by James Scott Bell
@jamesscottbell
Here we are with another first-page for critique. You know the drill. See you on the other side.
CHAPTER ONE
Kendari
It’s dark outside. It’s the type of darkness that stifles noise to save us from the monsters that hunt in the night. But our monsters are already circling in celebration, and we are trapped.
Tonight we mentally prepare for the brutal reminder that the Mearrin rule the food chain. For some, preparation means sleep, and for others, like me, it means lying awake in the hours before the sun rises.
It’s the eve of Sacrifice Night.
Shadows jump outside, blocking the light creeping through the gaps of my shuttered window. My breath catches and my heart throbs against my ribcage when the thrum of chaotic music leaks through.
There are hours before the sun rises to force the Mearrin to dissipate back to their homes, and my eyes burn with exhaustion. I have to stay awake, even as Duna and Aster sleep fitfully on either side of me, their beds pressed firmly against mine in the tiny space of our shared room.
Mother is gone delivering a baby for the night, and I am the oldest at home, leaving me responsible for staying awake to watch and listen. I have to make sure no rogue Mearin enter while euphoric on iron water. There’s nothing I can do to defend us if they decide to break the door down or reach through a window to slice our throats with claws as long as our fingers.
JSB: I really like this page. It’s full of dark dread and mystery, and has a distinct voice. The opening disturbance is palpable. It begins world building and establishes a lead character we care about. One of my structural pillars is “the care package.”
The Care Package is a relationship the Lead has with someone else, in which he shows his concern, through word or deed, for that character’s well being. This humanizes the Lead and engenders sympathy in the reader, even if the Lead happens to be a louse.
In The Hunger Games, Katniss Everdeen is not just some lone rogue. She is the protector of and provider for her mother and sister, Prim. What she does in taking Prim’s place in the Games is the ultimate sacrifice of love. When she makes it, we are so much on her side that we will follow her anywhere, rooting for her all the way.
This page has that same feel. Thus, I have only a few suggestions.
RUE
RUE stands for “resist the urge to explain.” Exposition is often best delayed on first pages so we can get fully immersed in the story world by way of the characters. I would cut this paragraph:
Tonight we mentally prepare for the brutal reminder that the Mearrin rule the food chain. For some, preparation means sleep, and for others, like me, it means lying awake in the hours before the sun rises.
We don’t need this because what follows shows us what’s happening. The one item about the food chain can wait until later. Right now it’s most important to feel what the Lead is feeling and not let anything get in the way.
The Kicker
I suggest moving the line It’s the eve of Sacrifice Night to the end. That’d really make me want to turn the page!
Some Rearrangement
The opening paragraph jolted me a bit, as I pondered how darkness can stifle noise. Here is a suggested rearrangement of the opening lines for your consideration:
Our monsters are already circling in celebration, and we are trapped.
Shadows jump outside, blocking the light creeping through the gaps of my shuttered window. My breath catches and my heart throbs against my ribcage when the thrum of chaotic music leaks through.
There are It’s hours before the sun rises to force the Mearrin to dissipate back to their homes, and my eyes burn with exhaustion.
Also this line confused me: Mother is gone delivering a baby for the night. The way that’s phrased grammatically can make it seem like Mother is delivering a baby FOR the night (in other words, turning the baby over to something dark or evil). Simply change it to: Mother is gone for the night, delivering a baby.
Typo
I have to make sure no rogue Mearin enter… (Should be Mearrin—two r’s.)
And that is all I’ve got. If I were browsing and read this page, I would definitely keep going. Well done, intrepid writer!
Over to you, TKZers.
Overall I liked the page but I admit I was tempted to stop reading because I couldn’t immediately connect with a character. Granted, I assume this is fantasy genre or something along that line and I’m not a reader of fantasy, but when I read a book, I want to make a connection as quickly as possible with the character.
For that reason, when reading this page a second time, I realized that for me, I think I would have been engaged more quickly if this paragraph appeared much earlier on the page:
“There are hours before the sun rises to force the Mearrin to dissipate back to their homes, and my eyes burn with exhaustion. I have to stay awake, even as Duna and Aster sleep fitfully on either side of me, their beds pressed firmly against mine in the tiny space of our shared room.”
