by James Scott Bell
@jamesscottbell
What does a grammatically correct owl say? “Whom, whom.”
We all know the language, and the uses thereof, have fallen on hard times. Don’t U feel it 2? Texting, combined with the loss of grammar studies in schools, have set us on the slide toward becoming the Eloi, that docile future race in the The Time Machine who barely talk and are easy prey for the Morlocks.
Sites like X are rife with mistakes, of course, due to dull thinking and quick typing. I recall one of those innumerable back-and-forths dripping with vitriol, where someone ended with this zinger: Your ignirance is not a good look. That used to be called being “hoist on your own petard.” (Now it’s a “self own.”)
In the golden age of newspapers, you had reporters who pounded out stories that were examined by crusty, eagle-eyed editors with blue pencils and cigars, who put the writers through their paces.
What great wordsmiths we had then. I grew up reading the L.A. Times when it was owned by the Chandlers, and had columnists like Jim Murray, Jack Smith, and Al Martinez. And then there were the syndicated writers like Art Buchwald and Jimmy Breslin; and for laughs, Erma Bombeck.
Not to mention the workaday reporters who wrote clear, concise, and factual (remember factual?) stories.
As the publisher Joseph Pulitzer (for whom the prize is named) said of newspaper stories: “Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it, and above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light.”
Did you notice the word whom in the above parenthetical? That’s because I learned the trick of saying the sentence using him or them, and noticing the m, which means you use whom.
But today, with instant digital publishing and the lack of educated editors, we get the “mistake creep” that threatens to become epidemic. Here are just a few examples I’ve collected over the years:
The trick play gave Georgia a 14-0 lead, while the Michigan defense looked lost on defense on consecutive drives. (Where else would a defense look lost?)
Which doesn’t quite jive with Sunday’s piece. (I’m as much a fan of jazz as the next guy, but jibe is the word.)
I don’t know if the victory that’s already been had will get the attention commiserate with its significance. (Um, commensurate.)
Both real estate agents were reticent in not requesting an amendment to the contract of sale at the time the buyer made the statement. (Reticent means reluctant in speech. The word should be negligent.)
Besides being an alumni at the university, Smith revealed that the young woman also attended the graduate school. (The singular for a female graduate is alumna, but that’s another can of worms. Worse is that the object of the first part of the sentence is the young woman, not Smith. That’s a common error following the comma in a prepositional phrase. See the next example.)
As someone born in 1985, Reagan was long gone from the national scene when I came of age politically. (A neat trick to serve as president before you’re even born.)
I didn’t like it when my beloved English teacher, Mrs. Bruce, made us parse sentences. But I learned. Today, students do that homework by typing, “Grok, parse this sentence for me.”
I’ll quickly add, however, that AI can check your writing like one of those old-time editors, and that’s a valuable tool. Just be sure to ask for notes, not a re-write. Preserve your voice and your humanity. And know that AI may skip aspects of your writing that could be sharpened, so keep on learning your craft. That’s why I keep a copy of Strunk & White and Jan Venola’s Write Right! by my desk. And every so often review my heavily highlighted copy of William Zinsser’s On Writing Well.
An article from Writer’s Digest (Aug. 2002, written by Becky Ohlsen) contains some solid advice on avoiding grammar and stylistic pitfalls.
Lose the flab, modifiers that say nothing, e.g., really, truly, very.
Sentences that start with “There was” or “There are.” Rewriting makes the sentence stronger.
NOT: “There were three people dancing in the street.”
THIS: “Three people danced in the street.”Do a search for adverbs, words ending with -ly. Find a stronger verb.
INSTEAD OF: “He ran excitedly down the hill.”
THIS: “He bounded down the hill.”Replace vague adjectives with actual description.
INSTEAD OF: “His shirt was quite loud.”
THIS: “His shirt was iridescent chartreuse with an orange quilted collar and 16 whalebone buttons.”
And learn the differences between homophones (words that sound alike). Two common mistakes:
Affect vs. Effect. A retired managing editor once explained it this way: The verb affect means to influence; the noun effect is the result of the influence. Example: How you spell will affect (influence) your pay. The effect (result) of poor spelling may be a pay cut.
Principal vs. Principle. A simple trick is to remember that principle is like a rule (both words end in –le). A principal is a main thing (the –a in main reminds you of the –al in principal).
Yeah, it’s work. But do you want your prose flabby or firm? Do you want readers putting your book down (at The End, mind you) with the feeling they especially enjoyed that ride, even if they can’t identify why? Do you want them anxious to find more of your work, or have them muttering, Meh, it was okay…
Up to you.
By the way, my favorite movie about a crusty but benign newspaper editor is Teacher’s Pet with Clark Gable and Doris Day.
So what is your relationship with grammar? Any common goofs you see out there that chap your hide?
I did not know of jibe vs jive. I’ve been using that word wrong for decades. Sigh
You’re not alone. Happy I could help.
Jim, your Mrs. Bruce was probably a cousin of my Mrs. Shore. She drilled grammar principles into us eighth-graders until they became automatic and second nature.
My email program and phone are predictive, filling in the word they expect rather than the word I want. That causes goofs like “commiserate” for “commensurate.” If I try to text w/o my glasses, the message can be groan-worthy. Grrrr.
Word inserts a squiggly blue line under places it thinks I wrote something incorrectly. Ninety percent of the time I’m right and/or doing it on purpose. Stop helping me!!!
Unfortunately I think we’ve lost this war. But I keep fighting.
Teacher’s Pet was a great movie.
Right there on the front lines with you, Debbie!
