The Two Most Useless Lines of Dialogue in All Literature

Posted on by

by James Scott Bell
@jamesscottbell

The subtitle of my book on dialogue is The Fastest Way to Improve Any Manuscript. The converse, of course, is that dialogue can sink a book pretty darn fast, too. Sodden, cliché-ridden talk is like cement shoes on a mafia stoolie. Many a book has been found at the bottom of the East River because the dialogue dragged it down.

Before I get to the two most useless lines in literature, I have a runner-up. This couplet has been used so often it crossed over into the cliché zone around 1986:

“This isn’t about ____. It’s about ___.”

Now, you may have written such an exchange yourself, so I want to make something clear. I bear you no malice or derision. If you feel the absolute need to have a character say such a thing, I shall not throw a flag. I will, however, issue a warning. Clichés flatten the reading experience. Instead of delight, which is what you want to produce, the reader feels cheated. That feeling is usually subconscious, but why even flirt with that?

And by all means do not flirt with, entertain, or otherwise consider the two most useless lines in all literature:

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

I have never read this exchange (or seen it in a movie) except as a shorthand from the author demanding that I care about these people! They love each other, see? You now must love them, too, so that when tragedy befalls them you’ll really, REALLY care, because these are wonderful people who are in love, okay?

Only the effect is the opposite. It comes off as manipulation. It does nothing to make me believe the characters actually do love each other. Words are easy. You need to show me that they do. An action is aces for this, but an original line of dialogue counts as showing me, too.

Now, let’s nuance this a bit. While 98% of the time you don’t need the words “I love you,” there might be a few exceptions. Perhaps a man recovering from a traumatic brain injury, who finally opens his mouth to speak after months of silence, sees his wife at the bedside and utters, “I love you.”

Yeah, might work, though I think you could do better by thinking up some line of dialogue that was meaningful to them both early in the book, as in, “Let’s have chocolate croissants.” I dunno, you’re a writer, make something up. It’s more work than that easy-peasy “I love you,” but work that is worth it to a reader.

This cliché was demolished years ago in a commercial for a certain beer:

Or you can freshen the cliché by putting a spin on it, as Woody Allen does in Annie Hall:

ANNIE: Do you love me?

ALVY: Love is too weak a word for what—I lurve you. You know, I loave you. I luff you, with two F’s. Yes, I have to invent… of course I do. Don’t you think I do?

But for “I love you” followed by “I love you, too,” I cannot think of any exception. Find something else, anything else. The movie Ghost (1980) did it this way:

SAM: I love you, Molly. I’ve always loved you.

MOLLY: Ditto.

That word, Ditto, is not a throwaway, as it becomes a key clue later in the movie.

As I said, readers are cliché resistant. When they see one, it shoots past them without landing, without leaving any mark except a speed bump of dullness. The essence of dullness is predictability. Conversely, when you ditch a cliché for something original, it’s gladdens the reader’s heart.

UPDATE: I just remembered there’s a nuance here also. In my Romeo books, there are a couple of occasions when Mike’s friend and mentor, Ira, says something snarky yet insightful to him, and Mike replies, “I love you, too.” There it has an ironic twist. It’s also outside of the romantic love context which this post is primarily about.

So next time you’re tempted to have a character say “I love you,” and especially “I love you, too,” I want the words of Eliza Doolittle—as portrayed by the great Julie Andrews in My Fair Lady—pounding in your brain:

53 thoughts on “The Two Most Useless Lines of Dialogue in All Literature”

  1. Hard one I have to find a better way to deal with in the current volume:

    “There is no us.”

    Current replacement is a dead stare – and he walks away.

    It’s such a cliche any more. Suggestions?

    • Hmmm. First, please tell me the preceding line is not: “What about us?” If it is, start there. Maybe:

      HE: I feel a goodbye coming on.
      SHE: Don’t think of it as “goodbye.” Think of it as “A.M.F.”✻

      ✻ Adios My Friend.

        • There are many options, depending on the situation. English is only one of them.
          QUIZ SHOW HOST: What is the Japanese word for goodbye?
          CONTESTANT: Sayonara, not to be confused with cyanide, which is goodbye in any language.
          [Clifton Webb in “Sitting Pretty.”]

  2. ❦ My crazy 17th Century Spaniard only says ILY in a poem, and just once, though he is guilty of writing insincere love poems for rich, lonely women.
    ❦ But there are times when only “I love you” will do. Princess Janubel has been turned into a hideous creature and later says she’s to be known as Szheerak, a name she can say despite her fangs. Shocked, my MC, Hirand, eventually goes to her and says, “I love you, Szheerak,” accepting her new name.
    ❦ My 5th graders never say ILY: “Sharon just kept sobbing. I couldn’t think of anything more to say, and I knew if I just stood there, I’d cry, too, so I moved closer and put my hand on her arm. She leaned her head against my shoulder. It was a long time until she stopped crying. By then, I had both arms around her.”

