First Page Critique: Timber Ridge

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Today we are critiquing the first page of a story called TIMBER RIDGE. After reading the page and my notes, please add your thoughts in the Comments.

Halloween, dead hand coming out from the soil

Timber Ridge

Digging a grave is thirsty work under the high summer sun, even when it’s your own.

“How about a break, we can both grab a drink? Five minutes, eh? I’m dying out here. Haha.”

Silence. It was my funeral, but he was being the glum one.

We picked this spot because the shade from the evergreens covered most of the rutted road shoulder, but over the course of the morning every worry from the past two days — every dead end, every lie, every person I couldn’t save — had hardened into a single, pure lust for water. The fact that I wasn’t likely to be thirsty for very long, or ever again, wasn’t any consolation. I couldn’t keep myself from wanting it.

Rice dropped his cigarette onto the dry pine needles that covered the road and smothered it with his boot heel, a good citizen. “There’s Coke back at the truck. In the cooler, on ice. A couple of beer bottles too.” Too much kindness hung off his high voice like an ill-fitting mask. “You know what you gotta do to get to it.”

Rice was not a bad guy, in fact I still thought of him as a friend. But he was a conscientious worker in a bad line of work. If this was the business for the day, he wouldn’t know how to neglect it. He’d feel bad about it later.

A Stellar’s jay sidled nervously across a low tree branch and screamed at us. We both looked vaguely past it, to the east.

The road was poorly maintained ahead, pitted and overgrown with thorny brush. Nature held court on both sides. Brambles were the only buffer before trees started jabbing into each other in a decades-long fight for position. The losers lay on the forest floor, damp and soft and rotten, where mushrooms and small bugs could use them. I looked down into the dirt and saw myself, blue-white and cold in the black topsoil, growing quickly soft next to them.

“Alright then.” I stepped out of hole and looked at him for a while. “Let’s go see about those beers. I’ll tell you what you need to know.”

I wouldn’t though, not for anything. I had one beer, maybe ten minutes, to make sure that Rice would be the one feeding the bugs and melting into the roots of the pine trees on Timber Ridge.

My comments:

There’s some good tension in the setup of this opening scene. I like the self-deprecating humor of the narrator’s thoughts as he’s forced to dig his own grave. I also like some of the imagery: the Stellar’s jay sidling nervously and screaming at the men, as if he knows what’s happening below; the fallen trees portrayed as losers in a battle, which foreshadows the coming battle between Rice and the narrator. I admire the way the writer uses these images to add layers of depth to the action in this scene.

On the other hand, the imagery didn’t work for me in the following sentence, “Too much kindness hung off his high voice like an ill-fitting mask.” I had to pause to make sense of everything that was going on in this sentence: the high voice with “too much” kindness, an ill-fitting, hanging mask.

Avoid confusing the reader 

On my first read-through, when Rice said (in reference to the drinks in the truck), “You know what you gotta do to get to it,” I thought he meant getting physically to the vehicle. This confused me until I reread the page and realized that Rice was demanding  information from his would-be victim.

My initial confusion made me question whether the narrator was actually in danger. This section should be revised for clarity.

Break up long sentences to enhance pacing and tension

While there’s nice tension in the scene, I think it could be strengthened by tweaking some of the longer sentences.

For example, instead of

“Rice dropped his cigarette onto the dry pine needles that covered the road and smothered it with his boot heel, a good citizen.”

Break it up as follows

“Rice dropped his cigarette onto the dry pine needles that covered the road and smothered it with his boot heel. A good citizen.”

Nits

This is a minor point, but the first sentence, “Digging a grave is thirsty work under the high summer sun, even when it’s your own” might be stronger written as “especially when it’s your own.”

Overall

Good tension, fresh imagery, an appealing narrator–overall, I found this first page to be a promising start. Thank you to the brave writer who submitted this page to us for review today!

TKZ’ers, do you have additional comments or notes for our writer today?

How to build a solid writer’s platform?

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By Joe Moore
@JoeMoore_writer

With the rapid growth of indie publishing, the responsibility of marketing and promotion falls even more on the shoulders of the author. One of the most important questions the indie author can ask is “Do I have a solid platform?” Writing a quality, professional manuscript properly edited and designed is a good start. But you also need to prepare a ready-made audience consisting of a fan base or at least a group of potential fans. And for new writers, this must be done BEFORE you publish your book. Even veteran, multi-book authors must have a solid, established platform. It should be part of your overall publishing business plan.

platform1What is a platform?

In a single word, your platform is your “brand”. Having a solid platform in the indie world is the foundation of selling more books.

How do you establish or build your platform? The quickest way is to start with the Internet. Here are a couple of methods to begin nailing your platform together.

