By Joe Moore
Have you ever seen someone reading a novel at the beach, on a plane, train, doctor’s office, subway, or just noticed a book sitting on a coffee table in someone’s house? Next to having a friend or trusted colleague recommend a book, seeing someone else reading a book is a great product endorsement. After all, that stranger on the plane paid good money to buy it, and you can tell even from a distance just how much they’ve read. If it’s more than half way, that’s a great indicator that the book is worth your time. And what’s really cool is that every one of those books come with free advertising. It’s called cover art. Not only is seeing someone reading a book a good indication that it’s worth reading, but the cover helps reinforce the sell.
Now comes a new dilemma, a byproduct of the emergence of e-books. With the advent and growing popularity of e-readers like the Kindle, Nook, and iPad, there’s no more free advertising. Seeing someone reading from a Kindle on a plane or in a Starbucks tells you absolutely nothing about the book. How far have they read? Who knows. And what genre is it? After all, isn’t that the job of the cover art? Even in this era of the emerging e-readers, publishers still believe that books need graphic representations, if only for online marketing. But what about all that free advertising those authors got when their books showed up at the beach or on a train?
If the trend continues, someday it might be gone.
And now for my critique of today’s first-page submission to TKZ. I don’t know what the author’s WIP is called, so I’ll refer to it as The Birds. You’ll soon see why.
As I maneuvered through the after-work crowd and weaved between the tents of the farmer’s market in Daley Plaza, children clambered up the spine, mounted the wings, and slid down the belly of the 50-feet Picasso sculpture. At the market, people mused over smoked cheddar and peppercorn; heirloom, beefsteak and roma tomatoes; red and black raspberries; white and sweet potatoes; red, green, and yellow peppers and orchards of every variety.
Wild shadows cut across the sky and a gust of wind whooshed into my ear. I stopped cold. Lying at my feet, a seagull quivered. His wings were crooked and bones protruded through his gray feathers. Blood saturated his white underbelly and painted the ground, then the trembling ceased.
“Are you alright?” a man asked, “Did it hit you?”
Forming words seemed impossible. I shook my head.
“Poor thing,” said a woman.
The man tilted his head to the sky. “Never seen seagulls this far inland. Mostly pigeons around here.”
Hundreds of seagulls flying in disarray blocked out the fading evening light. Their cries reminded me of a maternity ward, when one newborn’s cries started up the rest of the babies. A great swoosh of wings stirred up the still air and reverberated across the sky. Something brushed against the back of my neck. Another, against the top of my head. I crouched, covering my ears. One by one the birds rained down on us. Bones snapped against the pavement. Bones crushed underfoot. People panicked and ran into each other. A man elbowed me in the side.
This is a dramatic opening. In fact, it’s verging on melodramatic. It’s also over written and somewhat confusing. Obviously, there’s some scary stuff going on in this scene. Something is making flocks of seagulls fly in disarray and crash into the ground. The problem for me was that the writing is way over the top and exaggerated. And the character is in no real danger, only the birds are. Still, it has some intrigue. An apocalyptic event or environmental situation is causing animals to fall from the sky right into the beefsteak tomatoes. That’s not to be taken lightly. I’d be interested in knowing what it is, but if I were an agent, I’m afraid I’d be hard pressed to keep reading. My advice to the writer is to pull back, distill the essence of this scene and proceed with an economy of words.
What do you think? Would you keep reading?
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I don’t know enough to know if there are gulls are Daley Plaza or not, but I do know that gulls can be found pretty deep inland. I’m also not sure that if birds started dropping from the sky that people would run in fear. They might try to get under something to keep from getting hit, but most would be curious, rather than fearful. For me, this page brought an end to my willing suspension of disbelief.
I think the page focuses too much on the birds and not enough on the main character. Who is this person? Male or female? I’d recommend the writer focus less on the birds and more on the protagonist and his/her reaction to what’s happening.
Joe, great insight on the book cover marketing on planes and trains, and the lack of with eReaders. Now that you mention it, I recall my last flight, squinting at the top of a passenger’s Kindle for the title…I never figured it out. Sad for the author.