  4. Interesting and thought-provoking, as always. My first publication “Words”, was a short-short told from his and then her POV, and it was about his not being able to say “I love you” first.
    In my Mapleton series, my newlyweds use the exchange “Love you to the moon,” then “and back.” Either character can initiate it. Right now, it’s meaningful to them, although eventually, I suppose, it’ll become rote, and I can work with that as part of their character arcs.
    I’d say the most useless line in dialogue is “Hello” when someone answers the phone.

  5. The useless dialogue I struggle with is the exchange of greetings. It can feel mundane if you have a scene where one character is introducing someone or meeting someone for the first time, but then I feel rude if I don’t include the dialogue of greeting when they first meet. LOL!

    So when editing I either try to eliminate the greeting altogether or otherwise find a way to change it from the cliche to something more interesting.

  6. Hmm, I’ve used “I love you” but not for a couple, for a grandfather/granddaughter during a dangerous situation where one or both may die. Preceding that sentiment, I’ve shown the love they share in numerous ways, but “My sweet child. I love you deeper than the ocean, higher than the sky, forever and ever, for all of eternity.” seemed like a natural response to: “Please don’t die. I can’t survive without you.”

  7. I haven’t written “I love you” in any of my books. At least, not that I can remember. At the end of the first book in the Watch series, the main character’s love interest gives her a watch with an inscription from him on the back; “Let it be me.”

  8. Duly noted, Jim. Thanks for the advice.

    I would say, in real life, it probably should be used a lot more. After nearly 30 years of marriage, my wife and I still use it as a greeting multiple times a day.

  9. As always, thanks Dr. Bell.

    I use some AI editing software to review my manuscripts before letting my human editor see it. One of the software’s many features is checking for clichés. From today’s discussion, I’ll add a few more to the database.

  10. Jim, what a great clip from My Fair Lady to illustrate your point. I loved–uh, er– revered, admired, was wowed by that soundtrack.

    In my series, ILY is rare, only exchanged between parent and child after difficult events. The male lead Tillman rarely shows his feelings and, b/c of that, has a troubled relationship with his children. In one book, he puts his arm around his daughter and says, “I love you.”
    “I love you, too, Dad, but you’re an aXXhole.”

  11. In my novel “Empowered Rebel,” I did write I love you—i had the love interest leave a note for my hero Mathilda (Mat). It floors her, and she thinks about those words she just read.

    I love you. Always.
    The tears won and spilled down my face. I rubbed them away.
    “Damn you, Sanchez,” I whispered. “I love you, too.”

  13. Great post, Jim. More learnin’ for me . . . 🙂

    From No Tomorrows:

    12-year-old Hank asks his Dad, Roger, what he’d do today if he knew he’d die to tomorrow.

    Roger looks at Annie, and says, “That’s easy. I’d mow the lawn.” (Chorus of giggles from the four children.)

    Hank says “Come on, Dad, be serious! Mow the lawn? On your last day above-ground?”

    “No, really. I’d mow the lawn, because then your mom wouldn’t have to worry about it for at least a week or two.”

    Annie can’t speak. God, how I love this man…

  14. In my current WIP, my MC has a hard time saying “I love you.” When her fiance says, “I love you,” she responds, “Thank you.” Then he says, “I believe the appropriate response is I Love you too.”
    Finally, she says, “Love you” as she slams the door to his truck upon exiting.
    BTW – I got to see you at ACFW get the prestigious award – congrats! You have definitely touched many lives, mine included. So, “I love you, JSB.” Fee free to respond, “Thank you.”

  15. Great post. Two of my favorite films (both with Emma Thompson) have the characters show their love for each other by verbal sparring: The Remains of the Day and Much Ado About Nothing. Watch these two movies, and it will change the way you write a love scene.

  16. As a romance writer, I snarl in your general direction. The trick to using it is that it’s been emotionally earned by both characters when they say it. The reader knows these people have been through some variation of Hell to reach this point, and every word has depth and meaning.

    • Well, in another favorite movie, The Cutting Edge, the characters don’t declare their love for each other until the end of the movie, after facing obstacle after obstacle. The viewers had to wait for that movie-ending, popcorn-selling kiss and declaration. It worked there.

    • In a romance, it’s “required” to show the realization of love, and then the utterance. Does it have to be stated as “I love you” or can it be a variation? I don’t know.

  18. Pingback: The Two Most Useless Lines of Dialogue in All Literature – Fix Yourself

Comments are closed.