Website. There was a time when a website was only for the rich and famous. Those days are long gone. A writer without a website is about as logical as a carpenter without a tool kit. The indie author’s website is the “first impression” a potential reader gets of your brand. It’s truly a no-brainer. Your website is your billboard, your advertisement, your calling card. And the potential for delivering a creative message is only limited to your imagination. Essential elements on your website must include: a method for contacting you; a method for purchasing your book(s); a method for the press to gain information (digital press kit); an incentive to linger or return such as a contest or free sample chapters; a method for you to track your website. Other considerations include continuity in your website colors and design that are in sync with your book covers or other branding elements, and a reasonable amount of interactivity such as a method of leaving comments or subscribing to newsletters and publication news, or RSS and other informational digital feeds.

Blogging. A blog is an online method of expressing your thoughts with a means for visitors to leave a comment or opinion. As a writer, your blog will probably be about your writing, your books, or some other connection to your craft and career. Some authors like to venture away from their books and discuss other topics such as politics, religion, economics, etc. A word of warning: You’ve worked hard to establish and build your “brand”. Don’t blow it by pissing off your readers. At some point they just might reject your next thriller or mystery because they don’t agree with your position on unrelated issues. A blog can easily turn into a slippery slope.

Newsletter. As previously mentioned, your website needs a method for your visitors and fans to subscribe to a newsletter or news bulletin. If they’re a fan, they want to know about you and your books. When is your next book coming out? When are you going to do a signing in their area? Will you be at a particular writer’s conference? They want the latest news. And the best and most economical way to get them what they want is an electronic newsletter. There are numerous email-generating newsletter sources that you can use to put together a value-filled publication. A few suggestions are Constant Contact, MailChimp, and Vertical Response.

Write some stuff. Any writing credit is a good writing credit, and it helps build your platform. No matter what you write, whether it’s for the local paper or a national magazine, you’re byline should contain a mention that you are a novelist. So if the reader likes your article or how-to piece, and they see you also write thrillers or mysteries, that’s a potential plank in your platform.

Book forums. There are a ton of forums out there dealing with readers and writers. A good resource to begin finding them is groups.yahoo.com/. Others include WritersNet, Backspace, and Absolute Write. Make yourself known on these and similar forums and you’ll be adding to your brand and platform.

Social Networks. Sites like LinkedIn.com, Facebook.com, Twitter.com, Goodreads, and countless others are perfect for building your brand. The only potential risk is the time you might spend on these sites instead of writing your book. But they are a terrific source of finding your dedicated or new fans. A word of caution: see the note on blogging above.

Additional platform-building tools include professional publicity photos of yourself and a strong press-ready biography. Also, memberships in writer organizations such as the International Thriller Writers or Mystery Writers of America help build your brand and platform among your colleagues and fans. The networking and connections made within these organizations and their subsequent writer conferences are invaluable.

Now it’s your turn, Zoners. What additional planks have you nailed into your writer’s platform?
rapsheet1———————————
Like your thrillers in French? No problem. THE BLADE and THE SHIELD have just been released in French.

Internet Fame Doesn’t Always Drive Book Sales

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shutterstock_175846916Have you ever wondered whether “going viral” with a video or Tweet would boost your book sales? Think again. The impact of sudden fame on a writing career can be fleeting as well as fickle.

Author Jami Attenberg recently wrote about her experience with instant  Internet fame. Attenberg, who has written around a half-dozen novels including a NYT-bestseller, became an overnight sensation when she set up a successful sting to recover a stolen bicycle. So how did all that media attention affect her book sales? Nada much, according to the writer. Attenberg’s “fame” faded quickly, and she eventually returned to the daily, unglamorous grind of writing.

It’s a different story with Zoella Sugg, a YouTube “vlogger” who built a large following with her online tutorials telling young women how to apply makeup, do their hair, and deal with personal issues. According to an article in The Guardian, sales of Sugg’s first book, Girl Online, made her the fastest-selling debut author on record. Her forward progress hit some bumpy air when it became known that Girl Online had been created in collaboration with a ghost writer. Happily for Sugg, her online fans didn’t seem to care about the news of a ghost writer, any more than they cared about her Tweet asking her fans to “Bare with me” as she took a hiatus from the Internet to uncloud her head.

There’s a scary side of Internet fame as well. You’re probably familiar with the story of how one ill-considered Tweet upended the life and career of a corporate communications executive. That story shows that when we take a false step on the Internet, we can quickly find ourselves swimming in uncharted waters. Such areas of risk on the Internet map should be marked with the cartographer’s ancient warning: “Here Be Dragons.”

Here’s my take on the benefits of Internet celebrity. If you become known for posting make-up tutorials, grumpy cat videos, or quitting a job in a dramatic fashion, you might be able to cash in on that celebrity with fans of make-up, grumpy cats, or dramatic exits. But if you’re an author who writes fiction for a living, don’t expect a passing burst of Internet attention to push your books. For that you need to focus on your writing, instead.

 

Finish or Languish?

