First-Page Critique: A Mind Trap

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By Elaine Viets

Another Brave Author has given us what looks like a spy thriller. First, let’s read the first page. Then I’ll offer my comments, and you can add yours.

A Mind Trap
Everything in the dimly lit warehouse of the aerospace company appeared
to be as it should. And for Edward Malver, crouching in the deeper shadows of
some packing crates, everything was as it should be. His digital wristwatch showed it
was midnight and every employee except one security guard had gone home many
hours earlier.
Widely spaced overhead lighting cast pools of weak light in a murky realm of lighter
and darker shades of black. Metal shipping containers and wooden packing crates of
all sizes were stacked in rows like giant tombstones in a netherworld. Malver stood up
and hurried toward the exit downstairs.
He didn’t want to remain any longer than was absolutely necessary. The risk of
discovery increased with every passing minute, and the dark made him uneasy. Malver
shuddered. If he stayed in it too long, he knew the terrible memories would resurface to
savage him.
Malver was relieved to see how well his black pullover sweater and slacks blended in
with the surrounding darkness, camouflaging his tall slender frame and rendering him
almost a part of the darkness. He checked his blue nitrile examination gloves to be sure
they were not torn, then pulled a dark beanie further down over his gray-peppered black
hair. Walking with the silence of a shadow, he glanced around while listening for any
out-of-place sounds. All was as quiet as the grave.
Malver’s lock picks, both manual and electronic, rested in his nylon shoulder pouch next to the photographs he’d just taken of the secret Raptor missile. The Raptor was a surface-to-air missile with a “smart” computer guidance system making it virtually
impossible to fool or escape from. Really bad news for any fighter or bomber pilot it
was fired at. The Raptor had taken dozens of scientists seventeen years to develop
and perfect. Malver could have targeted the minds of some of the key scientists but it
was so much easier to just steal what he needed; truly a rare opportunity too good to
pass up, he thought.
He’d be selling the photos of the technical specifications and schematic diagrams
three days from tonight. The photos would earn him good money. But in this instance,
the money was secondary. Malver was pleased at how smoothly this operation was
going, on schedule and with no glitches.
Then he saw the security guard approach the catwalk

Elaine’s Comments:
Our Brave Author gets this novel off to a creepy start, but we need someone to root for – or against. Is Malver a good guy or a bad one? Is he an operative for the United States, or an enemy spy? Why does he need these plans and who will he give them to?
It’s important that we know.
For the sake of this critique, let’s say he’s a villain. Then this  thriller can have a dramatic race to keep the Raptor plans from falling into enemy hands.
Also, the opening needs to ratchet up the tension. In the first paragraph, I’ve made some small cuts to move the pace along. I also had Malvern checking his wrist watch, getting rid of the passive voice “his wrist watch showed it was . . .” I left the second paragraph untouched.
In Paragraphs 3 and 4, I’ve done more tightening, getting rid of unnecessary words such as “in,” “just” and “so” I changed “darkness” to “gloom” to avoid repeating the word. Nitrile “examination” gloves is unnecessary. Your readers know what nitrile gloves are. I cut “as the grave.” It’s cliched.
The phrase that puts manual and electronic lock picks in apposition has been recast, so the sentence moves smoothly. Also, I cleaned up some other phrases. The last paragraph is fine, except it needs a period at the end.

PARAGRAPH 1 Everything in the dimly lit warehouse of the aerospace company appeared to be as it should. AndfFor Russian agent Edward Malver, crouching in the deeper shadows of some the packing crates, everything was as it should. be. His wristwatch showed it was He checked his digital wristwatch. Midnight. ed it was midnight and Every employee except one security guard had gone home. The lazy Americans didn’t stay late. The new Cold War had started when President Vladimir Putin offered to support the Russian-speaking separatists in eastern Ukraine. The clueless West called his actions an invasion, but what did they know? History was on Mother Russia’s side. manyhours earlier.
PARAGRAPH 2 Widely spaced overhead lighting cast pools of weak light in the murky blackness. Metal shipping containers and wooden packing crates were stacked in rows like giant tombstones. Malver stood up and hurried toward the downstairs exit.
PARAGRAPH 3 Malver’s black pullover sweater and slacks blended in with the darkness, camouflaging his tall slender frame, and rendering him almost a part of the gloom. darkness. He checked his blue nitrile examination gloves to be sure they were not torn, then pulled a dark beanie further down over his gray-peppered black hair. Walking silent ly as a shadow, he glanced around, while listening for anything out of place sounds. All was as quiet. as the grave.
PARAGRAPH 4 Malver’s lock picks, both manual and electronic lock picks rested in his nylon shoulder pouch next to the photographs he’d just taken of the secret Raptor missile. Developed by the US, the Raptor was a surface-to-air missile with a “smart” computer guidance system making it virtually impossible to fool or escape. from. Really Bad news for any fighter or bomber pilot in its path. it was fired at. The Raptor had taken dozens of scientists seventeen years to develop and perfect. Malver could have targeted the minds of some of the key scientists’s minds, but it was so much easier to just steal what he needed. This ; truly a rare opportunity was too good to pass up, he thought.
PARAGRAPH 5 He’d be selling the photos of the technical specifications and schematic diagrams three days from tonight. The photos would earn him good money. But in this instance,
the money was secondary. Malver was pleased at how smoothly this operation was
going, on schedule and with no glitches.
PARAGRAPH 6 Then he saw the security guard approach the catwalk.

