We are pleased to have a guest blog today by one of our regular participants, KAY DIBIANCA. Please check the bottom of this post for Kay’s background and links. Thanks, Kay, for agreeing to present this article.

BOBBY FISCHER AND THE HERO’S JOURNEY

KAY DIBIANCA, AUGUST 2021

Recently I re-watched the movie Searching for Bobby Fischer. Although the story is based on the early life of a young American chess prodigy named Josh Waitzkin, the undercurrent is all about Bobby Fischer.

Fischer’s life was worthy of a Greek tragedy. Raised by a single mother, he received a chess set as a gift when he was six years old and the journey began. Fischer was amazing. Talented and obsessed with the game, he became the youngest ever U.S. Junior Chess Champion at thirteen and the youngest ever U.S. Chess Champion at fourteen. At age fifteen, he became the world’s youngest person to ever achieve the rank of international grandmaster.

One example of his extraordinary skill was a game he played in 1956, in which he scored a remarkable victory over a leading American chess master, Donald Byrne, in what came to be known as The Game of the Century. Writing in Chess Review magazine, Hans Kmoch called it, “… a stunning masterpiece of combination play … “ Fischer was thirteen years old.

But like many great protagonists, Fischer had a personality of extremes. With an IQ measured at around 180, he had all the mental acuity of a genius – and all the charm of a horned toad. The world simply did not conform to Bobby Fischer’s standards, and he insisted on pointing it out. He railed against the Russians who had dominated the chess world for decades, accusing them of rigging the competitions by playing each other to easy draws so that they could reserve precious energy to play people from other countries. (He was right.) But his fury extended far beyond the chess board. He was rabidly antisemitic even though he was himself Jewish (through his mother), and he left a long trail of broken relationships and burned-out bridges behind him.

However, despite his many flaws, Fischer was so talented and hard-working that most people in the American chess world longed to see him compete for the world championship. As he was reaching his prime in the late 1960’s, it seemed the 1972 world championship would be perfect timing.

But the road to the 1972 World Chess Championship for an American started at the 1969 U.S. Championship. The top three finishers there would move on to the interzonal competitions, and the winner of those contests would compete for the title. However, because of disagreements with the organizing body, Fischer sat out the 1969 U.S. Championship making him ineligible for the later tournaments.

Then a miracle occurred.

In a culture not known for the humility of its participants, one of the U.S. Championship finalists, Pal Benko, stepped aside to give his hard-won spot to Bobby Fischer because he knew Fischer was the American with the best chance to beat the Russian superstar Boris Spassky.

Like Achilles returning to the field of battle, Fischer took Benko’s place and raged through the qualifying rounds, destroying all opponents. The extent of his winning streak was unprecedented, and he earned a higher rating than any player in history up to that time. More importantly, he won the right to meet Spassky in Iceland for the World Championship. The stage was set. It would be a classic cold war battle between the lone American and the Russian machine. Cue the drum roll.

But with the world eagerly awaiting The Match of the Century, Fischer balked. He wasn’t happy with the conditions in Iceland and he threatened to stay away, prompting Secretary of State Henry Kissinger to call and appeal to his sense of patriotism. Finally, after additional histrionics that rattled the chess establishment, Bobby Fischer sat down at the chessboard in Reykjavik and won the tournament by an impressive 12 ½ to 8 ½ score. He returned to the United States a conquering hero and was given a ticker tape parade in Manhattan. He was invited on television nighttime talk shows and feted by celebrities and politicians. Bobby Fischer had arrived.

But a flawed character cannot frolic in the rarified atmosphere of celebrity for long, and Bobby Fischer didn’t disappoint. He disappeared. Having lived so much of his life on sixty-four squares, he seemed unwilling or unable to move to a larger stage. Always reclusive and erratic, his behavior deteriorated and he refused to defend his title in 1975.

He did come out of hiding in 1992 and announced he would play an unofficial rematch against Spassky. But that match was to take place in Yugoslavia, a country on which the United States had imposed sanctions, and Fischer was advised by the U.S. that he would be breaking the law if he proceeded. Unsurprisingly, Fischer ignored the warnings, played the match, and won. Then the U.S. government, which had so lovingly welcomed him home twenty years before, issued a warrant for his arrest.

