Celebrating(?) the Florida Man

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By Elaine Viets


      Bigfoot, werewolves and other large hairy creatures abound in stories. We’re  glad they’re myths.

“Sex and Death on the Beach,” my new Florida Beach series has another creature who is not mythical. The legendary Florida Man and Woman  can be large and hairy, but they are definitely real.

Florida Man is the measure for the residents of the Florodora, the most exclusive apartment building in Peerless Point, Florida. The Florodora is more than a hundred years old, the first apartment building in this south Florida beach town between Fort Lauderdale and Miami.

The Florodora is owned by Norah McCarthy, granddaughter of the original owner. You don’t need money or social status to rent an apartment at the Florodora. You must be a member of a more exclusive group. You have to be a genuine Florida Man or Woman.

You’ve seen the headlines. “Florida Man Busted with Meth, Guns and Baby Gator in Truck.” Or: “Florida Woman Bathes in Mountain Dew in Attempt to Erase DNA after Committing Murder.”

Yes, those are real headlines. So is this one: “Florida Man Arrested by Coast Guard for Trying to Cross Atlantic in Human-sized Hamster Wheel.”

That was hamster man’s second arrest trying to wheel across the Atlantic.

Florida Men and Women stories often involve alcohol and alligators, although the Florida Man who tossed a live alligator the size of a Labrador through the drive-up window of a burger joint was probably sober.

Seems this Florida Man found a gator by the road and dumped it in the back of his pickup (pickups are Florida Man’s favorite vehicle). Then he got out of the truck and chucked the gator through the burger joint drive-up window. After he paid for his soft drink.

Unbelievable? That’s the standard reaction to Florida Man. Are there any limits on his –  or her – so-called pranks?

Nope. And many of them aren’t funny. Including the Miami Cannibal, a naked marauder who attacked an innocent man, chewed off the poor guy’s face and left him blind. The cops shot that Florida Man dead.

A slang dictionary says Florida Man “commits bizarre or idiotic crimes, popularly associated with – and often reported in – Florida.”

Florida Man, known as the “world’s worst superhero,” became nationally famous in 2013 when he was given his own Twitter account. He’s inspired a play, two TV series, songs, and more.

Like many Floridians, my feelings about Florida Man and Woman are somewhere between appalled and perversely proud

Some people piously claim that reveling in these tales of Florida Men and Women is wrong, because the perpetrators are poor and uneducated.

Not true. Florida Men and Women come from all classes. Check out this story from the Miami Herald:

“How did a Florida man afford 27 Ferraris and a yacht? A $22 million tax fraud.”

The article began:

“As some fully employed people found their Social Security contributions were $0 for recent years, a Stuart man and his wife luxuriated in a 7,700-square-foot three-bedroom, eight-bathroom house with a small dock and cove.”

Nothing poor or uneducated about that Florida Man.

The tradition of renting to a Florida Man or Woman at the Florodora started with Norah’s grandmother. Eleanor Harriman had a soft spot for scapegraces, since she was one herself. She was a Florodora Girl, a superstar chorus girl a century ago. Grandma was in the 1920 Broadway production of Florodora, before she eloped with handsome Johnny Harriman, a millionaire, back when a million was real money. She was married at sixteen and madly in love.

Version 1.0.0

Johnny died a year later, leaving Eleanor a very rich widow.

When Norah was old enough, Grandma told her about poor Johnny’s accidental death, which involved a champagne bottle and a chandelier.

As my new mystery, “Sex and Death on the Beach” begins, the plumbers are digging up the  Florodora yard, trying to fix the pool. Norah hears a commotion, and discovers the plumbers have dug up the body of a missing porn star, Sammie Lant. Sammie ruined a college football player when she had sex on the beach with him. Norah is a suspect in the woman’s death, and soon the Florodora is swarming with police.

Norah’s residents enjoy swapping Florida Man stories, just like me. I’ve sprinkled these tales throughout the mystery. Here is my favorite, told by Norah’s lover and Florodora resident, Dean. Dean and Norah are drinking coffee.

“Have you heard the latest Florida Man story?” Dean asked.

“Does it involve alcohol and alligators?” Norah said.

“Nope. Satan in schools.”

“You got me,” she said.

Perversely, Dean took a long drink of coffee before he started his story. Finally, he said, “Our very own elected Florida Man, Governor Ron DeSantis, wants more religion in the state’s public schools. He signed a new law to have volunteer school chaplains.”

“Doesn’t separation of church and state keep religion out of public schools?” Norah asked.

“It should,” Dean said. “The governor says the chaplains can participate after school. At least one group responded quickly to his call: the Satanic Temple. They have an After School Satan program.”

“What are they going to do with the little devils? Sacrifice a goat?” Norah asked.

“According to reports, the After School Satan Club’s activities include games, solving puzzles and promoting critical thinking. Also, the Satanists say they do not promote a ‘belief in a personal Satan.’”

“Hah! They never had class with my geometry teacher,” Norah said. “What did the governor say about the Satanists’ offer?” I took a long drink of coffee.

“His communications director said, ‘HELL, NO.’”

I nearly snorted coffee out my nose. “Warn me when you do that again.” I was nearly choking with laughter.

Dean waited until I set down my coffee cup. “The governor has said repeatedly that the Satanists are not a religion. However, the Satanists say they are recognized by the IRS.” Dean took a sip of his cooling coffee.

“The Devil knows his own,” I said.

