Santa Visits A Critique Group

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by James Scott Bell
@jamesscottbell

[http://www.utexas.edu/features/2010/12/06/christmas_america/ 'Santa's Portrait' byThomas Nast, published in Harper's Weekly, 1881]

Portrait of Santa Claus, by Thomas Nast, published in Harper’s Weekly, 1881

’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the room

Was a feeling of sadness, an aura of gloom.

The entire critique group was ready to freak,

For all had rejections within the past week.

An agent told Stacey her writing was boring,

Another said Allison’s book left him snoring.

From Simon & Schuster Melissa got NO.

And betas agreed Arthur’s pacing was slow.

“Try plumbing,” a black-hearted agent told Todd,

And Richard’s own mother said he was a fraud.

So all ’round that room in a condo suburban

Sat writers––some crying, some knocking back bourbon.

When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,

That Heather jumped up to see what was the matter.

She threw the door open and stuck out her head

And saw there a fat man with white beard, who said,

“Is this the critique group that I’ve heard bemoaning?

That keeps up incessant and ill-tempered groaning?

If so, let me in, and do not look so haughty.

You don’t want your name on the list that’s marked Naughty!”

He was dressed all in red and he carried a sack.

As he pushed through the door he went on the attack:

“What the heck’s going on here? Why are you dejected?

Because you got criticized, hosed and rejected?

Well join the club! And take heart, I implore you,

And learn from the writers who suffered before you.

Like London and Chandler and Faulkner and Hammett,

Saroyan and King––they were all told to cram it.

And Grisham and Roberts, Baldacci and Steel:

They all got rejected, they all missed a deal.

But did they give up? Did they stew in their juices?

Or quit on their projects with flimsy excuses?”

“But Santa,” said Todd, with his voice upward ranging,

“You don’t understand how the industry’s changing!

There’s not enough slots! Lists are all in remission!

There’s too many writers, too much competition!

And if we self-publish that’s no guarantee

That readers will find us, or money we’ll see.

The system’s against us, it’s set up for losing!

Is it any surprise that we’re sobbing and boozing?”

“Oh no,” Santa said. “Your reaction is fitting.

So toss out your laptops and take up some knitting!

Don’t stick to the work like a Twain or a Dickens.

Move out to the country and start raising chickens!

But if you’re true writers, you’ll stop all this griping.

You’ll tamp down the doubting and ramp up the typing.

You’ll write out of love, out of dreams and desires,

From passions and joys, emotional fires!

You’ll dive into worlds, you’ll hang out with heroes.

You’ll live your lives deeply, you won’t end up zeroes!

And though you may whimper when frustration grinds you

There will come a day when an email finds you.

And it will say, Hi there, I just love suspense,

And I found you on Kindle for ninety-nine cents.

I just had to tell you, the tension kept rising

And didn’t let up till the ending surprising!

You have added a fan, and just so you know,

If you keep writing books I’ll keep shelling out dough!

So all of you cease with the angst and the sorrow,

And when you awaken to Christmas tomorrow,

Give thanks you’re a writer, for larger you live!

Now I’ve got to go, I’ve got presents to give.”

And laying a finger aside of his nose

And giving a nod, through the air vent he rose!

Outside in the courtyard he jumped on a sleigh

With eight reindeer waiting to take him away.

At the window they watched him, the writers, all seven,

As Santa and sleigh made a beeline toward Heaven.

But they heard him exclaim, ’ere he drove out of sight,

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good write!”

***

Yes, good writing to you, and may this season be full of joy for you and yours. We at TKZ have greatly appreciated your support and comments over the past year. We now begin our annual two-week break. See you back here on January 2, 2017!

30 thoughts on “Santa Visits A Critique Group”

  1. LOL! And a fitting final post to cap a great 2016 at TKZ. Thanks to all the authors who take time to post their nuggets of wisdom and to all the folks who comment. TKZ remains the one writing-related blog I’m committed to following while I’ve dropped others by the wayside.

    May everyone’s holiday break be restful and a boon to refilling your creative wells for 2017.

  5. Love this, Jim!!!! You’re so talented. Thanks for the laughs.

    Wishing all TKZers a very merry Christmas and a prosperous new year. See you in 2017!

  6. Yes, a real classic. Great advice. Thank you for another year of advice, inspiration, and poetry. Happy holidays to you and all the TKZers! More thriller poetry in 2017!

  10. Ha! Just forwarded this to my critique group pals. We don’t moan over anything stronger than coffee, but maybe I’ll slip in a flask of whiskey this week.

    Merry Christmas, Happy Channukah and bah humbug to my friend Peter who hates the holidays but always comes over for dinner and his Jack Daniels cake anyway.

    Peace and health, TKZers.

  11. Thanks for this holiday gift. I love it and have shared with all my writer friends. Merry Christmas.

  12. “Don’t stick to the work like a Twain or a Dickens.
    Move out to the country and start raising chickens!”

    Jim, those lines put me on the floor 🙂

    Every morning all year long, Santa drops a gift into my computer–words of wisdom and encouragement from you generous folks at TKZ. Thank you ALL for sharing your time and talent with us struggling writers.

    Most books I buy are because of TKZ, either out of appreciation for a valuable lesson you’ve taught me or because I trust your recommendations. You don’t disappoint!

    Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and may 2017 be a year of productive writing for all!

  14. I didn’t know you were a poet, too. Thanks for the encouraging words.

    Great and excellent writing in 2017!

  15. That was wonderful! I’m printing it out and pinning to encouragement cork board. Thank you

  18. Jim, thanks for all the teaching over the past year!

    And to all the TKZ’ers -Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

    You inspired me, Jim. Here are two more lines for your poem:

    And laying a finger aside of his nose

    And giving a nod, through the air vent he rose!

    But before he vanished, he spun, to his nose gave a tap

    And a copy of Revision and Self Editing landed in each lap

    Merry Christmas!

  19. I read this to hubby. He remarked that he expected a twist ending where Santa was actually George R R Martin. 🙂

    Posting this to my writer friends!

  21. Brilliant poem! It’s just the inspiration we all need to bring in the New Year.

    Merry Christmas with lots of love to all!

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