Monthly Archives: May 2015

Religion in Mysteries

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While at Malice, I was on a panel about Religion in Mysteries. It’s a topic I really hadn’t thought about before. So how do mystery writers handle this subject? Fellow panelists were authors whose protagonists included a hospital chaplain (Mindy Quigley), a minister (Stephanie Jaye Evans), a rabbi (Ilene Schneider), and a Scotland Yard Detective (Anne Cleeland).

clergy  priest  rabbi

What made my series different was that my sleuth Marla is a hairdresser. As I told the crowd, women see their stylists a lot more often than their clergymen. They willingly confide in their hairdressers and overhear juicy conversations in the salon, whereas people confess to priests or to chaplains on their deathbeds. So while people approach the ministry to be absolved for their sins, Marla has to worm their secrets out of them. Thank goodness she’s a skilled conversationalist.

The moderator posed some interesting questions. If those other protags were not clergy, would it matter to the series? And if my heroine was more religious, how would that change things? Ask yourself this question about your main character. In Marla’s case, it would make a big difference. She’s not particularly religious but she has a basic belief in Judaism and follows the traditional holidays. As the series progresses, so does her romantic relationship with Detective Dalton Vail who isn’t Jewish. This probably wouldn’t happen if she were more devout. They enter into an interfaith marriage where they respect each other’s traditions and beliefs.

Here’s another question to pose to your characters: How does their view of religion color their view of the world? Marla’s outlook is more expansive. She encompasses other viewpoints with tolerance and understanding. A priest or rabbi’s attitude will be focused on their own kind, while a hospital chaplain has to minister to patients of all faiths.

What role does religion play in your books? Is it a central or peripheral part of your plot? Does religion influence your protagonists’ search for justice?

How important are your protagonists’ careers to the stories? Would the slant be different if they were police professionals or hairdressers or members of the clergy?

Do holidays play a role in your stories? I’ve had Passover, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and New Year’s in my series, if you count the book I just turned in. Holidays in my books are where friends and families gather and where their ties are strengthened. But you could easily have a contentious family gathering where tensions escalate instead.

seder table    seder wine

Perhaps this thematic content is something you haven’t considered before. But as a writer, your views of religion and sense of right from wrong color your perceptions. Do they influence your protagonist’s view as well?

Read my report on Malice 2015 here: Malice 2015

Contest Alert!
Enter May 7– 21 to win a signed copy of bestselling author Joanna Campbell Slan’s historical mystery, Death of a Dowager, and a $15 FANDANGO gift card to enjoy a movie this summer. Two runners-up will each win an ebook copy of Hair Raiser (Bad Hair Day Mystery #2). http://nancyjcohen.com/fun-stuff/contest/

Like a Virgin, Published
For the Very First Time

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“No passion in the world is equal to the passion to alter someone else’s draft.” — H.G. Wells

By PJ Parrish

After twelve books, writing hasn’t gotten any easier for me. And after twelve books, having a new one come out hasn’t lost its thrill.

I just sent in the final copy edits for the latest one. Okay, it’s number thirteen, but I’m not superstitious. I’m excited as hell. Maybe it’s because we took almost a year off for a rest before we started it. Maybe it’s because it’s not a Louis Kincaid series book or even our usual thriller/police procedural. It’s psychological suspense, dual protagonists, unreliable narrator, and a theme that’s haunted my subconscious for a long time – the damage done by living an inauthentic life.

FINAL COVER

Anyway, as my Brit friend Crazy Tim would say, I’m dead chuffed to announce that She’s Not There will be published September 8 (and, if you’ll excuse a bit of blatant self-pro-mo, is now available for pre-order). Our new publisher is Thomas & Mercer, and I’ve waited to talk about this because I wanted to finish the pre-pub process before I went public about our experience. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what to expect when we signed with the West Coast team. We’ve been only with Manhattan-centric houses before and though I have friends who raved about their T&M experiences, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Would the process be different? Would my book get noticed? And finally, would the editing be as good as I was used to?

The answers so far: Yes. Yes. Yes.  Well, let’s change that last one to “no” and I’ll explain later.

Yes, the process is different when you are published by one of giant Amazon’s imprints. (Which are separate from its self-publishing unit). I was treated really well by my former New York publishers and had some great success. But my experience with T&M has been surprising in its inclusiveness. Once they bought our book, there were long intensive conversations where they explained in detail their editing, promotion and publishing process. They have sought our advice via rather lengthy questionnaires and emails on how we thought our book should be marketed — who is our target audience, what our tone is, what themes and motifs are important, what colors and typefaces we thought conveyed our book’s mood, even what kind of voices we thought were suitable for audible books. They wanted to see images we had for cover ideas, and the final cover above is a refined and more dramatic take off on a jpeg we sent.  It was designed by David Drummond and we think it’s really brill, as Crazy Tim would say. (Click here to see David’s other work).