 

          “Sex and Death on the Beach,” my new Florida Beach mystery, will be published June 3 as a hardcover and an ebook. You can preorder copies from your local bookstore, as well as Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other outlets. Thriftbooks.com has the best price for the hardcover right now: https://tinyurl.com/yz32f8c7

 

Voice Revisited

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Voice Revisited
Terry Odell

Travel gods willing, I’ll be in the air much of the day, on my way to Hubster’s Bucket List trip of a Mississippi River cruise on a paddlewheeler with a few extra days in New Orleans to enjoy the sights–and the food. I’ll respond to comments when I can.

In my last post, Dr. Doug Lyle spoke about voice being the most important thing that sells your next book, so I’m revisiting a post I did on the subject of voice back in 2021, with some additions and other modifications. (There’s a free short story read in this version.)

I’m looking at two aspects of voice: Character and Author.

Part A. Character Voices, or “Give Them Their Own.”

I recall reading my first book by a best-selling author. A male character discovered a young girl, about 5 years old, who had been left to die in the woods. He brings her to his cabin and finds she cannot or will not speak. I was impressed with the way the character spoke to the child—it seemed exactly how someone should deal with that situation. However, as more characters entered the story, I discovered that he spoke that way to all of them. Not only that, almost every character in the book spoke with that same “Talking to a Child” voice. Obviously, it doesn’t bother the millions who buy her books, but it bugged the heck out of me. And it’s consistent with all her books in that series. It wasn’t just a one-time deal.

It’s important in a book that characters not only sound like themselves, but don’t sound like each other. That means knowing their history, their age, education, as well as occupation, nationality—the list goes on. Ideally, a reader should be able to know who’s speaking from the dialogue on the page without beats, tags, or narrative.

Cowboys don’t talk like artists, who don’t talk like sailors, who don’t talk like politicians. And men don’t talk like women. They’re hard-wired differently. I’m a woman, and in my first drafts the dialogue will lean in that direction. After I’ve written my male characters’ dialogue, I go back and cut it down by at least 25%.

A few tips to make your characters sound like themselves.

Don’t rely on the “clever.” Dialect is a pitfall—more like the Grand Canyon. If you’re relying on phonetic spelling to show dialect, you’ll stop your readers cold. Nobody wants to stop to sound out words. You can show dialects or accents with one or two word choices, or better yet, have another character notice. “She heard the Texas in his voice” will let the reader know.

Give your characters a few simple “go to” words or phrases. For me, this is often deciding what words my character will use when he or she swears (since I write a lot of cops and covert ops teams, swearing is a given). Then, make sure he or she is the only person who uses that word or phrase.

Keep the narrative “in character” as well. This especially includes internal monologue, and even extends to narrative. Keep your metaphors and similes in character. If your character’s a mechanic, he’s not likely to think of things in terms of ballet metaphors.

What your character says and does reveals a lot to your readers. Workshops I’ve attended have given out the standard character worksheets (which have me screaming and running for the hills), but it’s the “other” questions that reveal your character. What’s in her purse? What’s in his garbage? What does he/she order at Starbucks? Would he/she even be caught dead in a Starbucks? James Scott Bell’s workshops include excellent examples.

How do you keep your characters distinct? How do you get to know them? Do you need to know a lot before you start, or are you (like I am) someone who learns about them as you go?

Which brings me to Part B: Authorial Voice, or “Stay the Hell off the Page.”

After  a presentation I gave for a local book club, one member said she’d read one of my books. Her comment was, “You write the same way you talk.” And, after I sent a chapter to my critique partners, one said, “This sounds very Terry.” That, I think, sums up “voice.”

Any author starting out tries to write what she thinks a writer should sound like. She might work hard to make her characters sound unique, and true to their backgrounds, but all the other stuff—the narrative parts where the character isn’t speaking—sounds stilted. It sounds “writerly.”

But what the characters say isn’t quite the same as “Authorial Voice.” Think of all the renditions of the national anthem performed at sporting events. The words are the same, the notes are the same, but each singer performs it in their unique voice.

The author’s voice is all the other words, the way the sentences are put together, how the paragraphs break. Can anyone confuse Harlan Coben with Lee Child? Janet Evanovich with Michael Connelly? Even Nora Roberts has a distinctive voice that is recognizable whether she’s writing a romance as Roberts, or one of her “In Death” futuristics as JD Robb. There are those who say the authorial voice is the writer’s style.

When I was a fledgling writer, I experimented. One such experiment was a short story in a voice that seems very different from the way I write now. Perhaps it was because I’d been reading a book my cousin recommended, which was not what I usually read. At any rate, it’s a very short story, and was almost my first paid writing gig. Alas, the magazine folded before the offered contract was issued. When I wrote it, it was more of an exercise in POV; first his, then hers. It’s called “Words” and you can download it for free here. For those of you locked into your Kindles, you can find it here. (Amazon is cranky about freebies.) I’d be curious to know if anyone sees my current voice with the one in this short short.

Your authorial voice will develop over time and (one hopes) will become recognizable. It’s important to learn the ‘rules’ of writing before trying to be distinctive. In the art world, we recognize artists by their style. The Star Spangled Banner opens countless events, yet even though the notes are the same, they presentations vary. Immensely.

Before artists of any format—music, poetry, prose, acting, create their own recognizable style, they learn the basics. Before your voice will develop, you have to write. And write. And write some more.

Try looking at your manuscript, or the book you’re reading. Find a passage that’s filled with narrative. How do you, or the author in question deal with it? Is it in the same vein as the dialogue, or do you get jolted out of the story because all of a sudden there’s an outsider taking over? If it’s a funny book, the narrative needs to reflect that sense of humor. If it’s serious, the author shouldn’t be cracking wise in narrative. If your character speaks in short, choppy sentences, then he’s likely to think that way, too. Again, the narrative should continue in that same style.

