First Page Critique: Innocent to a Fault

Happy Monday! Today’s first page critique is for a novel entitled ‘Innocent to a Fault’ and, although we don’t have a genre specified, I’m assuming it is going to be a mystery or a thriller. The fact that this isn’t clear is indicative of some the key issues facing this page – which you can see discussed in the comments that follow. I’m looking forward to getting input and support from our TKZ community to help guide our brave submitter on how to address the issues raised and turn this into a compelling first page. Here we go!
INNOCENT TO A FAULT
Thirty-three years ago, on a sunny October afternoon, driving a classic GTO that he’d just stolen from his neighbor’s carport, a teenager murdered our parents. Celia was 18, Katie was 16, and I was 12 when the Springville police notified us about the horrible accident. Because the kid was about my age, he was given a rap to the knuckles as punishment. At that devastating time, I didn’t know who I hated more—the delinquent for destroying so many lives, or the legal system for saying, “Boys will be boys.”
Nana said the hate I felt harmed me more than anyone, so I tried keeping it in check. But I failed badly, mainly because I needed to feel something and since I couldn’t love my parents any longer, hate filled the void.
During those early days of loss, feeling more anger than a child ever should, I came to two conclusions. One, that sometimes hating a person feels good, no matter how self-destructive.  And two, people who hurt others should face punishment, with no excuses allowed. Or more simply, if they couldn’t do the time, they should not have done the crime.
I know some will disagree, but I believe those who commit crimes are selfish to the core. They figure what they want is more important than what’s right. If selfish behavior could be obliterated, murders, thefts, rapes, all crimes would go down significantly.
My sister Celia is of a different mind. She believes sometimes good people do bad things, and each situation should have room for wiggle, which was why her daughter turned out the way she had. Reni had been wiggling out of trouble since puberty, with Celia always nearby, excuse in hand.
A few weeks ago Reni got involved in trouble that even Celia couldn’t justify. The scheme was criminal, and it all hinged on me. I learned about the plot during an unexpected visit from my niece.
With little preamble, Reni presented me with two choices: commit a felony, which would keep my family safe, or refuse and see my family destroyed. It was then that I understood Celia’s wiggle room philosophy that sometimes a good person has only bad options.
I thought about those bad options—while being more scared than I’ve ever been in my life—and made my decision.
I don’t know if I would make the same choice today.
(end of Chapter 1)
 