Yes, our book will get noticed. Although Amazon stresses eBook publishing, its print books are beautiful, and contrary to what I had heard, stores are not reluctant to carry T&M books. I’ve had three requests this week for launch party signings from independent stores. As for respect, well, in two years, T&M has had three Edgar nominees and six ITW nominations (one win). And you know, I figured any house that could snag Ed McBain’s back list has something going for it.

Now to that last one. No, the editing is not as good as I am used to. It’s better. Which is not to say the editors are necessarily better. I’ve been blessed to have some terrific editors, including John Scognamilio at Kensington and Mitch Ivers at Simon and Schuster. But at T&M the process is a bit different. We have two separate editors: the first is our acquisition editor, who bought our book and now oversees its journey through the house and out into the world; the second is our development editor, who oversaw the big-picture issues of the book (story, character development, theme) and did the first round of editing. We are really lucky to have landed with Alison Dasho, who was one of the powers behind Bleak House Books in Madison. Alison fulfills what I think is the number one criterion of a great editor: She gets us.

But then came the small army of copy editors. Four of them. All eagle-eyed and talented, but each with his or her own unique contribution. Faith pruned out our word repetitions and cliches, and suggested some character tweaking. Scott caught our writer tics, mistakes in our San Francisco references, and lazy word useage. Sharon snagged typos, flagged inconsistencies, and Nicole, as an ex-dancer herself, rightly questioned every reference we made to ballet. With each pass, the book emerged tighter, cleaner, sharper.

In the heat of creation, we writers make a lot of mistakes. Dumb stuff like changing a hero’s hair color in mid-book. Knee-jerk writer tic stuff like having more staring eyes than a Walter Keane painting. Show-off stuff like having someone order an expensive whiskey when in reality it’s so rare no bar stocks it. Lazy stuff like not bothering to do a Google Street View to find out that Gloucester Street in Brunswick, Ga., does not cross Mansfield. (My bads, all).

But today, as I sit here typing this, my mind is at rest. Because a bunch of talented folks have my back. Copy editors who respected my style when I fought to use “like” because I wrote in a deeply intimate POV and my characters would never use the uppity but correct “as if.”  Copy editors who actually asked me where I stand on serial commas. (They’re like gnats…okay until you can start feeling them bite). Copy editors who take the time to applaud in Track Changes when you do something cool.

Last week, I opened the Word file and found an error. My blood turned cold because it was an error about a clue, deadline was past and the book had started into the production pipeline. When I worked up the guts to tell Alison, she said, “Oh, don’t worry. We’ll fix it. We can go back and fix anything all year long.”

Once, everything was written in stone. Now, nothing is. In some ways, that’s progress, I’d say.

COPY EDITING TEST TIME!

Okay, now let’s see if you can match wits with my editors. Below are passages from She’s Not There. Each has an error or problem, which thanks to my editors won’t see print. Answers at end.

  1. “Look, Owen, I can’t talk now. I have to –-”
    “Is she okay?”
    “No, she’s not okay. She doesn’t even…” He was on the verge of crying. He couldn’t let Owen hear him balling like a girl. “Owen, I’ll call you when I know more.”
  2. There was an ornate gold broach in the shape of a peacock, the tail set with colored gemstones. And a second pin, a big gaudy red and green parrot. He picked them both up. They were not the kind of things a teenage girl would wear. They were old-lady pins.
  3. More memories moved in, unclear but powerful. Her mother’s light brown hair and sad hazel eyes. The sharp jut of her shoulder blades beneath a thin yellow dress as she hung white sheets on a clothesline. A single word came to Amelia as she thought of her mother . . . enduring. Enduring the starkness of a house where quarters were hoarded in Mason jars and small comforts were found in the shelves of the town library and the pews of the Methodist Church.
  4. “My grandson loves his Fig Newtons,” the old man said.
    The sudden sadness in the man’s voice made her turn back toward him.
    “It was all there was in the kitchen—Fig Newtons,” he said. “My granddaughter, she didn’t know how to take care of him right. He was alone and living on cookies and water when I got there.”
  5. The corner booth at the Seal Rock Restaurant offered him a clear view. He had checked out the neighborhood and the building’s exterior already. It overlooked a park that sloped down to the ocean and two popular tourist places, the Sutro Baths and the Cliff House.
  6. He turned onto Eddy Street. The Oasis Inn was a puke-yellow relic from the Sixties.
  7. Buchanan tore open the mailer. Inside was a red leather Day Planner and the Kindle. He opened the Day Planner to the week that Amelia disappeared.
  8. Her eyes locked on the younger woman, and she stiffened, a memory coming into focus. An argument somewhere, this woman yelling at her, something about Alex. Then the memory disappeared, and Amelia found herself staring at the young woman’s face, filled with an unexplainable contempt.
  9. A manic episode, Amelia thought sadly. Isn’t that what they called it? Wasn’t that what happened to bipolar people when their mood pendulumed too wide? That day on the roof and the screaming fit over the burnt cookies—they were the negatives to all the positives.
  10. Tobias nodded slowly and then his eyes slid toward the bar, looking for the server again. When he looked back, Buchanan got his first good look into the man’s eyes. They were the color of the Cumberland River on a cloudy day—a muddy blue-green but shot through with tiny red veins. The guy had been drinking.
  11. She took a step back from the counter at the sound of the voice. The big bald man was coming out from the back room, holding up the ring between two meaty fingers. A woman came out after him, a tiny leather-skinned thing with fizzed red hair, wearing jeans and a pink halter-top.
  12. The dog hadn’t been sick, she remembered. She had taken him in for a teeth cleaning and grooming and they had to keep him overnight. But where? What was the name of the place? She shut her eyes, trying to summon a name, but all she could see in her mind were elephants dancing in tutus. Like that old Walt Disney movie . . .Fantasia.

