Happy Wednesday!
It’s time to present another First Page critique of a Brave Writer’s work. (Updated to reflect title)
________
Kimberley Creed
“Are you listening to me?” his dad asked him. He nodded, but he hadn’t been. He had been watching in wonder at the group of chanting demonstrators marching down the main street and the half a dozen or so cops standing by. He’d never seen such a commotion.
His father glared at him, his fearsome black eyes striking terror into David. He knew his father could tell when he lied and cringed as the expected hand struck him hard. Whack! on the cheek, his head jolting, ear ringing as the side of his face throbbed. His eyes opened wide in pain as his throat tightened, stopping him from breathing.
“Don’t miss,” Tracker said. “If you do, you owe me fifty bucks. You got it?”
David nodded, still facing the ground. Finally his throat loosened and he was able to suck in a breath, keeping his mouth open to avoid whimpering.
“Focus! I’ll meet you back in the park soon,” Tracker said, and walked away.
David composed himself, wiped his face and looked up. His father lurked at the back of the crowd, looking for a suitable victim. But most of the people around him were locals, David could tell by the way they were dressed. Locals were too much trouble. Tracker wanted a tourist and wandered off the path onto the long stretch of lawn that separated the street from the beach. Dozens of people lingered there, watching the demonstration. Many wore fashionable beachwear, definitely tourists, and David looked over them, trying to guess which unlucky mug Tracker was going to choose.
An attractive couple was canoodling on a bench, oblivious to their surroundings. Easy, but too young. Not cashed up. Then there was the group of young surfers. Too fit; probably fast runners. There was a young father and two young kids seated around a table having lunch. Perfect, the father won’t leave his kids. But he doesn’t look like the kind of fella to have a thick wallet. Then there was the grey-haired couple enjoying a glass of wine and packed lunch at a portable picnic table. Probably retired. Grey nomads. They’ll be loaded for sure.
David looked at Tracker, who was looking back at him and had been waiting for eye contact. Tracker gave a furtive look to the grey nomads, having already picked them out. David nodded and headed towards them.
Tracker walked behind the couple, reached down to the grass and appeared to pick up a fifty-dollar bill.
“Excuse me,” he said. The couple turned and saw him holding up the note. “I think you dropped this,” Tracker said.
“Oh, goodness,” the woman said. The man pulled his wallet from his pocket.
David took a deep breath.
“Thank you, that’s very kind of you,” the man said and took the fifty. That was David’s cue, and he bolted. The old guy stuffed the fifty inside his wallet, and before he could slide it back into his pocket, it was gone – snatched out of his hand, as David shot through.
——-
Brave Author, you’ve got an interesting story here, and a very strong facility for clear, declarative prose. Let’s talk a few housekeeping details:
Don’t make your reader work too hard, especially at the beginning of your story. It’s okay and necessary to identify your characters by name.
So it could open: “Are you listening to me, son?” David’s father asked him.
Or: “Are you listening to me, son?” David’s father clamped a rough hand on his shoulder, jerking him away from the window.
(I had the sense David was looking out a window, but then I wasn’t sure when the father simply walked away. If they were in public, surely his father wouldn’t have whacked him on the head. Perhaps they were in an alley? Or in a copse in the park? Do establish the scene in a quick line or two.)
Though many writers discourage opening a story with dialogue, it’s a rule I break all the time, particularly at the beginning of a chapter. But you might consider another, non-dialogue opening for the beginning of a novel or story.
The sudden mention of the name, Tracker, jarred me out of the moment, and I had to read the beginning again to make sure there weren’t three people in the scene. You can correct that in the second paragraph with something like:
“His father–who was given the nickname Tracker by the uncle who’d started him in the pickpocketing game–glared at him, his black eyes filling David with terror.”
Since you’re telling this story from David’s close 3rd POV, “Tracker” should probably read as “his father” throughout the piece because he wouldn’t think about his father’s first name. It’s the safer approach. Others may disagree. But if you stick with Tracker, establish it quickly.
While “he said” and “she said” can disappear into the background, their overuse can be grating. The same with starting a long series of sentences with “He…” As you read (and you should be reading lots!) pay careful attention to the way writers use bits of action or description of the characters who are speaking to indicate that they are connected to the dialogue. (As above, with David’s father putting a hand on his shoulder, which connects the character and dialogue and also clues us in to his unpleasantness.)
