Happy Monday! Today’s first page critique is for a novel entitled ‘Lethal Impulse’ (which definitely suggests a mystery or thriller!). My comments follow and I look forward to getting further advice and input to help our brave submitter! See you on the other side…
Lethal Impulse
Chapter One
The time had come for the wife of Madison’s police chief to stain the town’s pride. Tess Fleishman decided on a manner unbecoming a Southern belle, antebellum homes, and the best small town to live in Georgia. She inhaled the humid air ripe with the scent of pine. An essence of success released an adrenalin rush as she filmed Vanessa Flack running through the pine thicket.
The sun’s rays conveyed a strobe effect on Vanessa’s yellow tee and orange shorts. The eighteen-year-old raced across uneven terrain, fought low hanging limbs, and craned her neck to look for her assailant. Vanessa cut over to the dirt road and hustled up the red clay embankment. She heaved breaths and rested her hands on her hips.
“How was that?” Vanessa puffed out the words.
Tess clapped. She ducked through the open driver’s window and backed out holding a towel and an insulate tumbler. “You showed me I made the right choice.”
Vanessa draped the towel around her neck and dabbed her face. “Thank you for this, Tess.”
Tess set the camera affixed to a tripod on the rear seat. “You can thank me when it’s over. I need your help with this next part because the doctor told me I’m not to lift anything over twenty pounds.” She popped open the trunk.
Vanessa embraced Tess. “I heard about your diagnosis. I thought about going into oncology once I complete medical school. That’s still a long way off, though. What has the doctor said about your prognosis?”
“We view my future differently. I’m hoping for remission.” Tess gestured to the trunk. “Climb in.”
Vanessa glanced inside the trunk. She retreated two strides. “Do I have to get in there? It looks grimy.”
“We can’t let anybody see you with me, Vanessa. It will ruin the surprise. It’s only until we get to the barn.”
Vanessa clambered into the trunk. Tess swathed towels around Vanessa’s wrists and ankles before she bound them with paracord. Vanessa thanked Tess for the use of towels to prevent ligature marks on her skin.
Tess grinned. “A killer must focus on details, Vanessa.”
General Comments
The last line certainly got my attention on this first page! I thought the author did a good job setting the scene for what the reader is sure is not what it seems at first glance…and a scene that definitely sets the stage for the taut mystery or thriller to come. That being said, I wasn’t completely grounded in this first page and I think part of this was because (a) I wasn’t entirely sure of the mood/tone though it was certainly suggestive of something dark (which I love); and (b) I didn’t have enough background to understand what was going on (or at least what Vanessa thought was going on…). Both of these issues are easily fixed and I certainly think this first page has heaps of potential. I’m also pleased that there was dialogue/another character given how my last blog post illustrated the pitfalls of having the protagonist alone on the first page! I think the dialogue with Vanessa successfully raised red flags while also sounding believable but I would have liked a little more detail to fully understand what Vanessa thought she doing (acting in a short movie I’m assuming?) and why she was so willing to submit to being bound and placed in the trunk. I also wondered about the POV – As a reader, I wanted more insight or internal monologue for Tess but this might not be what the author wants (which is fine). Overall, bravo to our brave submitter!
Specific Comments
I thought the best way to tackle identifying more specific issues/comments was to go through this first page and highlight these in bold and italics. Hopefully this approach helps illustrate the areas where I think further revisions/clarification could be helpful…Here goes…
The time had come for the wife of Madison’s police chief to stain the town’s pride (I don’t love this expression and given how this first scene pans out I think it could be stronger) Tess Fleishman decided on a manner unbecoming a Southern belle, antebellum homes, and the best small town to live in Georgia (this is where I wasn’t sure about tone as it’s very light but then the scene that follows seems to hint at something darker so maybe have more than just a ‘manner unbecoming’?) . She inhaled the humid air ripe with the scent of pine. An essence of success (I don’t really know what this means) released an adrenalin rush as she filmed Vanessa Flack running through the pine (repetition of pine – maybe chose another word) thicket.
The sun’s rays conveyed a strobe effect on Vanessa’s yellow tee and orange shorts. The eighteen-year-old raced across uneven terrain, fought low hanging limbs, and craned her neck to look for her assailant. Vanessa cut over to the dirt road and hustled up the red clay embankment. She heaved breaths and rested her hands on her hips. (Like how this sets the scene nicely – I could totally visualize this)
“How was that?” Vanessa puffed out the words.
Tess clapped. She ducked through the open driver’s window and backed out holding a towel and an insulate tumbler. (Is she in or out of the car?) “You showed me I made the right choice.”
