Bulwer-Lytton 2024
Terry Odell
Following up Debbie’s post with some more humor, something I think is lacking in our lives these days. I’m sharing some of the winners of the 2024 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. These entries, I believe, are all of the human generated variety. If you’re unfamiliar with the contest, here’s the skinny from the website:
“Since 1982 the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest has challenged participants to write an atrocious opening sentence to the worst novel never written. The whimsical literary competition honors Sir Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830 novel Paul Clifford begins with “It was a dark and stormy night.”
The contest receives thousands of entries each year, and every summer our Panel of Undistinguished Judges convenes to select winners and dishonorable mentions for such categories as Purpose Prose and Vile Puns.”
2024 Grand Prize
**She had a body that reached out and slapped my face like a five-pound ham-hock tossed from a speeding truck.
Lawrence Person, Austin, TX
Grand Panjandrum’s Special Award
**Mrs. Higgins’ body was found in the pantry, bludgeoned with a potato ricer and lying atop a fifty-pound sack of Yukon golds, her favorite for making gnocchi, though some people consider them too moist for this purpose.
Joel Phillips, West Trenton, NJ
Crime & Detective
Winner
**She was poured into the red latex dress like Jello poured into a balloon, almost bursting at the seams, and her zaftig shape was awesome to behold, but I knew from the look on her face and the .45 she held pointing at me, that this was no standard client of my detective agency, but a new collection agency tactic to get me to pay my long-overdue phone bill.
Jack Harnly, Sarasota, FL
Dishonorable Mentions
**Magnus was in a tough spot…the Icelandic Police were pressing him to cough up the name of the top capo in each of the 3 main cities in which the Mafia operated—Reykjavik, Akureyri, and Middelf—threatening to lock him away for life if he didn’t, but he knew that if he ratted out the Reykjavikingur or the Akureyringur the Mob would kill him for sure—so he just gave them the Middelfingur.
Mark Meiches, Dallas, TX
(Personal note: I’ve actually been to Akureyri, but don’t ask me how to pronounce it.)
**That sweltering Friday evening she not so much walked but slithered into my shabby strip mall P.I. office, showing off all her curves, and I knew then I was in for a weekend of trouble because Dave’s Reptile Emporium next door, from which the ball python had escaped, was closed until Monday.
Douglas Purdy, Roseville, CA
**Staring unblinkingly into the pleading, tear-filled eyes of yet another dame looking for me to solve all her problems, I sighed, stretched, scratched my whiskers, stuck my hind leg in the air and bent my spine at a 45-degree angle to reach down and lick my butt clean, then donned my fedora—Taco, Cat Detective, was officially on the case.
Gwen Simonalle, Grenoble, France
There are many more categories. You can find everything here.
Any favorites? Have you ever entered?
New! Find me at Substack with Writings and Wanderings
When breaking family ties is the only option.
Madison Westfield has information that could short-circuit her politician father’s campaign for governor. But he’s family. Although he was a father more in word than deed, she changes her identity and leaves the country rather than blow the whistle.
Blackthorne, Inc. taps Security and Investigations staffer, Logan Bolt, to track down Madison Westfield. When he finds her in the Faroe Islands, her story doesn’t match the one her father told Blackthorne. The investigation assignment quickly switches to personal protection for Madison.
Soon, they’re involved with a drug ring and a kidnapping attempt. Will working together put them in more danger? Can a budding relationship survive the dangers they encounter?
Like bang for your buck? I have a new Mapleton Bundle. Books 4, 5, and 6 for one low price.
Terry Odell is an award-winning author of Mystery and Romantic Suspense, although she prefers to think of them all as “Mysteries with Relationships.”
I *like* “It was a dark and stormy night.” Maybe because it always makes me think of Snoopy. 😎
I think I lose interest in the entries because it’s nearly always about some femme fatale. Hope they take a different tack for 2025.
Honestly, I never had any problems with ‘dark and stormy night,’ probably because the first place I remember seeing it was with Snoopy.
It’s the opening line for one of my favorite children’s books, A Wrinkle in Time, which I still read on occasion. I have no problem with it if the weather actually plays a part in the “inciting incident.”
With apologies to BK, here is my all-time favorite entry:
With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.
Ha! Too bad it didn’t really defy description! 🙂
The cat entry surprised me… till I read the last line. LOL
Twists are always good!
Terry, there’s never enough humor in the world. Thanks for sharing these.
My faves:
The collection agent for the overdue phone bill. Great end twist.
Middelfingur. Clever set up with a terrific payoff.
I’m with you on the need for humor. I only shared the Crime/Detective category (which might be why there are so many references to femme fatales, BK). There are lots of laughs in the other categories as well.
Thanks for the giggles this morning, Terry. Needed it!
Taco, Cat Detective takes the prize in my book. Oy! Those French…
Hope y’all have a good one today. Keep smiling.
And there’s the added bonus that Taco Cat is a palindrome!
Oh, completely missed that! 🙂
Thanks for the chuckle this morning, Terry. I desperately needed it.
Another vote for the entry that gave the contest the Middelfingur. (Aside—I love Iceland. We visited there in 2019 and I very much want to return at some point.)
I’ve never entered the contest but I really need to give it a try.
Our son is doing a photography workshop circling Iceland in the near future.
I hit a few spots on our Arctic cruise.
When you enter B-L, you’ll have to let us know.
Thanks for adding a little humor to the day, Terry.
I liked the Grand Panjandrum’s Special Award winner. (I had to look up the meaning of panjandrum.)
Glad you enjoyed the morning chuckles, Kay.
I had to look it up, too, Kay.
(And, we have lots and lots of real-life examples, yes?)
🙂
I have entered, and in 2023, my husband and I got dishonorable mention in the Romance category. I usually send in a couple each year, because it’s fun. We look forward to reading the list of winners each year.
That’s so cool, Beth. Can you share your entry?
I entered this in a contest somewhere, not sure which one:
From her high-up window in the spider-infested attic of the old Suggins home―a run-down, ramshackle, hodge-podge of add-ons, lean-tos, and converted outbuildings that mercifully obscured the original structure, now devoid of paint these many decades―Becky Sue Suggins gazed out at the manure pile, the hen house, and, beyond that, the odoriferous pig sty, and wondered if it were true that she’d never own a brick privy, the dire fate often predicted for her by her unsympathetic father, Lafcadio Suggins, a man who knew the value of hard work and avoided it at every opportunity, but esteemed it highly in others.
Great, JG! Thanks for sharing.