Stripping Away Distance to Draw on Emotion – 1st Page Critique – A Devotion of Dads

Jordan Dane
@JordanDane

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This intriguing 400-word introduction comes to us from an anonymous author seeking feedback. Please read and enjoy. Share your comments/impressions with constructive criticism in your comments.

***

The video was grainy and dark, the images distorted.

“Can you tell who this is?” Dean pointed, his voice low, with only a slight nuance of horror.

“No,” Mabel lied, because she didn’t want her brother involved, not anymore.

The four people clustered around the laptop viewed the rest of the video in silence. Watched as one person slowly drowned while another patiently waited. The figure walking around the edge of the pool wore dark, loose clothing with a cap pulled low over their face, but not low enough to obscure their mouth. Whoever it was, and Mabel knew there was a chance she was wrong, had a lot to say to the poor soul in the water. There was no audio but you could see one set of lips moving slightly, as if calmly. The other set, when above water, was often distorted in apparent, but thankfully silent, screams.

Two things about the woman in the pool were obvious to the viewers. She couldn’t swim and was fully dressed. She hadn’t entered the water of her own free will. There was only one thing obvious about the person walking around the pool. They did not want that woman to live. Every time an attempt was made to cling to the side of the pool, her hands were stomped on, over and over and over, until she finally let go, fingers too broken to grip. It took a long time for her to die.

The final minutes showed the capped figure leave the pool area, alone, and Mabel was more sure by then who it was. But when she looked up to voice her opinion, she found herself alone in the room. She looked back at the blank screen. Could she stand to watch it one more time? She hit replay. She had to be absolutely sure.

FEEDBACK:

There is definite mystery to this creepy scene of people trying to unravel the identity of a killer, while looking at a video on a laptop and witnessing a murder. Very compelling. Without sound, it would be horrific to see something like this. Chilling. The opening scene (as written) is compelling and it triggered something in me, but I wondered if there might be a more effective way to tap into the emotion of those watching the grainy video as well as focusing more on the sheer panic of drowning.

Below are some suggestions on how to intensity the opener:

1.) CLOSE THE EMOTIONAL DISTANCE – As this 400 word submission is written now, the reader is held at a distance from the action of the scene, by the narrator describing (“telling”) what is happening on the grainy footage. The reader is being told of what’s not only happening, but also what is ‘felt’ by the witnesses. To close the distance, maybe the author could get into the head of the person most affected, Mabel, the one who appears to know the identity of the cold-hearted killer, and have her imagine what it would be like to be that helpless and dying, or perhaps trigger her worst fear of drowning.

2.) PEPPER IN DIALOGUE – More dialogue might help with the pace and the weighty paragraphs of “telling” descriptions. In a scene like this, less is more. Rather than describe what’s happening on a video, let the reader hear a dialogue line that is creepy or that they can imagine what is being seen. In my rewrite example below, lines like ‘She’d never seen anyone die before’ as the first hint of what’s happening on the video can carry a punch. Or a simple question like ‘Why isn’t he helping her?’ followed by ‘He’s killing her’ can be chilling.

3.) ADD PUNCHES OF MYSTERY – Added mystery elements, layered into the narrative, would draw the reader through this submission. In a short intro like this, I would add a question for the reader to ponder and pepper in more as the reader gets deeper into the story. In effect, it’s like being tugged from the shore by a strong current. In the rewrite example below, the mystery elements that might raise a question for the reader are lines like – She’d never seen anyone die before, or introducing the killer by adding a dialogue line ‘Why isn’t he helping her?’ followed by ‘He’s killing her’ is a nonchalant way of adding murder and mystery with a faceless guy.

ON REWRITES – I normally don’t like to rewrite a scene to show an author an alternative way to write it. It’s been my experience that if you can coax an author into seeing their scene in a different way, by asking them open-ended questions that could draw out a creative solution through them, the writer often finds a better way to resolve the scene than my suggestion. But on a blog, we don’t have the luxury of writing and rewriting to enhance an introduction. The following open-ended questions are designed to get the author thinking. The questions may not work or may not add anything to the scene, but in general, open-ended questions can trigger images or character motivations that could enhance the opening.

