By John Gilstrap
I pen this week’s post from Bakersfield, California, where I’m teaching a two-day seminar on safety and health issues in the recycling industry. It’s a great class so far, packed with a lot of motivated and enthusiastic students. The fact that it took me 17 hours to get here, thanks to Mama Nature doesn’t take away from my enjoyment of the process, but it does mean that I’m tired. With tired comes cranky.
And nothing spins me up quite like unsolicited recorded phone calls.
I felt my pocket buzzing while I was in the middle of my lecture and of course ignored it because, well, I was in the middle of my lecture. During the break, I looked at my phone and found an 866 number, identified as “unknown.” I remember a friend of mine telling me about online reverse phone lookup websites that can identify unknown and scam callers, and would have saved me a lot of time!
I called the number back and reached a recorded greeting that told me, “be aware that we are a debt collector.” I suspected that it was either a scam or a wrong number, so after a minute or two on hold, I hung up and went back to work.
Then I got to thinking. This has been the year of compromised credit cards for us. It’s happened at least four times. While we’re current on all our bills, was it possible that something slipped through? There’s also the matter of a denied medical claim that we’re still negotiating with the insurance company. Could that be the problem? I really wish I’d just known how to check phone number ownership, it could have saved me such a headache.
They called back when I could actually take the call, and it turns out that a Mr. and Mrs. Ngyuen are behind on their house payments. The call goes like this:
“If this is Mr. or Mrs. Ngyuen, press one. If not, press two.”
I press two.
“If you need a moment to bring them to the phone, press one. If this is the wrong number, press two.”
I press two.
“If you want to stop receiving these phone calls, press one.”
I press one. (Really. Does anyone NOT want to stop receiving these calls?)
“To be removed from the call list, you must talk to a customer service representative. Please hold.”
I hold. For six minutes, being told regularly how important my phone call is.
Finally, a young man answers, “Hello?”
“Hello?” I say. “Really? That’s it? Hello?”
“Who is this?” he asks.
“You called me,” I say.
“Are you looking for the modification department?”
“I don’t know what a modification department is. I’m calling to be taken off your list.”
“What list?”
“The one you called me from.”
“I’m sorry, sir, I think you have the wrong number.”
“It can’t be the wrong number,” I say. “I pressed one.”
“One what?”
“The number one. You called me. Your recording told me to press one to get taken off the list. I can’t have called a wrong number.”
“Oh,” he says. “Let me pass you to someone who can take you off the list.”
“What list?” I ask.
“Huh?”
“I few seconds ago, you didn’t know what the list is. How are you going to take me off of it if you don’t know what it is?”
“I’ll transfer you to someone.”
“Let me talk to your supervisor.”
“I’ll transfer you to someone.”
“You’re not listening. I’m already talking to someone. Another someone doesn’t do me any good. I want to talk to your supervisor.”
“He’s not available.”
“I’ll talk to his supervisor, then.”
“Please hold.”
I endure three more minutes of assurances that my call is important.
“Um, sir? They weren’t available.”
“Your supervisor’s supervisor?”
“No sir. Someone else.”
“So if someone’s not there, that means no one’s there. Are you in a room by yourself?”
“No, sir.”
“Then someone must be there.”
“Sir, if you can just give me your phone number, we can take you off the list.”
“The right list? The one I want to be taken off of?”
“Yes, sir.”
“The list you don’t know.”
“Yes, sir.”
“And you can guarantee that I’ll be removed.”
“I think so.”
I give him the number. “And what about the Ngyuens?” I ask.
“Excuse me?”
“The Ngyuens. The ones who are behind on their payments. Someone should call them and let them know.”
“Um.”
“They’re not at this number. I think we’ve established that.”
“They must have had that number before you.”
“This is a cell phone. I’ve had this number for over ten years.”
“Sir, I’ll tell the right person, and they’ll take the number off the list.”
“Okay,” I say. “I don’t want to have this conversation again.”
“I understand, sir. Neither do I.”





