Category Archives: Fantasy

First Page Critique: At the Monster’s Mercy

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Happy Saturday, TKZers. Let’s welcome a brave author who has provided us with the opening page of a fantasy novel. I’ll have comments afterward, and then you can weigh in with your thoughts as well.

***

Chapter 1

‘Are you sure you know what you’re doing?’ Eneya said in a hushed voice.

She peaked from behind a glowing statue carved of ruby stone and scanned the bright temple. There was still no one in sight, but she didn’t expect this to last.

‘I told you, I’ve been practising,’ Agalik huffed.

 He blew air up to get his blond fringe out of his eyes as he crouched by a door. The lockpicks in his hands clanked and rattled as he explored the keyhole. With a sharp snap, the door opened.

‘I can’t believe this,’ Eneya snickered, and the two sneaked inside. ‘This city won’t be safe with you unleashed like this.’

‘I don’t intend to make it a habit. Funny how to become a good person who behaves normally, I first need to break rules like a criminal.’

‘Striving to avoid misery and shame is barely a crime in my opinion,’ Eneya said. ‘Besides, if we heal your condition now, your family will never complain from you again.’

Agalik and Eneya closed the door behind them and blinked a few times till their eyes adjusted to the dim lighting. Before them stretched the long, dusty rolls of stone bookshelves in the underground, windowless library. Agalik stepped forward, both thrilled and terrified of being here.

‘Well, come on then!’ Eneya grabbed him by the hand and pulled him inside. ‘Let’s find what we need before one of the oracles shows up!’

As they made their way between the stone bookshelves, several fiery orbs the size of oranges chased and followed them, casting a spotlight. Agalik waved a hand and said, ‘Can’t we make these things leave us alone?’

‘Not unless you’re a fire sorcerer and control them. They’re just here to give us light. Ignore them. So, what are we looking for again?’

Eneya’s caramel-coloured fingers traced the fine leather spines of the forbidden tomes they weren’t meant to read.

‘Try and find any books on foreign curses. I’ll look up magical diseases,’ Agalik said.

‘Yes. Let’s pick up anything useful and get out. We can go to the palace’s garden afterwards. The Grand General won’t spot us there.’

‘What if she learns we’ve been here? What story do we tell?’ Agalik asked.

‘You leave that to me. I won’t let her swap you for a different grandson, I promise!’

***

All right, I’m back. First, my overview.

This looks to be a secondary world fantasy, with a high fantasy feel, meaning it’s set in another world where magic is common.

Eneya and Algalik are breaking into a temple in order to find a means to heal Algalik’s unnamed “condition’ in the temple library. We see magical floating torch-like creatures who follow our two characters, and Eneya is concerned about avoiding “the oracles.” We learn Algalik is the grandson of a prominent general in this city, and that he sees himself as having to commit a crime (breaking into a temple library) in order to become good. Once in the library, he tells his companion to pick up any books on foreign curses, so now we know he’s cursed.

So, we have two characters, striving to achieve a goal, in a scene which stays focused on the two of them.

From the way this plays out, I’m left with the impression that both are young, and not normally thieves, given they apparently didn’t rehearse the break-in.

This feels like it could be young adult, but equally could be an adult high fantasy, which can have younger main characters.

Plot: Breaking into a temple library to find a cure for a curse is a great hook, but there’s minimal tension here. Agalik picks the lock (surprisingly noisily to me) and they slip into the library, followed by floating magical light sources. Eneya is concerned about avoiding the oracles but we don’t learn what they are. Given the seeming gravity of this break-in, it’s surprising Eneya doesn’t recall what they are looking for. If this theft is very much a spontaneous action, we need to know that. Certainly that would explain Eneya’s snickering over Agalik using a lockpick, but assuming locks are common here, would she really be surprised? At the same time, she’s in a hurry to avoid the already mentioned oracles. The pair begin looking through the library for anything to do with solving curses.

Opening lines: The scene opens with dialogue. We often talk at TKZ about how dialogue can be an effective opening. “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” does make us curious.

The curse is the reason for the break-in, and getting a better idea of what the curse is would increase tension, especially if it’s something manifesting physically in the victim, such as a possible transformation into a “monster,” a change in behavior etc. Showing the curse in action would be certainly complicate the break in.

One question with openings in general to ask yourself is, is this right door into the story? PJ Parrish’s post on that very topic is well worth reading. I think the current opening could work well, provided we have more tension and focus on the curse. That would provide a strong opening disturbance.