I don’t understand how David could hear what his father and the old couple were saying. Surely he wasn’t standing just a few feet away. You can have him imagining the conversation or reading their lips or simply have him guess at it since he’s seen it happen before.
What are David’s feelings about what he’s seeing? Does it bother him that he’s ripping off old people?
Paragraphs 6 and 7 are outstanding. They beautifully illustrate the process the con men go through to choose their marks. Well done! The cool objectivity of the paragraphs does make David seem cynical and very involved in the game–and that’s not the impression I get from both the opening of the piece, and Tracker’s worry that David might screw up. David seems more sensitive and sheltered, i.e. he’s never seen a demonstration before and doesn’t think murderous thoughts about his father.
Keep at it Brave Writer. You are doing great!
TKZers, what’s your advice for our Brave Writer?
Brave writer, there’s a lot to admire about this start. Excellent set up of a pickpocket scam.
But, as Laura mentioned, there seems to be a disconnect between David in the first graph, naïve, in wonderment, never having seen such a commotion, vs. David the fleet-footed thief who’s obviously stolen before.
What confused me were the demonstrators and police juxtaposed with carefree tourists picnicking. What are they protesting? Is there tension that this could turn into a riot? Would the father-son team really try to steal with the cops close by? Or are they figuring the demonstration will keep the cops occupied while they pull their stunt? Give the reader a few hints.
Most of all, why does it make such an impression on David that it distracts him from the job his father expects him to do and he gets slapped as a result?
I didn’t have a problem with David referring to his father as Tracker b/c they are partners in crime, rather than normal father and son.
David also seems very young, making the story more compelling, so a hint at his age would be nice. Maybe he only came up to his father’s shoulder.
Consider rewriting the slap and David’s reaction with short choppy sentences that mirror the action. Delete the gerunds.
“His father could tell when he lied. He cringed as the expected hand struck him hard. Whack! On the cheek. The jolt made his ear ring. The side of his face throbbed. His eyes widened as his throat tightened. He couldn’t breathe.”
With a little polishing, this is an intriguing set up that makes me want to keep reading. Good job!
Great point about the demonstration and the cops, Debbie. There’s so much going on, it’s hard to see how it all fits together.
Fantastic feedback, Laura. I, too, was confused when Tracker came on scene, and had to reread the opening to see if I missed something.
Because you are off to a great start, I’ll add a few nitpicks here.
“Not cashed up.” struck me as odd wording. If you changed it to a more widely-known phrase, you won’t risk jarring readers out of the story.
“Then there was the group of young surfers … There was a young father and two young kids seated around a table having lunch … Then there was the grey-haired [sic. It’s gray-haired] couple enjoying a glass of wine and packed lunch at a portable picnic table. ”
Even though I agree with Laura about these two paragraphs (love David’s inner dialogue), using “there was” repeatedly weakens your writing. I try to avoid it altogether. Easy fix. “A group of young surfers drew his attention. (insert what they’re doing to give us a visual. What made David notice them?) Do the same for the young father and two kids. Try something like, “To the right of the surfers, a young father jolted to his feet, waving his arms, verbally scolding his pre-adolescent children—one boy, one girl, no more than ten-years-old—when they both dropped their hotdogs on the grass. Synchronized rebellion.” Allow your reader to envision the scene, and they’ll settle in for the ride.
You’re off to a great start, Brave Writer. Good job!
Terrific mentions, Sue. The layering of the personalities of the people David’s observing would make it much stronger. I know I make up stories about strangers all the time when I’m people-watching.
Thanks Sue Coletta for your excellent comments. I’m the author of the piece. As an Australian writer, I use grey, rather than gray (we use British English). Perhaps I should use US English, as most of my readers are American (? ).
Hey, Jonathan. I’m so glad I could help. Yes, US English will make your writing more universal and help with agents and acquisition editors should you choose the traditional publishing route. Best of luck to you!!!
An intriguing excerpt–once polished, I’d definitely want to read more.
I agree with all the comments so far, so I only want to say that I noticed a lack of freshness in the writing, probably an indication of relatively little experience. Once our Brave Writer has the structure right and is at the polishing stage, I’d take another run-through to see if you can find ways to be a little more original in the way you phrase things.
But I really am curious about where this story is going–and that’s exactly what you want in your readers.
Thanks, Sheryl! “Lack of freshness” is a good way to put it. Brave Writer has created an intriguing situation, and there are so many opportunities to liven it up, giving it its due.
What do you mean by lack of freshness? Can u be specific pls?
