For your consideration…we have a new First-Page submission from one of our writers. Thanks, dear writer, for taking part in our TKZ critiques. We all learn from this! My general comments will follow and then I will revert to red because this works best for me when I can treat it like I do the pages from my critique group pals (we use Track Changes.) — PJ Parrish

Caribbean nights

One block away from the ‘suggested’ tourist area and the town of Falmouth, Jamaica reverted to its true form. Decades old cars, competing with bikes and pedestrians filled the streets. Half naked children darted about. Old women hung out of windows from upstairs apartments. Rail thin girls with tight fitting shorts looked for the next patron in need of human companionship by the hour. Young men with hungry eyes and menacing faces clustered on corners. The sun burned bright in the Caribbean sky yet there was no joy to be found here. It was for no small reason tourists were reminded to stay with their group.

Jordan Noble walked down the broken pavement of the hilly street. His eyes constantly moving – ‘head on a swivel’. It was a poor neighborhood and he dressed as accordingly as he could. His Tag Heuer stayed in his stateroom. In its place, an eleven-year-old G-Shock. He wore a white ‘wife beater’ and dark green shorts. Nothing could be done about the Maui Jim sunglasses – if they attracted attention, he would just have to deal with it.

At a corner he stopped to orientate himself. One corner was a market of sorts. Opposite it, a bar, long boarded up and closed. Yes, this was the place. He turned at the bar and went down an alley. Immediately, in the shade of the buildings, the temperature dropped at least twenty degrees. He had just made it to the middle, when two young men appeared at the opposite end. One was shirtless, all lanky and wiry. His companion wore track pants and a Bob Marley T-shirt. Shirtless stepped into the alley. His eyes were wide – the whites completely surrounded the coal black pupils.

“Hey there, mon,” he said. “You looking lost.”

Jordan didn’t break stride. “I’m good. Thanks.”

Shirtless looked back to Bob Marley then to Jordan. “Hey, no problem, mon. No problem, mon. Still, sometime we lose our way, ya know. It happens, ya see.” Bob Marley walked a step or two to the right. Between him and Shirtless the exit was blocked. Jordan came to a stop and sized them up. If they had just jumped him, it may have been a fight. But now, their body language suggested no formal combat training or, for that matter, general good health. They were counting on their superior numbers to put the fight in their favor.

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Let’s start with some general reaction and comments. Things I like about this: There is no confusion about where we are in the world and who is the center of attention ie the assumed protag Jordan Noble. (given that name, how can we NOT think he’s the hero?). I don’t even mind the fact that the crucial first graph is given over to description (but more on that in a moment as to how I think it could have been tweaked to strengthen intrigue). The physical movements of the characters are clear and concise. I only mention all this because one of my pet peeves on our First Page submissions is plain old confusion over who, what, and where things are going. But this writer is moving through the narrative with efficiency, signaling that we are watching a guy we should assume is the hero en route to something bad. (he seems vaguely wary about something…more on that later).

Here is where I think things could have been better: First, this is sort of a cliche opening in thrillers — I ASSUME Noble, being noble, is some kind of good-guy operative (CIA, lone wolf, PI, James Bond) walking toward a situation. But I’ve read this opening a thousand times. How do you think an editor or agent is going to feel? There isn’t much fresh here — including the style, which feels a little dated — and that is a problem in today’s mystery/thriller marketplace. In the “old days” when you only had a handful of writers competing for shelf space and the hero-world wasn’t overpopulated, this might have worked. But not now. The stakes are so much higher. Your protag can’t be prosaic. You have to write something unique or write it uniquely.

Also, while there is a sense of something impending, it is very vague and isn’t very interesting. A guy (unarmed and with no defined mission) is walking through a maybe-dicey neighborhood and comes upon two men whom he sizes up as rag-tag. The only threat he apparently feels is losing his expensive watch because he decided to leave it back on a boat. The men don’t even really confront him. Except for a dilated pupil or two, they come across as harmless. They could be sizing him up to ask if he’s looking to buy some Ganja. He used a vape, but he doubt they had any vape carts to help him out.

Now let’s get specific. About the opening graph: At first, I didn’t mind that it opened with pure description. But the more I re-read it, I realized I was wrong. If you open with description, it has to be dazzling and somehow enhance the story’s tone. This first graph is too Frommer’s travel guide and generic. (naked kids, old cars, prostitutes). I don’t feel this, or smell it, or even really see it. Worn phrases like “men with hungry eyes and menacing faces” are not yours to use; others got first decades ago. (see pulp detective mags from the ’40s).