This is the paragraph where I begin to connect emotionally.
Jim, great analysis of why this first page works so well.
Brave Author, you should be proud. You established a scary, sinister world, showed the story problem, conflict, and stakes, and introduced several characters, all with vivid sensory details. That’s a lot to pack into one page and you succeeded. Well done!
The following suggestion is only based on my personal taste: I like to connect with the character first before being introduced to the world. What if this were the opening paragraph?
“Mother is gone delivering a baby for the night, and I am the oldest at home, leaving me responsible for staying awake to watch and listen. I have to make sure no rogue Mearin enter while euphoric on iron water. There’s nothing I can do to defend us if they decide to break the door down or reach through a window to slice our throats with claws as long as our fingers.”
Followed by the paragraph: “There are hours before the sun rises…” showing Duna and Aster sleeping beside the narrator.
Then the description of what’s happening outside.
“It’s the eve of Sacrifice Night” is a dynamite last line for the page.
Great work and good luck!
Thank you, Brave Author, for your work. I agree with the others that this page creates a sense of dread that makes the reader want to read on.
I also think rearranging parts of the page would make it even more effective. My personal preference would be for you to drop the first two paragraphs and start the page with
“It’s the eve of Sacrifice Night.”
Then follow it up with the paragraphs about darkness, being the oldest and having to stay awake while the younger ones sleep, mother being gone to deliver a baby. Keep the sense of dread without explaining who the Mearrin are or what exactly is going on. That should keep the reader wondering.
I would wait til the end of the page to introduce the Mearrin and what they’re up to.
Normally not a fantasy reader, I might make an exception with this.
Good job, BA, and the suggestions by JSB are, as usual, on point.
One thing, a tiny thing, that caught my attention and would make me turn the page is I have to make sure no rogue Mearrin enter while euphoric on iron water.
I want to know what iron water is! 🙂
Happy Sunday!
Great job, Brave Author! I agree about being able to cut the first para — “darkness that stifles sound” made me wonder how that made sense, and I’m sure it’s only because of the line break but “monsters circling” made me mentally add “the drain.” The rest of this has plenty of atmosphere and dread, so this para isn’t necessary. But I would read on to find out what’s happening. Very nice work.
Excellent opening, Brave Author! I agree with Jim’s comments. You gave us an engaging opening that hooked me right away. As a long-time fantasy reader, I now have dramatic questions which help propel me forward–who are the Mearrin being the most immediate–I want to know more about these nocturnal monsters. I also want to know more about the world. I am confident that will come, in due time,:-)
This opening is firing on all cylinders, and Jim’s suggestions give it a little extra tuning, but otherwise, it’s terrific.
There’s plenty of tension here, and JSB, BK, Debbie, Deb, and the others have already given some excellent notes. I’ll just suggest that some of the prose may be a bit over the top. This paragraph contains several reader-stoppers:
Shadows jump outside, blocking the light creeping through the gaps of my shuttered window. My breath catches and my heart throbs against my ribcage when the thrum of chaotic music leaks through.
This can be tightened and clarified and still retain the eerie atmosphere. There are a dozen ways to do that. Here’s one way:
Through my shuttered window, I see shadows creeping and hear the thrum of eldritch music. I hold my breath and try to calm my throbbing heart.
I’ll push back here a bit, J. I think the expansive language is keeping with the tone. I love tight, but it’s not always right. 😁
Also…eldritch? I had to look that up. I think most readers would have to as well.
Timely. Wishing you luck and skill with your choices.
I’m in the middle of writing a scene for which I’ve accumulated mounds of possibilities.
I have to decide what gets FIRST attention: this is an early an critical scene, and I have many options.
Then what goes elsewhere – and which of the many other places it could go in.
And what was necessary only for me to develop and know – and would definitely be an info dump for anyone not a rabid true fan.
And then write the included and store that which goes elsewhere so I have it when the elsewhere scene comes up (at which point it may STILL be discarded).
And in the writing, the usual choice of short, long, or dramatized!
Such fun writing is. You’d almost never know how hard it is for me to make decisions.