He never returned to America, but continued living abroad and dispensing his characteristic diatribes. In 2004 he was detained in a Japanese airport for using an illegal passport and jailed for several months. Iceland’s parliament stepped in and offered Fischer citizenship. He moved there in 2005 and died of kidney failure in Reykjavik in 2008.

If Bobby Fischer had been a polite, genteel man, he would still have been remembered as arguably the greatest chess player who ever lived. But would he have captured the imagination of the entire world if he hadn’t carried so much baggage? Would people have invested part of themselves in him if he had just quietly made his mark? I think not.

We are attracted to heroes who are complicated. They may thrill, shock, or disappoint, but they never bore us. They connect with life in a profound and mysterious way, and we’re like voyeurs, watching as they crest the ridge or wrestle the dragon.  We applaud their triumphs, weep at their failures, mourn their loss, and in the end, we acknowledge and value the impact they have had on us.

“What is chess, do you think? Those who play for fun or not at all dismiss it as a game. The ones who devote their lives to it for the most part insist that it’s a science. It’s neither. Bobby Fischer got underneath it like no one before and found at its center, art.” Ben Kingsley in the role of Bruce Pandolfini in “Searching for Bobby Fischer.”

So TKZers. What flaws does your protagonist have? Will he/she conquer them, succumb to them, or just manage to get through and live to fight another day?

***

 I am deeply grateful to Steve Hooley for inviting me to guest post, and to all the TKZ community for the information and inspiration I have found on this site over the years.

Kay DiBianca is a former software developer and IT manager who loves to create literary puzzles in the mystery genre for thoughtful readers to solve. Her debut novel, The Watch on the Fencepost, won a 2019 Illumination Award for General Fiction and a 2019 Eric Hoffer Award for Mystery. Her second novel, Dead Man’s Watch, was released in 2020.

An avid runner, Kay can often be found at a nearby track, on the treadmill, or at a large park near her home. Kay and her husband, Frank, live, run, and write in Memphis, Tennessee.

You can connect with Kay through her website at https://kaydibianca.com.

By John Gilstrap (But not really)

A couple of weeks ago, I posted in this space my observations about writing for translation to audio books.  Well, wouldn’t you know it? Basil Sands, the voice of Jonathan Grave, my literary alter ego, paid attention and agreed to pen a guest post about an audio guy’s view of audio books.

Basil has been a frequent poster here on TKZ since the beginning, and he’s a crack author in his own right.

As you read this, I will be supervising a team of movers who will be packaging pretty much everything we own for six months’ of storage before we move to the dream house in West Virginia. My inevitable silence will have everything to do with the lack of an internet connection.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, from the great state of Alaska, I bring you Basil Sands:

===

Seanchaidhe – n. – literally “a bearer of old lore”. A Seanchaidhe is a traditional Irish storyteller/historian.

I like to imagine that somewhere in my past there is an Irish ancestor who made his living travelling from village to village telling stories to both teach and entertain. Having been a voracious reader since I was five years old, and according to my parents was a storyteller even longer, having come to the world right off screaming a tale on my first breath after being ripped from the warmth of my mother’s womb.

Okay, maybe I wasn’t acting at quite that young, but not much later I am told.

I have always loved telling stories. My stories. Other people’s stories. The stories the Leprechauns tell me around the fire at night. Factual, fictual, historical or fantastical. I love hearing stories and I love telling stories. And so I believe do you dear reader of this blog.

After John Gilstrap’s article of a couple weeks ago on the topic of writing for audiobooks he invited me to come and talk a bit more on the topic from a different aspect of the gem of storytelling. That of the narrator/producer.

I have been an avid follower of TKZ since not long after its founding. My Leprechauns and I have happily been leaving our marks in the comments below when we can. From a hidden cabin fortress built into the side of a mountain in Anchorage Alaska I have been writing thrillers and recording audiobooks since 2006. John’s books were among the first of my professional step into the world of “books on tape” and I have not looked back.

From what I have seen, creating audiobooks seems to appear relatively simple to a great deal of the population, including a surprisingly large number of writers. This is particularly true when an author balks at the cost of having a pro create one. For a ten-hour novel without tons of research heavy material this can range from $6000+ upon delivery for a ‘per finished hour’ (PFH) contract to zero out of pocket up front with a fifty/fifty split in a ‘royalty share’ (RS) contract. The latter of which can potentially entail the author sharing even more significant dinero if the books sell well. Of course, that share can also be zilch if it doesn’t, the narrator is taking 100% of the actual risk on a RS deal aka 50 hours of labor for no return.

