“Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.” –Eliza Tabor
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My husband and I were scheduled to attend the Blue Ridge Mountains Christian Writers Conference this year. I was looking forward to the trip. Not only is the BRMCWC held in beautiful Black Mountain, NC, it is a well-organized, nice-sized conference. Authors, agents, and editors whom I had only known online would be there, and I was looking forward to meeting them in person.
I had gathered all the conference necessities: business cards, bookmarks, and jar opener giveaways. Paperback copies of my books bound for the bookstore were labeled and ready to go.
I had also decided to pitch my fourth novel to a couple of agents to see if there was any interest in having it traditionally published. I had a folder with high-quality copies of a one-sheet, and extra copies of the synopsis and first three cha pters of the book.(Even if they weren’t interested in representing me, agents couldn’t help but be impressed with my organizational skills.) 😊
In addition, my husband’s debut novel, Laser Trap, was up for an award, so we were doubly excited as we prepared.
A week or so before we were to leave, we received news that a dear cousin of mine had passed away in Georgia, so we flew there to pay our last respects and visit with family. It was a sad, but heart-warming, trip. However, the travel was tiring, the planes were crammed full, and the Atlanta airport was a congested mass of humanity.
We arrived back home in Memphis with a couple of days to spare before our trip to Black Mountain. What we didn’t realize was that we had brought back an unwelcome travel companion. My first symptoms popped up the day after we returned, so I took a home test, and the little pink line told the story. Covid. A couple of days later, my husband also tested positive. Our symptoms were mild, but it meant we weren’t going anywhere for a while. Dang!
I’m still new enough to the writing scene that every conference is a welcome adventure. As I write this, the conference is in full swing. I’m disappointed.
“But look at the bright side,” I tell myself. “This is a great topic for a TKZ blog post.”
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We all know disappointments are part of the human experience, and writers are not immune. Rejections, bad reviews, poor sales, lack of recognition, all hurt. Even though authors are a resilient bunch, this may be a good opportunity to tackle the subject.
I found “Three Reasons Why Disappointment Is Good” at https://personalexcellence.co/blog/disappointment/.
Disappointment means passion for something.
Know that disappointment is a better emotional state than apathy. When someone is apathetic, they feel indifferent about everything. This is no different from being a robot. But here, you recognize your emotions and you feel them — be it good or bad. This is a good thing, because to feel is to be in touch with your inner self.
Disappointment means an opportunity for growth.
Here, your disappointment comes from the mismatch between reality and your expectation. Yet, the reality has been this way all along — reality did not change in that one second leading to your discovery of the truth. The world did not conspire to bring you down. The reason you feel disappointed is because you discovered the truth — and this truth is not what you thought it would be.
Disappointment makes you stronger.
When you go through a harsh emotion like that, you become tougher. You learn to process and work through your emotions. You become more resilient to life’s hardships.
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So now we know disappointment is good for us, but what can we do about it?
One approach would be to always set our expectations so low that we’re guaranteed not to be disappointed. (e.g., my short story didn’t win an award, so I’m never going to write another short story.) That famous American philosopher Babe Ruth had something to say about this approach: “Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”
Alternatively, we can set goals that require us to go beyond our comfort zone like Robert Browning suggested, “Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp, Or what’s a heaven for?” while being realistic about the possible outcomes. We can become stronger, smarter, and more effective writers if we acknowledge the relationship between expectations and reality.
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I found a remarkable reference to this very subject the other day when I was reading Daniel DeFoe’s great novel Robinson Crusoe. After the hero had been stranded on a deserted island for decades, a situation most people would have found intolerable, he muses about his situation.
“I learned to look more upon the bright side of my condition, and less upon the dark side, and to consider what I enjoyed rather than what I wanted; and this gave me sometimes such secret comforts, that I cannot express them; … All our discontents about what we want appeared to me to spring from the want of thankfulness for what we have.”
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So the short answer for dealing with disappointment seems to be just what Mom always said: “Count your blessings.”
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So TKZers: What disappointments have you experienced in your writing journey? How have you dealt with them?
Such an important topic for we writers, Kay. Thanks for tackling it, especially while you’re under the weather. I hope you feel better soon!
Disappointments in my own writing journey include garnering rejection slips for science fiction short stories back when I was in college, as well drafting four novels years later, none of which worked. The solution to the rejection letters and the unworkable novels was to take the “path of fiction writing craft,” studying and practice the elements of storytelling and then getting feedback.
When I published my first two novels in 2017, I had visions of Kindle bestsellerdom which weren’t reached, not by a long shot. Though, in retrospect, the books did well for being cross-genre in nature. I kept at it. The best advice I’ve received is to study and practice writing craft, and to write the next book, and do the best I can at that time.
Hi Dale,
Thanks for your perseverance to get here after all the website problems we had today.
I’m feeling fine. It was a mild case, and I’ve tested negative for over a week now.
It’s so easy to set ourselves up for disappointment in this writing journey. But taking the time to learn the craft is a great way to minimize discouragement.
Have a great week!
I’m sorry to hear about your illness Kay and how it disrupted your plans. I hope you’re feeling better soonest!
Thanks, Joe. I feel fine now — it was no worse than a bad cold, but it still meant staying inside and avoiding contact with others.
