by Joe Hartlaub
I am honored to have been asked to critique the first page of a work-in-progress titled THE PEACEMAKER by an anonymous author. My comments follow. Fellow TKZers, please feel free to offer additional constructive comments, particularly if you see something that I have missed. Thank you in advance. And thank you, Anonymous Author, for getting the job done and showing us your work.
THE PEACEMAKER
The young woman was rounding the corner of the jogging path in Central Park. The man watched as she pulled out her cell phone. .He had been following her for years, watching, and waiting for the perfect moment to step out of the shadows and make her his own.
There had many other women, but none matched the qualities he saw in her, so when he tired of them, they simply disappeared. He and the jogger had a history and a destiny of which she was not yet aware.
The man watched as she dialed a number, not knowing she was calling her godfather, telling him she thought someone was following her and, was certain someone had been in her home when she was away.
Dan Alston told his goddaughter to go home and remain until she heard back from him; then he called his old friend, Seth Barkley.
Over fourteen hundred miles away Marshals Seth Barkley and Steve Daugherty were having problems of their own. They were at the front door of the home of wealthy day trader Jackson Callan to arrest him when three gunshots rang out.
Now, they were inside the house, swiftly and cautiously moving toward the staircase. The marshals were aware that Callan’s wife and three children might be upstairs
Looking up the stairway Barkley’s heart began to race. At the top stood a small woman crippled with fear. Behind her holding a 9mm Glock to her head was her husband.
Barkley’s first thought was, how did a mere white collar arrest go so wrong? His second, three gunshots, where are the children?
Barkley cautiously moved to the front of the stairs where he had a clear view of Callan. Daugherty moved behind Barkley to the right where he had a clear shot if Callan decided to end it all right there, taking Barkley with him.
“Is anyone else in the house?” Barkley asked
“My three children,” Callan replied eerily calm.
Barkley suddenly got a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach remembering the three gunshots that had led to this moment.
“Let your wife and kids go,” he said to the man. “They don’t play a part…”
Before Barkley could finish his sentence, a shot rang out causing Callan’s wife to fall to the floor. A split second later a shot from Steve Daugherty’s gun landed Jackson Callan next to his wife.
Feedback:
Generally, Anonymous Author needs to get ahold of the story’s reins and slow it down a bit. We’ve got one page and a few paragraphs, in which the perspective changes four different times, from a stalker to a jogger to her godfather to a policeman. I like fast-paced stories as much as anyone but the author needs to give the reader a bit more in each scene, particularly in the opening paragraphs, before moving on to the next. Certainly the opening scene is interesting: a stalker, and a dangerous one, watching a woman who has apparently just become aware of his attention. Let’s start with that, focusing primarily on The Stalker, and proceed. I give a couple of examples of how to slow things down a bit while giving the reader more information, but certainly they are not all-inclusive.
Names: Before we go any further let’s give the stalker and the jogger a names, or a nicknames, so that we can personalize them and identify them when they come back around in the story. For our purposes, I’m going to call the stalker The Stalker (as you may have noticed) and the young woman The Jogger. Tell us a little bit about each character as they are introduced, or as soon as practicable thereafter. Let’s start with The Stalker. And give him a distinctive piece of clothing or jewelry — a keyfob that he likes to play with, something that he always wears —that the reader can use later to identify him. It’s better to do that — or to start doing that — when you first introduce a character, rather than going back and trying to back and fill later.
Show, Don’t Tell: The Stalker is a dangerous guy. We learn this in a sentence or two. Draw this out a bit. Grow the story with specific details. Rather than saying that The Stalker has been watching the woman for years indicate that he has been watching her long enough that he knows things about her that he probably shouldn’t, such as her schedule, where she works, where she shops, where she lives, and her cat’s name and what she feeds it. Little details such as this indicate that he has been snooping around the corners of her life, and maybe even going so far as getting into her apartment. As far as The Stalker’s previous women go, be vague but menacing. Talk about The Jogger’s predecessors, the ones he left behind, such as a reference to leaving women in -x- number of states, some of whom have been found, others who have not (to use but one example).
