Happy Saturday, TKZers. Let’s welcome a brave author who has provided us with the opening page of a fantasy novel. I’ll have comments afterward, and then you can weigh in with your thoughts as well.
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Chapter 1
‘Are you sure you know what you’re doing?’ Eneya said in a hushed voice.
She peaked from behind a glowing statue carved of ruby stone and scanned the bright temple. There was still no one in sight, but she didn’t expect this to last.
‘I told you, I’ve been practising,’ Agalik huffed.
He blew air up to get his blond fringe out of his eyes as he crouched by a door. The lockpicks in his hands clanked and rattled as he explored the keyhole. With a sharp snap, the door opened.
‘I can’t believe this,’ Eneya snickered, and the two sneaked inside. ‘This city won’t be safe with you unleashed like this.’
‘I don’t intend to make it a habit. Funny how to become a good person who behaves normally, I first need to break rules like a criminal.’
‘Striving to avoid misery and shame is barely a crime in my opinion,’ Eneya said. ‘Besides, if we heal your condition now, your family will never complain from you again.’
Agalik and Eneya closed the door behind them and blinked a few times till their eyes adjusted to the dim lighting. Before them stretched the long, dusty rolls of stone bookshelves in the underground, windowless library. Agalik stepped forward, both thrilled and terrified of being here.
‘Well, come on then!’ Eneya grabbed him by the hand and pulled him inside. ‘Let’s find what we need before one of the oracles shows up!’
As they made their way between the stone bookshelves, several fiery orbs the size of oranges chased and followed them, casting a spotlight. Agalik waved a hand and said, ‘Can’t we make these things leave us alone?’
‘Not unless you’re a fire sorcerer and control them. They’re just here to give us light. Ignore them. So, what are we looking for again?’
Eneya’s caramel-coloured fingers traced the fine leather spines of the forbidden tomes they weren’t meant to read.
‘Try and find any books on foreign curses. I’ll look up magical diseases,’ Agalik said.
‘Yes. Let’s pick up anything useful and get out. We can go to the palace’s garden afterwards. The Grand General won’t spot us there.’
‘What if she learns we’ve been here? What story do we tell?’ Agalik asked.
‘You leave that to me. I won’t let her swap you for a different grandson, I promise!’
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All right, I’m back. First, my overview.
This looks to be a secondary world fantasy, with a high fantasy feel, meaning it’s set in another world where magic is common.
Eneya and Algalik are breaking into a temple in order to find a means to heal Algalik’s unnamed “condition’ in the temple library. We see magical floating torch-like creatures who follow our two characters, and Eneya is concerned about avoiding “the oracles.” We learn Algalik is the grandson of a prominent general in this city, and that he sees himself as having to commit a crime (breaking into a temple library) in order to become good. Once in the library, he tells his companion to pick up any books on foreign curses, so now we know he’s cursed.
So, we have two characters, striving to achieve a goal, in a scene which stays focused on the two of them.
From the way this plays out, I’m left with the impression that both are young, and not normally thieves, given they apparently didn’t rehearse the break-in.
This feels like it could be young adult, but equally could be an adult high fantasy, which can have younger main characters.
Plot: Breaking into a temple library to find a cure for a curse is a great hook, but there’s minimal tension here. Agalik picks the lock (surprisingly noisily to me) and they slip into the library, followed by floating magical light sources. Eneya is concerned about avoiding the oracles but we don’t learn what they are. Given the seeming gravity of this break-in, it’s surprising Eneya doesn’t recall what they are looking for. If this theft is very much a spontaneous action, we need to know that. Certainly that would explain Eneya’s snickering over Agalik using a lockpick, but assuming locks are common here, would she really be surprised? At the same time, she’s in a hurry to avoid the already mentioned oracles. The pair begin looking through the library for anything to do with solving curses.
Opening lines: The scene opens with dialogue. We often talk at TKZ about how dialogue can be an effective opening. “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” does make us curious.
