Critiqued by Elaine Viets
Congratulations to the anonymous author who sent in this first-page critique. Submitting your work for a critique is a brave but necessary step toward publication. My comments follow this first page:
A Change of Hate
Movement outside the translucent glass office door caught Madison’s eye. Intrigued by the orange patterns, she watched the flowing waves of color settle, almost motionless. The intense color altered the view through the smoked glass, catching the light from the hall, melding into shadows.
She slid her chair back from the desk and waited.
A slight, almost imperceptible knock, broke the silence. Who knocks on an office door? Madison thought. Watching as the rippling orange movement resumed and the door opened.
She had her answer.
Closing the door gently behind him, a saffron-robed Buddhist monk turned and smiled at the young woman.
The man moved to stand in front of the desk.
In her several years as a legal assistant, this was the first visit by a monk. They were not a common sight in a law office.
Clasping his hands together, he bowed. “Good morning.” His smile accentuated the many nooks and crannies of his face. “Please excuse this interruption. Is this where I might find Mr. Harrison Bennett?”
His quiet tone, hypnotic and calming.
Madison realized she was staring, held by the aura of the man.
“Good morning,” Madison said, regaining her composure. “This is Hawk’s, I mean Mr. Bennett’s office. Do you have an appointment?”
“Ah, of course. An appointment. No, I don’t, I’m afraid,” the man shook his head. “Please excuse me, Miss…?”
“King. Madison King. I am Mr. Bennett’s assistant.”
“I am pleased to meet you, Ms. King. I am sure Mr. Bennett is a busy man. I apologize for arriving unannounced. I find myself in a somewhat difficult situation. I was hoping Mr. Bennett could find the time to speak with me. I knew Mr. Bennett from, well, what seems like a lifetime ago. Perhaps if you told him Thich Quang Duc was here to see him, that might spark an interest. I can wait as long as it takes.” The man bowed again, then sat in one of the chairs, hands folded on his lap, waiting for an answer.
Reaching for the phone, she paged Hawk.
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The author has an intriguing setup – a mysterious stranger appears in a law office. This first page shows promise. I’d like to read the novel and find out who this monk is and why he wants to see Mr. Bennett. But the first page is a little too mysterious.
Who is Madison King? The legal assistant is nearly as shadowy as the figure of the monk. She’s described as “young,” but what does that mean? Is she 20, 25, 30? Some specifics could flesh out this woman, and there’s an opportunity in this sentence:
In her several years as a legal assistant, this was the first visit by a monk. They were not a common sight in a law office.
That could be changed to: In her five years as a legal assistant (or however old you want to make her).
What does Madison look like? Give us more details. And use her full name in the first line.
Where are we? Please don’t leave your readers strangers in a strange land. Once again, that sentence could easily give us some clues:
In her several years as a legal assistant, this was the first visit by a monk. They were not a common sight in a (insert city name here) law office.
Is the office used to offbeat clients? Or does this law office serve a more conventional clientele? And what kind of law does Mr. Bennett practice?
About that monk: This sentence says he’s older: His smile accentuated the many nooks and crannies of his face. His tone is “hypnotic and calming.” But give us more detail: Is he tall, short, fat, thin? Is his body bent with age, or is he lean and vigorous?
What time of year is it? What’s the weather? Is it cold outside? Is the radiator rattling? Is the air-conditioner thumping? We need all five senses.
The opening: Movement outside the translucent glass office door caught Madison’s eye. Intrigued by the orange patterns, she watched the flowing waves of color settle, almost motionless. The intense color altered the view through the smoked glass, catching the light from the hall, melding into shadows.
She slid her chair back from the desk and waited.
Think about cutting a little of that description of the colors through the smoked glass. It goes on a bit too long.
Let us know what Madison is feeling. She seems to be alone in an anteroom and someone odd is outside her door. Is she frightened? Does she have a buzzer she can press to alert Hawk that trouble might be approaching? Does she have a gun or pepper spray for protection? Is she trained in the military or has she taken defense classes and feels fearless? Believe me, I wouldn’t sit and wait for a weirdo to walk in the door. I’d have backup.
The office door: Madison is “intrigued” by the movement on the other side of the door. Does she use the office door to size up visitors? Do most visitors wear suits? A slight, almost imperceptible knock, broke the silence. Who knocks on an office door? Madison thought.
Lots of people, when the door is closed. You may want to drop that sentence.
Beware of too many sentence fragments: Watching as the rippling orange movement resumed and the door opened. His quiet tone, hypnotic and calming. A few give your writing variety. Too many are annoying.
You’re off to an interesting start, Anonymous Author. Build on it and you’ll have a first-rate novel. Thanks for letting us see your first-page critique.
Readers, what’s your opinion?
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This story lost me at the second sentence. As James Scott Bell correctly exhorts, a novel opener should be all about disturbance. This excerpt portends anything but. It signals a soporific inner journey with no oppositionality, intriguing or otherwise. I suspect this is one of those novels in which the real story begins about three chapters in — what we have here is throat-clearing.