‘I told you, I’ve been practising,’ Agalik huffed.

 He blew air up to get his blond fringe out of his eyes as he crouched by a door. The lockpicks in his hands clanked and rattled as he explored the keyhole. With a sharp snap, the door opened.

We had Agalik “huffing,” implying he’s annoyed. However, the next sentence has him in fact blowing his fringe (bangs) out of his eyes. I suggest writing Agalik said rather than huffed.

“Clanking and rattling” would be too loud for lockpick tools. Now, this is a fantasy world, and we need to be careful about applying Earth analogs to everything, so having this lock function more like an 18th century and later tumbler lock can work, as opposed to the “wards” commonly used, for example, in Medieval monasteries (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warded_lock). The sound of picking a tumbler lock might be soft clicking or soft metallic snicking sound, and then a louder click when the lock opens.

Point of view: The point of view varies in this opening. In the third sentence we are told, There was still no one in sight, but she didn’t expect this to last, which gave me the feeling we were in Eneya’s POV.

However, toward the end of this first page we read, Eneya’s caramel-coloured fingers traced the fine leather spines of the forbidden tomes they weren’t meant to read. This is from outside Eneya’s POV. (Also, unless her fingers can read via touch, the last part doesn’t make sense. If this is some sort of fantasy braille, then by all means show us the sensation of her fingers brushing the spines.)

At times the POV is camera eye or at best spare omniscient  — mostly we see and experience the two characters from outside. We are told that Agalik is both terrified and thrilled.

While a full-on omniscient viewpoint would be an option, a deeper third person, seen through the eyes of one of these characters would place the reader much more firmly in this scene. It seems to be that Eneya is meant to be the main character, but I’m not sure.

Immersion: Giving us at least another sense along with sight and sound will make the story more immersive. How does those books spines feel to Eneya, for instance? What does the interior of the temple smell like? For example, is there the faint lingering scent of incense, or a burnt offering?

Dialogue: The dialogue does have an easy flowing banter, however, it suffers from expositional exchanges where the two characters are telling each other what they already know for the audience’s benefit. We’ve had a lot of discussion at TKZ about how to handle dialogue. This post by James Scott Bell gives excellent advice on handling exposition in dialogue. Elenya’s dialogue is fairly jokey while Agalik is more serious. Given he has a curse of some sort they are striving to find a cure for which involves breaking into a temple, Elenya’s humor feels misplaced, though this could be an opportunity for characterization to show when she’s nervous she hides it by making jokes.

Style note: British/Canadian spelling here—practising, colour etc., as well as British punctuation for dialogue–i.e. single quote marks to enclose dialogue rather than the American practice of double quotation marks.

A couple of errors I noticed: The word peeked in the second sentence is misspelled as peaked. Also, in the dialogue passage, ‘Besides, if we heal your condition now, your family will never complain from you again,’ it seems like from should be about.

***

Okay, TKZers, that’s my two cents. The floor is now open for your comments, feedback, and suggestions. Brave writer, thank you for your submission. I hope this proves helpful and you keep writing.

First Page Critique – MURDER, MYSTERY AND MISDIRECTION

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by Debbie Burke

@burke_writer

Today let’s welcome a Brave Author who submitted the first page of a humorous cozy mystery with fantasy elements including a talking cat.

