by James Scott Bell
@jamesscottbell
The skillful handling of dialogue is the fastest way to improve any manuscript. And the fastest way to improve dialogue is to get rid of bloat (unnecessary fat; words that don’t add anything except to slow things down).
When you cut bloat you tighten talk. Agents, editors, and readers notice this. It boosts their confidence in the writer.
One place where I often find bloat is in the beginning of a newbie’s manuscript. That’s because the author is anxious to feed expositional material to the reader, thinking the reader needs to know this to understand the setup of the story. Here is an example from the old Perry Mason show, circa 1958. A couple is in their compartment on a train:
HARRIET
I still wish I were going to Mexico with you instead of staying here in Los Angeles.LAWRENCE
This trip’s going to be too dangerous, Harriet. It’s some of the most rugged terrain in the Sierra Madre mountains. It’s no place for a woman, especially my wife. It’s almost no place for an amateur archaeologist, either. Thanks for coming with me as far as Cole Grove station.
You see what’s happening? It’s an example of the writer shooting information to the viewers through expository dialogue. In fairness to the writer, that was done all the time in those old days of television.
But it’s death to dialogue if you do it in your opening pages.
Dialogue has to sound like it’s coming from one character to another, in a way that both fits the character and the moment.
The first thing to look out for is a character saying anything that both the characters already know.
In the above example, they both know they live in Los Angeles. They both know she’s his wife. They both know he’s an amateur archaeologist. They both know he’s going into the Sierra Madre mountains. And they both know they’re going as far as Cole Grove station.
Don’t do that, especially in the opening. But bloat can happen anywhere.
I was at a conference once mentoring some students. One of them turned in a manuscript with the following (used by permission). A woman (Betty) has been planting bombs to avenge the death of her son. She now has a forensic investigator (Kate, who has been closing in on her) tied up, and is threatening to kill her:
Betty looked down at Kate. The triumphant smile on her face faded into a snarl at the mention of her son’s death. “Why do you care?”
“Because if my son had died as a result of finding out about something terrible that had happened to him that I had kept hidden to protect him, I would want to blame the person responsible.” Kate thought she would try the empathy tactic. She did feel a great sorrow for Betty and her tragic story. She watched as Betty returned her statement with a hard stare.
Here in this tense moment, Kate has revealed to Betty facts about the case, but the dialogue sounds unnatural. The long line has information stuffed into it, and feels more like it’s for the reader’s benefit rather than the character’s.
I told the student to go back and cut all dialogue that is not absolutely true to the character and the emotional beats. What would either of them really say?
She came back later with the dialogue much improved. A tip: If you find a bloated section of dialogue and you think the reader absolutely needs the info, break it into short, tense exchanges. Turn information into confrontation.
In the Perry Mason example above, we could render in fiction like this:
“Let me come with you,” Harriet said.
“That part of Mexico’s too dangerous,” Lawrence said.
“It’s dangerous in L.A., too, if you haven’t noticed.”
Lawrence laughed and stroked her hair. “The Sierra Madres are no place for—”
“If you say a woman again I swear I’ll file for divorce.”
“Honey—”
“You’re an insurance salesman, not an archaeologist! The only rocks you should be looking at are in your head.”
“Now, now.” Lawrence looked out the window. “Here’s Cole Grove Station.”
“Don’t make me get off,” Harriet said.
“See you in two weeks,” Lawrence said.
Great dialogue keeps readers in the fictive dream. Bloat pulls them out of it. So never have a character answer the door and say something like, “Oh, hello Arthur, my family doctor from Baltimore. Thanks for coming to my home here on Mockingbird Lane.”
Comments welcome.
I call that , “As you know, Bob…” Great post. Too bad you weren’t around to advise The Perry Mason people. ;-).
But thinking back, it was pretty early in television days and viewers hadn’t been exposed to so much—half of them probably didn’t know where the Sierras were.
AKA the “Here we are in sunny Spain” opening.
Yes, those early TV shows had a limited period of time to set things up, so I have a little compassion.
“As you know, Bob” comes from science fiction writers where scientists explained some scientific fact or gadget to other scientists. And the science and the gadget were nonsense.
Yeah, and overstuffing those openings with made-up sci-fi jargon in an anxious attempt to world build.
Good stuff, Jim.
Bloated dialogue can destroy an otherwise decent story.
Your student also resorted to telling with “thought,” “feel,” and “watched.” If they read this post, here’s an easy trick: If you wouldn’t think it, your character shouldn’t either.
Meaning, if you’re stargazing, you wouldn’t say to yourself, “I’m watching the stars.” Rather, you’d notice how they sparkle or dim and their arrangement.
Cut the bloat from a character’s thoughts, as well.
Right on, Sue. Bloat can occur anywhere.
Info dumping through dialogue is still info dumping. In the romance world, they called it “Maid-Butler” speech where the maid and the butler would tell each other things they both knew.
Another is the characters calling each other by name unnecessarily.
Good timing, Jim. My critique group just busted my last submission for too much explanation in dialogue. Some of the bloat has to go. Other parts belong in exposition instead of dialogue.
But crappy first drafts are part of the process.
Wise words, Debbie. First get it written, then get it right.
I love that, Jim! Goin’ on my whiteboard…
☺️
Great advice, Jim. Bloated dialogue can give the reader mental indigestion. This is a good reminder for me to check the dialogue in my WIP to make sure characters aren’t telling each other what they already know.
The Perry Mason writers were probably so busy churning out weekly scripts, they just wanted to get the facts out. They could have used your advice. ✏️
The really great early TV writers, like Rod Serling, Reginald Rose, and Paddy Chayefsky we’re so good at setting information in confrontation. You never felt it was forced.
Great post, Jim.
It’s a temptation for sure to try to orient the reader to all the pertinent facts of the story, instead of letting the reader discover for themselves.
It’s kinda like when kiddos were young & we lived in LA. We’d take them to Disneyland or Knott’s Berry Farm & let them ride the roller coaster.
Only, being a conscientious mom, I’d try to explain every sensation they’d feel before we even got on so they wouldn’t be too scared. Oy!
Let’em go, mom! 🙄
Great analogy, Deb. It’s all about the ride.
Hey, like the new photo, JSB!
Me too! Taken by my son last Friday at the legendary Musso and Frank in Hollywood. We had dinner then went to Noir City at the Egyptian Theatre across the street. It’s our annual tradition.
Love the before and after example. It’s one thing to say – Don’t do this. But, it’s invaluable when I’m shown what to do instead. Thanks.
As soon as I’m done typing this, I’m off to my WIP and at least four places I believe I may have bloated dialogue.
Your WIP will love you for it!
I remember that clunky dialog exchange on “Parry Mason.” It was full on “Info-Dump Theater Presents” level of force feeding the audience information through dialog. In science fiction that used to be called “As you know, Bob dialog.”
Your tips on avoiding this are gold, and something to utilize, especially in revision.
One of the last things I do on a final draft is look at the dialogue, for places to cut. It makes such a difference.
Coming from an engineering background, I naturally write in a way that’s clear, complete, and concise — the classic engineering rule. The downside is that I often tell the story so leanly it falls well short of the word count most readers expect.
My challenge, in avoiding bloat, is learning how to add material that’s entertaining and structurally purposeful, rather than simple padding.
That’s a great challenge. Go for more interiority of character. Emotional, not just factual. And sprinkle in more senses, not just sight and sound, but touch and smell, too.