Bulwer-Lytton 2024
Terry Odell
Following up Debbie’s post with some more humor, something I think is lacking in our lives these days. I’m sharing some of the winners of the 2024 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. These entries, I believe, are all of the human generated variety. If you’re unfamiliar with the contest, here’s the skinny from the website:
“Since 1982 the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest has challenged participants to write an atrocious opening sentence to the worst novel never written. The whimsical literary competition honors Sir Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830 novel Paul Clifford begins with “It was a dark and stormy night.”
The contest receives thousands of entries each year, and every summer our Panel of Undistinguished Judges convenes to select winners and dishonorable mentions for such categories as Purpose Prose and Vile Puns.”
2024 Grand Prize
**She had a body that reached out and slapped my face like a five-pound ham-hock tossed from a speeding truck.
Lawrence Person, Austin, TX
Grand Panjandrum’s Special Award
**Mrs. Higgins’ body was found in the pantry, bludgeoned with a potato ricer and lying atop a fifty-pound sack of Yukon golds, her favorite for making gnocchi, though some people consider them too moist for this purpose.
Joel Phillips, West Trenton, NJ
Crime & Detective
Winner
**She was poured into the red latex dress like Jello poured into a balloon, almost bursting at the seams, and her zaftig shape was awesome to behold, but I knew from the look on her face and the .45 she held pointing at me, that this was no standard client of my detective agency, but a new collection agency tactic to get me to pay my long-overdue phone bill.
Jack Harnly, Sarasota, FL
Dishonorable Mentions
**Magnus was in a tough spot…the Icelandic Police were pressing him to cough up the name of the top capo in each of the 3 main cities in which the Mafia operated—Reykjavik, Akureyri, and Middelf—threatening to lock him away for life if he didn’t, but he knew that if he ratted out the Reykjavikingur or the Akureyringur the Mob would kill him for sure—so he just gave them the Middelfingur.
Mark Meiches, Dallas, TX
(Personal note: I’ve actually been to Akureyri, but don’t ask me how to pronounce it.)
**That sweltering Friday evening she not so much walked but slithered into my shabby strip mall P.I. office, showing off all her curves, and I knew then I was in for a weekend of trouble because Dave’s Reptile Emporium next door, from which the ball python had escaped, was closed until Monday.
Douglas Purdy, Roseville, CA
**Staring unblinkingly into the pleading, tear-filled eyes of yet another dame looking for me to solve all her problems, I sighed, stretched, scratched my whiskers, stuck my hind leg in the air and bent my spine at a 45-degree angle to reach down and lick my butt clean, then donned my fedora—Taco, Cat Detective, was officially on the case.
Gwen Simonalle, Grenoble, France
There are many more categories. You can find everything here.
Any favorites? Have you ever entered?
New! Find me at Substack with Writings and Wanderings
When breaking family ties is the only option.
Madison Westfield has information that could short-circuit her politician father’s campaign for governor. But he’s family. Although he was a father more in word than deed, she changes her identity and leaves the country rather than blow the whistle.
Blackthorne, Inc. taps Security and Investigations staffer, Logan Bolt, to track down Madison Westfield. When he finds her in the Faroe Islands, her story doesn’t match the one her father told Blackthorne. The investigation assignment quickly switches to personal protection for Madison.
Soon, they’re involved with a drug ring and a kidnapping attempt. Will working together put them in more danger? Can a budding relationship survive the dangers they encounter?
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Terry Odell is an award-winning author of Mystery and Romantic Suspense, although she prefers to think of them all as “Mysteries with Relationships.”