I agree with the critiques thus far. A little clean-up and you’re off and running. I, too, thought the graph describing the sizing-up process was especially well done. Intriguing set-up and you got in at a primo moment with none of the usual throat-clearing — the kid getting cuffed on the head was jarring, in a good way for the reader.
Am wondering, however, if the old-fashioned sounding word “canoodling” might be a bit at odds with a young person’s vocabulary? This goes to always staying firmly in the narrator’s sensibility, which you do otherwise quite well. Don’t know what a young person might call it now — it was necking or making out in my day. 🙂 By paying attention to the idioms your character thinks in and talks in, you enhance his character-building and give us more clues to his age, etc.
Idioms can be so tough! I dread the day I no longer have a teenager to bounce this stuff off of. Sometimes I think there should be freelancers we, um, more mature writers could pay to keep us current.
Become a scout leader. My Girl Scouts always keep me up to date on the current idioms.
How wonderful that you have the heart to be a leader for them, Cyndi!
I think it was ok, but in need of refining. I counted seventeen, he’s, his, him’s in the first two paragraphs. It was like hitting a bump in the road each time. Don’t think most of them are needed along with some of the dialogue tags.
Canoodling was odd
Thanks, MG! They definitely slow the flow of the prose. Also, erring on the side of fewer dialogue tags is always a good idea.
David’s wonder at the demonstration then he’s ease at stealing didn’t bother me. Before the past year, how many of us came in contact with a demonstration? And I’m sure we all do our jobs really well. The term cashed up didn’t bother me either.
Unlike everyone else, I assumed Tracker was a third person–the father’s boss maybe–that just wasn’t introduced properly.
This is a great piece and I would read on. Just need some clean up of the sentences as others suggested, and a few connections. The demonstration to the peaceful beach scene–they are a little disconnected. The biggest disconnect for me, though, was David’s weaning out of a target and then the actual pickpocketing. Just a few sentences on them getting into position.
AZAli, I immediately thought of that “cash me outside” girl who had her fifteen minutes of fame last year, so “cashed up” worked for me as well.
Going back to read, Tracker totally works as a third person. Now I can’t unread it!
Cash me outside girl is repped by IMG original content, signed a reported million dollar+ deal for her upcoming ‘reality’ show. Art is so subjective.
Hahahahahahahaha!
Two things. The first is that hitting a kid in public is going to get a bunch of attention. I don’t think con men would do that. Also, going after people at a public event, especially where there is a contingent of police, will get you on video.
Remember a few years ago when a few young people were running up behind old people and punching them hard enough to knock them out? One such fellow was caught on video made in a New York alley and went to jail.
I don’t see a successful con man as a violent type. Hitting seems out of character.
Any con man would have good countermeasures to keep from being identified. On the other hand, if this is pre-1990 these aren’t as big a problem.
Sorry for the errors, I hit the POST button before I edited.
I had the same initial thought about the guy hitting a kid in public, Brian. Onlookers more sensitive to that stuff these days. It would at least get a reaction that the kid might notice.
Ooooh, I like the thought about the con man not necessarily being violent. Con men really do need to be rather charming.
Hi TKZers,
I’m the author of the above first page excerpt from my upcoming release Kimberley Creed. Thank you all for the excellent comments, very helpful indeed, especially the critique from Laura Benedict. FYI Laura, the title refers to a remote coastal/outback region in Australia, the Kimberley, where the story is set.
Thanks again, everybody.
Jonathan Macpherson.
Thanks for checking in, Jonathan. I’ve updated the post to reflect the title. Keep up the good work!
I fully agree with Laura’s comments regarding the Tracker issue and starting too many sentences with “he” or “his”. Also, I wanted to know where David was in relation to the crowd. For a while, I thought he might be holding a high-powered rifle, ready to shoot some unsuspecting victim.
But those are easy fixes. Once I got beyond them, I liked this page a lot. Conflict right away between David and his father (I’m sure that will be explored more fully as the book progresses), perfectly modulated dialogue, and the sense of dread hanging over the entire page make this a real winner.
Thanks for your kind words and feedback, Don. Much appreciated.
I thought this was a good first try and agreed with the critiques. I hate to read about abused children, but it was necessary for the story.
I would read this story by this brave writer. Best wishes with the edits.
Thanks Frances.
If anyone would like to read the novel when it’s published, please email me at jonathanmacpherson@mail.com
Cheers,
Jonathan.