Vanessa draped the towel around her neck and dabbed her face. “Thank you for this, Tess.” (This is where I wanted more background detail/clarification about what Vanessa thinks she’s doing…)
Tess set the camera affixed to a tripod on the rear seat. “You can thank me when it’s over. I need your help with this next part because the doctor told me I’m not to lift anything over twenty pounds.” She popped open the trunk.
Vanessa embraced Tess (At first I thought Tess was still in the car – maybe clarify how she’d been filming earlier). “I heard about your diagnosis. I thought about going into oncology once I complete medical school. That’s still a long way off, though. What has the doctor said about your prognosis?” (The cancer issue seemed to come a bit our of nowhere and perhaps needs just one additional line. This is also where I felt like we needed a better sense of POV – are we viewing everything through Tess or is it 3rd person omniscient as I almost want some inside view on Tess’s motivation)
“We view my future differently. I’m hoping for remission.” Tess gestured to the trunk. “Climb in.”
Vanessa glanced inside the trunk. She retreated two strides. “Do I have to get in there? It looks grimy.”
“We can’t let anybody see you with me, Vanessa. It will ruin the surprise. It’s only until we get to the barn.” (Again, as a reader I feel I need to have more background as to what Vanessa thinks she’s involved in – getting into a trunk is pretty extreme.)
Vanessa clambered into the trunk. Tess swathed towels around Vanessa’s wrists and ankles before she bound them with paracord. Vanessa thanked Tess for the use of towels to prevent ligature marks on her skin.
Tess grinned. “A killer must focus on details, Vanessa.”
(Love this last line but just needed more details/background or at least further hints to understand why Vanessa would agree to this…and if Tess’s intentions are darker, maybe a few more hints on that…)
Hope some of these comments are helpful to our brave submitter. My fellow TKZers, what advice/comments would you provide?
Good observations, Clare, and I completely agree with your changes on the opening. Our Brave Author’s first page shows promise. Good luck!
Thanks Elaine, I do think this page shows promise and most of my comments are easily addressed.
Excellent suggestions, Clare. I got the impression that these two were planning a fake kidnapping/murder. Brave Writer, if I’m mistaken, you need to set the tone better, as Clare mentioned, so the reader knows it’s a darker storyline. As written, you might attract the wrong audience and that could have dire consequences.
I should add: If I’m right, great job! 🙂
Yes – agreed. We just need a few more hints to be sure of the tone because you don’t want a cozy reader thinking this is a more lighthearted mystery if it’s actually way darker!
Great suggestions, Clare.
I too was unsure of where the characters were. Is Tess in or out of the car? How close is Vanessa to Tess when she stops running? Where is the camera and tripod? Is it outside the car at first then Tess puts it inside?
If the Brave Author clears up the staging and choreography, that will help the reader stay focused on the mysterious actions w/o wondering where the characters are in relation to each other, the forest, and the car.
When Vanessa embraces Tess, the action seemes out of nowhere. Maybe rearrange the paragraph like this: Vanessa says, “I heard about your diagnosis.” then embraces Tess.
I also want more details about why Vanessa climbs in the trunk. Maybe during the conversation about cancer, Vanessa could say, “I’m so sorry, Tess. I’ll do anything I can to help.” That would also make Tess’s suspicious actions even more chilling.
The detail about swathing Vanessa’s wrists to avoid ligature marks is great. What IS Tess really up to?
Excellent first page, Brave Author. I’d definitely keep reading.
Love that we’re already invested in what these characters are really up to! Like you Debbie I got confused with where Tess was (in the car, not in the car) during the filming so just a few clarifications on this will definitely help.
Love the last sentence.
I was confused about the tone as well.
If Vanessa is smart enough to go to medical school, shouldn’t she be smart enough not to willingly get tied up and hop into the trunk of a car?
Good point!
Brave Author as the others have said, look at the fixes suggested. You have some great lines getting lost. I have several questions about what is going on that I would like answers for before going forward. What happened to the assailant? Are they real? Is Tess ‘playing a part’ that is going to get very real life in the near future? Do we really need a tripod? The camera and tripod getting tossed in the back seat just seems off to me. Could be just me.
I see the makings of an interesting story. It is just hidden right now.
Alan – great point about the story being ‘hidden’ currently – I do think addressing the issues we’ve raised would help this story really emerge…
I agree about not needing the tripod. Camera phones do amazing things now. Unless Tess is trying to avoid having her phone’s info tied to the foreshadowed incident, why use a separate camera and tripod?
But details like that are usually triphazards solely because we get only a first page. It may be fully explained later.
All in all, great job! I’m definitely hooked!
Whoops! Looks like my reply was moved into the wrong slot by gremlins. But you get the idea.