“How hard can it be?” I’ve heard from more than one author, “You just sit in closet and read the book into the microphone. I think I will just save the money and do it myself.”

Following is an excerpt from an actual email an author sent to me when they realized just how much their book was making on a royalty share contract (it was a lot) and thought maybe they didn’t want to share 50% of that kinda money for the whole series, but they also still didn’t want to pay the standard rates for a narrator producer.

“I decided to record book 2 on my own. I’ve always had an ear for voices (or is it a tongue?) and figured I read well enough–It’s turns out I hate it. It’s very much like real work. It will be my last, guaranteed.”

And much like work it is! Very, very much!

Here is a breakdown of the process it takes to make an audiobook:

• Book is published
  • self or traditional
• Audiobook is contracted
  • Traditional publishers usually own the audio rights and have their own folks that do this
  • Self-pubbed authors and small-press authors choose from a variety of audiobook self-publishing companies and do the whole thing themselves
• Narrator is selected
  • Self-pubbed and small-press authors typically pick the narrator themselves based on recorded auditions
  • Traditional audiobook production houses most often have a stable of narrators they choose from to narrate particular genres
    • authors seldom have a say in the matter
      • But might
    • Narrator receives materials and production begins
      • In trad houses the only thing the narrator does is ‘prep read’ the book and then narrate the book
        • All of the remaining production work is done by directors, producers, editors, proofers, sound engineers and marketing teams
      • In self/small-pubs the narrator is responsible for everything but the writing, artwork, and marketing bits
        • Although if it is RS the narrator has equal responsibility for marketing if they hope to get paid
      • Completed materials are proofed and edited
        • Proofing = reading the manuscript while listening and annotating all mispronunciations, missed words, extra words
        • Editing = listening through book, removing extraneous sounds, odd breaths, thumps and mouth clicks, weird noises*
          • Self-produced narrators most often hire out these two functions to a single person
        • Corrections recorded by the narrator are inserted by the editor and final files returned for mastering
      • Mastering = making the audio sound pretty, this takes an audio engineer to get really superb sound
        • Audio engineers have a really good ear and sense of space, and some pretty expensive gear
        • Often a narrator will hire an engineer to get their sound settings right for their recording space, then little if any final mastering is needed
          • Very few editor/proofers are also sound engineers
        • Final book is uploaded and eventually comes up for sale.
        • Everybody gets paid…hopefully

That is the very basic process right there. Those steps, in some form or another, all must be done for every single audiobook to brought into existence.

How long does it take to make an audiobook?

A general idea of finished length of any audiobook is typically going to be in the range of one finished hour for every 9500 words. Therefore a 60k word book will be about five hours long at the end. A 100k word book comes in at a bit more than ten hours. But those lengths are only the finished product. The time it takes to create that product is variable based upon several factors, some controllable others not. Depending on the experience level of the narrator it takes between two to five hours on mic to create one finished hour of audiobook. And that is just the narrator’s part!

Here are a few of the things that can affect the time it takes to record an audiobook:

• The heaviness of the writing
  A typical thriller usually reads much easier than a PhD level tome titled Capturing Non-Markovian Dynamics on Near-Term Quantum Computers.
• Language, IE how it is used
  A 600K word fantasy epic (first of 12 volumes) with entirely reconstituted laws of phonetic pronunciation and every person and place name having added ‘eth’, ‘el’ and ‘ae’ randomly to names and otherwise common words throughout is much more challenging than the vast majority of, perhaps all, cozy mysteries.
• Character Accents and Dialects
  If your characters have regional accents, that usually takes extra prep and may also require several takes for a scene. Like the time I had Canadian, South African, Dutch, English, Australian, and New Zealand characters all together in a single high-speed conversation. That scene took me a few extra moments to get through.
• Regional Spellings/Pronunciations
  Schuykill River in Pennsylvania. Houston Street in Manhattan. Worcester in Massachusetts. Look them up if you think you know them but aren’t from them.

Writing your novel with an audiobook version in mind

Several years ago I narrated a dozen or so titles for Sci-Fi author Piers Anthony, his whole backlist of books published before he became famous with his wildly popular Xanth series in the 80s. In his Cluster series, about a Tarzan-like interplanetary hero who takes on the form of whatever species he is sent to help, Anthony has a number of characters with names spelled like #>@<}, and ]**(#), and ^…–~ and so on. I contacted him directly and asked how those were to be pronounced.

