By Elaine Viets
Today’s Brave Author gave us an intriguing story with a touch of the supernatural. Take a look, and then I’ll make my comments:
A Delima worth Millions
The man that just walked in the bakery to buy a lotto ticket is destined to win… but die the same day. If he plays. He stood in line. Waiting his turn. Like everyone else, he wished to wake up tomorrow as the mega lotto prize winner of 25 million. On an empty table to his left, a newspaper had a headline that caught his attention: LOTTO WINNER FOUND DEAD with the victim photograph and name-Pascual Montenegro. “That’s me,” he said. The hair on his body bristled as he walked slowly to the table and grabbed the paper. It was him. Short black hair, shaved, blue eyes. “What the hell is this?” he whispered.
A slight chill quivered his chest. The published date was two days from today. He scrutinized every word. According to the article, the police found him dead without a clear cause the same day he won. No further details revealed.
“Do you mind giving me back my paper,” said a voice. Pascual lowered the newspaper. There sat an old man he never seen before, dressed in a black suit with a fedora hat. “Do you mind?” the old man asked again. Pascual slammed it against the table. “Why is my picture here?” He looked at him.
The old man remained unrattled and sneered back with his dark eyes on a stone face. “Can’t you read? That is Sunday’s headline. You play, you win millions, you somehow die and its newsworthy,” he said. Pascual shook his head and pointed his finger at the old man’s face. “I don’t know who think you are. I do not appreciate this joke, scam or whatever bullshit lie you trying to pull with here” he said.
The old man sneered again. Then he leaned forward, the chair squeaked “buy the ticket and you will find out,” he hissed. Pascual shrugged his shoulders and grabbed and crumbled the paper. “Go to hell old man” he said and dropped it in front of him. He returned to the line. The old man smiled as he unwrinkled the paper with thump sounds like a judge gavel. Louder than the cracking sound of eggs being fried in the kitchen. “Go ahead, buy the ticket, you can’t stop what’s coming” he said. Pascual grabbed his cross necklace and kissed the image of Christ, a habit since childhood whenever he shivered in distress.
ELAINE’S CRITIQUE: I saw real possibility in this first page – and an author that needs help with some awkward phrasing and spelling. My changes are in bold. The problems start with the misspelled title:
A Dilemma Worth Millions
The man that just walked in the bakery to buy a lotto ticket is destined to win… but die the same day.
ELAINE: That opening grabbed me, but Brave Author, please use it to tell us where we are. For example: The man that just walked in the San Antonio bakery to buy a lotto ticket is destined to win… but die the same day. If he plays.
BRAVE AUTHOR: He stood in line. Waiting his turn. Like everyone else, he wished to wake up tomorrow as the mega lotto prize winner of 25 million.
ELAINE: Twenty-five million what? Dollars? Pesos? Euros?
BRAVE AUTHOR: On an empty table to his left, a newspaper had a headline that caught his attention: LOTTO WINNER FOUND DEAD. He stared at the victim’s photograph and name – Pascual Montenegro. “That’s me,” he said. The hair on his body bristled as he walked slowly to the table and grabbed the paper.
There was no mistake. It was him. Same short black hair, shaved, blue eyes.
ELAINE: That “shaved” is puzzling. Do you mean “clean-shaven”?
BRAVE AUTHOR: “What the hell is this?” he whispered.
A slight chill quivered in his chest.
ELAINE: “A slight chill”? This is a man who just read that he was dead. He’ll need more reaction than that.
BRAVE AUTHOR: The published date was two days from today. He scrutinized every word. According to the article, the police found him dead without a clear cause the same day he won. No further details were revealed.
“Do you mind giving me back my paper?” said a voice. Pascual lowered the newspaper. There sat an old man he’d never seen before, dressed in a black suit and a fedora hat. He had dark eyes set in a stone face. (This phrase is moved up from below.)
ELAINE: You don’t need that “hat.” We know what a fedora is.
BRAVE AUTHOR: “Do you mind?” the old man asked again.
Pascual slammed the paper against the table. “Why is my picture here?” he demanded. He looked at him.
