iStock image purchased by Jordan Dane
My last critique for 2016. I’ve enjoyed reading the anonymous submissions this year. We have some very talented authors following our blog. Thanks to all of you who participate with your comments and for all those brave souls who have submitted your work for our feedback. We all learn from the experience.
Enjoy UNKNOWN RIDER and I’ll have my feedback on the flip side. Please provide constructive criticism in your comments. Thank you.
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Prologue
A narrow palm-lined alley led off the main boulevard to the boat docks. A warm front had blanketed the area with a thick overcast, obliterating the faint starlight on the moonless night. At one o’clock in the morning, the few functioning streetlights created a dimly lit gloom that made it hard to distinguish between the living and the nonliving as the tropical breeze animated palm fronds and various pieces of trash on the derelict street. It was still a quarter of a mile to the docks, but even at this distance the low-tide smell of spilled diesel fuel, dead fish, and decay polluted the air.
Frank Stodd walked quickly down one side of the pavement towards the water. He looked very much out of place in his dark suit and tie, but he hadn’t planned to be here. He had a growing suspicion that he had taken a wrong turn on the way back to the hotel, but he pressed on, looking over his shoulder every few seconds for the black Escalade. Then he patted the gun through his jacket for reassurance, and felt for the small package in his inside coat pocket. He was a large man, quite overweight, and in spite of the sea breeze blowing in towards the shore, he was sweating profusely underneath the stiff white collar of his shirt.
Maybe he could see the hotel when he got to the water at the end of the alley, he told himself. It was a well-lit high rise, after all, with a big red ‘Hilton’ on the side. There was too much at stake to blow it now.
They had seen him in the van outside the bar in old San Juan. He’d sped off immediately, cursing his bad luck, but they tailed him for several blocks. Finally, he lost them somewhere near his hotel, ditched the van, and continued on foot. The shortcut he’d taken past the marina and docks should have thrown them off. Yes, he was sure now that he’d lost them.
But against the wall of a building, well hidden in the shadows to Stodd’s left, was another man. In blue jeans and a t-shirt, he looked like anyone else you might see in the city, someone who had bubbled out of the melting pot of the Caribbean. He checked the cylinder of his revolver to confirm that it was fully loaded and wondered again whether the silencer screwed into the end of the barrel might affect the gun’s accuracy. But when he got a good look at the size of his target he decided it wouldn’t matter.
He raised the gun at arm’s length.
Stodd saw a flash from his left. There was a slight whooshing sound like someone had spit, the sledgehammer impact of the bullet, then he was lying on his side, his left arm and shoulder on fire. The pavement was cool in spite of the heat of the night, his vision blurred, and the pain took a back seat. He knew only that he was tired and wanted to rest. He closed his eyes.
FEEDBACK:
OVERVIEW – There are some gems in this intro. The author has a visual style and imagery is important. Often setting is overlooked, but not with this author. I like how he or she describes through use of the senses too. I can see Frank sweating as he lumbers through a shady part of town. But there is an issue with ORDER in this scene. The idea is to introduce a conflict and tension and build upon it, not deflate it. Below are some observations:
SETTING – The first paragraph is an author’s chance at establishing a voice. In this example, the author describes weather and setting without these elements being through any character. As much as I can appreciate a good setting, without a character seeing it, I tend to skim. I don’t even know where the description is supposed to be, other than it’s coastal and has palm trees and water. By mentioning San Juan and Caribbean much later, this appears to be Puerto Rico. Why not include a tag line to establish the location right away? That would make the setting an instant recognition for the reader and even establish a time of day. It’s best not to make the reader guess or have to reread because they thought the setting was somewhere else, like Florida.
REVISED START – I would consider starting with elements of paragraph 2. I like knowing Frank is out of place and uncomfortable where he’s walking. It makes me wonder what he’s up to, but make him sweat for more than weather. The example below is a rough draft and if it were mine I’d tweak it more, but I hope you get the idea. Getting into Frank’s head and the tension he’s feeling is the place to start.
Example – Frank Stodd picked up his pace as he walked toward the docks, looking out of place dressed in his dark suit and tie. He tugged at his stiff white collar with sweat trickling through his hair. Muggy heat turned the stench of low-tide into a vile smell of spilled diesel fuel, dead fish, and decay. He must’ve taken a wrong turn on his way back from the hotel and he kept glancing over his shoulder for the black Escalade. The small package he carried in his jacket pocket weighed heavy, pressed against his gun.