He replied, “When I wrote those in the sixties and seventies audiobooks were not a thing. I never even imagined those being pronounced out loud. Feel free to just make something up, I trust you.”

These days audiobooks are a huge industry, and it is expected to continue to rise in popularity for the foreseeable future. Whether or not you as a writer enjoy, or can even withstand, listening to audiobooks you can bet that 30%-40% of your audience does. Many folks, myself included seldom are able to read for pleasure due to busy schedules, but have plenty of time to listen to audiobooks while doing physical tasks or familiar chores that occupy hands and eyes, but not so much the brain. For the last decade or so I only read for pay, and then seldom get to choose the materials but get assigned. I do however ingest several hours of audiobooks most days while working my big boy job.

So for writing your books with the idea of having an audiobook recorded here are a handful of suggestions that will make it not only easier for a narrator to get it right, but will ultimately bless your print readers as well.

• Read your text out loud to yourself.
  This is one of the greatest methods of self-editing in my experience. When we read our manuscript aloud, we have to make our lips and tongues say the actual words in the order they are on the page rather than letting our minds read the words as we think they should be. If you the writer stumble saying a sentence out loud, that is likely how the reader is hearing it in their heads.
• Use Dialogue Tags appropriately.
  That multi-national conversation above could not have turned out as well as it did had the author not put tags or action descriptors on nearly every line of dialogue to make the speaker obvious. If your conversation is a rapid fire back and forth between only two characters, you may not need as many tags, but will still need to make sure there are sufficient ones to keep the narrator aware of who is saying what.
• Announce accents and any speech related quirks early and clearly
  There are few things as angina-inducing for a narrator as having read hundreds of pages of a particular cowboy character’s dialogue only to discover on page 369 the single mention of the aforementioned character’s posh British accent and how it was so out of place riding the range in 1870s Texas. If there is an accent mention it upon or as close as possible to the character’s first dialogue. Do not assume the reader will pick up on it based on place and setting if it is not a single location story. Even then don’t expect the reader to hear it in the same voice you heard in your head when you wrote it.
• For the sake of your narrator’s health please keep strained sounding voices to a minimum
  I am not referring to emotional strain as that goes with the story, but actual physical strain on the vocal folds of the narrator. Gravelly, raspy, rough, harsh, etc. Attempting such a sound in the booth for extended periods can cause actual lasting damage to the voice. I once did a 6-book series of romance-thrillers that followed a group of five studly former Marines and their retired boss as private detectives. Each book focused on one of the characters, with the others all appearing in support roles in that story. The voice of the fifty-something retired Master Gunnery Sergeant “sounded like he maintained a diet of gravel washed down with tar coffee as he chain-smoked cheap cigars”. He only appeared a handful of times in each of the first five books, so I was able to sustain almost exactly the sound I thought the author imagined. It was all just fine until I got to the last book and the entire thing was Gunny’s story, including almost 50% of the dialogue. After that sexology of stories** I had to take a month off narration to let my voice heal.
• Prepare a list of special details and potential surprises
  If you have any special pronunciations, accents or dialects, uncommon words, and so on and want your narrator to be dedicated to you for life, make a list of such things for them in advance. This not only saves the narrator time, but saves the continuity of the story by not having excessive pickups***.
• Write Well!
  This is probably the single most important thing for any author to have success with audiobooks. The text has to have the capacity to become real in the mind of the reader both via manuscript reading and audible storytelling. This means something quite different from one genre to the next, but in all cases a well written story will literally flow off the narrator’s tongue and sound natural to the ear.

Finally, here are a couple of things related to self/small pubbed authors specifically, where the author has more control over the process.

• Fit the right narrator to your project
  A gentle voiced kindergarten teacher narrating an alpha-male biker gang vs cop thriller probably won’t seem realistic. Likewise, don’t hire a male former Marine turned lumberjack turned actor to narrate your cupcake centric cozy mystery unless you want all of your characters, male, female and children alike, to sound like chain-smoking-gravel-eaters.
• Do not ‘direct’ the performance
  Unless you are an actual experienced acting director managing that project in the studio looking through the booth glass, physically or virtually, unless you are that person then once you have accepted and approved the initial 15-minute sample of the recording the remainder of the narration, including voicing of characters, styles of reading, anything performance specific are up to the narrator. In most contracts by legitimate audiobook publishers, this is actually stipulated in some manner.