ANSWERS

  1. Balling like a girl. Maybe “bawling” might not raise eyebrows, you think?
  2. Old ladies wear brooches, not broaches. Unless she gets defensive about it and is afraid to bring up the subject. Or it she wears it sideways, which makes it a broached breach-brooch.
  3. This is a trick question but I included anyway to make a point. It’s nice that mom went to the Methodist Church, but ten chapters ago she was a Baptist.
  4. My grandson loves his Fig Newtons. the old guy says. But then he says the boy’s mother, his granddaughter, was unfit. Which makes the boy his great-grandson.
  5. I have sat in this same booth at the Seal Rock Restaurant in San Francisco more times than I can count. Too bad I didn’t look at the sign outside because it’s the Seal Rock Inn Restaurant.
  6. The Oasis Inn in San Francisco really exists. I haven’t stayed there, but I Street-Viewed it. Trouble is, I called it puke-yellow (and worse later). Lesson: The truth is no defense. If you talk smack about a place, change the name or prepare to get a lawyer.
  7. Day Planner? It’s actually called a Day Runner. And I even use one. Geez.
  8. “Amelia found herself staring at the young woman’s face, filled with an unexplainable contempt.”  Whose face is filled? You tell me, I’m just the writer…
  9. “Pendulumed”?  Get over yourself.  What’s the matter with “swung”?
  10. Let’s see, just for fun, how many times we can shoehorn “look” or “looking” into two sentences!
  11. Fizzed red head. Great image…but for the life of me, I don’t know of what. I meant to write frizzed.
  12. “She shut her eyes, trying to summon a name, but all she could see in her mind were elephants dancing in tutus. Like that old Walt Disney movie . . .Fantasia.”  One of my favorite childhood movies, Fantasia.  Problem is, those dancing animals were hippos. But like I told my editor, the book is about the unreliable nature of memory.  Maybe I was trying to make a subtle point? {{{{Long pause}}}} Nope. I just plain blew it.

I have a memory like…a dancing elephant. Thank God for editors with good eyes, kind souls and suspicious hearts. No serial comma, please.

 

Social Media Etiquette: 15 Dos and Don’ts for Authors

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by Anne R. Allen

Note from Jodie: I’m just heading home from presenting at Word on the Lake Writers’ Festival all weekend (2 workshops, panel, blue pencil sessions), so humorous author and award-winning blogger AAnne Allen_e-agenne R. Allen has graced us with her wit and wisdom today. Take it away, Anne!

Thanks, Jodie. It’s a pleasure to be a guest on TKZ.

“Authors behaving badly” tends to be a hot topic on booky forums and blogs these days. A lot of people blame the indie movement, but some of the worst social media behavior I’ve seen comes from traditionally published authors who are following the dictates of their marketing departments.

Unfortunately, a lot of marketers seem to have studied their craft at the “let’s cold-call random strangers just as they sit down to dinner” school of salesmanship.

As a general rule, I feel if someone has the social graces of a rabid squirrel, he’s probably not the guy to listen to on the subject of winning friends and influencing people—which is what social media is all about.

We need to keep in mind that social media isn’t about numbers, no matter how numbers-oriented your marketing department squirrels are. Social media is about making actual friends, not about mass-“friending” a horde of random strangers.

You’ll make a lot more real friends and sell a lot more books in the long run if you heed the following dos and don’ts.

1) DO remember Tweets are casual: Never tweet a query—not to an agent, reviewer, blogger or editor.

2) DON’T post advertising on anybody’s Facebook “wall.”  A person’s wall is how they present themselves to the world. When you plaster the cover of your book on their timeline you seriously mess with their brand.

Posting on somebody’s wall is like putting a sign in the front window of their house. Don’t do it without permission. This is true for pleas to sign petitions or donate to charities, no matter how worthy the cause.

3) DO use social media to interact with people, not to broadcast a never-ending stream of “buy my book” messages.

People whose Twitter stream is the identical promo tweet over and over look like robots with OCD. They will only get followed by other compulsive robots.