You want your voice to be recognized, but not intrude on the story. If you want the reader caught up in the story and the characters, you, the author have no business being on the page. Every word on the page should seem to come from the characters, whether it’s dialogue or narrative. You’re the conduit for the story and the characters. You’re there so they shine, not the reverse.

It takes practice—and courage, because you have to put “you” on the page, and not the “writer.” But when you finish, you should have your own special work. You won’t be a cookie-cutter clone. Rule of thumb—if it sounds “writerly”, cut it. When the words flow from the fingertips, that’s probably your own voice coming through. Let it sing.

New! Find me at Substack with Writings and Wanderings

Danger Abroad

When breaking family ties is the only option.

Madison Westfield has information that could short-circuit her politician father’s campaign for governor. But he’s family. Although he was a father more in word than deed, she changes her identity and leaves the country rather than blow the whistle.

Blackthorne, Inc. taps Security and Investigations staffer, Logan Bolt, to track down Madison Westfield. When he finds her in the Faroe Islands, her story doesn’t match the one her father told Blackthorne. The investigation assignment quickly switches to personal protection for Madison.

Soon, they’re involved with a drug ring and a kidnapping attempt. Will working together put them in more danger? Can a budding relationship survive the dangers they encounter?
Available now.

Terry Odell is an award-winning author of Mystery and Romantic Suspense, although she prefers to think of them all as “Mysteries with Relationships.”

First Page Critique – A New Day to Tell a Lie

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by Debbie Burke

@burke_writer

Here’s a first page from another Brave Author with the intriguing title: A New Day to Tell a Lie. Please read and we’ll discuss.

 

September 11, 2001, at 7:20 AM, was a pivotal moment in history. Nineteen men boarded Flights 11, 175, 77, and 93, setting in motion a series of events that would change the world and the people in it forever.

Roman Stark strolls through the beautiful, original brass and glass doors of 890 Park Avenue, located in the elegant Upper East Side. As he steps into the bright morning of a New York City day, he feels the city’s vibrant energy wrap around him, reminding him of that hopeful saying, ‘If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere’—a comforting thought he really needs today.

As he enjoys the morning sun, his thoughts drift back to that surprising moment a month ago when Elle slapped him. Their relationship, much like others he’s experienced, is a complicated blend of surprises and discoveries. He saw a side of her he had never encountered before, and he now grasped what her father alluded to when he suggested that a certain kind of ‘crazy’ was part of her mother’s lineage.

Roman made a significant life-altering change by leaving the beautiful home he once shared with his wife in Upper Montclair, New Jersey. He moved to a spacious six-bedroom co-op owned by his uncle, located just 18 miles away in ‘the city.’ Uncle Elliot’s tall and charming nephew always radiated confidence and charm during his visits, and he had been his uncle’s sole guest for several years. Imagine them enjoying brandy by the warm fire in the study, with Roman attentively listening to his uncle’s lengthy tales following delightful late-night dinners. His commitment and patience truly paid off as he received the keys to the apartment, along with an unused parking space in the garage. Most importantly, he accomplished his primary objective: obtaining a substantial amount to launch his exciting new venture, Stark Air.