And lastly here is a bit for those intrepid adventurers among you who think you want to narrate your own books for sale.

• Radio/Broadcast experience does not translate to audiobooks
  While they all use voice as the medium, audiobooks are nothing like radio, I know as I have done both. First off, “radio-voice” is not welcome, nobody wants to listen to non-stop announcer voice tell a story. The other big difference is comparable to that of a sprinter versus an extreme distance runner. Radio is 1-5 minute sound bites with commercial breaks interspersed while audiobooks are hours upon hours of uninterrupted you talking in different voices while all alone in a small dark box.
• Audiobook Narration/Production is a Marathon
  My shortest audiobooks are a couple short stories about 30 minutes long that took a couple days to fully produce. The longest is The Bible, at just over 86 hours completed, which took well over a thousand man-hours to make ready for publication. If you have ever done public speaking, you know that even a short speech or sermon, 20 or 30 minutes, can wear you out. Imagine talking in hour long segments, five or six times a day with only a ten-minute break for water to go in and out. It can be utterly exhausting.
• Get Coaching first
  If you are an experienced stage or film actor be advised, audiobook acting is only remotely similar. You will need coaching of some sort to ensure you are delivering the best product you can create with your voice alone. Every single part of the listener’s understanding of the story comes from the narrator’s vocal delivery. Audiobooks are 100% actor delivered, there are zero sound effects or mood setting musical scores in true audiobooks.

A Test: The Narrator’s Crucible

If you think you may want to narrate your own books, following in the footsteps of such greats as Neil Gaiman, Carrie Fisher or Oprah Winfrey before you spend your hard earned dollars on a fancy microphone, pre-amp, computer upgrades and software try this test.

1. Pick your favorite book, eBook or paper doesn’t matter.
2. Close yourself in a small dark room, like a walk in closet or half-bathroom, with only a single light to read by
3. Read out loud for 1 hour, doing different voices for each character and stopping every time you make a mistake in the read and re-reading that line until you get it correct before continuing.
   1. Record yourself on your phone or laptop, etc. so you can listen back at the end
4. Take a ten-minute break at the top of each hour
5. Repeat for 2-3 one-hour sessions each day
6. Do this every day for a week
7. If you have not become disgusted by the sound of your own voice and given up by the end of the week, you might stand a chance at actually enjoying this narrating gig.
   1. Maybe.

There is a lot more detail trying to pour out of my fingertips than I could ever put into a single blog post, but this provides a 15,000 foot view, with a handful treetop skimming dives as a bonus.

If you are interested in learning more about the process, either as an author who wants your piece of the audio market or as a someone interested in becoming a narrator or producer here are some very helpful links that can get you in swimming toward the deep end fairly quickly.

Audiobook creation Exchange (https://www.acx.com/) – Audible’s division for self/small publishers, like KDP for audiobooks.  ACX is a marketplace where authors, literary agents, publishers, and other Rights Holders can connect with narrators, engineers, recording studios, and other Producers capable of producing a finished audiobook. The result: More audiobooks will be made.

Narrator’s Roadmap (https://www.narratorsroadmap.com/) – the amazing Karen Commins’ extremely informative website – If you’re new to this career, every resource on this page — articles, books, connections, and videos — answers the question “How can I become an audiobook narrator?” You’ll find invaluable advice from industry pros that you will want to read and absorb. Success leaves tracks!

Audiobook Publishers Association – https://www.audiopub.org/ – APA is a not-for-profit trade association that advocates the common, collective business interests of audio publishers. The APA consists of audio publishing companies and suppliers, distributors, and retailers of spoken word products and allied fields related to the production, distribution, and sale of audiobooks.

Being me and the way I am it seems I have probably already used more than the number of words I should put here, therefore let’s move this thing to the chat below for conversifying and questionizing!

*Weird noises – Do not fart while recording, they might miss it in editing, but the listeners certainly will not. Trust me on this.

**Sexology – that may not be the mathematically correct word for a series of six but is fairly accurate to the storylines

***Pickups – small corrections re-recorded and pasted in, hopefully matching the surrounding original sound. May be done in a bar but only if you’re desperate.

