By PJ Parrish
Well, this First Page submission is a little more in my bailiwick than ones I’ve been doing of late. I got my start in romance, segued into the more generalized “women’s fiction” and ended up in suspense. I’m in my comfort zone. And I like anything involving armadillos. So, let’s take a look.
How To Eat An Armadillo
Chapter One, Hank and Betty
She had to keep walking. The afternoon sun threw a blast of heat onto the black asphalt and bounced it up into her face and neck, smothering her with a blanket of misery. Aggravated by the continuing soreness in her foot, Marley was determined to find some shade so she could sit down someplace and untie her boot to relieve the pain. It felt bruised and achey. It never healed right after the accident years ago. She didn’t want to be on the ground when a car came by even though there wasn’t much traffic on this old Texas country road. Marley figured it would be a while before she could thumb it and hitch a ride heading west. She didn’t want to stop just yet, risking being caught off guard by limping or sitting down. Any sign of weakness could invite trouble.
This way of life had gotten tougher over the years. Older now and thick in the middle, she didn’t attract the drivers like she used to do. In the past, they’d hit the brakes pretty quick when they saw the sweet young thing sticking out her thumb for a ride. Marley’d made a life out of hitching rides. She got into pretty much every vehicle that ever stopped for her, trucks, cars, RVs, and trailers. Young men, crazy families, lonely women, and sorry-ass old men. The worst of course was that coven of ‘nasty people,’ as she called them. The ones who wanted to put their gritty hands, mouths, and objects on her or in her. It made her feel slimy and dirty when they touched her. They’d all changed her. She was a good girl until the thing happened. Every ride was a risk.
Sometimes she felt her life was hanging in a thread, like a spider on a web in a hailstorm. Vague, disturbing memories crept into the crevices of her mind, shielding her consciousness, shoving her into this solitary journey. She didn’t know if she was running from them or to them. Once in a while she wondered what could’ve made her life different, made her different.
No use thinking about that.
She had to keep walking and get out of this blistering heat.
Better to keep my head up and stay alert. One foot after the other.
She’d shake her right foot every few steps, trying to shake off the pain.
__________________________
First off, I’m intrigued enough to keep reading. I already like the protagonist, although we can only assume Marley is, indeed, the main character. Keep in mind she could be a potential victim here. Always hard to tell in only 400-plus words. But given that the writer has invested in some backstory so early here, I’m guessing Marley’s the protag.
I like that the writer has plopped Marley right down in a bad situation. Extreme heat, a lonely Texas road, and a sorta kinda vague feeling that she has already recently endured something — I read that from her hurt foot. To say nothing of bigger trauma at the hands of a “coven.” So, yes, I’d read on.
There is also some nice but not over-done backstory here. We are told she’s been a vagabond for a long time and that makes me wonder why. Wondering why a character had gotten to a certain point can be an effective launching pad for your story. Also we are told she was the victim (as a “good girl” no less) of a coven of “nasty people.” So she’s damaged goods in a sense. Which is also an effective device for future character development. I barely know her but I already want to root for her. So, good job, writer.
On a pure craft note, the writing itself is solid, direct and unpretentious. Everything is clearly detailed, the physical movements, the thoughts. Well done.
But…
Can this be improved? Is there a way to ratchet the tension? I think so. This may only go toward style, and others who weigh in might think this opening is fine as it is. But I’m going to suggest two things for the writer:
- Give me a bit more sense of place and atmosphere. I sound like a broken record in my First Pagers because I am always asking the writers to not neglect their settings. Our writer tells us we are in Texas, on an “old country road.” I’ve been to Dallas. That’s all I know of Texas. Other than the old movie Giant. So I’m going to ask the writer to take me there with some select description. I don’t want a lot. Just enough to make me smell, see and even hear this pace. WHY? Not just because I like description but because when it’s done well, it enhances suspense and helps establish character. More on this in a moment.
- I’d like to see the writer SHOW me Marley’s mood and backstory, rather than TELL me. What do we know from these 400 or so words: Marley is tired and achy as she walks a Texas road. She’s got a bad history hitching. And one particular episode with the “nasty people” changed her in a fundamental way — she was a “good girl” ie an innocent and now she is not. I’ll get back to this.
Setting: I love the potential of this desolate opening. But what does it look like? You TELL me only that it’s “lonely.” Use your writerly skills to SHOW me what this loneliness looks like, feels like. Is the sky that crushing bright blue you get in a desert? (I always feel claustrophobic in wide open arid spaces). Are there thunderheads building? Is the air so dry your nose bleeds? Does that asphalt road reel out like a dry black ribbon leading to nowhere? And you need to be more specific geographically — are we in the flat nothingness of the panhandle or the scrublands of the Mexican border or the hill country? “Texas” means nothing to a reader. Be specific. And make it dovetail with Marley’s state of mind! Make the setting MEAN SOMETHING. The fact that you chose to drop Marley in this place tells me you KNOW it’s important. So make it come alive.
