Another brave writer submitted their first page for critique. See ya on the flip-side.
Title: My Girl is a Dog
Genre: Mystery/Thriller
CHAPTER ONE
A Sunday morning on a snow-covered mountain trail, as I walked and dwelled on past sins and future amends, Girl hunted.
An old navy peacoat and flannel-lined jeans kept me warm. Girl always has her malamute-shepherd thick coat of hair.
Between her forays into the pines in search of prey, we played her favorite winter game: dig into a snowbank to follow my scent and retrieve snowballs. Girl has a soft mouth—until she kills.
When I threw another snowball, she veered away, dug deep into a different snowbank, and returned with a ski glove clamped in her mouth.
“Smart dog. Someone lost their glove. Let’s go. We’re short on time; things to do at the store today.” I wedged the glove in a pine tree branch and headed toward a meadow where animal tracks crisscross the snow and Girl runs in circles.
But her guttural vocals, dog-talk I call it, told me to turn around.
“What’s wrong?”
I followed her to the hole she dug, expecting to find another glove. Girl once found a purse buried in the snow; instead of a glove or purse, I saw a bare hand and forearm: black hair and white skin. I wondered if Girl pulled the ski glove off the hand as I touched the wrist—thick and cold—no pulse. After clearing more snow, I uncovered a shoulder tattooed in cursive: SEXUEL TABOU.
I brushed snow off the face: a mustached man, a stranger. And I wondered if what the tattoo implied tied to his being dead, at least half-naked, and buried in the snow.
My breath clouded in the frigid air as I pulled out my cellphone—no signal. I needed to call 911 from the truck.
A stark, contrasting memory of the last pulse I checked—five years ago, an unconscious man prone on a Mexican dive bar floor after he cut me with a knife and I busted a beer bottle over his head and held the jagged edge to his throat—accompanied me down the snow-covered trail.
I checked that guy’s pulse out of self-interest to ensure I hadn’t killed him. Then I walked out of the bar into a dusty street under a hot-as-hell sun and onto a bus heading out of town, leaving a job as a deckhand on a sportfishing boat without notice or collecting pay. Better than getting locked up again.
***
Brave Writer, we have a little colon/semicolon problem that needs to be addressed. With a few rare exceptions, they’re not necessary in fiction. If you pretend they don’t exist, you won’t use them as a crutch. That’s not a dig, btw. There isn’t a writer alive who doesn’t have crutch words, phrases, or punctuation they fall back on. The trick is learning our crutches so we can kill our darlings during edits.
Let’s dive right in…
A Sunday morning on a snow-covered mountain trail (Is the day of the week important? If it is, fine. If it isn’t, delete), as I walked (use a stronger verb. Hiked?) and dwelled on past sins and future amends, [my dog] Girl hunted. Added “my dog” for clarity.
An old navy peacoat and flannel-lined jeans kept me warm. Girl [had a] always has her malamute-shepherd thick coat of hair.
Between her forays into the pines in search of prey, we played her favorite winter game: (change colon to em dash) dig into a snowbank to follow my scent and retrieve snowballs. Girl has a soft mouth—until she kills. <– Here’s your opening line.
When I threw another snowball, she veered away, dug deep into a different snowbank, and returned with a ski glove clamped in her mouth.
Condense all of the above, like this…
My dog Girl has a soft mouth—until she kills.
On the snowy hiking trail of Mount Whatever, Girl slalomed around pine trees in search of prey. I threw a snowball for her to fetch, but she returned with a ski glove instead.
“Smart dog. Someone lost their glove. Let’s go. We’re short on time; things to do at the store today.”
With only a pet character to chat with, be careful your dialogue doesn’t become too on-the-nose. Less is more. Example: “Huh. That’s odd. Somebody must be looking for it.”
I wedged the glove between two in a pine tree branches and headed (be precise. Hiked, clomped, plodded, lumbered, strode…) toward a meadow where animal tracks crisscrossed the snow and Girl runs ran in circles (if she’s running in circles, she’s not digging a hole, yet you say she dug a hole three lines below. Easy fix. End the sentence after “snow”).
But her Girl’s guttural vocals, dog-talk I called it, told (alerted?) me to turn around.