PUT YOUR SETTING TO WORK – Rather than start with a long first paragraph to establish setting, the author might consider peppering the heat and the stench and other sensory descriptions to add to Frank’s discomfort and tension. Make the setting work by using it to escalate the tension or messing with Frank’s head. I’ve incorporated some of the setting descriptions into the revised intro to exacerbate Frank’s situation and add tension. He’s a heavy man and he’s sweating, not only because of weather and where he is. He’s anxious over his situation, so an author can drop in setting through action to enhance the intended emotion for the scene, without slowing the pace.
USE of PROLOGUE – I’ve never had an editor say they wouldn’t buy something because it had a Prologue, but when you get authors together and they talk about perceived rules, they usually are not in favor of using Prologues. If a Prologue is used properly, where the inciting incident of a story begins earlier (ie Batman as a boy when he witnesses his parents murdered before he dedicates his life to fighting crime), then make it clear it’s a short segment that is the foundation for what comes. Lately, I’ve simply started on Chapter 1, even if there is an older inciting incident, because I use tag lines to establish the time and place. But I wanted to point it out, as I’m sure others might comment. I’m indifferent, but a Prologue should be used in the right way.
STICK WITH THE ACTION – Once a story has started with action, it should stick to that action and not vacillate from what’s happening to drift away from it. The idea is to BUILD on tension and not deflate it. In the short paragraph that starts with “Maybe he could see the hotel…” – this deflates the tension established when the reader sees Frank is in trouble. He thinks of getting back to his hotel and even the line of “not blowing it now” is ‘telling’ and could be deleted to stick with the action of him being tailed.
ACTION OUT OF ORDER – The action in this opener is out of order. The author should resolve this to not lose any momentum in the action from start to finish.
“They had seen him in the van…” This is a 4th paragraph flashback to an earlier incident the same evening. The author could consider starting at that point where Frank is spotted by shady characters or by men in the Escalade and he tries to outrun them in his overweight condition, not dressed for the occasion. Or have Frank evading the Escalade and stick with the action to have the vehicle find him again. No need to go back. No matter which way the author decides, the action should gain momentum and tension should be mounted and not diffused.
KNOW YOUR WEAPON – Another point I would like to make with regard to action – once guns are drawn, there’s no time for checking for bullets in a revolver. Frank was nervous enough to pat down his pocket to make sure he had his gun. He should know if it’s loaded. I’m also a believer in adding details like the type of revolver. Most gun enthusiasts know what they are carrying. It looks novice if the author ignores the details. I’m also thinking guys who ride around in Escalades, aren’t carrying revolvers. I’d be thinking of ramping up the firepower to a semi-auto.
A SUPPRESSOR ON A REVOLVER? – A revolver has a short barrel. Between the cylinder (bullets) and the forcing cone is the cylinder gap where the gases, flames, and sound escape when fired. VIDEO ON THE MYTH The way this intro is written, very generically, most crime fiction readers would question a suppressor on a revolver unless the author can research a type of gun like the Nagant M1895, a Russian revolver, where these gases are contained. Here’s a VIDEO of someone shooting a suppressed Nagant. Look at how large this weapon is (with suppressor) and how difficult it would be for Frank to have it under his jacket. I don’t see how a suppressor enhances this scene and it actually stands out as a research error. Plus if other people are shooting back, without suppressors, what’s the point of Frank being stealthy? I tend to think of suppressed weapons as in the hands of assassins or killers who are the aggressors. Frank seems to have the weapon for defense purposes.
POV – In the sentence below, the author brings in a shooter, but since the guy is “well hidden,” how can Frank see him? It would appear to be an omniscient POV as was the first paragraph where the setting is described without being in Frank’s head. I would strongly suggest one POV in this scene, through Frank’s eyes.
“But against the wall of a building, well hidden in the shadows to Stodd’s left, was another man.”
FRANK SHOT – Frank seems like he’s resting rather than shot at the end. I know in the heat of the moment, often gunshot wounds aren’t felt (except as a punch) when the adrenaline is high, but I would consider shortening the sentences and making him feel more than tired, just to add tension for the reader. He seems too calm.
DISCUSSION:
1.) What do you think, TKZers? Comments anyone? What do you like? What would you suggest to improve this intro?
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If I may…
I think the “silenced revolver” belongs to the mystery man in jeans and shadow, not Frank… though it did take me a quick retrace to clarify…
The second sentence had a “speed bump” for me in the term “warm front” – took me a sec to realize it was weather (warm-front) and not a a description ~ (a warm front of something…) [Could be it’s just me:-) ]
I would also question, given the heat, humidity, and Frank’s sweating, whether his shirt collar would still be stiff~ tight, maybe, given his size, but “wilted” most likely.
