Kathryn Lilley, TKZ

Today we’re reviewing the first page of a story called THE CASE OF THE MISSING YACHT, submitted anonymously for critique. As usual, my comments follow the submission. Please add  your feedback and constructive criticism in the comments. Thanks!

THE CASE OF THE MISSING YACHT

The sign on the door of my Georgetown office said “Vic Jones, Finder of Lost Items.” You might say I’m the St Anthony of DC. I was logging the details of my last case and anticipating an early start on a liquid-refreshed weekend when Mr. Double-Breasted-with-Cravat flounced in blathering about his lost yacht. Gee, I was mildly impressed; until now I didn’t know anyone who owned a yacht.

He was an odd little man, heavy around the bottom, narrow shoulders, thinning hair, and a Groucho Marx-style mustache. He talked non-stop seemingly without taking a breath.

“You’re looking for a big boat, right?” I cut off his monologue; I couldn’t stand it another second. “Who has time to play with boats? A grown man like you ought to be working the mean streets making a decent living.”

“I do make a decent living, young lady,” he went all indignant. “How do you think I can afford a yacht?”

I reached over the desk and laid a stinger across that fat face of his. I don’t care much for back-talk.

His eyes went moist as uncertainty registered followed by a flash of terror. His hand covered the enforced blush spreading over his cheek. What do you think, too forward on our first encounter? He backed way and mumbled, “Perhaps another time.”

“Take a seat.” I said, and noted his hesitancy. “What’s the matter; did I muss your hair? You were saying something about a lost yak?”

“Yacht,” he corrected me. He settled into my wide leather chair, the one that gets clients to relax and unwind. I want folks to feel at home, you know?

“It’s not big as far as yachts go,” he continued, and produced a picture of a sixty-five foot Sea Ray. He stared longingly at his newly departed love while putting up a brave front for me.

“Whatever.” I got down to business with my usual services-and-expenses spiel. He didn’t blink for a full ten seconds as he weighed my fee against the loss of his new toy. Finally he swallowed and gave me a brief nod. I smiled demurely at my new client.

“Do I call you Ms. Jones?”

“Mizz? Only if you’re tired of chewing with teeth. Vic will do nicely.”

“Mitch Goldberg. Pleased to meet you, I’m sure.” We shook hands. I could tell he was warming to me.

My Comments: 

First Things First: the Title

I’m assuming that the title, THE CASE OF THE MISSING YACHT, is simply a working title that will be changed down the road. It rings a tad old-school cozy. But kudos to our brave author for using a placeholder that is more original than UNTITLED.

Pacing and Characterization

I immediately liked the bright, breezy voice of the narrator. The scene flowed along at a lively pace. One nit: The character’s name, “Vic,” made me visualize a male narrator at the beginning of this page. I had to revise my mental image of the main character at the end, when I read the reference to “Miss.” I would suggest reworking the first few paragraphs to avoid creating potential confusion in the reader’s mind.

Avoid Throwing Readers into Full Stop

When a reader has to slow down in order to understand something, he may stop reading. Minor example: some people might not have the background to understand the reference to Saint Anthony as written here. The writer might want to consider adding a clarifying phrase to avoid leaving those readers in the dark. (Even if most of your readers know full well who Saint Anthony was, there’s always someone who doesn’t and has to figure it out from context. Like me).

Another area of potential confusion: I came to a Full Stop when I read the following sentence:

I reached over the desk and laid a stinger across that fat face of his.

I wasn’t sure what “stinger” meant (although I assume it meant a face-slap). In any case, having the character slap the visitor’s face struck me as reaching and a bit over the top.

A Note About the Dialogue 

I had a couple of issues with the flow of dialogue between the two characters in this scene. I had to backtrack when I hit the following lines, to figure out which character was speaking.

He spoke nonstop without taking a breath.

“You’re looking for a big boat, right?”

Because the dialogue is interjected after a reference to the yacht owner being a motormouth, I first assumed it was the guy who was speaking. Every time a reader has to pause to sort out confusion or wrong assumptions, there’s a risk of losing the reader’s interest in continuing reading.

For great tips about handling dialogue and other gnarly, craft-related issues, I recommend that the writer read DON’T MURDER YOUR MYSTERY by Chris Roerden.

A Bland Setup Causes Readers to Jump Ship

Overall, I wasn’t drawn in by the scenario presented on this first page, primarily because the setup wasn’t sufficiently intriguing or compelling. When Vic said “Whatever” in response to hearing about the yacht-owner’s plight, I found myself nodding in agreement. A rich bozo’s smallish yacht has disappeared: why should I care? There needs to be something more intriguing at stake to engage the reader’s interest; this first page needs to give a hint of what’s to come. Otherwise the reader, like Vic, will simply jump ship with a shrug and a “Whatever.”

Thank you to our brave writer for submitting this page. What comments can you add for the writer of THE CASE OF THE MISSING YACHT?