BONUS! BONUS! BONUS! BONUS! BONUS! BONUS! BONUS! BONUS!

If you made it this far in my ramblings you deserve a treat.

I have US & UK Audible coupon codes for several of the books that I have both written and narrated.

ICE HAMMER BOXED SET

APPETIZERS OF THE GODS

THE NEW TESTAMENT, DARBY TRANSLATION

Drop me an email with your title preference and whether you are a US or UK resident and I will send you a code for a free download.

All I ask in return is an honest review on Audible.

Check out more about my narration and voice work at www.sandmanstudiosak.com

“First sentences are doors to worlds.” — Ursula K. Le Guin

By PJ Parrish

Good morning, folks. We have today a submission from a contributing writer that shows some great promise. It comes to us with the genre designated as Christian teen romance. I’ll be back in a moment.

When Love Calls You Home 

I broke the surface of the waters of Colten Springs and gasped for breath before swimming to shore. Jumping off the high-dive was the stupidest thing I’d ever done. Now I had a headache. When would I learn I couldn’t do normal things like everyone else. Not with my sinuses.

“She twirls, she sings, she swims!” Heather Gleason’s Canadian accent made her sound like a foreign news reporter on the scene. “What will she do next?” Her freckled face beamed down at me from her five-foot-eight frame as I trudged out of the lake, my brown hair clinging like cellophane to my head, shoulders, and back, my hands slinging water with every step.

“Your turn to try the high-dive,” I said, puffing as if I’d swum the English Channel. The matted hair on my cheeks felt yucky. I pushed it back and dried the droplets of water clinging to my eyelashes with the beach towel Heather threw at me.

“There’s not enough time. We’re leaving pretty soon, and you promised to show me that spring with the little waterfalls.”

“Oh, yeah. We better change clothes first. I’ll meet you at the paddle boats.”

The dressing area was uphill. Heather scrambled to the top while I followed like a little old lady. I had no zip, no zest, nothing. I wasn’t looking forward to paddling across the lake. But a promise was a promise.

Fifteen minutes later, Heather and I pulled our blue-and-white paddle boat to the bank’s edge and tied it to an old stump about three hundred yards from where the Lindell High School band buses were parked. Then we carefully climbed a grass-covered slope covered with dead leaves, spurts of grass, and dotted with native shrubbery. By the time we reached the top, I’d broken a sweat and felt weak as water, but Heather was depending on me. I kept going. Twenty paces took us inside the hundred-thousand-acre national forest that surrounded us. A weathered, wood-planked bridge with waist-high guardrails stood about five yards away.

Somehow, I made it. Leaning slightly over rails that were rough and splintery, we looked down into a gully filled with several layers of dead leaves, dried branches, and rust-colored pine straw. A gray rabbit scooted out from under the bridge, scattering a few brown leaves as he crossed the gully and leapt into the woods on the other side.

_______________________

First off, this is competently written. The writer has a good grasp of dialogue, description and basic craft. I like the interplay between the two characters. I like the contrast between the narrator’s physical reticence and the braver countenance of her friend. It reminds me a lot of the scenes about female friendship in the movie Julia. In the movie, Jane Fonda’s character “Lily” is shy, tentative and afraid of life in general. Her friend Julia, played by Vanessa Redgrave, is brash and fearless, always pushing Lily to be brave. The dynamic plays out in great flashback scenes of the two as girls, but develops into the movie’s theme when the adult Lily is asked by Julia to smuggle money out of Nazi Germany to save Jews.

This opening page of the narrator being goaded by Heather to be physically brave reminded me of a scene from Julia where Julia coaxes the terrified Lily to ford a river via a downed log. Alas, no clips. Just this one picture of the two girls, but it shows the shy Lily and the beaming Julia.

I like stories about friendship. But what I am not getting from our submission today is what many here at TKZ call “the telling details.” I’d like to see our writer try harder to use her grasp of description and dialogue to give us more character layers. More on that in a second.

Since we are in “Christian teen romance” genre here and not mystery or suspense, some of our usual “rules” might not apply here. For example, we always suggest of suspense stories that we need to get a sense that the main character’s world has been upended somehow. Jim Bell calls this “a disturbance.”  It can be a death, a crime, or more subtly, a vague feeling of dread. But what happens when we are dealing with a romance? A romance is essentially an emotional journey, centered on your protagonist. So what elements do we need in the opening 400-500 words?

