by James Scott Bell
@jamesscottbell
Today we have another first page for the TKZ critique machine.
Last Man Standing
Molly Hammond stared in horror as her fake fingernail strained against the pull tab on her Coke can. Her brain told her to let go, but her hand wouldn’t listen. With a tiny pop, the nail snapped off and made a low sideways arc, landing gracefully in her new boss’s paper plate the man had just placed in front of him on the metal picnic table. As the nail settled between a mound of potato salad and a large helping of barbequed beans, Molly’s fledgling professional life flashed before her light brown eyes.
Oh god!
She stared at the cheap fire engine red plastic glaring back at her and wished with all her heart she could slip quietly beneath the table and down into the bowels of the earth. She was about to reach out to retrieve the cause of her embarrassment when the man slipped his fork beneath the nail along with a small helping of salad. He held it out and motioned in Molly’s direction.
“Well, Ms. Hammond.” He glanced at the fork and tilted his head toward Molly before looking back at the nail, the gesture an offer as well as a question. “I hope this isn’t one of our Your Time products.”
Molly felt her cheeks heat up, certain they’d morphed into the same shade as the nail. She shook her head. “I’m so sorry.” She thought she saw a hint of amusement in his blue eyes but she knew there was nothing funny about making a bad first impression with a no-nonsense businessman like Spencer Steele. He lowered the fork and slid the nail onto his napkin then folded the paper neatly into a small square and tossed it into a trash barrel behind him. Molly kept her eyes on her plate, her right hand in her lap and silently waited for the blazing July morning to finish her off.
JSB: I like this set up. A nervous new employee’s fingernail lands on her boss’s lunch. It’s unique, it’s action, and it is a sudden disturbance in this character’s world. On that last point, this page demonstrates that the opening disturbance does not have to be something “big” like a car chase or a gunfight. It’s enough that it is a matter of emotional importance to the character being revealed to us. A fingernail flying into a superior’s potato salad certainly qualifies.
But in order to take full advantage of this scene, there are a few matters that need to be clarified. We don’t want the reader pausing because the picture isn’t clear.
It’s worth a mention here that there’s a big difference between confusion and mystery. The latter is good. It has the reader thinking I want to keep turning pages to find out what the action is all about. The former is bad. It has the reader thinking I’m not quite sure what’s happening on the page in front of me.
In many cases the confusion is about the setting. That’s the problem here. Where exactly are we? What are the conditions? The picture is a bit out of focus.
When I read metal picnic table I immediately thought of a prison visiting area. That’s probably just my quirk, but in any case we need to know where this table is. We know it’s a meal featuring the employee and her boss. And the trash barrel indicates they are outside somewhere. But where? Are there other people around, or is it just the two of them? Who is “the man” who served the lunch?
The issue can be easily handled with a short paragraph after the first one (which, again, starts with a unique disturbance). Here’s an example:
The annual meet-and-greet picnic for new employees was supposed to be a casual affair. The courtyard of the Your Time Building was abuzz with happy anticipation and easy chatter. Now this!
Now the scene starts to come into focus. Think of it as a gentle turn of the camera lens. The reader can enjoy the rest of the scene now without a lingering question hanging in the background.
Another type of confusion arises when a reader asks something along the lines of Would she really? Here’s what I mean. Let’s go back to the beginning:
Molly Hammond stared in horror as her fake fingernail strained against the pull tab on her Coke can. Her brain told her to let go, but her hand wouldn’t listen.
Cute, but I don’t quite buy it. In this situation—wanting to impress her new boss—the moment her brain fired off that message I think she’d release the tab. Otherwise, I’m skeptical about her ability to be anyone’s employee.
I do like what the author is going for—a slo-mo effect as an embarrassing event unfolds.
We can achieve the same thing by shifting the focus a bit. For example:
With a tiny pop, Molly Hammond’s fake fingernail flew off the pull-tab of her Coke and made a low sideways arc through the air. She watched in horror as it landed gracefully on her new boss’s plate.
Editing Notes
Molly’s fledgling professional life flashed before her light brown eyes.
This is only a minor POV violation, but I’m a believer that these little “speed bumps” take something away from a reader being fully immersed.
So what’s the problem? Molly would not think of her “light brown eyes.” She knows what color her eyes are! As you write, always be firmly inside your viewpoint character’s head, having thoughts she would really have, not thoughts that are signals to the reader.
“Well, Ms. Hammond.” He glanced at the fork and tilted his head toward Molly before looking back at the nail, the gesture an offer as well as a question. “I hope this isn’t one of our Your Time products.”
Another fundamental to embrace is RUE: Resist the urge to explain. This is when the action and dialogue give us all we need to know without you offering up an explanatory line. That just dilutes the effect and gives us another, unnecessary speed bump. Here, you do not need the gesture an offer as well as a question. That’s already obvious from the head tilting and the dialogue.
Molly felt her cheeks heat up, certain they’d morphed into the same shade as the nail. She shook her head. “I’m so sorry.” She thought she saw a hint of amusement in his blue eyes but she knew there was nothing funny about making a bad first impression with a no-nonsense businessman like Spencer Steele.
I found this paragraph a bit clunky. The shaking of the head seems superfluous, and the dialogue is squeezed inside the paragraph. My suggested rewrite:
“I’m so sorry!” Molly felt her cheeks heat up, certain they’d morphed into the same shade as the nail….
[NOTE: Exclamation points should be rare, but I think in this moment one is called for!]
