in the Flathead Valley and continues to serve the area to the present day. It is listed in the National Register of Historic Places. Greek Revival-style monuments rest on 104 acres of rolling hillsides that overlook the city of Kalispell. Orange lichen adds patina to granite and marble headstones from the early 1900s.

 

The cemetery has more than 18,000 burial sites. Every Memorial Day and Veterans Day, flags decorate the lush green grounds. Ceremonies commemorate sacrifices by members of the armed services. A number of my veteran friends are buried there including Fred Salter.

 

 

For decades, a sextant named James “Jim” Korn, now in his 90s, has overseen management of all records and groundskeeping. Many families whom he assisted consider him a trusted friend. He is a walking encyclopedia of history, names, dates, legends, and lore.

Jim lived on the cemetery grounds in a quaint yellow cottage with records stored on the lower level. When he began to have medical problems, his son Kevin was hired to assist with the job until a replacement sextant could be found.

Then, keys went missing. The only keys were traced to Jim and Kevin. The keys were returned but the cemetery board of directors became suspicious.   

In June 2025, a board member and maintenance workers discovered the cemetery office had been ransacked.

Jim and Kevin were nowhere to be found.

Also missing were computers, phones, printers, backup thumb drives, and boxes of index cards that recorded gravesite purchases. Their value exceeds $2500. 

The last contact was an email later in June purportedly from Jim, saying he would respond to the board’s questions after talking with his attorney. 

According to the Daily Inter Lake newspaper, in August the cemetery board filed a civil lawsuit against the Korns for taking the records and demanded their return.

The whereabouts of the Korns remains unknown. The records are still missing.

With no way of knowing which gravesites had already been sold, the cemetery can’t sell new sites, which stymies ongoing operations. Worse, mourning families have had to delay funerals or find other cemeteries.

Hundreds of local residents have come forward, offering their personal family records to help recreate the missing documents.

The strange incident raises two big questions:

  1. Where are Jim and Kevin Korn?
  2. Why steal records that have no value except for cemetery operations?

Given Jim’s good reputation, people are concerned for the wellbeing of the man in his 90s. Is he alive?

What motivation is behind the theft? Did the thief plan to hold records hostage hoping to extort money for their return? Is there a personal grudge involved?

Until the Korns are located, or the records are returned, the crime remains unsolved and speculation will continue.

~~~

TKZers: What do you make of this mysterious crime? Can you think of other possible motives?

~~~

 

The Villain’s Journey-How to Create Villains Readers Love to Hate covers many unusual motives for crimes. Check out strange motives and stranger villains at:

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Lighting

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Lighting
Terry Odell

Light and Color

Image from Wikimedia Commons

In a couple of hours, the Hubster and I will be heading out on a vacation. I confess I’m a food junkie, and watch a lot of cooking show, so when I saw there was a “Chefs Making Waves” cruise where TV celebrity chefs would be taking over the restaurants, I didn’t need a lot of virtual arm-twisting to sign up. Once we board, I’m going off the grid (the cruise line wants $30 or $40/DAY for ONE device for their internet package) and I’m too cheap for that.
I should be around today to respond to comments, but between having edits for Deadly Ambitions to finish and being in travel mode, I hope you’ll forgive a rerun of a 2020 post I did on dealing with light in your writing.

Light is important when we’re writing—and I’m not talking about having enough light to work by. I’m talking about how much we can describe in our scenes. One of my critique partners questioned a bit I’d written (yes, it’s from one of my romantic suspense books).

She stepped inside and closed the door behind them. Placing her forefinger over her lips, she shook her head before he could speak. She unbuttoned the top button of his shirt. Then walked her fingers to the second, sliding the disc through the slit in the fabric. Then to the third, then the next, until she’d laid the plaid flannel open, revealing the tight-fitting black tee she’d seen at the pond this morning when he’d given her the shirt off his back.

His comment: “It’s night. Do you need to show one of them turning on a light?” Maybe. More on that in a minute.

In a book I read some years back, the author had made a point of a total power failure on a moonless night. There was no source of light, and the pitch-blackness of the scene was a way for the hero and heroine to have to get “closer” since they couldn’t see.

It didn’t take long for them to end up in bed, but somehow, he was able to see the color of her eyes as they made love. I don’t know whether the author had forgotten she’d set up the scene to have no light, or if she didn’t do her own verifying of what you can and can’t see in total darkness. Yes, our eyes will adapt to dim light, but there has to be some source of light for them to send images to the brain. If you’ve ever taken a cave tour, you’ll know there’s no adapting to total darkness.