Overall Comments
The most significant concern I have with this submission is that it reads like a synopsis not the first page to a novel. Not only have we been given the entire backstory to the narrator’s current situation but we’re also being told the entire set up for the novel without having any action, dialogue, character development, or inciting incident. All we really have is exposition and explanation that robs the first page of all dramatic tension and makes it feel like the summary of a plot rather than the start of a work of fiction. That being said, we do get some sense of the conflict that (I assume) forms the backbone of the story in the choice presented our narrator (“commit a felony, which would keep my family safe, or refuse and see my family destroyed.”) What we don’t have is a dramatic scene unfolding to show us this choice.
This first page introduces us to five characters without giving us any real sense of them as people. There’s the narrator (who is in his or her mid 40’s – the fact that we have no idea even about gender is indicative of the lack of character development); his/her sisters Celia and Katie, Nana, and Reni, Celia’s wayward daughter. That’s a lot of characters for a first page especially in the absence of action or dialogue, and when we don’t yet have any setting or real sense of time or place (everything is presented in the past tense). What we do have is a lot of explanations, theories, and beliefs – all of which could definitely come into the novel as we learn more about the narrator, but which seem very ‘non-fiction’-esque when laid out so fully in a first page. Despite these significant issues, however, there are definite stirrings of a voice for this narrator.  Brave submitter, I think that if you use this first page as an exploration of your narrator’s voice and POV, then you have a solid foundation on which to build a compelling first page.
Specific Comments
Given the major concerns I raised in my overall comments, I thought the most useful feedback I could give was to highlight specific issues and recommendations in bold/italics throughout the text of this first page. I hope these will be received in the spirit in which they are intended – as honest and helpful feedback that our brave submitter can use to start drafting a great first page. Again, here goes!
INNOCENT TO A FAULT (Odd title choice – doesn’t really seem to mesh with the story outline that follows)
Thirty-three years ago, on a sunny October afternoon, driving a classic GTO that he’d just stolen from his neighbor’s carport, a teenager murdered our parents. (This first line has too many details and yet is still strangely distancing – my recommendation is to either start with a visceral/vivid flashback to that day 33 years ago, or start with a scene in which the narrator is reminded of this traumatic event. We need to be taken straight into a scene and shown the full impact of this event on the narrator’s life. At the moment everything is merely being told to us as readers.)
Celia was 18, Katie was 16, and I was 12 when the Springville police notified us about the horrible accident. (We have nothing to ground us in the scene or make us care about the narrator or his sisters – age specifics seem unnecessary when we can’t picture who any of these characters are) Because the kid was about my age, he was given a rap to the knuckles as punishment. At that devastating time, I didn’t know who I hated more—the delinquent for destroying so many lives, or the legal system for saying, “Boys will be boys.” (Too much telling. Let the reader see the scene in the courtroom when he was sentenced. You need to decide in this first page whether your scene is set in the past or the present – at the moment we’re just being told the backstory.)
Nana said the hate I felt harmed me more than anyone, so I tried keeping it in check. But I failed badly, mainly because I needed to feel something and since I couldn’t love my parents any longer, hate filled the void. (Too much telling. We don’t know anything about the family let alone the character of Nana. Show us why the narrator was harmed more than anyone. Have the story unfold about the failure and how hate filled the void.)
During those early days of loss, feeling more anger than a child ever should, I came to two conclusions. One, that sometimes hating a person feels good, no matter how self-destructive.  And two, people who hurt others should face punishment, with no excuses allowed. Or more simply, if they couldn’t do the time, they should not have done the crime. (Show us this and structure a scene to demonstrate this to us. A conversation between siblings perhaps on the anniversary of their parents death (?)…)
I know some will disagree, but I believe those who commit crimes are selfish to the core. They figure what they want is more important than what’s right. If selfish behavior could be obliterated, murders, thefts, rapes, all crimes would go down significantly. (This reads as an opinion piece not the opening to a novel)
My sister Celia is of a different mind. She believes sometimes good people do bad things, and each situation should have room for wiggle, which was why her daughter turned out the way she had. Reni had been wiggling out of trouble since puberty, with Celia always nearby, excuse in hand. (Again we’re just being told characters’ opinions and behavior. We need to inhabit a scene where this is shown to us. Maybe this first page has Reni and the narrator and his sister Celia at a family function where this plays out in terms of action and dialogue.) 
A few weeks ago Reni got involved in trouble that even Celia couldn’t justify. (Too vague.) The scheme was criminal, and it all hinged on me. (Again too vague – is it petty crime, is it murder? – could be anything.) I learned about the plot during an unexpected visit from my niece. (Let us see this visit. Let us see the confrontation. It sounds like it is the pivotal event which sets the story in motion so we have to see it.)
With little preamble, Reni presented me with two choices: commit a felony, which would keep my family safe, or refuse and see my family destroyed. (We need may more details about the family dynamics and characters to understand this. If this is the critical conflict in the novel we need dramatic build up and a real scene to see this play out…) It was then that I understood Celia’s wiggle room philosophy that sometimes a good person has only bad options. (Again we have no real sense of character yet so why as readers should we care about the narrator’s dilemma or Celia’s philosophy?)
I thought about those bad options—while being more scared than I’ve ever been in my life—and made my decision. (At this stage the reader has no idea why the narrator was scared or the basis for making the decision. We don’t even really understand the basis for the ‘bad options’ being presented. We need a real story presenting this dilemma in dramatic terms)
I don’t know if I would make the same choice today. (I like this as an end line but we need a scene before this that builds character and dramatic tension so it can resonate)
(end of Chapter 1) (I don’t understand this either – this is only a page – how can it be the end of Chapter 1 when nothing in dramatic terms has actually happened?)
 