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Following on from two great posts by my fellow Killzone blog mates: Joe Hartlaub (Saturday’s post – here) and James Bell (Sunday’s post – here) , it struck me that both raise an issue about a fundamental obstacle to many (if not most) writers – finishing the actual book. Joe regrets not doing anything with a great idea he had, while Jim discusses whether it’s the best or worst of times to be a writer – both raising the obvious point that the only way you can be in the game is to sit down and actually finish your project. I can’t count the number of people who have expressed how much they want to be a writer but cannot seem to actually finish writing a book – they have parts and bits in a drawer but nothing complete – either for further editing, submission or publication. I sympathize because this was me for many, many years.

I always wanted to be a writer, or at least I expressed that desire, but, apart from half written pieces, drafts and jottings, I somehow never managed to actually finish a project. This all changed when, though some weird serendipity/alignment of the stars, I quit my job in anticipation of starting a Ph.D and then discovered my brain was finally free to do what I had always wanted to do – write a novel. I was extremely lucky to have found an agent interested in my work at my first writer’s conference and this undoubtedly spurred me on to finish the project she and I discussed. (Who knows, if I hadn’t had this impetus, maybe Ursula’s first mystery would still be half-finished and languishing in a drawer…)

So what are the many impediments to actually sitting down and completing a manuscript? There’s the time factor obviously – but this is an excuse which wears thin as even established novelists have to carve out time from their lives (a task which is never easy) and most have balanced other careers, families and other commitments in order to complete the task ahead. For me, I think the impediment was always internal, rather than external. I lacked the confidence to complete a novel, and I spent more time self-censoring myself in some elusive quest to be ‘literary’ enough (a standard I set that could never be attained). Even today I still question my ability to complete the task, but I am fortunate enough to have the motivation and the support of family, fellow writers, editors and my agent to continue to write. Now I suspect it’s a mixture of stubbornness, accountability and ambition that keeps me writing – but that doesn’t mean it gets any easier to complete the task!

So what about you, fellow TKZers, what are your obstacles (both internal and external) to completing your writing projects? How do you face the challenge of finishing the work rather than letting it languish either in your mind or at the back of a drawer?

 

Is Our Writing Culture In Mortal Danger? Part II

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firefighter-593728_1280Last week I began a discussion sparked by a provocative post by Mr. Porter Anderson at Writer Unboxed. The first part of my response is here. We had a robust debate in the comments, but I’ll try to summarize the first issue I’ve addressed, which is the plethora of teaching and “author services” appearing, in Porter’s words, like “toadstools” all over the internet. My view, in agreement with Porter, is that many of these are not worth the money and some are downright scams.

Porter would like me, and other “legitimate” teachers (I thank him for carving out an exception for me and colleagues like Donald Maass and David Corbett) to cry foul and go after charlatans publicly. But that is not my job or responsibility. Others have taken that on. My solution is the old but still valid rule: Let the buyer beware.

And yes, that is enough. I’m not a nanny.

Now, on to Issue #2: Is it the best or worst time to be a writer?

Here we come to a piece quoted by Porter, written by an anonymous literary agent in the UK. Calling him/her self “Agent Orange,” he/she wrote a post for The Bookseller which opens:

On the face of it, it is paradoxical that while it’s never been easier for authors to get their books into print, there has never been a worse time to be an author. Author earnings are down and the number of writers able to make a living out of their work is at an all-time low.

While this was mainly a jumping off point for Orange to complain about writing courses and teachers, I can’t let this sentiment go unchallenged.

I’ve been expressing exactly the opposite view since 2009. I give my reasons here. To save time, I’ll just refer you to that post, which I stand by. Further, both Porter and I have cited the amazing work being done by Hugh Howey and Data Guy and their quarterly Author Earnings reports.

Bottom line: in terms of making actual money, and even an actual living from writing fiction, it is beyond all question, doubt, cavil, or dispute that this is the best time on Earth to be a writer.

As the old political rejoinder goes, you are entitled to your own opinion, but you are not entitled to your own facts.

Now, to be fair to Agent Orange, I do think there’s a bit of context we have to understand. I haven’t spent a lot of time studying this out, but there seems to be a more entrenched traditional book publishing culture in the UK, and it is those authors who are seeing their incomes go down significantly. It’s happening here in the U.S., too, of course. But across the pond there’s a greater concern over the survival of the “writer as artist” ideal.

To which I respond: This is nothing new. It’s always been difficult for any artist to cobble a living from their art. And by art I mean singular vision as opposed to commercial production.

How many artists in history have ever been able to support themselves by doing, for want of a better phrase, “their own thing”? How many Jackson Pollock wannabes have tried to out Jackson Jackson, only to be completely and utterly ignored? (And there are those who think the original Jackson should have been ignored, but that’s another discussion entirely.)

How many structure-hating novelists have poured their souls onto the page, only to be rejected fully and finally? Or, if managing to get a small press to take a flyer, seen ten book sales and no publicity, not even from their local paper?