In the case of the paragraph I’d written, the character had seen the man’s clothes earlier that day, so she’d probably remember the colors, especially since the tee was black. And you’ll note, I didn’t say “red and green plaid shirt.”

I won’t delve too deeply into biology, but our retinas are lined with rods and cones. Rods function in dim light, but can’t detect color; cones need more light, but they can “see” color. (All the “seeing” is done in the brain, not the eyes.)

We want to describe our scenes, we want our readers to ‘see’ everything, but we have to remember to keep it real. This might mean doing some personal testing—when you wake up before it’s fully light, check to see how much you can actually ‘see’. The ability to see color drops off quickly. So even if you see your hands, or the chair across the room, or the picture on the wall, how much light do you need before you can leave the realm of black and white? What colors do you see first? When it gets dark, what colors drop off first. Divers are probably aware of the way certain colors are no longer detectable as they descend.

Here’s a video showing what happens.

And another quick aside about seeing color. Blue is focused on the front of the retina, red farther back. This makes it very hard for the brain to create an image where both colors are in focus. It’s hard on the eyes. For that reason, it’s probably not wise to have a book cover with red text on a blue background, or vice-versa. You can look up chromostereopsis if you like scientific explanations. For me, I’m fine with “don’t do that because it’s hard to read.”

How do you deal with light and color in your books? Any examples of when it’s done well? How about not well?

New! Find me at Substack with Writings and Wanderings

Deadly Ambitions
Peace in Mapleton doesn’t last. Police Chief Gordon Hepler is already juggling a bitter ex-mayoral candidate who refuses to accept election results and a new council member determined to cut police department’s funding.
Meanwhile, Angie’s long-delayed diner remodel uncovers an old journal, sparking her curiosity about the girl who wrote it. But as she digs for answers, is she uncovering more than she bargained for?
Now, Gordon must untangle political maneuvering, personal grudges, and hidden agendas before danger closes in on the people he loves most.
Deadly Ambitions delivers small-town intrigue, political tension, and page-turning suspense rooted in both history and today’s ambitions.

Preorder now

Terry Odell is an award-winning author of Mystery and Romantic Suspense, although she prefers to think of them all as “Mysteries with Relationships.”

Flathead River Writers Conference Recap – Part 2

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by Debbie Burke

Two weeks ago, I reviewed the 35th Annual Flathead River Writers Conference in Kalispell, Montana. If you missed that, here’s the link. There were too many great speakers and too much information to cram into one post. Today is a continuation of the conference summary.

Author, poet, and educator Jake Arrowtop

Fiction author and educator Jake Arrowtop wasn’t even interested in poetry until he realized that could be a positive influence at an alternative high school on the Blackfeet Reservation in Browning, Montana. With obvious affection, he describes his students who are either “fighting” or “giggling.” He encourages them to write poems as a release for the pent-up emotional energy of teenage angst combined with historical, intergenerational trauma. His male students especially struggle with “indigenous masculinity, the notion of a warrior who has nowhere to go.”

After Jake read a poem written by one dropout, his support inspired her to write more. Soon she had a stack. He printed her poems and bound them into a book—a piece of art she could proudly hold in her hands.

Another moving story came about when he took six boys to Yellowstone to hunt buffalo. The night before, the boys had crowded into Jake’s motel room to hang out, giggling, eating junk food, and goofing around until he finally shooed them to their own rooms at 2 a.m.

Early the next morning, they trekked to the “killing fields” outside the park boundaries where hopeful hunters wait for buffalo to emerge from the national park sanctuary. Jake honors the hunting tradition and appreciates the massive amounts of meat that sustain him and his community.

When he spotted a buffalo, he aimed his rifle and shot. Although it was a solid hit that should have been a kill shot, the buffalo leapt around like a jackrabbit for several seconds until Jake’s second shot dropped him.

The boys gathered around Jake, hooting and cheering.

Instead of celebration, guilt and regret overcame Jake. He broke down, crying in front of the surprised boys.

It took time for him to sort out and write about his complex feelings. Later, he realized the act of taking the boys to teach them hunting had connected him with the heritage of untold generations of nomadic, Native people, following buffalo across the plains. He felt the heavy grief, sorrow, and profound loss of their way of life. He says it was good for the impressionable boys to see him cry and that gave them freedom to express complicated emotions in their own poetry.

Jake works to channel the students’ energy away from fighting and instead to a positive, creative release through writing. “My biggest goal is to introduce kids to community-shared experiences.”

From listening to him, I’m certain he’s already achieving that goal as a teacher who makes a lasting impact on his students.