I’m not far enough on own my writing journey to attempt critiquing another’s work, but I’d love to know why those birds were falling from the sky.
I hadn’t thought about that aspect of ereaders until you mentioned it, Joe. I’ll bet publishers (once they completely embrace epublishing) will eventually figure out a way to display the title. A design challenge!
Per the critique: I’d trim back the scene-setting description in the first paragraph, especially that long list of things people are eating–it’s way too much. The construction of the opening line also strikes me as weak. I’m not sure what it is about the construction “As I (did something),” but it doesn’t seem strong enough for a first line.
You might want to take a look at how Stephen King opens his “All hell breaks loose” stories, such as CELL.
By the way, does anyone know how Daphne Du Maurier opened her story THE BIRDS (on which the movie was based)? I tried to look it up but the book vendors don’t give a free story preview, dang ’em.
I definitely agree that we need to focus on the people not the birds – I actually think starting at the final paragraph might make it more exciting – then focus on the people. I think if it was a really strange sight (Albatross?) then people would pay attention – not sure the seagulls would at first grab anyone’s attention – and I have seen them way inland.
Having been surrounded by huge flocks of carnivorous birds, both seagulls and bald eagles (the majestic pests are apparently not endangered in Alaska) the idea of a scary bird book is indeed scary. That being said I didn’t connect with the intro. The writer lost me at tomatoes. Too much description. Then I was surprised to find a dead bird at my feet and thought I missed something in the market.
As far as e-reader public view covers, maybe we need something like that Arby’s hat to appear over our heads so people can see what we are reading. In certain implementations it could also crack down on cheating on tests at school.
Timothy, I had the same reaction. Thanks.
Joyce, I totally agree.
Brock, I think you’re going to be seeing a lot more ereaders as you travel.
You’re right, Kathryn, someone will find a way to solved the electronic cover art problem.
Clare, that is a much better place to kick off the story.
Basil, the Arby’s hat idea would definitely get my attention.
Kathryn, B&N has a preview of the audiobook available. I’m not positive it’s the beginning, but it sounds like it.
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/The-Birds/Daphne-Du-Maurier/e/9781405667609/?itm=3&USRI=the+birds+daphne+du+maurier
Thanks for the link, Mary! That was an interesting audio snippet–you’re right, it’s hard to tell if it’s the actual beginning of the book or an excerpt.
I’m the author. Thanks all. I really appreciate the feedback. And I confess that the beginning is borderline melodramatic. I was trying to open with something drama to get attention, but obviously I over did it. I know it’s not the best start but I did have an agent request more based on this beginning.
I’ve been planning to rework it and now I have a lot of advice to go by. Thanks again.
Agreed. I wouldn’t keep reading simply because I got lost. There’s a story here, but it’s buried. As they say, “Don’t bury the lead.”
The middle sentence of the first paragraph is backwards – we need to know it’s a statue before identifying the parts. I got thoroughly lost there. My brain stopped at “spine” and didn’t know how to continue. And there’s too much description next. I mean, we know it’s a farmer’s market but going on and on identifying specific foods reads like a laundry list.
This could easily be improved quite a bit by focusing on a character and describing the world through their eyes as they take in the scene as Joyce first mentioned.
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Actually, upon re-reading the passage simply lose the opening paragraph and it reads much better. Start there and it flows rather nicely. What purpose does the farmer’s market meet anyway? If there’s not a good reason to keep it, I’d lose it or at least move it.
The author could also try piecing the information from the first paragraph into the dialog though it can cause a slowdown. Something like this:
[Existing Content…] Blood saturated his white underbelly and painted the ground, then the trembling ceased.
As I stood there looking down at the fresh corpse, I was vaguely aware of a man maneuvering through the after-work crowd toward me.
“Are you alright?” the man asked, “Did it hit you?”
Forming words seemed impossible. I shook my head.
“Poor thing,” said a woman.
The man tilted his head to look above the tents of the farmer’s market at the sky. “Never seen seagulls this far inland. Mostly pigeons around Daley Plaza.”
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