If you want to pursue the life of a solitary genius, that’s never been a road to riches. If you expect to be treated with a velvet backscratcher, and have the literary elite fete and fawn over you, then yes, times are not great. But they have never been great for this kind of artist.

I believe this is the “writerly culture” that Agent Orange sees as doomed.

But consider: writers who love to tell stories, who entertain, who work at their craft, who are productive, who keep striving to get better, who don’t see plot as a four-letter word (irony intended)—these writers now have a better chance to realize a return on their work than at any time in the history of storytelling. From Og the cave dweller, who told the first story (you know, the one about killing the mastodon) to Geoffrey Chaucer and Jonathan Swift and James Fenimore Cooper and Mark Twain and Edgar Rice Burroughs and Jack London and Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler and Dorothy Sayers and Erle Stanley Gardner and Herman Wouk and Nora Roberts and Stephen King and John Grisham and Michael Connelly and J. K. Rowling and James Patterson…

…to all of the new (or formerly midlist) writers who are now earning five, six and sometimes seven figures a year because of the disruption called digital self-publishing, I say without any qualm – and eschewing dew eyes, Kleenex, and exclamation points – that it is indeed the best time on Earth to be a writer.

Is there still room for the solitary, literary genius? Yes, and even more room than before. If the artist is not insistent on a traditional print run and New Yorker reviews, he or she has a good chance at finding readers via self-publishing. Or by partnering with a digital company that knows what it’s doing. (Unless your goal is to win the National Book Award. Then all I can say is, good luck to you, because that’s always been a matter of “writerly culture” roulette. Lightning may strike. But be prepared to have some stamina, and a day job. I refer you to Mark Z. Danielewski, whose 27 volume, 22,680 page experimental epic is only now leaving the starting gate.)landing-stage-sea-holiday-vacation

So to all writers I say, jump into the indie pool. Even if you’re trad published, establish some sort of indie footprint with short-form work. Talk to your agent and editor about a plan going forward.

And tell them the water’s fine. We’re even serving margaritas at poolside.

So which is it – the best of times or the worst of times to be a writer?

A Cautionary Wake-Up Tale

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constant fear

Hello, my friends. Today’s post is directed primarily at those of you who are prospective authors, and who have several different ideas for stories set forth in any number of different manuscripts in varied stage of completion. Those of you not so situated may still find what I have to say worthwhile, or, at the least, entertaining, so please, join us as well. I say to all: if you have a project of any sort uncompleted, for whatever reason: pick it up, resume work, and get it done. Nine words: so easy to hear, so quick to write, so hard to do. But please take the advice, so that you are not repeatedly kicking your own posterior down the road as I have been for the last few days.

I had an idea for a novel several years ago that was based in part on a troubled guy I know. I did not tell him the idea; I did not tell anyone else the idea, either, including my wife, children, or friends. I’ll be repeating that occasionally over the next couple of paragraphs, just so that it is entirely clear that I am blaming no one and nothing for my own lack of focus. I can tell you the idea now, however. The basic story involved a group of terrorists taking over a public elementary school and a school employee saving everyone. Die Hard in a classroom? No, but you could be forgiven for thinking so. There’s more to the story, of course, such as how the employee winds up working at the school to begin with, why he is doubly emotionally invested in saving the kids, and things like that. It’s got a great ending, too. But I had problems with certain elements of it, such as why the terrorists picked the particular school they did, and a number — well, quite a number — of other things. The project eventually went on the back burner where it simmered until all of the water went out of it and the bottom of the pot blackened. I would think about it for time to time, but never did anything more with it. And I never shared the idea. With anyone.

Fast forward to this past week. Many of you know that I review mystery and thriller novels for bookreporter.com. I received in that capacity a novel entitled CONSTANT FEAR by Daniel Palmer. If you don’t have Daniel on your must-read list, you should; he’s one of those guys who for years tried to get a publishing deal and when he did he was strong right out of the gate and has gotten better with every book. CONSTANT FEAR grabbed me right from the first page. I was reading right along and got about a tenth of the way into it when I realized that it was somewhat similar to my own neglected project, the one that I had not shared with anyone, including but not limited to Daniel. CONSTANT FEAR is set primarily in a school; a bunch of bad guys are holding a group of students hostage; and it’s up to a school employee to save them. There are more similarities, and some differences as well, but I’m not going to go into them as I don’t want to spoil the surprises you will encounter when you read CONSTANT FEAR. And  let me state unequivocally that Daniel did not get the idea for CONSTANT FEAR from me. He couldn’t have, because — let me state it again — I never told it to him or to anyone until now. I’ve met Daniel once or twice, briefly at this or that Thrillerfest, and we have several friends in common, but we’ve never discussed writing or anything serious. Nope. He thought CONSTANT FEAR up all by his lonesome, the same way I did with my unfinished manuscript. The difference is that he plugged away and finished his, and brought his concept to life. I didn’t. You can buy it next week, and if you like thrillers involving flawed underdogs who attempt to triumph against seemingly impossible odds for noble causes, or even if you don’t, it’s a worthwhile, propelling read and would, I think, make a great film as well.