Well, it’s been four decades since I wrote romance, but I’ll try to give this a crack. Three things I think a romance (or any story needs) in the early pages:

Establish a connection with a main character.  I wish I could remember where I read this so I could credit the writer but she suggested this exercise: Read the first five or six pages of your novel then stop and write down whatever you learned about that character. Not what you the writer know in your head; just what you put on the page. If you list only one or two things, you need to revise.

In this submission we learn what about the narrator?

1. She’s female
2. She’s a little tentative and perhaps lacks physical stamina.
3. She has brown hair.

That’s it, folks. We don’t know her age or her name. We get only one detail about what she looks like. Now what do we know about her friend?

1. She’s female
2. Her name is Heather.
3. She’s Canadian
4. She’s five-eight
5. She has freckles.
6. She’s physically brave

Do you see the issue here? Heather is far more vivid than the unnamed narrator. Now, I recognize that when you are in first person point of view, it’s hard to insert descriptions etc. of your narrator. (egad, don’t resort to having your heroine look in a mirror and tell us what she sees!) And our narrator is, by nature, not flashy like Heather. But you have to find ways to make her come alive in the readers’ imagination. You can easily slip her name into Heather’s dialogue. You can find a way, via her thoughts to tell us her age, where she lives, how long she’s known Heather, etc. Always look for ways to insert telling details in your narration.

But here’s something the writer did really well. One way to illuminate character is to contrast it with someone else’s.  By making Heather so ballsy and out-there, it allows the writer to show us (rather than tell us!) that the other girl is rather meek and cautious. The writer could have written something bad like this:

I had always been timid, afraid to do even the smallest physical thing. And I had been sickly since birth, barely able to climb a small hill.

Instead, we learn this through her actions. Good job there.

Establish tension. Something must grab the reader’s attention immediately. This can be an unusual use of language, a unique voice, great description (although not too much too early), establishment of a mood.

Or maybe one great opening line. Here’s one from the YA novel Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. (A young friend gave me this book and I am enjoying it. Well, as much as I can, as it transports me back to the zits and awful zeitgeist of my teenage years.

The problem with my life is that it was someone’s else’s idea.

Why does that work? Great voice, for starters. The story is about teenage first loves and self-discovery. This line feels bleak but once the story gets moving, it’s uplifting.

Although I really like the opening of this submission with the character jumping off the high drive (It’s action! It’s symbolism!) I don’t feel “grabbed” yet by this submission. As I said, the friendship interplay is interesting, but I am really hoping something is going to happen pretty soon. 

Establish your setting. I don’t know where we are in this submission. Outside of “Colten Springs” there is no clue. Remember: You’re asking the reader to enter a conjured world, so try to work in these elements:  Geographic location. I get that we are in woods/lake but is it rural South? Upstate New York? Oregon? You mention a “dressing area” — what is this exactly? Are we at a park because I had envisioned a rural swimming hole location. And is the “high dive” off a cliff or a diving board? Again, be specific in your details. Time of year (They’re swimming so I’m guessing summer? Can you slip in a telling detail to ground me?) And always SHOW this through your narrator’s senses and experience. 

Okay,  before I go to a line edit, one last thing. Living up in northern Michigan, you’d think I’d have a frim grasp of what a “Canadian accent” sounds like. But outside of a few obvious things — like saying “aboot” instead of “about,” I’m kinda clueless. So telling me your character has a Canadian accent isn’t helpful. Can you find a way to show me? I don’t mean you should resort to trying to duplicate a dialect. That gets annoying to readers fast. But find a way to suggest it via your dialogue and thoughts. Something like:

I had known Heather for a year but at times the way she talked could still make me giggle. “It’s about four.” Came out “It’s aboot four.” Until I met her, I never knew Canadians had an accent. Living all my XX years in Colton Springs, Kentucky, I had never even met a foreigner.

See what this also does? It adds character layers to your girls. You can sneak in her age, and where she lives. (Important things to reveal as early as you can in your story). If she lives in the South, you can have even more fun with the accent thing, especially if your main character has one herself or maybe has never been exposed to “foreigners.” If the accent is worth mentioning, make it mean something. Make your details work harder.  

Now some quick comments in line edits.