When his uncle passed away, it turned out that no one in the private, ultra-secure building could quite remember what the mysterious Elliot Draper looked like. As a result, assuming his identity became rather straightforward. During the reading of Uncle Elliot’s will, he made it clear that his nephew was to repay every single penny to his estate. It was an intriguing twist for those who ever borrowed from him, as he delighted in ‘surprising’ them with unexpected conditions and interest in his seemingly generous gifts. In a surprising turn of events, an 87-year-old man cleverly outsmarted him, adding this latest disappointment to the long list of emotional and financial challenges that Roman already had to face.

~~~

Brave Author, the title caught my interest right away. It promises intrigue, deception, and secrets to be revealed, exactly the effect a title should have on a potential reader. Good job.

The first paragraph of detailed description of 9/11 is evidently intended to foreshadow what’s coming in the book but it didn’t work as written. Too many specifics were distracting, like the exact time and flight numbers. Additionally, the last sentence is a general statement that most people are well aware of so it doesn’t need to be spelled out.

One other problem is the lack of transition into the story. There is no hint of why 9/11 connects to a man walking out of an opulent NYC building into the sunshine.

Depending on how closely 9/11 relates to the story, here’s an alternative suggestion: Delete the first paragraph and instead maybe start with something along these lines:

On the sunny morning of September 10, 2001, Roman Stark strolls through the doors of….

That could establish a date that readers understand—the last day of normalcy before the catastrophic attack. But that may not be relevant to your story.

 

The initial paragraph introduces the main character and is told from his point of view (POV). It establishes location, weather, a possible theme, and ends with a good teaser “—a comforting thought he really needs today.” So far so good.

Then the rest of the page turns into a confusing backstory dump describing a disjointed string of events that jump back and forth in time.

A sunny NYC morning with musings about broken relationships, including a provocative statement by an apparent former father-in-law.

Then Roman’s life-changing move out of a home and marriage into a spacious apartment his uncle owns, then a point-of-view break where the narrator describes Roman, then a jump several years farther back in time, then another intrusion by the narrator who directly addresses the reader: “Imagine them enjoying brandy by the warm fire in the study, with Roman attentively listening to his uncle’s lengthy tales following delightful late-night dinners.”

Finally, a hint that Roman has charmed and probably conned the uncle into giving him the apartment, a parking space, and apparently seed money to launch Stark Air.

I may be really stretching here but does his airline business somehow relate to 9/11?

Roman’s goals are achieved but, at this point, it isn’t clear if Roman has apartment keys and is living there while the uncle is still alive.

Another jump back in time to when the uncle dies.

I’m further confused about when Roman actually moves in and when he assumes his uncle’s identity. Since the neighbors haven’t seen the uncle in years, that’s a cool development that makes the reader curious. But needs to be explained more clearly.

But then there’s another time jump to the reading of the uncle’s will that contains a big surprise for Roman. He’s supposed to pay back what appeared to be his inheritance. Apparently in the past (another time jump) the uncle had a pattern of giving gifts to other people but then surprising them by expecting repayment.

Now I’m totally confused. Was the apartment a gift before the uncle’s death? Was Roman posing as the uncle while the uncle was still alive? Or after death when the estate is being settled? Does the impersonation happen because Roman learns about unexpected debt from the will? Who’s the beneficiary of the estate?

If Roman is passing himself off as the uncle after the reading of the will, isn’t the actual beneficiary going to catch on pretty fast?

Notice the italics of apparent and appeared numerous times. That’s because I had to draw conclusions from events and actions that weren’t clearly connected.

Brave Author, the concept has a lot of promise. The main character appears to be a sleazy opportunist with unrealistic dreams who’s stunned when he must repay what he believed was a gift. And he’s impersonating a dead man. The situation is rich with potential complications.

But the confusing explanation of events during his morning walk indicates a serious problem with where the story starts.

There’s also inconsistency in the style. Sometimes it’s present tense, sometimes past. Sometimes the POV appears to be Roman’s. Other times there’s authorial intrusion. His disjointed thoughts swing from hopeful elation to irrelevant philosophizing to satisfaction with his own cunning to shock that his 87-year-old uncle outfoxed him to realization of his personal and financial problems. All this happens while he’s cheerfully strolling in the sunshine, deluding himself into thinking he can be a success in NYC.

Try taking a step back and ask yourself two questions:

WHAT info does the reader need to know?

WHEN do they need to know it?

Does the reader need a detailed description of 9/11 at the very beginning? Probably not.

Does the reader need to know Roman has problems and needs to give himself a pep talk? Yes.

How about that his wife slapped him a month ago? Probably yes since that caused him to move out of their home.

His musings of other past relationships that apparently failed, as well as the comments by his (presumably former) father-in-law about the mother’s “craziness” passed down to the daughter? Not needed at this point.

Does the reader need to know he moved into his uncle’s luxury apartment? Yes.

Big unanswered question: is the uncle alive or dead at this point?

Specific descriptive details about Roman’s former home? Not needed now.

The relationship with the wealthy but socially isolated uncle and his age (87)? Definitely needed.

The apparent grooming Roman does over several years to ingratiate himself with the uncle? Definitely, but delete the “Imagine” authorial intrusion. Save details like cozy fire and late dinners for later.

Roman’s goals to inherit a luxury apartment and seed money to start Stark Air? Definitely needed.

The apparent achievement of those goals? Yes.

The nasty surprise that the uncle’s “gifts” are in fact loans? Oh yes!

What about the backstory that uncle has apparently misled other people with “gifts” that have strings attached? Probably not now but necessary later.

Several other big questions that need to be answered: How did the uncle die? Natural causes? If he died at home, presumably neighbors who hadn’t seen him in years would have noticed his body being removed. If so, how does Roman pull off the impersonation?

The impersonation of the uncle? Absolutely needed but clarify the timeline. Does this happen before or after Roman learns he’s in debt?

After answering the questions, clarifying the timeline, and deleting unnecessary clutter, where should the story start?

Unless Roman is about to walk into the 9/11 explosions, I don’t think a sunny stroll while musing about the past is a good beginning.

One alternative idea: What if you introduce Roman by summarizing the past few years that he’s spent grooming his wealthy, socially isolated, 87-year-old Uncle Elliot? Roman’s goals are to inherit the luxury NYC apartment and obtain funds for his dream of starting the Stark Air business. When Uncle Elliot dies, Roman is feeling confident about his future as he’s sitting in the attorney’s office for the reading of the will.

Then the attorney drops the bomb. What Roman believed was his inheritance are actually loans that need to be repaid. And that someone else is the beneficiary of the estate. Or there are other daunting conditions Roman must meet to become the beneficiary. Or whatever other complications you can think of to turn his dreams into disaster.

How can he solve the immediate problem?

He decides to impersonate his uncle and live in the apartment. Meanwhile, though, he must figure out a plan to start a new day to tell a lie.

Thanks for submitting this page, Brave Author. With some clarification and rearrangement, you should have a compelling novel of intrigue.