My open ended questions might be:

1.) Did Mabel ever have a close encounter with drowning? Does she see herself drowning as if she were the victim?

2.) When she sees the film over and over, who does she watch most–the victim or the killer? Does her perspective change the more she watches it?

3.) What does her answer reveal about her? Does she want to protect the killer, or is it more important to reveal the truth to the family of the dead victim?

4.) An even bigger question in my mind is – Who shot the film? Someone had taken the footage and let the killer walk away. Over the years, this mysterious someone didn’t tell anyone what happened?

REWRITE EXAMPLE:

Mabel stared down at the grainy footage on her laptop and felt the pull of the video with its distorted shadowy images. She couldn’t turn away. If she’d been alone, she might’ve succumbed to its unexplained allure and imagined she were there at poolside, watching it happen, but four others sat next to her. They were all voyeurs in the dark.

She’d never seen anyone die before.

“Can you tell who it is?” Dean broke the silence. She sensed his eyes on her, demanding an answer.

“No,” Mabel lied. She saw no point in speculating for the sake of her brother’s curiosity. What would it matter now?

The video had no sound. Thank, God. A woman, fully dressed in street clothes, floundered in the water. Her arms thrashed, but she couldn’t keep her head above water. When she gulped for air, Mabel squirmed in her seat, imagining what drowning would feel like.

You can’t do this. Help me!

Mabel swore she could read the woman’s lips as she begged for her life, pleading with the man in a cap—the only visible part of his face were his lips.

“For Christ’s sake, she’s trying to get out. Why isn’t he helping her?” A voice cut through the stillness, someone sitting next to Mabel. “Oh, no. He’s…what is he doing?”

“He’s killing her.” Mabel didn’t recognize her own voice. She wiped a tear from her cheek before anyone saw.

Mabel hadn’t believed it either, the first time she saw the video. The man, who had shoved the woman into the pool, taunted her and watched her flail and gasp for air. Whenever she reached for the side of the pool, to hoist her body up for air, he smashed his boot heel into her fingers. Blood sent dark spirals into the water.

It took the woman a long time to die.

Mabel watched the video to an ending that would always haunt her. When she looked up from the laptop, she was alone. The others had left. She never heard them go.

No one had asked who’d shot the video?

DISCUSSION:

1.) What do you think of this submission? What revision suggestions, if any, would you make?

2.) Have you used open-ended questions to enhance a scene? 

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In the Eyes of the Dead – $1.99 ebook

“He hunts killers through the eyes of the dead”

(A Ryker Townsend – FBI Profiler novella)

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About Jordan Dane

Bestselling, critically-acclaimed author Jordan Dane’s gritty thrillers are ripped from the headlines with vivid settings, intrigue, and dark humor. Publishers Weekly compared her intense novels to Lisa Jackson, Lisa Gardner, and Tami Hoag, naming her debut novel NO ONE HEARD HER SCREAM as Best Books of 2008. She is the author of young-adult novels written for Harlequin Teen, the Sweet Justice thriller series for HarperCollins., and the Ryker Townsend FBI psychic profiler series, Mercer's War vigilante novellas, and the upcoming Trinity LeDoux bounty hunter novels set in New Orleans. Jordan shares her Texas residence with two lucky rescue dogs. To keep up with new releases & exclusive giveaways, click HERE

30 thoughts on “Stripping Away Distance to Draw on Emotion – 1st Page Critique – A Devotion of Dads

  1. Just two additional notes from me:

    1. Cut the first line. I see this “disembodied” POV opening all the time. Don’t like it. Give me people. This is so much better:

    “Can you tell who this is?” Dean pointed, his voice low, with only a slight nuance of horror.

    “No,” Mabel lied, because she didn’t want her brother involved, not anymore.

    Boom. We’re in a tense scene with characters from the get go.

    2. Cut the clunky use of “their.”

    I know this is becoming common in everyday speech and even news reporting (much to my own nuance of horror). But it sticks out here and makes me think the author is obviously hiding something (e.g., that it’ll be a woman). So just do it this way:

    The figure walking around the edge of the pool wore dark, loose clothing with a cap pulled low over the face, but not low enough to obscure the mouth.