Showing instead of telling. Marley’s backstory is great, but it’s your only source of tension right now. I know you want to stress that no one is coming by to pick her up, but nothing is really happening here. It’s all Marley thinking, mainly about her past. You need some action here, which can then TRIGGER backstory. What if you use a passing car or truck to create some action? A fancy RV goes by and doesn’t stop for her. That can trigger a memory. A car stops and a creepy guy wants to give her a ride but she tells him she’d rather walk. (Dialogue is action!) And then maybe a beat up truck chugs by, slows down and Marley gets a good look at the occupants and THAT triggers the awful seminal memory of the “nasty people.” See what I am trying to do? I’d like you to consider converting mere memory, thoughts and backstory into action.
Especially because you are using hitchhiking as an existential device. You TELL us that all her life Marley had gotten “into pretty much every vehicle that ever stopped for her.” Which is a helluva metaphor for her life, no? But she’s not young anymore. She’s thickened around the middle, as you so greatly put it, but she’s no longer as thick in the head. I have to hope she doesn’t get into every vehicle now because she got into one once that changed her forever, no? Make us feel this inner struggle for this woman.
Okay, let me do a quick line edit. Not much, because your submission is pretty clean.
She had to keep walking. I like this opening line because it captures her near desperate mood and I suspect sums up her life thus far. The afternoon sun threw a blast of heat onto the black asphalt and bounced it up into her face and neck, smothering her with a blanket of misery. This is telling us she’s miserable. Find ways to show us. Aggravated by the continuing soreness in her foot, More telling. Why not have her stop, take off a boot and show us a blistered foot? Marley was determined to find some shade this is why you need to describe where we are. Are there some trees in the distance? so she could sit down someplace and untie her boot to relieve the pain. It felt bruised and achey. It never healed right after the accident years ago. Nice dollop of backstory; makes me want to read on. She didn’t want to be on the ground when a car came by even though there wasn’t much traffic on this old Texas country road. Where are we? Marley figured it would be a while I have to wonder why she chose this road if she knew her chances of getting a ride were nil. before she could thumb it and hitch a ride heading west. She didn’t want to stop just yet, risking being caught off guard by limping or sitting down. Any sign of weakness could invite trouble. I like this line because it insinuates tension but it needs some context. Has her long experience hitching taught her this? You can do so much more with your hitchhiking metaphor.
This way of life had gotten tougher over the years. Older now and thick in the middle, she didn’t attract the drivers like she used to do. great line. You’re hinting at her age. In the past, they’d hit the brakes pretty quick when they saw the sweet young thing You missed a great opportunity to tell us what she looks like! How about “the men especially would hit the brakes when they saw the leggy redhead in cutoff jeans sticking out her thumb for a ride. Marley’dawkward. Just go with Marley had made made a life out of hitching rides. She got into pretty much every vehicle that ever stopped for her, trucks, cars, RVs, and trailers. Young men, crazy families, lonely women, and sorry-ass old men. The worst of course was that coven of ‘nasty people,’ as she called them. The ones who wanted to put their gritty hands, mouths, and objects on her or in her. Eww in a good way since you made me want to know more. Can we be a tad more elegant and visceral in the construction: “The ones who wanted to put their wet hands and mouths on her and those sharp objects in her. (Don’t pull punches with the nasty people as it is your best source of interest and tension.) It made her feel slimy and dirty when they touched her. They’d all changed her. She was a good girl until the thing I would cap this since it’s seminal — The Thing. happened. Every ride was a risk. Every ride AFTER THAT was a risk? Clarify. And because The Thing was so life-changing, why didn’t it change her behavior? You might want to briefly allude to this. Otherwise it implies she learned nothing from her encounter with the nasty people.
Sometimes she felt her life was hanging in a thread, like a spider on a web in a hailstorm. A nice spider metaphor but again, you’re telling us a lot and showing us little. Vague, disturbing memories crept into the crevices of her mind, shielding her consciousness, shoving her into this solitary journey. This line sounds great but what does it mean? Are you refering to the nasty people? You told us in previous graph she vividly remembers the feel of their hands and mouths and the objects she was violated with, but now the memories are “vague”? Be precise. She didn’t know if she was running from them or to them. Once in a while she wondered what could’ve made her life different, made her different. Also not clear to me what you mean here. Again, the memories appear to be of the nasty people episode in her life and I can understand why her vagabond existence is an escape FROM that. But why did you say she is “running to them?”
No use thinking about that.
She had to keep walking and get out of this blistering heat.
Better to keep my head up and stay alert. One foot after the other. There’s that metaphor again!
