by Joe Hartlaub
I am honored to have been asked to critique the first page of a work-in-progress titled THE PEACEMAKER by an anonymous author. My comments follow. Fellow TKZers, please feel free to offer additional constructive comments, particularly if you see something that I have missed. Thank you in advance. And thank you, Anonymous Author, for getting the job done and showing us your work.
THE PEACEMAKER
The young woman was rounding the corner of the jogging path in Central Park. The man watched as she pulled out her cell phone. .He had been following her for years, watching, and waiting for the perfect moment to step out of the shadows and make her his own.
There had many other women, but none matched the qualities he saw in her, so when he tired of them, they simply disappeared. He and the jogger had a history and a destiny of which she was not yet aware.
The man watched as she dialed a number, not knowing she was calling her godfather, telling him she thought someone was following her and, was certain someone had been in her home when she was away.
Dan Alston told his goddaughter to go home and remain until she heard back from him; then he called his old friend, Seth Barkley.
Over fourteen hundred miles away Marshals Seth Barkley and Steve Daugherty were having problems of their own. They were at the front door of the home of wealthy day trader Jackson Callan to arrest him when three gunshots rang out.
Now, they were inside the house, swiftly and cautiously moving toward the staircase. The marshals were aware that Callan’s wife and three children might be upstairs
Looking up the stairway Barkley’s heart began to race. At the top stood a small woman crippled with fear. Behind her holding a 9mm Glock to her head was her husband.
Barkley’s first thought was, how did a mere white collar arrest go so wrong? His second, three gunshots, where are the children?
Barkley cautiously moved to the front of the stairs where he had a clear view of Callan. Daugherty moved behind Barkley to the right where he had a clear shot if Callan decided to end it all right there, taking Barkley with him.
“Is anyone else in the house?” Barkley asked
“My three children,” Callan replied eerily calm.
Barkley suddenly got a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach remembering the three gunshots that had led to this moment.
“Let your wife and kids go,” he said to the man. “They don’t play a part…”
Before Barkley could finish his sentence, a shot rang out causing Callan’s wife to fall to the floor. A split second later a shot from Steve Daugherty’s gun landed Jackson Callan next to his wife.
Feedback:
Generally, Anonymous Author needs to get ahold of the story’s reins and slow it down a bit. We’ve got one page and a few paragraphs, in which the perspective changes four different times, from a stalker to a jogger to her godfather to a policeman. I like fast-paced stories as much as anyone but the author needs to give the reader a bit more in each scene, particularly in the opening paragraphs, before moving on to the next. Certainly the opening scene is interesting: a stalker, and a dangerous one, watching a woman who has apparently just become aware of his attention. Let’s start with that, focusing primarily on The Stalker, and proceed. I give a couple of examples of how to slow things down a bit while giving the reader more information, but certainly they are not all-inclusive.
Names: Before we go any further let’s give the stalker and the jogger a names, or a nicknames, so that we can personalize them and identify them when they come back around in the story. For our purposes, I’m going to call the stalker The Stalker (as you may have noticed) and the young woman The Jogger. Tell us a little bit about each character as they are introduced, or as soon as practicable thereafter. Let’s start with The Stalker. And give him a distinctive piece of clothing or jewelry — a keyfob that he likes to play with, something that he always wears —that the reader can use later to identify him. It’s better to do that — or to start doing that — when you first introduce a character, rather than going back and trying to back and fill later.
Show, Don’t Tell: The Stalker is a dangerous guy. We learn this in a sentence or two. Draw this out a bit. Grow the story with specific details. Rather than saying that The Stalker has been watching the woman for years indicate that he has been watching her long enough that he knows things about her that he probably shouldn’t, such as her schedule, where she works, where she shops, where she lives, and her cat’s name and what she feeds it. Little details such as this indicate that he has been snooping around the corners of her life, and maybe even going so far as getting into her apartment. As far as The Stalker’s previous women go, be vague but menacing. Talk about The Jogger’s predecessors, the ones he left behind, such as a reference to leaving women in -x- number of states, some of whom have been found, others who have not (to use but one example).
Put the reader in the moment: The Stalker is watching the woman in Central Park as she jogs. Give us some detail. You don’t need to go overboard, but tell us what he finds to be attractive about her as he watches her run, using language such as “her tall, slender figure” or “ her long hair was secured in a ponytail that swung back and forth like a metronome as she passed him,” or what she is wearing as she jogs. You can also use a brief description of her clothing to hint at the weather conditions. Also, do a little research into the Central Park jogging trails. Just mentioning that the jogger is on the Reservoir Path, the Great Lawn, or Outer Park Drive Loop — and indicating that she lives nearby, say, on Ninth Avenue — will put the reader more into in the scene.