Twitter is a place to give congrats to a newly agented writer here or a contest winner there. It’s a wonderful vehicle for getting quick answers to questions. Or to commiserate when you’ve had a disappointment. Or if you’ve found a great book you love, tweet it.

Social Media is a party, not a telemarketing boiler room.

4) DON’T put somebody on an email list who didn’t sign up for it. ONLY send newsletters to people you have a personal connection with, or who have specifically asked to be on your list. Lifting email addresses from blog commenters without permission is considered especially heinous. Cue Law and Order music…

5) DO use Direct Messages sparingly. And never automate DMs. Private messages are for personal exchanges with people you have a legitimate connection with—not for advertising or begging for money. The fact somebody has followed or friended you back doesn’t give you license to send them advertising through a private message. This is especially true with “thank you for the follow” messages that come with a demand to “like” your author page, visit your blog and buy your products.

6) DON’T forget to check your @ messages on Twitter several times a day and respond to them. It only takes a moment, but those are people reaching out to you. Ignoring them will negate what you’re doing on Twitter in the first place.

 7) DO change the Facebook default “email” address to your actual email address. You are on social media to connect with people. Post a reliable way to connect—which that Facebook address isn’t.

8) DON’T forget to check your “Other” Folder on Facebook regularly. People who want to contact you for legitimate reasons may contact you through a Direct Message, but if they’re not on your “friend” list, the message goes into your “other” file.

A lot of FB users don’t even know it’s there.

If you’ve never heard of it, go to your home page and click on the message button on the left side of the toolbar (It’s the one in the middle, between friend requests and notifications.) They’re semi-invisible if you don’t have anything pending, so if it’s all blank up on the left side of that blue toolbar at the top of the page, move your mouse slightly to the right of the Facebook logo in white and click around.

Mostly your “Other” file will be full of spam and hilarious messages from guys with poor language skills who think Facebook is a dating site. But nestled in there you may find a note from a fan or a fellow author who wants to co-promote or is asking you to join a blog hop or something useful. So do check it once a week or so.

9)  DO post links to your website on all your social media sites. And have your contact info readily accessible on your site! Being paranoid on social media makes your presence pointless. Even if you’re on the lam, incarcerated, and/or in the Witness Protection Program, you need to be reachable if you want a career. Use a pen name and get a dedicated email address where you can be reached at that Starbucks in Belize. 

10) DON’T “tag” somebody unless they’re actually in the picture. This is an unpleasant way some writers try to get people to notice their book or Facebook page. They’ll post their book cover or some related photo (or worse, porn) and “tag” 50 random people so they’ll all get a notification.

But here’s the thing: a tag means a person is in the photo. Full stop. Yes, you may get a person’s attention with this—but not in a good way. Remember you’re trying to get people to like you, not wish for you to get run over by a truck.

11) DO Network with other writers in your genre. Joining up with other authors to share fans and marketing is one of the reasons you’re on social media. You’re not here to sell to other authors, but you are here to pool your resources.

12) DON’T thank people for a follow, especially on Twitter. It may seem like bad manners, but the truth is most people on Twitter and FB would prefer you DON’T thank them for a follow. That’s because those thank-yous have become 99% spam. If your inner great aunt won’t let you rest without sending a thank-you note for every follow, send it in an @ tweet.

If you actually want to show gratitude, retweet one of their tweets. Then maybe they’ll thank YOU and you can get a conversation going. 

13) DO talk about stuff other than your book. Yes, we’re all here because we want to sell books, but social media is not about direct sales. It’s about getting to know people who might help you make a sale sometime in the future. Consider it a Hollywood cocktail party. You don’t launch into your audition piece every time you’re introduced to a film executive. You schmooze. You tell them how great their last picture was. You find them a refill on the champagne. You get them to LIKE you. Then you might get asked to audition in an appropriate place.

14) DO Read the directions. If you’re invited to join a group, and you’re instructed to put links to your books only in certain threads, do so.  Anything else will be treated as spam and you could get kicked out of the group. And don’t dominate any site with your personal promos, even if it isn’t expressly forbidden in the rules. Taking more than your share of space is rude. People don’t like rude.

15) DON’T ever respond to a negative review or disrespect a reviewer online.

  • Not in the Amazon or Goodreads comments.
  • Not on your Facebook page
  • Not on their blog.
  • Or yours.

And especially don’t Tweet it.

If you get a nasty, unkind review, step away from the keyboard. Go find chocolate. And/or wine. Call your BFF. Cry. Throw things. Do NOT turn on your computer until you’re over it. Except maybe to see these scathing reviews of great authors. Getting a bad review means you’ve joined a pretty impressive club.

If you break this rule, you can face serious consequences. So many authors have behaved badly in the past that Amazon has sprouted a vigilante brigade that can do severe damage to your career if you get on their poop list.