Finally, watch out for the physics of your scene. I like the last paragraph, but there’s some confusion there:
She thought she saw a hint of amusement in his blue eyes…He lowered the fork and slid the nail onto his napkin then folded the paper neatly into a small square and tossed it into a trash barrel behind him. Molly kept her eyes on her plate, her right hand in her lap and silently waited for the blazing July morning to finish her off.
Did you catch it? If Molly is keeping her eyes on her plate, how can she notice his blue eyes and disposal of the nail? It’s an easy fix. After the boss tosses the napkin Molly looked down at her plate, her right hand in her lap, waiting for the blazing July afternoon to finish her off.
[Note: I cut the adverb silently as it’s obvious. And if this is lunch, it would more likely be in the afternoon.]
As you can see, writing friend, there are only small matters here to take care of. Your overall page is a good one. I’m no romance expert, but I can’t help feeling this is an excellent romance setup. Unless Molly decides to murder her boss to save her career…then we’ve got a crime thriller I’d also like to read!
Comments are open.
Brave Author, I really enjoyed this first page, esp. the humor.
Most of us can immediately identify with a character trying (and failing) to make a good first impression on a new boss so we’re instantly rooting for her. That’s a major hurdle you achieved and done it well.
Jim’s suggestions are spot on (as always!).
I’d definitely turn the page. Thanks for sharing.
Haven’t finished my coffee…
Should read: That’s a major hurdle you achieved and you’ve done it well.
In context, we knew what you meant.
Great job, Brave Writer. I also liked the set up. One little nitpick to deepen the point of view.
Instead of: Molly felt her cheeks heat up, certain they’d morphed into the same shade as the nail.
Remove the telling word “felt” like this: Heat assaulted Molly’s cheeks.
Then tweak the bit about morphing into same shade as the nail (which I also like) to fit the rewrite.
When I read the page the first time through, I had to reread several sentences to understand what was happening. Breaking those sentences into shorter sentences, as JSB discussed, will help keep the reader moving forward.
Good job, Brave Author. You’re on the way to a good opening.
Bravo, Brave Author. Count me as another reader who liked this set up. It definitely feels like the start to a fun romance or a rom-com. Like Jim, if it turned out to be the opening to a thriller, count me in as well. I also agree with his excellent revision suggestions. The POV one definitely would fix the minor speed bump I encountered when reading about her life flashing before her light brown eyes.”
Well done!
Congratulations, Brave Author, on your work. I also like the setup. Having a broken fingernail endanger a new career is fresh, and it’s something many of us can relate to.
Making the changes JSB suggests would turn this into a first-rate first page.
I have one small suggestion you may want to consider: I’d like to see the tension drawn out a bit longer. Maybe have the woman try to retrieve the nail while the boss is talking to another new employee on his opposite side. Make the reader wonder if she’ll get the offensive fingernail before he sees it. You may be able to milk that for a couple of paragraphs and make the reader work over their own fingernails in the process.
Love this suggestion, Kay! Milk that tension and set the hook deeper 🙂
My thought, too. Work the tension. Make him actually bring the forkful of tater salad to his lips, the nail apparently unseen. O the horror❢ She wonders whether he’ll choke to death and reacts . . . before noticing the gleam in his eyes. He catapults the nail two-handed into the nearest trash bin.
This is actually one of the better Brave-Author-submissions. Everything almost works. Except for her [burning] face [taking on] the shade of the nail — “Scarlet Tornado,” innit? A bit too hyperbolic for me. Your call, though.
But why would he hope it’s NOT one of their products? He should say the opposite.
I feel the urge to go deeper. Instead, I’ll just say tighten the heck out of the piece. Most of my potential fuss-budgetry consists of taking things out. B-A knows how.
Like this first page…trying to impress a new boss has landed me in hot water & embarrassment more than once. Good job, Anon. These are great suggestions.
I’d definitely turn the page (especially if one of the characters has murder in his/her heart).
Your page one is original and entertaining. I agree with Kay and others after Kay. The minute the fingernail landed, I said to myself: how is she going to retrieve it without him noticing? Great opportunity to expand the tension.
I’m also going to write RUE on a sticky note for the side my computer.
A good start, brave author, and excellent comments from JSB and others, too. The story will only get better from here on.
Meta Suggestion to TKZ Staffers
As a thankful recipient of two First Page Critiques myself, and noticing the tendency of the posters or staff to insert images at the top of these critiques, may I suggest you please not do this? (assuming these aren’t provided by the authors)
Brain science tells us that humans are extremely sensitive to images. In fact, visualizing is the key ingredient of storytelling, whether creating or reading the story. Consequently, those inserted images are the first things people respond to, and it predisposes them to feel something that may or may not be part of the text to be read.
Just a friendly suggestion. 😉
Excellent point, Harald. Thanks.
I like it! It is a cute little scene. In my view Mr. Steele saw the broken nail for what it is, a humorous mishap. BTW my wife has had the same manicurist 30 plus years. Several years longer than we have been married. I know all about the horror of a broken nail. I guess I would need to keep reading to see if this was a career ender, a romance starter, or just a lighter way to start the story.
That is a thing though. What am a reading? A thousand Harlequins start this way. Not so many thrillers or murders. I can go either way, just point me there.
One nit to pick. Spencer Steele. He really does belong in a book with Fabio on the cover. If that is what you are going for, go forth. If it isn’t, maybe a different name. It is just me.