Please enjoy the read then we’ll discuss on the flip side.

~~~

“Peekaboo!” I burst through the front door, Ryan in my wake. I stopped in the hallway and looked for any sign of the orange cat who was currently on my sugar (I don’t like to swear) list. It only took a moment before the little creature stepped primly into the hall.

“I was napping,” the grumpy feline said, shooting me a gold-eyed glare. She waited for me to continue.

“I acknowledged them,” I said, deadpan.

“Oh.” Peekaboo’s snooty manor fell away, and she lowered those gold eyes.

“That’s all you have to say?” I stood, arms crossed, my eyes shooting daggers. Ryan, my boyfriend, stood mutely watching. He couldn’t hear Peekaboo.

But I could. Oh, boy, could I. My sweet little inherited orange cat bestowed on me, by way of tripping me on my way down the front porch steps, the “gift” of being able to communicate with her. Oh, and see ghosts. To be fair, her motives were pure. She needed me to have a near-death experience so I’d wake up and be able to listen to her.

Maybe I should back up, so you know what I’m talking about.

I used to live in Los Angeles. When I was twenty-one, I broke up a mugging and saved a dear little old lady. She was so grateful that seven years later she left me her estate in her will.

In addition to a house, an SUV and a large amount of money, I inherited Peekaboo, the talking cat. Of course, I didn’t know she was a talking cat at the time. After glaring at me for a few days, she apparently thought I was hopeless and pushed me down the stairs. So, I woke up in the hospital and saw a doctor with a clipboard walk through a wall. But that’s really immaterial to my story. My neighbor, who found me splattered on the porch steps, had called 911. When I was released from the hospital, Elsie, the neighbor, told me I’d flatlined and it took ten minutes of the paddles to bring me back to life.

As I hobbled into my house after Elsie brought me home from the hospital and made sure I was alright to be left alone, subject cat started talking to me. I thought I must have a brain tumor…somebody get me back to the hospital! I grabbed the fireplace poker and used it to keep her at bay. I think she may have rolled her eyes at me.

Then, before I was comfortable that she was talking…and I could understand her…she trotted out the ghost of Alice, the sweet little old lady who’d left me her house. Apparently, this whole episode was so I could see Alice and solve her murder.

That little task resulted in me, and my best friend Susie, and my boyfriend Ryan, who wasn’t my boyfriend at the time…he was the homicide detective I had to convince to help me solve said murder…and DC, a PI that Peekaboo had led me to…I didn’t mention that she’s psychic, did I? That’s how she knew I wouldn’t die when she tripped me on the stairs. Oh, brother….

~~~

Let me confess upfront: fantasy is not a genre I’m very familiar with. I don’t know the tropes and conventions so I hope more knowledgeable readers will chime in about this piece.

What did strike me immediately was the voice. It was humorous and conversational, which I enjoy. It felt like a friend relating a story after a few drinks…quite a few drinks.

Jumping back and forth in time on the first page is risky. The reader is not yet grounded in the story and can easily be confused. Too many events told out of order with too many characters being introduced all at once may frustrate the reader.

But that herky-jerky conversational tone is important to the humor. So, it’s a tightrope walk between smiles and irritation.

What I do know about fantasy is that world building is an important element. The author introduces an unfamiliar universe governed by its own rules. Those rules are different from the reality most people know. Readers need certain information to understand the imaginary world they’re stepping into. However, not all those elements need to be presented at once. Allow them to unfold during the course of the story.

But this example feels more like being hit with a firehose—too much information too soon. I’d be more interested and engaged if I understood a few ground rules.

My suggestion is to quickly establish a world in which only the narrator can hear a talking cat. Something like:

Peekaboo is a sweet orange cat I inherited from a dear little old lady named Alice I had saved from being mugged when I was 21. Seven years later Alice died, and to my great surprise, she left me a large sum of money, an SUV, a house, and Peekaboo, the talking cat.

You’re probably saying “Oh brother!” and I don’t blame you. I’m the only one who can hear Peekaboo, making it hard to convince people I’m not crazy.

Did I forget to mention the cat is psychic? And she wants me to solve Alice’s murder?

Let me back up a bit to when Peekaboo pushed me down the stairs (on purpose—the little brat) and knocked me out, so you understand how all this happened.

 

Regarding craft and word usage details:

Manor should be manner. The preferred spelling for alright is all right. Otherwise the manuscript didn’t have spelling errors. Good job.

Nice, smooth way to establish the narrator’s age (21 plus seven years later makes her 28).

Splattered sounds like blood or brains, and is not accurate for the scene described.

“I acknowledged them,” I said, deadpan. I have no idea what this sentence means. It  has no relation to the sentences before or after it. Who or what does “them“ refer to?

Run-on sentences are tricky. They can convey humor but can also be confusing.

That little task resulted in me, and my best friend Susie, and my boyfriend Ryan, who wasn’t my boyfriend at the time…he was the homicide detective I had to convince to help me solve said murder…and DC, a PI that Peekaboo had led me to…I didn’t mention that she’s psychic, did I?

In a 55-word-long sentence, the reader is introduced to three characters (Susie, Ryan, DC), two professions (homicide detective and PI), the history of the romance (at first Ryan wasn’t her boyfriend), a problem (how to convince the detective/boyfriend to help the narrator solve a murder), and Peekaboo’s psychic ability.

Please slow down, Brave Author. Introduce the characters and establish their relationships to each other. Layer in the problem of solving a murder. Then add the punchline that Peekaboo is psychic.

The narrator’s disjointed thoughts have a curious logic that’s all her own, rather like listening to someone with early dementia. Obviously, the intelligence is still present, but connections keep shorting out.