Now let’s look closely at the opening:

One block away from the ‘suggested’ tourist area and the town of Falmouth, Jamaica reverted to its true form. (Not sure what this all means. Falmouth is a nice tourist town with cruise ships etc. So do you mean if you step one block outside the city limit? And what does “true form” mean? Slums?) Decades-old cars, competing with bikes and pedestrians filled the streets. Half naked children darted about. Be specific and use all the senses when you describe. How about something like: A rusty Buick Rendezvous crawled through the maze of brown kids on bikes and thin women balancing baskets on their heads. Above, old women perched like crows on the railings watching the painted girls in tight shorts prey on white men in Bermudas and ball caps. That’s not great but it’s specific. Old women hung out of windows from upstairs apartments. Rail thin girls with tight fitting shorts looked for the next patron in need of human companionship by the hour. Young men with hungry eyes and menacing faces clustered on corners. I would lose this because you say it with real action coming up. The sun burned bright in the Caribbean sky yet there was no joy to be found here.It was for no small reason tourists were reminded to stay with their group. That last line: You already said this and it’s sort of stating the obvious. Don’t TELL us SHOW us.

Now let’s look at your second to the last line above, because I think it’s a lost opportunity. The sun burned bright in the Caribbean sky yet there was no joy to be found here. First off, it’s a good technique to end your opening graph with a great kicker. The writer ALMOST had it! The writer was working toward a metaphor that although everything is sunny and bright, darkness is just around the corner. But this is, again, a little cliched. And I don’t think “joy” is the right word here at all. If you are going to go for the “weather-sun” metaphor, the light-vs-dark metaphor, you better make it sing. And yes, the sun IS different in the tropics — it comes at you harsh and more direct the closer you go to the equator, quite unlike the sun in say, Paris, which makes everything pinkish and pearly. In Jamaica, there is no room for soft shadows.

The sun burned white-hot in this place, so fierce and direct overhead that the shadows were cut deeper and darker, with no room in between to hide.

That’s the best I could come up with on short notice but you see my point? Make the metaphor (or weather if you use it) STAND for something. Maybe the hard light in the tropics stands for the mission of this white-hat hero? Or does it stand for the black-and-white morality of a Sam Spade anti-hero? It’s not just weather…

I would suggest you re-order your opening two graphs. Maybe give us one really great zinger line about the light-vs-dark. Then go right to “Jordan Noble walked out of the sun and into the shadows of whatever street…” Then give us a juicy graph of what HE is seeing (and smelling?) as he walks. Or start right out with his name: Jordan Noble walked out of the sun into the shadows. This way you are shifting the point of view from you the writer (mediocre telling) to him the hero (great showing. yay!). And this is important — put us in his head, not yours, and show us this neighborhood from HIS consciousness. It would begin the process of the reader bonding with him. By introducing him by name and THEN going into a description of this scene from his perspective, you are accomplishing two things at once: establishing your setting and letting the reader get to know your hero. Where, for instance, does he live or work before this? Is he a man of experience and world-travel? Is this is first trip to the tropics after living in Montreal all his life? The only thing you tell us about his man is that he apparently has expensive taste. That’s not enough. We don’t need his life resume here, but don’t miss small chances to weave in tidbits of backstory about your characters. Noble would see this scene in Jamaica and thus describe it for the reader through THAT prism of experience.

Let’s move on down these mean streets…

Jordan Noble good! We get his name. walked down the broken pavement of the hilly street. What street? C’mon, you can find one on Google Streetview!. His eyes constantly moving – ‘head on a swivel’. Why is this a fragment? And why in quotes? It was a poor neighborhood your description should SHOW me this; you shouldn’t TELL me and he dressed as accordingly as he could. Not sure I know what you mean by this? That he tried to dress to blend in? His Tag Heuer stayed in his stateroom. I tripped over this and had to do a Google to figure this out. I thought at first you were talking about guns, then realized it is merely a watch! Must say I was a tad disappointed because I thought the guy was packing heat which at least made him more interesting. In its place, an eleven-year-old G-Shock. He wore a white ‘wife beater’ I find this off-putting. Can’t we just call it tank-top? and dark green shorts. Nothing could be done about the Maui Jim sunglasses I don’t get this: couldn’t he just have left them back on the boat with the watch? Now if you want to use it to say something about your hero, that’s cool…ie, he could ditch the watch but he wasn’t about to give up his Maui Jim sunglasses, even for this job – if they attracted attention, he would just have to deal with it.