As my mother used to say, “There’s always a bright side.” 🙂
Website is healed! 🥳🥳🥳
Disappointments are part of life. Plan B is sometimes better than Plan A.
I’m experiencing a disappointing time right now…one that I can’t share details of.
I’m hoping Plan B walks up & slaps me in the face soon. 🥹
It’s quite a coincidence that the website fell ill today with a post about Disappointment! 🙂
Sorry to hear about your issue, Deb, but you’re right: Plan B is often better than Plan A would have been. Hoping Plan B shows up soon! (But maybe just taps you on the shoulder.)
Hi Kay,
How ironic that your post was about disappointment b/c that’s what I felt this morning when I couldn’t start the morning with TKZ. Darn WordPress gremlins! Thanks to our web guru Brian for getting the site back in operation.
So sorry about your cousin. Good that you were able to be with family at this sad time.
A shame about missing the conference but there will be others.
Wonderful quote from Robinson Crusoe. That’s the perfect ending for your post.
It sure was ironic to see the website issues today. I told my husband it must be some kind of cosmic thing for the gremlins to show up for a post named “Disappointment.”
Due to an unfortunate deficiency in my education, I had never read Robinson Crusoe until a few weeks ago. It was much richer than just a story about a man stranded on a deserted island.
Good topic, Kay. And sorry you missed the writers conference.
My disappointments in my writing journey included a small press accepting my first book, then a year later going bankrupt. The bright side: Joe Hartlaub helped me regain my copyright before it was too late.
Then I found an agent who, after several communications, forgot me and clearly wasn’t doing anything with my book. He graciously allowed me to terminate our agreement.
The blessing was reassessing my path forward, deciding I wanted to write in another genre, and deciding I wanted to go indie. That led to my involvement with this website and getting to know all of you. That’s been a real blessing!
Hi Steve. Thanks for checking back in after a long day without TKZ.
Your path is similar to others I’ve heard. There are a lot of detours along this writing journey, and some of them are not good. But how wonderful that you arrived at the Kill Zone! A win for us all.
Have a great week.
Deepest condolences in the loss of your cousin. UGH. You are the 5th person I’ve talked to in the last 2 weeks that lost a loved one. 8-(
So glad to hear you are feeling better but sorry that you missed out on the conference. Western North Carolina is my favorite place to be when it comes to the eastern U.S. so I hope you get to make it to the next one.
As others have mentioned, ironic that the subject is disappointment when we woke up this morning to no new TKZ post. Though I didn’t realize it was a website issue. I thought there was probably just a Monday mixup. 😎
As to writing related disappointments, it’s not the end of the world but I’m going through a disappointed phase right now because I just have creative burnout generally. No visual art whatsoever and while I am working on a story (at a glacially slow pace–and I’m not the fastest producer on a good day!), the fire just isn’t there right now. I don’t mean about the story in particular, but the fire for creativity just isn’t there right now.
I want to get back to that phase where I’m not only eagerly working on my main project, but to where the ideas are popping for brainstorming other stories. I love it when I’m in the zone! But right now there are factors beyond my control impacting things so I just need to ride this phase out–and stick to that glacially slow pace–because that’s still better than no progress at all.
Here’s to creative upticks and awesome good news surprises to replace any feelings of disappointment.
BK, you’re so right about western NC. It is lovely country. We were at the conference a couple of years ago, and it was special.
Sometimes we just have to plug away and wait for the ideas to start percolating again. “Here’s to creative upticks and awesome good news surprises to replace any feelings of disappointment.” A great toast to end on!
I imagine disappointments in writing are kind of like losing a job, and I have had a lot of experience with that.
But I must say, that without exception, every time I got laid off or fired or the place closed down without warning (happened two or three times), eventually the results worked out better than if I had stood pat.
It is because nothing focuses the mind more wonderfully than unemployment, or in this case, rejection and disappointment.
You either man (or woman for that matter) up or shut up.
Hi Robert,
Thanks for checking in after a long day of no access to the site.
You’re so right that disappointment is a great way to focus the mind. In that way, it’s a benefit.
“You either man (or woman for that matter) up or shut up.” No use wallowing in self-pity. Get on with it. 🙂
The really disappointing ones are when you know you’re foolish for expecting a good result from a contest – and, yup, you didn’t make it.
Could have used a win at that point – everything leading up had pointed to it being a good possibility – but no one is entitled to even a small win, and often they don’t come.
Even if you tell yourself how many submissions they must have had, etc., you WERE getting ready to celebrate.
The good part: that expectation lifted your spirits up in the waiting period far more than the loss dumps them. And for a longer period.
Competition is a great example of contrasting expectations with reality. It can be good since it forces the writer to put all their effort into the cause. But writing is so subjective, it’s impossible to objectively choose a contest winner.
For example, we have a friend who entered a prestigious contest and didn’t make the finals. It was one of those contests where contestants received their scores from three judges who assessed their entry. Our friend told us she received scores in the 90’s from two of the judges and a score in the 50’s from the third one. There’s no way you can prepare for that. Although she was disappointed, I’m sure she’s a better writer because of the effort and the feedback from the judges.