In my forthcoming mystery novel, SO MUCH FOR BUCKINGHAM: The Camilla Randall Mysteries #5, an author breaks this rule and ends up being terrorized—online and off—with death and rape threats, destruction of her business, hacking her accounts, and other horrors.

This isn’t so farfetched. I know authors who have gone through this, for much smaller offenses than my heroine. There are some terrifying vigilantes in the book world who don’t just fight fire with fire. They fight a glow-stick with a nuclear bomb.

So ignore these rules at your peril, or you could be designated a “Badly Behaving Author” and become another of their victims.

What about you? Have you been making any of these faux pas? (I’m not going to claim I haven’t. We were all newbies once.) Do you have any funny “Other” folder encounters you want to share? Any do’s and don’ts of your own would you’d like to add? 

Anne R. Allen is an award-winning blogger and the author of eight comic novels Anne Allen_ARA roseincluding the bestselling Camilla Randall Mysteries, plus a collection of short fiction and poetry. She’s also co-author of How to be a Writer in the E-Age: a Self-Help Guide, with NYT bestseller Catherine Ryan Hyde.

Is Our Writing Culture In Mortal Danger? Part I

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Kant_fotoThe philosopher Immanuel Kant was sipping his morning coffee one day, reading the philosopher David Hume. That’s what philosophers used to do––drink coffee and read each other’s work.

At some point, Kant slammed his mug down with a great thunk, for what he was reading was an outright challenge to the whole enterprise of philosophy. Hume, the great skeptic, was saying, in effect, “Dudes, you can’t really know anything. Deal with it.”

Kant would later write that this provocation awakened him from his “dogmatic slumber.” He had to answer! So he went out and wrote one of the towering works of all Western philosophy, The Critique of Pure Reason.

I was thinking about good ol’ Immanuel the other morning as I quaffed my own warm brew. I’d traveled over to that great writing blog Writer Unboxed to read a post by my friend Porter Anderson. Porter is one of the more astute observers of the publishing scene.MwNaNqJY_400x400 You can and should check out his work here.

This day Porter pulled a Hume on me. Like the Scottish skeptic, Porter has doubts. They are somewhat evident in the title of his post: The Dreaded Training Debate: What If It Can’t Be Taught? By “it” Porter means the art and craft of writing fiction. Since I am one of those who believe it can be, he definitely had my attention.

There is a lot of material in Porter’s wide-ranging and expressive rant. He challenges the notion that it’s the best time on Earth to be a writer, suggests a definition of writing “success” that seems to me too restrictive, and intimates that “better books” and indeed our “writerly culture” itself may be doomed.

My coffee mug came down with a thunk. I was awakened from my own dogmatic slumber. I would have to reply! I left a comment, but deferred a fuller critique until now.

This is Part I.

I see the issues raised by Porter this way:

Issue 1 – The Toadstool Effect

Issue 2 – Is It The Best or Worst Time to Be a Writer?

Issue 3 – Is the Party Over?

Issue 4 – What Counts as Writing Success?

Issue 5 – Can Fiction Writing Be Taught?

It’s always good to begin a discussion like this with points of agreement, and that’s what Issue #1 provides. Porter writes:

“Like toadstools,” one seasoned observer called it in a note to me recently — this sudden proliferation of “author services,” especially the ones there to teach you, instruct you, train you. They’re everywhere, these kitchen-sink companies, and many of them seem to be peddling (or claiming they do) parts of the job we’re not even sure can be taught.

As he made clear to me in the comments, Porter is concerned about the onslaught of less than “adroit” training:

I do believe, however, that we have generated here an overheated “training wing” attached to this new everybody-into-the-pool stage in the industry’s development. I think the mushrooms are getting pretty thick on the ground and that many, many offerings are neither as adroit nor as potentially valuable as yours. Beyond the buyer-beware rule, always good, is an implication that I think overstates what many people believe they can learn to do on the receiving end of instruction.

Porter and I agree on this, though I don’t find the “toadstool effect” unique to writing. The digital age has unleashed a veritable planet of multiplying fungi, making promises about everything—business, sex, health, wealth, writing, acting, plumbing, fame, “dogs and cats, living together. Mass hyseria!”

The only antidote to this in a free market is the ancient and wise admonition, Caveat emptor. A writer-in-training simply must be about due diligence in these matters. How?

Look at samples of the work. Look for recommendations. Distinguish mushrooms from toadstools.

I note in this regard that none other than Mr. James Patterson is offering an online course on writing for $90. Were I a newbie I would reason thus: James Patterson has sold a few books. He seems to know how to tell a story. The course is 22 lectures. The price is quite reasonable. People who’ve taken the course seem to be pleased. If I’m going to invest in being a writer, this looks like a winner. Sign me up!