The reason I’m kicking myself is that my idea was certainly marketable, as Daniel has demonstrated with the expression of his own idea. I just didn’t get over the high (but certainly not insurmountable hills) and get it out there. Daniel did. His good, my bad. Please don’t let it be yours. Open that file, the one with thirty-six or fifty-two pages and the great ending or the incredible beginning and the concept that no one has quite done yet, and get it finished. Don’t be satisfied with what might have been, as told in the voice of another.

First Page Critique: Prologue (Helston, England 1864)

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Jordan Dane
@JordanDane

 

iStock_000009293879XSmall

Photo image from iStock, purchased by Jordan Dane

Enjoy the first page anonymous submission (as yet untitled) for your consideration and feedback. My comments are on the flipside.

Prologue

Helston, England

December, 1864
The moonlight shined through the window, casting an eerie sheen down her caramel-colored hair.  Her fingertips, well-manicured with a light pink coating, gently held the stem of her wine glass.

The large house was empty save for the two of them, and as his eyes surveyed the dim living room, photographs of family members cluttered the mantelpiece above the fireplace.  The colorfully decorated Christmas tree reflected in the glass of a framed picture, the holiday lights so magnificent that he could hardly see the middle-aged couple depicted in the shot.

She smiled, and as she did so, he mimicked her gesture.

“Supper was great, thank you.”  Past her left shoulder through the window, the silhouettes of bare tree branches scratched at the moon.

“I am glad you enjoyed it,” she responded.  What was her name?  He blinked.  Catherine.

He could faintly tell she was beautiful, and regretted he couldn’t enjoy the sight.  Long, wavy light brown hair, just a hue darker than blonde, cascaded down her back.  Light blue eyes—sky blue to be exact—glanced at the maroon table cloth.  And her heart, beating through her black dress…

He sighed impatiently.

She leaned forward, tucking her hands underneath her chin.  “I must allow myself to admit I am relieved that Mrs. Norfolk has not returned.”

“For ought I know, she is on her way.”

Laughter jumped along the air.  “Oh, pray not!”

He narrowed his eyes as he studied her, trying his best to recall the letter that arrived at his flat just last week.  The girl was twenty-two.  Her birthday was to be on New Year’s Eve, just three weeks away.  Her parents, as he had suspected when he had coerced her into inviting him to dinner, were out at a social event.  They are clearly well-respected within the community, Cam commented, noting the high ceilings that resembled a cathedral more than an actual home.  If being wealthy counted as a community.

“I cannot believe we talked for so long,” he heard himself say.

“I know.”  She glanced at the grandfather clock in the corner.  “Three hours.”

“And I really should be going.  Any longer and I shall be missed.”

Lie.

She leaned back in her seat.  “Oh.”

His lips curved into an easy smile as he stood.  His right hand shoved inside his pocket, clacking coins together.

 

Feedback Comments:

1.) Historical World-building – After my first pass through, I went back to read the tag line and remembered this was a historical piece. By the dialogue and the prose, I did not get a sense of the period. I would have appreciated more setting that triggered my senses to place this story intro into the period. Is it cold in December? What does that look like or feel off the stone walls? Is there a fire in the hearth? What does the place smell like? These details do not have to go on forever, but a smattering of notions can put the reader into that room without much effort.

2.) Dialogue – The dialogue is more modern as well. The writing is sparse in general, mostly dialogue, but if this is to be a period piece, readers of the genre expect proper research. Simple phrases like “the large house” and “living room” do not reflect the time. I would have expected wording like: the manor and parlor, for example. Dialogue like “I cannot believe we talked for so long” might be changed to ” rarely do I engage in such congenial conversation, madam, and at such length.” (Come on, historical authors. Help me out here.)

3.) Point of View & Awkward Phrases – Most of this intro is seen through his perspective, but there are moments where the lines are clearly envisioned through her. This reads as head-hopping. I would recommend selecting one POV and sticking with that, per scene. If there is reason to keep his motives secret, for the sake of mystery and the plot, then I would select her POV as the main one. Or this intro can be cleaned up by making every line as seen through his eyes only.

POV problems and Awkward Phrase Examples:

Her fingertips…gently held the stem of the wine glass – Unless he knows how much pressure she is putting on that stem, he wouldn’t know how gently she is grasping it. He can only guess at it. Without the subject being him, this reads as if it’s her POV.

He could faintly tell she was beautiful, and regretted he couldn’t enjoy the sight – I had to read this again. It drew me from the reading. She is either beautiful, in his estimation, or she is not. And it seems he is enjoying her beauty quite a bit since he’s described her hair more than once and is noticing every aspect of her body. It also wasn’t clear to me why he couldn’t enjoy the sight, but perhaps that comes later.