That wacky voice can endear her to the reader but becomes frustrating and annoying if overdone. Preserve the humor and delete the babbling. 

Brave Author, the concept of a talking, psychic cat is humorous, charming, and intriguing. If you don’t confuse the reader, you have the potential for a delightful mystery. Thanks for sharing this first page with us.

~~~

TKZers: What elements of this first page appealed to you? What turned you off and why?

If you read humorous-cozy-fantasy genre, please educate those of us who are not familiar with it. What are reader expectations? Does this story meet those?

Finding Your Voice

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by Clare Langley-Hawthorne

Yesterday I read a great piece by Lev Grossman (author of the Magicians trilogy) on finding his author voice through writing fantasy fiction (‘Finding my Voice in Fantasy‘). He admitted that he felt something was missing in the two ‘literary’ novels he had published and that, when he was producing those works, the writing came slow and hard as if he hadn’t quite found his ‘voice’ yet. For Grossman it was writing fantasy, and the liberation of writing against the literary expectations he had imposed on himself, that gave him the chance to discover his true ‘voice’ in his writing.

For Grossman “it was the most profound, intense writing experience I’d ever had. The icy grip of reality on my fiction cracked, and a torrent of magic came rushing out”. I love that line – for it encapsulates beautifully the experience of truly being in the writing ‘zone’ when your author voice takes over and allows the story to emerge. 

I’ve recently delved into the writing world of YA and middle grade fiction and what occurred to me was most surprising. I expected my YA voice would be an easier one to access (I still feel most days like I’m 16 after all…) but instead, it was the middle grade world that set my voice free. Maybe it’s because I feel attuned to my nine year old twin boys’ world, perhaps it’s because I still read aloud to them each night and these books tend to be for the most part middle grade fantasy novels…who knows? Whatever the reason I felt the exact sense of liberation that Grossman describes. 

I remember when I was writing my first book, Consequences of Sin, I certainly felt as if I was channeling the voice of my heroine Ursula Marlow – and when I returned to writing the third book in the series, Unlikely Traitors, that voice was inside me, ready to be channeled once more. I hesitated before deciding to write a middle grade book because I wasn’t really sure I’d be able to access that kind of ‘voice’ within me.  To my surprise the voice that emerged was just as strong as Ursula’s. 

The upshot of all this, is that I think many writers need to dabble in different genres to explore aspects of ‘voice’ which they may never have expected. I know plenty of writers who consider themselves ‘literary’ and, by default, superior to those of us who write commercial or genre fiction. For many of them the act of writing is a struggle (sometimes I wonder if they feel that the angst of it all somehow adds to the mystique). I wonder, if they allowed themselves the freedom to explore other genres, whether they would discover a new and more accessible ‘voice’ within them. I can only hope that others take Grossman’s lead and realize, as he did that: 

“Writing about magic felt like magic. It was as if all my life I’d been writing in a foreign language that I wasn’t quite fluent in, and now I’d found my mother tongue. It turned out I did have a voice after all. I’d had it all along. I just wasn’t looking for it in the right place.”


Isn’t that great?!

So tell me TKZers how did you discover your writer’s voice?

Cultural Differences

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By Nancy J. Cohen

Genres matter when you attend a conference. I started out in romance, attending National RWA and Romantic Times conventions. At RWA, we dressed in business attire and wore sequins to the Awards dinner. We taught workshops or we spoke on panels where the emphasis was teaching other writers the craft and business of writing. The same was true for smaller chapter conferences held around the state and throughout the country. Editor/Agent appointments were a staple for this type of working writers conference.

Romantic Times, in contrast, was a fan convention. Here we’d meet readers, booksellers, and reviewers in a fun, party-type setting. I still dressed in business casual during the day. At night, people wore costumes to themed balls and parties. As RT attracted more writers, they added writing tracks to educate aspiring authors. Now they’ve expanded to include other genres just as RT has changed its name to RT Book Reviews. It’s still a great conference to meet industry personnel and readers.

Then I switched to writing mysteries and attended Malice, Bouchercon, and SleuthFest. What a difference! People wore jeans! There were men in the crowd! Panelists were expected to be entertaining and witty and mostly talked about their books. Bouchercon and Malice are fan conventions while SleuthFest is a writers’ conference. SF has a forensics track and workshops for different levels of writing, along with editor/agent appointments.