But what about some high-falutin offer by someone I’ve never heard of? I’d look at what’s being offered, the cost, and the background of teacher. From Porter in the comments:

So I’m saying that if someone is instructing other writers but has not had the experience of success AS a writer — if they’re teaching you fiction but their own fiction doesn’t sell — then I think, yes, that’s reason to stop, think, and carefully assess whether this is the person to study with.

Completely agree. Which, I quickly add, does not rule out taking a flyer on someone whose artistic output is limited. Some of the best teachers are like that. Michael Hauge in screenwriting. Lee Strasberg in acting. You just have to dig a little deeper to make an assessment. Look for what other students say about them. How have those students fared themselves?

As far as dollars go, you can spend a lot for a course, but relatively little for a book. I love books on writing. My shelves (and my Kindle) are filled with them, all highlighted. My philosophy has always been if I learn only one thing from a book, and it helps my writing, it’s worth it.

I can think of only two writing books out of the many hundreds I’ve read where I did not learn something. Exercising mercy, I shall not name those books.

A further note. There are toadstools that are extra toxic. Right now there is a class action lawsuit against one of these services. Such services will always be with us. The Alec Baldwin from Glengarry Glen Ross could have run one of these, believing as he did that people are “sitting out there waiting to give you their money! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it?”

Well, we’ve only covered Issue #1, and I’m happy to say a general agreement has been reached.

Next week, not so much.

So what is your view of “author services” out there? Good, bad, ugly? How can you tell the difference?

Bad Words

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By Elaine Viets

grem

Gremlins are loose in our writing,  wreaking – not reeking – havoc. How else can we explain the ridiculous mistakes popping up in novels and news reports. It has to be those evil little monsters.

I spotted these ten, but there are hordes of gremlins turning your carefully crafted novels and short stories into jokes.

GoldenNugget

(1) “State Superior Court Judge Donna Taylor ruled in favor of the Golden Nugget casino,” the news report said, “in its dispute with 14 gamblers who say it was not there fault the cards were not shuffled and should be allowed to keep their winnings.”

Not there fault? If you say so, Judge. But I know it was definitely their fault.gr flue

(2) “The business has benefited from a strong cough, cold and flue season,” Fortune magazine online said.

Eeee! The sneezing season is flu season. Flues are for chimneys.gr brakes

(3) “A slight tap of her breaks sent the car swerving into the oncoming lane of traffic.”

This glitch put the brakes on my concentration.gr cabana

(4) “She gasped as the camera panned an open-air cabana in an exotic local.”

I bet the local gasped, too. Having your open-air cabana panned has to hurt. The camera really panned the cabana in an exotic locale. Add that E and you have a whole different word.gr star

(5) “He was stuck in a 1950s time warp of gentile behavior.”

Another wayward E. This nice man’s behavior was gentle, not gentile. His religion was never mentioned.gr venus

(6) “There was something she couldn’t bare to look at.”

Me, either. I hope she kept her clothes on. The novelist’s publisher should have known this was something she couldn’t “bear to look at.”gr hail

(7) The hale was pelting down.

Hail, no, it wasn’t! Those pelting ice balls are hail.gr coffin

(8) “Everyone keeps referring to the internment of Richard III,” a woman wrote on a mystery list. “If they’re buryin’ him, it’s interment.”

Right you are, ma’am and thanks for defending the English King’s English. Richard III, the last York king, was found under a British parking lot, and reburied with the white roses that were the symbols of his royal house.gr pizza

(9) “A half-eaten pizza slice (crust in tact)”

I don’t care about tact in my pizzas. But intact crust – definitely.gr dexter

(10) Dexter is a blood spatter expert. This bloody word is a trap for unwary writers. Blood splatter marks you as a forensic amateur. Get the L out of there. It’s blood spatter.

 

There’s no such thing as a bad book

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By Joe Moore
@JoeMoore_writer

Ever heard a writer ask, “I don’t understand why my manuscript is being rejected while so many bad books are published?” Or, “I keep reading books that are nowhere near as good as mine. Yet they wind up getting published while mine don’t. I don’t get it!”

Sound familiar? Here’s my spin on the answer to this never-ending source of frustration: there’s no such thing as a bad book. The reason I feel that way is I believe that all books are considered good or even great by someone.

No publisher will intentionally release a “bad” book. Doing so would be a doomed business plan, especially in today’s shifting publishing landscape. Their goal is to find the best written manuscript, give it the most professional editing possible, promote it within budget limitations, and work closely with the author to raise the awareness of the book in the marketplace.

Here’s the problem: No publisher has a plan that is immune to failure. Not all books appeal to enough readers to make back the original investment. The dumpster is full of great books that did not make it into the hands of enough readers. And we have all come across books that we didn’t like or thought were “bad”. (To be honest, I couldn’t make it through the first 50 pages of a huge bestselling novel that won the Pulitzer Prize for fiction. Does that mean it was a “bad” book?)