    • I agree about the use of “there” Jim. It’s coy, as you point out, and a giant flare going up that the writer is hiding something, ie, the gender of the hooded killer — which means it is a probably woman. I, too, get annoyed with this ploy. You see it often in chapters or scenes written from the killer’s POV and we get “the killer” over and over again as the attribution. (am reading a book like that now from a well-known thriller writer and it’s getting on my nerves!) Granted, it’s tough to hide the gender when you really need to (had to do it in a chapter I wrote once), but once you use the grammatically incorrect “there” the reader knows something’s up and you’ve lost your element of surprise.

      • Ha! Speaking of grammatically incorrect…

        I should have written “their” not “there.” Going to get second cup of Joe now.

      • If Mabel really knows the ID of the killer and knows it to be a woman, then this could be a challenge to hide gender. But if Mabel is an unreliable narrator, she can share her assumption that the killer is a man. It would make a good red herring.

        That’s when this scene could be more nuanced. Say that the other viewers all assume it’s a man, but only Mabel suspects it’s not. Her brother’s line could assume gender and let other’s pick up that assertion. Her thoughts would be easier to hide in this intro. Interesting.

    • I’m with you on “Give me people,” Jim. If an author can give the reader an immediate connection with the character and get under that character’s skin with an immediate conflict, that intro is a winner. Thanks for you input.

  2. I like this submission and find Jordan Dane’s suggestions very helpful, as always. the excerpt did feel emotionally distant and I wondered if more precise visual description might help, both of the viewers and the room where they are watching–are they standing or sitting? What kind of room is it? Is it dark? As Jordan says, it would help to be in one person’s POV–and of the video. This relates to Jordan’s number 4. Is the camera moving? Is it fixed and, if so, where is it? At the end of the pool as in the picture? or at the side? Is it an overhead camera? Is it an outdoor pool? What time of day was it? I know it isn’t advisable to begin with lots of description but I think it would help put us in the scene and jack up the mood.

    • Great points, Nancy. Love your comments. I like a light touch with setting in an intro like this. You never want to slow the pace with too much, yet too little can be noticeable too. A light-handed touch with setting could add to the mood and the emotion. In my rewrite example, I could add a touch here and there to hint at the room’s temperature, for example. Is it sweltering or chilly? Since they’re all watching the same laptop, I can imagine them huddle together, too intimately, given what they are seeing. That could make Mabel uncomfortable.

  3. I really like this. Congrats, writer, on creating a compelling opening. (I have an awful fear of drowning so this really made me squirm). If you can make this more intimate and thus more horrifying, by getting into Mabel’s POV more — as Jordan and Jim suggest — you’ll be on your way.

    • The drowning thing gets me, too, Kris. I had an experience when I was a kid that I’ll never forget. This scene became visceral to me once you picture it in your head. That’s what writing does. It transport the reader to where the author wants them to go and that can be scary. Thank you.

  4. Intriguing scene, indeed, and a terrific rewrite, Jordan. There’s so much information in those 400 words, and I like that a lot.

    Speaking of horror, I also found it emotionally and visually distant. These people are watching a video of a murder, and we learn that the person committing the murder is talking *before* we learn he or she is stomping on the woman’s hands to keep her from getting out. It’s a strong visual that is completely buried. Why not open with that?

    The killer leaves. Alone. We’ve seen the action that leads to the woman’s death, but let’s see her die, then have the killer leave.

    The opening is a strong start and with some focus will make a compelling story.

    • I like your take on this, Laura. This author has a fertile scene to draw from because the imagery is very effective. I can only imagine (with your eye for horror) what your rewrite might be like. The point is that all of us could write this differently, but only THIS author picked such a solid start that can go so many ways. It triggers something in all of us, I’m sure. Well done, author. Thanks, Laura.

    • I would consider my rewrite a DRAFT or a first pass. I do a rolling edit process to tighten and layer in the emotion of the scene. I get it down to frame it out, but then go back later to add a dash of contributing setting to enhance the character’s POV and I ramp up the emotion of whatever the scene is about. Writing is layering for me.