Put the reader in the moment: The Stalker is watching the woman in Central Park as she jogs. Give us some detail. You don’t need to go overboard, but tell us what he finds to be attractive about her as he watches her run, using language such as “her tall, slender figure” or “ her long hair was secured in a ponytail that swung back and forth like a metronome as she passed him,” or what she is wearing as she jogs. You can also use a brief description of her clothing to hint at the weather conditions. Also, do a little research into the Central Park jogging trails. Just mentioning that the jogger is on the Reservoir Path, the Great Lawn, or Outer Park Drive Loop — and indicating that she lives nearby, say, on Ninth Avenue — will put the reader more into in the scene.
Slow the transition of perspective from one character to another: THE PEACEMAKER is told in the third person omniscient, where the narrator is outside of the story and telling the experiences and thoughts of each character. An author will have have a happier reader if the reader can follow the transition of the perspective from one character to another smoothly (unless, of course, you are William Faulkner or Cormac McCarthy). I felt that it was a bit choppy here. The Stalker sees The Jogger using her phone (did she stop to make the call or keep running? We don’t know) to call her godfather who then calls his friend in law enforcement who is in the middle of an offal storm. That’s all in a few paragraphs. Let’s slow things down and relay the transitions rather than throwing them. The Stalker is watching The Jogger and thinking his dark thoughts, indirectly describing her to the reader while revealing something of himself as well. The Jogger suddenly stops jogging and pulls her phone out. Boom. A disturbance in the Force, Luke. She hasn’t done this before. New paragraph, double-spaced. Let’s change perspective. We’re now observing the jogger. Let’s learn a little about her, what she was thinking about when she started running on this particular day (work, a friend, joy/regrets about moving to New York, etc.), and especially how she came to notice that guy who seems to be watching her whenever she’s jogging (and at other places, too), and what made her decide to call her godfather. By now, we’re a couple of pages into the book. If you want to introduce Dan Alston at this point, fine. Again, transition by introducing Dan Alston and describing him in his environment, placing him a couple of minutes before he receives the phone call from his goddaughter. Describe him sitting behind his desk or in his den, sipping a scotch or whatever, and getting a call from that goddaughter of his who disregarded his advice and moved to New York and who only calls when she needs something or who calls him faithfully once a week just to see how he is. And so it goes. Doug calling his friend Seth Barkley makes for a good transition point. I like how Seth is introduced here. Seth can call Doug back a few hours after Barkley clears up that domestic situation which has totally gone FUBAR , and we can learn more about Doug, as well as Dan and The Jogger, based upon what they discuss. Then we can go back to New York and Central Park and The Stalker and The Jogger and see how things are playing out.
Proofread: I am the world’s worst proofreader so I consider this particularly important. There are a number of glaring punctuation errors here. The punctuation errors include two periods after the second sentence in the first paragraph; a comma after “watching” in the second sentence and after “and” in the third sentence of the first paragraph; and no period at all at the end of the last sentence of the sixth paragraph. These are extremely distracting for the reader, and chop up what flow you have in the narrative. After you have completed your first draft, go over your work slowly and carefully for typos and then have at least three other people do so. My own experience for what it is worth is that women are much better at this than men. Your results may differ, but have a set of eyes other than your own read your manuscript over. And be careful using Word, which occasionally causes letters and words to mysteriously drop out when cut and pasted into other formats.
Keep working on THE PEACEMAKER: By sending your first page to us — or anyone — you have gotten further than something like ninety percent of potential authors. Now is not the time to stop. Drop back and tell us how you’ve done. THE PEACEMAKER needs work, but like many houses that need rehabbing, it has good bones. As our blogger emeritus John Gilstrap says, when failure is not an option, success is guaranteed.
Thank you again, Anonymous Author, for the privilege of critiquing your work. And if you have a question, or just want to disagree with me, feel free to email me.