 

YA author Jess Owen Kara and graphic author Jonathan Fetter-Vorm

Jess Owen Kara attended her first Flathead Writers Conference at age 16. Now she’s featured at the conference as an award-winning author of YA fantasy series and contemporary realistic YA fiction. Her publishing routes include indie-publishing, crowd funding, and traditional. She offered words of advice for writers to sustain themselves on the long and sometimes frustrating journey.

Writers often see traditional publication as the magic bullet to fame and success. Jess puts that in perspective. Following traditional publication of her novel Furry Faux Paw, the boss at her day job asked how sales were going. Jess replied, “I’m still here.”

Her attitude of equanimity grows from realistic expectations and how she defines success. Rather than dreams of NY Times bestsellers and movie deals that are out of the writer’s control, she counsels writers to ask: “What is your idea of success today? It may be to write XX number of words.”

More wisdom: “Don’t compare yourself to other writers. Comparison is the thief of joy. Compare only to learn from others.”

Despite conventional advice to build a brand, Jess believes, “You are not a brand, not like shoes or cereal. Good storytelling is the most effective sales tool.”

She quotes Michelangelo at 85 who said, “Still I am learning.”

Last, “the only way to fail is to stop writing.”

Jess is a survivor. We’ll continue to hear from her for many years to come. 

 

A writing conference is a great chance to build a mailing list. I took the opportunity to encourage sign-ups for my list with a prize drawing—a hand-crafted wood pen inspired by my book, TheVillain’s Journey-How to Create Villains Readers Love to Hate. My good friend and TKZ emeritus Steve Hooley created the stunning pen.

Do contests work? The winner Bill Bond was thrilled and here’s the stack of sign-ups from the conference.

The upside of the Flathead Writers Conference: many excellent speakers. The downside: too many excellent speakers. A good problem to have even though it resulted in a jam-packed schedule with breakout sessions. I wanted to hear both speakers scheduled at the same time but couldn’t. Drat!

One session I missed was the panel with editor/publisher Cindy Spiegel (Spiegel and Grau), and literary agents Abby Saul and Julie Stevenson.

Literary agent Julie Stevenson

Later, I chatted with Julie and she shared her impressions: “It was such a wonderful weekend—so thoughtfully organized, and filled with warmth, inspiration, and a true sense of community. I came away feeling renewed and grateful to have spent time with such an engaged and generous group of writers and publishing professionals.” Julie graciously offered her assistance with future events, adding: “I’m a big fan of the conference and want to see it continue to thrive.”

Wow, how wonderful is that from a veteran agent?

As always, one-on-one appointments with agents and editors are popular. People can submit pages from their WIP in advance and receive individual professional feedback. Appointments always fill quickly, and writers come away with true insider perspectives to improve their work.

 

Did I mention the abundance of great information that came from this conference? As before in Part 1, this post is running long and I still haven’t covered all the high points. Come back in two weeks for Part 3 about the Flathead River Writers Conference, featuring memoirist Robert Petrone, graphic nonfiction author Jonathan Fetter-Vorm, and romantasy novelist J.D. Evans.

~~~

TKZers: At a conference, have you ever had a private appointment with a publishing professional? What did you learn from it?

~~~

 

Hot off the presses: brand-new box set of Tawny Lindholm Thrillers, Volumes 1-3. 

Three exciting novels only $7.99

Profluence in Writing

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Profluence (noun) –  a copious or smooth flowing

* * *

I was re-listening to a Great Courses lecture the other day entitled Writing Great Fiction taught by professor and author James Hynes. The particular episode I re-visited was on the fundamentals of plotting a novel, and Hynes mentioned the importance of profluence in story-telling.

“Profluence” must be a relatively new word because you may not find it in every dictionary. Dictionary.com only has the adjective form “profluent,” but the word has made its way into the online Merriam-Webster dictionary.

However, I couldn’t find the term “profluence” in any of my books on the craft of writing, so I was naturally intrigued.

Hynes credits John Gardner with defining profluence as the feeling you have when you’re reading a novel or short story that you’re getting somewhere. Even if the story isn’t told in chronological sequence, the reader needs to feel the forward momentum.

Specifically, in his work The Art of Fiction, Gardner wrote:

“By definition – and of aesthetic necessity – a story contains profluence, a requirement best satisfied by a sequence of causally related events, a sequence that can end in only one of two ways: in resolution … or in logical exhaustion.”

Along the same lines, in Aspects of the Novel, E.M. Forster defined the singular merit and fault of a story:

“… it can only have one merit: that of making the audience want to know what happens next. And conversely it can only have one fault: that of making the audience not want to know what happens next.”

Professor Hynes had his own take on this concept.

“A work of fiction can only have one merit: that of making the reader want to keep reading. And it can only have one fault: that of making the reader not want to keep reading.”