So TKZers, I’d love to hear your guidance and feedback to help our brave submitter on his/her path to producing a great first page. Looking forward to seeing your comments!

14 thoughts on “First Page Critique: Innocent to a Fault

  1. A really helpful critique, Clare.

    There’s a lot to like about this voice, clear, crisp, well-written. The backstory is compelling and will likely play a large part in the current story. But, as Clare points out, the reader doesn’t know who the voice belongs to and this reads like a nonfiction summation, not a novel.

    What if the story opens when Reni shows up at door of the “I” character? She could say, “Uncle/Aunt So-and-so, you’ve gotta help me.” That establishes the narrator’s name and gender and introduces the story problem.

    The narrator could react by saying, “Not again, Reni. What is it this time?” That hints at Reni’s wayward history. Maybe add a thought about how annoyed the narrator is that sister Celia is a helicopter parent. That shows a bit of family dynamics.

    Maybe then add an oblique reference to the haunted past. “Reni, if you want to know what real problems are, try having your parents murdered when you were twelve.”

    The rest of the backstory can then be woven in as needed.

    Brave Author, you have a strong, intriguing premise. Work that into dramatic scenes and you’ll have a solid start. I’d definitely like to see more. Best of luck!

  2. Brave author, thanks for sharing your opening chapter here. I very much agree with Clare’s feedback and Debbie’s comments. You have a great setup for a thriller here, but it’s defused in the backstory.

    I like Debbie’s suggestion a great deal, it’s a fine way to ope your novel. The narrator’s black sheep niece shows up on his doorstep with a request or even a demand that he help her out of a jam she’s gotten herself into.

    Like Clare noted, we’re going to need some context for this, but it can be fed in bits and pieces. Start with a dramatic scene to showcase the opening disturbance, in this case Reni’s arrival, things get moving, questions get raised in the reader’s mind, and thensome backstory can be shared. Continuing to withhold the rest of it for a bit longer will add to the tension because the reader will want those story questions answered. Of course, when you do share the story of the POV’s parents being killed in an accident, and the comment “boys will be boys,” that will raise new questions.

    As Debbie noted, you have a great setup and premise for you novel here, open dramatically and feed the reader some back story once you’ve hooked them. Keep at it!

    • Dale – I agree withholding just the right amount of information in this piece will be really help create dramatic tension and draw a reader in. I can imagine just a set up where the comment “boys will be boys” ends up being particularly chilling.

  3. Congratulations, Brave Author, on your writing. And thank you, Clare, for your excellent critique.

    As others have noted, this sounds like a good premise for a story, but I agree that there’s too much telling. I like Debbie’s suggestion to start with the niece. Maybe even a strong bit of intriguing dialogue as the opening sentence, like “Are you kidding me? You spoiled brat, you’re asking me to commit a felony.” As the story unfolds, the backstory can be presented in flashbacks.

    You have a strong writing style. The cadence of the piece flows. And you’ve presented the reader with a fundamental issue that we all wonder about: how far will we go to keep our family safe? I’m interested to know what this character will do. Good luck!

    • Kay – agree there is strong writing here and a fundamental issue that is already compelling. Flashbacks could be a great way of presenting backstory here without disturbing the narrative flow.

  4. I feel I need to preface this with my best friend was murdered by a DWI in July, 1979. I could be Reni’s uncle. I have never used any other word for it.

    Author, I feel your story. I may have lived your story. You need to tell it differently and let it play out. Look over what Clare has said. She nails it. There is too much telling of things that can be on later pages. Concentrate on one or two characters.

    I am going to leave with two suggestions. Start with the crash, perhaps the metal on metal slap and flying glass as the orange 1970 GTO slammed full speed into my parents Impala. Mom was killed on impact. Daddy, in the driver’s seat, bled out waiting for the ambulance. Bobby, drunk as he was remembered to put on his seat belt. Twenty-five stitches and he was fine and bitching about totally his ‘vintage ride’.