“What’s wrong?”
Girl bounced on her front paws, then took off, glancing over her shoulder every few seconds to ensure I followed (to give her some personality).
I followed her to the hole she dug, expecting to find another glove. Girl once found a purse buried in the snow.; instead of a glove or purse, I saw (saw is a telling word. Start the paragraph here –>) A bare hand and forearm protruded from a snowbank.: (lose the colons and semi-colons) Black hair, pale and white skin. I wondered (wondered is also a telling word. Rewrite into a question.) Did Girl pull the ski glove off the hand? as I touched the wrist—thick and cold—no pulse. (<– Nice!) After clearing more snow, I uncovered a shoulder tattooed in cursive.: Rather than that pesky colon, set the next line apart like this…
SEXUEL TABOU. (Do you mean Sexual? Also, don’t change fonts. Use italics instead.)
I brushed snow off the face: (you’re killing me with these colons!) a mustached man, a stranger. And I wondered (rewrite into a question to remove “wondered”) if what the tattoo implied tied to his being dead, at least half-naked, and buried in the snow.
Why would the MC assume the tattoo and his death are related? If it is a clue, don’t tell us yet. Let the reader wonder if there’s a connection and move on. Later, the MC can circle back to this clue. For more on how to use misdirection, read this post.
My breath clouded in the frigid air (<– great imagery) as I pulled out my cellphone—no signal. I needed to call 911 from the truck.
A stark, contrasting memory (reminder?) of the last pulse I checked. (Don’t use an em dash here. It muddies the sentence.) Five years ago, an unconscious man lay prone (you know prone means facedown, right?) on a Mexican dive bar floor after he cut me with a knife. (This paragraph and ones after it can all be summed up in two sentences. Otherwise, it’s a flashback, and it’s much too early for a flashback.) He’s the reason I left a good-paying job and fled to [insert where we are]. Better than getting locked up. Again (I separated Again into a staccato to give it a little added punch, but it’s also fine as one sentence).
Hope I wasn’t too hard on you, Brave Writer. My only goal is to help you succeed. Once you clean up the few issues I mentioned, you’ll have a compelling storyline. I’d flip the page to find out what happens next. Best of luck, Brave Writer!
Favorite line: My breath clouded in the frigid air…
TKZers, please add your suggestions/comments.
What do you think of the title? Would you turn the page?
If it were me and my dog found a body, I’d be running for the truck and freaking out about where the killer might be. Is it realistic to stand there and ruminate with a killer on the loose?
Depends on the main character. Perhaps the writer has him hang at the scene so that he is spotted by the killer, thereby kicking off the quest. Though it’s impossible to know for sure.
One minor note: to me cellphone sounds dated. When a character “pulls out” a “phone” we know what it is…and probably is a smart phone anyway.
True. It’s not a speed bump for me, but it may be for some readers.
Great critique, Sue.
Two things I would add: Switching back and forth from past tense to present repeatedly (2nd and 3rd paragraphs) felt awkward. Too many long sentences that I had to read twice to understand where the author was going. Minor things, and easily fixed.
The title doesn’t capture my interest. But, this first page would make me want to turn the page.
Follow Sue’s advice, Brave Writer, and you’ll have an excellent start to a compelling story.
Yeah, the switch in POV bothered me, too, Steve. Thanks for pointing that out. 🙂
The ‘Girl hunted’ part in first paragraph threw me off but in 2nd paragraph you explained who Girl was so okay. Only question is could someone be thrown off by that first paragraph enough to set the book down without reading further.
I was curious from reading your first page but the 2 things that were missing for me were:
1) WHERE is this? Is it some place in U.S.? Another country?
2) I wanted more of a sense of the narrator and who he was. An interesting line to me that made me wish I had a better sense of the character was “past sins and future amends”. I don’t know if this is a line you made up on the fly, or if it’s a common phrase. But if it is, it implies a bit of laid-back humor. I wondered alternately if it implies any particular ethnic or cultural background or perhaps is specific to a certain region. I presume narrator has at some point served in some navy somewhere by reference to the pea coat.
Was confused by the bit about a winter game to dig into a snowbank and follow (narrator’s) scent. How does throwing a snowball for a dog involve scent? If it’s that cold — narrator isn’t wearing gloves? (my desert dwelling self shudders at the thought. LOL!)