~~~

TKZers, do you have suggestions for the Brave Author? Please share in the comments.

~~~

 

 

The Villain’s Journey – How to Create Villains Readers Love to Hate by Debbie Burke will be published July 13, 2025.

Preorder now at this link.

Chiastic Structure

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Chiasmus – noun – a reversal in the order of words in two otherwise parallel phrases, as in “He went to the country, to the town went she.”

* * *

I recently encountered an episode of Thomas Umstadt Jr’s Author Media podcast entitled How to Write Enduring Best Sellers with the Two-act Chiastic Structure. I wasn’t familiar with the term “chiastic”, so I listened and learned a lot.

According to Umstadt

Western storytelling is typically based on the three-act structure. … However, the three-act structure is not the only story structure. There is an ancient story structure that dates back to the time of oral storytelling. This ancient structure is still popular in the East, yet it appeals to modern Western readers.

This two-act concept is the chiastic structure, and it can be used for sentences, poetry, stories, or even series. A famous example of a chiastic sentence was used by President John F. Kennedy in his inaugural address:

“Ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country.”

No matter what length, the chiastic structure follows an ABBA model and can be illustrated by two lines crossing like this:

In the Kennedy example, A = “your country” and B = “you.” The second part of the statement is a mirror image of the first.

* * *

But chiastic structure gets really interesting when it’s applied to stories. Check out this example from Wikipedia that shows the Biblical narrative of Noah and the Ark as it moves from A to the midpoint and then resolves from the midpoint back to A’.

Amazing!

* * *

I tend to think of story structure more as an arc. Rising action, crisis and midpoint, falling action and resolution.

However, after I read about chiastic structure, I realize I’ve used a modified form of it a couple of times in my books. In my first novel, The Watch on the Fencepost, the story begins when a young woman finds a mysterious watch on a fencepost which propels her on a quest to find the truth about her parents’ untimely deaths. Their deaths represent the loss of her closest relationships. The book ends when she finds another watch on the same fencepost that solidifies her relationship with a man who will become a special part of her life.

I always thought of this kind of writing as bookends to a story, but there’s a lot more to chiastic structure. I suppose the internal chapters have to mirror each other. I haven’t tried anything close to this, but it would be interesting to outline a story with that structure.

* * *

So TKZers: Are you familiar with chiastic structure? Have you used it in your own writing? Is it something you think you may want to use in the future?

* * *

Coming Soon!

Another Side of Sunshine
A Reen & Joanie Detective Agency Mystery

Spunky ten-year-old Reen and her shy nine-year-old cousin Joanie go on a quest to find a treasure hidden by the mysterious Mr. Shadow. Along the way, they discover new insights into friendship and fair play.

 

Exposition Delayed is Not Exposition Denied

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by James Scott Bell
@jamesscottbell

Here we are with another first-page for critique. You know the drill. See you on the other side.

CHAPTER ONE

Kendari

It’s dark outside. It’s the type of darkness that stifles noise to save us from the monsters that hunt in the night. But our monsters are already circling in celebration, and we are trapped.

Tonight we mentally prepare for the brutal reminder that the Mearrin rule the food chain. For some, preparation means sleep, and for others, like me, it means lying awake in the hours before the sun rises.

It’s the eve of Sacrifice Night.

Shadows jump outside, blocking the light creeping through the gaps of my shuttered window. My breath catches and my heart throbs against my ribcage when the thrum of chaotic music leaks through.

There are hours before the sun rises to force the Mearrin to dissipate back to their homes, and my eyes burn with exhaustion. I have to stay awake, even as Duna and Aster sleep fitfully on either side of me, their beds pressed firmly against mine in the tiny space of our shared room.

Mother is gone delivering a baby for the night, and I am the oldest at home, leaving me responsible for staying awake to watch and listen. I have to make sure no rogue Mearin enter while euphoric on iron water. There’s nothing I can do to defend us if they decide to break the door down or reach through a window to slice our throats with claws as long as our fingers.

JSB: I really like this page. It’s full of dark dread and mystery, and has a distinct voice. The opening disturbance is palpable. It begins world building and establishes a lead character we care about. One of my structural pillars is “the care package.”

The Care Package is a relationship the Lead has with someone else, in which he shows his concern, through word or deed, for that character’s well being. This humanizes the Lead and engenders sympathy in the reader, even if the Lead happens to be a louse.

In The Hunger Games, Katniss Everdeen is not just some lone rogue. She is the protector of and provider for her mother and sister, Prim. What she does in taking Prim’s place in the Games is the ultimate sacrifice of love. When she makes it, we are so much on her side that we will follow her anywhere, rooting for her all the way.

This page has that same feel. Thus, I have only a few suggestions.

RUE

RUE stands for “resist the urge to explain.” Exposition is often best delayed on first pages so we can get fully immersed in the story world by way of the characters. I would cut this paragraph:

Tonight we mentally prepare for the brutal reminder that the Mearrin rule the food chain. For some, preparation means sleep, and for others, like me, it means lying awake in the hours before the sun rises.

We don’t need this because what follows shows us what’s happening. The one item about the food chain can wait until later. Right now it’s most important to feel what the Lead is feeling and not let anything get in the way.

The Kicker

I suggest moving the line It’s the eve of Sacrifice Night to the end. That’d really make me want to turn the page!

Some Rearrangement

The opening paragraph jolted me a bit, as I pondered how darkness can stifle noise. Here is a suggested rearrangement of the opening lines for your consideration:

Our monsters are already circling in celebration, and we are trapped.

Shadows jump outside, blocking the light creeping through the gaps of my shuttered window. My breath catches and my heart throbs against my ribcage when the thrum of chaotic music leaks through. 

There are It’s hours before the sun rises to force the Mearrin to dissipate back to their homes, and my eyes burn with exhaustion.

Also this line confused me: Mother is gone delivering a baby for the night. The way that’s phrased grammatically can make it seem like Mother is delivering a baby FOR the night (in other words, turning the baby over to something dark or evil). Simply change it to: Mother is gone for the night, delivering a baby.