Here’s a clean version:
Everything in the dimly lit warehouse of the aerospace company appeared as it should. For Edward Malver, crouching in the deeper shadows of the packing crates, everything was as it should. He checked his digital wristwatch. Midnight. Every employee except one security guard had gone home. The lazy Americans didn’t stay late. The new Cold War had started when President Vladimir Putin offered to support the Russian-speaking separatists in Eastern Ukraine. The clueless West called Putin’s actions an invasion, but what did they know? History was on Mother Russia’s side.

Widely spaced overhead lighting cast pools of weak light in the murky blackness. Metal shipping containers and wooden packing crates were stacked in rows like giant tombstones. Malver stood up and hurried toward the downstairs exit.

Malver’s black pullover sweater and slacks blended with the darkness, camouflaging his tall slender frame, rendering him almost part of the gloom. He checked his blue nitrile gloves to be sure they were not torn, then pulled a dark beanie further down over his gray-peppered black hair. Walking silent as a shadow, he glanced around, listening for anything out of place. All was quiet.
Malver’s manual and electronic lock picks rested in his nylon shoulder pouch next to the photographs he’d taken of the secret Raptor missile. Developed by the United States, the Raptor was a surface-to-air missile with a “smart” computer guidance system making it virtually impossible to fool or escape. Bad news for any fighter or bomber pilot in its path. The Raptor had taken scientists seventeen years to develop and perfect. Malver could have targeted some of the key scientists’s minds, but it was much easier to steal what he needed. This rare opportunity was too good to pass up, he thought.
He’d be selling the photos of the technical specifications and schematic diagrams three days from tonight. The photos would earn him good money. But in this instance, the money was secondary. Malver was pleased at how smoothly this operation was going, on schedule and with no glitches.
Then he saw the security guard approach the catwalk.

TWO MORE NOTES: Some of your manuscript was in purple ink, and some in black. Please be consistent when you show it to an editor.
And finally, I like the name of your villain.
Keep writing, Brave Author.

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30 thoughts on “First-Page Critique: A Mind Trap”

  1. The one thing I wondered about is whether avoiding one security guard was the only security issue he had to deal with. Maybe it is perfectly normal to have only one person left guarding such a piece of technology but it just struck me that the POV character was having an easy time of it security-wise.

    • I thought the same thing. I worked as an inspector at McDonnell Douglas in Long Beach the presence of feds was felt rather than seen because you didn’t know who they were or where they were. I knew a couple of guys who had worked at Lockheed’s Skunk Works on the F117 project and they said that working there the security was extremely high.

    • I am in St. Louis. Warehouses for missiles and fighters as well as their labs are normal. Security isn’t one guy any more. It’s 300 cameras, motion sensors, and broad spectrum EM sensors. I have a friend who made a mistake of having his cell phone in his bag. Security showed up to take his phone.

  2. Excellent point, BK. If this Raptor was top secret, it would have more than one security guard — or at least, an explanation for why it was nearly unguarded.

  3. The author casts quite a scene, full of tension and promise. Elaine has taken care of many of the problems. I’ll just hit a few points.

    ❧Not much happens in this scene. There’s too much exposition, too much detail, too much lurking. It should be an action scene, in my opinion, with new danger at every step. The lockpicks, for just one item, are only a road-bump in the narrative. How much of this scene is retained is up to the author, of course. The following marks may become irrelevant, depending on how deep the action-emphasis edit goes. They’re here mostly for future reference.

