Today’s deadline slipped up on me, because of the holidays. So instead of a typical blog post, here’s a newspaper column I wrote some years ago. It borders on the absurd, but Faithful Followers always enjoy my Outdoor Detective. Hope you enjoy this White Elephant present, originally titled:
The Presence of Presents
I was filing my nails at my desk when the door burst open.
“You’re gonna have to fix that,” I told Wrong Willie.
“Replacement doors are cheap. Why are you filing nails?”
I glanced down at the pile of freshly sharpened ten-penny nails. “They were dull, and I need to build a doghouse.”
“You don’t have a dog.”
“It’s for me. I’ve been so busy lately I haven’t done my Christmas shopping. The Bride is a little irritated.”
He frowned. “With Christmas?”
“With me.”
“Well, you’re gonna get busy now, because I need the Outdoor Detective.”
“At your service.”
“I know.”
Mellow saxophone music filled the room. We still don’t know where it comes from.
Willie dug a folded piece of paper out of his pocket. When he found it, he threw down the shovel and put his tattered pants back on. “I need Christmas gifts for the Hunting Club, and I don’t have any idea of what to buy.”
“Stuff.” I smiled, because it was an excellent answer.
Willie agreed. “Good one, the problem –––.”
I took over, because that’s what I do. “–––is that as experienced and innovative outdoorsmen, we buy what we want when we need it, thus leaving few, if any, ideas for gifts.”
“You read my mind.”
“No, I’m reading your list.” I held it up. “That’s what you wrote at the top.”
We shared our bond with a handshake. “Next time let’s hug.”
“No. So, Outdoor Detective, do you have any ideas?”
“A few. We should go on vacation, and I think it’s good if you threw a party Friday night., but try this in answer to your quewstion.” I whipped a tarp off a four-foot high stack beside my desk.
The tarp lay there and glared, not understanding why it had been whipped.
Wrong Willie’s eyes widened. “What’s that?”
“Christmas catalogues.”
He whistled. It was Dixie. “You must have been collecting them for months.”
“These came in the mail yesterday. It’s that time of the season.”
“They must be full of ideas.”
“Yep, but we need to get busy, pronto!”
Pronto stepped forward and picked up a double handful. He’s been a help these past few weeks on other cases. The last was a case of beer.
“I’ll get right on it. Thanks for hiring me, boss.”
He left to peruse the catalogues.
I shouted through the broken door. “Come back!”
Willie returned and twiddled his thumbs. “Now what?”
“We need to talk about what you should to buy for the guys.”
He sat back down. “I forgot about them.”
“I know you did.”
“How?”
“Because I did, too, and I don’t have a clue.”
“Pure poetry.” Willie brightened before handing me a Clue board game.
I put on my sunglasses at his glow. “Speak.”
“Arf. How about buying them camo?”
“We’ve always used it when we hunt.”
“Good.”
“A camo wallet for Doc.” I made a note. It was an A flat.
“Like the one you lost the last time we were deer hunting?”
“Yes. I dropped it in the grass and we never found it.”
Willie held up a finger. It wasn’t his. “Perfect.”
“No, it wasn’t, and you should give that back to whoever it belongs to. But that wallet was worn on the edges and the stitching was coming undone.”
“Right. Now, what about Jerry Wayne.”
“He’s a large guy, likes long walks in the evenings–––.”
“What I meant was, what do you want to get him for Christmas?”
I considered that question. “A present.”
“Yes.”
We were pleased with our progress. I had another thought. “And Woodrow?”
“Large also. Bearded.”
“A present for him, too.”
Willie agreed. “Of course.”
I held out a photograph. “Is this them?”
Wrong Willie took the likeness and examined it closely. He finally glanced up from the magnifying glass and put it back into his pocket. “It looks like them, but this could be digital manipulation.”
“Get your digits off of it and give it back.”
He stopped manipulating the photo and returned it.
I nailed the picture back to the wall. “Well, that about does it.”
We smiled in satisfaction at my office. Willie stood. “Well, thanks for your help.”
“It was nothing.”
“Yes, it was.”
He left and I opened a catalog, suddenly recalling that I still hadn’t completed my own Christmas shopping. I made a list.
- Go shopping.
- Buy presents.
- Wrap presents.
Satisfied with the day’s achievements I lit a cigarette, then it stubbed it out in the ashtray because I don’t smoke. I sat back and relaxed, enjoying the soft saxophone music that always fills the air once I put on my Outdoor Detective fedora.
It’s good to be good.
Merry Christmas, y’all!