For me, the “until she kills” seemed a bit overly dramatic.
In this paragraph ending: “I wedged the glove in a pine tree branch and headed toward a meadow where animal tracks crisscross the snow and Girl runs in circles.” Seems like the sentence ought to have ended with crisscross the snow but I would again like a sense of place by understanding what KIND of animal tracks typically criss-crossed the snow. This narrator seems very familiar with their environment so I would expect them to know what animals are typical.
Confusion: After the sentence “Girl once found a purse buried in the snow; instead of a glove or purse…” it takes a couple reads before you realize the whole paragraph is not a memory, only the ‘found a purse’ in the snow bit. That’s where that punctuation Sue mentioned would be so handy to separate past memory from present scenario.
As a reader, I would be willing to read a few more pages before deciding if I was going to finish it. The main things for me were lack of being firmly entrenched in setting and the fact that you have the beginnings of an interesting POV character, but it’s reading a little muddled right now (something we all deal with as we write those first pages).
Best wishes to you as you continue on in your story’s journey!
All excellent points, Brenda. I felt lost without a firm sense of place, too.
Dear Author: A dead body in the woods is a great place to start. Please go over Sue’s suggestions, you will have a much better start.
To that. Does the dog really need to be named Girl? Sue cleans up the ambiguity I saw right away, but it does continue to create awkward (for me) story telling.
I Googled SEXUEL TABOU. Have you? Is this forest in a French speaking area? SEXUEL TABOU lead me into a host of x-rated movies. Sexual Taboo probably would as well, but I probably would not of Googled it. Just something to think about. If it is important later, by all means keep it. Perhaps make the tattoo more than just a pair of words.
As Mr. Bell pointed out, cellphone is dated. In the US it would be phone or maybe smartphone. Other places would call the phone in your pocket simply “mobile”. With the phone, Being out of range and having a dead battery are becoming literary crutches. Is there a reason to not have the ability to call the authorities right away? For timing, we are out in the woods. Telling the police where exactly you are could still be a challenge/delay.
Thanks for helping this writer, Alan. All excellent points.
I agree about Girl. No matter how many times I read it, the name continues to throw me. It may also cause problems later on if the MC encounters a nameless female.
I had no idea Sexuel Tabou was a real thing. Duh. LOL
“Girl barked and barked at girl” isn’t going to flow.
Haha. Exactly.
I got the sexuel tabou only because I’m taking Babbel French. (not that such words fall into my usual lessons…ha). So it didn’t come as a hiccup for me. In fact, it was intriguing. But it might confuse most folks, I would think. As we always say here, if you use foreign words, you have to find a way to gracefully “translate” them. Perhaps you can give the character a quick thought about it? Anyone seeing such a phrase tattooed on a dead man’s arm might pause and think what it meant.
Love that idea, Kris. It would’ve helped me. 😉
Brave Author, the situation is compelling. Sue’s suggestions are spot on (as always!).
I could hear Girl’s “dog talk.” Nice detail.
Lots of tattoos don’t get spell-checked so “sexuel tabou” didn’t bother me. I knew a WWII vet who went through life with a tattoo on his arm: “Rember Pearl Harbor.”
The character’s reaction to finding a half-naked body buried in snow seemed off in several ways.
First, there’s no shock or emotion. Even a hardened criminal would curse or think WTF.
Second, he shows no curiosity why the dead man is naked.
Third, If someone undressed the corpse, the glove would likely come off with the shirt or jacket sleeve and wouldn’t be on the hand unless it was deliberately replaced.
With only a little tweaking, this promises to be a gripping start. I would read on. Good luck, Brave Author!
That poor WWII vet! Imagine going through life with a typo? It’d drive me insane. LOL
Excellent points regarding the body and lack of emotion. Thanks, Debbie!
Agree about the lack of emotion when finding the body. I meant to include that in my reply but lost track of it as I was pondering the other things.
Congratulations, Brave Author. I think you have the beginnings of a good story. (A dead body is always a good start.) I had to stop and re-read the first sentence, and I chuckled when I understood the title.
