Bulwer Lytton 2023
Terry Odell
A break for some fun. Here are some of the winners of the 2023 Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest. If you’re unfamiliar with the contest, here’s the skinny from the website:
“Since 1982 the Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest has challenged participants to write an atrocious opening sentence to the worst novel never written. The whimsical literary competition honors Sir Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830 novel Paul Clifford begins with “It was a dark and stormy night.”
The contest receives thousands of entries each year, and every summer our Panel of Undistinguished Judges convenes to select winners and dishonorable mentions for such categories as Purpose Prose and Vile Puns.”
I’m sharing only one category today, Crime and Detective.
Winner
The tall, slender seductress had Tom Pauley wrapped around her little finger, and she had James McGee hanging from a necklace, but the police were still waiting for the lab results to determine whose body parts she had used to make her earrings and that stunning tennis bracelet. Julian Calvin, Atlanta, GA
Dishonorable Mentions
Elsie was seated by the window overlooking the deserted boardwalk (the crime scene in this saga) holding the hand of her beloved Jeremy (the soon-to-be unwitting accomplice), when George (who you will soon learn is the murderer), suddenly opened the door to their cozy loft holding a cup of coffee and said, “This cup is for you, Elsie” —and this cup would of course be her last . . . but you do not know any of this yet. Frederick Ankowski, Santa Monica, CA
John was a police officer, and Mary was a serial killer, and just like that you think you know how that’s going to end, don’t you; well, John lived in New York and Mary lived in London, and they were both moderately afraid of airplanes, so I bet you’re not feeling like the brightest crayon in the box right now. Gloria Glau Burkstaller, Rome, Italy
Chief Homicide Inspector Gerald “the Bloodhound” McLean regarded the list of victims —a corporate litigator, an investment banker, a hedge-fund founder, and a Tony-winning playwright —and wondered what he could make of their only identifiable connection: membership in the long-dispersed punk rock band John Vomit and the Leather Scabs, rare copies of whose only record, “Picked Off the Litter,” now traded hands for a thousand bucks a pop on eBay. G. Andrew Lundberg, Los Angeles, CA
Officer Meyer Briggs burst into the bedroom and saw Professor Rorschach standing over the body of his mother, bloody knife in hand, “I swear it’s not what it looks like!” Rorschach exclaimed. Justin C. McCarthy, Cranston, RI
She waltzed into the place like a spring thaw, all flushed and bursting with promises of warm and cloying things to come but I stopped her in her tracks with a dream-grounding “This is a detective agency sweetcakes, not a dance studio.” Larry Nixon, Qualicum Beach, Canada
Under the skewering stare of DI Jack ‘Robin’ Redbreast, the culprit’s wits scattered like a patina of rain-startled spiders, leaving his fraught denials as nakedly unconvincing as Mick Jagger in a movie role. Tom Prentice, Dublin, Ireland
The second she stepped into my office I knew she was Trubble, Sarah Trubble, she was wearing a name tag and I’m a detective. Phil Saunders, Barrie, Canada
You can find all of the categories and winners here. Enjoy! Take a minute or two to browse the site and come back and share a favorite.
Have you ever entered? Would you like to?
Available Now
Deadly Relations.
Nothing Ever Happens in Mapleton … Until it Does
Gordon Hepler, Mapleton, Colorado’s Police Chief, is called away from a quiet Sunday with his wife to an emergency situation at the home he’s planning to sell. A man has chained himself to the front porch, threatening to set off an explosive.
Terry Odell is an award-winning author of Mystery and Romantic Suspense, although she prefers to think of them all as “Mysteries with Relationships.”
Always fun, Terry. My favorite winning entry is from years ago:
With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.
I remember that one, JSB. Thanks for sharing.
Sounds like it would be fun to enter.
Go for it! And share your entry.
I’m still laughing over the “Professor Rorschach” entry!🤣
Glad your day began with sustained laughter, Vera.
Thanks for that laugh to start my day.
You’re very welcome, BK.
Thanks for the humor, Terry. What a great way to start the day.
Hope the rest of the day goes as cheerfully, Steve.
Thanks for the laugh. When I can’t get myself to write, I start with, “It was a dark and stormy night.”
A great writing prompt, Michelle.
And you can’t go wrong with “It was a dark and stormy night” because it always makes me think of Snoopy. 😎
Snoopy is always the first writer I think of when I read that line!
Of course!
Thanks for a fun start to the day, Terry. I laughed out loud at several of them. I’m still chuckling over Rorschach.
And, for mystery writers, things are rarely what they seem.
A hilarious assortment of overwritten, dare I say purple at times, prose 😀 Thanks, Terry, this started my day off right.
“This is a detective agency sweetcakes, not a dance studio.”–perhaps my favorite, but it’s a tough call 🙂
I agree that it’s tough to pick a favorite. Imagine what the contest judges have to do!
The winner was well deserved: “whose body parts she had used to make her earrings and that stunning tennis bracelet.”
Thanks for the laughs, Terry.
Don’t think I’ll be adding those items to my jewelry box, Debbie.
Snorted coffee over this:
Buford The Bold was the last descendant of the proud Bold family and was particularly proud of how he chose to keep “The,” his father’s middle name.
Thanks, Terry! Hump Day was never so entertaining . . .
🙂
Glad to help get you through your week, Deb.
I’ve never entered, but have constructed several possibilities. My worst . . . with apologies:
“It was a dark and ominous night when the similarly dark telephone rang in the shadowy Sheriff’s office, and Deputy Baekeland, puffing cigar smoke toward the ceiling, turned down the Philco, picked up the black plastic receiver, and said, “Hello” expectantly, though definitely not expecting it to reply “KA-BOOM,” which it did, blowing itself to jonesereens and sending Baekeland plunging to the dark and grimy, linoleum-covered floor, except for the bits that stuck to the ceiling and the walls.”
Good one, JG – Thanks for sharing!
“Jonesereens” is a keeper… though I’m the Johnsons might take offense… (“Johnsonereens” just doesn’t come trippingly, off the tongue… though it DOES trip the tongue along the way…😋)
Thank you. Perhaps we should consider “Wangereens,” since there are almost 100 million Wangs on this planet.
Or, how about “Doe-areens”? Perfect for a murder . . .
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