ELAINE: Cut the line in italics. It adds nothing.
BRAVE AUTHOR: The old man remained unrattled and sneered back: “Can’t you read? That is Sunday’s headline. You play, you win millions, you somehow die and it’s newsworthy.” he said.
ELAINE: Yikes! The dreaded “it’s” contraction was without an apostrophe. This mistake alone will send an editor screaming into the night. Also, you don’t need that “he said.”
BRAVE AUTHOR: Pascual shook his head and pointed his finger at the old man’s face. “I don’t know who you think you are. I do not appreciate this joke, scam or whatever bullshit lie you’re trying to pull with here,” he said.
ELAINE: We don’t need the word “lie” or “with” and the punctuation is wrong for “he said.”
BRAVE AUTHOR: The old man sneered again. Then he leaned forward, and the chair squeaked. “Buy the ticket and you will find out,” he hissed.
Pascual shrugged his shoulders, and grabbed the paper and crumpled it. “Go to hell, old man,” he said and dropped it in front of him. He returned to the ticket line.
ELAINE: Again, there are some punctuation errors and the italicized “and” can be cut.
BRAVE AUTHOR: The old man smiled as he smoothed the wrinkled paper, the sound louder than the crack of a judge’s gavel.
ELAINE: “With thump sounds like a judge gavel” is an interesting image, but it doesn’t quite work. And it should read “with a thump that sounds like a judge’s gavel.” The same goes for “louder than the cracking sound of eggs being fried in the kitchen.” And do you mean “cracking” or “crackling”?
BRAVE AUTHOR: “Go ahead, buy the ticket, you can’t stop what’s coming,” the old man said.
Pascual grabbed his crucifix necklace and kissed the image of Christ, a habit since childhood whenever he was shivered in distress.
ELAINE: Cut “shivered.
ELAINE’S CONCLUSION: I was impressed with this first page. I want to know what happens to Pascual: does he win his fortune and cheat death? Will his faith help save him? And who is this mysterious old man – the Grim Reaper in a fedora? The devil? Or a nameless charlatan?
However, this first page presents a real writing dilemma: numerous misspellings and grammatical mistakes, starting with the title. No editors worth their red pencil will read this novel, and that’s a crying shame.
A writer has to know grammar and spelling. These are the tools of our trade. If we don’t, we’re like builders who can’t use a nail gun or a circular saw.
So what can our Brave Author do?
Take an adult education course in grammar and spelling.
Have someone who understands grammar and spelling read your manuscript.
Hire an editor to correct your grammar and spelling before you send out your manuscript.
I teach English as a second language, and judging by some of these errors, I suspect our Brave Author is not a native speaker. But I believe our Brave Author is a natural storyteller. Keep writing.
This Saturday, August 14, 10 AM to noon, I’m teaching “Dead Write: Forensics for Writers” a Zoom workshop at the Florida Authors Academy.
I passed the Medicolegal Death Investigators Course for forensic professionals at St. Louis University’s School of Medicine. I’ll discuss the proper methods and pitfalls of body identification, and other tips that will give your mysteries authenticity. Handouts are included. Contact Murder on the Beach Bookstore. Registration is required. It’s $25. Call 561-279-7790 or email murdermb@gate.net.
Great critique, Elaine. And congrats on passing the St. Louis Univ. School of Medicine forensic course!
I agree with your conclusion.
Brave Author, you have talent and a good instinct for story. Now, you need to learn the rules of the game. Don’t get discouraged. It took all of us years, and we’re still learning. Take the courses, learn the grammar, read the books. You can do it.
Steve is right, Brave Author. Learning English is a life-long pursuit, and we are all students.
This is so interesting. Elaine quotes Brave Author and tells him/her the punctuation is wrong for “he said”:
BRAVE AUTHOR: Pascual shook his head and pointed his finger at the old man’s face. “I don’t know who you think you are. I do not appreciate this joke, scam or whatever bullshit lie you’re trying to pull with here,” he said.
ELAINE: We don’t need the word “lie” or “with” and the punctuation is wrong for “he said.”