Good points, George. Especially regarding who had the suppressed weapon. To begin that sentence with Frank’s revolver & end with wondering whether the silencer would affect accuracy, without clearly indicating there are 2 weapons, is misleading. That should be clarified but if someone shot at me, I wouldn’t be calmly wondering about HIS accuracy with a suppressor. I’d be high-tailing it.
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After rereading the paragragh on the suppressor, it looks as if there might be misleading head hopping at the end of that paragragh. If the line about “when he got a good look at the size if his target” is the POV of the Caribbean man in the shadows, that’s sentence & the one following where he aims are the only 2 sentences in his POV. Very jarring & misleading, especially when intro seems to be in Frank’s head/POV. If a reader has to decipher meaning, that’s a problem.
Yeah. I’m quite sure it’s the man in the shadows who’s checking his revolver. So your comments about weaponry apply to his weapon.
Definitely a very confusing shift in point-of-view. Author could describe the man checking his gun without going into his head. And with a different weapon the whole worry about whether the silencer would affect accuracy can be skipped–or introduced later, maybe having the shooter explain to someone why he only hit Frank in the shoulder.
Thanks, Eric. In an action scene, it’s important to keep the pace without all these issues cropping up. Stick with the bare essence action. Frank doesn’t need to ponder too much unless his thoughts involve not getting shot. And head hopping shooter has bigger problems than accuracy if he’s trying to suppress a revolver.
I felt like there was a lot of explaining going on in this first page. Too much explaining. At one point, a description of how he’d lost those following him felt a bit contrived as if explaining how he got to this point in the story. This left me feeling like the author might be trying too quickly to reassure the reader that this guy belongs here for good reason. I don’t want to know what led up to this point. I want to know what’s happening and what’s around the corner. This is tension that slows down for a sprinkle of backstory that’s really not needed in the moment. It adds nothing to the scene.
Is Stodd looking out of place or feeling out of place? With the language the author chose, it makes me feel like someone is observing Stodd from outside. I’m guessing he should be feeling out of place instead?
There is one pet peeve I’ve developed over the years, and that is a character confirming they have a fully loaded weapon. The status of a revolver can tell a lot about the action in a scene or previous scenes. Why is there a need to check his revolver to confirm it is fully loaded? He should know this. If you load your gun and haven’t fired a shot yet, then there’s nothing to confirm.
A character can flip open the chamber and observe two bullets, which would reflect they’d fired off the weapon somewhere along the way. To then reload the weapon would give the information to the reader without making it seem that the author is wanting to spoon feed the reader, “Hey, just so you know…Stodd has a fully loaded weapon in case you want to start counting shots in this upcoming shoot out scene.”
One last thing, from whom is the guy up against the wall hidden? I got confused there.
The writing is very descriptive and I would continue to read this story. I would advise the use of tighter POV, sticking very close to Stodd’s head in order to not confuse the reader about things that the main character can or cannot “see”.
I agree on the over explaining. It’s not needed & deflates pace & tension when it slow momentum. Thanks for your observations, Diane.
The first paragraph has a good feel to it, but everything in it should be woven into the rest of the page. IMHO, a good start to this novel would be the 4th paragraph: “They had seen him in the van outside the bar in old San Juan.”, with a slight tweaking to clarify exactly who was in the van, Frank or “they”. You might try something like, “They saw Frank Stodd sitting in the van outside a bar in old San Juan. He sped off immediately …” That could be the beginning in real time. In other words, you might want to think about abandoning the past perfect. It’s awkward and confusing. Then, you can weave in all the stuff about the weather and his sweating a little at a time.
Also, I almost — but not quite — quit reading at the unveiling of the revolver with a screwed-on silencer. You’ve got the beginnings of a pretty tense scene and story here, but if you get the guns or the cars wrong, readers will quickly disappear in great numbers. Please do your research if you plan any further scenes with guns.
Thanks, Don. I agree that poor research can turn off readers in a hurry.
I’ll let the previous comments on the writing speak to that. As for me, I was ripped out of the story by the description of San Juan. I’ve been to San Juan. I attended a multi-day event at the Condado Hilton (the one referenced in the story, although I did not stay there) several years back. I can’t reconcile the San Juan described with the SJ I experienced. At all. It made me wonder whether the author has ever been there. While I’m all for writing about places one hasn’t visited if you’re going to reference specific places at least do some research. The Hilton is not in old San Juan. What boat docks? Where locals might go? The marina where seafaring tourists and mega-yacht owners dock? Where cruise ships leave from? Where ferries and booze cruises depart? None of which are exactly by the Hilton, and none of which are in an obvious walking pattern between old SJ and the Hilton (and one would probably cab this, anyway). One might plausibly walk from a bar in old San Juan along the Malecon (which is kind of creepy late at night) by the piers for the ferries/booze cruises, etc. while heading to the Sheraton in old San Juan (which itself is in view of the cruise ship docks — hint hint for something he might see after he’s been shot). The city didn’t seem like a ‘melting pot’, either. If I were in a bookstore and I read a depiction of place that I know that is so off I would put it down and pick up something else, no matter the quality of the writing.