Not liking a book is individual preference. Someone else may love it, which is usually the case. If a book is truly written poorly–spelling errors, typos, incorrect punctuation, etc.–that’s the failure of the line editor. If it contains erroneous information or blatant factual mistakes, that’s the failure of the copy editor. And if it’s built on weak or sloppy writing (massive plot holes, 2-dimensional characters, stilted dialog, pacing issues, redundancy, cliché, etc.), that’s the fault of the acquisition editor. In all cases, the book should not have been published.

I have never met an author who said, “Today I’m going to write a mediocre book.” I’ve never dealt with an agent who was seeking writers with minimal talent. There are no publishers out there willing to risk their money on a sure-fire loser. All books are considered great by someone. That’s why they were written, represented and published. Did enough readers agree? Better yet, did enough readers even get the chance to agree? And if they didn’t, where does the fault lie? Marketing? Distribution? Promotion? Bad luck?

But even if we write a great book, there’s no guarantee that it will ever be published, much less sell enough copies to earn back the advance (most books fall short of that task). Don’t get me wrong, we all have to write the best book we can. But there are more great books that fail than succeed.

How about you, Zoners? Ever read what was positioned as the next Great American Novel only to put it down unfinished? Ever read a book that you considered awful but it went on to set new sales records?

Five Inspired Gifts for Writers

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If you’ve ever struggled to find a perfect gift for a writer friend, Buzzfeed has come up with a list of 32 suggestions. I surfed the web and turned up five more interesting gift ideas for the writer in your life:

1. Aqua Notes

1aquanote

Every writer knows that some of the best ideas occur to us while we’re in the shower. Aqua Notes notepads contain waterproof sheets of paper– now you can scribble down those great ideas before they go down the drain.

 

 

 

 

2. Antique Book Leather Case for a Smart Phone

1iphonecaseThese distressed leather cases for smart phones make it look like you’re toting around a vintage book. You can even customize some of these cases with your own text.

 

 

 

 

3. Bamboo Bathtub Caddy

1bathrub A spa caddy lets you read in the tub while you’re drinking a glass of wine. What could be better?

4. Shakespeare Insult Generator

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My favorite. The Shakespeare Insult Generator suggests creative ways for telling off any “obscene rump-fed horn beast” who cuts you off in traffic. I had to buy one for myself.

 

 

 

 

 

5. Night Writer LED Pen

How many times have you wished you had one of these? These LED pens let you write in the dark without disturbing others.

Let us know if you have any more gift ideas to add to our list!

Movies of Books – The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

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In yesterday’s New York Times Book Review, the bookends column asked two writers to vote for their favorite movie adaptation of a book (see link here). The first was Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the psychedelic 1970s version with Gene Wilder, not the ultra creepy Tim Burton movie); the second was the Ralph Fiennes and Julianne Moore  version of The End of the Affair. While I’m on the fence about Willy Wonka, I agree that the  The End of the Affair movie actually enhanced the book for me (a rare thing indeed in a movie adaptation).

So I got to thinking of all the great and the not so great movie versions of books over the years and it’s obvious that it’s a precariously thing indeed turning a beloved book into a critically successful movie (let alone one that does well at the box office). Last night I finally watched 12 Years A Slave – but having not read the book on which it’s based I can’t really comment on how faithful or moving an adaptation it was. It was certainly a good, moving film – though one that certainly put a bit of a dampener on my pre Mother’s Day mood (but then so did the Colorado weather – snow in May is never a good thing!).

My vote for some of the best movie adaptations of books include: The Last of the Mohicans (though, to be fair, that book was a bit of a hard slog and Daniel Day Lewis was enough for me to give it my vote anyway!), The Age of Innocence (another Daniel Day Lewis movie), Atonement (I actually preferred the movie to the book, but that’s probably because I’m a Philistine!) and finally The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Sadly, as far as the Lord of the Rings movie series is concerned, I didn’t feel the same way at all about the movie adaptation of The Hobbit. I recently read the book aloud to my boys and it was depressing to realize, after about ten minutes into the first movie, that there was no way they could watch the movie version. Not only was it way too violent, but it had also killed off all the charm of the book with both silliness as well as gore (not to mention dragging the whole thing out for three movies!). There are, sadly, many, many movies on my ‘worst adaptation’ list. The Scarlett Letter (shudder!), The Time Traveller’s Wife (another shudder!), The DaVinci Code (ugh!), and Ender’s Game (fail!) to name just a few…

For my kids, another bomb in the book to movie department was The Golden Compass. Now even I admit, Philip Pullman’s Dark Materials Trilogy has some major philosophical hurdles to deal with as far as mass movie consumption is concerned. But still, this was such a major disappointment that even my boys (who did enjoy the books) could only shrug at the end of the movie. I’m just thankful we’d read the book first, otherwise I fear my boys would never have wanted to even open the first page after seeing the movie!

So what about you all? What is your favorite movie adaptation of a book? What, in your opinion, is one of the worst?