    Thirty-three years from today would be 1988. Vehicular homicide was a rare charge then. Look up what the normal charges would have been for where your story takes place. For St. Louis in 1988 a year in jail and another year of license suspension would have been normal.

    I think you have something here. Tell it like a story. I would like to see it.

  5. Late to the party. Never received an email… 🙁

    I agree with you, Clare, great critique. I felt like I was floundering around trying to figure out who these people were.

    My younger brother was killed in a drunk driving accident in 1984. He was 20, I was 30. It was the most traumatic thing, at that time, that my family had ever endured.

    Do you know what I can still see? We all gathered at Mom and Dad’s the next day and stayed into the night. Sitting in the family room, trying to make sense of it. TV was on. The local news started. And suddenly we were faced with a shot of the interior of the car in which my brother had been a front seat passenger. Front end of the vehicle was accordioned inward. The dashboard would’ve been jammed against his chest.

    When I remember it, it’s still too visceral, too heartrending to process. And our Mother collapsing against the counter in the kitchen…again…I can still hear her moans.

    That’s what I remember. BA, you have a strong voice. Make us feel and see and touch and taste your protag’s agony and anger, even 33 years later. Thanks for submitting, and I hope to see your novel in print.

    • Deb
      So very sorry to hear about your brother – this piece has clearly raised many difficult memories but this also means it has the power to compel and resonate with readers. You provide some very visceral images from your own tragic experience and thank you for that – I hope our brave submitter takes these to heart.

  6. Thank-you for sharing your work with us, brave writer. I have to agree with Claire about the page reading more like a synopsis. Here are a few suggestions to get you pointed in the right direction:

    Story Title
    “Innocent to a Fault” sounds a little clunky to my ear. Maybe think of a strong one-word title. “Innocent” perhaps? (The title isn’t really something to fret about now, however.)

    Scene Structure

    Rather than a character giving a long diatribe about his life history on the first page, begin with a scene that will show your character in action. It is during the action that you will add bits of backstory in small doses. Have you ever met someone at a party and had that person start giving you his life history like a speech? If so, you were probably thinking about how quickly you’d like to get away from that person. Just like people, readers are more drawn to characters where there’s a bit of mystery and they find things out in bits.

    Perhaps you might begin by dramatizing the scene with Reni to introduce your character.

    Scenes must have structure. Here are some good books for you to consider reading:

    “Goal, Motivation, and Conflict” by Debra Dixon
    “Scene and Structure” by Jack M. Bickham
    “Make a Scene” by Jordan E. Rosenfeld
    “Plot and Structure” by James Scott Bell

    Articles Online by Janice Hardy (use a search engine to find them):

    “Taking the Scenic Route: Scenes and Sequels”
    “Telling Yourself to Show: How to Identify Flat Scenes”

    When you understand the principles of structure, you will begin to write in scenes.

    Introducing Your Protagonist

    One of the most important things you need to do immediately is to introduce your protagonist: the main character that readers will want to follow throughout the length of the book.

    Read “Making an Entrance” by Barbara Kyle. Use a search engine to find the article.

    Read “Introduce Your Character to the Reader” by Monica Partridge.
    Also read “Example of How To Introduce Your Protagonist (Erin Brockovich)” by Monica Partridge

    The articles by Monica are about screenwriting, but the information is golden. Again, use a search engine to locate them.

    The most helpful thing I can say is to begin with a scene with interesting dialogue in an unusual or fascinating place with an unforgettable character. There’s more I could say about the writing itself here, but I think the first step is to get the scene going. Instead of telling the reader about what happened with Reni, throw the reader right into a scene with dialogue. As Claire mentioned, don’t put too many characters in the first scene or you’ll overwhelm your reader. I hope this helps.

    Best of luck, and keep writing!

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