Light blue eyes—sky blue to be exact—glanced at the maroon table cloth.  And her heart, beating through her black dress…– These descriptions make it seem as if her eyes (as the main subject) are not connected to her body or her heart is the only thing in that dress. By using pronouns in a better way, rather than purely writing for imagery, the meaning would be clearer – ie He admired how her sky blue eyes refused to meet his gaze as she glanced along the maroon tablecloth. When her bosom heaved, he imagined her heart raced under the dark ribbons and lace of her frock. There is also a POV problem where the last line is clearly in her point of view since he can’t know how fast her heart is beating under her dress.

Laughter jumped along the air – This line is very awkward. It tossed me from the reading. Anyone else? This generic reference to laughter also does not indicate who is laughing. I assumed it was her laughter, but then why not say it?

Past her left shoulder through the window, the silhouettes of bare tree branches scratched at the moon – This should be in his POV, yet he is not mentioned at all. Several descriptions are disembodied. I had to reread this particular line, thinking at first that it might be a dangling participle.. It’s not, but it through me out. It would be cleaner if the sentence flowed more simply with him as the subject – He gazed over her left shoulder to see the dark silhouettes of bare tree branches scratching at the moon.

He heard himself say – This could be simplified to: He said.

Overall: – There is obvious tension in this scene. The author does a good job of focusing on body language to set that mood. Adding more on setting can only enhance this friction and expand on the mystery of what’s happening. If the point of view were clearly in one head, there could be more mystery layered into this piece to make it more intriguing. Imagine if the POV is in his head and he does not trust her beguiling manner. Who is playing whom? And a better defined setting would not only add to the mood of the scene, but also set the stage in history.

What do you think, TKZers? Please share your constructive criticism.

Religion in Mysteries

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While at Malice, I was on a panel about Religion in Mysteries. It’s a topic I really hadn’t thought about before. So how do mystery writers handle this subject? Fellow panelists were authors whose protagonists included a hospital chaplain (Mindy Quigley), a minister (Stephanie Jaye Evans), a rabbi (Ilene Schneider), and a Scotland Yard Detective (Anne Cleeland).

clergy  priest  rabbi

What made my series different was that my sleuth Marla is a hairdresser. As I told the crowd, women see their stylists a lot more often than their clergymen. They willingly confide in their hairdressers and overhear juicy conversations in the salon, whereas people confess to priests or to chaplains on their deathbeds. So while people approach the ministry to be absolved for their sins, Marla has to worm their secrets out of them. Thank goodness she’s a skilled conversationalist.

The moderator posed some interesting questions. If those other protags were not clergy, would it matter to the series? And if my heroine was more religious, how would that change things? Ask yourself this question about your main character. In Marla’s case, it would make a big difference. She’s not particularly religious but she has a basic belief in Judaism and follows the traditional holidays. As the series progresses, so does her romantic relationship with Detective Dalton Vail who isn’t Jewish. This probably wouldn’t happen if she were more devout. They enter into an interfaith marriage where they respect each other’s traditions and beliefs.

Here’s another question to pose to your characters: How does their view of religion color their view of the world? Marla’s outlook is more expansive. She encompasses other viewpoints with tolerance and understanding. A priest or rabbi’s attitude will be focused on their own kind, while a hospital chaplain has to minister to patients of all faiths.

What role does religion play in your books? Is it a central or peripheral part of your plot? Does religion influence your protagonists’ search for justice?

How important are your protagonists’ careers to the stories? Would the slant be different if they were police professionals or hairdressers or members of the clergy?

Do holidays play a role in your stories? I’ve had Passover, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and New Year’s in my series, if you count the book I just turned in. Holidays in my books are where friends and families gather and where their ties are strengthened. But you could easily have a contentious family gathering where tensions escalate instead.

seder table    seder wine

Perhaps this thematic content is something you haven’t considered before. But as a writer, your views of religion and sense of right from wrong color your perceptions. Do they influence your protagonist’s view as well?

Read my report on Malice 2015 here: Malice 2015

Contest Alert!
Enter May 7– 21 to win a signed copy of bestselling author Joanna Campbell Slan’s historical mystery, Death of a Dowager, and a $15 FANDANGO gift card to enjoy a movie this summer. Two runners-up will each win an ebook copy of Hair Raiser (Bad Hair Day Mystery #2). http://nancyjcohen.com/fun-stuff/contest/

Like a Virgin, Published
For the Very First Time

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“No passion in the world is equal to the passion to alter someone else’s draft.” — H.G. Wells

By PJ Parrish

After twelve books, writing hasn’t gotten any easier for me. And after twelve books, having a new one come out hasn’t lost its thrill.

