Enjoy the first page anonymous submission (as yet untitled) for your consideration and feedback. My comments are on the flipside.
The moonlight shined through the window, casting an eerie sheen down her caramel-colored hair. Her fingertips, well-manicured with a light pink coating, gently held the stem of her wine glass.
The large house was empty save for the two of them, and as his eyes surveyed the dim living room, photographs of family members cluttered the mantelpiece above the fireplace. The colorfully decorated Christmas tree reflected in the glass of a framed picture, the holiday lights so magnificent that he could hardly see the middle-aged couple depicted in the shot.
She smiled, and as she did so, he mimicked her gesture.
“Supper was great, thank you.” Past her left shoulder through the window, the silhouettes of bare tree branches scratched at the moon.
“I am glad you enjoyed it,” she responded. What was her name? He blinked. Catherine.
He could faintly tell she was beautiful, and regretted he couldn’t enjoy the sight. Long, wavy light brown hair, just a hue darker than blonde, cascaded down her back. Light blue eyes—sky blue to be exact—glanced at the maroon table cloth. And her heart, beating through her black dress…
He sighed impatiently.
She leaned forward, tucking her hands underneath her chin. “I must allow myself to admit I am relieved that Mrs. Norfolk has not returned.”
“For ought I know, she is on her way.”
Laughter jumped along the air. “Oh, pray not!”
He narrowed his eyes as he studied her, trying his best to recall the letter that arrived at his flat just last week. The girl was twenty-two. Her birthday was to be on New Year’s Eve, just three weeks away. Her parents, as he had suspected when he had coerced her into inviting him to dinner, were out at a social event. They are clearly well-respected within the community, Cam commented, noting the high ceilings that resembled a cathedral more than an actual home. If being wealthy counted as a community.
“I cannot believe we talked for so long,” he heard himself say.
“I know.” She glanced at the grandfather clock in the corner. “Three hours.”
“And I really should be going. Any longer and I shall be missed.”
She leaned back in her seat. “Oh.”
His lips curved into an easy smile as he stood. His right hand shoved inside his pocket, clacking coins together.
1.) Historical World-building – After my first pass through, I went back to read the tag line and remembered this was a historical piece. By the dialogue and the prose, I did not get a sense of the period. I would have appreciated more setting that triggered my senses to place this story intro into the period. Is it cold in December? What does that look like or feel off the stone walls? Is there a fire in the hearth? What does the place smell like? These details do not have to go on forever, but a smattering of notions can put the reader into that room without much effort.
2.) Dialogue – The dialogue is more modern as well. The writing is sparse in general, mostly dialogue, but if this is to be a period piece, readers of the genre expect proper research. Simple phrases like “the large house” and “living room” do not reflect the time. I would have expected wording like: the manor and parlor, for example. Dialogue like “I cannot believe we talked for so long” might be changed to ” rarely do I engage in such congenial conversation, madam, and at such length.” (Come on, historical authors. Help me out here.)
3.) Point of View & Awkward Phrases – Most of this intro is seen through his perspective, but there are moments where the lines are clearly envisioned through her. This reads as head-hopping. I would recommend selecting one POV and sticking with that, per scene. If there is reason to keep his motives secret, for the sake of mystery and the plot, then I would select her POV as the main one. Or this intro can be cleaned up by making every line as seen through his eyes only.
POV problems and Awkward Phrase Examples:
Her fingertips…gently held the stem of the wine glass – Unless he knows how much pressure she is putting on that stem, he wouldn’t know how gently she is grasping it. He can only guess at it. Without the subject being him, this reads as if it’s her POV.
He could faintly tell she was beautiful, and regretted he couldn’t enjoy the sight – I had to read this again. It drew me from the reading. She is either beautiful, in his estimation, or she is not. And it seems he is enjoying her beauty quite a bit since he’s described her hair more than once and is noticing every aspect of her body. It also wasn’t clear to me why he couldn’t enjoy the sight, but perhaps that comes later.
Light blue eyes—sky blue to be exact—glanced at the maroon table cloth. And her heart, beating through her black dress…– These descriptions make it seem as if her eyes (as the main subject) are not connected to her body or her heart is the only thing in that dress. By using pronouns in a better way, rather than purely writing for imagery, the meaning would be clearer – ie He admired how her sky blue eyes refused to meet his gaze as she glanced along the maroon tablecloth. When her bosom heaved, he imagined her heart raced under the dark ribbons and lace of her frock. There is also a POV problem where the last line is clearly in her point of view since he can’t know how fast her heart is beating under her dress.
Laughter jumped along the air – This line is very awkward. It tossed me from the reading. Anyone else? This generic reference to laughter also does not indicate who is laughing. I assumed it was her laughter, but then why not say it?
Past her left shoulder through the window, the silhouettes of bare tree branches scratched at the moon – This should be in his POV, yet he is not mentioned at all. Several descriptions are disembodied. I had to reread this particular line, thinking at first that it might be a dangling participle.. It’s not, but it through me out. It would be cleaner if the sentence flowed more simply with him as the subject – He gazed over her left shoulder to see the dark silhouettes of bare tree branches scratching at the moon.
He heard himself say – This could be simplified to: He said.
Overall: – There is obvious tension in this scene. The author does a good job of focusing on body language to set that mood. Adding more on setting can only enhance this friction and expand on the mystery of what’s happening. If the point of view were clearly in one head, there could be more mystery layered into this piece to make it more intriguing. Imagine if the POV is in his head and he does not trust her beguiling manner. Who is playing whom? And a better defined setting would not only add to the mood of the scene, but also set the stage in history.
What do you think, TKZers? Please share your constructive criticism.