She’d shake She shook her right foot every few steps, trying to shake off two shakes in one sentence. the pain.
Okay, brave writer. I need you to know that I really liked this. The set up is fresh and full of potential tension. I like Marley and want to know more about her and her past journey — to say nothing of what lies ahead for her. Just ground her in the setting more and sort out her feelings about the nasty people coven and what they did to wound her. And find a way to use action in the place of mere thinking and remembering. You’ve got a really good start here. Keep going — one foot in front of the other.
In addition to Kris’s fine notes, let me add two suggestions: More white space and a tightening of the sentences.
Large blocks of text slow the pace, which you don’t want at the beginning. Maybe bring up those interior thoughts earlier and spread them out to help break things up.
And then keep looking at your sentences for ways to trim fat. For example:
The afternoon sun threw a blast of heat onto the black asphalt
We know the sun is hot, so we don’t need you to tell us it’s a blast of heat. Try:
The afternoon sun blasted the asphalt
***
Aggravated by the continuing soreness in her foot, Marley was determined to find some shade so she could sit down someplace and untie her boot to relieve the pain.
Instead:
Aggravated by the soreness in her foot, Marley was determined to find some shade so she could sit and untie her boot.
***
Older now and thick in the middle, she didn’t attract the drivers like she used to do.
instead: Older now and thick in the middle, she didn’t attract drivers like she used to.
Do this kind of cutting throughout and your opening will be leaner and meaner.
Good points James, esp about being aware of the length of paragraphs on how heavy blocks of type look on a page and affect a reader’s interest.
Good beginning, Brave Author. You caught my interest at the first line. Keep writing so we know the rest of the story. Excellent critique, Kris. You really put a lot of energy into this.
I like your first page, Brave Author. PJ’s and James’ suggestions will create more tension while grounding the reader in a specific place. It won’t take but a few words to paint a picture of the hills, dust, scrub oak, or whatever inhabits the area Marly is traveling.
Be consistent with the strength of her memories about The Thing and how they affect her.
And maybe add a hint about what, where, or who she wants to reach. Otherwise, walking down the road is getting her nowhere.
Brave Author, I’d turn the page, so keep on writing.
Thanks Suzanne. I’m sure this is encouraging for our writer.
Thanks for sharing your work, Brave author. Your opening puts the reader into a compelling situation. I agree with Kris’s comments that more dramatic showing would make this more immediate and immersive. I like the idea of something dramatic, perhaps her rejecting a ride from a creepy person etc, which shows how wary she is (with good reason). That dramatic moment will get the reader wondering, and then you can give them a little back story.
I also really like Jim’s suggestions for leaner, more active and dramatic descriptions–this is something I have to work on all the time. Good luck with this–you’re headed in the right direction! Thanks again for sharing it here.
Thanks Dale. All input is helpful to our writer.
Hey. Thanks.
This had made me reexamine my opening page for setting and trying for more show than tell.
Well done, writer! I would read on out of burning curiosity, and this isn’t even my preferred genre! I appreciate the fact that the MC (or possible victim?) is a little worn around the edges. It makes her relatable. You accomplished that with an admirably small amount of description. Bravo!
Kris is right in that “Texas” doesn’t say quite enough. This us one of those few times that I get to be one of “those readers” who knows the setting initmately and wants more detail. Not a LOT of detail, mind you! Just a few salient pointers.
It’s a sad fact that ALL Texas roads are hot. Give me the smells, the sky, the trees (or lack of trees if we’re in West TX.) Piney Woods? Mesquite? Gnarly South/Central TX liveoaks? Anyway, you get the idea.
Texas is so ridiculously huge that it has four distinct geographical zones: North, South/Central, West, and East (and the DFW Metroplex if you want to be finicky and add a fifth, “purely urban” zone.) Every one of these has distinct flora, fauna, residents, and even accents. I’ve lived in four. They’re bizarrely distinct from one another.
And it may be that you get into this just after page one where someone finally comes along and picks up poor, footsore Marley. First Page critiques are difficult that way.
Suzanne has a great suggestion of hinting at her destination. You could pack in a lot of info with a single place name.
Thanks for submitting an intriguing piece!
Cyn: Great input. Thanks! Florida has the same geographical stereotype issues. I’ve lived here for 35 years and it’s a diverse state physically. I used to live in Fort Lauderdale (beaches, palm trees, tourists) and now live in Tallahassee (hills, ancient live oaks with spanish moss and prevailing southern accent!). So I get a little flustered when writers neglect setting. Might have to do another post on this!
This is actually a pretty well written piece. Others have already covered style. I’ll just recommend tightening it 40% to reduce redundancy, as in:
“…continuing soreness in her foot…relieve the pain…bruised and achey…never healed.”