Thoughts on Thoughts
Terry Odell
A recent read dealing with the way a debut author dealt with characters’ thoughts triggered this post.
This author handled things differently from my preferences, which pulled me out of the story. Not to say the author was wrong, but it slowed the read. The subject has made it to these pages before, but here’s my take. (For courtesy reasons, I’m not using examples from the author’s book.)
I’m a Deep POV person. Doesn’t matter if I’m writing first (rarely, but I’ve done it) or third (where I’m most comfortable, and which is almost first), I want readers to be inside the characters’ heads. The basic 5 senses are obvious, but how do we show what they’re thinking?
**Note: If you’re following the one POV character per scene “rule”, the reader should be well grounded and know who the POV character is, making it easy to know who’s thinking, but there are still techniques that can help.
When I auditioned narrators for my audiobooks, I gave them passages with dialogue, narrative, and internal monologue and told them I wanted it to be clear which was which for listeners. I had one auditioner come back with a “technique” he was very proud of that made it sound like the characters was in a tunnel for thoughts.
Having no formal education in the craft of writing, I went to workshops and conferences. One book that showed up on almost every presenter’s Suggested Reading list was Self Editing for Fiction Writers by Browne and King. Another handy booklet I picked up was Going Deep with Point of View by Suzanne Brockmann. Together, they laid the foundation for my approach to handling thoughts (among many other things).
What are my thoughts about writing thoughts? My two biggies:
- Don’t use speaker attributions/tags to tell the reader someone’s thinking.
If you’ve put the reader in the character’s head, it should be obvious they’re thinking. Per Browne & King, removing “he thought” makes them “unobtrusive to the point of transparency.”
Example:
Had he meant to kill her? Not likely, he thought.
Becomes
Had he meant to kill her? Not likely.
The second gets the same point across and is more effective.
They also suggest using the question technique.
Example:
He wondered why he always ended up killing them.
Becomes
Why did he always end up killing them?
Brockmann says “Anytime you interject she thought, she reflected, she guessed and so forth in this way—that’s you speaking, taking on the voice of the narrator, and your doing this takes the reader outside of the character’s head.”
- Beware italics
Italics do have their place, but italicized thoughts should be short—a sentence or two.
My ‘rule of thumb’ is to use italics when the character is talking to himself, and set them off in their own paragraph. Browne & King also suggest it as a useful technique to show a character’s thoughts in the middle of an action scene. Action doesn’t have to be fights and explosions. Here’s an example from my Identity Crisis. The following passage is a mix of narrative and Brett’s thoughts, but there’s only one bit in italics.
After the helicopter had deposited the team five miles down the mountain from the cabin, he, Adam—their team leader—and Fish had hiked up, then taken their positions surrounding the cabin. Since they couldn’t see each other, the only way to communicate was via radio. Then Adam had put the stupid radio silence rule into effect. What did he think? They were all telepathic?
Brett shifted, tightened and released his muscles in an attempt to keep warm. Toes, feet, ankles, calves. Quads, butt, shoulders. After two hours of lying on his belly in the cold, he had doubts he’d be able to move when the order came down. He was an endurance athlete. Not moving wasn’t part of his regimen.
Of course you’ll be able to move. Could be worse. Could be snowing.
Did he detect motion inside the cabin? He adjusted his binoculars. Nothing different. Curtains shifting as the wind blew through rotting walls and broken windows. Brett itched to crawl closer. Hell, just to move, keep the blood flowing.
What does Command know? We’re halfway up a bloody mountain somewhere in Mexico, while they’re sitting on their asses at Ops—where the building was heated, damn it—in San Francisco looking at computer terminals.
Some more examples of the way I handle the technique. Your mileage may vary.
From Falcon’s Prey. Fish is the POV character in this scene. First, a ‘clunky’ version.
“You two are free to get back to whatever you were doing,” Dalton said. “We’ll call if anything changes. Let’s move our seventeen hundred sitrep to eighteen hundred.”