Typo

I have to make sure no rogue Mearin enter… (Should be Mearrin—two r’s.)

And that is all I’ve got. If I were browsing and read this page, I would definitely keep going. Well done, intrepid writer!

Over to you, TKZers.

More Thriller Words of Wisdom

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My wife and I recently watched Conclave, based on the Robert Harris novel of the same name, and were swept up in a very suspenseful political thriller set at the Vatican, during a conclave to choose a new pope. The riveting storyline and plot twists led to my diving into the KZB archives for another round of wisdom about thrillers.

We have Larry Brooks discussing the underpinnings of thrillers; Sue Coletta on causes of false eyewitness testimony, often a plot point in thrillers; Jordan Dane provides eight ways to write conspiracies, which are often plot fuel for thriller plots. As always, the full posts are date-linked from their respective excerpts.

  1. What is conceptual about my story?

Every novel has a premise, for better or worse. But every premise does not necessarily have something conceptual within it. They are separate essences, and both are essential.

The goal is to infuse your premise with a conceptual notion, a proposition or setting that fuels the premise and its narrative with compelling energy.

The hallmark of a concept is this: even before you add a premise (i.e., a hero and a plot), something about the setup makes one say, “Wow, now that sounds like a story I’d like to read!”

  1. Do I have an effective hook?

A good hook puts the concept into play early, posing a question so intriguing that the reader must stick around for an answer. It provides a glimpse of the darkness and urgency to come. It makes us feel, even before we’ve met a hero or comprehend the impending darkness in full.

  1. Do you fully understand the catalytic news, unexpected event or course change that launches the hero down the path of his/her core story quest?

Despite how a story is set up, there is always an inevitable something that shows up after the setup that shifts the story into a higher, more focused pace. In three-act structure this is the transition between Act 1 (setup) and Act II (response/confrontation), also known as the First Plot Point, which launches the dramatic spine of the story.

Once that point in the story is reached there is no turning back, either for the hero or the reader.

In any genre it is easily argued that this is the most important moment in a story, appearing at roughly the 20th to 25th percentile mark within the narrative.

  1. What are the stakes of your story?

Thrillers especially are almost entirely stakes-driven. If the hero succeeds then lives are saved and villains with dire agendas are thwarted. Good triumphs over evil and disaster. If the hero fails people die, countries crumble and evil wins.

The more dire the impending darkness, the higher the stakes.

  1. What is your reader rooting for, rather than simply observing?

In any good novel the hero needs something to do – a goal – which can be expressed as an outcome (stop the villain, save the world) and a game plan (what must be done to get to that outcome).

A novel is always about the game plan, the hero’s journey.  The outcome of the quest is context for the journey.

Great thrillers invest the reader in the path toward that outcome by infusing each and every step along the way with stakes, threat, danger and obstacles the hero must overcome.

It is the degree of reader empathy and gripping intrigue at any given moment in the story that explains a bestseller versus an also-ran.

Larry Brooks—June 15, 2015

Action Details

When we witness a crime, we absorb the information by the actions that happened during the commission of the crime. For example, a man pointed a gun at a woman, pushed her into his van, and sped away. The central information — what an eyewitness focuses on — and the peripheral information — what’s happening around said eyewitness — often becomes skewed with the surge of adrenaline.

Such findings suggest that when we witness a traumatic event, our attention is drawn to the central action at the expense of descriptive details. Yet, in other circumstances, such as non-violent events, our attention may be spread more evenly between the two.

Which brings us back to inattentional blindness. This phenomenon occurs when attention is drawn toward only one aspect of an eyewitness’ surroundings, resulting in lack of information. Which writers can use to our advantage.

Weapon Focus

The use of weapons complicate matters even more. When a gunman brandishes his firearm, an eyewitness tends to focus on the pistol rather than other details, such as the suspect’s hair and eye color, build and dress. Researchers have tested this theory, as well.

In the study, they showed participants videos of robberies — robbery involves a weapon and a victim; burglary does not— where one group witnessed the robber with a concealed pistol and other group witnessed the robber with the gun in plain sight. When researchers asked the concealed weapon group to identify the robber in a line-up, only 46% of participants could identify the suspect. From those who watched the video where the robber brandished the weapon, only 26% could identify him.

Schemas

In order for an eyewitness to be able to answer a question, they must be willing to respond. And it’s this willingness that can impair their memory of the events. Not everything we “see” or “experience” is stored in our minds. Our brains don’t work like computers where each bit is encoded. Rather, we make connections to other things in order to process information. If you’re interested in learning more, I’ve written about Subliminal Messages on my blog.

Episodic memories — memories involving an event — are organized in our minds as “event schemas.” This allows us to store knowledge, events, and activities by connecting to what we classify as “normal.” In other words, rather than remembering every time we dined at our favorite seafood joint, we tend to build a general impression of seafood restaurants … the smell, the atmosphere, and so on.

However, the use of schemas can distort memories. The perfect example of this is when someone asks me about my childhood, then asks my brother. From our answers one might think we grew up in different households. Many factors contribute to how we remember times and events. Such as, influence. When gaps exist in our memory we tend to incorporate new information in an attempt to fill in the blanks. Although useful in everyday life, this poses real problems for investigators, because this new information is often constructed after the crime took place, and leads to false testimony.

Sue Coletta—October 22, 2018

8 Key Ways to Writing Believable Conspiracies

1) Take advantage of paranoia. Mistrust and suspicion are keys to pulling off a believable conspiracy plot. Even if readers haven’t considered darker subversive motives at play during relatively routine activities, trigger their paranoia with your plot and a different way to look at it.

2) Write what you fear. If you fear it, chances are that readers will too. Convince them. Exploit common fears and highlight deeper ways that get readers thinking. In fiction, it works to grip readers in a personal way. The fears we all share—the things that wake us up in the middle of the night—can tap into a great plot.