In addition to Sue’s great suggestions and the others here, there were a couple of things I noticed.
First, I still don’t know if the MC is male or female. Did I miss that? Can you slip that information in somewhere?
Also, the last paragraph starts with “I checked that guy’s pulse out of self-interest to ensure I hadn’t killed him.” When i read it, I thought we were back to the guy in the snow. Then I realized it referred to the guy in the bar. I think changing the verb tense so it reads “I had checked that guy’s pulse out of self-interest to ensure I hadn’t killed him” would work better.
You’re right, Kay. I assumed male from the bar fight, but the MC could also be female. It should be made clear right away so the reader doesn’t have to guess.
Yikes. Me, too. I thought he was checking the corpse for a pulse!
Totally agree with everyone’s comments. This has so much potential! I agree with Debbie that the man (I assume it’s a man) should have shown some kind of emotion when the dog finds the body. If I’d served time, I’d be worried about being accused of the crime as well as the killer maybe being around..
Exactly, Patricia. Me too.
I’ll add my congratulations, Brave Author, to everyone else’s here. My biggest hurdle was that I assumed your MC was a female the whole way through the page, including your flashback. This is likely because I’m a fan of Paul’s Minuier’s Mercy Carr books and the Sydney Rye series which both feature strong heroines with a past and big shepherd dogs. Just saying “a pea coat and flannel-lined jeans” didn’t conjure up a male character in my mind. Either Mercy or Sydney could easily be wearing those as well.
The misspelled tattoo didn’t bother me but having the guy naked except for a ski glove was too odd. And I do think you need to have the MC show some kind of emotion even if it’s just his reaction to the cold, frozen skin.
But I think if you follow Sue’s excellent suggestions all will follow and I would definitely read on.
Thanks, Laura. Excellent point about a strong, female heroine. Gone are days where females only wear skirts or dresses, thank goodness.
Side Question: what’s the process to submit a first page for critique?
I find these so helpful.
Philip, submit your first page to killzoneblog@gmail.com. Find more details under the First Page Critiques tab in the menu. 🙂 So glad you find them helpful!
I’m torn about this submission. I like the set-up — a walk in the snow, dog finds frozen corpse. But as others have noted, there’s some confusion, the backstory about the bar seems out of place given the drama of finding a body. And I agree that the protag is something of a cipher — can’t tell if man or woman (I assumed the latter) and the lack of emotional reaction to finding a dead frozen body is disconcerting. Also, I wonder about the protag disturbing the body in situ — ie messing a scene and evidence. I think the protag would at least realize he/she shouldn’t be doing it. Just a thought…
Good thought. I agree. A stronger sense of place would also be helpful.
I’m late to the dance as usual.
I’m sort of partial to story starts where things start out normally and almost without seeing it, s**t starts to fall apart.
The misspelling of the tattoo was intentional I think, as it was suggestive of a person of foreign origin, maybe, although this could have taken place in Canada (?) anyway it added mystery for me. It could have been anything-my son’s got a Celtic cross on one arm and something from his time in the 101ABN on the other. The mystery might have been heightened if it was a tattoo indicating some sort of military service.
I didn’t have a problem with the name of the pooch either. My first cat was named Zero and she was all woman.
But the flashback about a fight in a bar had me guessing about how it fit into the story being told. Perhaps later on in the story the brave writer is telling the context for which this becomes apparent.
I think it’s difficult to run the table in a thousand words, to use a pool playing analogy.
On the other hand as John Dufresne says in his excellent TEDx talk, only trouble is interesting.
Or, as Leonard Gardner said in an interview fifty years after he wrote his only novel, Fat City,
“I never wanted to write about society people or something like that. I was interested in the rougher side of life. There’s something about struggling people, poor people, that’s dramatic. Struggle is dramatic. I’ve had friends who wrote pretty good novels about college boys and college professors. I didn’t dislike them. But it’s a matter of drama. For a lot of people, real life is a struggle. Maybe wealthy people suffer, but if you read a book about their suffering—a multimillionaire’s wife is divorcing him or something—it’s just different to me. It’s not as desperate as drama set in poverty.”
All that being, said it is a nifty bit of writing, and I look forward to the struggle and I would sure turn the page and buy the book.