The one thing these events have in common? Writers hang out at the bar, the hospitality lounge, or the dealers’ room and network like crazy. Costly swag gets picked up along with candy and pens. Bookmarks and other papers lay around the promo tables like unloved orphans.

And then I attended Necronomicon, my first SciFi/Fantasy/Horror convention. Lo and Behold! Another culture shock! In many ways, this convention was similar to the mystery cons. The panels were professional and moderated by a host. Aspiring authors attended in abundance. Instead of a forensics track like at a mystery writers conference, this convention had a science track led by scientist guests. However, here’s the biggest difference: Gamers. One darkened breakout room held 3 rows of computers where people sat  playing Halo. Other guys sat at round tables absorbed in role playing games.

Workshops went on into the wee hours of the night. I was scheduled to speak on three panels and had to request the organizer not to book me after dinner. Authors who paid for a spot in Author’s Alley sat at tables in a hallway and sold their own books. The Dealers’ Room was similar to the ones at mystery cons, where authors hope one of the vendors has their books for sale or else we make a consignment deal. I noted only one bookseller at this convention. Most of the vendors sold jewelry, games, and other knickknacks.

All in all, this conference was a valuable introduction to an entirely new audience. The panels were interesting as well as stimulating, and parties ranged into the night if you were so inclined. Check out my personal blog for more photos and reports on the panels I attended. Keep in mind that this was not like the big SciFi cons where TV and movie stars attend and people roam around in costumes. There was a costume contest, but it was one night only. This felt more like a writers conference aimed at SciFi/Fantasy authors.

Would I attend again? The jury is still out on that one. While the conference was comped for me since I was a speaker, I still paid over $500 for a hotel room. I sold two books. Granted, this audience is more likely to order the ebook version, but would I spend that money again instead of attending a conference that targets mystery or romance fans? We’ll see. The exposure to a new crowd is always good, and I had a great time meeting new people. I guess as in any choices we have, it depends on the budget.

If you have crossed genres, were you surprised by the differences at the conferences you attended?

Books To Films

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Do you read a book and then go to watch the movie, or vice versa? Have you enjoyed a film and then rushed to buy the book for a more in-depth experience? I am more of the latter persuasion. I’ve bought a number of books based on movies/TV shows I’ve seen first.

For example, I became a fan of Legend of the Seeker, a fantasy series on TV based on Terry Goodkind’s Sword of Truth books. It interested me enough to try his first title, Wizard’s First Rule. What’s it about?

        Wizard's First Rule (The Sword of Truth)

Richard is a simple woodsman until his father is killed and he learns of his destiny as The Seeker of Truth. Reminding me at times of Star Wars (Episode IV) due to the hero’s journey structure of the novel (see Christopher Vogler’s The Writer’s Journey), I didn’t want to put the book down. The world building is so detailed that you feel you’re there. What keeps you turning pages, aside from the evil Darken Rahl’s attempts to kill Richard and the other nefarious creatures he encounters, is the forbidden love story between Richard and Kaylan. This weaves a spell on you to see if they can defeat the magic that keeps them apart. Their love is the driving force throughout the entire series. I’ve read everything Goodkind has written to date and eagerly await the next installment in his newest series.

I am happy to be a fan of some YA shows, too. Both my husband and I were enthralled by City of Ember, a YA scifi story and book one in The Books of Ember by Jeanne DuPrau. Twelve year olds Doon Harrow and Lina Mayfleet live in a mysterious city that depends solely upon a generator for light and power. When the lights begin to flicker and the city experiences blackouts, they know something is terribly wrong. They discover an old document that may provide clues to the city’s origins and an escape route beyond the forbidden boundary.

 City of Ember                       The City of Ember (Books of Ember)  

The Alex Rider series by Anthony Horowitz is another one my husband and I both got hooked on after seeing the film, Alex Rider: Operation Stormbreaker. Alex Pettyfer was cute as the teen spy in this action flick reminiscent of James Bond. Teenager Alex Rider is recruited by British Intelligence after his uncle, a spy, is murdered. Coerced into completing Uncle Ian’s mission, Alex proves his aptitude for the job. With his martial arts training, language skills, and courage, he is more than worthy of the role. We ran out to buy Stormbreaker, the first book in the series, after seeing this movie and now have all the rest of the books on our shelves.

 Alex Rider             Stormbreaker (Alex Rider)

After a glimpse at The Hunger Games, I am tempted again to read the book to fill in the thoughts and emotional reactions that are not evident in the film.


So which comes first for you—the movie or the book?