Slow the transition of perspective from one character to another: THE PEACEMAKER is told in the third person omniscient, where the narrator is outside of the story and telling the experiences and thoughts of each character. An author will have have a happier reader if the reader can follow the transition of the perspective from one character to another smoothly (unless, of course, you are William Faulkner or Cormac McCarthy). I felt that it was a bit choppy here. The Stalker sees The Jogger using her phone (did she stop to make the call or keep running? We don’t know) to call her godfather who then calls his friend in law enforcement who is in the middle of an offal storm. That’s all in a few paragraphs. Let’s slow things down and relay the transitions rather than throwing them. The Stalker is watching The Jogger and thinking his dark thoughts, indirectly describing her to the reader while revealing something of himself as well. The Jogger suddenly stops jogging and pulls her phone out. Boom. A disturbance in the Force, Luke. She hasn’t done this before. New paragraph, double-spaced. Let’s change perspective. We’re now observing the jogger. Let’s learn a little about her, what she was thinking about when she started running on this particular day (work, a friend, joy/regrets about moving to New York, etc.), and especially how she came to notice that guy who seems to be watching her whenever she’s jogging (and at other places, too), and what made her decide to call her godfather. By now, we’re a couple of pages into the book. If you want to introduce Dan Alston at this point, fine. Again, transition by introducing Dan Alston and describing him in his environment, placing him a couple of minutes before he receives the phone call from his goddaughter. Describe him sitting behind his desk or in his den, sipping a scotch or whatever, and getting a call from that goddaughter of his who disregarded his advice and moved to New York and who only calls when she needs something or who calls him faithfully once a week just to see how he is. And so it goes. Doug calling his friend Seth Barkley makes for a good transition point. I like how Seth is introduced here. Seth can call Doug back a few hours after Barkley clears up that domestic situation which has totally gone FUBAR , and we can learn more about Doug, as well as Dan and The Jogger, based upon what they discuss. Then we can go back to New York and Central Park and The Stalker and The Jogger and see how things are playing out.
Proofread: I am the world’s worst proofreader so I consider this particularly important. There are a number of glaring punctuation errors here. The punctuation errors include two periods after the second sentence in the first paragraph; a comma after “watching” in the second sentence and after “and” in the third sentence of the first paragraph; and no period at all at the end of the last sentence of the sixth paragraph. These are extremely distracting for the reader, and chop up what flow you have in the narrative. After you have completed your first draft, go over your work slowly and carefully for typos and then have at least three other people do so. My own experience for what it is worth is that women are much better at this than men. Your results may differ, but have a set of eyes other than your own read your manuscript over. And be careful using Word, which occasionally causes letters and words to mysteriously drop out when cut and pasted into other formats.
Keep working on THE PEACEMAKER: By sending your first page to us — or anyone — you have gotten further than something like ninety percent of potential authors. Now is not the time to stop. Drop back and tell us how you’ve done. THE PEACEMAKER needs work, but like many houses that need rehabbing, it has good bones. As our blogger emeritus John Gilstrap says, when failure is not an option, success is guaranteed.
Thank you again, Anonymous Author, for the privilege of critiquing your work. And if you have a question, or just want to disagree with me, feel free to email me.
I agree with your comments, Joe, and have a few of my own to add to the mix.
The online formating of this excerpt didn’t make the scene break obvious to me…at least, I assume that when we go to “Over fourteen hundred miles away…” the author intended this to be a new scene, and the lack of a formal scene break increased the confusion for me, the feeling of being rushed, the feeling of being in too many people’s heads, all before caring about any of them.
What and who is this story about? I wanted to know, and this excerpt doesn’t really give me anyone to root for.
Is it about the serial killer? If so, I want to know more about him… right now, he’s a cardboard character.
Is it about the girl? Again, I want to care about her. I did like that her instincts told her that someone was watching her, however.
I suspect the story is really about the one of the marshalls as he and his partner investigate and, I assume, eventually track down this serial killer, despite external and internal obstacles. If so, why resort to a serial-killer trope and start with The Stalker? It can be done well (e.g., HANNIBAL), but for most avid readers, agents and publishers, it can be ho hum unless the writing itself is stellar and the writer has found his or her voice… which isn’t the case here, although I think the writer has storytelling talent that needs to be developed.
If the story is about a marshall investigating a serial killer, I’d start the story with him and make the reader care about him. Many writers think that starting with action scenes (a murder, a battle, etc.) is the key to hooking readers, but not so. The key is making the reader care, to have empathy, for the characters, the main character especially. Without that, the action scene falls flat. Of course, you can create that empathy in an action scene.