I just sent in the final copy edits for the latest one. Okay, it’s number thirteen, but I’m not superstitious. I’m excited as hell. Maybe it’s because we took almost a year off for a rest before we started it. Maybe it’s because it’s not a Louis Kincaid series book or even our usual thriller/police procedural. It’s psychological suspense, dual protagonists, unreliable narrator, and a theme that’s haunted my subconscious for a long time – the damage done by living an inauthentic life.

FINAL COVER

Anyway, as my Brit friend Crazy Tim would say, I’m dead chuffed to announce that She’s Not There will be published September 8 (and, if you’ll excuse a bit of blatant self-pro-mo, is now available for pre-order). Our new publisher is Thomas & Mercer, and I’ve waited to talk about this because I wanted to finish the pre-pub process before I went public about our experience. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what to expect when we signed with the West Coast team. We’ve been only with Manhattan-centric houses before and though I have friends who raved about their T&M experiences, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Would the process be different? Would my book get noticed? And finally, would the editing be as good as I was used to?

The answers so far: Yes. Yes. Yes.  Well, let’s change that last one to “no” and I’ll explain later.

Yes, the process is different when you are published by one of giant Amazon’s imprints. (Which are separate from its self-publishing unit). I was treated really well by my former New York publishers and had some great success. But my experience with T&M has been surprising in its inclusiveness. Once they bought our book, there were long intensive conversations where they explained in detail their editing, promotion and publishing process. They have sought our advice via rather lengthy questionnaires and emails on how we thought our book should be marketed — who is our target audience, what our tone is, what themes and motifs are important, what colors and typefaces we thought conveyed our book’s mood, even what kind of voices we thought were suitable for audible books. They wanted to see images we had for cover ideas, and the final cover above is a refined and more dramatic take off on a jpeg we sent.  It was designed by David Drummond and we think it’s really brill, as Crazy Tim would say. (Click here to see David’s other work).

Yes, our book will get noticed. Although Amazon stresses eBook publishing, its print books are beautiful, and contrary to what I had heard, stores are not reluctant to carry T&M books. I’ve had three requests this week for launch party signings from independent stores. As for respect, well, in two years, T&M has had three Edgar nominees and six ITW nominations (one win). And you know, I figured any house that could snag Ed McBain’s back list has something going for it.

Now to that last one. No, the editing is not as good as I am used to. It’s better. Which is not to say the editors are necessarily better. I’ve been blessed to have some terrific editors, including John Scognamilio at Kensington and Mitch Ivers at Simon and Schuster. But at T&M the process is a bit different. We have two separate editors: the first is our acquisition editor, who bought our book and now oversees its journey through the house and out into the world; the second is our development editor, who oversaw the big-picture issues of the book (story, character development, theme) and did the first round of editing. We are really lucky to have landed with Alison Dasho, who was one of the powers behind Bleak House Books in Madison. Alison fulfills what I think is the number one criterion of a great editor: She gets us.

But then came the small army of copy editors. Four of them. All eagle-eyed and talented, but each with his or her own unique contribution. Faith pruned out our word repetitions and cliches, and suggested some character tweaking. Scott caught our writer tics, mistakes in our San Francisco references, and lazy word useage. Sharon snagged typos, flagged inconsistencies, and Nicole, as an ex-dancer herself, rightly questioned every reference we made to ballet. With each pass, the book emerged tighter, cleaner, sharper.

In the heat of creation, we writers make a lot of mistakes. Dumb stuff like changing a hero’s hair color in mid-book. Knee-jerk writer tic stuff like having more staring eyes than a Walter Keane painting. Show-off stuff like having someone order an expensive whiskey when in reality it’s so rare no bar stocks it. Lazy stuff like not bothering to do a Google Street View to find out that Gloucester Street in Brunswick, Ga., does not cross Mansfield. (My bads, all).

But today, as I sit here typing this, my mind is at rest. Because a bunch of talented folks have my back. Copy editors who respected my style when I fought to use “like” because I wrote in a deeply intimate POV and my characters would never use the uppity but correct “as if.”  Copy editors who actually asked me where I stand on serial commas. (They’re like gnats…okay until you can start feeling them bite). Copy editors who take the time to applaud in Track Changes when you do something cool.

Last week, I opened the Word file and found an error. My blood turned cold because it was an error about a clue, deadline was past and the book had started into the production pipeline. When I worked up the guts to tell Alison, she said, “Oh, don’t worry. We’ll fix it. We can go back and fix anything all year long.”

Once, everything was written in stone. Now, nothing is. In some ways, that’s progress, I’d say.

COPY EDITING TEST TIME!

Okay, now let’s see if you can match wits with my editors. Below are passages from She’s Not There. Each has an error or problem, which thanks to my editors won’t see print. Answers at end.