At a corner he stopped to orientate himself. One corner was a market of sorts (sorts? what sort?). Opposite it, a bar, long boarded up and closed. Yes, this was the place. Okay, this is the FIRST HINT of intrigue. And it’s not enough. He could be looking for a hamburger given the nonchalance here. We have to turn up the heat a little here. Give me a reason to care about what is going on. Hint about the mission; why is he here? You don’t have to spill it all and you shouldn’t. But we have to be teased. He turned at the bar and went down an alley. Immediately, in the shade of the buildings, the temperature dropped at least twenty degree. There’s that sun/weather metaphor again but nothing is done with it. He had just made it to the middle, when two young men appeared at the opposite end. One was shirtless, all lanky and wiry. His companion is he chubby by contrast since you mentioned the other’s stature? wore track pants and a Bob Marley T-shirt. Shirtless This is also something of a cliche in crime fiction, differentiating nameless characters via descriptive shorthand. stepped into the alley. His eyes were wide – the whites completely surrounded the coal black pupils. You have him moving on toward the men so he can’t possibly see the pupils yet.

“Hey there, mon,” he said. “You looking lost.”

Jordan didn’t break stride. “I’m good. Thanks.”

Shirtless looked back to Bob Marley then to Jordan. “Hey, no problem, mon. No problem, mon. Still, sometime we lose our way, ya know. It happens, ya see.” Need new graph here. Bob Marley walked a step or two to the right. Between him and Shirtless the exit was blocked. Jordan came to a stop and sized them up. how close is Noble now? Now is the the time for the line about the eyes and now they might be pin-balling nervously around. Plus you really need to make these dudes threatening. If they had just jumped him, it may have been a fight. But now, their body language suggested no formal combat training or, for that matter, general good health. They were counting on their superior numbers to put the fight in their favor.

Okay, back to my comments again:

Again, nothing is really happening here and I get no sense of danger from Shirtless and Marley. And you haven’t taken us at all into Jordan’s thoughts as to why he should be fearful. Maybe if we knew something about why Jordan is here and what is going to happen when he gets to “the place,” we might feel involved and interested. As I mentioned in the red comments, I thought he was at least carrying a gun but even that isn’t true. Why do I care about this man? He seems like just a tourist who has lost his way.

In conclusion: This isn’t a bad opening. It is clear and capable. But Jordan feels like a cardboard hero at this point because we get no sense of him as a man and no hint at what his mission is or what the stakes might become. As I said, in today’s market, this isn’t enough.

Suggestions:

• Rework that crucial opening graph so it’s less a travelogue and a give us a reason to read on. We need at least a hint of tension, intrigue or danger.
• Get more specific in your descriptions.
• Get inside Jordan’s head. We want to see this scene from his point of view, not yours.
• At least hint at what this guy is doing here and what the stakes are. Something has to happen. Something must be disturbed.

Thanks brave writer! I’ve been maybe a little hard on you not because this is bad but because it is good and shows some real promise. This is a good start…just needs some spice. Hope this is helpful.

by Larry Brooks

Some of you may have seen this before. If so, always worth another pass, because it’s a hoot.

If not… you’re in for a fresh hoot. This is The Hero’s Journey, as (this, I promise) you’ve never seen it presented before.

Two quick things: turn it up, listen to the “dialogue” in the film clips within. Pretty clever. And, notice the black and white portrait of Joseph Campell on the wall (he who basically invented “the hero’s journey).”

And despite all the hootiness, there’s some real meat here to learn about storytelling.  Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZxs_jGN7Pg

By John Gilstrap

Let’s talk research.

I’ve never been a proponent of the old adage, write what you know.  In fact, I think it’s kind of silly.  It’s the rare crime writer who has witnessed a crime, let alone investigated one.  I’ve been fortunate in my own life to be able to look back on some exciting times in the fire service, and in the hazmat business, but those are not the exciting times I write about.  While I’ve been shot at, I’ve never been a position to shoot back.  Basically, I am the three-time survivor of poor marksmanship.  There is a point in every book where at least one of my characters is scared shitless, and those are by far my most autobiographical passages.

Yet I’m pleased to report that I frequently get emails from readers who live the lives I write about telling me that I got it right.  Those letters are always thrilling—way more thrilling than the emails I get about the typo on page 237.

It’s all in the research.  So let’s talk about that.  How can writers learn what we need to know to make our characters smart enough to do the things they do in the stories we write?  It doesn’t have to be as difficult or complicated as some might have you believe.

Research Hack One: Cheat.

