Elaine Viets
TSTL – Too Stupid To Live.
Characters who deliberately put themselves in danger.
In movies, TSTL is usually a big-boobed, small-brained blonde who hears a funny noise in the basement. A serial killer is on the loose, but she runs downstairs without a weapon, without fear, and without many clothes – and is hacked to bits.
Cozy mysteries are brutally bashed for TSTL females, but both genders are equally guilty.
TSTL is alive and thriving in dicklit: The cop who goes after the desperate killer without calling the dispatcher – or his partner. The private eye who goes alone into the building to get the murderer because a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Besides, he has his trusty Glock.
These writers aren’t taken to task for TSTL quite as often. But it’s safe to say that TSTL thrives in all forms of the mystery genre.
Readers want to kill authors who rely on TSTL stunts.
In A Dog Gone Murder, my new Josie Marcus, Mystery Shopper mystery, I worked hard to avoid TSTL syndrome. Josie mystery-shops dog daycare centers. She investigates Uncle Bob’s Doggy Day Camp, known for its commercials featuring Uncle Bob. She discovers that Bob was more of a dog than anyone knew — he’d been kicked out of the house for having an affair, and he runs with a dubious crowd. When he winds up dead, there’s a long list of suspects. The police arrest Frank, her mother’s tenant. Josie believes he’s innocent, and she has to find the proof that someone else killed Bob.
She can’t take her friend Alyce with her, either. This time her best friend has morning sickness.
Josie says she’ll let Frank’s lawyer go after the killer. She just wants information from some people who knew the murdered man – his employee, Heidi. A customer named Sharon, and Bob’s estranged wife, Candice. Here’s a scene from A Dog Gone Murder:
“I got information about all three on the Internet,” Josie said. “I even have Google Earth photos of their streets. Candice lives on a rich street in Summerdale. Heidi’s street is nicely in the middle and Sharon’s is on the skids.
“But they all have one thing in common.”
“What?” Alyce said.
“Every neighborhood has its own Mrs. Mueller. The neighborhood busybody who watches everyone and every thing.”
“And how will you find her?” Alyce asked.
“Easy. She’ll be watching her neighbors. I’ll look for the twitching curtain or the miniblind slat raised by one careful finger – the telltale signs of a snoop at work. Then I’ll get her started by saying the women are applying for a new job and I need background information. They’ll see it as their duty to tell me everything they know. Then I’ll knock on my suspects’ doors for a quick chat.”
“But the local gossip will see you do that,” Alyce said.
“Both Sharon and Heidi live in apartment buildings. I can say I’m interviewing more neighbors in their buildings. As for Candice, we’re clients of Uncle Bob’s. I’ll pay my respects for her recent loss.”
“Still TSTL, Josie.”
“What’s that?”
“Too Stupid To Live,” Alyce said. “I hate those movies where the woman says, ‘Gee, I think I hear a serial killer in the barn. I’m going out to take a look.’ Then she goes outside and he hacks her to death with a hatchet. You are not confronting a killer by yourself. You need back-up, but I can’t leave home at this stage.”
“Oh, lord, I was so wrapped up in this investigation,” Josie said, “I forgot to ask about you. How are you feeling?”
“Still living on ginger ale and soda crackers,” Alyce said. “I’m not doing much cooking. Even the smell of food makes me queasy. This stage won’t last, Josie. It will be over soon. But if you insist on this harebrained scheme, you’ll make me sick with worry. I can’t risk that in my condition.”
“Alyce Bohannon! Are you hitting me with the pregnancy card?”
“I’ll do whatever I have to if it slaps some sense into you,” Alyce said. “You’re a mother with a tween daughter. You have a husband. You’re not going off on this crazy mission.”
“But –”
“The only way I’ll allow it is if you take me with you,” Alyce said.
“How can I do that?” Josie said.
“Use your cell phone. Call me when you get to the first house and keep your cell phone on in your pocket. That way I can hear what’s happening. If there’s a problem – if you scream or I hear that you’re being threatened, I’ll call the police on my land line.”
“If I see the local busybody first, she’ll be watching me, too. That will make me doubly safe. It could work,” Josie said.
“It will have to work,” Alyce said. “Otherwise, I’ll call Ted and your mother and you’ll have to deal with both of them.”
Does it work? Read A Dog Gone Murder and find out.
A Dog Gone Murder, my 10th Josie Marcus Mystery Shopper mystery, will be published Nov. 4 as an e-book and a $7.99 paperback. Preorder your copy here http://tinyurl.com/q5dlhlj