Get back to what they were doing? What did that mean, Fish wondered. Dalton couldn’t think Fish was getting things on with Lexi, could he?
He told himself to chill. He was reading his own thoughts into a casual remark.
He didn’t think he would mind a little diversion. No, for the duration of this assignment, Lexi was the principal. They had plenty to talk about, plenty to catch up on, but getting things on wasn’t one of them.
Fish admitted to himself he had considered it.
Now, the streamlined version, the way it appears in the book. Thoughts should be obvious to the reader.
“You two are free to get back to whatever you were doing,” Dalton said. “We’ll call if anything changes. Let’s move our seventeen hundred sitrep to eighteen hundred.”
Get back to what they were doing? What did that mean? Dalton couldn’t think Fish was getting things on with Lexi, could he?
Chill. You’re reading your own thoughts into a casual remark.
Not that Fish would have minded a little diversion. No, for the duration of this assignment, Lexi was the principal. They had plenty to talk about, plenty to catch up on, but getting things on wasn’t one of them.
Don’t kid yourself. You’ve considered it.
What would the second, cleaner passage look like if all the thoughts were in italics?
“You two are free to get back to whatever you were doing,” Dalton said. “We’ll call if anything changes. Let’s move our seventeen hundred sitrep to eighteen hundred.”
Get back to what they were doing? What did that mean? Dalton couldn’t think Fish was getting things on with Lexi, could he?
Chill. You’re reading your own thoughts into a casual remark.
Not that Fish would have minded a little diversion. No, for the duration of this assignment, Lexi was the principal. They had plenty to talk about, plenty to catch up on, but getting things on wasn’t one of them.
Don’t kid yourself. You’ve considered it.
I don’t know about you, but I find all those italics hard to read—even harder when I’m using my e-reader.
Does this mean you should never use “he thought” in your books? Of course not. It’s only when you’re using them as speaker attributions that you want to be careful. There’s nothing wrong with the “I thought” here:
The bus driver took the corner on two wheels. I was going to die. I thought of all the times my mother had urged me to go to church.
What about you, TKZ peeps? How do you handle character thoughts? Pet peeves, examples of those well done?
And a quick moment of BSP. I’d bundled books 7-9 in my Blackthorne, Inc. series, and the set is available now.
Terry Odell is an award-winning author of Mystery and Romantic Suspense, although she prefers to think of them all as “Mysteries with Relationships.” Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
Thanks, Terry. I am totally with you on the use, or lack thereof, of italics. I just finished re-reading a novel by one of my favorite authors where he at various points uses italics for pages. It drove me crazy. Maybe it’s my age, but…
Hope you are having a great week!
Thanks, Joe. I’ve read books where the author used italics to show flashbacks and those went on for pages as well. Hard on my eyes.
My week’s going fine. I think the snow is more or less finished. Hope you’re having a good day.
My editor refers to this as “distancing”
Yep — takes you out of the character’s head. Thanks for stopping by, Karla.
I agree. I try to limit italics for thoughts. I admit, when first drafting, those ‘he thought’, ‘she thoughts’ sneak into the manuscript then I have to clean them up. I don’t recall seeing an example of a book going on too long with italics of thoughts, but have seen the flashbacks done in all italics, but I don’t mind italics usage for flashbacks—I guess I’ve come to see it as a flashback signal. Not necessary of course, unless the author didn’t transition well, into or out of the flashback.
You’re allowed to let all sorts of things ‘sneak in’ when you’re in draft mode. The important part is being aware of them so you can hunt them out during editing passes. I recall a ‘two in one’ book, where the author was telling the story in the present, but there was an entire second story that took place decades before, and that was a LOT of italics.
Also, italics vary depending on the base font. Some are easier to read than others.
Great discussion, Terry.