The easiest way to pull off the illusion of knowledge is to eliminate the need for reality.  For example, despite have lived pretty much my whole life in Fairfax and Prince William Counties in Virginia, I choose to play out my Northern Virginia police work in Braddock County, Virginia, which does not exist.  That way, I can develop whatever standard operating procedures best serve the story, eliminating a huge research burden.  I don’t need a tour of the jail, I don’t need to know which firearms they carry, what the command structure is, or how shifts are organized.  Do the cops carry their shotguns propped up vertically, or under the front of the seat?  I can make it however I want it to be.  Because the place where the story takes place does not exist, neither do the police agencies, so I can by definition never get any of those details wrong.

Research Hack Two:  Stick to the coast you know.

More times than not, it’s the smaller details of research that screw an author up, and even if you make up cities and counties, you’re going to have to root the reader somewhere in the world.  I’m very comfortable making up locations in the South because I’ve lived here for so many decades.  It’s always the tell of a West Coast writer when a character looks for a “freeway” and gets on “the 495.”  In Virginia, we look for a “highway” and get on “Route 50” or just “50.”  Heading north or south on the Beltway says little unless we know whether you’re on the Inner Loop or the Outer Loop.  For natives, the airports are “National” or “Dulles”.  Maybe DCA for frequent travelers.  Never “Reagan.”  At least not for true locals.  Oh, and we “go to” meetings or “attend” them.  We do not “take” them.

Places like New York and L.A. (and every other famous city, I suppose) have traditions and colloquialisms that can get you in trouble.  So, stay close to home if you can.

Research Hack Three: Think like Willie Sutton

When the gangster Willie Sutton was asked why he robbed banks, he replied, “Because that’s where the money is.”

So, where are the repositories for the information you want to know?  Let’s say you’re writing about a cop.  To be sure, there are great established resources available to you, such as a citizen’s police academy, but remember that there you’ll be getting the view of the agency that the public affairs office wants you to see.  A better choice, in my opinion, would be to attend a conference like Writers Police Academy, where you can get to know the far more interesting underbelly of police agencies.  Exchange business cards and you’ve got contacts.

Can’t afford the money or time to fly to a conference?  Try chatting up a cop.  The less formal the circumstance, the better.  In my experience, everyone—Ev. Ry. One.—likes to share stories about what they do.  Find out where cops gather for drinks after work and go there.  Just hang out and listen.  Actually, that’s a strategy for just about any specialty.  Want to write about quilting? Go where quilters go and then shut up and listen.

When I’m in DC, one of my favorite places to go for soft research is Union Station, the AMTRAK/Metro terminal that is maybe 500 yards from the Capitol Building.  There are restaurants there.  If you park yourself near a couple of Millennials in suits, there’s a 90% chance that they’re oh-so-self-important staffers to a member of Congress, and the inevitable one-upsmanship is fascinating.  The best eavesdropping spot near the White House is the very cozy bar of the Hay Adams Hotel, though given the proximity to the presidential palace, the gossip there tends to be less juicy.

One bit of advice for eavesdroppers: Don’t take notes.  For the ruse to work, you’ve got to seem disinterested.

Research Hack Four: Get a superfast Internet connection and use it.

I understand that professors are loathe to accept Wikipedia as a legitimate source, and when the time comes for me to submit a dissertation, I’ll keep that in mind.  Meanwhile, I’ll remain devoted to it as a bottomless source of really good information.  Never once have I been disappointed when seeking the finer points of weaponry, for example.  I don’t get into the depths of gun porn in my books, but when arming my good guys and bad guys, it’s good to know how much the weapon weighs, how many rounds it holds and what it looks like.  Want to see the same weapon in action?  I guarantee that YouTube has at least two videos of somebody shooting something with it.

Google Earth and its Street View feature are a godsend.  The closing sequence of Final Target includes a chase down the rural streets of Yucatan.  Thanks to Google Earth, I was able to travel the entire route with a three dimensional view, all without the burden of having to go to a place where I’d rather not be.

Research Hack Five: Know the difference between a research trail and a rabbit hole.

We’ve all been there, I’m sure.  You start out looking for the year when the Ford Ranger went out of production, and an hour later, you’ve chased links to a sweet video of singing penguins.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The secret to doing my kind of research is to abide by a certain self-imposed intellectual laziness. When I’m writing a scene and I come across a place where I realize there’s a hole in my knowledge, I drop out to the Interwebs, find out exactly what I need for that scene, and then back out.  Remember this: It’s not important that you know how to do all the things your characters do—or even to know everything they do.  Your job is simply to convince readers that the character knows enough to pull off the story they’re starring in.

Research Hack Six (and maybe it should be Number One): Respect your sources’ time.