The curse is the reason for the break-in, and getting a better idea of what the curse is would increase tension, especially if it’s something manifesting physically in the victim, such as a possible transformation into a “monster,” a change in behavior etc. Showing the curse in action would be certainly complicate the break in.
One question with openings in general to ask yourself is, is this right door into the story? PJ Parrish’s post on that very topic is well worth reading. I think the current opening could work well, provided we have more tension and focus on the curse. That would provide a strong opening disturbance.
‘I told you, I’ve been practising,’ Agalik huffed.
He blew air up to get his blond fringe out of his eyes as he crouched by a door. The lockpicks in his hands clanked and rattled as he explored the keyhole. With a sharp snap, the door opened.
We had Agalik “huffing,” implying he’s annoyed. However, the next sentence has him in fact blowing his fringe (bangs) out of his eyes. I suggest writing Agalik said rather than huffed.
“Clanking and rattling” would be too loud for lockpick tools. Now, this is a fantasy world, and we need to be careful about applying Earth analogs to everything, so having this lock function more like an 18th century and later tumbler lock can work, as opposed to the “wards” commonly used, for example, in Medieval monasteries (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warded_lock). The sound of picking a tumbler lock might be soft clicking or soft metallic snicking sound, and then a louder click when the lock opens.
Point of view: The point of view varies in this opening. In the third sentence we are told, There was still no one in sight, but she didn’t expect this to last, which gave me the feeling we were in Eneya’s POV.
However, toward the end of this first page we read, Eneya’s caramel-coloured fingers traced the fine leather spines of the forbidden tomes they weren’t meant to read. This is from outside Eneya’s POV. (Also, unless her fingers can read via touch, the last part doesn’t make sense. If this is some sort of fantasy braille, then by all means show us the sensation of her fingers brushing the spines.)
At times the POV is camera eye or at best spare omniscient — mostly we see and experience the two characters from outside. We are told that Agalik is both terrified and thrilled.
While a full-on omniscient viewpoint would be an option, a deeper third person, seen through the eyes of one of these characters would place the reader much more firmly in this scene. It seems to be that Eneya is meant to be the main character, but I’m not sure.
Immersion: Giving us at least another sense along with sight and sound will make the story more immersive. How does those books spines feel to Eneya, for instance? What does the interior of the temple smell like? For example, is there the faint lingering scent of incense, or a burnt offering?
Dialogue: The dialogue does have an easy flowing banter, however, it suffers from expositional exchanges where the two characters are telling each other what they already know for the audience’s benefit. We’ve had a lot of discussion at TKZ about how to handle dialogue. This post by James Scott Bell gives excellent advice on handling exposition in dialogue. Elenya’s dialogue is fairly jokey while Agalik is more serious. Given he has a curse of some sort they are striving to find a cure for which involves breaking into a temple, Elenya’s humor feels misplaced, though this could be an opportunity for characterization to show when she’s nervous she hides it by making jokes.
Style note: British/Canadian spelling here—practising, colour etc., as well as British punctuation for dialogue–i.e. single quote marks to enclose dialogue rather than the American practice of double quotation marks.
A couple of errors I noticed: The word peeked in the second sentence is misspelled as peaked. Also, in the dialogue passage, ‘Besides, if we heal your condition now, your family will never complain from you again,’ it seems like from should be about.
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Okay, TKZers, that’s my two cents. The floor is now open for your comments, feedback, and suggestions. Brave writer, thank you for your submission. I hope this proves helpful and you keep writing.
Fantasies are great fun. I hope my remarks will be helpful.
Yes, opening in dialogue is good. Even better, if the content hooks the reader.
Example: “Put down that wrench!” (Heinlein, “Blowups Happen.”)
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” doesn’t engender confidence in the characters. It’s banter.
She peaked from behind a glowing statue carved of ruby stone and scanned the bright temple. There was still no one in sight, but she didn’t expect this to last.
For clarity, I like to be shown into a location in the order the character observes it: There was no one in sight as they approached the temple, but someone might come at any moment. They dashed down the shadowy stairs to the below-ground entrance, where Eneya paused behind a moss-covered statue and looked behind them. Still no one.