I looked at the quoted sentence and found nothing wrong with the punctuation. So I scrolled back up to the original and saw the error.
The fascinating thing to me is that Elaine had, apparently, corrected the error without realizing it—as though writing a sentence incorrectly is simply impossible for her.
Brave Author will get to this point one day, as well, if he takes the very good advice given here.
RLM Cooper said, “The fascinating thing to me is that Elaine had, apparently, corrected the error without realizing it—as though writing a sentence incorrectly is simply impossible for her.”
Oh, how I wish this was true!
You do have a story here, Brave Author. As Elaine and others have said, you need to work on the basic building blocks of the language.
I saw this on a meme, but getting images into the comments is something I haven’t mastered yet.
“English doesn’t borrow from other languages.
English follows other languages down dark alleys, knocks them over and goes through their pockets for loose grammar.”
A couple of minor grammar points: In your opening sentence, people take “who” not “that” which pulled me out of the story immediately. I’m forgiving, but it still bothers me.
Also, here, another pet peeve of mine: “buy the ticket and you will find out,” he hissed.
Try hissing those words. You need sibilants in order to hiss.
Good luck with your writing!
One small point, Terry. Like you, I was taught that you should never use the pronoun “that” to refer to a person.
Then I learned that “who” is correct, but it’s also okay to use “that.” “The Chicago Manual of Style,” “Fowler’s Modern English Usage,” and the “Merriam-Webster Dictionary of English Usage” all say that although “who” is always good for persons, you can also use “that.”
And alright is becoming an acceptable word. Doesn’t mean it’s not going to make me cringe every time. 😉
“Normalcy” sets my teeth on edge, and it’s now acceptable, Terry.
Please tell me this is not true. It’s almost as egregious as “alot.”
Alas, it’s true.
“English doesn’t borrow from other languages.
English follows other languages down dark alleys, knocks them over and goes through their pockets for loose grammar.”
Love that meme, Terry.
Brave Author, thank you for sharing your first page. I am intrigued by the story and want to know what happens to Pascual and why the old man has possession of a newspaper from the future.
However, my enjoyment of the opening to this story was dampened by the grammatical errors. Elaine pointed out everything that gave me pause, and I agree with her suggested edits.
English grammar is hard, but it’s worth studying to become a better writer. (I’m still studying because I think it’s worth it!)
If you’d like to take an adult education class but can’t find one in your area, I do know of a popular adult grammar book specifically aimed at improving writing skills: The English Grammar Workbook for Adults by DiGiacomo.
I hope you carry on with this story, Brave Author. Good luck on your writing journey!
Good suggestion, Priscilla.
Great critique. But what kind of bakery sells lotto tickets? I don’t know of any bakery here in the UK with a machine. Is it different in other countries?
It depends on the country, Nic, which is why it’s so important for our Brace Author to tell us where the story is location. Here in Florida, lottery tickets are sold almost everywhere — gas stations, convenience stores, supermarkets.
The Dialogue Doctor is in! It’s an emergency situation. I shall now give you some iron-clad rules (and yes, I use the word rules here despite the shiver it may send up certain spines!)
Rule #1: After an action beat, you never, ever use a dialogue attribution. Thus:
Pascual shook his head and pointed his finger at the old man’s face. “I don’t know who think you are. I do not appreciate this joke, scam or whatever bullshit lie you trying to pull with here” he said.
Do NOT put he said because we already KNOW who is speaking.
Rule #2: Every new line of dialogue goes in a new paragraph. Thus:
“Do you mind giving me back my paper,” said a voice. Pascual lowered the newspaper. There sat an old man he never seen before, dressed in a black suit with a fedora hat. “Do you mind?” the old man asked again. Pascual slammed it against the table. “Why is my picture here?” He looked at him.
Should be:
“Do you mind giving me back my paper,” said a voice. Pascual lowered the newspaper. There sat an old man he never seen before, dressed in a black suit with a fedora hat.
“Do you mind?” the old man asked again.
Pascual slammed it against the table. “Why is my picture here?”