  5. Mabel mentions four persons besides herself are watching footage of a scene of a fully dressed woman in a swimming pool floundering the way a non-swimmer does. Someone of indeterminate gender walks along the edge of the pool and steps on the woman’s fingers every time she tries to grasp the edge of the pool, stomping hard enough to break fingers while the drowning victim screams.

    I don’t have a good idea about how long this takes, but I would expect anyone who is grabbing poolside and is kicked away from it would move alongside the pool edge toward the shallow end versus perpendicularly toward pool center from the kicker. I could be wrong, but it seems to me the murderer would be unable to finish off the victim from poolside, but would be obliged at some point to jump in next to the victim, who would be on her feet with at least her head above water, and finish the task by holding her head under.

    Any of the four others watching the video with Mabel is a potential suspect, but her brother is strongly implicated simply because he is the only one of the group identified. I wonder how three others came to be video viewers along with Mabel and her brother, who they are and just why they would be present.

    They are not police, who would be reviewing evidence and only be a two or three man team at any rate. Or employees of a private security firm, for similar reasons.

    This leads me to conclude this is a non-official viewing and I wonder why so many people are assembled to watch a video of unknown content. Did it arrive in Mabel’s possession, or that of one of the other five, with no explanation? If so, why do five people drop whatever else they are doing to see what is on it? I think if this many characters populate an opening scene where they begin viewing a video of at what is at minimum torture, with a victim screaming in pain and in danger of death from drowning, but before the conclusion scoot silently (surreptitiously?) from the room without explanation or even a bye your leave — including from Mabel’s brother — some small measure of explanatory background linking these five video watchers would make the scene more plausible.

    Who would do

    • There’s a lot to ponder here. We limit the submissions to only 400 words, which isn’t a lot to work with when we are all so intrigued by this premise. Four people does seem to be a large number, given that Mabel doesn’t have patience for speculating with her sibling. P J Parrish suggested in an earlier comment that the killer might be a woman, because of the use of the generic word ‘their’ to hide what sex the killer is. There are other ways to hide gender. I’ve written a TKZ post on the subject here> https://killzoneblog.com/2014/12/key-tips-for-creating-genderless.html

      But you’ve raised many good points for the author to consider. I suspect many answers will be forthcoming as we turn the pages, but the premise raises a good mystery (as well as the hair on our arms).

      Thanks, Richard.

  6. Congrats to our brave writer for letting us know what kind of story she’s telling right away. That’s one of the things I look for on a first page.

    Here are my notes:

    1. The point of view seems muddled. If Mabel is the protagonist, then write the scene and show the reader only what Mabel can see, hear, feel, and experience. For example, here’s a line that would not be appropriate from Mabel’s point of view:

    “Two things about the woman in the pool were obvious to the viewers.”

    Mabel would only be able to comment about what was obvious to her. The deeper you can bring the reader into Mabel’s head, the more the reader will bond with her. I echo what Jordan said about closing the distance.

    2. Speaking of bonding, when you introduce your protagonist, you need to give the reader a reason to go on this story journey with her. People don’t buy books because they want to think. They buy books because they want to feel.
    So, how do we make the reader feel something for Mabel? There are a number of ways to do this when you introduce your protagonist. Michael Hauge explains how to do this: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJ6GB3rxl48). Use the techniques he describes to help your reader care about the protagonist. Listen to any video you can find by this man, and it will improve your writing!

    3. “The four people clustered around the laptop viewed the rest of the video in silence.”

    It’s ok to have four people present, but when adding dialogue, remember it’s best to focus on two people at a time so that the reader can get to know the characters. I find it’s usually best to avoid a big party of people on the first page.

    4. “The figure walking around the edge of the pool wore dark, loose clothing with a cap pulled low over their face, …”

    The usage of “their” is incorrect. Mr. Bell already gave an excellent suggestion on how to fix this kind of error. Same thing goes with this phrase:
    “but not low enough to obscure their mouth.”

    5. Too many adverbs on the first page.
    only (used twice), slowly, patiently, slightly, calmly, thankfully, fully, finally, absolutely

    This is an error I find on just about every opening that gets posted here.

    6. You have some favorite words (i.e. “around”):

    “around the laptop”
    “around the edge”
    “around the pool”

    7. “absolutely sure” – this is redundant.