So we can think of a novel as one scene followed by another, each drawing the reader further into the plot. The goal is always to get the reader to turn the page. Even if the sequence of events is out of chronological order, the author’s job is to create the sense of forward momentum by leading the reader through the story, one scene at a time.

Forster makes one further distinction between story and plot. He defines a story as “a narrative of events arranged in their time-sequence.” A plot, though, according to Forster is “also a narrative of events, the emphasis falling on causality.” He goes on to use this illustration:

“The king died and then the queen died” is a story. “The king died, and then the queen died of grief” is a  plot.

In the first example, readers will turn the page to find out what happens next. In the second, readers will want to know what happens next and why it happened. That sense of causality adds depth to the story and encourages the reader to keep turning pages.

* * *

As authors, we know we should create stories with interesting characters, a strong plot, and sentences that are well-constructed and grammatically correct. But the notion of profluence seems to move beyond the mechanics of writing and into the way those elements interact to produce the elusive flow that will keep the reader engaged.

In an article on the Writers Unite website, D. A. Ratliff provides several ideas on how to create and maintain that flow. Here are a few of those suggestions:

  • Create an intriguing hook at the beginning that will grab the reader’s attention
  • Don’t overly describe what’s going on. Let the reader wonder and anticipate learning more in a later chapter
  • Use clear language so you don’t confuse the reader
  • Use effective transitions. Cliffhanger scene endings will compel the reader to turn the page
  • Vary sentence types to create a musical flow

So there you have it. A novel is not just a series of scenes. At its best, it’s a continuous flow of story that’s impossible to put down.

* * *

So TKZers: Have you ever heard the term profluence before? How do you create the flow in your stories to keep readers turning pages? What would you add to the suggestions above?

* * *

 

 

KNIGHTS IN MANHATTAN

Reen & Joanie are always moving forward. Whether it’s in dark, secret passageways or running through some of the most famous landmarks in Manhattan, they’re relentless in their pursuit of the bad guys.

Click the image for a link to all retail platforms.

On Starting a New Project

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by James Scott Bell
@jamesscottbell

Evan Hunter author photo from The Moment She Was Gone

Today is release day for Romeo’s Truth. (Ebook at deal price; print to follow shortly.) Tomorrow I begin working in earnest on Romeo #11.

I make it my goal to hit the ground running on a new project as soon as a book is released. I’ve written before about being like a movie studio. I want to have a main project and a few in various stages of development, waiting to get a green light.

Starting a new novel is always a high. I know there will be low points, like the “30k wall.” I don’t know why this happens, but I’ve heard other authors experience it, too. When I get to that mark I begin to think of the long road ahead, and also wonder if my foundations are strong enough. I look at my outline and structure. My main concern is having the hero locked into a death struggle. My definition of great fiction is that it is the record of how a character fights with death. Death comes in three forms: physical (as in the thriller); professional or vocational; and psychological/spiritual. The stakes have to be that high to generate optimum reader interest.

There’s always a way to break through the wall, or at least climb over it. Once that’s done, I’m off and running again to the end.

I always celebrate when I finish a book. Do something fun, like take my long-suffering wife out for a nice dinner. Or cook our favorite meal at home, which always involves a ribeye steak and nice bottle of California Cabernet, followed by a movie or one of our favorites shows, like a Sherlock Holmes with Jeremy Brett, or a Poirot with David Suchet.

 Before starting work on the new book, I pause. I’m anxious and ready to go, but there’s also a little knot of hesitation. How do I do this again? Write a whole book? Thriller writer J. T. Ellison once said, “It’s the whole getting started thing for me. I forget how to write a book. The first ten thousand words are like digging fossils from rocks.”

In a TV interview, Dean Koontz expressed a similar feeling, So he goes into a huge room in his huge house, where shelves are packed with all his books, foreign and domestic. He looks a them and says, “I did it before, I can do it again.” That’s Dean freaking Koontz! (Over 140 novels, 500 million sold).

So I have a little ritual. I settle into my chair with a cup of my favorite java. I look at the visual inspirations in my office. There’s a photo of John D. McDonald, pipe in mouth, typing away. There’s an author photo of Evan Hunter, aka Ed McBain, looking at me as if to say, “Don’t give me any excuses. Write!” There’s the black coffee mug with WRITER on it, which  I bought the year I decided I was going to be a writer, even though naysayers had told me I couldn’t learn how. I put that mug where I could look at it every day, which I did for the seven years it took me to sell my first novel.

Then I put on coffeehouse sounds via Coffitivity, wiggle my fingers, and start typing.

How do you feel about starting a new project? High, hopeful, or hesitant? Do you have any writing rituals?