I was so happy when I found the button to make the squiggly line go away. Microsoft, let me do my own darn spelling check. I was also glad when I found I could remove it for my phone and email.
Oh, the fond memories of the columnists you mentioned. And thanks to Mr. Holtby and Miss Cook for grammar lessons, although I confess to learning more about English grammar from my Latin and German classes.
One of my pet peeves, which I think is a geographical thing, is saying things like “The dishes need washed.” I first encountered in when transcribing reports from restaurant managers when I had a temp job with General Mills. I noted then that the “offenders” were usually from the midwest and kept encountering “The parking lot needs striped.”
And I don’t think I’ll ever accept alright. Sigh.
Ack, how did that ever come about? It hurts my ears.
We lived in the midwest for several years and loved our time there, but some of the grammar was a surprise. “The dishes need washed” is a good example. Another regionalism was “Let’s go by Andersons” instead of “Let’s visit the Andersons.”
A bonus joy as a writer is grammar and punctuation.
I do agree.
English grammar is a complicated, convoluted mash-up of a half dozen languages. It is full of obscure rules and exceptions. When you get it right, the payoff is a beautiful sentence. One of my favorites is from Hemingway. Courage is grace under pressure.
Right, Brian. The first and best way to approach grammar is by being a reader of great prose, getting “the sound” of right sentences into your head. Then add the supplement of grammar study.
Technology does not help. When you type the possessive “its” electronic imps automatically add an apostrophe after the t.
Yes! Its/It’s is another common error.
I said “MILITATE” when I meant “MITIGATE.” My professor pointed this error to all my classmates immediately. I remember my red face to this minute.
That’s a common error, Hedley. Nothing to be so embarrassed about.
Truly embarrassing was my big brother in junior high, who had to do an oral report on the octopus. He began, “The octopus lives in the sea and has eight testicles.”
Ha! 🙂
When I see alright in a story, it takes me two pages to get back into the flow of reading. Not sure that’s what the author intended.
That’s a definite “speed bump.”
I never could talk myself into using the texting abbreviations. (e.g., “How R U?”) I’m afraid we’re going to end up communicating by drawing stick figures on cave walls.
😂
Maybe that’d be more fun, Kay!
The figures will be done by AI.
Mrs. Schaal for me-10th grade English. She was about 2 feet high, until she spoke.
One of my pettest peeves is lose vs. loose. I see it all. the. time. And I’m on board with just canceling “alright”. 🙂
Have a grammatically correct Sunday!
Those people are total loosers!
And they’re too lose with the grammar rules…
🙃
Improving my grammar is an ongoing process. Fortunately, I have some grammar savvy beta readers, including my wife, who especially has a keen eye. That said, improving my handle on grammar is part of my sentence-crafting and style practice.
That “first-read wife” is a godsend. I’ve got one, too!
I never did learn to parse or diagram a sentence. Most of my grammar errors I catch be reading the section out loud. The particularly sticky problem children I have posted on 3×5 cards on my cork board. It helps, but thankfully I have a solid line editor who I’m sure rolls his eyes at some of my gaffes.
Good point about hearing your words out loud. That’s especially helpful for style.
As someone who has spent their life as a writing teacher with multiple degrees in literature, I stopped having heart palpitations over grammar years ago. Linguistics and language history also taught me how truly fluid language is.
But I also tell those newer writers who think grammar and spelling aren’t important that the fastest way to have your manuscript tossed by an editor is to be sloppy with both. Someone who fails to clean up their manuscript is always a bad writer because it’s a clear sign that they are both inexperienced and too arrogant to work with.
Spot on, Marilynn.
My teachers drilled us on grammar and made us diagram sentences. I dreaded the days when I had to go to the board and diagram in front of the class.
Wherever those teachers are now (and I’m sure they went straight to heaven for teaching grammar to unruly students), I hope they know how much I appreciate their thankless work.
Current pet peeve: I just finished an otherwise good book. The author didn’t know the difference between wave and waive.
Ouch!
I miss Erma Bombeck. I’ve been a spelling and grammar snob for as long as I can remember. For that, I can thank my three high school English teachers: Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Gubser, and Mr. Weismiller.
Love those teachers!
I think every person has grammatical blind spots. I know I do. I tell my students that the point of good grammar is so we can communicate better, so it bothers me that some students don’t know or care how poor their grammar skills are. Too many are relying on autocorrect, ChatGPT, and Grammarly to write and/or fix their work. It has become a teacher’s nightmare.
Nightmare for teachers…so sad, but so true. Keep fighting the good fight!
What a great trick for whom, Jim. That word trips me up now and then. Thanks to my un-crusty but well-trained editor, she catches any flubs before publication, though I’d rather know it myself.
I see grammar mistakes all the time, especially online and via texts. The writer in me has to fight the urge to correct grammar in texts from friends and family. They don’t even use proper punctuation and capitalization! It’s maddening.
Writer Unboxed published a fantastic post last week about plurals, possessives, and proper nouns. Did you receive it? The author (can’t recall who at the moment) made the subject fun, silly, and hilarious, at times. Inspiring, like your post here.
Grammatical mistakes, not grammar mistakes. Ugh. Classic Monday. 🙃
I use this sort of thing for characterization. Attitudes toward colloquial vs. formal speech tie in with other attitudes, and it’s the same with vulgarity and many other things. It’s part of their persona. Education, playfulness, and how much they pay attention to the Art of Recreational Bullshit also make a difference.
As for my own grasp of the language, it serves my purposes. I have to give extra TLC to character who are outside my normal range, including anyone who uses formal and proper English especially well or who speaks colloquially in ways I’m not very good at, myself. But if’n a man’s gotta do it, he gotta.