    ❧I’d move the aerospace company reference further down, right after “employee”.
    ❧General note: Never say “some.” “…some packing crates…” Some is weak.
    ❧General note: avoid passive voice. Say “…packing crates of all sizes stood…
    ❧”Malver stood up…” Delete “up.” Change to “Malver rose…” to avoid a Marsha-Marsha.
    ❧”…and hurried toward the exit downstairs.” Most warehouses don’t have a “downstairs.” If this one does, you need to locate him “upstairs” in the first paragraph.
    ❧Be clear: “If he stayed in it too long…” Stayed in what?
    ❧”Malver was relieved…” Passive voice, and that sentence of him admiring his garb doesn’t ring true.
    ❧Marsha-Marsha alert: “darkness” used twice in close proximity.
    ❧How does he check the gloves? It’s too dark to see any holes. And the gloves are too thin to feel much. He could take them off and blow them up and see if the air leaks out. But he should have already done this before entering the warehouse. Another road-bump. Delete checking the gloves.
    ❧I’d suggest “watch cap” instead of “beanie,” which is ambiguous for older readers. A beanie was a silly looking little cap.
    ❧”All was as quiet as the grave.” Avoid cliches like the plague. In fact, this sentence belongs up top, but may be redundant.
    ❧”Malver’s lock picks…” This exposition is a bit awkward, especially since he’s probably already used these items to gain access. I’d recast the sentence or maybe just cast it.
    ❧The photographs? He’d need to illuminate the relevant papers, a point of maximum danger, so should the piece open with taking the photos?
    ❧”Malver could have targeted the minds…” Targeted? Too vague.
    ❧The Raptor paragraph, pure exposition, belongs elsewhere. Maybe as a prologue.
    ❧”Then he saw the security guard approach(ing) the catwalk.” This lacks locus. We don’t know where the catwalk is. Maybe he should hear the guard, instead. “Then, footsteps.”

    A decent first pass, but now it’s time for tightening, at a minimum, and maybe reworking the entire scene with emphasis on action and dynamic danger. Less is more.

  5. The original did have a lot of extra words.

    Technical stuff: Without a time frame the creeping in a warehouse with one guard isn’t realistic. Weapons warehouses have hundreds of cameras including ones that watch the other cameras.

    A missile in it’s shipping create may have the operations manual with it. But to get that you would need to open the container. A ground to air missile might be 10-20′ long and its box longer. Quite a job for one person.

    There are at least three operational missiles called Raptor now. Cool name but common.

    I do have a question for BA. “Malver could have targeted some of the key scientists’s minds, but it was much easier to steal what he needed.” If Malver has some sort of psychic ability this is going to be a very cool story.

  6. Thank you, Brave Author, for submitting your work.

    I like the idea of a man hiding in a warehouse. There’s opportunity for real tension. I’d like to know how it smells in there. Engine oil? Wooden crates? Sweat?

    Like JGuenther, I think there should be more action. Could you increase tension by having Malver wonder how many guards there are? Maybe add something that slithers by his foot. (Do they still have rats in warehouses?) Do the boxes creak or the metal roof twang? What if he hears a sound and holds his breath, trying to figure out what direction it came from.

    Also, I thought the paragraph that explained what he was wearing was too descriptive. I’d rather know how tall he was by having him stand up and peer over a six-foot high crate. And the phrase “then pulled a dark beanie further down over his gray-peppered black hair” seemed designed to tell us something about his age. Maybe you could find another way to get that information across.

    Bottom line: This is a great opportunity to draw out the suspense and have the reader holding his/her breath, wondering if Malver is going to be discovered.

    Good luck on this!

  7. I like the beginning of this story! Good job, BA…love espionage novels. And the critique is great, Elaine.

    Just a couple of things I noticed: “appeared as it should” and “everything was as it should” in the first and second sentences seems repetitious to me.

    Also, at the end of this first page: I think I’d change “He’d be selling the photos…” to “He’d sell the photos…”. Gets rid of the passive voice. I think. 🙂

  8. Good start, BA, and good advice. My personal bugaboo is self-description if you’re in the character’s POV, since I prefer a deep POV approach. That’s me. In this situation, would he think about his physical build or the color of his hair? Does he have more than one pair of gloves so he chooses the blue ones? Does it matter that his watch is digital? These details are coming from the author, not the character.
    There are better ways to get description across–and preferably later after you’ve built the tension.
    (And I agree, a ‘beanie’ is a cap with a propeller on top to me.)

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