3) Villainous motivation must feel real. You can be over the top but give your diabolical conspiracy a strong and plausible motivation. Don’t be vague. Drill down into your conspirators and justify their motives and existence from the foot soldiers on up the line.

4) Give your bad guys believable resources. Make it seem insurmountable to stop them. Think of the infrastructure it would take to plausibly pull off your thriller plot. Have them use believable technology, science and manpower to give them the appearance of Goliath when it comes to your hero/heroine fighting their diabolical acts.

5) Know organizations and your governmental jurisdictions to give your plot teeth. How do they operate in secret? Give them a plausible connection to organizations the reader may know about. Draw from organizations or systems readers will understand. If you’re too vague, readers will dismiss your plot as unlikely and a shadowy plot with no substance.

6) Make the risks personal for your hero and heroine. High stakes are important, but force your main character(s) to dig deep to fight through their fears and insurmountable odds. This is what will keep readers rooting for your characters. Make them worthy of their star role. A global phenomenon can put readers on edge, but bring the impact down to the personal stakes of real human beings for maximum impact.

7) Ripped from the headlines stories can add layers of credibility. The best fictional thrillers come from events or news that readers are familiar with.

a.) Re-imagine a well known historical event. Add your best twist to a conspiracy makes your work more interesting and forces readers to think.

b.) Or dig into a headline story for facts that are not readily known. Often that story will be deeper than most readers are aware of, especially if there are personal human stories within the big headline.

Jordan Dane—April 18, 2019

***

  1. How do you come up with what is conceptual about your own story? How do you decide on the stakes?
  2. What do you think of Sue’s action details, weapon focus, and schemas? Does the idea of a schema give you an idea for a thriller?
  3. What do you think of Jordan’s eight ways for generating conspiracies? Do you have a ninth?
  4. If you write thrillers, what’s one piece of advice you can share about writing them?

The Diary of a CEO

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Steven Bartlett is an interesting young guy, He’s a self-made, multi-millionaire entrepreneur and host of a highly popular podcast called The Diary of a CEO. Recently, he released a book with the same title, subtitled The 33 Laws of Business and Life.

I just read Bartlett’s book, and I can say it’s no run-of-the-mill motivational, self-help spiel that promotes the law of attraction, manifestation, and unicorn-inflated fairy fluffs. This is an outlier look at what works and what doesn’t work. And there’s good stuff in here for writers.

Here’s the jacket copy:

Steven Bartlett has never been one to follow conventional rules. He’s achieved extraordinary success and emerged as one of the greatest marketing minds of our time by doing things differently. But there is a method to his maverick style.​

Between founding and running a global digital marketing agency, investing in over forty companies, creating a hit podcast, and launching a venture fund for minority businesses, Bartlett has learned valuable lessons about success and failure, discovering a set of principles that he uses to guide him on his journey from strength to strength.​

In The Diary of a CEO, he presents these thirty-three fundamental laws for the first time. Inspired by his own experience, rooted in psychology and behavioral science, and drawn from the conversations he’s had on his podcast with the world’s most successful entrepreneurs, entertainers, artists, writers, and athletes, these laws will ensure excellence and help you take real steps toward achieving your most daring goals.

From the power of ‘leaning into bizarre behavior’ to learning to ‘out-fail the competition’ to ‘never asking for consensus on creativity’ to ‘making pressure your privilege’ to understanding why ‘you must be an inconsistent leader,’ Bartlett provides counterintuitive and fresh insights to lead you on the path to success.

These laws will stand the test of time and will help anyone master their life and unleash their potential, no matter the field.

There’s a lot to digest in this work. A lot to ponder, and a lot to make you say, “That’s a different way to look at it.” But there’s one law (#27) that hit home for me as a writer.

It’s The Discipline Equation: Death, Time, and Discipline. This law teaches you how to be disciplined in anything you set your mind to through a simple “discipline equation”, and why discipline is the ultimate secret to being successful in any ambition we have. Like writing.

Discipline involves the strict allocation of time—the one resource we all have equally in a day, a month, a year. Bartlett uses an analogy called Time Betting where we’re issued poker chips of time blocks and can bet (gamble) upon the results of how we use them. He does this to make you realize how vitally important, precious, and valuable each chip—each minute and hour of your day—truly is.

Setting aside Bartlett’s figure that the average person spends 3.15 hours per day on their smartphone, he offers an intriguing formula for discipline:

Discipline = Value of Goal + Reward of Pursuit – Cost of Pursuit

Bartlett says that success is not complicated, it’s not magic, and it’s not mystery. Luck, chance, and fortune may give you a wonderful tailwind, but the rest will be a byproduct of how you choose to use your time. Most of it hinges on finding something that captivates us enough to persevere daily and use a goal that resonates profoundly enough to remain steadfast in our pursuit.

Success, especially writing success, is the embodiment of discipline—though it may not be easy, its core principles are beautifully simple.

Kill Zoners — Thoughts?

Gun Porn – Center Axis Relock

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By John Gilstrap

As most of you know by now, I am an unapologetic gun guy. I own a few, and I train with them regularly. I enjoy the process of taking them apart and cleaning them and then putting them back together again. The aroma of Hoppes cleaning solvent mixed with gun oil is perfume. I belong to a shooting club that’s populated by the nicest, down-to-earth folks you’d ever want to know. But it would be unwise to break into their homes or mess with their families.

Weaver Stance

As with any other bit of hardware, trends come and go. In the video above, from the SHOT Show, I am shooting a suppressed Glock 19, using a modified Weaver stance, with my body bladed to the target and my right foot behind my left. Think of it as a natural fighting stance. It’s the stance I was first taught a thousand years ago, and it makes the most sense to me. Most fights don’t start with guns, they start with fists, and the Weaver stance mimics a boxer’s stance.

Isosceles Stance