When Love Calls You Home I like your title. It mean several things and has emotion

I broke the surface of the waters of Colten Springs and gasped for breath before swimming to shore. Jumping off the high-dive I am a little confused. You said they were swimming in Colten Springs but is there a diving board? Clarify your setting. was the stupidest thing I’d ever done. Now I had a headache. When would I learn I couldn’t do normal things like everyone else. Not with my sinuses.

“She twirls, she sings, she swims! What will Connie Grant do next?” I’d set this dialogue off by itself. And here is where you can tell us your protag’s name. 

Heather Gleason’s Canadian accent made her sound like a foreign news reporter on the scene. See comments about/aboot accents. And what does a foreign news reporter sound like? “What will she do next?” Her freckled face beamed down at me from her five-foot-eight frame as I trudged out of the lake, my brown hair clinging like cellophane to my head, shoulders, and back, my hands slinging water with every step.

“Your turn to try the high-dive,” I said, puffing as if I’d swum the English Channel.

Heather tossed me a towel. I dried my face but my matted hair clung to my shoulders and back like wet cellophane. Open the graph with a physical motion — Heather and the towel. The matted hair on my cheeks felt yucky. I pushed it back and dried the droplets of water clinging to my eyelashes with the beach towel Heather threw at me.

“There’s not enough time,” Heather said. We’re leaving pretty soon, and you promised to show me that spring with the little waterfalls.” So we ARE in a woodsy park area somewhere? Again, here is where you could slip in details. Never let a chance go by to illuminate character. And maybe add some tension, intrigue, suspense or dollop of backstory. Something like:

The waterfall had always been my secret place. It was where I hid when mom started in on me. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to share it with anyone. Even Heather.

“Oh, yeah,” I said. We better change clothes first. I’ll meet you at the paddle boats.” So is she going to show her the waterfall? Unclear.

The dressing area was uphill. Now this suggests to me a park with a cabana changing room? Don’t be afraid to slow down just a tad and ground us better in your setting. Heather scrambled to the top while I followed like a little old lady. I had no zip, no zest, nothing. I wasn’t looking forward to paddling across the lake. But a promise was a promise.

Fifteen minutes later, If you’re going to use the paddleboats, have it mean something in the scene. Maybe you use it for a conversation that moves the plot forward. Otherwise, I would take them straight to the parking lot. Heather and I pulled our blue-and-white paddle boat to the bank’s edge and tied it to an old stump about three hundred yards from where the Lindell High School band buses were parked. Again, I am a little confused about this setting. Apparently, this is a school outing? Buses are waiting in the parking lot. But I was visualizing a more rural swimming hole locale. Then we carefully Why? Is it steep, rock-strewn? Your woods setting is good! But use it to amplify whatever is going on in your character’s head/emotions climbed a grass-covered slope covered with dead leaves, spurts of grass, and dotted with native shrubbery. Huckleberry bushes? Lady ferns? Michigan holly? Be specific! Don’t let a chance go by to use TELLING DETAILS. By the time we reached the top, I’d broken a sweat and felt weak as water, but Heather was depending on me. I kept going.

New graph needed here I think. Twenty paces took us inside the hundred-thousand-acre national forest Huron National Forest (Mich)? Sierra National Forest (Cal)? White Mountain National Forest (New Hamp)? that surrounded us. Okay, they’ve just climbed a big hill of some kind and are apparently now looking DOWN on a forest? What do they see? What is your character thinking? Why are you taking us there? Make the setting SAY SOMETHING ABOUT CHARACTER or MAKE IT RELATE TO PLOT. A weathered, wood-planked bridge with waist-high guardrails stood about five yards away.

Somehow, I made it. We went over to the bridge and I leaned on it, still trying to catch my breath. I looked down Leaning slightly over rails that were rough and splintery, we looked down into a gully filled with several layers of dead leaves, dried branches, and rust-colored pine straw. How deep? A gray rabbit scooted out from under the bridge, scattering a few brown leaves as he crossed the gully and it disappeared into the woods on the other side.

One last note. I like this submission and feel it has great potential. Because I sense that the relationship between Heather and unnamed girl is important. But I am hoping that the writer has a good reason for taking us readers on a hike up the hill into the forest and to this bridge. Something must happen soon. Or I am not sure we’re going to be willing to go any further down the trail.

Thank you, dear writer, for submitting. I hope you don’t find this discouraging. Given some well-placed details, character layers, and a more focused sense of what you are trying to accomplish in this scene, you’re on the right track.