Every scene should move the story forward, so something should happen in virtually every scene in the novel, i.e., you can’t simply delve into character in your scenes, especially your opening scene, but story movement is critical.
So my main questions for this writer are, “What and who is this story about?” “How can I move this STORY forward from its opening scene?”
I love the example of STORY as opposed to PLOT:
1. PLOT: The king died, and then the queen died.
2. STORY: The king died, and then the queen died of a broken heart.
STORY raises questions that the reader wants answered; plot doesn’t.
If you really know what you want your STORY to be about, what you want to say in this story, then your opening scene should give the reader an idea about the real story here, and these scenes don’t do that.
I agree with your advice, Joe. I’ll add one note. If Anonymous Author chooses a traditional path into publishing, then omniscient isn’t the best POV choice. It’s very difficult to hear the voice in omniscient and transitioning from person to person might be seen as head-hopping. That said, I was immediately drawn in by The Stalker and would love to know more about the dynamics between him and The Jogger. Why did he choose her? Does he have a type? How many victims notch his belt? Good first draft. With some work I have no doubt you can make The Peacemaker into an intriguing novel. Best of luck to you.
Boy, do I feel for you, Anon. Author. The first page is a b*tch. How much action is too much? When does characterization turn into a back story info dump? Fourteen balls in the air and only two hands to juggle them with.
To solve the head-hopping dilemma, what if you started with Seth and his partner, approaching the house where they plan to make a white collar arrest of day trader Jason Callan, and Seth’s phone rings? “Dan, this isn’t a good time.”
“Seth, some jerk is stalking my goddaughter in Central Park right now. I need your help. The guy sounds a lot like that serial killer we lost in ’06.”
Seth could hardly turn down the guy who’d saved his life when they were partners [or his AA sponsor or war buddy or some other strong bond], but Dan’s timing stunk. “I’m fourteen hundred miles away. What the hell do you expect me to do?”
Three shots rang out inside the house… etc., etc.
Submitting this page is a great step. A cold read from people who don’t know you gives valuable feedback you might not receive from your critique group buddies, spouse, best pal, etc.
Your next rewrite will be a big improvement b/c you had the courage to expose yourself to this TKZ opportunity. Best of luck!
Agree with Joe. That first page was like watching TV with an ADHD person holding the remote. I’m with a stalker. This is interesting. Click! Oh, now I’m with a jogger. Hmmm. Good thing she’s observant. I wonder who she is. Click! A godfather? Is this a mafia story? Click! Where is this! Some U.S. Marshals? Where am I?
Starting a story with action is always good, but it has to be meaningful action. We have to care. All these threads have promise, but right now they’re a kaleidoscope.
Really promising start, Anonymous, but relax. Let the story (and the reader) breathe.
Joe, you and the others have covered just about everything. This sample has it all: passive voice, author intrusion, POV shifts, cliches, lots of “ly” words, and more story than one page can hold. What I do like is that it appears to be a multi-faceted plot. Although this sample is not ready for primetime, I congratulate the author for submitting to TKZ. Lots of good stuff to learn here.
If I may…
I concur with your thoughts and comments, and would add that opening with a passive verb (“The jogger WAS ROUNDING…”) could be strengthened by deleting was and changing the line to “The jogger rounded…” – putting us more in the moment.
My guess is there are more examples like this deeper in…
Also why not start with the jogger’s name? “Nancy New Balance rounded the bend on the jogging path…” (they don’t usually have corners, do they?)
And was her godfather her godfather… Or a “Don Corleone”?
I also got a little confused with who was dancing where with whom in the standoff at the stairs – I felt I had to reread it a couple of times to understand what was happening
Just my two (or three) cents…
May advice to Anonymous:
Write three different opening scenes, of at least 750 words each. Use a SINGLE POV for each scene, never showing us anything the POV character cannot think or feel or see. The three to choose from:
1. The Jogger.
2. The Stalker.
3. Barkley.
Work each of these scenes, and get feedback, until you know how to keep the POV consistent and the action compelling, with telling details and two or three sentences of backstory (no more!).
This will provide you with good practice in the craft of narrative. You certainly have the right situations, fraught with trouble. Now render them, beat by beat.
Later, you can decide which POV you want to start with.
Good luck and thanks for your submission.
Late to this party. I agree with Joe’s fine initial feedback, and Jim’s breakdown of a more focused opening sequence. I’ll chime in… the submission reads much too quickly, point of view changing as fast as a camera operator tripping down stairs.
