By Elaine Viets
Here’s one reason why I like my London publisher, Severn House: Editing.
Like most writers, I try to turn in clean copy. I’m also an editor myself. So I appreciate the masterful way Severn House edited my Angela Richman mystery, Late for His Own Funeral. The editors took care to fine-tune the sentences with small but significant changes.
Take a look at these. The way I wrote the selection is first. The edited version is second.
(1) In this first example, Angela is recalling her friend’s doomed marriage. The change helps set the scene.
Elaine: Back then, Sterling had seemed awed by Camilla’s cool elegance, and she fell in love with his humor and energy.
Severn House: When they first met, Sterling had seemed awed by Camilla’s cool elegance, and she fell in love with his humor and energy.
(2) Elaine: I walked over to him and looked right into his red eyes. We were both the same height.
Severn House: I walked over to him and looked right into his red eyes. We were the same height.
This change gets rid of a redundancy. If Angela could look the man in the eyes, then they were the same height. I didn’t need that “both.”
(3) Elaine: The cut on her forehead had been stitched. She’d have a heck of a bruise there tomorrow.
Severn House: The cut on her forehead had been stitched. She’d have a heck of a bruise there.
I didn’t need that “tomorrow.”
(4) This change makes the sentence sing.
Elaine: The child wore a pink polka-dot T-shirt and jeans, and had pink ribbons in her hair.
My editor rearranged it as:
Severn House: The child wore jeans and a pink polka-dot T-shirt, and had pink ribbons in her hair.
(5) Here’s a shorter way of saying the same thing:
Elaine: We were at my car now.
Severn House: We reached my car.
(6) Elaine: I fired up my iPad and opened up the Death Scene Investigation form.
Severn House: I fired up my iPad and opened the Death Scene Investigation form.
No need for that second “up.”
(7) Another unnecessary phrase bites the dust:
Elaine: “It’s going to be rough for a bit,” I said. “But you’ll get through it. I promise. You have a real advantage – one of the best lawyers in the Midwest.”
With that, Mrs. Ellis entered the room carrying a tray. “I’ve brought you some food, Camilla dear.”
Severn House: “It’s going to be rough for a bit,” I said. “But you’ll get through it. I promise. You have a real advantage – one of the best lawyers in the Midwest.”
Mrs. Ellis entered the room carrying a tray. “I’ve brought you some food, Camilla dear.”
(8) This small change makes for a cleaner sentence.
Elaine: I was on duty at midnight tonight, so I packed a small overnight bag with my DI uniform and added my office cell phone charger.
Severn House: I was on duty at midnight, so I packed a small overnight bag with my DI uniform and added my office cell phone charger.
(9) Elaine: Millie watched fascinated while the server mixed the ingredients together in a large glass bowl, then added the dressing and tossed the salad.
Severn House: Millie watched fascinated while the server mixed the ingredients in a large glass bowl, then added the dressing and tossed the salad.
If the ingredients were mixed in a bowl, naturally they’d be “together.”
(10) Here’s another two-letter change:
Elaine: Linda’s apartment, 615, was in the middle of the hall. I could hear the TV on and hoped Linda was home.
No need for that “on.” If I could hear the TV, it was definitely on.
(11) One last one-word change.
Elaine: I went home to my place, feeling discouraged. Chris and I didn’t have a fight. I just wanted to be alone tonight.
Severn House: I went home to my place, feeling discouraged. Chris and I didn’t have a fight. I just wanted to be alone
Most of these changes were small and subtle. Also, I don’t have to accept any that I don’t like. Some got lost in translation when they crossed the Atlantic. Like this one:
Angela says: “I was a bridesmaid in her wedding ten years ago, and we marched down the same aisle now blocked by her husband’s casket.”
The copyeditor had changed it to: “I was a bridesmaid ‘at’ her wedding.” I had to explain that if you’re “at a wedding” you’re attending it, while if you’re “in a wedding,” you’re an attendant.
Sometimes we truly are two countries divided by a common language.
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Preorder now! Sex and Death on the Beach will be out in paperback this December. https://tinyurl.com/r5z89jz6
Good stuff! I love editing. Tonight, I’m editing the publisher’s final working draft of my 140,000 word high fantasy, Sorcerer of Deathbird Mountain.
Example above:
“I was a bridesmaid in her wedding ten years ago, and we marched down the same aisle now blocked by her husband’s casket.”
My suggestion:
“I was her bridesmaid ten years ago, parading down the aisle now blocked by her husband’s casket.”
Congratulations on your fantasy. That should be fun to read.
Ouch, Elaine! Hope you heal quickly and breathe normally again.
I love revision & self-editing (which is why I wrote a book about it). I can’t resist intruding on this one:
Elaine: Back then, Sterling had seemed awed by Camilla’s cool elegance, and she fell in love with his humor and energy.
Severn House: When they first met, Sterling had seemed awed by Camilla’s cool elegance, and she fell in love with his humor and energy.
I always look to cut most hads because it makes the sentence sharper. I like your version better, with the had cut:
Back then, Sterling seemed awed by Camilla’s cool elegance, and she fell in love with his humor and energy.
It only hurts when I laugh, Jim. English is such a complicated language the editing possibilities are endless.
Speedy recovery, Elaine. I’m dealing with edits now, and it’s amazing how those little changes can make for a cleaner read.
Thanks, Terry. Just removing (or moving) a word or two makes all the difference.
Ouch! Rest up, Elaine and heal ASAP. Thanks for today’s post on editing–it’s truly crucial.
Thanks, Dale.
So sorry about your ribs, Elaine! Hope you have a quick, complete recovery.
We writers and editors agonize over tiny changes like “at” vs “in.” Readers never notice b/c they’re caught up in the story…until they hit a bump where an “off” word slipped through.
But they notice, like you said, when the read isn’t smooth. That’s why it’s important to fuss over those little word.
I mean words. I should have fussed more.
Two ribs? Let’s stop that stuff. Get well soon.
I mean words. I should have fussed more.
It’s definitely NOT on my list of experiences to repeat, Alan.
So sorry to hear about your broken ribs, Elaine. Best wishes for a speedy recovery.
Thanks for this info on editing. I’m grateful to have wonderful editors with bright red pens.
🙂
Hope your ribs heal quickly, Elaine. I love hearing that you’re so happy with the editing you receive at Severn House. They recently asked for a full manuscript after my agent submitted a proposal to them for my women’s fiction project. One of the things I miss the most about the publishing house that dropped me last year after 12 years is the amazing editing my books received from my editor and line editor–the same two did all 19 Amish romances, 12 novellas, 5 romantic suspense, and a women’s fiction book. I too learned so much from them. My latest book with another publisher didn’t get that kind of love. Fingers and toes are crossed for a Severn contract.