  1. “Look, Owen, I can’t talk now. I have to –-”
    “Is she okay?”
    “No, she’s not okay. She doesn’t even…” He was on the verge of crying. He couldn’t let Owen hear him balling like a girl. “Owen, I’ll call you when I know more.”
  2. There was an ornate gold broach in the shape of a peacock, the tail set with colored gemstones. And a second pin, a big gaudy red and green parrot. He picked them both up. They were not the kind of things a teenage girl would wear. They were old-lady pins.
  3. More memories moved in, unclear but powerful. Her mother’s light brown hair and sad hazel eyes. The sharp jut of her shoulder blades beneath a thin yellow dress as she hung white sheets on a clothesline. A single word came to Amelia as she thought of her mother . . . enduring. Enduring the starkness of a house where quarters were hoarded in Mason jars and small comforts were found in the shelves of the town library and the pews of the Methodist Church.
  4. “My grandson loves his Fig Newtons,” the old man said.
    The sudden sadness in the man’s voice made her turn back toward him.
    “It was all there was in the kitchen—Fig Newtons,” he said. “My granddaughter, she didn’t know how to take care of him right. He was alone and living on cookies and water when I got there.”
  5. The corner booth at the Seal Rock Restaurant offered him a clear view. He had checked out the neighborhood and the building’s exterior already. It overlooked a park that sloped down to the ocean and two popular tourist places, the Sutro Baths and the Cliff House.
  6. He turned onto Eddy Street. The Oasis Inn was a puke-yellow relic from the Sixties.
  7. Buchanan tore open the mailer. Inside was a red leather Day Planner and the Kindle. He opened the Day Planner to the week that Amelia disappeared.
  8. Her eyes locked on the younger woman, and she stiffened, a memory coming into focus. An argument somewhere, this woman yelling at her, something about Alex. Then the memory disappeared, and Amelia found herself staring at the young woman’s face, filled with an unexplainable contempt.
  9. A manic episode, Amelia thought sadly. Isn’t that what they called it? Wasn’t that what happened to bipolar people when their mood pendulumed too wide? That day on the roof and the screaming fit over the burnt cookies—they were the negatives to all the positives.
  10. Tobias nodded slowly and then his eyes slid toward the bar, looking for the server again. When he looked back, Buchanan got his first good look into the man’s eyes. They were the color of the Cumberland River on a cloudy day—a muddy blue-green but shot through with tiny red veins. The guy had been drinking.
  11. She took a step back from the counter at the sound of the voice. The big bald man was coming out from the back room, holding up the ring between two meaty fingers. A woman came out after him, a tiny leather-skinned thing with fizzed red hair, wearing jeans and a pink halter-top.
  12. The dog hadn’t been sick, she remembered. She had taken him in for a teeth cleaning and grooming and they had to keep him overnight. But where? What was the name of the place? She shut her eyes, trying to summon a name, but all she could see in her mind were elephants dancing in tutus. Like that old Walt Disney movie . . .Fantasia.

ANSWERS

  1. Balling like a girl. Maybe “bawling” might not raise eyebrows, you think?
  2. Old ladies wear brooches, not broaches. Unless she gets defensive about it and is afraid to bring up the subject. Or it she wears it sideways, which makes it a broached breach-brooch.
  3. This is a trick question but I included anyway to make a point. It’s nice that mom went to the Methodist Church, but ten chapters ago she was a Baptist.
  4. My grandson loves his Fig Newtons. the old guy says. But then he says the boy’s mother, his granddaughter, was unfit. Which makes the boy his great-grandson.
  5. I have sat in this same booth at the Seal Rock Restaurant in San Francisco more times than I can count. Too bad I didn’t look at the sign outside because it’s the Seal Rock Inn Restaurant.
  6. The Oasis Inn in San Francisco really exists. I haven’t stayed there, but I Street-Viewed it. Trouble is, I called it puke-yellow (and worse later). Lesson: The truth is no defense. If you talk smack about a place, change the name or prepare to get a lawyer.
  7. Day Planner? It’s actually called a Day Runner. And I even use one. Geez.
  8. “Amelia found herself staring at the young woman’s face, filled with an unexplainable contempt.”  Whose face is filled? You tell me, I’m just the writer…
  9. “Pendulumed”?  Get over yourself.  What’s the matter with “swung”?
  10. Let’s see, just for fun, how many times we can shoehorn “look” or “looking” into two sentences!
  11. Fizzed red head. Great image…but for the life of me, I don’t know of what. I meant to write frizzed.
  12. “She shut her eyes, trying to summon a name, but all she could see in her mind were elephants dancing in tutus. Like that old Walt Disney movie . . .Fantasia.”  One of my favorite childhood movies, Fantasia.  Problem is, those dancing animals were hippos. But like I told my editor, the book is about the unreliable nature of memory.  Maybe I was trying to make a subtle point? {{{{Long pause}}}} Nope. I just plain blew it.

I have a memory like…a dancing elephant. Thank God for editors with good eyes, kind souls and suspicious hearts. No serial comma, please.