    8. The word “was” is overused. I see this mistake with beginning writers (and sometimes with experienced writers) all the time. Examples:

    “The video was grainy and dark.”
    “Whoever it was”
    “and Mabel knew there was a chance she was wrong”
    “There was no audio but you could see one set of lips moving slightly”
    “was often distorted in apparent”
    “She couldn’t swim and was fully dressed”
    “There was only one thing obvious about the person walking around the pool”
    “Every time an attempt was made to cling to the side of the pool”
    “and Mabel was more sure by then who it was”

    See if you can find ways to eliminate “was” from your writing. (Note: there are times when it may be necessary to use it.) I’ve posted links to lessons on how to eliminate “was” from your writing on other recent critiques. Here’s one quick example. Instead of saying: “Every time an attempt was made to cling to the side of the pool,” try something like, “Every time she attempted to grab the side of the pool…” You get the idea. See if you can do the same with some of the other occurrences.

    Best of luck, and keep writing!

  7. I thought this was a pretty compelling beginning but totally agree that we need to zoom in closer – it feels like we’re watching at a distance and as Jordan says, readers are more engaged if they get to feel the emotions and reactions involved. I also felt the use of ‘their’ was irritating but overall I think this could be a great first page if the author takes on board some of the great feedback here:) Bravo.

  8. I like this scene a lot. One thing missing for me is that element of objectivity which lends to making these types of scenes even more horrific. Something inside me just snaps and horror sinks in whenever spectators of a murder can become so distanced in such a way.

    For example, instead of mentioning that it took a long time for her to die, let’s show that by sprinkling in some stoic observation by the audience viewing the video. Maybe while her hands are being stomped, someone in the room would tell the operator to rewind the tape slightly, then pause at an instant where the foot comes crashing down on the woman’s fingers. They all forget there’s a dying woman in the video and instead focus their attention on the woman’s forefinger. A ring. But there was no ring found on the dead body.

    I know that’s just throwing something together as an idea. I get very emotionally invested when people act like this, but that’s a realistic occurrence with criminal investigations. Your audience is made up of people who are pulled in, not as much by the horror of what happened, but by the horror of what’s currently happening, in my opinion. The stoic nature of investigations is very eerily inhumane, and the whole idea of horror isn’t necessarily death itself, but the idea of it and its aftermath.

  9. Well done, Anonymous Author, and Jordan, I liked your suggestions. LIke some other commenters, I’d cut the number of people in the scene. Overcrowded Room Syndrome can ruin a good beginning.

    • Yes, considering we really don’t hear from the others, it’s a good idea to focus on fewer. Plus if Mabel is watching a murder, she wouldn’t want to broadcast it. Thanks, Elaine.

  10. I made a few notes as I read, then saw that – being late to the party here – others have covered those bases. Jim’s comment on the use of “their” was first on my list… I’m no grammar cop, but that one is a bit of a clunker. It’s a shame, but a clunker like that can really compromise an otherwise promising scene, which this is. Especially in context to it being a submission (agent or publisher).

    Keep going. Listen to these critiques, they’re spot on. It certainly makes one want to see where this goes, and why.

  11. Another thing I noticed after my first post was the lack of clarity in the first two lines of dialogue:

    “Can you tell who this is?” Dean pointed, his voice low, with only a slight nuance of horror.

    “No,” Mabel lied, because she didn’t want her brother involved, not anymore.

    Is Dean Mabel’s brother? Or does Mabel think her brother is the man in the video?

    These are two very different scenarios. While it’s good to leave the reader with questions to be answered, it’s not good to be unclear. I’d suggest clarifying this point.

  12. This horror tale definitely caught my attention. I agree with Jordan’s rewrite. The story has real potential and I hope the author continues to rewrite it.

  13. Many, many thanks for the advice! Sorry it took me so long to respond but insanely busy at big girl career, which actually pays me. Kind of.

    The comments show glaring problems with my attempt at book two, and are much appreciated. Book two is proving harder to write than book one because it HAS to be better. These suggestions will definitely help.

    Jordan, I will resist the temptation to plagiarize your rewrite. Can’t promise, but will try.

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