I like your rule of thumb for when to italicize character thoughts. I remember a previous discussion here at TKZ about italics, and the consensus seemed to be “italicize character thoughts when the thoughts need more emphasis or more emotion.” I see that point, but it has always been confusing to me where to draw the line. I think the idea of “use italics when the character is talking to himself” is a little easier to apply.
In nonfiction, such as posts here, we use bold and colored fonts. Wouldn’t it be interesting if we could use colored fonts (from blue cold to red hot) to express the degree of emotion of a character’s thoughts. I know, printing costs.
Have a wonderful day.
Good morning, Steve.
Glad my process proved helpful.
Interesting about colored fonts. But wouldn’t you say it’s the author’s job to make that clear without ‘crutches?’
You’re right, Terry. I just like to play “what if.”
If I may, Terry, whether the writer uses italics to indicate unspoken thought or leaves it in regular font face, direct unspoken thought is always presented in first person and present tense. Humans just don’t think in third person.
Any POV character’s thoughts presented in third person past tense are indirect thought, filtered through and delivered by the narrator.
This paragraph from your example is indirect thought delivered by the narrator, so you were right not to italicize it:
Get back to what they were doing? What did that mean? Dalton couldn’t think Fish was getting things on with Lexi, could he?
If you wanted to present the same paragraph as direct thought, it would read as follows and be italicized (since italics is your preference for indicating unspoken thought):
Get back to what we were doing? What does that mean? He can’t think I’m getting things on with Lexi, can he?
No argument from me, Harvey. My choice to leave internal monologue as third person, which is how I write, for longer passages is the choice I made here. I’m comfortable that I’m still well inside the character’s head and readers won’t have trouble knowing this is what Fish is thinking. I did consider it when I posted this passage.
(And I think in third person all the time!)
Terry, I left the comment only as food for thought for other readers of this post. I’ve always considered advising others on craft as a heady responsibility. In my opinion, omitted or erroneous information can be deleterious to another writer’s development.
So I’ll just say publicly, I obviously overstepped. I thought possibly you forgot to mention that the unitlicized paragraphs in your example were indirect thought delivered by the narrator, so I took the opportunity to mention it. Sorry to have offended. It won’t happen again.
My basic rule for thoughts is that if the thought would be spoken inside the person’s mind–like “focus, idiot”–I would put it in italics. Whick, realistically, is not very often. I do drop in the “she thought” with it because I am thinking of the audio book narrator.
Sometimes, I see thoughts put into quotes, which throws me off.
Exactly, Azali – when my character’s thoughts are them talking to themselves, I use italics. Browne & King’s chapter on Internal Monologue was/is my guideline. It’s how I “learned” and it works for me.
Quotes are for words spoken aloud. I cringe at the thought (ha!) of using them otherwise. But yes, I’ve seen it. And cringed.
Nice piece, Terry. I agree on the sparing use of italicized/quoted thought. Truth be told, I don’t believe I think in words. I think in images. I think.
As for italicized flashbacks, I’ve used them to good effect (I think) several times, but for very specific purposes. In NATHAN’S RUN, 12-year-old Nathan calls a radio host to tell the story of his escape from a juvenile detention center. I start that scene with him telling the story in his 12-year-old way, but then I transition to italics to tell it in third person, but from Nathan’s POV. Then, at the end of the scene, I go back to regular font and his quoted dialogue. (Is that a “frame,” Brother Bell?)
If it works without confusing the reader, the writer’s job is done.
If it works without confusing the reader, the writer’s job is done.
I would add “Or distracting” but you’re right. That’s our job.
I suppose you could call that the “Gilstrap mini frame.” In any event, I really like the way you used it in Nathan’s Run. It rendered that scene more interesting and immediate than if it was just Nathan reciting it in real time.
As for italics, Terry’s explanation of their use for thoughts is right on. Short and to the point, then get out.
As for longer passages, as in Nathan’s Run, it’s common to hear the warning that italics are hard on the eyes, etc. It has never bothered me, but there must be something to it for some. Thus, the only rule here would be make sure you have a darn good reason for using them, and make that section absolutely compelling.