Also, your final paragraph needs to be broken up into at least three.
Rule #3: Never use a verb or adverb in the attribution when it’s clear how something is said. (Slight issue with the critique here, but we’re among friends):
Pascual slammed the paper against the table. “Why is my picture here?” he demanded.
We don’t need he demanded because the dialogue makes it obvious.
The old man sneered again. Then he leaned forward, the chair squeaked. “Buy the ticket and you will find out,” he hissed.
We don’t need any attribution because of the action beat (see Rule #1) and least of all he hissed because the old man just sneered.
Bonus: You don’t need Pascual shrugged his shoulders. Just Pascual shrugged. The only thing you shrug are shoulders, so adding that gilds the lily and slows the momentum.
The Doctor is out.
“Buy the ticket and you will find out,” he hissed.
Lacking so much as a single sibilant, that sentence is essentially impossible to hiss.
Great critique, Elaine! I sincerely hope BA takes to heart your editing and further education suggestions, because I like the premise of the story, and he or she is clearly a storyteller.
However, the grammar problems for me started with the title and first line. After struggling over the title (an expensive foreign sports car I’ve never heard of?), then reading the first line, I almost stopped. I’m glad I didn’t, because in spite of the technical problems, I was drawn in to the Pascual’s plight. Buy and win millions (of something), enjoy it for a moment, then die and leave it to someone else? Or run, not walk, out of that store.
What would I do? The premise is as old as the earth and humanity, but with a definite fresh twist. Which is what we, as readers, search for diligently.
And, BTW, This mistake alone will send an editor screaming into the night. had me snorting coffee out my nose. 🙂 My editor is a runner, and I think I’ve caused her, on occasion, to do that very thing.
So was my first editor, Deb. I know the type.
*I was drawn in to the Pascual’s plight. My editor is screaming into the night even now. Kindly remove “the” from this sentence and carry on. 🙂
Just proves this happens to the best writers, Deb.
“The” is almost invisible. I’ll bet she could have snuck two in there, and I’d still have read right through them.
Good points all, Doctor.
Brave Author, I am going to pile on. I also suspect, like Elaine, that English is not your native language. Don’t let that stop you.
This looks like a “deal with the Devil” type of story. If so, you are off to a good start once English’s screwy grammar gets out of your way. I would love to see version 2.0.
BTW, I know someone who really did read their own obituary. It is an interesting story as well. Very glad she is alive today to tell the tale.
Thanks for stopping by, Alan. And yes, I was lucky enough to read my obit. But that’s another story . . .
I used to be an editorial assistant/proofreader and was the reader for our imprint. I love the premise of this story but would not have dared give it to any of our acquisition editors in its present form.
What struck me is how much repetition there is. I found myself thinking “We know this already.” Say it once and move on. Right now it reads like “Here’s a clue! Did you catch it? Here it is again!”
This would make a great Twilight Zone episode.
Thanks, Cynthia. And I agree. This is definitely in the Twilight Zone.
Truth is stranger than fiction
https://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/ny-woman-won-lottery-dead-double-murder-suicide-20210811-btwafn7tyjeang3yfrk3pmy644-story.html
Whoa, Alan. Truth is not only stranger, it’s way scarier.
Thank you Elaine Viets and everyone for the great critique, honest feedback and encouragement. I truly appreciate everyone taking time of your day to the read my first page and provide great feedback. I will take to my heart every recommendation from each one. Yes, one has to be brave. I look forward of learning English grammatical rules and fulfilling a life time dream of becoming a writer one day. Thank you again Elaine Viet and everyone!
I, for one, say you are so welcome, BA! Thanks for your feedback.
And don’t be a stranger here at TKZ . . . the best writing teachers and encouragers can be found roaming these digital hallways and congregating around the water cooler. I’ve benefited so much from their talent, knowledge, and kicks in the pants. 🙂
Brave Author, it was a privilege to read your first page. I hope you fulfill your dream and finish your novel. You have a real story-telling talent. Please let us know when that day comes. Good luck and happy writing.