As a weapons guy, I’m happy to help people choose a firearm for their characters, but it’s annoying when the discussion includes the difference between a pistol and a revolver.  That kind of basic information is available anywhere.  It is many times more fun to talk about important details with someone who has already done a reasonable amount of research.  Use your human resources for the esoteric details of verisimilitude, not for the 101 level of whatever you’re researching.

“Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre

By PJ Parrish

I apologize ahead of time for being crabby today. Had two encounters with unpublished writers this month. This is kind of like a Yeti sighting but in some ways more terrifying. Because you never know if they’re going to turn on you.

I like helping folks get their manuscripts and careers off the ground. Maybe it’s partly because I set out in life to be a teacher but way back in 1972 when I got out of college, I couldn’t find a job. But mostly, it’s because I was an unpublished author once, rejected by every publisher in New York (yes, every single one) before someone took a chance on me. (Thank you John Scognamiglio at Kensington books). I know the heartbreak. I know how hard and utterly confusing this all is. But I also know — learned this through a couple decades experience publishing books now — how important having the right attitude is. In fact, attitude might be more important than talent in this game. So when I meet an unpublished writer with a bad attitude, I have learned not to waste my time or breath trying to help. Well, actually, this isn’t true.  I still haven’t really learned my lesson because it’s hard to know what kind of attitude you’re dealing with until you get knee-deep in their weeds and, as Jean-Paul says above, you don’t always know what’s been done to a person and how that will manifest itself in their attitude.

Back to the two writers. I had known both of them for a while and had even worked in the newspaper business with one for years (Shoot, he had even been my boss briefly).  I offered ahead of time to read the first 30 pages of their works in progress and give them my feedback. One lived nearby so we met for coffee. The second had moved away up to Pennsylvania but I told him we could talk via emails. Here’s the thing: I pretty much knew before I read their manuscripts which one was going to get published and which one wasn’t.  See if you can:

Unpublished writer A:

Wrote eight books.
Tried writing both romance and mysteries.
Has had all eight books rejected by editors.
Just finished a ninth book.
Queried 12 agents and got one to take her on.
Agent-submitted ninth book was rejected by five New York editors who all said book had promise but was too slow and lacked suspense.
Is still working on Book 9 trying to fix pacing problems.
Is reading books on how to write suspense.
Attended Killer Nashville over summer.
Is thinking she should submit the book to small presses instead of the biggies just to get her foot in the door.
Is working on a new idea and outline about a female PI series just in case an editor wants a series instead of a standalone.

Unpublished Writer B:

Finished one book.
Bought an established author’s critique at a writers conference charity auction. Established writer sent back critique of the first 50 pages with suggestions to improve book.
Didn’t change a thing.
Sent queries to agents. Was very offended by the “lack of personal tone” of the rejections.
Got an eager Florida-based agent to take on him on.
Didn’t change title after agent suggested it wasn’t very marketable.
Book was rejected after multiple submissions.
Didn’t change a thing.
Is looking for a “more connected” agent.
Self-published the book and sent a copy to the established author asking for a blurb. Finally started a new story.
Didn’t like my suggestion that he hone his story down to a single POV and make his plot linear, cutting the confusing flashbacks. Said the book “needed multiple POVs because of the story’s complexity demanded it” and that his book was “not really genre fiction but more literary, like Mystic River.”
Thinks there is a cabal in New York publishing designed to keep authors who have self-published from participating in the traditional system.
Has lots of ideas…

I think you get the idea. Too bad unpub B never will. Yes, you can still write the book you want to and get it published. No, you don’t have to sell out. But you have to be smart.

Being smart means learning your craft and walking before you run. (I’m guessing Unpub B never read the five Pat Kenzie Angie Gennaro books Dennis Lehane published BEFORE Mystic River…even though Mystic River was one of the first manuscripts Lehane finished.).

It means listening to good advice when you are lucky enough to get it.

It means not taking every rejection personally. An agent or editor sends out a hundred SASEs a week and when they say no they aren’t rejecting you. They are rejecting your work. There is a difference.

It means writing maybe ten books before you get it right.

It means not automatically expecting the “big” writers to reach down and pull you up. If it happens, consider yourself blessed and give back when it’s your turn. But don’t whine if it doesn’t happen.

It means increasing your chances by making your work as marketable as you can without being false to the writer you are.

It means not not looking for short cuts.

It means not giving up.

It means having the right attitude.

{{{Sound of me taking in a big inhale and bigger exhale}}}}

Wow. I hope that didn’t sound mean. Thank you, dear friends, for listening to me vent.

_____________________________________________________

Postscript: As I was finishing this Sunday night, I got an email from Unpublished Writer A. She got a nice response back from a small press asking to see a full manuscript. I will keep you posted. I think she’d going to make it.