Good morning, Terry.
I agree with you on having long passages in italics. It’s just hard to read.
I also agree with you on the value of Self-editing for Fiction Writers. It was one of the two first books I read when I started to write. (The other was JSB’s Plot and Structure .)
I’m not bothered by attributions added at the end of a thought. And I’ve read quite a few books by well-known authors who incorporate the dreaded “head-hopping.” But if I’m engaged in the story, I allow the author a wide swath to tell it his/her way.
However, you’ve given me a great idea. My husband and I lead a writers group and we’re having a “reader panel” in July where a group of readers will be talking to us about the things they like to read and what they look for in a book. Based on your post, I’m going to prepare a list of questions about specific things (e.g., head-hopping, italics) that authors have been taught not to do and get the readers’ feedback. I’ll report back here with what I find. If anyone here thinks of a good question or two I could ask the readers, put your suggestions in the comments or send me an email. Thanks!
Thanks, Kay. I think “readers” read differently from “writers.” Things that “readers” don’t notice–like ‘he thought’ tags or head-hopping–drive me nuts. I belong to a book club, and it’s always fascinating (probably the reason I go to meetings) to see their take on books. Rarely do things that bother me even occur to them.
However, there is also the chance that readers don’t enjoy a read as much but can’t put their finger on the why.
Terry, I totally agree that writers read differently than readers do. Things drive us crazy that non-writers never notice.
Kay, your reader panel sounds like a great idea. Look forward to hearing your results in a future TKZ post.
Hi, Terry. I think in third person, too, so when my editor wants me to change internal thoughts to present tense, I want to argue, but then go along. It’s not a hill to die on. I write in close third person and usually italicize thoughts only when I want to emphasize an important thought or emotion. Good post!
Glad I’m not the only one with third person thoughts, Patricia. I’m less troubled by italics (and my editor and I have had the occasional back-and-forth about that) than by the use of ‘he thought’ attributions. To me, they’re on par with the Tom Swiftie adverbial tags.
Not a fan of italics, either. It jumps me right out of deep viewpoint.
I’ve realized in recent years that, if you get viewpoint right, many other problems with your writing, including telling instead of showing, disappear. Yes, it’s that important.
I’m so with you on this, Marilynn. POV was my first writing “lesson” when I showed an attempt at a story to the woman who then became my first mentor.
In third-person narration, I’m a big fan of free indirect discourse because I discovered that the difference between the narrator narrating and the viewpoint character thinking (or feeling, or experiencing) is perfectly obvious once you get the hang of it. And it gets around the sensory deprivation inherent in treating “thoughts” as being the same thing as “unvoiced dialog.”
On the other hand, I’m often outside my viewpoint character’s head because they aren’t there, either. They’re often taken out of themselves by events. When things simmer down, they return to themselves and only then take physical and emotional stock.
Thanks for chiming in, Robert. Sounds as though you’ve got your technique down. Although it would be interesting to see what’s going on in your characters’ heads when they’re not there, assuming you’re writing in their POV. Are we ever completely ‘not there’?
Are we ever completely “not there”? I’ll claim that we’re often not there for practical purposes. That’s what a flow state is: your inner sportscasting and the mental chatter that goes along with it fade, leaving you with more or less pure experience.
How much body awareness is included depends on the situation, but having your body deliver the bill only after you “come back to yourself” isn’t an unusual experience at all.
In many such flow situations, it would be hard to tell the person’s stream of consciousness from the narration of an objective observer.
When I first began writing, I used A LOT of italics, lol. I’ve learned to use them sparingly. For the most part, I used them when a character is telepathically linked to another character. Occasionally, I do use them in regards to thoughts to make a short sentence stand out.
Telepathy is a cross between speaking and thinking, I’d say. Good place for italics. Thanks, Traci.