 

In Praise of Entertaining Fiction

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Burroughs“I have been writing for nineteen years and I have been successful probably because I have always realized that I knew nothing about writing, and have merely tried to tell an interesting story entertainingly.”

So wrote Edgar Rice Burroughs in an article for Writer’s Digest in 1930. The full text may be found here. I love the up-front honesty of the statement. It resonates with me because the first “real” book I read all the way through was Tarzan of the Apes. I still remember the feeling of being gripped by a story that wouldn’t let me go. When I finished, I knew I wanted to do the same thing someday.

I can even remember the precise moment I got pulled in so deep I put everything aside–playing outside, watching TV, riding my bike to the candy store–just so I could finish that book!

Allow me to share that moment with you.

Chapter One begins as a narrative frame, the voice telling us that he cannot vouch for the truthfulness of the tale, but what he is about to reveal is based upon the “yellow, mildewed pages of the diary of a man long dead.”

The man is John Clayton, Lord Greystoke. The text continues:

We know only that on a bright May morning in 1888, John, Lord Greystoke, and Lady Alice sailed from Dover on their way to Africa.

A month later they arrived at Freetown where they chartered a small sailing vessel, the Fuwalda, which was to bear them to their final destination.

And here John, Lord Greystoke, and Lady Alice, his wife, vanished from the eyes and from the knowledge of men.

I was hooked for sure. But the best was yet to come.

We are introduced to Black Michael, a mutineer, and I loved pirate stories as a boy. In Chapter Two, Black Michael takes over the ship and instead of killing the Claytons, as heTarzan_of_the_Apes_in_color was wont to do, he spares them because John Clayton had saved Black Michael’s life in Chapter One. Instead, the pirate sends Clayton and his pregnant wife to the jungle shore, where they will be on their own to survive!

But the best…not yet!

In Chapter Three the baby is born, a son, as John tries valiantly to make a safe home in the jungle for them, hoping against hope that a party from England will eventually find them.

Alas, it is not to be. Poor Alice dies. And the baby! The baby must still be nursed! The chapter ends with the last, sad journal entry of a man soon to be dead himself:

My little son is crying for nourishment—O Alice, Alice, what shall I do?

Great heavens! I was so into the story now. But there was more! I fell indelibly under the spell of Burroughs with the beginning of Chapter Four:

In the forest of the table-land a mile back from the ocean old Kerchak the Ape was on a rampage of rage among his people.

Wow!

The younger and lighter members of his tribe scampered to the higher branches of the great trees to escape his wrath; risking their lives upon branches that scarce supported their weight rather than face old Kerchak in one of his fits of uncontrolled anger.

The other males scattered in all directions, but not before the infuriated brute had felt the vertebra of one snap between his great, foaming jaws.

A luckless young female slipped from an insecure hold upon a high branch and came crashing to the ground almost at Kerchak’s feet.

With a wild scream he was upon her, tearing a great piece from her side with his mighty teeth, and striking her viciously upon her head and shoulders with a broken tree limb until her skull was crushed to a jelly.

And then he spied Kala, who, returning from a search for food with her young babe, was ignorant of the state of the mighty male’s temper until suddenly the shrill warnings of her fellows caused her to scamper madly for safety.

But Kerchak was close upon her, so close that he had almost grasped her ankle had she not made a furious leap far into space from one tree to another—a perilous chance which apes seldom if ever take, unless so closely pursued by danger that there is no alternative.

She made the leap successfully, but as she grasped the limb of the further tree the sudden jar loosened the hold of the tiny babe where it clung frantically to her neck, and she saw the little thing hurled, turning and twisting, to the ground thirty feet below.

With a low cry of dismay Kala rushed headlong to its side, thoughtless now of the danger from Kerchak; but when she gathered the wee, mangled form to her bosom life had left it.

Oh man! That was it! I was left hanging with a baby, all alone in the jungle, in the last chapter. Now I am completely into the story of…an ape! An ape who has lost her baby! And this villain named Kerchak. I wanted him to get his just desserts! I knew this poor ape Kala would find the Clayton baby and take him as her own. And that sooner or later, one or both of them would have to kill Kerchak in a duel to the death.

This was more than mere entertainment. This was magic. A story world unlike anything I’d ever seen, even when watching the Johnny Weissmuller Tarzan movies I loved so much.

Burroughs, no doubt, influenced generations of boys to become readers, authors, or perhaps flat-out adventurers. But when I mentioned the Burroughs quote at the top of this post to an online group of veteran writers, I was delighted by several women saying the John Carter and Tarzan books were favorites of theirs, too.

Which proves that great storytelling is great storytelling. That’s what we writers must aim for, every time we sit down and clack the keyboard. As Burroughs himself put it in that WD article:

“I have felt that it was a duty to those people who bought my books that I should give them the very best within me. I have no illusions as to the literary value of what I did give them, but I have the satisfaction of knowing that I gave them the best that my ability permitted.”

So what author carried you away like this when you were a kid?