by Debbie Burke
Today let’s welcome another Brave Author who submitted a first page for critique, genre described as “Comedic (Cosy – not so cosy) Crime.” Please read and enjoy then we’ll open the discussion.
Title: Digging up the dirt
‘Some secrets won’t stay buried.’ Myrtle’s mouth twitches, not quite a smile; there’s a malicious glee in her delivery.
Some secrets won’t stay buried — and I’m looking at the person most likely to make sure of it.
Her words land like a promise.
She’s itching to unearth what’s been hidden. To watch what crawls out and enjoy the look on everyone’s faces when it does.
She’s insane to believe that by betraying us she won’t expose herself.
Why couldn’t our investor, predator, blackmailer — call her what you like — have been Bob? Someone with the temperament of a Labrador, willing to please for a mere pat on his head.
Myrtle’s opportunistic and slippery as a catfish hauled from our Riviersvalleij river.
‘When did Constable Maritz take Sylvie away?’ I ask.
‘This morning.’ Her smile deepens.
I control the urge to slap her smug face; demand back the purloined shop keys and replace the locks.
She crams a fat wedge of Sylvie’s banana-bread into her mouth, then swigs back the dregs of a cappuccino. Both of which she’s helped herself to after letting herself into our shop.
I look around, spying the basket of homemade nougat wrapped in silvery cellophane, its ends twisted by Sylvie’s deft hands. The nougat has the same stretchiness as the Prestik that glues my scribbled genre labels on the shopworn bookshelves. Our combined distinctive minutiae are everywhere. How dare Myrtle think she’s welcome to claim part of our bookshop cafe.
It’s ours — mine and Sylvie’s.
Her earlier threatening suggestion that Sylvie’s doomed to spend time behind bars and I’ll be grateful for her help has lit an inferno inside me. The old me might have wilted, but she’s underestimated the power of our bond. If we’re going down, I’m bloody well dragging Myrtle with us.
Constable Maritz has carted Sylvie off to confiscate a sample of our dog food. Someone complained food isn’t fit for consumption.
This batch is to have ‘Happy belly – Healthy heart’ as a tagline. Sylvie’d conjured that up based on the resveratrol found in red wine. This time, the, shall I call it meat, lay marinating in a vat of wine for seven days. Let’s pray Sylvie didn’t claim the meat to be pork or horse, or whatever’s usually used in raw dog food. That would be a misrepresentation.
It’s the source of the meat that’s the problem.
It’ll land us in jail.
~~~
Kudos on a flash-bang first sentence! Great job beginning the scene in media res. The conflict is immediately shown without any backstory dump. Myrtle’s character is quickly established as gloating, threatening, and manipulative.
I suggest a slight rewrite:
‘Some secrets won’t stay buried.’ Myrtle’s mouth twitches, not quite a smile; there’s a with malicious glee in her delivery.
Some secrets won’t stay buried — and I’m looking at the person most likely to make sure they’re uncovered of it.
Repetition is not needed and dilutes the impact of the compelling first sentence.
The following line packs a lot into a few words:
“She’s insane to believe that by betraying us she won’t expose herself.”
This describes the situation (an apparent conspiracy), the stakes (if their secrets are exposed, they’re at risk), and a serious rift among characters. Good job!
The voice is humorous and snarky with high tension lurking just below the surface. The author classified this story as “Comedic (Cosy – not so cosy) Crime” and that accurately nails the tone.
However, the next paragraph lost me.
“Why couldn’t our investor, predator, blackmailer — call her what you like — have been Bob? Someone with the temperament of a Labrador, willing to please for a mere pat on his head.”
Investor, predator, blackmailer is an excellent summation of Myrtle that explains her involvement.
But who the heck is Bob?
That distracted and confused me. My mind went off on a tangent wondering what role Bob plays and even thinking he might be the dog.
Then the focus shifts back to Myrtle who’s as “slippery as a catfish hauled from our Riviersvalleij river.” Wonderful description but it feels overdone, coming right on top of the comparison with the eager-to-please Lab.
At this point, the author needs to slow down a bit and let the reader catch a breath. Give them time to become grounded in this world.
Too much backstory slows pace, but too little confuses the reader.
I suggest cutting the paragraph about Bob and saving it for later. For now, keep the focus on Myrtle and the narrator.
The next paragraphs do a fine job of slipping in the setting without stopping the action, but tend to be a bit too complex in places.
“I control the urge to slap her smug face; demand back the purloined shop keys and replace the locks.”
That requires the reader to shift chronological gears mid-sentence. In the present, the narrator wants to slap her. In the past, it’s implied Myrtle has stolen the keys and let herself in. In the future, the narrator plans to change the locks.
Those details are good because they further build Myrtle’s character, as well as establish the narrator’s resentment. But I had to reread the sentence a couple of times to understand it. I suggest simplifying the chronology and getting rid of the semicolon.
Here’s another sentence that’s hard to comprehend:
“Her earlier threatening suggestion that Sylvie’s doomed to spend time behind bars and I’ll be grateful for her help has lit an inferno inside me.”
I suggest breaking this into shorter sentences:
Myrtle’s threats light an inferno inside me. How dare she imply Sylvie could go to prison, then expect me to be grateful for her help?
The next two sentences effectively summarize the narrator’s character, relationships, motivations, and goals:
“The old me might have wilted, but she’s underestimated the power of our bond. If we’re going down, I’m bloody well dragging Myrtle with us.”
Well done!
Then the author reveals a provocative detail: the mystery meat used to make dog food sold by the shop is illegal.
Hmm. I can’t help but think of the barbecue in Fried Green Tomatoes.
I’m curious about the setting. The use of single quotes for dialogue and the spelling of “cosy” signals British or Australian. “Prestik” is a rubber-based, reusable, adhesive putty made in South Africa. Eventually I’d like to know more about the location but the plot is intriguing enough that I’m willing to wait.
A dynamite first sentence grabs the reader’s attention. The situation unfolds quickly with blackmail, betrayal, and potential criminal charges. As a reader, I want to learn answers that may turn out to be gruesome.
Brave Author, I really enjoyed the dark, humorous tone of this page, but I suggest you slow down a bit and simplify some sentences. You pack in so much detail that, at times, it becomes overwhelming and a little confusing.
Overall, it’s well written and intriguing.
Thanks for submitting!
~~~
TKZers: what is your impression of this first page? Do you want to dig deeper in the dirt?
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“Authors of any genre will benefit by using this book to take a deeper dive into the antagonist of their story.” — James Scott Bell
“You will certainly find insight and inspiration to make your villains leap off the page and haunt your readers’ dreams.” – Christopher Vogler, The Writer’s Journey: Mythic Structure for Writers
Build multi-dimensional antagonists who fascinate and frighten readers in The Villain’s Journey – How to Create Villains Readers Love to Hate.
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