Nowadays, the Weaver stance is considered outdated, and for the last eight years or so, every range instructor I’ve encountered has scolded me for using it. The new trend in shooters stances is the Isosceles stance. In this one, you square your body to the target, with arms completely outstretched. In your fiction, if you’ve got a rookie cop, this is the stance that they will acquire when they shoot, because in stressful situations, people revert back to their training. Among gun folk, there’s a raging debate over the relative wisdom of the two stances.

Personally, the Isosceles stance makes no sense to me. You present a bigger target and by extending your arms out so far, you make it easy for a bad guy to disarm in close quarters confrontations.

Everything changed when that jerk was foolish enough to kill John Wick’s dog, Daisy, and the world was introduced to an established, effective, but until that movie, a little known set of gun handling techniques called Center Axis Relock.

This technique embraces the fact that gunfights are often intimate affairs, conducted within bad breath distance. From the instant the pistol is drawn, it’s ready to join the fight. At the draw, your body is severely bladed toward the target, such that your elbow is pointing at the bad guy’s center of mass. In close quarters, your elbow acts as a front sight and allows you to get shots on close-in targets instantly.

When it’s time to deal with targets beyond, say, 7 yards, you bring the pistol up to the position shown in the picture by Keanu Reeves. This grip and stance is tough to master, and even in the picture, Keanu isn’t doing it quite right. The difficult elements are to keep your wrist straight in line with your forearm (Keanu’s great on that), but he needs to have the gun canted over further to aim only with his left eye–otherwise at that distance, he’ll see two front sights.

The downsides to this stance, I think, are pretty severe outside of a fight for your life–which a day at the range is not. The report of the gunshot will be much louder, you’ll be more susceptible to powder spray from the ejection port, and anytime you’re pulling triggers close to your body, you’re upping the likelihood of shooting yourself.

Your protagonist, however, has no fear of any such outcomes.

Comments and questions are welcome.

And now, by way of shameless self promotion . . .

Here’s the press release for BURNED BRIDGES, the first book of my new Irene Rivers thriller series.

The Edgar Nominee Covers:
Bold, Bright And On Trend

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By PJ Parrish

Good morning, crime dogs. I am probably somewhere over Lake Erie as you read this. Or maybe catching the bus from lovely Newark airport into Manhattan. It’s Edgar Awards time, and as banquet chair, I am going to be out of touch today through Thursday night.

So, as I usually do, I thought I give you a look at some of the nominees this year. I focus on cover design because — obviously! — I have not read all the books under consideration. I like following trends in book design and it’s important to talk about it here because many of you, being self-published, design your own covers or have a lot of input into whomever you chose to design your book.

Your cover design is one of the most important decisions you have to make. It’s your mini-billboard to get readers’ attention, whether in a thumbnail-size on Amazon, on an iPhone, or, if you’re lucky, on an actual book shelf somewhere.

A cover creates the first impression, and encourages readers to buy your story. That’s why it’s essential to invest in it. Please, please, I beg of you, don’t hand this important task over to your nephew Jerome who just aced his sophomore art class. Hire a pro.

Two quick things to always keep in mind: Pay close attention to genre standards to signal to potential readers that your book is what they seek. If you’re writing dark, hardboiled stuff, you need all your cover elements — color, fonts, graphics — to convey the MOOD of your book. And if you’re writing in the grand tradition of Mary Higgins Clark, you’re going to want to go for something less gruesome or gritty. Something like this year’s nominees for the MHC Award:

Second, pay attention to what’s hot in the market these days. Yeah, there’s room for you to be yourself, but it doesn’t hurt to know what’s catching the eye these days.

That said, predicting what will be effective is not easy. Last year, the trend was toward bold typography (mainly sans-serif), nostalgic revival, and very abstract graphics. I see this in many of the Edgar covers this year and experts predict this will continue.

In cozies and juvenile mysteries, large serif or cursive sans serif fonts depicted in bright hues are popular. In fantasy and thrillers, animated GIF covers are hot — images like drifting clouds or flickering flames.

Eye-popping color is a big thing across every genre. As one designer put it:

The era of muted tones and grayscale snooze-fests is officially over. Bright, bold colors are everywhere, and it all started with contemporary romance covers that looked like they were designed in a candy shop. But now, these vibrant palettes are invading every genre—fantasy, thrillers, even horror (the horror!).

That gritty crime novel? It might have a shocking pink accent. Your post-apocalyptic sci-fi epic? Say hello to vivid oranges and electric blues. Why? Because readers want their bookshelves (and eReaders) to feel like an art gallery—not a funeral procession. And let’s be honest, a pop of color is way more inviting than 50 shades of beige.

Other mini-trends: BIG TYPE that takes up the whole cover space, like this:

I Will Find You by Harlan Coben (2023, Hardcover) - Picture 1 of 3

Collages are big right now. Oddly enough in young adult — botanicals! Also, stock photography is yesterday’s news; the fresh look is illustrations.

Now let’s look at some of the Edgar covers to see if what I just said holds water.

BIG BOLD SPACE-HOGGING TYPE

ILLUSTRATIONS INSTEAD OF PHOTOS

COLLAGES!

BOLD TYPOGRAPHY

AND A FEW COVERS I JUST LIKE

I find this nominee for Best First Novel just haunting. No screaming colors, almost black and white. (only trendy thing is sans serif font). Yet the cloud image around the woman’s profile amplifies the title and makes me want to read the story.

Another winner, I think. This Best Young Adult nominee could have done the usual stock photo of an amorous Asian couple in a clinch. But the illustration conveys a modern mood (look at their expressions — is that love or hate?) with a nod to traditional Asian art.  Did you notice the half-hidden crane?

An interesting example of illustration rather than photograph. Not sure this one works, however, because the creamy background and water-color illustration might read too vague on anything other than a large format.

I’m conflicted on this Best Novel nominee. The setting is right there in the title but the combo of the green type and the murky street scene reads a bit muddy. BUT…then you see that one lighted window at the top of the building. Not bad.

Well, that’s all I have room for this year. If you’d like to see all the nominees and their covers, click here. Congratulations to all the Edgar nominees. This year marks Mystery Writers of America’s 80th anniversary. By the way, the 80th anniversary is designated as OAK. Which isn’t very interesting. Unless you’re thinking in terms of coffins or maybe Poe’s Cask of Amontillado.