I think that’s a bit harsh, Jim. I liked the set up and I believe with some work, this can be a good novel.
With some work, yes. The first few lines need to be much punchier. I like your suggestions in that regard. But my point remains — in 2016, there’s no room in a genre novel to tiptoe into an opening scene.
Depends on the genre novel. Sometimes those so-called “punchy” openings are cliches.
I wonder. Even most good traditionals and cozies start with a disturbance before establishing decor, humorous character tics, etc. But in any event, you’re right on here: The scene opens with the monk in front of her, not outside the door.
As Elaine mentioned, knowing the type of law practice would add a lot of interest. Why is a Buddhist monk visiting an office that specializes in, for instance, criminal defense, high-end finance, or even divorce? The strongest aspect here is the incongruity angle, where Madison could reflect on the gentle monk contrasted with the usual clients with DUI or drug charges, etc.
What if you opened with the monk already in the office, bowing before her desk? Both Madison and the reader want answers to the questions of what was the prior relationship with Hawk and why the monk now wants to reconnect.
The monk’s description was excellent. Not only do I see him, I feel the aura of gentleness and mystery. Maybe play up that contrast with a word or two about Hawk (Madison wondered how the polite monk knew the hard-driving, Type A Hawk).
With a little tweaking, this would definitely make me want to turn the page.
Both good suggestions, Debbie. We definitely need to know more about Hawk.
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I find this story intriguing as it is with some amount of editing. I agree with Elaine, I don’t think we always need to grab the reader by the…nose in the first two or three sentences.
I agree with everything Elaine says.
The only thing I would add is stating the character “watched, looked always feels like a missed op. I like the idea standing on its own, for instance,” Intrigued by the orange patterns, she watched the flowing waves of color settle, almost motionless. Perhaps, Patterns of orange flowed in waves of color, they seemed almost motionless. Or something like that.
I’m by no means an expert, but it puts the reader a little closer inside what’s happening, not so much just watching the watcher but actually feeling what the watcher is feeling and seeing as the watcher sees it.
A few words to describe the office would also help ground the scene and show a bit about the level of client who typically visited. For example: frayed carpet tiles and a worn walnut desk or gleaming tiles and a waist-high counter paneled in warm oak.
I like your change, Tilly. It gives the story more immediacy.
Another good point, Joyce. Thanks for making it.
I’m with the school of thought that the opening paragraph should raise a story question, and this opening wasn’t strong enough for me. Also the repetition of the verb ‘to catch’ put me off a bit (picky, I know, but readers or agents can often be even pickier.)
I would want to know a whole lot more about Madison as well as Hawk in the first 400 words than I do as the excerpt now stands. Is Madison the main character or is Hawk? If it’s Hawk, then I don’t see the reason for starting in Madison’s POV.
Who is the reader supposed to care about? If it’s Madison, why not see more of her reactions to this guy than we do? Why not bump up the emotion/conflict in her reactions? This could create opportunities to reveal her character and to make the reader care.
What’s her goal for this scene and how is the monk’s entrance an obstacle to her goal? That might create more conflict and reveal more of her character (and of her relationship with Hawk.. does she like him? does he annoy her? is she mad at him? is she in love with him?… these things can be shown, not told.)
About the actual writing: one of my pet peeves is too many “ing” sentences, i.e., sentences that start with ‘watching’, ‘closing’, ‘clasping,’ etc. When you read great writers, you see very few sentences with this type of sentence construction, i.e., there are other ways to vary the sentence structure.
Voice: not yet developed. If Madison is the main character, she needs a unique voice. Find her voice and you find the story.
Hope this helps.
Thanks, Sheryl. Madison’s voice should be more developed and I she takes what could be a potentially dangerous situation a little too casually.
Didn’t like ‘almost’ used early twice. Seem to be a lot of telling and a too distant POV. Good luck, author person!
This beginning interested me enough to read on to find out why the monk wanted to see Hawk, but if the payoff isn’t something unexpected or intriguing I probably wouldn’t continue as the voice doesn’t feel strong enough or unique.
I agree that it needs more description of the office. Is it in an expensive high-rise or a strip mall? Also what is Madison doing when the monk comes in? It could tell us a little more about what kind of person she is, whether the office is busy or not, or what kind of law office it is. Perhaps she doesn’t notice the monk come in until he’s standing right in front of her because she’s harried or running interference with one of Hawk’s clients on the phone, etc.
With a nickname like Hawk that isn’t an obvious shortening of a name, it gives the impression he might be ex-military or perhaps just shady. More information about him would help.
I was intrigued with the orange color through the translucent glass of the office door. That sentence got my attention. However, the story meandered rather than increased the tension and I found my interest waning. But I liked the story’s concept but would have preferred to have a bit of fear iby the assistant-who is out there? I wish the author good luck with this story.