Also – and this is an opinion – I urge you to lose the semi-colon. They rarely work in fiction. Use a new sentence instead.
A lot going on, potentially a good story. But the purpose of an opening hook is to earn our empathy and emotion and curiously, and for that we need more intimacy with the players in these moments. We need to be there in the moment long enough to feel the tension. Three hooks are fine, but handle them with their own initial chapter, each written as if it were the only hook in town.
You’ve been given great advice already. I would like to see more dialogue, longer scenes, sticking with one character for a page or so.
Man, I got whiplash reading this. Liked the set up (I jog in parks so I see evil lurking in every shadow). But one second I am in the bad dude’s POV (which needs more details…show don’t tell) and then — wham! — I’m in the woman’s POV (I think?). And then I get one line where I am in the godfather’s POV sorta since he’s taking her call. But then I’m yanked out of that and tossed into the marshals’ scene.
As Scooby do said, “Huh???”
It’s hard to care about the characters — or the story — when you don’t give me enough time to not just bond or empathize but to get into the mood of the scene. Come to think of it, there IS no mood in this at all.
So, dear writer, take Jim’s sage advice and pick one POV and do it well. Either the woman or the stalker, but find a way to make me feel tense and creeped out.
I wanted to drop by and offer a huge THANK YOU and an extra tip of the fedora to all who stopped by and to those who offered their comments. There are some jewels of advice here that we can all take to heart. We’re not cutting things off — no one is ever late to the party at TKZ, Larry, because the party never stops! — so please feel free to offer additional comments, criticism and the like. And Anon, thank you for giving us a glimpse of your work in progress. Ironically, John Gilstrap tweeted the following today: “I was #rejected by 27 #agents before I found the one who made my books #bestsellers. So glad I didn’t quit #trying.” Just so. We’ll look forward to seeing you published at some point down the road.
I agree that omniscient might not be the best way to go. It feels distant and a little old fashioned to me. You might want to consider limited third person using the POV of your protagonist and antagonist, perhaps alternating between chapters so it doesn’t feel too choppy.
This is a little thing, but how did the Marshalls get inside the house? Did they have to break down the door or was it unlocked? And how did they know the wife and kids might be upstairs and not in another room downstairs? Could they see the entire ground floor because it was open planned?
But I think you’re off to a good start. Good luck and keep going.
Just a quick observation – as you’ve already received excellent advice. Dialogue is a shortcut to character. Think of every line of dialogue as an opportunity to move the story forward while simultaneously giving us an active way to show character. If words cost you money, words in dialogue cost you double. The few lines of dialogue you’ve written don’t bring anything to the table. They aren’t “special” enough to spend your word count capitol on. I’d think about what you can have a character say that’s not exactly what we’d expect. For example, does the wife feel “owned” by the husband? Maybe she says “his three children” instead of my – this shows us how she feels about her marriage, herself, and the man about to kill her. It’s chilling if she points out he’s doing this to his own family, whereas “my three children” is just information we already expect. This example may not suit your concept – I’m not saying use this line instead – but my point is, what dialogue you add should sizzle, not just feel cliche or routine. Give us important clues to character. But congrats on getting to this point! You’re doing great, best of luck as you move forward.
First, let me say what I liked. The title caught my attention immediately. (Do you watch The Blacklist?) I also liked that you understand that in the beginning of a novel, something has to happen. That being said, I think in this case that too much is happening (and in too many locations.) I’d start your first scene in the park and give more details about the setting. Get inside of the stalker’s head and give the opening some attitude. At least give the reader a hint about what qualities the woman has that interest him. It’s fine to leave some unanswered questions to keep readers turning pages, but this scene needs to be fleshed out more. Generally speaking, slow it down. Pacing is important when you want to build suspense. You want the reader to anticipate what might happen to the girl and be worried for her. I won’t comment on specific grammatical errors, because I’m assuming that you’re going to rewrite the opening section many times. It’s just part of the job! Good luck.
Point of view shifts were extremely jarring and made me quit reading after about 4 or 5 paragraphs. Numerous typos didn’t help, either. James Scott Bell made an excellent suggestion — which I wholeheartedly endorse — to write three different opening scenes each from a SINGLE point of view. It’s a great way to discipline yourself into sticking with a single point of view in each scene.
Re: the typos. I know there are some writers out there (and I’m hoping Anonymous Author isn’t one of them) who say, “Oh, grammar was never my strong suit. Neither was spelling. I just write it and let the editor take care of all that stuff.” That’s a self-serving excuse to be lazy and not really give a shit about what you write.