Great points, CF. It’s good to hear your personal account of San Juan. I may not visit every international location I write about but I do research each locations a great deal. Google maps & the street level view (I call this “walking with yellow man”) can give you the ability to view 360 & “virtually walk” the street. Street names & landmarks are great touches of reality, along with cultural influences & food.
There are many good things to say about this excerpt, which many have already noted. Nice description, a sense of intrigue, good basic grasp of craft.
But I kept thinking of a line I read years ago in Miss Snark’s blog (an agent who posted great stuff anonymously and stopped writing a while back). She said, to get an agent or editor’s attention (and by extension the reader’s) “write something unique or write something uniquely.”
I’ve read this opening a hundred times before. In published books, in manuscripts, and most recently in one of my own First Page critiques, that was set in Jamaica instead of San Juan. It’s an old thriller/mystery trope: a man entering a dark and dangerous foreign place feeling threatened for shady or unknown reason. Okay, it’s a legit opening for intrigue but it’s been done and done and done. If you’re going to till old soil, you darn well gotta make something really fresh bloom there.
Well said, Kris.
This is a very strong first page, in my opinion. I especially loved the description “someone who had bubbled out of the melting pot of the Caribbean”. Keep writing!
Thanks for your words of encouragement, L.
Yikes. I don’t want to discourage our brave writer after The Librarian’s compliment, but I have to strongly disagree about the “bubbled out of the melting pot of the Caribbean” line. That line made me chuckle, and I’m sure that wasn’t the writer’s intention. I hope that line doesn’t find it’s way into the next draft. It’s an example of overwriting (like much of the description found in the first paragraph).
Anyway, write on, brave writer! I encourage you to consult with a writing coach and have him/her weigh in on this point.
I agree with other respondents about the POV issues. I’m a big fan of a “close 3rd” that approaches 1st person in its allegiance to a single character’s impressions. If Frank can’t sense, feel or think it, I’d take it out or restate from his POV.
My other concern may sound petty, but here goes: I don’t like the name Frank Stodd. It sounds, well, stodgy. I’m not saying he should be Frank Hawk or Frank Stone, but this sounds more like an accountant and less like a guy who’s out night-crawling the docks, albeit in a suit.
I rather like the scene’s ending. “He only knew that he was tired and wanted to rest.” I’ve been there. This promises to be a good action story – keep writing!
Thanks for your feedback, Polly.
I like it. But needs words cut and a closer pov
Congrats to the writer for being brave enough to submit his/her work here. Listen to what Jordan says. Good stuff. Here are my notes:
1. The writer understands the need to ground the reader in the setting. That’s a really important thing to do. However, I would not begin with an entire paragraph of description. To me, the description seemed overwritten. The first page is important real estate. Any description should be woven neatly into the action without disrupting it.
2. I like that the writer provided the name of the protagonist. The writer provides a good physical description of the character (wearing a suit, large, overweight, sweating, drives a van, carries a gun, stays at a place like the Hilton). However, these kinds of details don’t get readers to connect with the character emotionally. What’s Frank Stodd’s defining quality? Why is he worth knowing/rooting for? (Hint: this doesn’t have anything to do with what he’s wearing.) Show his essence in action.
3. There are a lot of POV shifts in this opening. Get inside of one character’s head per scene and stay there, brave writer. Tell the reader only what that character can see and experience. Enlist the help of a story coach if this seems difficult.
4. Moving on to paragraph 4:
“They had seen him in the van outside the bar in old San Juan. He’d sped off immediately, cursing his bad luck, but they tailed him for several blocks. Finally, he lost them somewhere near his hotel, ditched the van, and continued on foot. The shortcut he’d taken past the marina and docks should have thrown them off. Yes, he was sure now that he’d lost them.”
I’m not sure why the writer chose to “tell” the reader about this after it’s already happened. If this is important stuff, the writer should begin with it. This is not something the character should be “thinking about” after the fact.
5. It’s good to begin with action. However, according to Chuck Wendig, “The problem with action is, action only works as a narrative driver when we have context for that action. Specifically, context for the characters involved in said action.” (http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2012/05/29/25-things-to-know-about-writing-the-first-chapter/) See #13. Actually, read the whole article. Good stuff.
That’s enough for now, brave writer. Listen to Jordan and the nice folks here. Good job. Please keep writing.
P.S. Please forgive any typos/tense shifts, etc. – I’m sleepy.