The lock opens with a snap.
I, too, would like the curse onstage, up front. Not every story needs a prologue, but one might work well, here.
If there was anything I never considered making of stone, it would be bookshelves.
That’s enough from me. It looks like a good story, so far.
Great comments, JG. Thanks for weighing in.
Thank you for submitting this page, Brave Author. Dale is knowledgeable about the fantasy genre (and lots of other genres, too, being a retired librarian!) and his advice is excellent.
The stakes promise to be compelling but I too wanted more detail about the curse earlier.
Agalik comes across as the main character b/c he has the problem. He’s apparently shunned by his family and wants to gain acceptance but has to get out from under the curse to attain that. That makes him a more interesting POV character than Eneya who sounds like the wise-cracking sidekick.
As Dale mentioned, more smells would add to building the world of a locked library of secret knowledge.
Nice work, Brave Author, and best of luck!
Excellent point about Agalik being the main character because he has the problem. Brave author, Debbie’s observation is a vital one. If this is true, I recommend having this scene through his POV, and any scene where him trying to solve his problem drives the action.
Thank you, Brave Author, for submitting!
I should first be clear that I don’t read fantasy, so I’m not coming at this from the perspective of one familiar with the genre. But I enjoyed the read & here are my thoughts, for whatever it’s worth:
1) I noted the differences in spelling, such as “practising” vs. practicing.
2) “He blew air up” – just letting you know this threw me off very briefly but then I immediately got a clear visual image of him blowing hair out of his eyes. I think the minor blip was just that when you read about something blowing up, you’re thinking ‘boom’. No biggie.
3) A bigger issue that threw me out of the flow of this first page was location of the characters in question. The scene begins with Eneya who “peaked from behind a glowing statue” as she is speaking in a hushed voice. But in the 4th paragraph, Agalik is breaking and entering. If they are doing something sneaky, and Eneya is whispering in hushed tones, how did they suddenly get from the statue to a building? Or is the lock being picked literally within the statue they are hiding behind? Or, if SHE is behind the statue and she’s talking to him at the BUILDING, then it doesn’t seem feasible she’d be speaking with him in hushed tones, barring some explanation of unusual acoustics.
4) Enjoyed the easy banter between the 2 characters.
5) Wondered if “Striving to avoid misery and shame is barely a crime in my opinion” could be said shorter and pithier, perhaps?
6) “complain from you” didn’t make sense. Assumed you meant “complain about you”
7) “long dusty rolls of stone bookshelves” – I assume you means rows of shelves?
8) We start out in Eneya’s POV, but then it switches to Agalik who is “thrilled and terrified” of being there.
9) When I read “You leave that to me. I won’t let her swap you for a different grandson, I promise!” the thought that immediately came to mind was “Grandson? It sounded like they were friends, not related.” Upon reading Dale’s evaluation of the submission, I realize I misread the paragraph and that it referred to Agalik being related to the Grand General. But for whatever reason, I didn’t pick up on that. I think I took it more like the piece was suddenly saying that Agalik was a relative of Eneya & that she & her grandson were on this adventure and that she wouldn’t let Grand General change out her grandson. I’m not sure it’s worth changing especially if I’m the only one who misunderstood, but I’m just sharing what my thought process was in the moment.
Except for those minor points, I enjoyed the opening page. I don’t need “the world is on fire” tension–you have a page that opens with 2 people obviously doing something they shouldn’t be doing; fiery orbs following them; and evidently Agalik is related to some high ranking person so the potential to get in trouble if discovered is high stakes, even if the opening banter is light.
Thanks for submitting!
Thanks for your feedback, BK. It’s important to note minor points as well as any potential major ones, and also that you enjoyed this first page.
Brenda, I too was confused about the relationships but am willing to wait a couple of pages for the author to clear that up.
I’m having problems with fiery orbs as a light source in a library filled with flammable books. I agree with all the suggested tweaks others have mentioned. It’s a pretty good start.
That’s a good point about fire in a library 🙂 If this is a “cold” magical fire, that needs to be mentioned.